Beautiful Advice From a Divorced Man After 16 Years of Marriage

My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers. Mr. Rogers did a wonderful job with this article. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!

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A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: Mr. Gerald Rogers’ article stirred a wide variety of feelings among people across the globe. Helped and encouraged thousands, infuriated few. We read letters from women in Malaysia comforting women in England. Men in USA and Singapore spoke healing words to men in Europe and India. A man in Germany responded with some of the deepest insights I’ve read in years. The unity and compassion among people which this article brought forth was a beautiful experience to witness. I’ll never forget it.

One common idea reverberated among many of the healthy responses: If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Is utter and complete selflessness the goal? The advice in this article can be applied to both genders.

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Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had:


1. Never stop courting 
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it.

This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.


2. Protect your own heart
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife.

Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.


3. Fall in love over and over again
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday.

SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.


4. Always see the best in her
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.

Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.


5. It’s not your job to change or fix her
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.


6. Take full accountability...
...For your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.


7. Never blame your wife if you...
get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed.

You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.


8. Allow your woman to just be
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean.

The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET.

Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.


9. Be silly
don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.


10. Fill her soul everyday
learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.


11. Be present
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.


12. Be willing to take her sexually... 
To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.


13. Don’t be an idiot
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.


14. Give her space
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing.

(Okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)


15. Be vulnerable
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.


16. Be fully transparent
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds…

Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.


17. Never stop growing together
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.


18. Don’t worry about money
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.


19. Forgive immediately...
and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

 


20. Always choose love
ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity.

Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love.

One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN - THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER.There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Read another popular post: Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! 
Did you like this article? Make sure to check out The Mason Jar, a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships. 

Alabama Irish, the sequel to The Mason Jar, is now available. This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships.


The Mason Jar movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as The Notebook (2004) and Pride & Prejudice (2005). Follow him on FacebookPinterestYouTube, Google+  or Twitter or subscribe to his email list for updates.




 

155 Comments

  • Elliephonix

    Elliephonix Alberta, Canada

    I stumbled across your article while trying to learn some things about my own separation from my husband of 11 years. I just want to move forward, and there are days like today where you can watch the bricks in the wall of your life begin to fall down. And I thought to myself, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I asked for too much, maybe I should have been happy just to have been married." But reading your article has been difficult. Not because I regret my decision, but because that is exactly what a marriage needs to be - and what mine had no real chance of being. I hope more people can take your advice and apply it to their own marriages, before it's too little too late.

    I stumbled across your article while trying to learn some things about my own separation from my husband of 11 years. I just want to move forward, and there are days like today where you can watch the bricks in the wall of your life begin to fall down. And I thought to myself, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I asked for too much, maybe I should have been happy just to have been married." But reading your article has been difficult. Not because I regret my decision, but because that is exactly what a marriage needs to be - and what mine had no real chance of being. I hope more people can take your advice and apply it to their own marriages, before it's too little too late.

  • Sara

    Sara Toronto

    Loved it! Helped me as a young female.

    Loved it! Helped me as a young female.

  • Commonsense

    Commonsense Airlie Beach Australia

    'Behind every good man is a good woman' There's a natural reason for that. For a male to be inspired to walk over broken glass (so to speak) to bring his female what she wants and needs from her man or simply just to be a better man, she 'first' needs to show appreciation, affection and acceptance of her man for being who he is...a male / bloke / guy / man, her man! What we have today are women (and society) doing the opposite...condemning, complaining, ridiculing and emasculating men inside and outside the home. (every where you look). Gerald Roger sucking-up advice to men only perpetuates the sense of entitlement to women. Boys (and girls) generally bare the biggest burden as this entitlement cycle, hence disharmony, continues in their own relationships. Of coarse all of which is only IMO.

    'Behind every good man is a good woman' There's a natural reason for that. For a male to be inspired to walk over broken glass (so to speak) to bring his female what she wants and needs from her man or simply just to be a better man, she 'first' needs to show appreciation, affection and acceptance of her man for being who he is...a male / bloke / guy / man, her man!

    What we have today are women (and society) doing the opposite...condemning, complaining, ridiculing and emasculating men inside and outside the home. (every where you look). Gerald Roger sucking-up advice to men only perpetuates the sense of entitlement to women. Boys (and girls) generally bare the biggest burden as this entitlement cycle, hence disharmony, continues in their own relationships. Of coarse all of which is only IMO.

  • Steven

    Steven Australia

    It sounds like it's all about her it's half half no all one way !!!!!

    It sounds like it's all about her it's half half no all one way !!!!!

  • Oregano

    Oregano

    My 30th anniversary is around the corner. A few of my mistakes in my journey is that I spent too much time (10-12 hour work days) at work. I am a good worker bee, but neglected to spend enough time with my wife (apart from family vacations) to ensure that we really knew each other and to keep the chemistry alive. Assuming that your love is being manifest and that everyone can plainly see your love by how well you provide for your family just does not work. For a while we both worked in retail and had rotating days off and did not see each other. Your hearts can drift apart so easy and there is always someone else will to fill your shoes...do not neglect what God has given you. My children are grown and gone and now we are learning all about each other again....it is a journey of ups and downs. Forgive, laugh, love...make time for each other...live in the moment and keep your faith...:)

    My 30th anniversary is around the corner. A few of my mistakes in my journey is that I spent too much time (10-12 hour work days) at work. I am a good worker bee, but neglected to spend enough time with my wife (apart from family vacations) to ensure that we really knew each other and to keep the chemistry alive. Assuming that your love is being manifest and that everyone can plainly see your love by how well you provide for your family just does not work. For a while we both worked in retail and had rotating days off and did not see each other. Your hearts can drift apart so easy and there is always someone else will to fill your shoes...do not neglect what God has given you. My children are grown and gone and now we are learning all about each other again....it is a journey of ups and downs. Forgive, laugh, love...make time for each other...live in the moment and keep your faith...smile

  • Popsicle

    Popsicle Greece

    I haven't married yet, but have been in relatonships that have been very close - it seems to me the guy marches, when the going gets tough. Rather than pushing through the thigh deep waters, they get to a point of "it's all too hard" and walk away. Women don't behave that way. They will see things through to the bitter end, sometimes at their own expense, and expect their man to walk beside them. Once a guy has had enough, it's done. Goodbye. And I have found, through my two very serious relationships, that the guy will always, always side with his best friend (female) rather than siding with his woman. Go figure.

    I haven't married yet, but have been in relatonships that have been very close - it seems to me the guy marches, when the going gets tough. Rather than pushing through the thigh deep waters, they get to a point of "it's all too hard" and walk away.
    Women don't behave that way. They will see things through to the bitter end, sometimes at their own expense, and expect their man to walk beside them. Once a guy has had enough, it's done. Goodbye. And I have found, through my two very serious relationships, that the guy will always, always side with his best friend (female) rather than siding with his woman. Go figure.

  • Me

    Me United States

    I came to very similar conclusions after my divorce (16 years, 10 month and 24 days of marriage). I saw all of the warning sides of a widening gap. We weren't growing together, but there was nothing I could do to stop my growth. Marriage is about becoming a team. The pain of separating from each other was so immense that it has taken a very long time to heal. Statistically, most remarry within 2 years, of those new marriages, 50 percent of those end in divorce. This is what I was told in a mandatory class in Miami-Dade county. I found that I needed to take a lot of time to heal. I also realized I did not have the capacity nor the inclination to have meaningless relationships. It has been 8 years since my divorce. It's not been 'wasted' time. I shelved my existing career, I left the country and traveled around the world and relocated back to my home state. I think my healing time has enabled me to have more compassion for others. I may never marry again, because life is short, but I would never marry again just because I am afraid to be alone. Marriage is a lonely place when it's dying. Choosing to be alone was choosing to live. If it actually happens again for me, it will be because it would feel unnatural to not be with that person.

    I came to very similar conclusions after my divorce (16 years, 10 month and 24 days of marriage). I saw all of the warning sides of a widening gap. We weren't growing together, but there was nothing I could do to stop my growth. Marriage is about becoming a team. The pain of separating from each other was so immense that it has taken a very long time to heal. Statistically, most remarry within 2 years, of those new marriages, 50 percent of those end in divorce. This is what I was told in a mandatory class in Miami-Dade county. I found that I needed to take a lot of time to heal. I also realized I did not have the capacity nor the inclination to have meaningless relationships. It has been 8 years since my divorce. It's not been 'wasted' time. I shelved my existing career, I left the country and traveled around the world and relocated back to my home state. I think my healing time has enabled me to have more compassion for others. I may never marry again, because life is short, but I would never marry again just because I am afraid to be alone. Marriage is a lonely place when it's dying. Choosing to be alone was choosing to live. If it actually happens again for me, it will be because it would feel unnatural to not be with that person.

  • DD

    DD United States

    I can see why some would feel that this is "all about her" or is putting too much weight on the responsibility of the man in a marriage. However, some advice I received in my early 20s has always stuck with me, and I believe it is important within the context of the author's note. My father told me, "To make any marriage last - to make it truly work - both people have to feel like it's 75/25. Each person needs to feel as though they are giving and doing and putting in 75% of the effort. When each person feels as though they are giving 75%, both are working to make the marriage a success. When you start looking for a marriage to be 50/50, each partner will be unsatisfied with the effort put forth by the other." The point to the advice given by Mr. Rogers was his advice from a man, to men. This does not mean women should merely coast in their marriage - that is not what he meant at all, IMO. Wives should be persevering in building up, supporting, and strengthening the relationship as well, and should endeavor to grow with their partner. The open letter posted on this webpages does not take away from any of the woman's responsibility, and instead should be taken as the author originally requested: advice coming not from a relationship expert, but from a man with a changed perspective.

    I can see why some would feel that this is "all about her" or is putting too much weight on the responsibility of the man in a marriage. However, some advice I received in my early 20s has always stuck with me, and I believe it is important within the context of the author's note. My father told me, "To make any marriage last - to make it truly work - both people have to feel like it's 75/25. Each person needs to feel as though they are giving and doing and putting in 75% of the effort. When each person feels as though they are giving 75%, both are working to make the marriage a success. When you start looking for a marriage to be 50/50, each partner will be unsatisfied with the effort put forth by the other."

    The point to the advice given by Mr. Rogers was his advice from a man, to men. This does not mean women should merely coast in their marriage - that is not what he meant at all, IMO. Wives should be persevering in building up, supporting, and strengthening the relationship as well, and should endeavor to grow with their partner.

    The open letter posted on this webpages does not take away from any of the woman's responsibility, and instead should be taken as the author originally requested: advice coming not from a relationship expert, but from a man with a changed perspective.

  • jamesrussell.org

    jamesrussell.org

    Hi DD, I loved what your dad taught you. Thank you all for your contributions! I read them all but I can't respond to them all. -James

    Hi DD,
    I loved what your dad taught you.
    Thank you all for your contributions! I read them all but I can't respond to them all.
    -James

  • Tom

    Tom Switzerland

    I concur to those points that imply that a successful longterm marriage requires to put in work every day by BOTH and that it never stops, always will be changing. However, some of the advice is too one-sided towards men. I also recommend to read ALL chapters of the famous book called Kamasutra. The ignorant masses of course only associate it with positions in bed which indeed is just ONE chapter of the total of 7 chapters. It also contains advice what women should do to keep their men interested in them such as, among other, eating healthily and do some exercise to stay in shape.

    I concur to those points that imply that a successful longterm marriage requires to put in work every day by BOTH and that it never stops, always will be changing. However, some of the advice is too one-sided towards men. I also recommend to read ALL chapters of the famous book called Kamasutra. The ignorant masses of course only associate it with positions in bed which indeed is just ONE chapter of the total of 7 chapters. It also contains advice what women should do to keep their men interested in them such as, among other, eating healthily and do some exercise to stay in shape.

  • Leonord

    Leonord Johannesburg

    I belive everthing need's time,dedication but most of all preperation in order to succeed in life.that is why i will say never marry if you dont have the above mentioned.marriage is very important not something to hold someone with.

    I belive everthing need's time,dedication but most of all preperation in order to succeed in life.that is why i will say never marry if you dont have the above mentioned.marriage is very important not something to hold someone with.

  • Adrie

    Adrie Western cape

    Where can I find a man like Gerald :)

    Where can I find a man like Gerald smile

  • Doug

    Doug Tennessee

    I have been married 28 years and will be leaving her. For the last 14 years she has slept down the hall every night with her mother (who she is very close to), who decided to move in with us, and I just became her paycheck and handyman. I waited it out and went to counseling for 14 years hoping for a change, but still see no change on the horizon at all. She would never go to counseling. When your wife turns her back on you, what can you do?

    I have been married 28 years and will be leaving her. For the last 14 years she has slept down the hall every night with her mother (who she is very close to), who decided to move in with us, and I just became her paycheck and handyman. I waited it out and went to counseling for 14 years hoping for a change, but still see no change on the horizon at all. She would never go to counseling. When your wife turns her back on you, what can you do?

  • steve

    steve johnstown,pa

    james.......I read what you wrote. I truly felt this way about my ex wife. but little did I know what bipolar was at the time. so that changes what happened to me. but I have tried this only because it is who I am. inside and out. even still my relationships have failed. here is the truth to the matter. males and females are always going to be different. if couple are to be together for life. god would have cloned our selves as a woman and then it would work. a women lives off her emotions.....men facts......never work no matter how hard you try. I met a lovly lady.

    james.......I read what you wrote. I truly felt this way about my ex wife.
    but little did I know what bipolar was at the time. so that changes what happened to me.
    but I have tried this only because it is who I am. inside and out.
    even still my relationships have failed. here is the truth to the matter.
    males and females are always going to be different.
    if couple are to be together for life. god would have cloned our selves as a woman and then it would work.
    a women lives off her emotions.....men facts......never work no matter how hard you try.
    I met a lovly lady.

  • jamesrussell.org

    jamesrussell.org

    Hi Doug and Steve, One of my mentors pointed out to me that in a race, when a runner passes the baton to a teammate, sometimes that runner just drops it. One thing's for certain though... I've never apologized for loving people. I've never been sorry for that. We cannot control how people respond to us, but we can control how we treat them. It's usually mistreating people, even if we believed they deserved it, that ends up filling us with infinite regret. I admire your courage to keep pressing on. Your brother in humanity, JRL

    Hi Doug and Steve,

    One of my mentors pointed out to me that in a race, when a runner passes the baton to a teammate, sometimes that runner just drops it. One thing's for certain though... I've never apologized for loving people. I've never been sorry for that. We cannot control how people respond to us, but we can control how we treat them. It's usually mistreating people, even if we believed they deserved it, that ends up filling us with infinite regret. I admire your courage to keep pressing on.
    Your brother in humanity,
    JRL

  • Nicole Jacob

    Nicole Jacob Tamworth

    We have been married for 3 years and they were my best 3 years from my life. But sometimes I am a bitch. I have been a very spoiled child last week and I asked my husband to sleep in the spare room for the whole week as a punishment for some childish arguments.After I read your article I understood that I was an idiot. So I called my husband to apologise for my behaviour because deep inside I know that he loves me and I do love him as crazy. Thank you for your insights, it helped me today to see what an idiot I am.

    We have been married for 3 years and they were my best 3 years from my life. But sometimes I am a bitch. I have been a very spoiled child last week and I asked my husband to sleep in the spare room for the whole week as a punishment for some childish arguments.After I read your article I understood that I was an idiot. So I called my husband to apologise for my behaviour because deep inside I know that he loves me and I do love him as crazy. Thank you for your insights, it helped me today to see what an idiot I am.

  • cherr

    cherr ned antilles

    i've been married for almost 18 years now and never felt intense love from my husband, reading the above story from man, i asked myself who am i married too, what is being married all about. My husband over the past years never flirt with me, he never asked me a night out. he will never ever tells me he loves me, He never shows emotions towards me. My husband thinks that the most import thing is to work to provide for the family and doesn't see that our heart has drifting apart. There's no chemistry anymore between us, how hart i try to explain my concern it doesn't help. My thought are everyday about separation, but i know that i'm not ready for that,There are days like today that i trying to learn to heal my relationship with my husband, looking for lessons to fix this marriage that i stumble across your acrticle. He is not interesting to go for counseling. I still don't see any change in his behavoir. What to do when your husband don't show interest to save the the marriage

    i've been married for almost 18 years now and never felt intense love from my husband, reading the above story from man, i asked myself who am i married too, what is being married all about. My husband over the past years never flirt with me, he never asked me a night out. he will never ever tells me he loves me, He never shows emotions towards me. My husband thinks that the most import thing is to work to provide for the family and doesn't see that our heart has drifting apart. There's no chemistry anymore between us, how hart i try to explain my concern it doesn't help. My thought are everyday about separation, but i know that i'm not ready for that,There are days like today that i trying to learn to heal my relationship with my husband, looking for lessons to fix this marriage that i stumble across your acrticle. He is not interesting to go for counseling. I still don't see any change in his behavoir. What to do when your husband don't show interest to save the the marriage

  • Jessica.B

    Jessica.B Ontario, Canada

    This article has saved my marriage with my husband and continues to do so to this day. After almost 2 years of being in an unhappy relationship we decided to split. We have two kids under the age of six, the house, the car and all the responsibilities that comes with the life style. We tried everything, from date nights, to counselling... you name it we tried our best to make it work. I felt as if this relationship that I wanted nothing more then for it to work was falling apart. Our last week of living together I realized he emotional left months for he physically left. In that moment I knew I have no choice but to start grieving the loss of my relationship with my husband and the loss of our family unit. I promised myself I would not plead for him to stay since I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be me but I knew in my heart and soul that it wasn't suppose to be this way! About three days after he left he called me with a tone of voice I hadn't heard in years.... He told me to read this article (which shocked me because he is the kind of guy that doesn't really "read" things, he is the typical don't show emotions kind of guy) then he went on to say that everything in this article was true and he lost touch of the role he played in my life as my husband. He told me he was stupid to have pushed me aside with in the last year. He said sorry to me and said that this article made him open eyes and view "us" in a totally different light. Needles to say he came home that night and ever since then our life together has change in the most amazing way! He saved it on his phone and reads the article to refresh that feeling with times get hard. I am grateful for the gift that has come from the inspiring words of someone who might of realized to late. Thank you for saving what I thought was lost and helping repair our family

    This article has saved my marriage with my husband and continues to do so to this day. After almost 2 years of being in an unhappy relationship we decided to split. We have two kids under the age of six, the house, the car and all the responsibilities that comes with the life style. We tried everything, from date nights, to counselling... you name it we tried our best to make it work. I felt as if this relationship that I wanted nothing more then for it to work was falling apart. Our last week of living together I realized he emotional left months for he physically left. In that moment I knew I have no choice but to start grieving the loss of my relationship with my husband and the loss of our family unit. I promised myself I would not plead for him to stay since I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be me but I knew in my heart and soul that it wasn't suppose to be this way! About three days after he left he called me with a tone of voice I hadn't heard in years.... He told me to read this article (which shocked me because he is the kind of guy that doesn't really "read" things, he is the typical don't show emotions kind of guy) then he went on to say that everything in this article was true and he lost touch of the role he played in my life as my husband. He told me he was stupid to have pushed me aside with in the last year. He said sorry to me and said that this article made him open eyes and view "us" in a totally different light. Needles to say he came home that night and ever since then our life together has change in the most amazing way! He saved it on his phone and reads the article to refresh that feeling with times get hard. I am grateful for the gift that has come from the inspiring words of someone who might of realized to late. Thank you for saving what I thought was lost and helping repair our family

  • Martin

    Martin UK

    Im not sure how I could have done number 12 when i was strictly told there was a line down the bed and i shouldnt cross it! Sexy time was twice a month if I was lucky ! No wonder we split after 16 yrs. She took her sex advice from the church, about the worst place imaginable!

    Im not sure how I could have done number 12 when i was strictly told there was a line down the bed and i shouldnt cross it! Sexy time was twice a month if I was lucky ! No wonder we split after 16 yrs. She took her sex advice from the church, about the worst place imaginable!

  • me

    me uk

    This works for both man and women.....I can see areas I need to work on in this...as well as my husband! Thanks for the help. ☺

    This works for both man and women.....I can see areas I need to work on in this...as well as my husband! Thanks for the help. ☺

  • Insidious_Sid

    Insidious_Sid Alberta, Canada

    Getting married was the single biggest mistake of my life. I will never do it again. I don't think women these days are prepared to handle the rigors of married life and raising children - they were raised by entitled "children" themselves, 2nd wave feminists in the 80's. When I hear what women's expectations are in marriage now, and see what they bring to the table versus what they want to take off of it, and how quickly they fold like a sloppy card house under any pressure, and blame the man exclusively for the problems, I think "Why the heck would any man with half a brain subject himself to this?". Complete waste of effort, too little return on what you invest and way too big a chance the whole thing will collapse or blow up in your face and leave you (and your children) financially and emotionally devastated.

    Getting married was the single biggest mistake of my life. I will never do it again. I don't think women these days are prepared to handle the rigors of married life and raising children - they were raised by entitled "children" themselves, 2nd wave feminists in the 80's. When I hear what women's expectations are in marriage now, and see what they bring to the table versus what they want to take off of it, and how quickly they fold like a sloppy card house under any pressure, and blame the man exclusively for the problems, I think "Why the heck would any man with half a brain subject himself to this?". Complete waste of effort, too little return on what you invest and way too big a chance the whole thing will collapse or blow up in your face and leave you (and your children) financially and emotionally devastated.

  • Jennifer

    Jennifer New Hampshire

    Thank you all. I have been married with 3 wonderful children. My husband is an incredible father, a good man. He coaches and gives selflessly to them. He is kind to me and never yells at me or anything. He works hard and never is in a bad mood. I appreciate and treat him with more love and respect. I have cooked, cleaned, always loved having sex with him and cater to him. I don't receive or want gifts or flowers. I am low maintenance and love life. That being said, I am lonely. He lays his head down at night and goes to sleep. He cuddles with the dog or the kids and some nights he goes on the coach because he can't sleep. We rarely have an hour by ourselves and he never asks me to go on a date or do anything just he and I. It's all about our kids. Don't get me wrong, I am just as devoted but yearn for time with my husband. Lots of times we don't have sex because he is tired. We are in our 40's and are in good shape. I kickbox and he is very physically fit. I don't remember the last time he took me to dinner or on a date. It's been years. Am I just wanting too much? I find myself looking at other men and I have never done that! I love him and would do anything for him. I feel terrible and I am lonely. :-(

    Thank you all. I have been married with 3 wonderful children. My husband is an incredible father, a good man. He coaches and gives selflessly to them. He is kind to me and never yells at me or anything. He works hard and never is in a bad mood. I appreciate and treat him with more love and respect. I have cooked, cleaned, always loved having sex with him and cater to him. I don't receive or want gifts or flowers. I am low maintenance and love life.

    That being said, I am lonely. He lays his head down at night and goes to sleep. He cuddles with the dog or the kids and some nights he goes on the coach because he can't sleep. We rarely have an hour by ourselves and he never asks me to go on a date or do anything just he and I. It's all about our kids. Don't get me wrong, I am just as devoted but yearn for time with my husband. Lots of times we don't have sex because he is tired. We are in our 40's and are in good shape. I kickbox and he is very physically fit. I don't remember the last time he took me to dinner or on a date. It's been years.

    Am I just wanting too much? I find myself looking at other men and I have never done that! I love him and would do anything for him. I feel terrible and I am lonely. :-(

  • Paula

    Paula Connecticut

    Inspiring stories I admire all that shared..my husband and I were married almost 14 years,and passed away then I met someone and was with him 11 years we lived together.Now he broke my heart and decided to move back with his ex- wife.It tore me apart,He just decided he didn't want to be with me anymore afte after being on temporary disability awaiting knee surgery.It really is a sad situation.

    Inspiring stories I admire all that shared..my husband and I were married almost 14 years,and passed away then I met someone and was with him 11 years we lived together.Now he broke my heart and decided to move back with his ex- wife.It tore me apart,He just decided he didn't want to be with me anymore afte
    after being on temporary disability awaiting knee surgery.It really is a sad situation.

  • Jennifer

    Jennifer NH

    I forgot to mention that we have been married for 16 years.

    I forgot to mention that we have been married for 16 years.

  • Craig

    Craig WI

    I hope that women understand both husband and wife should give of themselves to the other as deeply as the author suggest. A husband can feel as though his needs are not met to the same degree.

    I hope that women understand both husband and wife should give of themselves to the other as deeply as the author suggest.
    A husband can feel as though his needs are not met to the same degree.

  • Patty

    Patty

    I absolutely LOVED this!!! How poignant, how perfect. It resonated so deep with me....married 20 years and not feeling so good about it. I do choose love and now I don't feel so crazy. Thank you for sharing your feelings, experience and wisdom, it has helped me immensely and I have asked my husband to read it.

    I absolutely LOVED this!!! How poignant, how perfect. It resonated so deep with me....married 20 years and not feeling so good about it. I do choose love and now I don't feel so crazy. Thank you for sharing your feelings, experience and wisdom, it has helped me immensely and I have asked my husband to read it.

  • Terumi

    Terumi Maryland

    I see so many ways in the world that brainwashes us to believe that true love (unconditional) does not exist. Reading your article is a validation and an inspiration to myself and others that authentic love does happen and it requires us to believe. Don't settle for less because when you do, you'll soon discover you were better off staying joyfully single! Begin the mission to tip the scale where there are more couples staying together in a loving partnership that is everlasting for marriage.

    I see so many ways in the world that brainwashes us to believe that true love (unconditional) does not exist. Reading your article is a validation and an inspiration to myself and others that authentic love does happen and it requires us to believe. Don't settle for less because when you do, you'll soon discover you were better off staying joyfully single! Begin the mission to tip the scale where there are more couples staying together in a loving partnership that is everlasting for marriage.

