A Woman’s Response To “Beautiful Advice From a Divorced Man After 16 Years of Marriage”

A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: We took a number of your responses and added them to the comments section below. The power of this article is in the collaborative effort, so feel free to add your own thoughts!

Lastly, in my experience watching my parents, if we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness. Isn’t this true in all healthy relationships? Such principles are great, but having a list of ideas to help us along never hurts…

Began by “Wendy”

I’m a woman, divorced after 7 years of marriage. I read your post and appreciate the heart behind the advice. The fact that you you recognize the part you played in the scheme of things is a feat in itself. Being able to face the past with openness and humility is admirable and not something many can, or even want, to accomplish.

Given my experience, there are some key concepts I learned in my journey as well. We women have equal responsibility in making a marriage work. For all the points mentioned for husbands, there are perhaps also some for wives I would like to share.

1. Always seek out the best in him. Dwell on those things, not what you don’t like about him. (From Wendy)

2. Have sex with him. Often. All the time if need be. (From Caroline)

     i. Best advice received from an older woman on the eve of my wedding 12 years ago: Make love a lot, especially when you don’t feel like it. Making love is a balm, it covers and heals a lot of the wounds we inflict on one another in a marriage. When you feel like you just AREN’T close to your spouse, that’s the time to take off your clothes and GET close. Boy-oh-boy, was Janice right! (From Rebekah)

3. Seek counsel from older, wiser women who have succeeded in their marriages. It’s impossible to make good decisions when we’re emotional. And seeking counsel from your friends who are your own age isn’t as good as counsel from elderly women. (From JRL - host)

4. Let him zone out. He is not ignoring you, men just have moments of brain freeze. (From Caroline)

5. It’s not your job to change or fix him. We are all on a journey. (From Wendy)

6. Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME. They tend to forget. (From Caroline)

7. Never forget or take for granted that your man chose you. (From Wendy)

8. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they aren’t funny. (From Caroline)

9. We are responsible for our reactions, no one else. We must take full accountability of our emotions and how we respond. And so must he. (From Wendy)

10. Make him that goddam sandwich. (From Caroline)

11. Allow your man to just be. Be a comfort, be a gentle and giving spirit when the times call for it. (From Wendy)

12. Quit your bitching when he gets home, let him chill. (From Caroline)

13. Love him in the way he needs it, not the way you assume he needs it. Find out your different love languages and be sensitive and ready to show him you love him in ways he understands best. (From Wendy)

14. Make yourself look pretty. The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man. (From Caroline)

15. Be present. Give him your time and attention when he needs it. In my experience, during those times I did serve him, he over time, served me. (From Wendy)

16. Never talk about other men, even if they are fictional or movie, even if it’s to say “you are so much hotter than that guy” Most men already think they are, so this will confuse them. (From Caroline)

17. Be willing to have him sexually. Let him know you need his masculine presence, that you trust him fully. (From Wendy)

18. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably don’t know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage… (From Caroline)

19. Give him space. He needs times to find his new self (we change constantly)  before he can give of himself. (From Wendy)

20. By doing these things it would not mean a wife doesn’t expect her husband to be great too, or is to blame for the breakdown, just that she is doing her part to make a better half of a marriage. (From Caroline)

21. Be vulnerable. Do not be afraid to share your fears and feelings. Men tend to know when we’re keeping things from them. And they know when we’re transparent. And, I can’t emphasize this more: acknowledge your mistakes. Say you’re sorry when you know you need to. (From Wendy)

22. Allow your husband to love you his way instead of comparing his expression of love to your own ideals. If you keep comparing, you may miss the most beautiful moments of tenderness. (From Jennifer)

23. Do not be afraid to be fully transparent. This builds great trust over time. (From Wendy)

24. Don’t ever, ever, ever put your spouse down in public! He has to have someone that he knows will have his back. If you need to discuss something he did or said, do it in private. No one wants corrected in front of others. Once discussed and fixed, let it go! (From Marie)

25. Find common hobbies, goals and dreams. Also, find common ground in your faith. Never stop growing together. Laugh lots. Fall in love over and over again. (From Wendy)

26. Many times, we cannot connect or reconnect because we have created a version of them in our mind and hearts that justifies our own weakness. As long as we see them as the caricature we’ve created we cannot connect to them, because that caricature is not them. Own your feelings, own your results, meet your own needs, turn to a higher power for what you lack, and allow your higher power to make up for what pain your spouse will cause. Even the best human among us will cause another pain, it’s part of being human. (From Liz)

