​6 Steps to Forgiving People

​6 Steps to Forgiving People by James Russell Lingerfelt

Shakespeare wrote that the two bitterest enemies are two who once loved each other. Here’s how to find healing through forgiving.
  
1. Recognize the problem isn’t him or her. It’s us.
 
It’s never someone “out there.” It’s in here.
 
Hatred is the only time in life where we create a prison, lock ourselves in, hold onto the key, and believe the guilty are somehow being punished.
 
There’s only a handful of people in my history who I genuinely loathed. And it was because of the way I was treated. Years later, when I confronted them separately, they barely remembered it. One of them couldn’t recall the event at all.
 
We tend to believe that by despising someone, our attitude somehow makes them suffer. But they’re living their own lives, unaffected by our inner struggle.
 
 
2. Recognize that we choose to be the victim in our story… or the hero.
 
The hero is the protagonist in every story. The person we root for. The person we aspire to be.
 
The victim is the whiner, the one where, “the world revolves around me.” He or she allows other characters in the story to control him or her.

I don’t want my happiness or role in life to be dependent on the wavering emotions, words, and decisions of others who I can’t control.
 
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We’ve been taken advantage of, fooled, and we were victims for a short period of time. But we can’t keep playing the victim if we want to be happy.
 
Life is more rewarding and exciting when we leave our victimhood status behind and become the protagonist of our life story.
 

3. Recognize that we too have often needed forgiveness from others.
 
I need forgiveness every day. I don’t have the world figured out and never will. I’ve said and done things when my emotions flared, looked back in hindsight, and wanted to crawl in a hole to hide.
 
“Dear Mouth, why can’t you just stay shut?” I ask.
 
Did you know when we’re emotional, the emotional side of our brain actually heats and “out shouts” the logical side? Fun biological fact. That’s why when people are emotional, their behavior can be shocking.

Fights, killings, saying words they don’t mean, “over – reacting” to put it lightly.
 
We all yearn for forgiveness and desire it from loved ones -  even from strangers.
 
 
4. Recognize that hate is often a pendulum swing from our love.
 
In my personal experience, the people who hurt me… I genuinely cared about them.
 
I’ve found that the more I was hurt, I had in equal measure loved and invested into their lives.
 
When people are hurting, they need a comforter – not a commentator. But once we heal and the sun shines again, what if we choose to be thankful for having met them, known them, and for the lessons those encounters taught us?

They made us wiser and more thankful for the people in our lives who love us through all circumstances.

We are never thankful for the pain. But we are often thankful for the lessons we learned from the pain.
 
 
5. Recognize that we should never apologize for loving someone.
 
When I love, I become more of a lover. When I hate, I become more of a hater. If they can’t handle my love, that’s their problem – not mine. I’m not going to turn into a hater. I want to be known as someone others know they can love, confide in, spend time with… and feel safe, wanted, and glad to be in my presence.
 
 
6. Know that living a beautiful life after all that happened is the best revenge.
 
Let’s be careful here. If our attitude is at a healed, healthy, balanced state, we won’t care about revenge or if they approve of us. We’ll be too busy living out our happy life.
 
But if you need motivation to make that first step toward forgiveness, think on number 6 as you take your initial steps toward forgiveness.
 
 
In Closing:

Cognitive psychology teaches that when our minds dwell on the negative in life, we become a negative minded people toward all we encounter.

This affects our mood, and that will affect our bodies. If we want to love life and be glad to be alive, we must do this one thing: Alter how we choose to respond to what we encounter.
 
My friend Burt has a PhD in Clinical Psychology. He said that since each of us interact with the world through our own individual point of view, or “point of reference,” it is impossible for us to separate fantasy from reality.

Doesn’t that explain why we often say about others, “What in the world was he or she thinking?” and “What planet do they live on?” We believe the story we tell ourselves.

Don’t underestimate the power of the human mind. Our mind directs all we think, say, and do. Let’s take care of it.
 
Read another popular post: Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!
---









Did you like this article? Buy 
The Mason Jar, a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships. 

Alabama Irish, the sequel to The Mason Jar, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships.


Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on FacebookPinterestYouTube, Google+, Instagram, or Twitter or subscribe to his email list for updates.

4 comments

  • Blade Thompson

    Blade Thompson Mobile, Alabama

    I really enjoyed reading this! Keep'em coming!

    I really enjoyed reading this! Keep'em coming!

  • kate

    kate CA

    i so appreciate your helpful blog posts! i have worked on forgiving abusive parents for years now. my mother tried to kill me several times, while i was growing up, and was secretly abusing me and my father was extremely emotionally abusive, shutting me up all of the time. i had no personal power. Even THEY don't remember and they don't consciously think they were abusive. They left me with some very deep scars that MADE me a victim for many years. Those scars can be so unconscious that they affect many aspects of our relationships and interactions with others....so it can take years or even a lifetime to overcome. I think this is our lesson in life....to get past our issues that were dealt to us and to return to a place of unconditional love. Whilst my parents are no longer a part of my life, i am returning to loving them as humans who are imperfect. It's very hard some days...and i sometimes have guilt about not having them in my life but they continue to be abusive. Do you have any thoughts about this? thank you!

    i so appreciate your helpful blog posts!
    i have worked on forgiving abusive parents for years now. my mother tried to kill me several times, while i was growing up, and was secretly abusing me and my father was extremely emotionally abusive, shutting me up all of the time. i had no personal power. Even THEY don't remember and they don't consciously think they were abusive.
    They left me with some very deep scars that MADE me a victim for many years. Those scars can be so unconscious that they affect many aspects of our relationships and interactions with others....so it can take years or even a lifetime to overcome.
    I think this is our lesson in life....to get past our issues that were dealt to us and to return to a place of unconditional love.
    Whilst my parents are no longer a part of my life, i am returning to loving them as humans who are imperfect. It's very hard some days...and i sometimes have guilt about not having them in my life but they continue to be abusive.
    Do you have any thoughts about this?
    thank you!

  • jamesrussell.org

    jamesrussell.org

    Kate, you have come to a very special place in your life if that's the mindset you've adopted. I applaud you for your courage and your heart to forgive and your desire to keep living your life to it's fullest, in peace. Bless you, JRL

    Kate, you have come to a very special place in your life if that's the mindset you've adopted. I applaud you for your courage and your heart to forgive and your desire to keep living your life to it's fullest, in peace.

    Bless you,
    JRL

  • Margatita Martinez

    Margatita Martinez Chicago

    I really love your blog. For 2yrs I gave my parter the silence treatment just last week he asked for forgiveness I never ever wanted to for the pain he inflicted all I wanted was revenge.

    I really love your blog. For 2yrs I gave my parter the silence treatment just last week he asked for forgiveness I never ever wanted to for the pain he inflicted all I wanted was revenge.

Add comment