  • Mary

    Mary

    One thing I'd like to add, from a womans perspective. Men seem to put too much emphisis on sex, like that is the most important part of keeping a relationship going. The problem is, its not. It's a perk. When a man can no longer perform in bed it takes away from his feelings of being able to satisfy his wife. He may then shun any intomate contact with her because he thinks actaully doing "the deed" is what counts. I'm here to tell you men that it's not. Intimacy is important, it includes kissing deeply, holding hands, caressing, etc. This is what a woman needs and what you can give her that does not have to end in sex. This misunderstanding is exactly what ended my marriage. He got ED, was embarassed to talk to his Dr about it and cut off ALL intimate contact with me. I didn't care that it wouldn't end in sex, I only wanted to show him I loved him and to feel the same from him. The second I would show any intimacy he would roll over. Finally I gave up and eventually fell out of love with him. Eventually he figured out how bad he screwed up, but by that time it was too late.

    One thing I'd like to add, from a womans perspective. Men seem to put too much emphisis on sex, like that is the most important part of keeping a relationship going. The problem is, its not. It's a perk. When a man can no longer perform in bed it takes away from his feelings of being able to satisfy his wife. He may then shun any intomate contact with her because he thinks actaully doing "the deed" is what counts. I'm here to tell you men that it's not. Intimacy is important, it includes kissing deeply, holding hands, caressing, etc. This is what a woman needs and what you can give her that does not have to end in sex. This misunderstanding is exactly what ended my marriage. He got ED, was embarassed to talk to his Dr about it and cut off ALL intimate contact with me. I didn't care that it wouldn't end in sex, I only wanted to show him I loved him and to feel the same from him. The second I would show any intimacy he would roll over. Finally I gave up and eventually fell out of love with him.
    Eventually he figured out how bad he screwed up, but by that time it was too late.

  • Still married for now

    Still married for now

    It all reads beautifully like a Nicholas Sparks novel but also sounds like it might be written by someone who got handed a divorce they didn't want or expect and is struggling with feelings of regret while trying to make sense of it all. People are complex and divorces are messy because of it. The author could have done all those points and still end up divorced.

    It all reads beautifully like a Nicholas Sparks novel but also sounds like it might be written by someone who got handed a divorce they didn't want or expect and is struggling with feelings of regret while trying to make sense of it all.

    People are complex and divorces are messy because of it. The author could have done all those points and still end up divorced.

  • Enchantra

    Enchantra Omaha, Nebraska

    I've learned something today from Reading this, I asked my husband to Read it and he's the type who says ok and don't. So I read it to him and then looked at him and asked did you learn any thing from this? He said I don't know and walked out room, saying yes a little. I know I did. I am going to do what I learned, at least try, I'm hoping and praying My Husband does as well. I Love this man with all my heart and soul. My life would be empty without him. Everything about him makes me complete. This article changed me forever. We have been together 15 Years. I hope there still many years more. His saying is 15 to 30 Here We are, 30 to 60 Well Still Be. He just had that saying put on my 30th birthday cake. Thank you so much James Russell and Gerard Rogers! I Love this article

    I've learned something today from Reading this, I asked my husband to Read it and he's the type who says ok and don't. So I read it to him and then looked at him and asked did you learn any thing from this? He said I don't know and walked out room, saying yes a little. I know I did. I am going to do what I learned, at least try, I'm hoping and praying My Husband does as well. I Love this man with all my heart and soul. My life would be empty without him. Everything about him makes me complete. This article changed me forever. We have been together 15 Years. I hope there still many years more. His saying is 15 to 30 Here We are, 30 to 60 Well Still Be. He just had that saying put on my 30th birthday cake. Thank you so much James Russell and Gerard Rogers!
    I Love this article

  • Marcel

    Marcel Los Angeles, California

    My marriage is ending. I am a 33 year old man who has been married to the most beautiful woman for 4 years and 5 months. I guess you can say that I have learned and still am learning so much about my wife, soon to-be-ex-wife. The weird thing is that we are the best of friends. We laugh and have a great time together. We are always doing fun things and spend a great deal of time trying things out together. But my only flaw has a lot to do with what Gerard Rogers pointed out in regards to fixing my wife. Because of the age difference, I sometimes took the role of a father figure. Something I am ashamed and wish so much that I can change. Our marriage had some other issues such as lack of trust. From the beginning I said somethings that were untrue and caused her great suffering. There was no physical cheating which I have now come to understand is not the point. I was frustrated with her for treating me like a 5 year old boy and she was tired of being treated the same. Both my wife and I treated each other like kids. So awful. And today our perspective on marriage has changed so much. She believes in an open-relationship and I believe the opposite. We want to stay good friends. But I am afraid that her letting me know that I am not sexually enough for her is going to be a wound I soon will not get rid of. I am devastated.

    My marriage is ending. I am a 33 year old man who has been married to the most beautiful woman for 4 years and 5 months. I guess you can say that I have learned and still am learning so much about my wife, soon to-be-ex-wife. The weird thing is that we are the best of friends. We laugh and have a great time together. We are always doing fun things and spend a great deal of time trying things out together. But my only flaw has a lot to do with what Gerard Rogers pointed out in regards to fixing my wife. Because of the age difference, I sometimes took the role of a father figure. Something I am ashamed and wish so much that I can change. Our marriage had some other issues such as lack of trust. From the beginning I said somethings that were untrue and caused her great suffering. There was no physical cheating which I have now come to understand is not the point. I was frustrated with her for treating me like a 5 year old boy and she was tired of being treated the same. Both my wife and I treated each other like kids. So awful. And today our perspective on marriage has changed so much. She believes in an open-relationship and I believe the opposite. We want to stay good friends. But I am afraid that her letting me know that I am not sexually enough for her is going to be a wound I soon will not get rid of. I am devastated.

  • Bond

    Bond Africa

    For marriage to work. Both husband and wife should give it +75%. It shouldn't be the husband/men alone in the relationship putting all the effort. I have been married for 14 yrs and our marriage is hitting rock bottom. In our years of marriage, I have always given my wife gifts, flowers, massages, dinner dates on Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversary, Valentine and surprised her occasionally. Have I ever received a gift? No. She has never ever surprised me with flirting, sex, gifts, dinner, massages etc. It has always been I trying hard. Women, tend to just want to receive and never make an effort to give to the men. If both parties and be the giver and the receiver, marriages will stand a better chance. Being single, gets you a lot of flirting and great sex and awesome conversations. I totally agree with Airlie, Steven and DD and as for

    For marriage to work. Both husband and wife should give it +75%. It shouldn't be the husband/men alone in the relationship putting all the effort. I have been married for 14 yrs and our marriage is hitting rock bottom. In our years of marriage, I have always given my wife gifts, flowers, massages, dinner dates on Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversary, Valentine and surprised her occasionally. Have I ever received a gift? No.
    She has never ever surprised me with flirting, sex, gifts, dinner, massages etc. It has always been I trying hard. Women, tend to just want to receive and never make an effort to give to the men. If both parties and be the giver and the receiver, marriages will stand a better chance.
    Being single, gets you a lot of flirting and great sex and awesome conversations. I totally agree with Airlie, Steven and DD and as for

  • Tammy

    Tammy Kennewick, WA

    I read the first time you sent it out about a year ago. It is great, sage advice which certainly goes without saying goes both ways in a relationship. It takes two people to willingly chose to make the commitment together and see it through the good times as well as the down times.

    I read the first time you sent it out about a year ago. It is great, sage advice which certainly goes without saying goes both ways in a relationship. It takes two people to willingly chose to make the commitment together and see it through the good times as well as the down times.

  • L

    L

    Dear Lord, so much sexist garbage and generalization in the contents. If your wife is not loving you in the way you need, that is your responsibility to express those needs - sometimes directly. She is not a mind reader. She also has a right to refuse meeting some of those needs - and if they're necessary for your happiness then there are choices you both need to make. But must importantly, just because your wife isn't doing this or that - doesn't mean it's a characteristic you can apply to all womankind. It means either you didn't pick well to begin with or one or both of you had changed over time.

    Dear Lord, so much sexist garbage and generalization in the contents. If your wife is not loving you in the way you need, that is your responsibility to express those needs - sometimes directly. She is not a mind reader. She also has a right to refuse meeting some of those needs - and if they're necessary for your happiness then there are choices you both need to make. But must importantly, just because your wife isn't doing this or that - doesn't mean it's a characteristic you can apply to all womankind. It means either you didn't pick well to begin with or one or both of you had changed over time.

  • Michelle

    Michelle Australia

    This article sang to me because my husband of 20 years carries most of the qualities listed. The one flaw to which I feel intense betrayal for, is his addiction to porn. When I first discovered this last year, I naturally found myself comparing the flaws I had to what he was viewing and tried to even incorporate it in the bedroom. My obsession with my looks became overwhelming, that for awhile I paid a lot attention to it, botox here and there, exercising constantly that because of the love I always feel and have felt, I thought it was a thing of the past. He travels for work. Prior to his last departure, we spoke openly and honestly to what eats me up inside. He promised to me, after realizing how small and inadequate it made me feel, that he didn't want to do that to me again. But, only a few days later, after his departure I had to do some work and his laptop was available so I used it. As I punched in a topic in the search engine, there was his viewing history. PORN. He takes me out, treats me like I am the only woman that exists and we have an incredible intimacy, that I always hold him priority giving constant praise and a lot of affection however that part you listed about opening up, even the dark side, he seems to not have the words to or at least let me understand or make sense of it. All I have ever said to him, is complete transparency when it comes to feelings, thoughts and emotions. Am I not that safe for him to relinquish his inner being too? I have sent your letter to him to read and I pray that I can forgo the pain that I feel right now and learn to love and forgive him. Thank you for expressing yourself, it has reminded me of what It takes to make a relationship strong.

    This article sang to me because my husband of 20 years carries most of the qualities listed. The one flaw to which I feel intense betrayal for, is his addiction to porn. When I first discovered this last year, I naturally found myself comparing the flaws I had to what he was viewing and tried to even incorporate it in the bedroom. My obsession with my looks became overwhelming, that for awhile I paid a lot attention to it, botox here and there, exercising constantly that because of the love I always feel and have felt, I thought it was a thing of the past. He travels for work. Prior to his last departure, we spoke openly and honestly to what eats me up inside. He promised to me, after realizing how small and inadequate it made me feel, that he didn't want to do that to me again. But, only a few days later, after his departure I had to do some work and his laptop was available so I used it. As I punched in a topic in the search engine, there was his viewing history. PORN. He takes me out, treats me like I am the only woman that exists and we have an incredible intimacy, that I always hold him priority giving constant praise and a lot of affection however that part you listed about opening up, even the dark side, he seems to not have the words to or at least let me understand or make sense of it. All I have ever said to him, is complete transparency when it comes to feelings, thoughts and emotions. Am I not that safe for him to relinquish his inner being too? I have sent your letter to him to read and I pray that I can forgo the pain that I feel right now and learn to love and forgive him. Thank you for expressing yourself, it has reminded me of what It takes to make a relationship strong.

  • J

    J Texas

    It is amazing how one article has literally just called out everything I havent done for my marriage. I am going through a divorce after 19 yrs together and two teenage boys. She was my high school sweet heart and we got together young. I love her with all my heart, I just didn't know how to show her. Lord knows I wish I would have had this as a reference each day just to remind me that a marriage isn't suppose to be easy and it does take work. She sent this to me about 2 weeks ago and I have read it daily and can't believe that all it says to do and not to do, I did the opposite. I Truly believe we would still be together if I would have never forgotten what love in a marriage is truly about. My only regret now is that I will never get the chance to show her what it truly feels like to be loved by me in the right way. Thanks for this amazing advice, but it's just a few months too late.

    It is amazing how one article has literally just called out everything I havent done for my marriage. I am going through a divorce after 19 yrs together and two teenage boys. She was my high school sweet heart and we got together young. I love her with all my heart, I just didn't know how to show her. Lord knows I wish I would have had this as a reference each day just to remind me that a marriage isn't suppose to be easy and it does take work. She sent this to me about 2 weeks ago and I have read it daily and can't believe that all it says to do and not to do, I did the opposite. I Truly believe we would still be together if I would have never forgotten what love in a marriage is truly about. My only regret now is that I will never get the chance to show her what it truly feels like to be loved by me in the right way. Thanks for this amazing advice, but it's just a few months too late.

  • Dan

    Dan Kentucky

    J - it's never too late.

    J - it's never too late.

  • Dan

    Dan Washington

    I think your article, if true, is your reflection of remorse and what YOU should have done. Marriage/Relationship is a two way street. I feel you should re-evaluate your feelings and ideas in another two years......you might find you could have different ideas and feelings. Compare those to your above article. There are many reasons for divorce. One of which is emotional problems and mental disorders some people do have......and there is little one can do to change a person with mental disorders. Alcohol is often very harmful to a relationship. Couple that with emotional problems and you have a no win situation.

    I think your article, if true, is your reflection of remorse and what YOU should have done. Marriage/Relationship is a two way street. I feel you should re-evaluate your feelings and ideas in another two years......you might find you could have different ideas and feelings. Compare those to your above article. There are many reasons for divorce. One of which is emotional problems and mental disorders some people do have......and there is little one can do to change a person with mental disorders. Alcohol is often very harmful to a relationship. Couple that with emotional problems and you have a no win situation.

  • Every "Man"

    Every "Man" doesn't matter USA

    Obviously written by the woman. No mention of the man's needs. For every relationship, there are two sides. Both need to adhere to the others needs and wants. When one stops, it's over! From a man, still in a go nowhere 16 year marriage. Expected to give her all she needs when she gives nothing

    Obviously written by the woman. No mention of the man's needs. For every relationship, there are two sides. Both need to adhere to the others needs and wants. When one stops, it's over!

    From a man, still in a go nowhere 16 year marriage. Expected to give her all she needs when she gives nothing

  • Man

    Man Michigan

    My story maybe one of inspiration The author of this article is absolutely correct. I was married for 25 years we are both very attractive couple i was businessman took care of my wife . Very much loved her and I felt she stopped or didn't love me anymore the marriage was in crisis there's almost nothing I can do. she didn't want it anymore and it hurt and it made me angry and I did everything wrong not everything. It was a long drawn out divorce complications she moved out August 2013 Our divorce was final April. 2014. For two years I read everything I could about relationships hope to win her love back how to save your marriage just didn't work. Counseling Ect. Even the last day for marriage I even asked her if she would reconsider told me no Finally dropping the rope finally excepting it's over even her mom told me it would be miracle for her to come back to you. one month after the divorce I receiving phone calls from strange phone calls late at night and text messages at that time I meet someone else I was moving on I couldn't believe it was her I didn't respond back right away it a while but I finally did we met a few times I didn't know that she misses me and she loves me she told me she was sorry for many things I told her I was sorry for many things I didn't shut the door on her when she finally reached out to me. I was starting a new a relationship I told her about it she told me she didn't want to interfere with that but as time went on and I kept thinking about her our contact light we were just communicating and talking like we haven't done in years She sent me a letter outlining what she's been going through and how she felt it was the first letter I can't tell you how long I don't want to going to details but it basically said if you give me the opportunity I will give the opportunity to you. That was five months ago since then we been have the best time of our lives we been vacationing together been dating going out it's been wonderful many of the things that in this article we're both doing for each other now. I'm just so thankful and I told her this we gave a opportunity to give our best to each other and that's all it took. if you get an opportunity be a man read this article take of your opportunity and do your best

    My story maybe one of inspiration The author of this article is absolutely correct. I was married for 25 years we are both very attractive couple i was businessman took care of my wife . Very much loved her and I felt she stopped or didn't love me anymore the marriage was in crisis there's almost nothing I can do. she didn't want it anymore and it hurt and it made me angry and I did everything wrong not everything. It was a long drawn out divorce complications she moved out August 2013 Our divorce was final April. 2014. For two years I read everything I could about relationships hope to win her love back how to save your marriage just didn't work. Counseling Ect. Even the last day for marriage I even asked her if she would reconsider told me no
    Finally dropping the rope finally excepting it's over even her mom told me it would be miracle for her to come back to you.
    one month after the divorce I receiving phone calls from strange phone calls late at night and text messages
    at that time I meet someone else I was moving on I couldn't believe it was her I didn't respond back right away it a while but I finally did we met a few times I didn't know that she misses me and she loves me
    she told me she was sorry for many things I told her I was sorry for many things I didn't shut the door on her when she finally reached out to me. I was starting a new a relationship I told her about it she told me she didn't want to interfere with that but as time went on and I kept thinking about her our contact light we were just communicating and talking like we haven't done in years She sent me a letter outlining what she's been going through and how she felt it was the first letter I can't tell you how long I don't want to going to details but it basically said if you give me the opportunity I will give the opportunity to you. That was five months ago since then we been have the best time of our lives we been vacationing together been dating going out it's been wonderful many of the things that in this article we're both doing for each other now. I'm just so thankful and I told her this we gave a opportunity to give our best to each other and that's all it took. if you get an opportunity be a man read this article take of your opportunity and do your best

  • Pensive

    Pensive europeanised yank...

    All of James' points resonate: both players making an effort, the need to do something different to stay out of the routine, putting the other before one's self.. Especially when the wife is making a super effort to juggle (most of) job, household, kids, while the husband does the 'primary' job with travel etc. does any of this sound familiar? Well it all caught up to me after 20 yrs. mid 40s now, I found out that my wife was emotionally involved with an old flame, also a responsible parent but feeling disenfranchised with his own situation. So they found each other, rekindle a college romance and dreaming about a life together. So I found out, his wife finds out and he can't pull the trigger and give up his family, friends, wife, etc. I knew something was amiss 18months back and got my act together. Travel less,more family to me, more focus on the kids, more focus on my wife. ...basically all the things I should've done 5 years ago. So I unerstand the score...my wife has a broken heart b/c of someone else, she doesn't love me but is very, very fond of me and the beautiful family we built together. My positive outlook compels me to hang on and help her recover and encourage her to rebuild with me. My gut says we've had out time together And time to move on....our three boys 9-14 will cope as long as we are civil. I'd love to know James' view on getting over someone I still love but but just can't seem to walk away from.

    All of James' points resonate: both players making an effort, the need to do something different to stay out of the routine, putting the other before one's self.. Especially when the wife is making a super effort to juggle (most of) job, household, kids, while the husband does the 'primary' job with travel etc. does any of this sound familiar? Well it all caught up to me after 20 yrs. mid 40s now, I found out that my wife was emotionally involved with an old flame, also a responsible parent but feeling disenfranchised with his own situation. So they found each other, rekindle a college romance and dreaming about a life together. So I found out, his wife finds out and he can't pull the trigger and give up his family, friends, wife, etc. I knew something was amiss 18months back and got my act together. Travel less,more family to me, more focus on the kids, more focus on my wife. ...basically all the things I should've done 5 years ago. So I unerstand the score...my wife has a broken heart b/c of someone else, she doesn't love me but is very, very fond of me and the beautiful family we built together. My positive outlook compels me to hang on and help her recover and encourage her to rebuild with me. My gut says we've had out time together And time to move on....our three boys 9-14 will cope as long as we are civil. I'd love to know James' view on getting over someone I still love but but just can't seem to walk away from.

  • jamesrussell.org

    jamesrussell.org

    Hi Pensive, Gerald Rogers wrote the article. He's not the easiest man to get in touch with since he stays very busy with his occupations and vocations, but I would recommend you and your wife visiting a licensed marriage and family therapist, someone old enough to be your parent with 20+ years of experience in counseling couples. That's the best advice I think myself or anyone else can give you. I wish you all the best. -JRL

    Hi Pensive, Gerald Rogers wrote the article. He's not the easiest man to get in touch with since he stays very busy with his occupations and vocations, but I would recommend you and your wife visiting a licensed marriage and family therapist, someone old enough to be your parent with 20+ years of experience in counseling couples. That's the best advice I think myself or anyone else can give you. I wish you all the best. -JRL

  • Steve

    Steve Oklahoma

    I too wish I had read this article months ago. I woke up to a letter a day after Thanksgiving. I'm devastated. I knew we had problems,but after ten years together, we have overcome a lot. Unfortunately I'm guilty of failing at all of the things listed, although I'm not they only one. I'm afraid she's already given her heart to another.

    I too wish I had read this article months ago. I woke up to a letter a day after Thanksgiving. I'm devastated. I knew we had problems,but after ten years together, we have overcome a lot. Unfortunately I'm guilty of failing at all of the things listed, although I'm not they only one. I'm afraid she's already given her heart to another.

  • wendy

    wendy Va. Beach,Va. & WV.

    I recently read your article desperately trying to find out why,where and when my marriage failed of 18 years. We have 6 children and have been with my husband for 20 years total. We started out as high school sweet hearts and then got married after graduating. The plan was to be together forever and for us to have a family. However the trials and tribulations of life and our world has taken its toll. Not to mention our families history. Something most couples never think about before taking the plunge to get married. Somewhere along the way my husband stopped caring and being soft and gentle. I am not sure but I thin it was rich after the wedding 2 months later when he choose a career in the Marines. Seems like he became too hard and tough and the romance stopped after he left me to go to boot camp only 2 months after being married. Upon his return he became a mean person to me and controlling as hell. Very angry and stopped dating me too. He never re ally tried it seemed and only focused on himself and his career. Even after getting out of the Marines. Any job or career that he had,has always comes before me and our love. Even with his family and our children. He has simply taken me for granted many many years and treated and spoken to me like dirt. All the while I stay home being supportive of all of his career choices along with taking care of our 6 children all after putting off mg own career choices or going back to college and getting another degree that will more then likely so collecting dust with the others that I earned. However I am busy raising our family as he is busy doi g his own thing and neglecting me. I spent my whole 20's being pregnant and into my mid 30's all to give him what he said he wanted. Now and as always he has treated me like dirt and disrespected me. I am tired of putting forth energy,time,effort and mostly my heart to have it keep getting broken. I can't get him to see that laughing and dating one another is better then arguing and him thinking ill of me all the time. I think this article really hit home for me and as I so back and tho k about the marriage vows we said to one another in Gods house I am sad because I know in my heart that we have no real marriage or at least what we vowed to one another that special day. Their is no emotion closeness nor friendship nor much trust between us as there should be. I know and can feel it. I always have and have been the one to honor him and our relationship and try and better it through the years with everything that I can. At some point though you get past the point of exhaustion and the only thing you have is prayer. I will continue to pray fail until the end,but when is that? When you feel that you have no honor left? No fight left in you. My soul aches daily but as God says love anyway and so i will until I guess I can't anymore. I guess until I am past the numbness stage. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful lesson with the world. I will always be grateful that at least someone other then I think marriage is supposed to be the ways you described always. With lot of hope and prayer....Wendy

    I recently read your article desperately trying to find out why,where and when my marriage failed of 18 years. We have 6 children and have been with my husband for 20 years total. We started out as high school sweet hearts and then got married after graduating. The plan was to be together forever and for us to have a family. However the trials and tribulations of life and our world has taken its toll. Not to mention our families history. Something most couples never think about before taking the plunge to get married. Somewhere along the way my husband stopped caring and being soft and gentle. I am not sure but I thin it was rich after the wedding 2 months later when he choose a career in the Marines. Seems like he became too hard and tough and the romance stopped after he left me to go to boot camp only 2 months after being married. Upon his return he became a mean person to me and controlling as hell. Very angry and stopped dating me too. He never re ally tried it seemed and only focused on himself and his career. Even after getting out of the Marines. Any job or career that he had,has always comes before me and our love. Even with his family and our children. He has simply taken me for granted many many years and treated and spoken to me like dirt. All the while I stay home being supportive of all of his career choices along with taking care of our 6 children all after putting off mg own career choices or going back to college and getting another degree that will more then likely so collecting dust with the others that I earned. However I am busy raising our family as he is busy doi g his own thing and neglecting me. I spent my whole 20's being pregnant and into my mid 30's all to give him what he said he wanted. Now and as always he has treated me like dirt and disrespected me. I am tired of putting forth energy,time,effort and mostly my heart to have it keep getting broken. I can't get him to see that laughing and dating one another is better then arguing and him thinking ill of me all the time. I think this article really hit home for me and as I so back and tho k about the marriage vows we said to one another in Gods house I am sad because I know in my heart that we have no real marriage or at least what we vowed to one another that special day. Their is no emotion closeness nor friendship nor much trust between us as there should be. I know and can feel it. I always have and have been the one to honor him and our relationship and try and better it through the years with everything that I can. At some point though you get past the point of exhaustion and the only thing you have is prayer. I will continue to pray fail until the end,but when is that? When you feel that you have no honor left? No fight left in you. My soul aches daily but as God says love anyway and so i will until I guess I can't anymore. I guess until I am past the numbness stage. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful lesson with the world. I will always be grateful that at least someone other then I think marriage is supposed to be the ways you described always. With lot of hope and prayer....Wendy

  • NoOneOfConsequence

    NoOneOfConsequence Vancouver, B.C.

    Something VERY important: all that means crap unless your partner buys in too. In fact - just trying to live up to that list alone will destroy your mental well being forever. It will make you question yourself, wonder what happened, wonder what you did wrong. If the person you are with is incapable of following along, well then the whole thing is pointless. You might as well end it sooner than later - if not, count on misery. I laughed bitterly when I read this. I lived this, it was my mantra - and I was betrayed, my children were betrayed. After 23 years, she walked out on us all. Gave up. Quit. Lied. Cheated. Stole. Left. The warning signs were there. Over the years - every single one of these points were tested...she failed every one. I tried to believe in love - it got me nowhere but hell. Take these words to heart...if only one of you believes in, and wholeheartedly follows these guidelines...then your relationship is DOOMED. End it now - save yourself the torture. Get out. Get safe. Find the person who believes as well.

    Something VERY important: all that means crap unless your partner buys in too.

    In fact - just trying to live up to that list alone will destroy your mental well being forever. It will make you question yourself, wonder what happened, wonder what you did wrong. If the person you are with is incapable of following along, well then the whole thing is pointless. You might as well end it sooner than later - if not, count on misery.