27. Don’t let financial issues come between you. (From Wendy)

28. Acknowledge and embrace each others pasts, it made you who you are. Speak up, talk about “it” when it happens instead of fighting about it a month later. (From Sarah)

29. Forgive. Don’t let history hold you or your man hostage. (From Wendy)

30. Never underestimate the power of simply touching each other. Sometimes it can say what words can not. (From Sarah)

31. Always, choose love. Love is action, not emotion. Don’t miss that. (From Wendy)
Read another popular post: Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! 
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31 comments

  • Sharon

    Sharon UK

    Care enough to pray for your man; thanking God for the amazing gift of love you have in your arms. Pray for his fears, hopes, dreams, the things he hates about you, the things he loves about you. Pray for the huge responsibility he has as a provider, lover, friend, employee/er, health, strength, wealth, insecurities, proud moments, sad times, his struggles and temptation. Pray for him and with him. Connecting with your man and God is one of the most intimate experiences. Allow him to pray for you. What you pray to God about, keep it there. It's confidential. You are Not God, stop trying to fix things and people!

    Care enough to pray for your man; thanking God for the amazing gift of love you have in your arms. Pray for his fears, hopes, dreams, the things he hates about you, the things he loves about you. Pray for the huge responsibility he has as a provider, lover, friend, employee/er, health, strength, wealth, insecurities, proud moments, sad times, his struggles and temptation. Pray for him and with him. Connecting with your man and God is one of the most intimate experiences. Allow him to pray for you. What you pray to God about, keep it there. It's confidential. You are Not God, stop trying to fix things and people!

  • julie

    julie texas

    know the triggers from the past for your emotions. if he stomps on one you can tell him truthfully that there is a place that needs some extra care through no fault of his.You may need something from him that the 'experts' say is wrong. We are all individuals with individual hurts and having a man that will make the effort to help you heal and trust is not going to happen if he does not understand why you are angry/sad/unreasonable.

    know the triggers from the past for your emotions. if he stomps on one you can tell him truthfully that there is a place that needs some extra care through no fault of his.You may need something from him that the 'experts' say is wrong. We are all individuals with individual hurts and having a man that will make the effort to help you heal and trust is not going to happen if he does not understand why you are angry/sad/unreasonable.

  • Joe Blow

    Joe Blow

    These are great. I can't stress strongly enough not denigrating your husband in public. If you do so, he will check out. I give you a 100% guarantee on this. And sex. Yes, its that important. As the person wrote, the times you don't feel like it are actually usually the times you need to. There are many, many reasons for regular sex and its not all just for the guy. Not to get graphic, but its been found that the male fluid is actually an anti-depressant also. In other words, that vulgar saying "she just need some", is actually true to an extant. Think back to your own experience. Doesn't lovemaking often go in spurts? It builds on itself. Regular lovemaking increases but also regulates your husbands testosterone. It will increase his energy AND his ambition. So, that promotion you've been wanting him to try for? Its on its way if you are regularly making love to your husband. I have done a questionnaire multiple times over my lifetime in the men's bible studies I am part of. There is only one question - "How many times a week do you and your wife make love?" Notice, I said week. If the man can only answer with a month or a year as the time period, that tells us a lot. Notice I did not ask about "quality" or anything like that. Just frequency. Here is the finding, and it has held true for two decades now. Men that make love with their wives on average at least three times a week (actually 3.7) are significantly more successful than men who don't. That's it. That's the finding. And by "success" I mean the levels of success the men themselves are aware of and would agree with. Last point about sex. Men are more physical than women it seems. Men also like "doing" things together more than just "talking". So, sex for a man with the woman he loves is the absolute ultimate. He is being physical. He is "doing" something with the person he loves, not just talking. He is communing with the woman he loves physically on top of emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. They are becoming one person for a brief moment. AND, they are also resetting their hormones and bodily chemicals, as well as shedding stress. Well, that's enough for now... :-) You ladies are awesome! Thank you for loving your husbands and making this world a better place!

    These are great. I can't stress strongly enough not denigrating your husband in public. If you do so, he will check out. I give you a 100% guarantee on this.

    And sex. Yes, its that important. As the person wrote, the times you don't feel like it are actually usually the times you need to. There are many, many reasons for regular sex and its not all just for the guy. Not to get graphic, but its been found that the male fluid is actually an anti-depressant also. In other words, that vulgar saying "she just need some", is actually true to an extant. Think back to your own experience. Doesn't lovemaking often go in spurts? It builds on itself. Regular lovemaking increases but also regulates your husbands testosterone. It will increase his energy AND his ambition. So, that promotion you've been wanting him to try for? Its on its way if you are regularly making love to your husband. I have done a questionnaire multiple times over my lifetime in the men's bible studies I am part of. There is only one question - "How many times a week do you and your wife make love?" Notice, I said week. If the man can only answer with a month or a year as the time period, that tells us a lot. Notice I did not ask about "quality" or anything like that. Just frequency.

