The Truth About The Jerk You’re Dating

The Truth About The Jerk You’re Dating by James Russell Lingerfelt

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Hey sis,

I’ve been thinking about our talk last week regarding Tom. I don’t want to sound too judgmental… but I think you might be with a jerk.


1. When girls date jerks, it’s because they mistake it for confidence. 

At least, that’s been my observation. A woman knows better, but that’s only because she has had experience with jerks. I don’t want to see you get hurt because of bad experiences. I’d rather you hear it from me instead, and guard yourself.

It’s not easy to stay away from guys like Tom, especially when they’re good looking and they come from a seemingly established family both financially and mentally (let’s not overlook the mentally, please).


2. If you’re desire is to change him, you’re already messing up. 

You can’t change him. A change in our inner being is a personal choice. You know that by examining your own life, don’t you? Besides, why would you want to change him? Why can’t you love him the way he is? 

If you don’t like the way he is, if you can’t love him for who he is now, then you’re not a good fit for each other. 


3. “Am I good enough?” is the wrong question.

And, if we’re honest, there are times when we ask, “Is he or she good enough for me?” But no one is or isn’t good enough for the other. We’re all human. The question we should be asking is, “Are we a good fit?”

When we ask, “Am I good enough?” and we believe that answer is no, then we become susceptible to compromising our character and morals… and we go back to him or her. 


4. Are you going back for validation? 

You don’t need his validation. I think you’re awesome. Mom and Dad does too. If the people closest to you think you’re awesome, then you’re awesome. Right?


5. We all can be great at manipulation.

Through interpersonal relationships we all know how to say and arrange circumstances to help us get what we want.

Therefore, if he’s not that into you, but says and does certain things to bring you back, only to use you to satisfy his wants and needs without being in a committed relationship, then he’s not interested in a committed, self-sacrificing relationship. 


6. Your feelings for him will wane, but his character will remain.

You may like the way you feel when you’re with him. We all have those feelings when we’re with people we’re attracted to. But that doesn’t mean we should date and marry them. 


7. Those “in love” feelings is just serotonin firing in the brain. 

Therefore, we literally have a chemical imbalance and think and reason through those chemicals. That’s why you hear a lot of people say, “Love is blind.” During those times, our perceptions of reality are skewed. 

It’s always the infatuation stage they’re speaking of. People who have been married a few years don’t have that problem anymore. And many married people become filled with infinite regret due to making decisions based on “feelings” (due to the serotonin imbalance), rather than seeking a compatible partner. 

Did you know that this symptom of serotonin flooding the brain is what causes Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? That’s why when we’re “in love” or “infatuated” we can act just flat out crazy and controlling. 

8. We need help from trusted friends and family.

They can offer us an objective view when we’re choosing who to date and marry. Since the person we marry will help direct our path for the rest of our lives, and we marry a person we date, deciding who to date isn’t a decision we should take lightly.


9. Everyone we meet places their best face forward. 

So even though you might think you know him, how you perceive him and how he is can be very different.

The best way we can get to know someone is to spend a couple years listening to their words and observing them in a variety of circumstances. Especially in the company of their family. Two years sounds like a long time. But being married to someone for forty years makes two years seem miniscule. 

Girls have told me their boyfriend didn’t become verbally abusive until around the two to three year mark. Wow. 

Be wise. Be cautious. Be safe.

10. There’s 6 billion people in the world. You’ll find someone, so be patient.

There’s not just one potential partner for you, so don’t get hung up on this guy. Besides, if you’re honest with yourself, you don’t truly know him very well anyway. Be patient. Your time will come. 


11. You don’t need a man to make you happy. 

You’re responsible for that feeling yourself. But to find a man to compliment you, who will be a good husband and father; a protector, provider, someone who will be open and honest and affectionate with you… finding a good fit who can offer you that life will not be found overnight.

The best things you want for your life will require a battle. And that battle is manifested differently for each of us.

In closing:

I hope this hasn’t discouraged you. If so, that wasn’t my attention. I just want you to be aware. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled. Spend enough time with him to get to know his heart and character. 

It’s the sober way.

Love you kid.
-James

Read another popular post: Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!
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Did you like this article? Buy 
The Mason Jar, a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships. 

Alabama Irish, the sequel to The Mason Jar, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships.


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3 comments

  • Judy

    Judy Singapore

    Thanks for advice. I didn't believe "a leopard will never change its spots" till too late and now I am "once bitten, twice shy". So will never ever get into a relationship again, not that it will happen at my age.

    Thanks for advice. I didn't believe "a leopard will never change its spots" till too late and now I am "once bitten, twice shy". So will never ever get into a relationship again, not that it will happen at my age.

  • sallysue

    sallysue ca

    I like these especially #9. My boyfriend hit a wall out of anger after we'd been dating about a year and a half. By the three year mark I left in part because he had become verbally abusive. Never hit me but I decided not to stick around until that happened. His friends and family wouldn't have believed me because he was so nice to everyone else. He had anger management problems he only took out on those closest to him. Whenever I think of the 3 years I "wasted" I just remember, like you say, 3 years is nothing compared to decades of marriage.

    I like these especially #9. My boyfriend hit a wall out of anger after we'd been dating about a year and a half. By the three year mark I left in part because he had become verbally abusive. Never hit me but I decided not to stick around until that happened. His friends and family wouldn't have believed me because he was so nice to everyone else. He had anger management problems he only took out on those closest to him. Whenever I think of the 3 years I "wasted" I just remember, like you say, 3 years is nothing compared to decades of marriage.

  • Ellie's

    Ellie's

    Thank you very much for this article. I wish i can find the better one someday. anyway i love point 10.

    Thank you very much for this article. I wish i can find the better one someday. anyway i love point 10.

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