    I laughed bitterly when I read this. I lived this, it was my mantra - and I was betrayed, my children were betrayed. After 23 years, she walked out on us all. Gave up. Quit. Lied. Cheated. Stole. Left.

    The warning signs were there. Over the years - every single one of these points were tested...she failed every one. I tried to believe in love - it got me nowhere but hell.

    Take these words to heart...if only one of you believes in, and wholeheartedly follows these guidelines...then your relationship is DOOMED. End it now - save yourself the torture. Get out. Get safe. Find the person who believes as well.

  • one last synapse

    one last synapse A mountain Hideaway

    I have to totally agree with NoOneOfConsequence's experiance. I too lived this as fiercely as I knew how. In the end I had a mental breakdown, misery overtook me and now six months later I am treated as though I never existed am am trying to pick up the pieces everyday I spend without the love of the woman I pledged my future too. In the 1970's when No-Fault divorce became the norm all the womans groups screamed that men would love'm and leave'm just as fast as they turned 30 years old. I reality over 70% of divorces are filed by women with a sence of entitlement that think life is greener on the otherside. All too often they do exactly what was posted above "- and I was betrayed, my children were betrayed. After 23 years, she walked out on us all. Gave up. Quit. Lied. Cheated. Stole. Left." For me it was 16 years, but whose counting when the end game is growing old with the one you love and have built a life and family with. as NOOC posted above... Take these words to heart...if only one of you believes in, and wholeheartedly follows these guidelines...then your relationship is DOOMED. Guard your hearts men. Not your wifes.

    I have to totally agree with NoOneOfConsequence's experiance. I too lived this as fiercely as I knew how. In the end I had a mental breakdown, misery overtook me and now six months later I am treated as though I never existed am am trying to pick up the pieces everyday I spend without the love of the woman I pledged my future too. In the 1970's when No-Fault divorce became the norm all the womans groups screamed that men would love'm and leave'm just as fast as they turned 30 years old. I reality over 70% of divorces are filed by women with a sence of entitlement that think life is greener on the otherside. All too often they do exactly what was posted above "- and I was betrayed, my children were betrayed. After 23 years, she walked out on us all. Gave up. Quit. Lied. Cheated. Stole. Left." For me it was 16 years, but whose counting when the end game is growing old with the one you love and have built a life and family with.

    as NOOC posted above... Take these words to heart...if only one of you believes in, and wholeheartedly follows these guidelines...then your relationship is DOOMED. Guard your hearts men. Not your wifes.

  • ananomous

    ananomous

    I don't even know what to say, my 20 year anniversary is next year and all I know is I'm not happy and I don't think my husband even cares.

    I don't even know what to say, my 20 year anniversary is next year and all I know is I'm not happy and I don't think my husband even cares.

  • Katie h

    Katie h USA

    When I see comments like .. A marriage is 50 50 I feel sick! There are many many times it will be 99 /1 or 25/75. Things are rarely equally and you must be willing to step up when your partner is down. Whe I had cancer there was no way I could pull my "50"! When he is away I pull 100 plus taking care of kids and home. It is all give and take but when you learn to give more than take you and your marriage will truly be blessed. Stop keeping score.

    When I see comments like .. A marriage is 50 50 I feel sick! There are many many times it will be 99 /1 or 25/75. Things are rarely equally and you must be willing to step up when your partner is down. Whe I had cancer there was no way I could pull my "50"! When he is away I pull 100 plus taking care of kids and home. It is all give and take but when you learn to give more than take you and your marriage will truly be blessed. Stop keeping score.

  • D.M.

    D.M. USA

    This was beautifully written and on point. I was married for three years to a man who witheld sex, affection and attention. No matter how hard I worked to make us a home, remain in good shape, etc.-he was too immature and irresponsible (was later diagnosed bipolar but wouldn't take meds) and ended up cheating on me. He wasn't like this pre-marriage (there were signs of depression), but changed dramatically after we got married. It may have been due to our being too young, I don't know. I spent the next decade mostly celibate, working on me, making sure I'd never end up with someone who expects his partner to take care of everything and be responsible for his happiness. I'm writing here to address the men who've replied that women too need to make an effort. I agree! I was once told that EACH person needs to put in 100% effort for any relationship to work. If it's 75/25, you're always looking for what they are doing for you and that won't work. Every man I ever dated pre-marriage and even my ex-husband stated that I always made them feel special and loved, that I was the "perfect" wife had he wanted to be married. There are many women out there like me who are well-travelled, have many diverse interests, work full-time, maintain their bodies and spirits, keep a spotless home and cook fabulous meals, like to play sports, be outdoors, get dirty etc., treat their men like kings, plus desire sex on a consistent (as much as is possible/feasible) basis while also maintaining her own friendships. Where's the issue? I'm direct though and don't pull any punches, won't tolerate games or BS. Im extremely intuitive and know when something is off. I genuinely want to work on and to know how to make the relationship better. I've never been called a bitch; I don't nag; I'm authentic and expect the same, which it seems many men cannot handle. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm tired of hearing how wonderful I am and want to know where the good men are. I have such a hard time meeting men of quality who are ready for what I have to offer and now that I'm in my early 40s (though told I look early 30s), the men are few and far between who aren't severely jaded because of their previous experiences with women. I don't mind being single if it means staying out of bad relationships, but I would love to find an equal partner to share my life and bed with. I have several amazing girlfriends across the globe who have the same problem (I'm not a unicorn-we do exist). I've been on dating sites and curious, found many women like me are out there. So where are the men with similar desires looking for us? To those men who have been burned: there are women who have been as well. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and push through your fears of rejection. You just might find the relationship of your dreams.

    This was beautifully written and on point. I was married for three years to a man who witheld sex, affection and attention. No matter how hard I worked to make us a home, remain in good shape, etc.-he was too immature and irresponsible (was later diagnosed bipolar but wouldn't take meds) and ended up cheating on me. He wasn't like this pre-marriage (there were signs of depression), but changed dramatically after we got married. It may have been due to our being too young, I don't know. I spent the next decade mostly celibate, working on me, making sure I'd never end up with someone who expects his partner to take care of everything and be responsible for his happiness.

    I'm writing here to address the men who've replied that women too need to make an effort. I agree! I was once told that EACH person needs to put in 100% effort for any relationship to work. If it's 75/25, you're always looking for what they are doing for you and that won't work. Every man I ever dated pre-marriage and even my ex-husband stated that I always made them feel special and loved, that I was the "perfect" wife had he wanted to be married.

    There are many women out there like me who are well-travelled, have many diverse interests, work full-time, maintain their bodies and spirits, keep a spotless home and cook fabulous meals, like to play sports, be outdoors, get dirty etc., treat their men like kings, plus desire sex on a consistent (as much as is possible/feasible) basis while also maintaining her own friendships. Where's the issue? I'm direct though and don't pull any punches, won't tolerate games or BS. Im extremely intuitive and know when something is off. I genuinely want to work on and to know how to make the relationship better. I've never been called a bitch; I don't nag; I'm authentic and expect the same, which it seems many men cannot handle. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm tired of hearing how wonderful I am and want to know where the good men are. I have such a hard time meeting men of quality who are ready for what I have to offer and now that I'm in my early 40s (though told I look early 30s), the men are few and far between who aren't severely jaded because of their previous experiences with women. I don't mind being single if it means staying out of bad relationships, but I would love to find an equal partner to share my life and bed with. I have several amazing girlfriends across the globe who have the same problem (I'm not a unicorn-we do exist). I've been on dating sites and curious, found many women like me are out there. So where are the men with similar desires looking for us?

    To those men who have been burned: there are women who have been as well. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and push through your fears of rejection. You just might find the relationship of your dreams.

  • Katie

    Katie England

    I wish my ex husband had read this :( 2 years ago he awoke and decided after 26 years that he no longer wished to be with me was not sure what love was anymore and if indeed he felt that way about me. So me he left me and my children. In 26 years it is sad to say that he never went out with me, never took me out he never wanted to go with me to friends evenings out I always went on my own and he was not interested in me meeting his friends I lived the single life for nearly all of my married life. I will be honest I am a loving and giving person and always made him feel like he was special but never received anything in return! 2 years on I have met someone who does do these things with me and it was a very sad moment when my ex-husband admitted that he had got it wrong once he realised i had moved on with my life and the fact that I had fought for our marriage for the first 6 months after he left was the right thing to do and he wished he had seen it at the time. All I ever wanted him to do was to fight for us as a couple instead of just getting up and walking away without trying. Considering he left because he did not feel happy it is a shame that he is now even uhappier. I hope that men read this page and women to be honest and take heed 26 years as a long time to just give up but any time in a marriage you should always try to work it out before too late. It is a grieving that leaves scars, but one cannot be bitter or vindictive in life you have to get past it and move on and who knows would I marry again.... I said before absolutely not but who knows what the future holds and my new partner has made me realise that everything is a possibility.

    I wish my ex husband had read this frown 2 years ago he awoke and decided after 26 years that he no longer wished to be with me was not sure what love was anymore and if indeed he felt that way about me. So me he left me and my children.

    In 26 years it is sad to say that he never went out with me, never took me out he never wanted to go with me to friends evenings out I always went on my own and he was not interested in me meeting his friends I lived the single life for nearly all of my married life. I will be honest I am a loving and giving person and always made him feel like he was special but never received anything in return!

    2 years on I have met someone who does do these things with me and it was a very sad moment when my ex-husband admitted that he had got it wrong once he realised i had moved on with my life and the fact that I had fought for our marriage for the first 6 months after he left was the right thing to do and he wished he had seen it at the time. All I ever wanted him to do was to fight for us as a couple instead of just getting up and walking away without trying. Considering he left because he did not feel happy it is a shame that he is now even uhappier.

    I hope that men read this page and women to be honest and take heed 26 years as a long time to just give up but any time in a marriage you should always try to work it out before too late.

    It is a grieving that leaves scars, but one cannot be bitter or vindictive in life you have to get past it and move on and who knows would I marry again.... I said before absolutely not but who knows what the future holds and my new partner has made me realise that everything is a possibility.

  • Rich

    Rich

    NoOneOfConsequence is 100% correct. The problem is marriage is a dying institution because most women don't really buy into it themselves. They may say they do, but feminism has all but killed marriage and our old views of Romantic love. Marriage is an institution that is now legally designed to enrich divorced women and leave men destitute. You have a 50%+ divorce rate with 65% of those initiated by women. Those men will end up losing 50% of everything they ever earned or worked for and if they have children will end up losing another 20-33% of their income on top of that in child support and alimony. More than likely they will also lose their children while their ex's move in new freeloading "boyfriends" into homes they worked for to live with children they only get to see every other week. Wow, sounds like something really worth signing up for. It would be cheaper to see a hooker once a week. At least she will be honest about what it is going to cost to get screwed.

    NoOneOfConsequence is 100% correct. The problem is marriage is a dying institution because most women don't really buy into it themselves. They may say they do, but feminism has all but killed marriage and our old views of Romantic love. Marriage is an institution that is now legally designed to enrich divorced women and leave men destitute. You have a 50%+ divorce rate with 65% of those initiated by women. Those men will end up losing 50% of everything they ever earned or worked for and if they have children will end up losing another 20-33% of their income on top of that in child support and alimony. More than likely they will also lose their children while their ex's move in new freeloading "boyfriends" into homes they worked for to live with children they only get to see every other week. Wow, sounds like something really worth signing up for. It would be cheaper to see a hooker once a week. At least she will be honest about what it is going to cost to get screwed.

  • Kayla

    Kayla USA

    This article is beautiful. If I met a man who was able to bring all of these traits to the relationship, he could have me for forever. There are a lot of commenters (and I'm sure even more readers) who are completely missing the point the author is trying to make. However, I can definitely empathize with these men in the sense that they feel they have been repeatedly burned in romantic relationships. It would be nice to also have a (just as well written) female version of this article.... For both male and female readers who would like to look inside themselves to see how they can better contribute to their romantic relationships. There is one common denominator in all of our human relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, parental, professional, or simply in passing, and that common denominator is US/YOU! The one thing in life we all have control over is OURSELVES. Conversely, we do not have control over other people. (This last sentence is very controversial and we all probably carry a flawed view that we have some level of control over certain others, however, I think that is better described as "influence" not control). I digress... Anyway, there are two ways I commonly see people go wrong, and in turn, completely ignore the beauty and the meaning behind well written and well intended articles like these. 1.) they've been pretty effectively following a list like this to a T with their spouse, romantic partner. However, their significant other is not a psychologically healthy person and/or they have extremely poor self awareness and emotional intelligence, etc. 2.) they've never done any of the things on this list or maybe only a few some of the time. They could be with a completely self aware, emotionally intelligent, healthy person, or they could be with the opposite. It doesn't matter in this case because, your relationship is doomed by the lack of your actions. Whether you are oblivious to the impact a list of traits/actions like the other has provided, or you just don't have the will or capacity to do them anymore because you're either "spiting" your partner or you have nothing left to give, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you look inside yourself to make sure you can give to a relationship in a way that your partner wants to be shown love.... Not in a way that you want to be shown love. Men and women alike are both guilty of these misunderstandings and miscommunications. The point being, you take responsibility for you and in a healthy relationship with long lasting potential, your partner will do the same. Finally, if all guys who read this article from a jaded and cynical perspective, decided to have this type of relationship with a psychologically healthy, self aware, and emotionally intelligent woman, I guarantee you, you would have the happiest of marriages and relationships. Finding her would be tricky, just as it is for women finding men like this, but if you have this expectation, she will come. (Just make sure to nix your previous negative view of woman) And ps. Go into your next relationship making the best effort to maintain the mentality that no matter what the outcome of this potential relationship is, "I will be ok".

    This article is beautiful. If I met a man who was able to bring all of these traits to the relationship, he could have me for forever. There are a lot of commenters (and I'm sure even more readers) who are completely missing the point the author is trying to make. However, I can definitely empathize with these men in the sense that they feel they have been repeatedly burned in romantic relationships. It would be nice to also have a (just as well written) female version of this article.... For both male and female readers who would like to look inside themselves to see how they can better contribute to their romantic relationships.

    There is one common denominator in all of our human relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, parental, professional, or simply in passing, and that common denominator is US/YOU! The one thing in life we all have control over is OURSELVES. Conversely, we do not have control over other people. (This last sentence is very controversial and we all probably carry a flawed view that we have some level of control over certain others, however, I think that is better described as "influence" not control). I digress...

    Anyway, there are two ways I commonly see people go wrong, and in turn, completely ignore the beauty and the meaning behind well written and well intended articles like these. 1.) they've been pretty effectively following a list like this to a T with their spouse, romantic partner. However, their significant other is not a psychologically healthy person and/or they have extremely poor self awareness and emotional intelligence, etc. 2.) they've never done any of the things on this list or maybe only a few some of the time. They could be with a completely self aware, emotionally intelligent, healthy person, or they could be with the opposite. It doesn't matter in this case because, your relationship is doomed by the lack of your actions. Whether you are oblivious to the impact a list of traits/actions like the other has provided, or you just don't have the will or capacity to do them anymore because you're either "spiting" your partner or you have nothing left to give, it doesn't matter.

    What matters is that you look inside yourself to make sure you can give to a relationship in a way that your partner wants to be shown love.... Not in a way that you want to be shown love. Men and women alike are both guilty of these misunderstandings and miscommunications. The point being, you take responsibility for you and in a healthy relationship with long lasting potential, your partner will do the same.

    Finally, if all guys who read this article from a jaded and cynical perspective, decided to have this type of relationship with a psychologically healthy, self aware, and emotionally intelligent woman, I guarantee you, you would have the happiest of marriages and relationships. Finding her would be tricky, just as it is for women finding men like this, but if you have this expectation, she will come. (Just make sure to nix your previous negative view of woman)

    And ps. Go into your next relationship making the best effort to maintain the mentality that no matter what the outcome of this potential relationship is, "I will be ok".

  • SB

    SB

    Great article - you've nailed it! I'm a woman, married for 26 years and I love my husband. That being said I feel like it's one-sided. I think I've done so much for him over the years he now takes me for granted. I totally take care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry and running errands. Every day I make him a lunch for work - sometimes with love notes or jokes to make him smile, I basically wait on him hand & foot and in return I get nothing. He rarely shows me any respect and doesn't help out around the house, I pick up after him all the time. I'm at home most of the time so our home is always clean & comfortable and I always buy the foods/drinks he enjoys. I'm also a really good cook, I rarely nag at him, I give him total control of the TV remote and we don't fight (disagree now & then but never fight). I don't think it's me...I'm not 25 anymore but I do look after myself, watch my weight, nails are manicured, my hair is cut & styled regularly and for being in my 50's I attempt to stay somewhat fashionable. Last year was our 25th wedding anniversary & he arranged for our daughter to buy me a new winter coat, I was heartbroken, HEARTBROKEN (a single red rose would of meant more!). I felt that being married for 25 years was a huge accomplishment and I was so proud and excited to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary together but it turned out to be so disappointing. A year later not much has changed, I'm still hurt and now I'm becoming emotionally withdrawn. I've reached the point where I regularly look for signs or clues that he loves & respects me but honestly, I don't feel like a wife I feel more like a maid. Maybe this article will help. If he reads it hopefully he'll take heed as I don't know what more I can do.

    Great article - you've nailed it! I'm a woman, married for 26 years and I love my husband. That being said I feel like it's one-sided. I think I've done so much for him over the years he now takes me for granted. I totally take care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry and running errands. Every day I make him a lunch for work - sometimes with love notes or jokes to make him smile, I basically wait on him hand & foot and in return I get nothing. He rarely shows me any respect and doesn't help out around the house, I pick up after him all the time. I'm at home most of the time so our home is always clean & comfortable and I always buy the foods/drinks he enjoys. I'm also a really good cook, I rarely nag at him, I give him total control of the TV remote and we don't fight (disagree now & then but never fight). I don't think it's me...I'm not 25 anymore but I do look after myself, watch my weight, nails are manicured, my hair is cut & styled regularly and for being in my 50's I attempt to stay somewhat fashionable. Last year was our 25th wedding anniversary & he arranged for our daughter to buy me a new winter coat, I was heartbroken, HEARTBROKEN (a single red rose would of meant more!). I felt that being married for 25 years was a huge accomplishment and I was so proud and excited to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary together but it turned out to be so disappointing. A year later not much has changed, I'm still hurt and now I'm becoming emotionally withdrawn. I've reached the point where I regularly look for signs or clues that he loves & respects me but honestly, I don't feel like a wife I feel more like a maid. Maybe this article will help. If he reads it hopefully he'll take heed as I don't know what more I can do.

  • JW

    JW Texas

    Advice from another divorced man: Don't get married. It's so simple! Why are you people getting married?! There is literally no reason for a man to get married anymore. To make this a little more relevant I'll lay out a few examples: 1. You're like the author, or the woman's husband who commented above me. You're emotionally distant and work long hours (to pay for the house and the utilities and the food and the cars that the family drives around with no thanks). After 25 years, your wife decides that your emotional distance is because you don't appreciate her - she divorces you, takes your house and car and you end up in an efficiency apartment - barely able to afford a beer at the local pub. 25 years of hard work down the drain. 2. You pay careful attention to your wife. You listen to her needs and make sure she feels appreciated every single day. Maybe you put nice notes in her lunch (like the woman who commented above) and do half (or all of) the housework. You go out of your way to make your partnership as pleasant and mutually rewarding as possible. Eventually (like the woman above's husband) she begins to take your well-meaning attentiveness for granted. Finally, that turns into contempt. She no longer finds attentiveness and kindness attractive in a man. So, she starts sleeping with your cousin, or the mailman, or her coworkers, or her boss. Because those men have something you don't (who knows what that might be). Finally, either you find out and leave the marriage - or she gets sick of putting up with you - who she now sees as a sycophant - and she leaves you. She takes your house and car and you end up living in an efficiency apartment - barely able to afford a beer at the local pub. 25 years of hard work down the drain. 3. A combination of 1 and 2. You manage to live the dream. You manage to be married for most of your life with no divorce. It's like being on cloud nine, isn't it? Your wife won't have sex with you, but that's okay - because she's not having sex with anybody. Or maybe she is - you don't really care because after 30 years of marriage she's more like your sister or your mom and, frankly, you don't find her very appealing anymore. Maybe you have an affair - but she doesn't care because, after 30 years of marriage, you're more like a brother or father to her and, frankly, she no longer finds you very appealing. She constantly talks about you like you're not there and says openly contemptful things about you to other people. You both kind of hate each other but it's a comfortable hatred. She doesn't want to leave because she's way past her prime and doesn't have any prospects - and, you don't want to leave because she would take all of your stuff. So, you stay there. For the rest of your life. Eventually you die. You leave behind your house and your car and they bury your corpse. Afterward, she tells everybody what a great guy you were. 4. You win the impossible lottery and become one of the 0.000000001% of people everywhere who actually finds someone (in the sea of people) who is happy with you and who you are happy with. 5. You never get married. You may land any one of the 4 examples above. But, in the end, you don't lose your house and car and you can still buy a round for all of your friends at the local pub! You can thank me later. ;) DON'T GET MARRIED!!!!

    Advice from another divorced man:

    Don't get married. It's so simple! Why are you people getting married?! There is literally no reason for a man to get married anymore.

    To make this a little more relevant I'll lay out a few examples:

    1. You're like the author, or the woman's husband who commented above me. You're emotionally distant and work long hours (to pay for the house and the utilities and the food and the cars that the family drives around with no thanks). After 25 years, your wife decides that your emotional distance is because you don't appreciate her - she divorces you, takes your house and car and you end up in an efficiency apartment - barely able to afford a beer at the local pub. 25 years of hard work down the drain.

    2. You pay careful attention to your wife. You listen to her needs and make sure she feels appreciated every single day. Maybe you put nice notes in her lunch (like the woman who commented above) and do half (or all of) the housework. You go out of your way to make your partnership as pleasant and mutually rewarding as possible. Eventually (like the woman above's husband) she begins to take your well-meaning attentiveness for granted. Finally, that turns into contempt. She no longer finds attentiveness and kindness attractive in a man. So, she starts sleeping with your cousin, or the mailman, or her coworkers, or her boss. Because those men have something you don't (who knows what that might be). Finally, either you find out and leave the marriage - or she gets sick of putting up with you - who she now sees as a sycophant - and she leaves you. She takes your house and car and you end up living in an efficiency apartment - barely able to afford a beer at the local pub. 25 years of hard work down the drain.

    3. A combination of 1 and 2. You manage to live the dream. You manage to be married for most of your life with no divorce. It's like being on cloud nine, isn't it? Your wife won't have sex with you, but that's okay - because she's not having sex with anybody. Or maybe she is - you don't really care because after 30 years of marriage she's more like your sister or your mom and, frankly, you don't find her very appealing anymore. Maybe you have an affair - but she doesn't care because, after 30 years of marriage, you're more like a brother or father to her and, frankly, she no longer finds you very appealing. She constantly talks about you like you're not there and says openly contemptful things about you to other people. You both kind of hate each other but it's a comfortable hatred. She doesn't want to leave because she's way past her prime and doesn't have any prospects - and, you don't want to leave because she would take all of your stuff. So, you stay there. For the rest of your life. Eventually you die. You leave behind your house and your car and they bury your corpse. Afterward, she tells everybody what a great guy you were.

    4. You win the impossible lottery and become one of the 0.000000001% of people everywhere who actually finds someone (in the sea of people) who is happy with you and who you are happy with.

    5. You never get married. You may land any one of the 4 examples above. But, in the end, you don't lose your house and car and you can still buy a round for all of your friends at the local pub! You can thank me later. wink

    DON'T GET MARRIED!!!!

  • Marie

    Marie Quebec

    JUST KEEP DOING YOUR BEST. He left 5 years ago after 19 years together and 3 children. Absolutely excruciating experience. How am I doing today? Well, overtime, I stopped blaming myself and him too. I came to accept that I did my best as his wife. Then it occurred to me that PERHAPS, just perhaps, he did his best as my husband too. I remember that once, in our early years of marriage, we made a list of all the things we did for the other. We wanted to prove the other that we were doing A LOT; a lot more than the other. Needless to say, it ended up in an heated argument! Today, I laugh when I think about it - how silly! I know we both did all we could, the best we could. Even though it looks like we failed our marriage, I'm sure glad we tried and gave it our best shot. I'm (finally) glad he was in my life, in spite of the pain. I'm grateful for the good times we had together and still have sometimes. I have no regrets anymore (but I sure hope he does, lol! ;) God bless you all. And yes, stop keeping scores - as some have pointed out - and try counting the blessings for a change.

    JUST KEEP DOING YOUR BEST. He left 5 years ago after 19 years together and 3 children. Absolutely excruciating experience. How am I doing today? Well, overtime, I stopped blaming myself and him too. I came to accept that I did my best as his wife. Then it occurred to me that PERHAPS, just perhaps, he did his best as my husband too. I remember that once, in our early years of marriage, we made a list of all the things we did for the other. We wanted to prove the other that we were doing A LOT; a lot more than the other. Needless to say, it ended up in an heated argument! Today, I laugh when I think about it - how silly! I know we both did all we could, the best we could. Even though it looks like we failed our marriage, I'm sure glad we tried and gave it our best shot. I'm (finally) glad he was in my life, in spite of the pain. I'm grateful for the good times we had together and still have sometimes. I have no regrets anymore (but I sure hope he does, lol! wink God bless you all. And yes, stop keeping scores - as some have pointed out - and try counting the blessings for a change.

  • RON

    RON Los Angeles

    James thank you for the blog and sharing your experience with the world!!!! As a widowed man that endured 20 years of marriage I wish there was a literal Institution of Marriage that engaged couples could attend to learn more about each other and the real meaning of marriage & commitment. Many wed for many times for reasons that have nothing to do with unconditional love. Beauty, Wealth, Power, Sex ALL fade over time then we find ourselves wanting to turn the clock back...lol But truth be told marriage takes faith, commitment, hard work, selflessness, endurance, patience and unconditional love to weather the real word we all live in. I love what you said about its not about being Perfect, it took me years to learn that! I thank God for the life lessons I learned they helped make me a much better person and that's what marriage is all about making us better.