    Here is the finding, and it has held true for two decades now. Men that make love with their wives on average at least three times a week (actually 3.7) are significantly more successful than men who don't. That's it. That's the finding. And by "success" I mean the levels of success the men themselves are aware of and would agree with.

    Last point about sex. Men are more physical than women it seems. Men also like "doing" things together more than just "talking". So, sex for a man with the woman he loves is the absolute ultimate. He is being physical. He is "doing" something with the person he loves, not just talking. He is communing with the woman he loves physically on top of emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. They are becoming one person for a brief moment. AND, they are also resetting their hormones and bodily chemicals, as well as shedding stress. Well, that's enough for now... :-)

    You ladies are awesome! Thank you for loving your husbands and making this world a better place!

  • jenny

    jenny usa

    Nice and true......

    Nice and true......

  • Jennifer

    Jennifer Florida

    Hold hands! This may seem like such a simple act but it is the small acts of kindness that count the most. It is important to connect in the bedroom but more importantly to connect outside of it, and in public, it shows the world that the two of you are two as one. But most important don't just hold hands with your hands, hold hands with your heart. If you are sad, happy, scared, or hurt you can convey this through such a simple touch and he can help heal your wounds or share in your joy. Holding hands is the most simple way to communicate, and as we all know every relationship begins with communication.

    Hold hands! This may seem like such a simple act but it is the small acts of kindness that count the most. It is important to connect in the bedroom but more importantly to connect outside of it, and in public, it shows the world that the two of you are two as one. But most important don't just hold hands with your hands, hold hands with your heart. If you are sad, happy, scared, or hurt you can convey this through such a simple touch and he can help heal your wounds or share in your joy. Holding hands is the most simple way to communicate, and as we all know every relationship begins with communication.

  • Aline

    Aline

    Very well said its all about love, but without God all love is lost as love comes from God

    Very well said its all about love, but without God all love is lost as love comes from God

  • Ange

    Ange Australia

    all of the above are deeply valid points and beautiful suggestions. But at the end of the day, in the first stages of a relationship or now, years later, figure out what makes the other person tick. My husband deeply appreciates space. So I draw a comparison; as important as space is to you, romance is to me. There is no formula to success. There are tips that may or may not work for each couple. The relationship that does work is the one that is committed to finding out what works in your own combination of being together. And underneath all of it is the ability to communicate. I would NEVER have sex because 'it's good for our relationship'. I WILL have sex when we are both in the place of desire or willing to be seduced into desire. Intimacy is a thousand things, not just sex. And again, it comes down to what works for your very individual and unique relationship...

    all of the above are deeply valid points and beautiful suggestions. But at the end of the day, in the first stages of a relationship or now, years later, figure out what makes the other person tick. My husband deeply appreciates space. So I draw a comparison; as important as space is to you, romance is to me. There is no formula to success. There are tips that may or may not work for each couple. The relationship that does work is the one that is committed to finding out what works in your own combination of being together. And underneath all of it is the ability to communicate. I would NEVER have sex because 'it's good for our relationship'. I WILL have sex when we are both in the place of desire or willing to be seduced into desire. Intimacy is a thousand things, not just sex. And again, it comes down to what works for your very individual and unique relationship...

  • Brandy

    Brandy Arkansas

    Remember that a marriage is not 50-50, it is 100% both ways. In order to live long happy lives together you must give 100%, and never trust anyone's advice that is divorced and blames it all on the other party. This means they did not own up to what they did wrong in the marriage.

    Remember that a marriage is not 50-50, it is 100% both ways. In order to live long happy lives together you must give 100%, and never trust anyone's advice that is divorced and blames it all on the other party. This means they did not own up to what they did wrong in the marriage.

  • db

    db colorado

    I only wish I saw more of this in my wife... soon to be ex wife... yet there is guilt and self blame that somehow what I am putting out is a reflection of what I am receiving. Words are so often powerful, but reality is so often not so easy.

    I only wish I saw more of this in my wife... soon to be ex wife... yet there is guilt and self blame that somehow what I am putting out is a reflection of what I am receiving. Words are so often powerful, but reality is so often not so easy.