    James thank you for the blog and sharing your experience with the world!!!!
    As a widowed man that endured 20 years of marriage I wish there was a literal Institution of Marriage that engaged couples
    could attend to learn more about each other and the real meaning of marriage & commitment. Many wed for many times for reasons that have nothing to do with unconditional love. Beauty, Wealth, Power, Sex ALL fade over time then we find ourselves wanting to turn the clock back...lol But truth be told marriage takes faith, commitment, hard work, selflessness, endurance, patience and unconditional love to weather the real word we all live in. I love what you said about its not about being Perfect, it took me years to learn that!
    I thank God for the life lessons I learned they helped make me a much better person and that's what marriage is all about making us
    better.

  • KNP

    KNP India

    I lost the gem after seven years in relationship. I wonder every time I think about it, could it have been any different? What controls I had on everything that happened? Well the answer is, husband has no choice but to accept whatever comes in their way. I did my best given my emotional constraints to sustain but didn't work. I did committed some mistakes that I don't try to excuse. I suffer the same intensive pain as was during the process of separation, perhaps more deeper. I am not an ideal husband, but neither is she an ideal wife. If so, there was no reason to separate. My suggestion is don't let the wife to become purpose of your existence. You have a definitive and profound purpose than that. The cost of this learning is a life for me. I wish no one should go through a painful experience like divorce.

    I lost the gem after seven years in relationship. I wonder every time I think about it, could it have been any different? What controls I had on everything that happened? Well the answer is, husband has no choice but to accept whatever comes in their way. I did my best given my emotional constraints to sustain but didn't work. I did committed some mistakes that I don't try to excuse. I suffer the same intensive pain as was during the process of separation, perhaps more deeper. I am not an ideal husband, but neither is she an ideal wife. If so, there was no reason to separate.

    My suggestion is don't let the wife to become purpose of your existence. You have a definitive and profound purpose than that. The cost of this learning is a life for me. I wish no one should go through a painful experience like divorce.

  • Breathing Again

    Breathing Again Northwest

    I'll have to echo some of the less positive views of this article; the total effect of all of those points is self-annihilation, and that doesn't make for a healthy, honest relationship. I fit the general profile suggested by the article (if not completely slavishly), and taking that into a relationship with a selfish and pathological insecure woman nearly destroyed me. She interpreted all of this self-sacrifice as weakness, blood in the water. I kept grinding myself down, trying to find one more thing to give that might fix things and make her happy. When I reached the point of emotional insolvency, I left my marriage, something I never thought I would (or could) do. I've lost much of the potential my life once held, and I am reduced to finding peace in the years I have left. I will finish raising my children (when I get to see them), and I will keep working on finding joy in small things. I'm not sure I'll ever seek another relationship, but if I do, I will certainly not approach it with such asymmetrical ideas as are advanced in this article. These ideas are all good, provided they are discussed explicitly between a man and a woman, and both parties agree to ways that they can be realized in a relationship.

    I'll have to echo some of the less positive views of this article; the total effect of all of those points is self-annihilation, and that doesn't make for a healthy, honest relationship. I fit the general profile suggested by the article (if not completely slavishly), and taking that into a relationship with a selfish and pathological insecure woman nearly destroyed me. She interpreted all of this self-sacrifice as weakness, blood in the water. I kept grinding myself down, trying to find one more thing to give that might fix things and make her happy. When I reached the point of emotional insolvency, I left my marriage, something I never thought I would (or could) do. I've lost much of the potential my life once held, and I am reduced to finding peace in the years I have left. I will finish raising my children (when I get to see them), and I will keep working on finding joy in small things. I'm not sure I'll ever seek another relationship, but if I do, I will certainly not approach it with such asymmetrical ideas as are advanced in this article. These ideas are all good, provided they are discussed explicitly between a man and a woman, and both parties agree to ways that they can be realized in a relationship.

  • maryapple

    maryapple

    Great article!

    Great article!

  • arnold ziffel

    arnold ziffel

    I think this list is also one-sided. I can think of many things I did that helped cause the end of my marriage. By the same token, it took two. You can speak about accepting her as she is, but I reached a point where I wasn't able to accept her as she was. The overload point came - there was way more work for us to do. We had to figure out how to get financially stable after I, for the most part, lost 75% of my income during the recession. I'm a consultant, and took on extra work to get the credit cards and home equity line down from $110,000. Then our daughter died in an accident - excruciatingly painful - far more than any of you can imagine if you haven't been through it. And then, out of the book of Job, a flood hit us 4 weeks later. At the same time, our two surviving kids were hitting college age, and I couldn't pay for it. All this meant more work at paying work. Work recovering from the flood. Painful work putting together a funeral and taking care of our late daughter's affairs. Work helping our kids figure out a way to go to college at an affordable rate (I developed a system through perhaps 500 hours of research that enabled our daughter to go to a top 15 college for $12,000/year instead of $$60,000 per year - less than the state school). My wife refused to help with any of this (she did explode at me constantly as I prepared the funeral, and made negative remarks every time I discussed a problem that needed solving/work, be it flood repairs, college research, or Obamacare). I was working 7 days a week at times to keep up. She didn't give me help, nor what I wanted the most: a little recognition of the pain I felt regarding our daughter. She never cried about her daughter's losss, and never gave me a bit of solace. I was forced to grieve alone, while never getting a break from a work overload. She left me, and I feel many regrets. I could have been more understanding - she was in pain. I was in tremendous pain, too. I pressed her to change. It didn't work. I resented the extra workload, and the feeling of being completely neglected emotionally. She resented my attempts at getting her to become what she was before. These things take two people. However, accepting your wife is as is - completely - is a recipe for agony, and that's where I disagree with the author. There are times when you can decide that you're simply not going to live like this any more. I'm not happy to be divorcing, but I also was very unhappy to be around my wife after my daughter died. She made a horrid situation worse, and not hearing her negativity is a load off of me, even if my workload is even higher now that she's gone (I have the kids - she's living 200 miles away, and isn't working or contributing to the family in any way, financially or emotionally - she hasn't seen our kids since she left 6 months ago, and has yet to call them).

    I think this list is also one-sided.

    I can think of many things I did that helped cause the end of my marriage.

    By the same token, it took two.

    You can speak about accepting her as she is, but I reached a point where I wasn't able to accept her as she was.

    The overload point came - there was way more work for us to do. We had to figure out how to get financially stable after I, for the most part, lost 75% of my income during the recession. I'm a consultant, and took on extra work to get the credit cards and home equity line down from $110,000.

    Then our daughter died in an accident - excruciatingly painful - far more than any of you can imagine if you haven't been through it. And then, out of the book of Job, a flood hit us 4 weeks later.

    At the same time, our two surviving kids were hitting college age, and I couldn't pay for it.

    All this meant more work at paying work. Work recovering from the flood. Painful work putting together a funeral and taking care of our late daughter's affairs. Work helping our kids figure out a way to go to college at an affordable rate (I developed a system through perhaps 500 hours of research that enabled our daughter to go to a top 15 college for $12,000/year instead of $$60,000 per year - less than the state school).

    My wife refused to help with any of this (she did explode at me constantly as I prepared the funeral, and made negative remarks every time I discussed a problem that needed solving/work, be it flood repairs, college research, or Obamacare). I was working 7 days a week at times to keep up.

    She didn't give me help, nor what I wanted the most: a little recognition of the pain I felt regarding our daughter. She never cried about her daughter's losss, and never gave me a bit of solace. I was forced to grieve alone, while never getting a break from a work overload.

    She left me, and I feel many regrets. I could have been more understanding - she was in pain.

    I was in tremendous pain, too.

    I pressed her to change. It didn't work. I resented the extra workload, and the feeling of being completely neglected emotionally. She resented my attempts at getting her to become what she was before.

    These things take two people. However, accepting your wife is as is - completely - is a recipe for agony, and that's where I disagree with the author. There are times when you can decide that you're simply not going to live like this any more. I'm not happy to be divorcing, but I also was very unhappy to be around my wife after my daughter died. She made a horrid situation worse, and not hearing her negativity is a load off of me, even if my workload is even higher now that she's gone (I have the kids - she's living 200 miles away, and isn't working or contributing to the family in any way, financially or emotionally - she hasn't seen our kids since she left 6 months ago, and has yet to call them).

  • Khawla

    Khawla Dubai

    Hello, I am an IB diploma student and I am here to give you some tips for having a successful marriage. I am doing this because we are currently studying about social relationships and partners for life. Here are some tips for a successful marriage: • Acceptance is the key to a successful marriage. I think that when you accept your husband or wife the way they are, marriage will be much easier because everyone makes mistakes and everyone have some flaws and if you loved and accepted your partner you’ll forgive them easily. • I found this quote and I think this is really helpful for building up a successful marriage, “Learn how to agree to disagree. No two people agree on everything, and that's okay, but it's important to be okay with each other's differences. - Lee Bowers, LP, PhD”. This quote justifies that it is fine to have different opinions because you and your partner are different and when you’re different you live with your differences peacefully. • Honesty is also important because without honesty they could not trust each other and this will lead to a divorce.

    Hello, I am an IB diploma student and I am here to give you some tips for having a successful marriage. I am doing this because we are currently studying about social relationships and partners for life. Here are some tips for a successful marriage:

    • Acceptance is the key to a successful marriage. I think that when you accept your husband or wife the way they are, marriage will be much easier because everyone makes mistakes and everyone have some flaws and if you loved and accepted your partner you’ll forgive them easily.
    • I found this quote and I think this is really helpful for building up a successful marriage, “Learn how to agree to disagree. No two people agree on everything, and that's okay, but it's important to be okay with each other's differences. - Lee Bowers, LP, PhD”. This quote justifies that it is fine to have different opinions because you and your partner are different and when you’re different you live with your differences peacefully.
    • Honesty is also important because without honesty they could not trust each other and this will lead to a divorce.

  • cheryle

    cheryle NH

    Your article brought tears to my eyes. Been married 24 yrs and my husband decided he's done. I would be thrilled to have a querter of what your article says. I also wish he would read it but that will never happen. I don't knows how to heal my heart. I guess im just sorry what I offered him wasn't enough. I will always love him and I wish him happiness. Thanks for letting me comment.

    Your article brought tears to my eyes. Been married 24 yrs and my husband decided he's done. I would be thrilled to have a querter of what your article says. I also wish he would read it but that will never happen. I don't knows how to heal my heart. I guess im just sorry what I offered him wasn't enough. I will always love him and I wish him happiness. Thanks for letting me comment.

  • Matt

    Matt Illinois

    My wife filed on Monday, she will not speak to me and said that she just felt like it was a loveless marriage. She spent 70% of her time with her mom and sister drinking at their home. I accepted the fact that she would never change because thats how she grew up. But being divorced once before I couldn't see myself getting divorced for a 2nd time at 38 yrs old. I do care about her and had a wonderful step daughter. My only disagreement is that yes I may not of showed her the proper love she wanted at times but it's hard to do that when you are a lower priority then drinking beer. It's hard and devastating and I don't like it at all but it was like this when I married her and it will probably be that way forever. I feel like a failure since it happened twice to me but what do you do. So you can show your spouse love and affection always but if you and your family don't come first you can put out the efforts and try but sometimes you just cant be good enough.

    My wife filed on Monday, she will not speak to me and said that she just felt like it was a loveless marriage. She spent 70% of her time with her mom and sister drinking at their home. I accepted the fact that she would never change because thats how she grew up. But being divorced once before I couldn't see myself getting divorced for a 2nd time at 38 yrs old. I do care about her and had a wonderful step daughter. My only disagreement is that yes I may not of showed her the proper love she wanted at times but it's hard to do that when you are a lower priority then drinking beer. It's hard and devastating and I don't like it at all but it was like this when I married her and it will probably be that way forever. I feel like a failure since it happened twice to me but what do you do. So you can show your spouse love and affection always but if you and your family don't come first you can put out the efforts and try but sometimes you just cant be good enough.

  • YL

    YL IL

    This article is nothing more than a master piece of feminist misandry written by well-trained "Yes Man" who is also filled with self-hate and zero integrity and dignity as man. A successful marriage is indeed based on selflessness, interconnectedness and interdependence. Yet, ignoring the elements of interconnectedness and interdependence, the author of this man hating work, perverts in a most disgusting way, as we will see immediately, the principles of selflessness. Doing this, he's not only raises women to the pedestal of self-proclaimed princesses who are entitled to only get and get more without giving noting in return but he also violates the equation of love and compassion resulting from the principles stated above as to include the woman in that equation and excluding men from it. Yes, this is the well-known and notorious feminist theory that men are bad, evil and stupid by their nature, while all women are pure, good and blameless. Nothing of course is far away the truth than this hateful lie and feminist incitement. What I'll do next, I'll answer and refute those claims and terrible advises one by one, with the aim of helping our young men and older brothers to avoid their agony and misery if the will do follow those horrific tips. Well, I am also not a counselor, yet I am still married, thus being in a better position of the author to write and to comment on functional relationships and how marriages should be successfully lived. Me, as standing opposed to the author, have a functioning marriage and not fucked up family life, putting me in a position to give some advice for other people who wish to know how to undergo the same path with more chances of not ruining their life. This response is aimed not only at giving advice to those who seek out marriage but also to those who're struggling already in it so that they can do it more properly. So, here is my humble advice that I learned in a twenty year of functioning marriage and a few more years of three committed relationship to my girlfriends prior to my marriage. I will not answer this in the same order as in the original post but will follow an internal logic to understand my points better. Fall in love over and over – never stop courting – never take that woman for granted Falling in love over and over again is falling time and again in love with delusion; falling in love with delusion will only distance and drift you from the true love you're seeking apart. You only fall in love one time and then begin to nurture and build the next higher stage of love that is a true, deep and genuine love earned not by delusions, thrills and phantasies but trough working as a team and surviving together the difficulties in marriage as well as the hardships of life (while helping reciprocally and supporting each other). Anyway, metaphorically compared to a camp fire, falling in love is like the first strong fire that ignites immediately, but at the same intensity and speed is going to distinguish in very short time unless we cultivate and nurture it by adding more wood, rekindling a stronger fire and taking care of it until the solid burning coals are created and we can enjoy the steadfast warm and hot fire over a long period of time. It is only now that the fire is not going to extinguishes and that we continue to maintain through adding more wood from time to time to keep it burning. Real Life, true relationships and genuine deep love, are from the nature of the steadfast warm fire of coals and it is earned by work over time, not the short term deceiving and fleeting thrills of phantasies and delusions. It is when we stop deceiving ourselves by our instant mind suggesting us short term satisfaction and begin to understand that in the long run running after never ending thrills will never make us happy but only more bitter and frustrated, while it's the long term commitment and investment that will at the end let us enjoy the fruits of our work and ever-lasting marital bliss and happiness. Yet, as opposed to the man hating notion in the article, it is the vast majority of women who lack the required commitment – not men! Those are the women today who rush into the marriage but being brainwashed by feminist incitement who are eager to give everything up and live the marriage. How much? Well it is around 70 percent of divorces that are initiated by women; it's only percent that are initiated by men. It's not men who lack commitment but women who lack it. Well, she doesn't have to stay, but should have the wisdom, the responsibility and integrity to do if she chooses you. In fact, if she is decent woman she will stay and work with you together. Either way, once the commitment on both sides is here, the way to build a functioning relationship, a true love while avoiding being granted is to create a so called emotional bank which both partner deposit each day small acts of love, generosity, kindness and many more on daily basis. Some of those acts may overlap with what we call and label as falling and love or courting if considering its appearance, while in essence it's not only a small part of what we deposit but also different in meaning. Yet, there is a small problem and a caution we should take: either those are both the partner that deposit their acts of love, compassion, forgiveness and generosity or it is one that is doing so, taking more than what was deposited creates only deficit, insufficiency and shortage. Hence, the maintenance, the deposition and withdrawal, is mutual responsibility and can never be demanded from one partner. You want your man to court you, respond with the same coin – even better initiate it yourself; you don't want to be taken for grant, so reciprocate your man in the same way and stop objectifying your husband as an ATM and/or a sperm bank; you want to be honored, respect him; you want to be acknowledged, give him attention. Do you remember when he was courting and dating you? Can you remember what you have done in those days to keep him and not letting any other woman put her hands on him? Well imagine this right now and do the same. Believe me, I am a man, when you will do this, he'll not only return you the favor but he will reciprocate it twice and three time more. The responsibility of working in the marriage in this way, is not only the responsibility of both partner, not only that both of them should do this without asking something in return but it can neither function in another way nor it will function when not done in this exact way. There is nothing epic or heroic in putting the man out of the equation, demanding only him to contribute to the relationship and put all the blame on him when it falls apart; it's simply ignorance, evil, hypocrisy, self-hate or misandry (depends on the gender that is spreading it).

    This article is nothing more than a master piece of feminist misandry written by well-trained "Yes Man" who is also filled with self-hate and zero integrity and dignity as man. A successful marriage is indeed based on selflessness, interconnectedness and interdependence. Yet, ignoring the elements of interconnectedness and interdependence, the author of this man hating work, perverts in a most disgusting way, as we will see immediately, the principles of selflessness. Doing this, he's not only raises women to the pedestal of self-proclaimed princesses who are entitled to only get and get more without giving noting in return but he also violates the equation of love and compassion resulting from the principles stated above as to include the woman in that equation and excluding men from it. Yes, this is the well-known and notorious feminist theory that men are bad, evil and stupid by their nature, while all women are pure, good and blameless. Nothing of course is far away the truth than this hateful lie and feminist incitement.

    What I'll do next, I'll answer and refute those claims and terrible advises one by one, with the aim of helping our young men and older brothers to avoid their agony and misery if the will do follow those horrific tips. Well, I am also not a counselor, yet I am still married, thus being in a better position of the author to write and to comment on functional relationships and how marriages should be successfully lived. Me, as standing opposed to the author, have a functioning marriage and not fucked up family life, putting me in a position to give some advice for other people who wish to know how to undergo the same path with more chances of not ruining their life. This response is aimed not only at giving advice to those who seek out marriage but also to those who're struggling already in it so that they can do it more properly. So, here is my humble advice that I learned in a twenty year of functioning marriage and a few more years of three committed relationship to my girlfriends prior to my marriage. I will not answer this in the same order as in the original post but will follow an internal logic to understand my points better.

    Fall in love over and over – never stop courting – never take that woman for granted
    Falling in love over and over again is falling time and again in love with delusion; falling in love with delusion will only distance and drift you from the true love you're seeking apart. You only fall in love one time and then begin to nurture and build the next higher stage of love that is a true, deep and genuine love earned not by delusions, thrills and phantasies but trough working as a team and surviving together the difficulties in marriage as well as the hardships of life (while helping reciprocally and supporting each other). Anyway, metaphorically compared to a camp fire, falling in love is like the first strong fire that ignites immediately, but at the same intensity and speed is going to distinguish in very short time unless we cultivate and nurture it by adding more wood, rekindling a stronger fire and taking care of it until the solid burning coals are created and we can enjoy the steadfast warm and hot fire over a long period of time. It is only now that the fire is not going to extinguishes and that we continue to maintain through adding more wood from time to time to keep it burning.

    Real Life, true relationships and genuine deep love, are from the nature of the steadfast warm fire of coals and it is earned by work over time, not the short term deceiving and fleeting thrills of phantasies and delusions. It is when we stop deceiving ourselves by our instant mind suggesting us short term satisfaction and begin to understand that in the long run running after never ending thrills will never make us happy but only more bitter and frustrated, while it's the long term commitment and investment that will at the end let us enjoy the fruits of our work and ever-lasting marital bliss and happiness. Yet, as opposed to the man hating notion in the article, it is the vast majority of women who lack the required commitment – not men! Those are the women today who rush into the marriage but being brainwashed by feminist incitement who are eager to give everything up and live the marriage. How much? Well it is around 70 percent of divorces that are initiated by women; it's only percent that are initiated by men. It's not men who lack commitment but women who lack it. Well, she doesn't have to stay, but should have the wisdom, the responsibility and integrity to do if she chooses you. In fact, if she is decent woman she will stay and work with you together.

    Either way, once the commitment on both sides is here, the way to build a functioning relationship, a true love while avoiding being granted is to create a so called emotional bank which both partner deposit each day small acts of love, generosity, kindness and many more on daily basis. Some of those acts may overlap with what we call and label as falling and love or courting if considering its appearance, while in essence it's not only a small part of what we deposit but also different in meaning. Yet, there is a small problem and a caution we should take: either those are both the partner that deposit their acts of love, compassion, forgiveness and generosity or it is one that is doing so, taking more than what was deposited creates only deficit, insufficiency and shortage. Hence, the maintenance, the deposition and withdrawal, is mutual responsibility and can never be demanded from one partner.

    You want your man to court you, respond with the same coin – even better initiate it yourself; you don't want to be taken for grant, so reciprocate your man in the same way and stop objectifying your husband as an ATM and/or a sperm bank; you want to be honored, respect him; you want to be acknowledged, give him attention. Do you remember when he was courting and dating you? Can you remember what you have done in those days to keep him and not letting any other woman put her hands on him? Well imagine this right now and do the same. Believe me, I am a man, when you will do this, he'll not only return you the favor but he will reciprocate it twice and three time more. The responsibility of working in the marriage in this way, is not only the responsibility of both partner, not only that both of them should do this without asking something in return but it can neither function in another way nor it will function when not done in this exact way. There is nothing epic or heroic in putting the man out of the equation, demanding only him to contribute to the relationship and put all the blame on him when it falls apart; it's simply ignorance, evil, hypocrisy, self-hate or misandry (depends on the gender that is spreading it).

  • YL

    YL IL

    Never blame your wife if you get frustrated – she was best suited to trigger your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them Translation: especially don't forget this when she abuses you – mentally, emotionally, financially and even physically. When she mistreats you like a piece of shit or exploits you, know your place and act accordingly. This abuse is all for your benefit, only that as all men you're simply stupid to realize it. You simply don't understand that the abuse is here to help you. Interesting if the argument would still be valid when said by a husband to his wife and what the feminists would say about this? Truth and suggestion: Wow, this is real cruelty and evil. While it is true that we should never blame anyone, neither our spouses nor anyone else, we should indeed talk and give feedback when our needs are not met or when we are abused and mistreated. It does not matter if this is a wife or husband, once you as a man are abused stop giving the other cheek and let them turn you from the victim into perpetrator. While you should never criticize or blame you should also stop collaborating with your role as you're wife doormat and let her understand her actions and their resulting consequences. First, you should talk to her. If that doesn't help, suggest counseling. If that doesn't help either or she's simply not willing to attend counseling, let her understand that you will not take her abuse forever. If also this doesn't help, so dump her ass and never look back again. Yet dumping her ass does not have to be motivated by ill will or hate. You can leave her and be motivated by lots of love and compassion. Yes, sometimes, both love and compassion do not have to be soft and cozy. Sometimes they have to be as sharp as sword to be effective. This is the kind of love and compassion you practice when she does not want to take responsibility and to behave as a grown up woman instead of a giant toddler. As standing opposed to the author's self-hate and misandry, you should hold yourself in the equation of love and compassion and not letting the others to abuse you for no reason – yes, even if it's your own wife. Being sharp as sword doesn't mean to be violent – neither physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise – don't lower your standards to hers. It's simply about letting her deal with her own shit, fucked up and messed up life and the consequences of her own actions. To do so you don't need to criticize or blame her, just simply act and respond wisely. And no, her task is not to trigger your childhood wounds and make you suffering as it is not your task to endure abuse, playing the self-martyr or to trigger her childhood wounds and make her suffering. Life itself, all of its conditions, circumstances and relationships, even that with your wife will inevitably trigger your wife's and yours own childhood wound. Yet, it is neither your wife's nor your job to trigger the wounds but rather help yourself reciprocally to heal – not to add more pain and more suffering than you have both already been inflicted. It is both of your tasks to help each other heal, to help each other grow and not to inflict suffering one upon the other. If it's not in your wife's or yours capacity to help each other, so at least do Good, avoid the wrong and don’t hurt each other. Remember always, that your wife is not your teacher; neither she's your guide or even God. Exactly as you, she is your fellow traveller on the path but not your judge and persecutor.

    Never blame your wife if you get frustrated – she was best suited to trigger your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them
    Translation: especially don't forget this when she abuses you – mentally, emotionally, financially and even physically. When she mistreats you like a piece of shit or exploits you, know your place and act accordingly. This abuse is all for your benefit, only that as all men you're simply stupid to realize it. You simply don't understand that the abuse is here to help you. Interesting if the argument would still be valid when said by a husband to his wife and what the feminists would say about this?

    Truth and suggestion: Wow, this is real cruelty and evil. While it is true that we should never blame anyone, neither our spouses nor anyone else, we should indeed talk and give feedback when our needs are not met or when we are abused and mistreated. It does not matter if this is a wife or husband, once you as a man are abused stop giving the other cheek and let them turn you from the victim into perpetrator. While you should never criticize or blame you should also stop collaborating with your role as you're wife doormat and let her understand her actions and their resulting consequences. First, you should talk to her. If that doesn't help, suggest counseling. If that doesn't help either or she's simply not willing to attend counseling, let her understand that you will not take her abuse forever. If also this doesn't help, so dump her ass and never look back again.

    Yet dumping her ass does not have to be motivated by ill will or hate. You can leave her and be motivated by lots of love and compassion. Yes, sometimes, both love and compassion do not have to be soft and cozy. Sometimes they have to be as sharp as sword to be effective. This is the kind of love and compassion you practice when she does not want to take responsibility and to behave as a grown up woman instead of a giant toddler. As standing opposed to the author's self-hate and misandry, you should hold yourself in the equation of love and compassion and not letting the others to abuse you for no reason – yes, even if it's your own wife. Being sharp as sword doesn't mean to be violent – neither physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise – don't lower your standards to hers. It's simply about letting her deal with her own shit, fucked up and messed up life and the consequences of her own actions. To do so you don't need to criticize or blame her, just simply act and respond wisely.