  • May

    May UAE

    it is never easy...marriage is a continous school. We make mistakes and we should be willing to quickly correct those mistakes. We are supposed to be selfless and give our all sometimes without even receiving. I have learnt that sex means a lot to a man but not always to a woman. that said a woman should never use It as a weapon and make it as frequent as possible.

    it is never easy...marriage is a continous school. We make mistakes and we should be willing to quickly correct those mistakes. We are supposed to be selfless and give our all sometimes without even receiving. I have learnt that sex means a lot to a man but not always to a woman. that said a woman should never use It as a weapon and make it as frequent as possible.

  • Irony

    Irony Amazing

    "18. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably don’t know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage… (From Caroline)"

    "18. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably don’t know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage… (From Caroline)"

  • Chris

    Chris Orange County, CA

    I have read both articles and can say that I whole heartedly agree with both. I have also read and can understand many of the negative or critical comments (the positive ones were nice to read as well). What I have to say is this, and keep in mind that I am a husband that does not deserve the title. I am the absolute bottom of crappy worthless husbands. Each spouse must give 100%, without a thought or want of ever receiving anything in return. This is love, this is unconditional love. Anything else is not earning that right to say "I love you". I got caught up in thinking compromise, and being a nice guy. I was always asking for less than I wanted and after compromise feeling I got even less. This did not help me to be a positive person; I withheld my positive input to the relationship and starved it of a valued/needed element. Like not giving a potted plant water. I created and caused ALL of the problems in my marriage. To all of the responders that say, "But what about them?" and point at their spouse when reading these articles and comments. Your mind set is WRONG, you are focused on yourself. You must be selfless. You love them, right? They are your life, correct? They are the other parent to your children. You would lay down your life to save theirs. Then trust them to give as much as you do. Do not expect (or even demand) that they give before you do OR as much as your do, it is the wrong mindset for marriage. AND if you’re are sitting thinking of yourself and responding to these articles with anything but openness and a willingness to give, you most likely are the one not giving as much, you are the weak side of your marriage. I know because I am the weak side of mine, I am not worth a thought in her head let alone a moment of her time. This is not self-loathing, but truth. If you knew all, you would agree. If any of us are to find that lottery winning marriage then we first must give all and hold nothing of value before the love or our spouse.

    I have read both articles and can say that I whole heartedly agree with both. I have also read and can understand many of the negative or critical comments (the positive ones were nice to read as well).

    What I have to say is this, and keep in mind that I am a husband that does not deserve the title. I am the absolute bottom of crappy worthless husbands.

    Each spouse must give 100%, without a thought or want of ever receiving anything in return. This is love, this is unconditional love. Anything else is not earning that right to say "I love you".

    I got caught up in thinking compromise, and being a nice guy. I was always asking for less than I wanted and after compromise feeling I got even less. This did not help me to be a positive person; I withheld my positive input to the relationship and starved it of a valued/needed element. Like not giving a potted plant water. I created and caused ALL of the problems in my marriage.

    To all of the responders that say, "But what about them?" and point at their spouse when reading these articles and comments. Your mind set is WRONG, you are focused on yourself. You must be selfless. You love them, right? They are your life, correct? They are the other parent to your children. You would lay down your life to save theirs. Then trust them to give as much as you do.

    Do not expect (or even demand) that they give before you do OR as much as your do, it is the wrong mindset for marriage. AND if you’re are sitting thinking of yourself and responding to these articles with anything but openness and a willingness to give, you most likely are the one not giving as much, you are the weak side of your marriage.

    I know because I am the weak side of mine, I am not worth a thought in her head let alone a moment of her time. This is not self-loathing, but truth. If you knew all, you would agree. If any of us are to find that lottery winning marriage then we first must give all and hold nothing of value before the love or our spouse.

  • John

    John Houston, Texas

    To: Chris Orange County, CA "What I have to say is this, and keep in mind that I am a husband that does not deserve the title. I am the absolute bottom of crappy worthless husbands."...did you cheat on her? did you abuse her? No? I'm not trying to be mean. "I got caught up in thinking compromise, and being a nice guy. I was always asking for less than I wanted and after compromise feeling I got even less. This did not help me to be a positive person; I withheld my positive input to the relationship and starved it of a valued/needed element. Like not giving a potted plant water. I created and caused ALL of the problems in my marriage."..... 1) at 42, it is hard to stop being the nice guy. However, if you pay attention, you start to learn how not to be a doormat! Nice guy does NOT = doormat. 2) You did not create and cause ALL of the problems in a marriage. It takes 2. It ALWAYS takes 2. Now, it doesn't mean the blame/fault is 50/50! It could be 45/55......or 60/40. But, it ALWAYS takes 2. Why didn't she speak up? Why didn't she stop being selfish? Why did she pay attention to your weaknesses in order to exploit you? Just saying.