    And no, her task is not to trigger your childhood wounds and make you suffering as it is not your task to endure abuse, playing the self-martyr or to trigger her childhood wounds and make her suffering. Life itself, all of its conditions, circumstances and relationships, even that with your wife will inevitably trigger your wife's and yours own childhood wound. Yet, it is neither your wife's nor your job to trigger the wounds but rather help yourself reciprocally to heal – not to add more pain and more suffering than you have both already been inflicted. It is both of your tasks to help each other heal, to help each other grow and not to inflict suffering one upon the other. If it's not in your wife's or yours capacity to help each other, so at least do Good, avoid the wrong and don’t hurt each other. Remember always, that your wife is not your teacher; neither she's your guide or even God. Exactly as you, she is your fellow traveller on the path but not your judge and persecutor.

  • YL

    YL IL

    Forgive immediately Translation: no matter what she does, whether she mistreats you, abuses or cheats on you, please don't be such an asshole, please immediately forgive her, she's so suffering! Truth and suggestion: well forgiveness and letting go are indeed the very heart of any healthy condition of functioning relationship. It is not an apex that culminates itself as one strong and powerful event, but is an ongoing process of daily small acts of forgiveness that at the end culminate in an unconditional forgiveness when it is required. Besides of this, forgiveness without wisdom and insight is prison; forgiveness that is accompanied by and insight and wisdom sets us indeed free and liberates us from the bondages of the past. Not forgiving is still being hostage of our past, but forgiving without understanding what and how to forgive sets and build our future chains and prison. This is not forgiveness, but suppression and self-denial. That being said, some types of forgiveness require time and not only can’t be forgiven immediately but unless we have healed from our wounds and gained wisdom from our pain could not be forgiven. Forgiveness is not something one can force. It is not a derivative of will but a property of our heart. In some cases, forgiveness should not be only considered under the light of our process that we undergo, but unless the offender bears witness of the suffering he has caused it is not wise to forgive him hence he has learned nothing to be awarded with a second chance after being forgiven Take for example, the case of infidelity which I use here because it's the ultimate betrayal that is most difficult to forgive in any relationship and marriage. While it is wise to forgive immediately when your wife burned a dish when cooking, it is not very wise to pretend that nothing has happened when your wife has cheated and immediate forgive her immediately. However, it is even more complicated because while you should forgive her anyway one day for your own sake and happiness, in my opinion cheating is a deal breaker and she should not be granted a second chance even if you forgive her. What people do not understand and mix constantly is the differences between forgiveness, reconciliation and a second chance. Forgiving someone, does not mean you have to reconcile with that person and be with him together. It does not mean either that you have to give him a second chance. The question or the decision if you do or don’t do this depends on holding you in the equation of love and compassion, If you forgive but keeping that person, in our case the wife, in our live is not safe then forgive but don’t give a second chance. You should forgive, but not necessarily reconcile with her and give her another chance (the same is for the wife of course). The question of giving a second chance and full reconciliation is not an easy one, is not automatic and should be considered from many angles under the light of the equation of love and compassion that includes both sides. Especially it should be treated with wisdom, with mindfulness and situational awareness where we can be sure that the partner is honest, learned from the mistakes, has corrected his ways, has done everything to win the trust again, has done a deep internal searching and put boundaries for him to prevent him acting in the same way again. This is not an easy task, it is a very personal question and the idea of immediate forgiveness in such case is infantile stupidity. More than showing emotional, mental and spiritual maturity, the authors ignorance in claiming that we should by definition and all the time immediately forgive, is pointing to something different. We don't have all facts and details about why his marriage has failed (I am sure it was not only his fault because there is never such reality), but it may point to lack of self-esteem, lack of confidences, to various degree of varying fears, suppression, denial, self-hate, one of them or the combination of them or something similar. Degrading oneself to that point doesn't show of great wisdom, insight and maturity.

    Forgive immediately
    Translation: no matter what she does, whether she mistreats you, abuses or cheats on you, please don't be such an asshole, please immediately forgive her, she's so suffering!

    Truth and suggestion: well forgiveness and letting go are indeed the very heart of any healthy condition of functioning relationship. It is not an apex that culminates itself as one strong and powerful event, but is an ongoing process of daily small acts of forgiveness that at the end culminate in an unconditional forgiveness when it is required. Besides of this, forgiveness without wisdom and insight is prison; forgiveness that is accompanied by and insight and wisdom sets us indeed free and liberates us from the bondages of the past. Not forgiving is still being hostage of our past, but forgiving without understanding what and how to forgive sets and build our future chains and prison. This is not forgiveness, but suppression and self-denial. That being said, some types of forgiveness require time and not only can’t be forgiven immediately but unless we have healed from our wounds and gained wisdom from our pain could not be forgiven. Forgiveness is not something one can force. It is not a derivative of will but a property of our heart. In some cases, forgiveness should not be only considered under the light of our process that we undergo, but unless the offender bears witness of the suffering he has caused it is not wise to forgive him hence he has learned nothing to be awarded with a second chance after being forgiven

    Take for example, the case of infidelity which I use here because it's the ultimate betrayal that is most difficult to forgive in any relationship and marriage. While it is wise to forgive immediately when your wife burned a dish when cooking, it is not very wise to pretend that nothing has happened when your wife has cheated and immediate forgive her immediately. However, it is even more complicated because while you should forgive her anyway one day for your own sake and happiness, in my opinion cheating is a deal breaker and she should not be granted a second chance even if you forgive her. What people do not understand and mix constantly is the differences between forgiveness, reconciliation and a second chance. Forgiving someone, does not mean you have to reconcile with that person and be with him together. It does not mean either that you have to give him a second chance. The question or the decision if you do or don’t do this depends on holding you in the equation of love and compassion, If you forgive but keeping that person, in our case the wife, in our live is not safe then forgive but don’t give a second chance. You should forgive, but not necessarily reconcile with her and give her another chance (the same is for the wife of course).

    The question of giving a second chance and full reconciliation is not an easy one, is not automatic and should be considered from many angles under the light of the equation of love and compassion that includes both sides. Especially it should be treated with wisdom, with mindfulness and situational awareness where we can be sure that the partner is honest, learned from the mistakes, has corrected his ways, has done everything to win the trust again, has done a deep internal searching and put boundaries for him to prevent him acting in the same way again. This is not an easy task, it is a very personal question and the idea of immediate forgiveness in such case is infantile stupidity. More than showing emotional, mental and spiritual maturity, the authors ignorance in claiming that we should by definition and all the time immediately forgive, is pointing to something different. We don't have all facts and details about why his marriage has failed (I am sure it was not only his fault because there is never such reality), but it may point to lack of self-esteem, lack of confidences, to various degree of varying fears, suppression, denial, self-hate, one of them or the combination of them or something similar. Degrading oneself to that point doesn't show of great wisdom, insight and maturity.

  • YL

    YL IL

    Be willing to take her sexually Men by nature are expressing the physical aspect of the body and mind connection more than women do – it means it is more evident. Women tend to express other aspects of the body – mind interconnectedness. Men are also tend to use more the doing or fixing mode of mind more than women while women tend to use more the verbal mode of mind. This does not mean they are incapable or lacking the abilities to do so, but that they naturally emphasize other aspects. None of them is bad or good, both are required and they are complementary. Both, women and men use both of the modes to navigate better in the world. So in that sense, sex for a man with the woman he loves is the absolute ultimate. He is being physical. He is "doing" something with the person he loves, not just talking. In fact, he is communing with the woman he loves physically on top of emotionally, mentally and spiritually. They are experiencing their selfless nature, interconnectedness and interdependence for a brief moment. Based on the interaction and the interconnection of body and mind, most men engage in sex, so they can make a deeper connection with the woman they love. They are having sex with their wife in order to connect more deeply with her and they seek a complete fusion of their heart, body and mind. Therefore a man does not necessarily needs all the time sex but he needs regular sex with his wife. Once a man is reassured that he'll have regular sex with his wife he's fears will subside and the door for other physical forms of intimacy that do not necessarily include sexual intercourse or erotic sexual activity will open. Isn’t that what you as a woman seek - hugs, caresses, kisses and so on! So, once as a woman you stop engaging in sex because you allegedly owe him sex or doing it just to keep his mouth shout, but rather engage with him in meaningful, reach and quality sex because you understand his needs and are eager to help him satisfy them, he will not only return you the favor and more than this but will have a satisfied and faithful husband that will be to scared and afraid to lose the diamond that he has. Why, because it is the very essence between mere physical sexual pleasure that is only short term satisfying and a sexual happiness that is long term satisfying – not only in physical terms but especially emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Make your husband's physical pleasure and sexual emotional, mental and spiritual happiness your first priority; your husband in return should do this for you as well. Do all of this unconditionally and expect nothing in return. Take and find your sexual pleasure and happiness in giving that happiness and pleasure to your husband; he should do the same for you. Once you find your sexual happiness and pleasure by practicing this kind of generosity within yourself towards your husband and he will do the same for you, this sexual happiness and pleasure will be even more intensified when you do ask and get your needs fulfilled by your partner. You see, we do not become one, we are already one. We are merely two particles of the same one atom. This is when you ultimately feel our true nature of selflessness and the ignorance, the delusion, of separation, dichotomy and duality falls apart. It's your husband duty to take you sexually; it's not yours as well. You are one, act accordingly. Caution and hint for women: if you want to make this reality, what has first to stop is the demonization of male sexuality. Too many women suffer from this even unconsciously!

    Be willing to take her sexually

    Men by nature are expressing the physical aspect of the body and mind connection more than women do – it means it is more evident. Women tend to express other aspects of the body – mind interconnectedness. Men are also tend to use more the doing or fixing mode of mind more than women while women tend to use more the verbal mode of mind. This does not mean they are incapable or lacking the abilities to do so, but that they naturally emphasize other aspects. None of them is bad or good, both are required and they are complementary. Both, women and men use both of the modes to navigate better in the world. So in that sense, sex for a man with the woman he loves is the absolute ultimate. He is being physical. He is "doing" something with the person he loves, not just talking.

    In fact, he is communing with the woman he loves physically on top of emotionally, mentally and spiritually. They are experiencing their selfless nature, interconnectedness and interdependence for a brief moment. Based on the interaction and the interconnection of body and mind, most men engage in sex, so they can make a deeper connection with the woman they love. They are having sex with their wife in order to connect more deeply with her and they seek a complete fusion of their heart, body and mind. Therefore a man does not necessarily needs all the time sex but he needs regular sex with his wife. Once a man is reassured that he'll have regular sex with his wife he's fears will subside and the door for other physical forms of intimacy that do not necessarily include sexual intercourse or erotic sexual activity will open. Isn’t that what you as a woman seek - hugs, caresses, kisses and so on!

    So, once as a woman you stop engaging in sex because you allegedly owe him sex or doing it just to keep his mouth shout, but rather engage with him in meaningful, reach and quality sex because you understand his needs and are eager to help him satisfy them, he will not only return you the favor and more than this but will have a satisfied and faithful husband that will be to scared and afraid to lose the diamond that he has. Why, because it is the very essence between mere physical sexual pleasure that is only short term satisfying and a sexual happiness that is long term satisfying – not only in physical terms but especially emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Make your husband's physical pleasure and sexual emotional, mental and spiritual happiness your first priority; your husband in return should do this for you as well.

    Do all of this unconditionally and expect nothing in return. Take and find your sexual pleasure and happiness in giving that happiness and pleasure to your husband; he should do the same for you. Once you find your sexual happiness and pleasure by practicing this kind of generosity within yourself towards your husband and he will do the same for you, this sexual happiness and pleasure will be even more intensified when you do ask and get your needs fulfilled by your partner. You see, we do not become one, we are already one. We are merely two particles of the same one atom. This is when you ultimately feel our true nature of selflessness and the ignorance, the delusion, of separation, dichotomy and duality falls apart. It's your husband duty to take you sexually; it's not yours as well. You are one, act accordingly. Caution and hint for women: if you want to make this reality, what has first to stop is the demonization of male sexuality. Too many women suffer from this even unconsciously!

  • YL

    YL

    See Always the Best in Her! (…..and shut your mouth when she sees only the worst in you – this is how you'll be happy!) Well, if Gerald Rogers would be more honest and less ignorant, this would have been sound something like "Accept Him (her) as a whole; then concentrate on the good and let go of the shortcomings". Why? Basically because we humans are imperfect and as the husband has his strengths and flaws so does his wife has her strengths and shortcomings. This ignorance however, as we will see immediately is deeply interconnected with another delusion that Roger lets circulate among his readers namely that of falling in love again and again (I have explained it above). Yet, being completely blindfolded when we fall in love, we tend to see only what we like, the beautiful and good aspects in a person, while completely dismissing and ignoring what we don't like, the flaws and the shortcomings of a person. Very often, it is suppressed with the belief that either we will change the person or he'll simply change for us, just simply because we're so nice and he'll return us the favor. Well, in laboratory conditions, we can built whatever theory we like; however, what counts are not our phantasies and delusion, but how reality works. Most commonly, it is completely against what we thought and as the illusory house of cards crumbles and falls when it confronts reality we are only awake to realize the mess we have built and to experience the suffering of our own ignorance and delusions. In most cases also having no idea how to properly rebuild our life continuing making the same mistake only under another mask or disguise or as the saying goes it's the same old Bess in a new dress. It is when we got married that we suddenly realize that the things do not work as our delusion or ignorance told us and then deepening our ignorance and delusion we run away when things got hard. Normally, also believing that unless we have cut our ignorance, we can really build a new and healthy relationship with another person while still dwelling in the same delusion that have ruined our first relationship. The truth is that our ignorance, as well as our flaws, shortcomings, negative emotions, and other poisons of our mind are our own problem. Not that of our partner, and unless we have eradicated them with our current partner, it means simply bringing this heavy stinking baggage into our new relationship. As the other saying goes this is why the grass is never greener. If you want your grass green, irrigate your own yard with your current partner – do not leave him. However, if you irrigate your own yard with your partner, once the garden is green and blossoming, you don't need anymore another partner. Nor you will need another garden. This simple fact is the reason why the percentage of divorce between divorced couple is even higher than in first marriages, why divorced people divorce and marry many times and why it is true for both partners. The only exception for that rule that a marriage should be always worked within and never broken is when there is abusive marriage, where one of the partners, the husband's or wife's mental, emotional or physical well-being is at danger. Anyway, another delusion as aforesaid is that instead of dwelling in the ignorance of falling in love over and over again, perpetuating those mistakes time and again into the marriage, what we have to do as mentioned above is beginning to work on the true and higher stage of love which is achieved through teamwork overcoming the difficulties of marriage and the hardships of life while mutually helping and supporting each other. Either way, to work properly and to base the marriage and relationship on a stable basis, we have to accept the person as a whole, to be comfortable not only with his lovely sides of his personality, but also with his shadow, to consent with his flows and shortcomings and at the end make a resolution to practice letting go and acceptance of that shadow as well as concentrating on his best side. It is only that after we have gone through all of the initial process that we can simultaneously concentrate on the good, letting go of the flaws after having accepted his shadow. It is only now and when done in this way as well as reciprocally that we can move from here forward because if we haven’t undergone this process, all the flaws, the shadows and the lack of their acceptance will come to haunt us from the backdoor. It is also a process that by definition requires both partners. We cannot say that we will be selfless and if the partner reciprocates it will be o.k. There is no if and it doesn't work like this. Why? Because our purpose in life is not being self-martyr; what everyone seeks is at the end happiness. What we have to do is first of all to abandon all the delusion that are going with being in love and see if our partner, as we do, seeks a true as well as deep long term love instead of the short term satisfaction of thrill and excitement and is willing to work with us as a fellow traveller on the path. If the partner is not searching that what we yearn, it simply better to abandon him and going your own way before you marry him. Repairing the damage afterwards is extremely difficult. However, living in an age of feminist male bashing, the demonization of men and male hate, it's very hard to find a woman that at that or the other level was not brainwashed even unconsciously by the feminist mob and its hate. It's not that the women are inherently bad, they are not, and they were simply brainwashed by feminist hate and propaganda. I do not blame them. Yet, if a woman truly seeks a partnership and a marriage, she must address exactly this attitude against men already from the beginning, namely that she is always right, flawless and blameless, and accept the reciprocity of such demand and work, while her husband must accept naturally his own duties and responsibilities. She must see her man as equal and not placing herself about him by thinking and demanding from her man to see only the best in her while seeing her man as always bad, flawed, guilty and evil as the feminists require. She should also first accept him as a whole; then see the best in him while letting go of his flaws and shortcomings. By the way, the advices given by Gerald Rogers are nothing more than the continuation of the man hating feminist notions, those who require the man to do everything, those that put the blame always the man's shoulder and excuses even the worst female behavior as well as instilling in their mind the notion that they are pure and blameless princesses who are entitled to get everything, without doing and giving nothing in return, without taking any responsibility and always accusing the man. This is why men and women seeking to a marriage with should avoid such advices and expectations like a plaque.

    See Always the Best in Her! (…..and shut your mouth when she sees only the worst in you – this is how you'll be happy!)

    Well, if Gerald Rogers would be more honest and less ignorant, this would have been sound something like "Accept Him (her) as a whole; then concentrate on the good and let go of the shortcomings". Why? Basically because we humans are imperfect and as the husband has his strengths and flaws so does his wife has her strengths and shortcomings. This ignorance however, as we will see immediately is deeply interconnected with another delusion that Roger lets circulate among his readers namely that of falling in love again and again (I have explained it above). Yet, being completely blindfolded when we fall in love, we tend to see only what we like, the beautiful and good aspects in a person, while completely dismissing and ignoring what we don't like, the flaws and the shortcomings of a person. Very often, it is suppressed with the belief that either we will change the person or he'll simply change for us, just simply because we're so nice and he'll return us the favor. Well, in laboratory conditions, we can built whatever theory we like; however, what counts are not our phantasies and delusion, but how reality works. Most commonly, it is completely against what we thought and as the illusory house of cards crumbles and falls when it confronts reality we are only awake to realize the mess we have built and to experience the suffering of our own ignorance and delusions. In most cases also having no idea how to properly rebuild our life continuing making the same mistake only under another mask or disguise or as the saying goes it's the same old Bess in a new dress. It is when we got married that we suddenly realize that the things do not work as our delusion or ignorance told us and then deepening our ignorance and delusion we run away when things got hard. Normally, also believing that unless we have cut our ignorance, we can really build a new and healthy relationship with another person while still dwelling in the same delusion that have ruined our first relationship. The truth is that our ignorance, as well as our flaws, shortcomings, negative emotions, and other poisons of our mind are our own problem. Not that of our partner, and unless we have eradicated them with our current partner, it means simply bringing this heavy stinking baggage into our new relationship. As the other saying goes this is why the grass is never greener. If you want your grass green, irrigate your own yard with your current partner – do not leave him. However, if you irrigate your own yard with your partner, once the garden is green and blossoming, you don't need anymore another partner. Nor you will need another garden. This simple fact is the reason why the percentage of divorce between divorced couple is even higher than in first marriages, why divorced people divorce and marry many times and why it is true for both partners. The only exception for that rule that a marriage should be always worked within and never broken is when there is abusive marriage, where one of the partners, the husband's or wife's mental, emotional or physical well-being is at danger.

    Anyway, another delusion as aforesaid is that instead of dwelling in the ignorance of falling in love over and over again, perpetuating those mistakes time and again into the marriage, what we have to do as mentioned above is beginning to work on the true and higher stage of love which is achieved through teamwork overcoming the difficulties of marriage and the hardships of life while mutually helping and supporting each other. Either way, to work properly and to base the marriage and relationship on a stable basis, we have to accept the person as a whole, to be comfortable not only with his lovely sides of his personality, but also with his shadow, to consent with his flows and shortcomings and at the end make a resolution to practice letting go and acceptance of that shadow as well as concentrating on his best side. It is only that after we have gone through all of the initial process that we can simultaneously concentrate on the good, letting go of the flaws after having accepted his shadow. It is only now and when done in this way as well as reciprocally that we can move from here forward because if we haven’t undergone this process, all the flaws, the shadows and the lack of their acceptance will come to haunt us from the backdoor. It is also a process that by definition requires both partners. We cannot say that we will be selfless and if the partner reciprocates it will be o.k. There is no if and it doesn't work like this. Why? Because our purpose in life is not being self-martyr; what everyone seeks is at the end happiness. What we have to do is first of all to abandon all the delusion that are going with being in love and see if our partner, as we do, seeks a true as well as deep long term love instead of the short term satisfaction of thrill and excitement and is willing to work with us as a fellow traveller on the path. If the partner is not searching that what we yearn, it simply better to abandon him and going your own way before you marry him. Repairing the damage afterwards is extremely difficult. However, living in an age of feminist male bashing, the demonization of men and male hate, it's very hard to find a woman that at that or the other level was not brainwashed even unconsciously by the feminist mob and its hate. It's not that the women are inherently bad, they are not, and they were simply brainwashed by feminist hate and propaganda. I do not blame them. Yet, if a woman truly seeks a partnership and a marriage, she must address exactly this attitude against men already from the beginning, namely that she is always right, flawless and blameless, and accept the reciprocity of such demand and work, while her husband must accept naturally his own duties and responsibilities. She must see her man as equal and not placing herself about him by thinking and demanding from her man to see only the best in her while seeing her man as always bad, flawed, guilty and evil as the feminists require. She should also first accept him as a whole; then see the best in him while letting go of his flaws and shortcomings. By the way, the advices given by Gerald Rogers are nothing more than the continuation of the man hating feminist notions, those who require the man to do everything, those that put the blame always the man's shoulder and excuses even the worst female behavior as well as instilling in their mind the notion that they are pure and blameless princesses who are entitled to get everything, without doing and giving nothing in return, without taking any responsibility and always accusing the man. This is why men and women seeking to a marriage with should avoid such advices and expectations like a plaque.

  • Insidious_Sid

    Insidious_Sid Alberta, Canada

    I want to go out drinking with JW and YL! :) @Arnold Ziffel - I am sincerely sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your daughter and subsequent dissolution of your marriage. I can't imagine the pain you have endured, but hope you find things in this life that bring you solace and peace.

    I want to go out drinking with JW and YL! smile

    @Arnold Ziffel - I am sincerely sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your daughter and subsequent dissolution of your marriage. I can't imagine the pain you have endured, but hope you find things in this life that bring you solace and peace.

  • Sedona

    Sedona Texas

    It didn't take me too long to understand my messy marriage, It took me 28 years to understand and accept my WORTH. Afer 28 years of marriage I finally accept that I am at a Dead end road. It's time to save whatever is left in me.... Unfortunately, my long marriage have NONE of what I see above, my love got completely dry...

    It didn't take me too long to understand my messy marriage, It took me 28 years to understand and accept my WORTH. Afer 28 years of marriage I finally accept that I am at a Dead end road. It's time to save whatever is left in me.... Unfortunately, my long marriage have NONE of what I see above, my love got completely dry...

  • KyleP

    KyleP California

    None of the advise will work if only one person wants to make it work. It takes two to tango. You can not tango by yourself. I've been to both sides of the boat. I was on the receiving end and giving end. I have only been in 2 relationships. First relationship, I met this girl and she was on the giving end and I was receiving (No dirty minds now). I didn't care much about her. We lived together. She loved me with all her heart. Even when I was going out with other girls, she would still sit at home and wait for me to come home. She never said one word. I never saw a future with her. I didn't want to marry her. She wrote me valentine's cards and expressed how she loved me. I never gave her any roses and anniversy cards. We were together for almost 10 years. I was 21 when I met her and I left her when I was 31. Fast forward 10 years later, I was 41. I met another woman. She's pretty. I felt in love with her. I married her and we're still together for almost 4 years. I would do anything to be with her. I wrote her valentine's cards and anniversay cards, and expressed my love for her. I was doing exactly what my ex-girlfriend was doing for me then. Only this time, I'm on the giving end, and the new woman is on the receiving end. This new woman could dump me anytime. She doesn't care for me. She plans her future without me. She told me she would be happy dumping me for another man. It's epic Karma. I treated my ex-gf badly, now it's happening to me. Why haven't I divorced her? because i would sit at home waiting for her to come home just like my ex-gf would sit and wait for me to come home back then. Now I know how hopeless my ex-gf felt when you she loved someone and that person(me) didn't love her back. I feel like no matter how hard I try to save this relationship, if my wife does not want to tango with me, then just a matter of time, she will leave me.

    None of the advise will work if only one person wants to make it work. It takes two to tango. You can not tango by yourself.

    I've been to both sides of the boat. I was on the receiving end and giving end.

    I have only been in 2 relationships. First relationship, I met this girl and she was on the giving end and I was receiving (No dirty minds now). I didn't care much about her. We lived together. She loved me with all her heart. Even when I was going out with other girls, she would still sit at home and wait for me to come home. She never said one word. I never saw a future with her. I didn't want to marry her. She wrote me valentine's cards and expressed how she loved me. I never gave her any roses and anniversy cards. We were together for almost 10 years. I was 21 when I met her and I left her when I was 31.

    Fast forward 10 years later, I was 41. I met another woman. She's pretty. I felt in love with her. I married her and we're still together for almost 4 years. I would do anything to be with her. I wrote her valentine's cards and anniversay cards, and expressed my love for her. I was doing exactly what my ex-girlfriend was doing for me then. Only this time, I'm on the giving end, and the new woman is on the receiving end. This new woman could dump me anytime. She doesn't care for me. She plans her future without me. She told me she would be happy dumping me for another man.

    It's epic Karma. I treated my ex-gf badly, now it's happening to me. Why haven't I divorced her? because i would sit at home waiting for her to come home just like my ex-gf would sit and wait for me to come home back then.