    To: Chris Orange County, CA

    "What I have to say is this, and keep in mind that I am a husband that does not deserve the title. I am the absolute bottom of crappy worthless husbands."...did you cheat on her? did you abuse her? No? I'm not trying to be mean.

    "I got caught up in thinking compromise, and being a nice guy. I was always asking for less than I wanted and after compromise feeling I got even less. This did not help me to be a positive person; I withheld my positive input to the relationship and starved it of a valued/needed element. Like not giving a potted plant water. I created and caused ALL of the problems in my marriage.".....
    1) at 42, it is hard to stop being the nice guy. However, if you pay attention, you start to learn how not to be a doormat! Nice guy does NOT = doormat.
    2) You did not create and cause ALL of the problems in a marriage. It takes 2. It ALWAYS takes 2. Now, it doesn't mean the blame/fault is 50/50! It could be 45/55......or 60/40. But, it ALWAYS takes 2. Why didn't she speak up? Why didn't she stop being selfish? Why did she pay attention to your weaknesses in order to exploit you? Just saying.

  • Cc

    Cc Tx

    I don't normally write on Internet blogs such as this. However I'd like to add, no one " deserves" something from another and love, respect and value when given is a gift on earth to be cherished; not merely expectations because of a piece of marriage paper. I'd prefer being a lover than a wife with a wonderful loving man than a women who takes marriage for granted due to a piece of paper and treat him as special to want me every day. Treat him as a king and he will make you his queen. Respect, honesty, communication and good thoughts of your lover, husband. Life is short.?

    I don't normally write on Internet blogs such as this. However I'd like to add, no one " deserves" something from another and love, respect and value when given is a gift on earth to be cherished; not merely expectations because of a piece of marriage paper. I'd prefer being a lover than a wife with a wonderful loving man than a women who takes marriage for granted due to a piece of paper and treat him as special to want me every day. Treat him as a king and he will make you his queen. Respect, honesty, communication and good thoughts of your lover, husband. Life is short.?

  • Jean

    Jean USA

    Why so many ugly comments against women in relationships. I just saw all the condescending remarks and they are not necessary people.

    Why so many ugly comments against women in relationships. I just saw all the condescending remarks and they are not necessary people.

  • Jane

    Jane Michigan

    I'm not sure this would've meant anything to me a year ago. Now I'm in the middle of a separation and wish I could've realized much of this before. Fingers crossed it's not too late...good advice!

    I'm not sure this would've meant anything to me a year ago. Now I'm in the middle of a separation and wish I could've realized much of this before. Fingers crossed it's not too late...good advice!

  • Tony

    Tony Melbourne australia

    As a team leader in a mens support group after marriage breakdown I thought this was a read that all those in relationships could enjoy. My mantra is that we should educate our precious kids from the earliest possible age about optimising relationships and what to expect and dealing with each phase of marriage and the boxes to tick forr YOU when getting into a relationship..

    As a team leader in a mens support group after marriage breakdown I thought this was a read that all those in relationships could enjoy. My mantra is that we should educate our precious kids from the earliest possible age about optimising relationships and what to expect and dealing with each phase of marriage and the boxes to tick forr YOU when getting into a relationship..

  • Jennifer

    Jennifer Boston

    20 more I would add.. 1) Instead of "make him a sandwich".. continually, do little things to show you care. That may include making him a sandwich. Men love for you to cook for them. 2) Be honest about everything.. if they can't handle it, they aren't for you. You don't want a partner or relationship like that. 3) Show emotion and create a safe space for your partner to do the same. He will gravitate to you and learn. 4) Be with someone who wants about the same quantity and quality of sex. I know too many people who are miserable when they are mismatched. Very damaging. 5) Ask directly for what you want, don't complain about whats happening or not happening and don't silently stew. They can't read your mind and if you expect them to, that's your issue. And if you damage their pride or make them feel inadequate (by complaining), they will retreat farther. 6) Don't ever try to control. Ever. He will choose you or he won't. Walk away if it's not happening. 7) Don't enable. If you aren't getting your needs met and you've been direct and given many chances, walk away. You are treated how you accept being treated. 8) When choosing a partner, make sure they will take care of your needs. Not just if you can love them or take care of theirs. 9) Have your own life. 10) Don't be scared to be feminine. 11) Compliment him often. If you can't, then you aren't with the right person. 12) Love him. Love him and build him up. Don't break him down. 13) If you want him to work on himself, you better damn well do the same. 14) Physical touch is healing. 15) Talk about things. Your hopes, your dreams, what you need, what your goals are. Have something to share and listen when he shares. 16) Be interesting. Have hobbies and passions outside of just family. 17) Ask questions and seek to understand. If it seems wrong, maybe it is but not in the way you think. Jumping to conclusions is damaging. 18) Be careful about venting or complaining. Save it for your girlfriends. A man who loves you, cannot stand to see you sad or unhappy, and they will take it personal. 19) Don't feel threatened by other people. Be so amazing that you have nothing to worry about. If you're not happy with yourself, why would you expect someone else to be? Change your life. 20) Be kind, compassionate and caring.