    Now I know how hopeless my ex-gf felt when you she loved someone and that person(me) didn't love her back. I feel like no matter how hard I try to save this relationship, if my wife does not want to tango with me, then just a matter of time, she will leave me.

  • Dominique

    Dominique Maine

    This author never said it wasn't a two -way street. He was reflecting on things he realized were important in a marriage. It is an article from a man who made mistakes. There is such a bitterness and ignorance to some f the commenters. Of course both people need to show their love, respect and admiration for one another.

    This author never said it wasn't a two -way street. He was reflecting on things he realized were important in a marriage. It is an article from a man who made mistakes. There is such a bitterness and ignorance to some f the commenters. Of course both people need to show their love, respect and admiration for one another.

  • Steph

    Steph Canada

    There is a lot of 'maleness' in this article, you don't have to be a man to make someone feel special. Let her lead too. Like people have mentioned, it is a two way street. And you men need loving & fighting for too. I think with marriage (or years of living together) we take each other for granted. Be thoughtful everyday for her, and let her be thoughtful every day for you. You are the keepers of each others happiness, as great as you want to feel is a great your partner needs to feel. (See its that simple, no need for one sided manliness.)

    There is a lot of 'maleness' in this article, you don't have to be a man to make someone feel special. Let her lead too. Like people have mentioned, it is a two way street. And you men need loving & fighting for too. I think with marriage (or years of living together) we take each other for granted. Be thoughtful everyday for her, and let her be thoughtful every day for you. You are the keepers of each others happiness, as great as you want to feel is a great your partner needs to feel. (See its that simple, no need for one sided manliness.)

  • William

    William MD

    Things were great one day, and different the next.... My soon to be ex-wife just flipped it like a light switch. Being together for 13 years, married for 7 of them, and having a 3 year old together, she decided that she just didn't want to be married anymore. For over 9 months I tried talking to her about what she was feeling but was met with the same answer every time. "I just don't know how i feel anymore". Counseling didn't help. In fact it lit a "divorce fuse" because all it did was stir up arguments. Arguments i had no idea were even there because she never shared her concerns about them with me. She actually said to me; "It's just getting really hard and i'm not sure i want to do it anymore". Blind-sighted ... A lot of the bullet points are great suggestions, and I tried following many of them as best i could. But how you interpret or approach them is where you can shoot yourself in the foot. Every point can, and should be applied to both people. You should always expect the best and more from your GF/BF, fiance, or spouse. And they should expect the same from you as well. It's supposed to be a partnership and a support team. When one person is down, the other is supposed to help you up. Same goes for the good times. Celebrate & love the person for who they are, and not for who you want them to be. When you start compromising YOUR OWN values or morals based on these types of points to cater to the other person, you will inevitably lose. Divorce will drive you insane and make you second guess every single minute you spent with that person, wondering how things got to where the did. Learning to forgive them might be hard. Learning to forgive yourself might be harder. Keep reminding yourself that there is no one who will love you more than you can love yourself. If someone comes along who can give you a little more love, learn from your mistakes and try and improve.

    Things were great one day, and different the next.... My soon to be ex-wife just flipped it like a light switch. Being together for 13 years, married for 7 of them, and having a 3 year old together, she decided that she just didn't want to be married anymore. For over 9 months I tried talking to her about what she was feeling but was met with the same answer every time. "I just don't know how i feel anymore". Counseling didn't help. In fact it lit a "divorce fuse" because all it did was stir up arguments. Arguments i had no idea were even there because she never shared her concerns about them with me. She actually said to me; "It's just getting really hard and i'm not sure i want to do it anymore". Blind-sighted ...

    A lot of the bullet points are great suggestions, and I tried following many of them as best i could. But how you interpret or approach them is where you can shoot yourself in the foot. Every point can, and should be applied to both people. You should always expect the best and more from your GF/BF, fiance, or spouse. And they should expect the same from you as well. It's supposed to be a partnership and a support team. When one person is down, the other is supposed to help you up. Same goes for the good times. Celebrate & love the person for who they are, and not for who you want them to be. When you start compromising YOUR OWN values or morals based on these types of points to cater to the other person, you will inevitably lose.

    Divorce will drive you insane and make you second guess every single minute you spent with that person, wondering how things got to where the did. Learning to forgive them might be hard. Learning to forgive yourself might be harder. Keep reminding yourself that there is no one who will love you more than you can love yourself. If someone comes along who can give you a little more love, learn from your mistakes and try and improve.

  • JC4me

    JC4me

    What I find interesting is that the negative comments above are primarily from men. While I understand the need to defend oneself, why is it that it's the first response to honesty or advice? In my opinion, it's a matter of trust in each other and the willingness to work at it. I live in a situation that has come to a head because my partner will not meet my needs and I'm tired of giving what I get none of. He is following in this mans footsteps. I wonder what his reaction would be if I sent this article to him? Anyone want to lay odds on him being open or him being defensive? I think I will do this and let you all know which way it goes.

    What I find interesting is that the negative comments above are primarily from men. While I understand the need to defend oneself, why is it that it's the first response to honesty or advice? In my opinion, it's a matter of trust in each other and the willingness to work at it. I live in a situation that has come to a head because my partner will not meet my needs and I'm tired of giving what I get none of. He is following in this mans footsteps. I wonder what his reaction would be if I sent this article to him? Anyone want to lay odds on him being open or him being defensive? I think I will do this and let you all know which way it goes.

  • Don Dressel

    Don Dressel Santa Rosa California

    This advice is fantastic! I am going through a very hard time in my marriage as my wife wants out and I have been trying for the last 6 months with her. I am frustrated because I am finally realizing that it has been over for her for the last 2 years. We have grown apart after 24 years and I suspect she is seeing someone else even though she denies it. All the signs are there and I am letting go to fix myself and be emotionally fit so if I do meet someone else in the future I will be ready. The pain is tremendous and having read everyone else's comments I have empathy for them! Take care everyone and God bless

    This advice is fantastic! I am going through a very hard time in my marriage as my wife wants out and I have been trying for the last 6 months with her. I am frustrated because I am finally realizing that it has been over for her for the last 2 years. We have grown apart after 24 years and I suspect she is seeing someone else even though she denies it. All the signs are there and I am letting go to fix myself and be emotionally fit so if I do meet someone else in the future I will be ready. The pain is tremendous and having read everyone else's comments I have empathy for them! Take care everyone and God bless

  • Don Dressel

    Don Dressel santa rosa california

    In defense of my wife and my last comment she is not seeing someone else but has just wanted space. I am realizing my flaws and am willing to work on my marriage but she is not so agreeing to a separation and hoping some day we can work it out. Take care

    In defense of my wife and my last comment she is not seeing someone else but has just wanted space. I am realizing my flaws and am willing to work on my marriage but she is not so agreeing to a separation and hoping some day we can work it out.
    Take care

  • Mary

    Mary Utah

    Arnold Ziffel, your story moved me. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your ex just checked out of life after your daughter's passing. Sometimes people are so devastated by loss they distance themselves from those they love to prevent further pain. Your children are fortunate to have you.

    Arnold Ziffel, your story moved me. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your ex just checked out of life after your daughter's passing. Sometimes people are so devastated by loss they distance themselves from those they love to prevent further pain. Your children are fortunate to have you.

  • No

    No NY

    Rich, why do men refer to paying child support so their kids can eat loosing or having their money stolen? News flash: your kids still have to live regardless of what mistakes their parents make. It's that kind of attitude that only fuels skewed divorce laws because it makes men sound like they won't hesitate to let their kids starve because they're angry at their ex and their money is more important. So every time the judge gives the kids to mom, tells dad he can only see them one weekend a month but still has to pay, remember that it's guys like you and your selfish attitudes that are part of the problem.

    Rich, why do men refer to paying child support so their kids can eat loosing or having their money stolen? News flash: your kids still have to live regardless of what mistakes their parents make. It's that kind of attitude that only fuels skewed divorce laws because it makes men sound like they won't hesitate to let their kids starve because they're angry at their ex and their money is more important. So every time the judge gives the kids to mom, tells dad he can only see them one weekend a month but still has to pay, remember that it's guys like you and your selfish attitudes that are part of the problem.

  • kaci

    kaci wi

    I have been married for 6 short years. We have 4 children and I had one miscarriage. I don't ever remember being happily married. When we first married we lived just blocks from his parents, where he would spend most of his nights, unless they decided to stop by. For four years I waited for things to change and nothing. I made suggestions about things we could change and asked if he wanted to go to counseling. "No, we're fine" was his answer. sometime between year 5 and 6 I gave up, and that is when he decided he was ready to make a change. I am past the point of trying. no matter how hard he tries I can not let him in anymore. He has let me down and hurt me too many times and I now have too much hatred and bitterness towards him. I no longer know what to do, I'm lost.

    I have been married for 6 short years. We have 4 children and I had one miscarriage. I don't ever remember being happily married. When we first married we lived just blocks from his parents, where he would spend most of his nights, unless they decided to stop by. For four years I waited for things to change and nothing. I made suggestions about things we could change and asked if he wanted to go to counseling. "No, we're fine" was his answer. sometime between year 5 and 6 I gave up, and that is when he decided he was ready to make a change. I am past the point of trying. no matter how hard he tries I can not let him in anymore. He has let me down and hurt me too many times and I now have too much hatred and bitterness towards him. I no longer know what to do, I'm lost.

  • BT

    BT UK

    Did all of that. still wasn't enough

    Did all of that. still wasn't enough

  • Robin

    Robin Dhaka, Bangladesh

    I am married for 12 years now and just found out my wife cheated on me several times in the past while I was busy working my ass of 10-12 hours a day. We are very fun loving couple. We have a six year old son and I cannot live without either of them my wife and son. She was caught from her mobile sms. I have evidence. She is apologizing and saying to her give her a last chance. She is behaving very nice with me and treating me like what any husband would dream for. I still love her from the bottom of my heart. Yesterday I celebrated her 30th Birthday despite my heart is broken. How to forget her past and how re-build the trust?? I am devastated and thinking for a divorce. But after reading this story I am thinking it over. Help me anyone out there what should I DO??

    I am married for 12 years now and just found out my wife cheated on me several times in the past while I was busy working my ass of 10-12 hours a day. We are very fun loving couple. We have a six year old son and I cannot live without either of them my wife and son. She was caught from her mobile sms. I have evidence. She is apologizing and saying to her give her a last chance. She is behaving very nice with me and treating me like what any husband would dream for. I still love her from the bottom of my heart. Yesterday I celebrated her 30th Birthday despite my heart is broken. How to forget her past and how re-build the trust?? I am devastated and thinking for a divorce. But after reading this story I am thinking it over. Help me anyone out there what should I DO??

  • MS

    MS Auckland

    I wish I had really taken note of that advice before my wife started to grow distant with and eventually fall out of love with me. We had been together for 7 years, married for 1. She just broke it off 4 days ago. Meant to be our anniversary next weekend where I booked us the most amazing weekend. I still love her and am madly in love with her. But she has changed, not the person I first met for sure. I've tried to change for her but she won't. Yes we have very different personalities that just doesn't work any more like it used to. I'm going through a world of pain at the moment and don't see any way out. If I had seriously done the 'silly' thing and making her fall in love with me over again we wouldn't be in this position. I regret every thing I did wrong now. She used to adore me and was crazy about me. Now that is lost. She is actually happy and relieved this has finally happened as she has feeling like this for 6 months now. We work in the same workplace which is going to be hard. Please, any advice/support on the matter will help. Thanks

    I wish I had really taken note of that advice before my wife started to grow distant with and eventually fall out of love with me. We had been together for 7 years, married for 1. She just broke it off 4 days ago. Meant to be our anniversary next weekend where I booked us the most amazing weekend. I still love her and am madly in love with her. But she has changed, not the person I first met for sure. I've tried to change for her but she won't. Yes we have very different personalities that just doesn't work any more like it used to. I'm going through a world of pain at the moment and don't see any way out. If I had seriously done the 'silly' thing and making her fall in love with me over again we wouldn't be in this position. I regret every thing I did wrong now. She used to adore me and was crazy about me. Now that is lost. She is actually happy and relieved this has finally happened as she has feeling like this for 6 months now. We work in the same workplace which is going to be hard. Please, any advice/support on the matter will help. Thanks

  • MS

    MS Auckland

    [quote=BT] Did all of that. still wasn't enough [/quote] [quote=kaci] I have been married for 6 short years. We have 4 children and I had one miscarriage. I don't ever remember being happily married. When we first married we lived just blocks from his parents, where he would spend most of his nights, unless they decided to stop by. For four years I waited for things to change and nothing. I made suggestions about things we could change and asked if he wanted to go to counseling. "No, we're fine" was his answer. sometime between year 5 and 6 I gave up, and that is when he decided he was ready to make a change. I am past the point of trying. no matter how hard he tries I can not let him in anymore. He has let me down and hurt me too many times and I now have too much hatred and bitterness towards him. I no longer know what to do, I'm lost. [/quote] I sound like your husband as my wife no longer has the time now to accept that I've finally changed. In the start years I need some counselling to get over a past relationship and also said I was fine. She accepted it. She's just left me now 4 years later, 11 months 3 weeks into our marriage which was her response. I think it's the wrong one for your husbands sake coz i know excatly what he is going through

    BT wrote:

    Did all of that. still wasn't enough
    [/quote]
    [quote=kaci]
    I have been married for 6 short years. We have 4 children and I had one miscarriage. I don't ever remember being happily married. When we first married we lived just blocks from his parents, where he would spend most of his nights, unless they decided to stop by. For four years I waited for things to change and nothing. I made suggestions about things we could change and asked if he wanted to go to counseling. "No, we're fine" was his answer. sometime between year 5 and 6 I gave up, and that is when he decided he was ready to make a change. I am past the point of trying. no matter how hard he tries I can not let him in anymore. He has let me down and hurt me too many times and I now have too much hatred and bitterness towards him. I no longer know what to do, I'm lost.

    I sound like your husband as my wife no longer has the time now to accept that I've finally changed. In the start years I need some counselling to get over a past relationship and also said I was fine. She accepted it. She's just left me now 4 years later, 11 months 3 weeks into our marriage which was her response. I think it's the wrong one for your husbands sake coz i know excatly what he is going through

  • Ms, Smith

    Ms, Smith

    This Article is excellent but not true reality in most marriages. . The comments were very detailed and worth reading. I got married in the 1970's and have been married 40 years. I'm going to make this short and to the point. Each partner needs to be a team player. Both sexes want to feel appreciated, understood, respected and have a soft place to fall. Both team players need to compromise and learn to show empathy towards each others goals and dreams. The marriage needs to be a equal partnership even if one spouse makes more money than the other spouse or if one spouse is the primary caretaker of their children. All roles are important and mutual respect should always be applied. In my 40 years of marriage a very important lesson I have learned is always plan a date night once a week and follow through. Always make time for each other no matter how busy your job , career of family life is. If there is limited attention given to lovemaking, romance, affection, compliments, kindness, that even the strongest marriages will fail! Ms Smith

    This Article is excellent but not true reality in most marriages.
    . The comments were very detailed and worth reading.
    I got married in the 1970's and have been married 40 years.
    I'm going to make this short and to the point.
    Each partner needs to be a team player. Both sexes want to feel appreciated, understood, respected and have a soft place to fall.
    Both team players need to compromise and learn to show empathy towards each others goals and dreams.
    The marriage needs to be a equal partnership even if one spouse makes more money than the other spouse or if one spouse is the primary caretaker of their children. All roles are important and mutual respect should always be applied.
    In my 40 years of marriage a very important lesson I have learned is always plan a date night once a week and follow through. Always make time for each other no matter how busy your job , career of family life is.
    If there is limited attention given to lovemaking, romance, affection, compliments, kindness, that even the strongest marriages will fail! Ms Smith

  • Prof.B.Krishna

    Prof.B.Krishna #3038/1-D2/1, "KALPATARU", GOKULAM PARK ROAD, V.V.MOHALLA, MYSORE-570002, KARNATAKA STATE, INDIA. E-MAIL: <bkprofbkrishna@gmail.com>

    Husband and Wife are made for each other, in happiness and sorrow, in success and failure, in love and hate, in liking and disliking, in day and night, at last in life and death. Husband is Half and Wife is another Half, joining together become ONE. Husband and Wife are like Body and Sole, can never be separated. If one dies, it means the other also dead. Divorcing is like jumping from frying pan to forest fire. The heat of the frying pan will vanish after sometime. Where as forest fire burns everything into ash and then vanishes. Thanks and Best Wishes to you Mr. Gerald Rogers, for your timely sharing of your the best experience, for the welfare of all married couples on earth.

    Husband and Wife are made for each other, in happiness and sorrow, in success and failure, in love and hate, in liking and disliking, in day and night, at last in life and death.

    Husband is Half and Wife is another Half, joining together become ONE.

    Husband and Wife are like Body and Sole, can never be separated. If one dies, it means the other also dead.

    Divorcing is like jumping from frying pan to forest fire. The heat of the frying pan will vanish after sometime. Where as forest fire burns everything into ash and then vanishes.

    Thanks and Best Wishes to you Mr. Gerald Rogers, for your timely sharing of your the best experience, for the welfare of all married couples on earth.

  • Lisa

    Lisa USA

    I'm in my early thirties and i've been with my husband since i was twenty - 11 years. We've been married for two years. I'm not an expert or anything but i'd like to share what i think i've learned from my own relationship/marriage. We've been through a lot together, my husband and I; the "wild" college years, a couple of years of long distance relationship, living together for several years before getting married and then finally after nine years together he asked me to marry him and i said yes without thinking twice. And o have to admit, i think as time goes by our feelings grow stronger and stronger. I'm more in love with him now than i ever was and he feels the same way. What's our secret? I believe that somehow we've manged to build a relationship based on trust, respect and communication and not only on love. We don't consider ourselves as "one person" now that we're married and marriage did not automatically take away our individuality. I don't know what the future holds for us but i know that if we keep doing what we're doing it will only get better.

    I'm in my early thirties and i've been with my husband since i was twenty - 11 years. We've been married for two years. I'm not an expert or anything but i'd like to share what i think i've learned from my own relationship/marriage. We've been through a lot together, my husband and I; the "wild" college years, a couple of years of long distance relationship, living together for several years before getting married and then finally after nine years together he asked me to marry him and i said yes without thinking twice. And o have to admit, i think as time goes by our feelings grow stronger and stronger. I'm more in love with him now than i ever was and he feels the same way. What's our secret? I believe that somehow we've manged to build a relationship based on trust, respect and communication and not only on love. We don't consider ourselves as "one person" now that we're married and marriage did not automatically take away our individuality. I don't know what the future holds for us but i know that if we keep doing what we're doing it will only get better.

  • SS

    SS London

    Did quite a bit of all that.....perhaps not all of it. We went into financial trouble and perhaps only the strongest of marriages survive after that. We agreed to an amicable divorce....and have remained friends - and now she has started seeing a very good looking rich guy.....made me wonder - I could never compete with that......and I am neither good looking nor stinking rich, just an honest hard working guy....perhaps she was unhappy all these 15 years because she was stuck in a relationship with a guy she never wanted anyway.....like wanting to go to Vegas and ending up in Thimpu in Bhutan....the place may be beautiful but it sure aint no Vegas...so in that case, how relevant is all this, and if I had another chance and did it all this way to perfection, would she still have loved me enough to stay? Friends, I am very confused.....I do take the blame and I sure did many things wrong, but in my heart of hearts I loved her very much, and I did show her many times......I thought that she knew better......

    Did quite a bit of all that.....perhaps not all of it. We went into financial trouble and perhaps only the strongest of marriages survive after that. We agreed to an amicable divorce....and have remained friends - and now she has started seeing a very good looking rich guy.....made me wonder - I could never compete with that......and I am neither good looking nor stinking rich, just an honest hard working guy....perhaps she was unhappy all these 15 years because she was stuck in a relationship with a guy she never wanted anyway.....like wanting to go to Vegas and ending up in Thimpu in Bhutan....the place may be beautiful but it sure aint no Vegas...so in that case, how relevant is all this, and if I had another chance and did it all this way to perfection, would she still have loved me enough to stay? Friends, I am very confused.....I do take the blame and I sure did many things wrong, but in my heart of hearts I loved her very much, and I did show her many times......I thought that she knew better......

  • JD

    JD usa

    This article is a bunch of crap unless you are one of the lucky men who is able to find a woman who isn't a little princess and expects you to do everything for nothing in return. After 8 years of marriage and now two kids I'm sick of being the sole provider and doing all the housework at night after I get home while she sits there and watches tv and eats ice cream before falling asleep on the bed. I can do everything on this list and it doesn't mean a thing if the appreciation isn't coming from the other side. It would just make me feel even more emasculated.

    This article is a bunch of crap unless you are one of the lucky men who is able to find a woman who isn't a little princess and expects you to do everything for nothing in return. After 8 years of marriage and now two kids I'm sick of being the sole provider and doing all the housework at night after I get home while she sits there and watches tv and eats ice cream before falling asleep on the bed. I can do everything on this list and it doesn't mean a thing if the appreciation isn't coming from the other side. It would just make me feel even more emasculated.

  • JMA

    JMA USA

    Great article. I've started to write down my experience or my view as well. http://mythoughtcorner.myfreesites.net

    Great article. I've started to write down my experience or my view as well. http://mythoughtcorner.myfreesites.net

  • Becky

    Becky Amsterdam

    Hi, Everything you write about is so true. But for both the man and woman in a relationship the above applies. People seem to forget why they have fallen in love with each other. It's like life itself swallows them and because of their busy lifes, career, kids they stop communicating. Communication is where it all starts. And self reflection. It's easy to blame your partner instead of facing your own part of the struggles you might be in. Keep the writing going on. Becky, www.lovesparkx.com

    Hi,

    Everything you write about is so true. But for both the man and woman in a relationship the above applies. People seem to forget why they have fallen in love with each other. It's like life itself swallows them and because of their busy lifes, career, kids they stop communicating. Communication is where it all starts. And self reflection. It's easy to blame your partner instead of facing your own part of the struggles you might be in.
    Keep the writing going on.
    Becky,
    www.lovesparkx.com

  • AG

    AG USA

    this article was wonderful. Myself married almost 25 years to someone I considered my best friend. We were the couple everyone looked at thought together forever. Broke my heart the night he told me he was in love with someone else. I wasn't shocked. I actually had warned him he was getting to involved in conversations with an old friend on facebook. She was leaving her husband. He said he was just being a friend. Then the affair started. Unfortunately when he said he was sorry and wanted to work things out between us I stayed and decided to try. Now 2 years later I got the same news again about the same person. I know stupid me, but I loved him.

    this article was wonderful. Myself married almost 25 years to someone I considered my best friend. We were the couple everyone looked at thought together forever. Broke my heart the night he told me he was in love with someone else. I wasn't shocked. I actually had warned him he was getting to involved in conversations with an old friend on facebook. She was leaving her husband. He said he was just being a friend. Then the affair started. Unfortunately when he said he was sorry and wanted to work things out between us I stayed and decided to try. Now 2 years later I got the same news again about the same person. I know stupid me, but I loved him.

  • Daniel

    Daniel Texas

    Yes, it is work and I can admit my own shortcomings. Men are always omitted from this equation and it should not. It takes two to make one. Always be open to one another. Problems can be avoided quickly when talking about what is bothering one or the other. Hear them out and find a solution. If you can't then go to your priest. pastor, rabi or any other professional person that can offer advice. Always take a step back and think about what your about to say. But it takes Man and Wife and their love for each other to overcome anything. Every year make that promise to each other.

    Yes, it is work and I can admit my own shortcomings. Men are always omitted from this equation and it should not. It takes two to make one. Always be open to one another. Problems can be avoided quickly when talking about what is bothering one or the other. Hear them out and find a solution. If you can't then go to your priest. pastor, rabi or any other professional person that can offer advice. Always take a step back and think about what your about to say. But it takes Man and Wife and their love for each other to overcome anything. Every year make that promise to each other.

  • CJC

    CJC Nevada

    I have read this article and every comment. Enlightening in one way: SO many different situations, different ages, different lengths of time together, different countries. And yet so similar - it all falls apart for so many of us. In my case, 28 years of being together, 6 months separated now. Both entering the golden years alone. Both having made multiple "mistakes", both devastated and sad and trying to figure out where you start to build separate lives at our age. And we are both shell shocked at how so many years together could end this way. Just my opinion, but any way you slice it, it all boils down to losing trust in one another. Trust has been betrayed on both sides many times. Lies and deceit about fidelity and money and what's important. At what point can you ever trust again when you feel betrayed over and over again. So my advice, if you still have a marriage to try and save. Stop lying. Stop being deceitful. Be truly honest with each other about everything that matters. Be truthful about your feelings, what you want, your disappointments, your insecurities, your finances, your activities outside the marriage. Be truthful about EVERYTHING. If you do truly love one another (and I am sure we both still do), then don't be afraid to tell the real truth. And you might just have a chance at happiness. We squandered ours.

    I have read this article and every comment. Enlightening in one way: SO many different situations, different ages, different lengths of time together, different countries. And yet so similar - it all falls apart for so many of us. In my case, 28 years of being together, 6 months separated now. Both entering the golden years alone. Both having made multiple "mistakes", both devastated and sad and trying to figure out where you start to build separate lives at our age. And we are both shell shocked at how so many years together could end this way.

    Just my opinion, but any way you slice it, it all boils down to losing trust in one another. Trust has been betrayed on both sides many times. Lies and deceit about fidelity and money and what's important. At what point can you ever trust again when you feel betrayed over and over again.

    So my advice, if you still have a marriage to try and save. Stop lying. Stop being deceitful. Be truly honest with each other about everything that matters. Be truthful about your feelings, what you want, your disappointments, your insecurities, your finances, your activities outside the marriage. Be truthful about EVERYTHING. If you do truly love one another (and I am sure we both still do), then don't be afraid to tell the real truth.

    And you might just have a chance at happiness. We squandered ours.