    20 more I would add..

    1) Instead of "make him a sandwich".. continually, do little things to show you care. That may include making him a sandwich. Men love for you to cook for them.
    2) Be honest about everything.. if they can't handle it, they aren't for you. You don't want a partner or relationship like that.
    3) Show emotion and create a safe space for your partner to do the same. He will gravitate to you and learn.
    4) Be with someone who wants about the same quantity and quality of sex. I know too many people who are miserable when they are mismatched. Very damaging.
    5) Ask directly for what you want, don't complain about whats happening or not happening and don't silently stew. They can't read your mind and if you expect them to, that's your issue. And if you damage their pride or make them feel inadequate (by complaining), they will retreat farther.
    6) Don't ever try to control. Ever. He will choose you or he won't. Walk away if it's not happening.
    7) Don't enable. If you aren't getting your needs met and you've been direct and given many chances, walk away. You are treated how you accept being treated.
    8) When choosing a partner, make sure they will take care of your needs. Not just if you can love them or take care of theirs.
    9) Have your own life.
    10) Don't be scared to be feminine.
    11) Compliment him often. If you can't, then you aren't with the right person.
    12) Love him. Love him and build him up. Don't break him down.
    13) If you want him to work on himself, you better damn well do the same.
    14) Physical touch is healing.
    15) Talk about things. Your hopes, your dreams, what you need, what your goals are. Have something to share and listen when he shares.
    16) Be interesting. Have hobbies and passions outside of just family.
    17) Ask questions and seek to understand. If it seems wrong, maybe it is but not in the way you think. Jumping to conclusions is damaging.
    18) Be careful about venting or complaining. Save it for your girlfriends. A man who loves you, cannot stand to see you sad or unhappy, and they will take it personal.
    19) Don't feel threatened by other people. Be so amazing that you have nothing to worry about. If you're not happy with yourself, why would you expect someone else to be? Change your life.
    20) Be kind, compassionate and caring.

  • Denise

    Denise Australia

    Loved reading this post 😊 Great advice 💝Relationships are a choice. If you're in, you're in. So decide to give it your 100% very Best 😍 Relationships have the potential to be a truly Magnificent experience. They can help u grow...or not 💝 Choice again 🤔 I would like to add to the everyone's advice with this....Take complete ownership of your feelings. No one can make u feel anything, only u can. If u feel your needs aren't being met, learn/practise assertiveness (not aggressiveness, or a victim mindset). It's being Respectful to both you & your partner. Don't be so hard on yourself. Who we think we are is a combination of all that Life's reflected back to us over the years, all our beliefs learnt through experiences...childhood, parents, friends, partners, life, etc. We avoid at all costs seeing & accepting our inner darkness, loneliness, shame & instead seek diversion or someone else to "heal" our past hurts. STOP, it never works, I've learnt this. The answers we seek are never external, they're internal. Get in touch & share your "needs", your non negotiables, listen to theirs, practise win/win solutions, tackle problems as they come up, when it's sorted move on, before your head hits the pillow at the end of the day...say I Love You 😘💗💝

    Loved reading this post 😊 Great advice 💝Relationships are a choice. If you're in, you're in. So decide to give it your 100% very Best 😍 Relationships have the potential to be a truly Magnificent experience. They can help u grow...or not 💝 Choice again 🤔 I would like to add to the everyone's advice with this....Take complete ownership of your feelings. No one can make u feel anything, only u can. If u feel your needs aren't being met, learn/practise assertiveness (not aggressiveness, or a victim mindset). It's being Respectful to both you & your partner. Don't be so hard on yourself. Who we think we are is a combination of all that Life's reflected back to us over the years, all our beliefs learnt through experiences...childhood, parents, friends, partners, life, etc. We avoid at all costs seeing & accepting our inner darkness, loneliness, shame & instead seek diversion or someone else to "heal" our past hurts. STOP, it never works, I've learnt this. The answers we seek are never external, they're internal. Get in touch & share your "needs", your non negotiables, listen to theirs, practise win/win solutions, tackle problems as they come up, when it's sorted move on, before your head hits the pillow at the end of the day...say I Love You 😘💗💝

  • sara

    sara

    32. If these 31 "ways" are not working, walk out. Do not let anyone take you for granted. You too deserve the same treatment from your partner.

    32. If these 31 "ways" are not working, walk out. Do not let anyone take you for granted. You too deserve the same treatment from your partner.

  • linnéa

    linnéa northern europe

    this is, for me to read, absolutely sickening and disturbing. I cringe when thinking that young females might read i.e. "The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man" and "Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME", thinking this is somewhat applicable advise. How about you tell yourself how strong and smart and caring and loving YOU are and praise how wonderful it is that you are able to make good choices such as being with a partner in a dynamic, nurturing and creative relationship, one built on love, trust, honesty and growth - NEVER have sex for the sake of having sex or tending to your partners need, but because you want to make love WITH your partner to build connection - trust completely that you (and your partner) are worthy of having your needs met and be patient. But DO know your limits cause there are so many people to love out there and there is no sense in staying misereable in a relationship that is not fun, creative, nurturing, passionate, inspiring, motivating, loving. Have the strenght to be yourself, vulnerable and strong as you are.

    this is, for me to read, absolutely sickening and disturbing. I cringe when thinking that young females might read i.e. "The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man" and "Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME", thinking this is somewhat applicable advise. How about you tell yourself how strong and smart and caring and loving YOU are and praise how wonderful it is that you are able to make good choices such as being with a partner in a dynamic, nurturing and creative relationship, one built on love, trust, honesty and growth - NEVER have sex for the sake of having sex or tending to your partners need, but because you want to make love WITH your partner to build connection - trust completely that you (and your partner) are worthy of having your needs met and be patient. But DO know your limits cause there are so many people to love out there and there is no sense in staying misereable in a relationship that is not fun, creative, nurturing, passionate, inspiring, motivating, loving. Have the strenght to be yourself, vulnerable and strong as you are.

  • XPressO

    XPressO

    Uhhh... This is satire, right. Sex - do it out of love. Sex isn't an apology or a bandaid. It should be 100% consentient always. Period. And sex doesn't fix anything, it just allows you both to sidestep an issue. Everyone loses. Don't correct him - sorry, but I don't care who you are. If you say something wrong, I'm going to speak about it. Girlfriend, guy friend, husband, colleague, or child - I'm not going to let someone spread lies or bad information to people who might believe it. And a relationship IS 50-50! With BOTH partners giving 100%. You AND him. This is a list of 'red flags'. I would print it and put it on my fridge, vanity mirror, and dating profile to remind me of the the type of men that I DON'T want to date. If you're actually in the kind of relationship this list describes. Or if you have this mindset. I would suggest reading the book "Why Does he Do That" by Lundy Barcroft. Also, I've been in and seen relationships like the one listed above, and am now in a happy and respectful marriage. Ladies, don't waste your time. Your life is precious. Treat yourself.

    Uhhh... This is satire, right.

    Sex - do it out of love. Sex isn't an apology or a bandaid. It should be 100% consentient always. Period. And sex doesn't fix anything, it just allows you both to sidestep an issue. Everyone loses.

    Don't correct him - sorry, but I don't care who you are. If you say something wrong, I'm going to speak about it. Girlfriend, guy friend, husband, colleague, or child - I'm not going to let someone spread lies or bad information to people who might believe it.

    And a relationship IS 50-50!
    With BOTH partners giving 100%.
    You AND him.

    This is a list of 'red flags'.
    I would print it and put it on my fridge, vanity mirror, and dating profile to remind me of the the type of men that I DON'T want to date.

    If you're actually in the kind of relationship this list describes. Or if you have this mindset. I would suggest reading the book "Why Does he Do That" by Lundy Barcroft.

    Also, I've been in and seen relationships like the one listed above, and am now in a happy and respectful marriage. Ladies, don't waste your time. Your life is precious. Treat yourself.

  • Jane

    Jane MICHIGAN

    As a child I heard on a radio that if in a marriage you both give 99% your marriage will succeed 100%. I was married and gave all I could I did all theses things,. Eventually I became a foot mat, somewhat, as he took and did not reciprocate. I realized and explained that I feel bad when this happens. This did not help, he slipped into a world of perversion, would not go to counseling. When he paid money to a woman online who was going to become his slave, I divorced him. My story is more typical than you may think. There needs to be a Men's Version of Keeping abiding love in a marriage. There should also be a cautionary comment that doing these things, giving you self to a marriage wholly, are wonderful and beautiful. However if your partner slips into the dark side of abuse, or was there but has saved it for marriage or the first pregnancy or child... Leave quickly if counseling is refused. You are wasting your time, and perhaps your children's well-being. My children suffer from anxiety and depression as a result. We are all happier now however, and although I encourage them to have a relationship with their father and they often refuse. His actions were not always directed at me. If you have a good man give it your all, as he should be doing. Love in a marriage can be the most fulfilling Love of All.