  • MerMaid

    MerMaid

    Come aX and read this article made me shed tears. I wish I wish the man to whom I married for 20 years (but cheated on me for 15 years) would read and do something to straighten up himself before it's too late. When I asked him,"Why? What did or didn't I do?" His first reaction was blaming me for not always available to take his calls (He works out of town and come home on weekend only) And created lies over old lies he did for 14 years. After a few months of fighting and found out more of painful truths... His answers were,"Because I'm an arrogant and stupid man. You are the one that I love but I take advantages of you for the reason I believe that you will always be there for me no matter what happen. I deluded myself that I can get away with whatever, that I will never get caught. Even though you had given me all that I need and all that I want, but I misuse your love and your trust." I consider myself as an Independent, sweet, genuine and passionate person. I keep myself happy and living a healthy lifestyle. I'm well figure, well dressed and look much younger than my real age. I'm a devoted mother to our 4 beautiful children. I was 27 and he's 40 when we get married in 1993....

    Come aX and read this article made me shed tears.

    I wish I wish the man to whom I married for 20 years (but cheated on me for 15 years) would read and do something to straighten up himself before it's too late.

    When I asked him,"Why? What did or didn't I do?"
    His first reaction was blaming me for not always available to take his calls (He works out of town and come home on weekend only)
    And created lies over old lies he did for 14 years.

    After a few months of fighting and found out more of painful truths...

    His answers were,"Because I'm an arrogant and stupid man.
    You are the one that I love but I take advantages of you for the reason I believe that you will always be there for me no matter what happen.
    I deluded myself that I can get away with whatever, that I will never get caught.
    Even though you had given me all that I need and all that I want, but I misuse your love and your trust."

    I consider myself as an Independent, sweet, genuine and passionate person.
    I keep myself happy and living a healthy lifestyle.
    I'm well figure, well dressed and look much younger than my real age.
    I'm a devoted mother to our 4 beautiful children.
    I was 27 and he's 40 when we get married in 1993....

  • Ari

    Ari Melbourne

    I did a search 'why is marriage ordinary after 20 years' and stumbled across this article. I've since read all of the comments and stories and can relate with most of them. You are all heroic in your efforts and should be proud of that. Success is not in maintaining a marriage which is making you unhappy but learning from the experience and finding happiness within yourself whatever your decision. I have a loving, caring, beautiful wife who loves me and our children with all her heart. However I often feel unfulfilled, unloved, angry, mistreated etc. I've been trying to work this out for a number of years but haven't done so. I blame my wife for these feelings but deep inside I know it is not her fault. They are my feelings and I should deal with them and myself and not blame her. I believe there is something in our male DNA which is a result of the human condition and our long difficult past as a species, which causes this anger and frustration at our wives. It is also in part caused by a rapidly changing society and a change in roles that we're still trying to get adjusted to. This is a partial explanation not an excuse. Nothing can excuse me if my marriage failed because of my selfishness. The role of a husband of 20 years and Father is to be completely selfless and to love unconditionally. To love without seeking a reward or return. To love because it gives strength to those you care about most. My wife is a golden treasure who I love more than the life itself. I take advantage of her good nature because I know she also loves me and won't walk out on me when I'm having one of my moments. Your article is absolutely spot on and I will take your advice before it is too late for me. It has inspired me to change myself which is paramount to the future and success of our marriage. Thank you

    I did a search 'why is marriage ordinary after 20 years' and stumbled across this article.
    I've since read all of the comments and stories and can relate with most of them. You are all heroic in your efforts and should be proud of that. Success is not in maintaining a marriage which is making you unhappy but learning from the experience and finding happiness within yourself whatever your decision.

    I have a loving, caring, beautiful wife who loves me and our children with all her heart. However I often feel unfulfilled, unloved, angry, mistreated etc. I've been trying to work this out for a number of years but haven't done so. I blame my wife for these feelings but deep inside I know it is not her fault. They are my feelings and I should deal with them and myself and not blame her.

    I believe there is something in our male DNA which is a result of the human condition and our long difficult past as a species, which causes this anger and frustration at our wives. It is also in part caused by a rapidly changing society and a change in roles that we're still trying to get adjusted to. This is a partial explanation not an excuse.

    Nothing can excuse me if my marriage failed because of my selfishness. The role of a husband of 20 years and Father is to be completely selfless and to love unconditionally. To love without seeking a reward or return. To love because it gives strength to those you care about most.

    My wife is a golden treasure who I love more than the life itself. I take advantage of her good nature because I know she also loves me and won't walk out on me when I'm having one of my moments.

    Your article is absolutely spot on and I will take your advice before it is too late for me. It has inspired me to change myself which is paramount to the future and success of our marriage.

    Thank you

  • K

    K US

    What a bunch of assholes commenting on the woman's responsibilities. Nowhere in the article does he excuse the wife from an active part in the marriage. Anyone who's been married for any length of time understands that it's a two way street.

    What a bunch of assholes commenting on the woman's responsibilities. Nowhere in the article does he excuse the wife from an active part in the marriage. Anyone who's been married for any length of time understands that it's a two way street.

  • V. Rogers

    V. Rogers Michigan

    A bit much to expect from anyone. I don't know anyone who does all of the above. Seriously? Ask old people like me what makes a long marriage. Haha. You just stay. There you are.

    A bit much to expect from anyone. I don't know anyone who does all of the above. Seriously? Ask old people like me what makes a long marriage. Haha. You just stay. There you are.

  • Chris

    Chris Orange County, CA

    I have read both articles and can say that I whole heartedly agree with both. I have also read and can understand many of the negative or critical comments (the positive ones were nice to read as well). What I have to say is this, and keep in mind that I am a husband that does not deserve the title. I am the absolute bottom of crappy worthless husbands. Each spouse must give 100%, without a thought or want of ever receiving anything in return. This is love, this is unconditional love. Anything else is not earning that right to say "I love you". I got caught up in thinking compromise, and being a nice guy. I was always asking for less than I wanted and after compromise feeling I got even less. It did not matter the topic, most of the time it was something small like where to go for dinner. This did not help me to be a positive person; I withheld my positive input to the relationship and starved it of a valued/needed element. Like not giving a potted plant water. I created and caused ALL of the problems in my marriage. To all of the responders that say, "But what about them?" and point at their spouse when reading these articles and comments. Your mind set is WRONG, you are focused on yourself. You must be selfless. You love them, right? They are your life, correct? They are the other parent to your children. You would lay down your life to save theirs. Then trust them to give as much as you do. Do not expect (or even demand) that they give before you do OR as much as your do, it is the wrong mindset for marriage. AND if you’re are sitting thinking of yourself and responding to these articles with anything but openness and a willingness to give, you most likely are the one not giving as much, you are the weak side of your marriage. I know because I am the weak side of mine, I am not worth a thought in her head let alone a moment of her time. This is not self-loathing, but truth. If you knew all, you would agree. If any of us are to find that lottery winning marriage then we first must give all and hold nothing of value before the love or our spouse.

    I have read both articles and can say that I whole heartedly agree with both. I have also read and can understand many of the negative or critical comments (the positive ones were nice to read as well).

    What I have to say is this, and keep in mind that I am a husband that does not deserve the title. I am the absolute bottom of crappy worthless husbands.

    Each spouse must give 100%, without a thought or want of ever receiving anything in return. This is love, this is unconditional love. Anything else is not earning that right to say "I love you".

    I got caught up in thinking compromise, and being a nice guy. I was always asking for less than I wanted and after compromise feeling I got even less. It did not matter the topic, most of the time it was something small like where to go for dinner. This did not help me to be a positive person; I withheld my positive input to the relationship and starved it of a valued/needed element. Like not giving a potted plant water. I created and caused ALL of the problems in my marriage.

    To all of the responders that say, "But what about them?" and point at their spouse when reading these articles and comments. Your mind set is WRONG, you are focused on yourself. You must be selfless. You love them, right? They are your life, correct? They are the other parent to your children. You would lay down your life to save theirs. Then trust them to give as much as you do.

    Do not expect (or even demand) that they give before you do OR as much as your do, it is the wrong mindset for marriage. AND if you’re are sitting thinking of yourself and responding to these articles with anything but openness and a willingness to give, you most likely are the one not giving as much, you are the weak side of your marriage.

    I know because I am the weak side of mine, I am not worth a thought in her head let alone a moment of her time. This is not self-loathing, but truth. If you knew all, you would agree. If any of us are to find that lottery winning marriage then we first must give all and hold nothing of value before the love or our spouse.

  • R WINGS

    R WINGS Guam

    This is awaking factor for all that are in a marriage or once in a marriage. Question to asked ourselves is Did we miss the POINT? And Easy to say but difficult. All the above comments are one form or the other has its point of view. I too have ones view. I was married for 15 years and separated 6 years then finally divorce in 2008. It's very convincing when in writing when we express ourselves. But did we all miss the POINT? The lord gives highest value to works concretely done to alleviate the sufferings of the needy than to good intentions that remain just in our mind. Sometimes we fashion excellent plans spend hours of discussion, to brainstorm ideas to gather bright future for our families. But if they remain just in the drawing board eventually we will slowly separate from each other. How often do we praise our partners for something they have done without hearing it. Its meaningless no matter how often you say that you appreciate your partners thoughtfulness but don't even tell it in their presence when opportunity comes. It's a hollow impact even after having expressed that you are sorry without letting be known or heard when your partner is around. Telling the truth and making your partner happy is better than telling a lie and making your partner smile. Sometimes we have to lose a precious thing in order to gain something priceljess. Never take your partner for granted but hold your partner close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize you have lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones. We are missing the point we we spend so much time finding faults on our partners. Likewise the same thing is true when we are engaged in many works but forget to spend time in prayer to worship and glorify the LORD of the WORKS. The most difficult part of life is not when your partner doesn't understand you or fails you or perhaps disappoint you. Rather it is when you don't understand yourself. Bear in mind we are made of clay, imperfect and weak. Remember too that an ugly personality destroy a family. When you don't acknowledge your own limitations and mistakes and instead of accepting our faults we justify are rights. We allow the monster inside of us to take control- EGO. Furthermore don't let ourselves be enslaved by these other things; Money says "earn me, forget everything"; time says, "follow me, forget everything"; future says "focus on me, and forget everything". I strongly suggest we junk all of them but follow what the Son of the poor carpenter from Nazareth says, "just follow me, I'll give you everything". As it is said that GOD has a perfect timing, for he is never early and never late. It takes patience and a lot of faith, but it's worth the wait. Don't miss the POINT because the bible is clear "Love GOD and love your neighbor as yourself", in addition husband and wives you too should not miss the POINT; "Love one another and not love another one". Amen on that folks!!! Oh yes! Easy But Difficult, many things in life are easier said than done. We can express our thoughts and feelings in different ways, but to live what we teach and concretely do what we believe are definitely not as easy as putting two and two together. Ther are those who discredit themselves and even lose honor and respect because they do not do what they say-they offer only words without the backing of deeds. In other words they do not "walk their talk". It's easy to notice the mistakes of our partners, but difficult to see our own. We either justify our failing, deny or fault or blame our partner for our own errors. It is easy to point our fingers at our partner when something goes wrong, but difficult to see that three fingers point back at us. It has been said, ,no one is a good judge of himself or herself, for we want to be the hero not the villain". It is easy to hurt our love ones but difficult to heal the wound. Sometimes we do not realize the value of our love ones until it becomes a memory. It is easy to take our partners for granted, but difficult to redeem the lost opportunity. In a spate of anger it is easy to inflict pain or punishment on our partners but difficult to say sorry and express regret over our actions especially when pride gets in the way. It is easy to set rules but difficult to follow them. How many of us have known law-makers turn law-breakers? It is easy to give advice or suggest solutions over some concerns; but if we are victims of the same circumstances, we find it difficult to overcome them. It is easy for us to give orders, but sometimes difficult if we are the ones ordered to follow. It is easy to say we love, but difficult to show it concretely everyday. Hard as it may seem, but does not true love make difficult things easy? Love has the power to soften even the hardest of hearts, for love makes everything lovely and lively. When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace. They say a man can love a million girls, but only a real man can love one girl in a million ways. It is easy to make a mistake but difficult to learn from them. Other people see a mistake as a defeat, an imperfection, dumbness and even a shame, a reason why sometimes some fall into discouragement and lose hope in life especially when the blunder is serious. It takes humility to accept mistake as a mistake, and it takes courage to covert it to potency. We all commit mistakes either intentionally or otherwise. Sometimes we have to shut up, swallow our pride and accept that we are wrong. It is not giving up bu rather it is called growing up. On another note, let us remember that life is not always easy or difficult, but rather a combination of both. When life gives a hundred reasons to cry, show life show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. The worst feeling is not being lonely when life is difficult, but being forgotten by someone you can not forget. Find a heart that would easily loves you at your worst, and arms that will, hold you at your weakest. Everyday may not be good, but there is always good in everyday. And when friends do something wrong, do not forget the things they did right. In times of prosperity let us learn to give, not because we have much, but we know exactly how it feels to have nothing. Amen on that folks!!! Thanks Fr. Joel .

    This is awaking factor for all that are in a marriage or once in a marriage. Question to asked ourselves is Did we miss the POINT? And Easy to say but difficult. All the above comments are one form or the other has its point of view. I too have ones view. I was married for 15 years and separated 6 years then finally divorce in 2008. It's very convincing when in writing when we express ourselves. But did we all miss the POINT? The lord gives highest value to works concretely done to alleviate the sufferings of the needy than to good intentions that remain just in our mind. Sometimes we fashion excellent plans spend hours of discussion, to brainstorm ideas to gather bright future for our families. But if they remain just in the drawing board eventually we will slowly separate from each other. How often do we praise our partners for something they have done without hearing it. Its meaningless no matter how often you say that you appreciate your partners thoughtfulness but don't even tell it in their presence when opportunity comes. It's a hollow impact even after having expressed that you are sorry without letting be known or heard when your partner is around. Telling the truth and making your partner happy is better than telling a lie and making your partner smile. Sometimes we have to lose a precious thing in order to gain something priceljess. Never take your partner for granted but hold your partner close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize you have lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones. We are missing the point we we spend so much time finding faults on our partners. Likewise the same thing is true when we are engaged in many works but forget to spend time in prayer to worship and glorify the LORD of the WORKS. The most difficult part of life is not when your partner doesn't understand you or fails you or perhaps disappoint you. Rather it is when you don't understand yourself. Bear in mind we are made of clay, imperfect and weak. Remember too that an ugly personality destroy a family. When you don't acknowledge your own limitations and mistakes and instead of accepting our faults we justify are rights. We allow the monster inside of us to take control- EGO. Furthermore don't let ourselves be enslaved by these other things; Money says "earn me, forget everything"; time says, "follow me, forget everything"; future says "focus on me, and forget everything". I strongly suggest we junk all of them but follow what the Son of the poor carpenter from Nazareth says, "just follow me, I'll give you everything". As it is said that GOD has a perfect timing, for he is never early and never late. It takes patience and a lot of faith, but it's worth the wait. Don't miss the POINT because the bible is clear "Love GOD and love your neighbor as yourself", in addition husband and wives you too should not miss the POINT; "Love one another and not love another one". Amen on that folks!!!
    Oh yes! Easy But Difficult, many things in life are easier said than done. We can express our thoughts and feelings in different ways, but to live what we teach and concretely do what we believe are definitely not as easy as putting two and two together. Ther are those who discredit themselves and even lose honor and respect because they do not do what they say-they offer only words without the backing of deeds. In other words they do not "walk their talk". It's easy to notice the mistakes of our partners, but difficult to see our own. We either justify our failing, deny or fault or blame our partner for our own errors. It is easy to point our fingers at our partner when something goes wrong, but difficult to see that three fingers point back at us. It has been said, ,no one is a good judge of himself or herself, for we want to be the hero not the villain". It is easy to hurt our love ones but difficult to heal the wound. Sometimes we do not realize the value of our love ones until it becomes a memory. It is easy to take our partners for granted, but difficult to redeem the lost opportunity. In a spate of anger it is easy to inflict pain or punishment on our partners but difficult to say sorry and express regret over our actions especially when pride gets in the way. It is easy to set rules but difficult to follow them. How many of us have known law-makers turn law-breakers? It is easy to give advice or suggest solutions over some concerns; but if we are victims of the same circumstances, we find it difficult to overcome them. It is easy for us to give orders, but sometimes difficult if we are the ones ordered to follow. It is easy to say we love, but difficult to show it concretely everyday. Hard as it may seem, but does not true love make difficult things easy? Love has the power to soften even the hardest of hearts, for love makes everything lovely and lively. When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace. They say a man can love a million girls, but only a real man can love one girl in a million ways. It is easy to make a mistake but difficult to learn from them. Other people see a mistake as a defeat, an imperfection, dumbness and even a shame, a reason why sometimes some fall into discouragement and lose hope in life especially when the blunder is serious. It takes humility to accept mistake as a mistake, and it takes courage to covert it to potency. We all commit mistakes either intentionally or otherwise. Sometimes we have to shut up, swallow our pride and accept that we are wrong. It is not giving up bu rather it is called growing up. On another note, let us remember that life is not always easy or difficult, but rather a combination of both. When life gives a hundred reasons to cry, show life show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. The worst feeling is not being lonely when life is difficult, but being forgotten by someone you can not forget. Find a heart that would easily loves you at your worst, and arms that will, hold you at your weakest. Everyday may not be good, but there is always good in everyday. And when friends do something wrong, do not forget the things they did right. In times of prosperity let us learn to give, not because we have much, but we know exactly how it feels to have nothing. Amen on that folks!!! Thanks Fr. Joel

    .

  • Confused

    Confused Alabama

    I am a women(25). I have been married for an year now.my husband I a moody guy.he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.he just want to sit home and watch tv.I adjust all the time saying myself that he is tired and needs rest on weekends.he don't know what I like,never shares his feelings with me.an introvert,never encourage me to do anything,never ever appreciated any of the sprites I did for him.I am young and lonely inspire of having a husband.am I expecting too much? Am I not being practical?I don't know..married people for years please help me to clear out my head.thanks

    I am a women(25). I have been married for an year now.my husband I a moody guy.he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.he just want to sit home and watch tv.I adjust all the time saying myself that he is tired and needs rest on weekends.he don't know what I like,never shares his feelings with me.an introvert,never encourage me to do anything,never ever appreciated any of the sprites I did for him.I am young and lonely inspire of having a husband.am I expecting too much? Am I not being practical?I don't know..married people for years please help me to clear out my head.thanks

  • Charlotte

    Charlotte UK

    To the lady above who said that sex is a 'perk' in marriage: it isn't. It is the cement that binds the couple together, not a reward for good behaviour. That it usually requires harmony for it to happen does not take away from how integral it is. Even if you don't feel turned on - unless you are upset and need to talk - work at being available. Not cheap, but available.

    To the lady above who said that sex is a 'perk' in marriage: it isn't. It is the cement that binds the couple together, not a reward for good behaviour. That it usually requires harmony for it to happen does not take away from how integral it is. Even if you don't feel turned on - unless you are upset and need to talk - work at being available. Not cheap, but available.

  • jerry

    jerry u.s.

    Too one sided for me. I tried many of these things in marriage resulting in burnout, depression, anxiety and a divorce. Do we ever think what a man needs in marriage?

    Too one sided for me. I tried many of these things in marriage resulting in burnout, depression, anxiety and a divorce. Do we ever think what a man needs in marriage?

  • Bel

    Bel Sydney

    What if you struggle to enjoy sex with you husband but he is a gorgeous dad and does love me ??

    What if you struggle to enjoy sex with you husband but he is a gorgeous dad and does love me ??

  • Kev

    Kev Texas

    I gave everything I have to her. Not trying to change her,just hoping that she would appreciate me. 12 yrs later im still in the same boat. Going through this divorce is tearing me up. Why? Because I love her. I always will. I know that im supposed to fight through it,but I dont want to live the rest of my life miserable,sad,and always wanting someone to share everything with. And in return gain respect and appreciation...and a kind of love that last forever. Love is a word that is tossed around to remind people that everything is ok. Its a word that I want to say, and her to know I do. And when she says it....I know

    I gave everything I have to her. Not trying to change her,just hoping that she would appreciate me. 12 yrs later im still in the same boat. Going through this divorce is tearing me up. Why? Because I love her. I always will. I know that im supposed to fight through it,but I dont want to live the rest of my life miserable,sad,and always wanting someone to share everything with. And in return gain respect and appreciation...and a kind of love that last forever. Love is a word that is tossed around to remind people that everything is ok. Its a word that I want to say, and her to know I do. And when she says it....I know

  • Avermonter

    Avermonter Bermknt

    Dominique is correct!! The commenters are missing the point! A person can only be responsible for himself!! The author is not stating marriage is a two - way street. He is speaking from his own perspective and how he can change- not how he can change someone else: because he can't change others. The comments that down play ones ownership in a marriage and put it on the other person are resentful and they still hicks on the other person as the culprit. It is evident the author has insight, growth and focuses on what he can change.

    Dominique is correct!! The commenters are missing the point! A person can only be responsible for himself!! The author is not stating marriage is a two - way street. He is speaking from his own perspective and how he can change- not how he can change someone else: because he can't change others. The comments that down play ones ownership in a marriage and put it on the other person are resentful and they still hicks on the other person as the culprit. It is evident the author has insight, growth and focuses on what he can change.

  • Linnie

    Linnie Dorset

    Marriage sounds like hard work reading through these threads. I was married for many years and have been happily single for many years. It seems to me that one is happy in any situation, including marriage, when your reality matches your expectations. Do people expect too much from marriage? I think many do. Relationships only work when two people meet each other's needs........they may start off meeting each other's needs, but needs change .......then there are the personality factors. Although we are attracted to opposites and it can work for friends, in a marriage it seems to help when people have similar values, outlook and interests. There are times when I think it would be wonderful to have that special someone, but experience has taught me that it is not easy to make it work so I prefer to stay single! My dog is a wonderful companion and my friends and family are a big part of my life. There are alternatives to marriage.

    Marriage sounds like hard work reading through these threads. I was married for many years and have been happily single for many years. It seems to me that one is happy in any situation, including marriage, when your reality matches your expectations. Do people expect too much from marriage? I think many do. Relationships only work when two people meet each other's needs........they may start off meeting each other's needs, but needs change .......then there are the personality factors. Although we are attracted to opposites and it can work for friends, in a marriage it seems to help when people have similar values, outlook and interests.
    There are times when I think it would be wonderful to have that special someone, but experience has taught me that it is not easy to make it work so I prefer to stay single! My dog is a wonderful companion and my friends and family are a big part of my life. There are alternatives to marriage.

  • Claudiu

    Claudiu Sydney

    To V. Rogers: the most complex answer. It has it all. Thank God that you still exist.

    To V. Rogers: the most complex answer. It has it all. Thank God that you still exist.

  • Patrick

    Patrick Cape Town

    Fools (men) that think they are only there to serve woman. They don't know what they want, when they think they do and then get it its all wrong. A husband will never win no matter how good he is simply because woman believe they're special and should be treated as such. All they bring to a marriage is a vagina with a very high price tag. Get divorced, and see how your kids disappear, money business and the likes. Guys, the game is rigged but if you really want to get married see a lawyer before marriage. Keep your money safe as the majority of woman are looking for early retirement based on prostitution. Heathens, liars and self entitled weaklings that that think the world owes them. Been there done that as far as marriage is concerned and now having the best time ever rebuilding my life and business.

    Fools (men) that think they are only there to serve woman. They don't know what they want, when they think they do and then get it its all wrong. A husband will never win no matter how good he is simply because woman believe they're special and should be treated as such. All they bring to a marriage is a vagina with a very high price tag. Get divorced, and see how your kids disappear, money business and the likes. Guys, the game is rigged but if you really want to get married see a lawyer before marriage. Keep your money safe as the majority of woman are looking for early retirement based on prostitution. Heathens, liars and self entitled weaklings that that think the world owes them. Been there done that as far as marriage is concerned and now having the best time ever rebuilding my life and business.

  • Lisa Hilton

    Lisa Hilton Usa New York

    I need someone to share my life with and to lean on. I have been hurt by many men they say to promise heaven and earth they pretend to be good to be carry along, but along the way they show their real color. I am single and have no man at the moment. I know there is a man for me out there... Contact me pls and let make this happen thanks

    I need someone to share my life with and to lean on. I have been hurt by many men they say to promise heaven and earth they pretend to be good to be carry along, but along the way they show their real color. I am single and have no man at the moment. I know there is a man for me out there... Contact me pls and let make this happen thanks

  • Chuck

    Chuck Surf City, USA

    Good mutual advice for both busband and wife to follow. It is easier to point the finger than it is to look in the mirror. It does take 2 to tango, but one can change the dance. Losing the love and respect of your spouse is like the erosion of the Grand Canyon. It takes time and is slow and subtle but before you know it, there is a gulf between you. Bit by bit, one day at a time, like rubbing wood with fine sandpaper, you wear away the patience, respect, encouragement, and love and replace them with anger, bitterness, resentment, and eventually compete break down and separation. I just woke up from a 37 year nap to the sound of the slamming front door as my beloved wife left me to be with another man who met the emotional needs I never even recognized. It is too late for me. Fathers, teach your sons. Mothers, teach your daughters. Love is work. It is like a garden. You fertilize it, and water it, and protect it from pests and it blossoms into a thing of beauty that can take your breath away. Be lazy, ignore it, don't cherish it, and it turns into an ugly weed patch. It is what you make it. Neither partner owes the other anything. Both make the investment in order to reap the returns. It does take two to make it work but it only takes one to destroy it.