    As a child I heard on a radio that if in a marriage you both give 99% your marriage will succeed 100%. I was married and gave all I could I did all theses things,. Eventually I became a foot mat, somewhat, as he took and did not reciprocate. I realized and explained that I feel bad when this happens. This did not help, he slipped into a world of perversion, would not go to counseling. When he paid money to a woman online who was going to become his slave, I divorced him.
    My story is more typical than you may think.
    There needs to be a Men's Version of Keeping abiding love in a marriage. There should also be a cautionary comment that doing these things, giving you self to a marriage wholly, are wonderful and beautiful. However if your partner slips into the dark side of abuse, or was there but has saved it for marriage or the first pregnancy or child... Leave quickly if counseling is refused. You are wasting your time, and perhaps your children's well-being. My children suffer from anxiety and depression as a result. We are all happier now however, and although I encourage them to have a relationship with their father and they often refuse. His actions were not always directed at me.
    If you have a good man give it your all, as he should be doing. Love in a marriage can be the most fulfilling Love of All.

  • Bobby

    Bobby

    Need to add the #2 from the man's list of advise. 2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there. That second part about keeping that special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife change that to husband. All to often that is the problem the husband makes a mistake and the wife lets someone into that place and once in they are there to stay, even if they leave they take a piece of that heart with them and along with it trust and love that the relationship was built on goes with it.

    Need to add the #2 from the man's list of advise.
    2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
    That second part about keeping that special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife change that to husband. All to often that is the problem the husband makes a mistake and the wife lets someone into that place and once in they are there to stay, even if they leave they take a piece of that heart with them and along with it trust and love that the relationship was built on goes with it.

  • Betty

    Betty Townsville QLD

    The best book to reads is LOVE & RESPECT

    The best book to reads is LOVE & RESPECT

  • Lauren

    Lauren Arizona

    Not so sure I agree with #16....or even avfew of the others....talking about other peoplebisnt bad at all...it invites expansion. ..just be sure of WHY you are talking about them...choose why...not as comparison but as admiration can be a beautiful thing...jealousy is ugly...but still a force to understand and uplevel...

    Not so sure I agree with #16....or even avfew of the others....talking about other peoplebisnt bad at all...it invites expansion. ..just be sure of WHY you are talking about them...choose why...not as comparison but as admiration can be a beautiful thing...jealousy is ugly...but still a force to understand and uplevel...

  • Cynthia

    Cynthia California

    If you llove him, love his family, especially his children, they are, and will forever be a part of him.

    If you llove him, love his family, especially his children, they are, and will forever be a part of him.

  • JCM

    JCM Austin

    So glad this was not produced by angry people who have not healed.. Very positive and truthful advice.

    So glad this was not produced by angry people who have not healed.. Very positive and truthful advice.

  • Ashley

    Ashley Florida

    For those that don't believe in or need a "higher power" or "god" try a good therapist instead. Far more practical and realistic. Also ONLY have sex if you want to and feel like it! Not because he wants it. It can lead to resentment and ruin love making.

    For those that don't believe in or need a "higher power" or "god" try a good therapist instead. Far more practical and realistic. Also ONLY have sex if you want to and feel like it! Not because he wants it. It can lead to resentment and ruin love making.

  • sandy

    sandy chennai

    yaah this is good posting article feeeling

    yaah this is good posting article feeeling

  • McIrish

    McIrish Delaware

    These is not " souly for women" 1. Be present let your partner now they are at least #2, because we should each be first in our own lives. 2. Be considerate of your partners feelings don't act like they are mind readers 3. Be grateful 4. Be aware 5. Be responsible for each other EQUALLY Don't go away with your friends and when you get a late night call "are you coming home" say "oh I thought I told you" and then not apologize.

    These is not " souly for women"
    1. Be present let your partner now they are at least #2, because we should each be first in our own lives.
    2. Be considerate of your partners feelings don't act like they are mind readers
    3. Be grateful
    4. Be aware
    5. Be responsible for each other EQUALLY
    Don't go away with your friends and when you get a late night call "are you coming home" say "oh I thought I told you" and then not apologize.

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