    Good mutual advice for both busband and wife to follow. It is easier to point the finger than it is to look in the mirror. It does take 2 to tango, but one can change the dance. Losing the love and respect of your spouse is like the erosion of the Grand Canyon. It takes time and is slow and subtle but before you know it, there is a gulf between you. Bit by bit, one day at a time, like rubbing wood with fine sandpaper, you wear away the patience, respect, encouragement, and love and replace them with anger, bitterness, resentment, and eventually compete break down and separation. I just woke up from a 37 year nap to the sound of the slamming front door as my beloved wife left me to be with another man who met the emotional needs I never even recognized. It is too late for me. Fathers, teach your sons. Mothers, teach your daughters. Love is work. It is like a garden. You fertilize it, and water it, and protect it from pests and it blossoms into a thing of beauty that can take your breath away. Be lazy, ignore it, don't cherish it, and it turns into an ugly weed patch. It is what you make it. Neither partner owes the other anything. Both make the investment in order to reap the returns. It does take two to make it work but it only takes one to destroy it.

  • Blaine

    Blaine Canada

    So True Chuck...Almost 30 years and 3 wonderful sons and my beautiful wife has left me. It does take 2 and both need to follow this advice. Life shapes who you are, true love depends on true connection. I lost my connection, my soul mate because of life. Men...you must be 75% - 25% emotional, women are completely emotional beings and we need to work constantly on what comes natural to them. I will never stop loving my wife, my soul mate, however I lost her forever...Men take this advice, don't have a broken heart like mine :(

    So True Chuck...Almost 30 years and 3 wonderful sons and my beautiful wife has left me. It does take 2 and both need to follow this advice. Life shapes who you are, true love depends on true connection. I lost my connection, my soul mate because of life. Men...you must be 75% - 25% emotional, women are completely emotional beings and we need to work constantly on what comes natural to them. I will never stop loving my wife, my soul mate, however I lost her forever...Men take this advice, don't have a broken heart like mine frown

  • Rick

    Rick

    I'm torn and don't know what to do. I'm married to a great and wonderful woman for 41 years. My circumstances are unusual. 33 years ago I met someone and had a short affair. Back then I realized I was beginning to fall in love with her. My life began to deteriorate because of health problems and I didn't see her ever again. My health problem baffled all of medicine and I spent the next 18 years in bed.I took it upon myself to find out why I was so sick and I did. Main stream medicine was killing me as they are most of you. I began to educate myself in Natural Medicine and this is where the answers and solutions were! Very slowly and over a long period of time I began to improve my health. I have a rare genetic disorder that can't be cured,but I have treated it with some success. I'm no longer in bed and I'm trying to return to a more normal life. For some unknown reason I've become consumed and almost obsessed at times thinking about this other woman. I just can't let go of this! Nothing or no one has ever affected me like this! Not ever! This woman was absolutely gorgeous and very sexual. If I hadn't got sick I would not be married to the woman I'm married to today. This overwhelming desire to find out more about her after 33 years, drove me to do some research. Facebook was a good source. I tried to message her to say hello. A short time after, her page was taken down. This was hurtful and disappointing. I did learn she's been married twice and has two adult daughters. Her second divorce has been in the last couple of years and I'm guessing she's single. I saw a picture of her on another Facebook page and she's as beautiful as she was 33years ago. That picture of her, only threw gasoline on this flaming desire to see her. She lives less than six miles from me. I drive by her house occasionally hoping to get a glimpse of her. No luck yet. As I said in the beginning my wife is truly a wonderful wife,mother,person! She has sacrificed her life to take care of me. She is my best friend,my confidant,my care taker and my lover! I don’t love her the way I once did and don't know why! I’m a touchy,feely,huggie,holding ,kissing kind of person! I’m deeply affectionate! She is not! Never has been! Today I need these personal loving qualities more than ever! I cannot hurt her in any way! But I’m torn by my feelings for this other woman. This other woman may want nothing to do with me and that would resolve that! Something inside me says otherwise! I’m working on creating a clandestine meeting, it’s very difficult. If I only knew where she worked! If I act on my feelings to see this other woman then it will cause serious pain not only in my wife but my 25 yr old daughter. If I don’t, then I remain in pain. If nothing comes of my pursuit of this other woman then I will find someone else! This burning desire to be held,caressed and kissed by someone else is killing me! I just don’t know what to do! Life travels at warped speed! Then it's over!

    I'm torn and don't know what to do. I'm married to a great and wonderful woman for 41 years. My circumstances are unusual. 33 years ago I met someone and had a short affair. Back then I realized I was beginning to fall in love with her. My life began to deteriorate because of health problems and I didn't see her ever again. My health problem baffled all of medicine and I spent the next 18 years in bed.I took it upon myself to find out why I was so sick and I did. Main stream medicine was killing me as they are most of you. I began to educate myself in Natural Medicine and this is where the answers and solutions were! Very slowly and over a long period of time I began to improve my health. I have a rare genetic disorder that can't be cured,but I have treated it with some success. I'm no longer in bed and I'm trying to return to a more normal life. For some unknown reason I've become consumed and almost obsessed at times thinking about this other woman. I just can't let go of this! Nothing or no one has ever affected me like this! Not ever! This woman was absolutely gorgeous and very sexual. If I hadn't got sick I would not be married to the woman I'm married to today. This overwhelming desire to find out more about her after 33 years, drove me to do some research. Facebook was a good source. I tried to message her to say hello. A short time after, her page was taken down. This was hurtful and disappointing. I did learn she's been married twice and has two adult daughters. Her second divorce has been in the last couple of years and I'm guessing she's single. I saw a picture of her on another Facebook page and she's as beautiful as she was 33years ago. That picture of her, only threw gasoline on this flaming desire to see her. She lives less than six miles from me. I drive by her house occasionally hoping to get a glimpse of her. No luck yet. As I said in the beginning my wife is truly a wonderful wife,mother,person! She has sacrificed her life to take care of me. She is my best friend,my confidant,my care taker and my lover! I don’t love her the way I once did and don't know why! I’m a touchy,feely,huggie,holding ,kissing kind of person! I’m deeply affectionate! She is not! Never has been! Today I need these personal loving qualities more than ever! I cannot hurt her in any way! But I’m torn by my feelings for this other woman. This other woman may want nothing to do with me and that would resolve that! Something inside me says otherwise! I’m working on creating a clandestine meeting, it’s very difficult. If I only knew where she worked! If I act on my feelings to see this other woman then it will cause serious pain not only in my wife but my 25 yr old daughter. If I don’t, then I remain in pain. If nothing comes of my pursuit of this other woman then I will find someone else! This burning desire to be held,caressed and kissed by someone else is killing me! I just don’t know what to do! Life travels at warped speed! Then it's over!

  • Socrates

    Socrates Karachi

    Very good advice. Its all a 2 way street. Drop all the drama not just the clothes, and be normal, but be caring, helpful and courteous and kind to each other. The traffic gets thick at times, so drive with calm and caution. Mistakes are regular, so love each other with those mistakes by laughing them off. Dont get too serious, we all kick the bucket! This is the Main Highway of life, ENJOY the ride. Look around at the wonderful colours, the fragrances and the sights. And actually thank God you have yourselves. Love and respect, no matter what ! Bon vovage !

    Very good advice. Its all a 2 way street. Drop all the drama not just the clothes, and be normal, but be caring, helpful and courteous and kind to each other. The traffic gets thick at times, so drive with calm and caution. Mistakes are regular, so love each other with those mistakes by laughing them off. Dont get too serious, we all kick the bucket! This is the Main Highway of life, ENJOY the ride. Look around at the wonderful colours, the fragrances and the sights. And actually thank God you have yourselves. Love and respect, no matter what ! Bon vovage !

  • Socrates

    Socrates Karachi

    To Robin from Dhaka. Relax, if she has dropped her panties for another/other guys, doesnt mean she doesnt love you no more. She may have a wild streak, she may be tired of fried eggs every day, she may not be getting enough from you (not just times, but quality and variation), you may not be romantic enough, not coming to bed smelling fresh, not lifting her spirits, not talking to her about this whole big world. Go hug her, tell her its ok, IF THE 2 OF YOU CHANGE-for the better, for each other, and for your only child. Wisdom not War. LOVE.

    To Robin from Dhaka.
    Relax, if she has dropped her panties for another/other guys, doesnt mean she doesnt love you no more. She may have a wild streak, she may be tired of fried eggs every day, she may not be getting enough from you (not just times, but quality and variation), you may not be romantic enough, not coming to bed smelling fresh, not lifting her spirits, not talking to her about this whole big world. Go hug her, tell her its ok, IF THE 2 OF YOU CHANGE-for the better, for each other, and for your only child. Wisdom not War. LOVE.

  • Socrates

    Socrates Karachi

    To Lisa Hilton, New York I may be 12000 miles away but can get close thanks to the wires. There are good men everywhere. Can advise you where to begin looking, what to do to bring the good out in any man. 'He' may be living in your block, or even under your nose. You need to look with loving eyes. But dont worry, you will find him, as long as you understand, thereare no people around that fit your wish-list ! Life is filled with colors, try liking them all, not just your favorites. They will bring your smile back! Love, that is the key. Am always there at walidansari77@gmail.com Drop a real line and enjoy the advice in stride. Cheers to a cheery life ! Ciao

    To Lisa Hilton, New York
    I may be 12000 miles away but can get close thanks to the wires. There are good men everywhere. Can advise you where to begin looking, what to do to bring the good out in any man. 'He' may be living in your block, or even under your nose. You need to look with loving eyes. But dont worry, you will find him, as long as you understand, thereare no people around that fit your wish-list ! Life is filled with colors, try liking them all, not just your favorites. They will bring your smile back! Love, that is the key. Am always there at walidansari77@gmail.com Drop a real line and enjoy the advice in stride. Cheers to a cheery life ! Ciao

  • Socrates

    Socrates Karachi

    To Bel in Sydney, Get a common friend to give that gorgeous husband the Kamasutra, but he must never know you sent it. Or start getting flirty with him girl, he may not be the communicative kind of husband! Put some meat on the table, a whole roast maybe, and see him 'tear' it apart. Will lead to great culminations! Jump him on his happy days, take him out, not just in! Bite him on the neck, leave lip-stick marks on his chest, tell him you also need a lion at times to 'maul' you! Bon apetite, to the two of you!

    To Bel in Sydney,
    Get a common friend to give that gorgeous husband the Kamasutra, but he must never know you sent it. Or start getting flirty with him girl, he may not be the communicative kind of husband! Put some meat on the table, a whole roast maybe, and see him 'tear' it apart. Will lead to great culminations! Jump him on his happy days, take him out, not just in! Bite him on the neck, leave lip-stick marks on his chest, tell him you also need a lion at times to 'maul' you! Bon apetite, to the two of you!

  • Socrates

    Socrates Karachi

    To Ms.Confused from Alabama, Yes lonely is no good, so call friends over for dinner frequently adding his closest buddies to the menu. See if any of them likes to go out and induce them to suggest an outing to anything, anywhere. You have to strike the right chord. Second a good idea. Say "yayy" to a good plan. Maybe a very short vacation with friends in a group. Make a small caring, loving community that moves together to places at least a few times a year, something to look forward to always. You may find your own ways once you get rolling. Go girl, give him your all. Ciao.

    To Ms.Confused from Alabama,
    Yes lonely is no good, so call friends over for dinner frequently adding his closest buddies to the menu. See if any of them likes to go out and induce them to suggest an outing to anything, anywhere. You have to strike the right chord. Second a good idea. Say "yayy" to a good plan. Maybe a very short vacation with friends in a group. Make a small caring, loving community that moves together to places at least a few times a year, something to look forward to always. You may find your own ways once you get rolling. Go girl, give him your all. Ciao.

  • Johanna

    Johanna USA

    This is a beautifully written piece of advice that is applicable to men and women in relationships. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's so easy to get caught up in daily distractions - thoughts and activities that don't matter and that don't serve your relationship. This is a nice reminder to cherish what is important.

    This is a beautifully written piece of advice that is applicable to men and women in relationships. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's so easy to get caught up in daily distractions - thoughts and activities that don't matter and that don't serve your relationship. This is a nice reminder to cherish what is important.

  • Cem

    Cem Illinois

    I have learned after 24 years of marriage That we are still at day 1 in our marriage Our marriage has not matured I have grown and my husband refuse to grow Compromise or go to counseling Or confide in me He is very secretive Always has been and in denial when i mentioned it I told him that i want more and let reinvent ourselves again And he said no

    I have learned after 24 years of marriage
    That we are still at day 1 in our marriage
    Our marriage has not matured
    I have grown and my husband refuse to grow
    Compromise or go to counseling
    Or confide in me
    He is very secretive
    Always has been and in denial when i mentioned it
    I told him that i want more and let reinvent ourselves again
    And he said no

  • CEM

    CEM Illinois

    This is for Rick You say your wife are all things Yet you want to go after someone that you had a brief affair 33 years ago How do you know this woman want to see you And when you facebook her she took her page down I am glad you are feelin better now mentally But I believe your wife deserve a chance to respond to your physical needs or for you to seek counseling Because marriage is for better or worse Sickness and in health She was there's for you and never let your side And now you want to throw this all away for something that happen 3 decades ago

    This is for Rick
    You say your wife are all things
    Yet you want to go after someone that you had a brief affair 33 years ago
    How do you know this woman want to see you
    And when you facebook her she took her page down
    I am glad you are feelin better now mentally
    But I believe your wife deserve a chance to respond to your physical needs or for you to seek counseling
    Because marriage is for better or worse
    Sickness and in health
    She was there's for you and never let your side
    And now you want to throw this all away for something that happen 3 decades ago

  • Sharrona

    Sharrona Australia

    seriously wishing all men were like this. What a special guy :)

    seriously wishing all men were like this. What a special guy smile

  • Deborah

    Deborah Philadelphia, PA.

    This really hit home for me as my marriage of going on six years is ending. I think most, if not all of your suggestions should go both ways. Marriage is certainly not 50%50%. Anything less than 100%-100% is destined for failure. Thank you for your advice. For next time.

    This really hit home for me as my marriage of going on six years is ending. I think most, if not all of your suggestions should go both ways. Marriage is certainly not 50%50%. Anything less than 100%-100% is destined for failure. Thank you for your advice. For next time.

  • Genghis

    Genghis

    Totally transparent? Should you telll her you that you think about having sex with her friends?

    Totally transparent? Should you telll her you that you think about having sex with her friends?

  • Buddha

    Buddha Heaven at heart

    Holy article, I am getting married soon, super-excited!!! Here to learn from other people experience and apply the best to our life and love my queen with all my heart and soul! Good luck everyone, be happy forever!

    Holy article, I am getting married soon, super-excited!!! Here to learn from other people experience and apply the best to our life and love my queen with all my heart and soul! Good luck everyone, be happy forever!

  • mj

    mj uk

    This hit home with me. At first I read it and thought what you looking for me to be a door mat but if you apply in the right way the respect will be there both ways and there's so much to work towards. Thank you

    This hit home with me. At first I read it and thought what you looking for me to be a door mat but if you apply in the right way the respect will be there both ways and there's so much to work towards. Thank you

  • Joe

    Joe Florida

    I decided to share although - like us all - my situation was a bit unique . I will say emphatically, no matter the circumstances always trust your instincts - make the right decision no matter how hard - in the long run, being TRUE to yourself always pays off. My divorce should be finalized in about 1 month.. But I knew the day was coming within the first couple months of our relationship. Sounds crazy I know. I was just out of a relationship about 6 months with a less than 3 year old daughter 16 years ago. Was hurting. Room mates with a close friends friend. After a month of talking, getting to know each other we started fooling around. She stopped taking BC . We were pregnant within 3 months of knowing each other. She originally claimed it was a fluke, they changed the type of BC and she was on antibiotics but I knew the truth in my heart which she eventually admitted. I5t years later, 2 more children including a very young one now she is wants out.. I talked and begged her the entir 15 to stay and that things would get better.. Sadly they never did and it's over... Everyone is hurting but her. But th moral of the story is I should have left a long time ago.. Now I have a mountain I don't know I can climb.. Always follow your gut no matter how difficult and painful

    I decided to share although - like us all - my situation was a bit unique . I will say emphatically, no matter the circumstances always trust your instincts - make the right decision no matter how hard - in the long run, being TRUE to yourself always pays off. My divorce should be finalized in about 1 month.. But I knew the day was coming within the first couple months of our relationship. Sounds crazy I know. I was just out of a relationship about 6 months with a less than 3 year old daughter 16 years ago. Was hurting. Room mates with a close friends friend. After a month of talking, getting to know each other we started fooling around. She stopped taking BC . We were pregnant within 3 months of knowing each other. She originally claimed it was a fluke, they changed the type of BC and she was on antibiotics but I knew the truth in my heart which she eventually admitted. I5t years later, 2 more children including a very young one now she is wants out.. I talked and begged her the entir 15 to stay and that things would get better.. Sadly they never did and it's over... Everyone is hurting but her. But th moral of the story is I should have left a long time ago.. Now I have a mountain I don't know I can climb.. Always follow your gut no matter how difficult and painful

  • Mike

    Mike California

    I'm sorry but this will never work if the woman does not do the same for her man. If she thinks she always right and cannot be introspective or question herself and her own actions then why should the man make a fool of himself by always being the one to forgive and basically be a supplicant to the woman? forget it.

    I'm sorry but this will never work if the woman does not do the same for her man. If she thinks she always right and cannot be introspective or question herself and her own actions then why should the man make a fool of himself by always being the one to forgive and basically be a supplicant to the woman? forget it.

  • miserablymarried

    miserablymarried Virginia

    Sorry..I feel like she just wasnt into me anymore. its a two way street, its not something you can "control" by what you do or dont do. I was a better person and had a better life before her than after her. For example, when I made jokes she never laughed, when I "took her" sexually, she told me she hated that. Space? no problem, she could ignore me for weeks. When I was silly, she criticized me. So although youprobably think it ws all your fault for not controlling the relationship by your actions..there was another person involved, and maybe she could have worked a little too if she cared.

    Sorry..I feel like she just wasnt into me anymore. its a two way street, its not something you can "control" by what you do or dont do. I was a better person and had a better life before her than after her. For example, when I made jokes she never laughed, when I "took her" sexually, she told me she hated that. Space? no problem, she could ignore me for weeks. When I was silly, she criticized me. So although youprobably think it ws all your fault for not controlling the relationship by your actions..there was another person involved, and maybe she could have worked a little too if she cared.

  • William

    William Tennessee

    Although I can see the point behind this article, it does paint some very unrealistic expectations for men. A wife that makes the same sacrifices is worthy of these things from her husband. But, many women will read this, feel empowered, and expect these standards without any commitment on their part. Life along with marriage is far to complicated to try and sum it up with 20 rules. The family is being destroyed because of entitlement, selfishness, and poor judgement from both men and women. Until we begin to see each other as human beings, as equal, and stop this war of the sexes, things will only get worse.

    Although I can see the point behind this article, it does paint some very unrealistic expectations for men. A wife that makes the same sacrifices is worthy of these things from her husband. But, many women will read this, feel empowered, and expect these standards without any commitment on their part. Life along with marriage is far to complicated to try and sum it up with 20 rules. The family is being destroyed because of entitlement, selfishness, and poor judgement from both men and women. Until we begin to see each other as human beings, as equal, and stop this war of the sexes, things will only get worse.

  • Tina

    Tina uk

    I'm seeing a bloke from work have been for 2 yrs. But I'm married there is no love between myself and my husband. I'm more of a slave than a wife. I'm going to leave the husband and move in with the other guy who i love. He also feels the same as me.after being separate from husband for 2 yrs will it be a legal separation,

    I'm seeing a bloke from work have been for 2 yrs. But I'm married there is no love between myself and my husband. I'm more of a slave than a wife. I'm going to leave the husband and move in with the other guy who i love. He also feels the same as me.after being separate from husband for 2 yrs will it be a legal separation,

  • Hope

    Hope Idaho

    I've been married 17 years got merried young it is hard to tell a story with out the other side but im still married have three kids and Emotionally he has broken me down i now it was time to leave long time ago but how do you your heart to stop loving him

    I've been married 17 years got merried young it is hard to tell a story with out the other side but im still married have three kids and
    Emotionally he has broken me down i now it was time to leave long time ago but how do you your heart to stop loving him

  • JOANA

    JOANA ACCRA, GHANA

    THIS IS ALL TRUE, BUT WOMEN SOMETIMES MUST TRY SO BE THE SAME FOR THEIR MEN. ITS A TWO WAY THING. AM MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS

    THIS IS ALL TRUE, BUT WOMEN SOMETIMES MUST TRY SO BE THE SAME FOR THEIR MEN. ITS A TWO WAY THING. AM MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS

  • Mak

    Mak Amman, Jordan

    We are both college graduates and have been happily married for 39 years with four children who have graduated from the top twenty US universities including Harvard. Our relationship was based on true love and common priorities. Our first priority was to try to give our children best chances of life and education with no discrimination between males and females. We continued loving each other emotionally spiritually and physically. I was a workaholic person and the only bread earner but never failed to take care of my wife and children. She was behind me in every challenge and failure. We always respected our in laws but we never shared them our problems. In fact our problems between each other was solved only by ourselves. We had good relationships with all our friends but kept them at a distance. The most successful and lasting relationships can be summarized in the following wisdom: " The best relationship is when your love to each other exceeds your need to each other ". One should only get married if one feels that they both can melt into each other with no difference and build a family and both should be responsible enough to face challenges. I solved many problems between our married friends and I am available if anyone wants to consult me with any problem.

    We are both college graduates and have been happily married for 39 years with four children who have graduated from the top twenty US universities including Harvard. Our relationship was based on true love and common priorities. Our first priority was to try to give our children best chances of life and education with no discrimination between males and females. We continued loving each other emotionally spiritually and physically. I was a workaholic person and the only bread earner but never failed to take care of my wife and children. She was behind me in every challenge and failure. We always respected our in laws but we never shared them our problems. In fact our problems between each other was solved only by ourselves. We had good relationships with all our friends but kept them at a distance. The most successful and lasting relationships can be summarized in the following wisdom:
    " The best relationship is when your love to each other exceeds your need to each other ".
    One should only get married if one feels that they both can melt into each other with no difference and build a family and both should be responsible enough to face challenges.
    I solved many problems between our married friends and I am available if anyone wants to consult me with any problem.

  • DD

    DD India

    An excellent advice from an experienced person. All shall follow - both Husband and Wife

    An excellent advice from an experienced person. All shall follow - both Husband and Wife

  • Luke

    Luke Uk

    After 15 years of marriage. I feel my life ended 15 years ago. she told me that she dreamt of having my children but here I am 15 years later and childless. It was her career, her family issues, and everything else. She is immature and selfish, in fact it turns out to be a common trait in her family. They did a good job hiding this from me until I got married.2 years in the marriage I should have divorced her, but I thought things could change but they didn't. We have the same problems that we had 13 years ago, except she blames me for our childless status (she honestly thinks that intercourse once a year can lead to pregnancy), though I have now given up on being a father as it has been over three years now since I've even held my wife's hand let alone get intimate. Your steps in your article refer to a wife who is a least of sound mind. What do you when your wife has no empathy and is immature? She's changed jobs again as she is never happy, and always finds issues. This time it was supposed to be her dream job, but yet again it's all about her having a fulfilling job rather than the fact that we married in our early 30, and I thought we would start a family, but I was wrong, there was always some issue. I'm approaching 50 in the next couple of years, she has robbed me of being a father. I feel ashamed of my life and have distanced myself from friends and family as she has a different persona in public, people think that's she's fragile and delicate but she's really a nasty person who has no respect for me at all. My only issue is that I made a marriage vow, and if we divorce she gets half of all my hard work. She has only pays her mobile phone bill. I pay for everything else. I still can't believe this is how I ended up.

    After 15 years of marriage. I feel my life ended 15 years ago. she told me that she dreamt of having my children but here I am 15 years later and childless. It was her career, her family issues, and everything else. She is immature and selfish, in fact it turns out to be a common trait in her family. They did a good job hiding this from me until I got married.2 years in the marriage I should have divorced her, but I thought things could change but they didn't. We have the same problems that we had 13 years ago, except she blames me for our childless status (she honestly thinks that intercourse once a year can lead to pregnancy), though I have now given up on being a father as it has been over three years now since I've even held my wife's hand let alone get intimate. Your steps in your article refer to a wife who is a least of sound mind. What do you when your wife has no empathy and is immature? She's changed jobs again as she is never happy, and always finds issues. This time it was supposed to be her dream job, but yet again it's all about her having a fulfilling job rather than the fact that we married in our early 30, and I thought we would start a family, but I was wrong, there was always some issue. I'm approaching 50 in the next couple of years, she has robbed me of being a father. I feel ashamed of my life and have distanced myself from friends and family as she has a different persona in public, people think that's she's fragile and delicate but she's really a nasty person who has no respect for me at all. My only issue is that I made a marriage vow, and if we divorce she gets half of all my hard work. She has only pays her mobile phone bill. I pay for everything else. I still can't believe this is how I ended up.

  • Luke

    Luke UK

    Sorry to hijack this blog. I feel that most of the advice given here is good, until you factor in that both parties have to be adults, who are not selfish able to communicate, and able to empathise. I had a plan which was to graduate, get a job, buy a car, buy a house, get married and then start a family. I met someone who said they dreamt about having my children, but I now know that was just a ploy. I felt my life has ended when I married her. Not having children or the remote prospect of ever having children has meant that I am ashamed of my life and my marriage. I am the only son and also the eldest, and also the first in my family to go to college. If I don't have children then my father's bloodline ends with me (all because I was duped by a selfish immature woman who played the game until I married her). Nowadays she would prefer if I slept in a different bedroom. I gave up on my dream on being a father, as she twists our situation she says that its my alcoholism that is the reason for our childless status, rather then the fact that once we got married, we stopped having sex and absolutely no physical contact for years on end. She drove me mad and to alcohol as I would have to get so drunk so that it would numb the pain of yet another rejection or excuse. This turned from a bottle of wine at the weekend to a couple of bottles a day, until I started drinking bottles of whiskey, and one day I woke up in hospital. I gave up drinking alcohol completely for 3 years not a single drop, but did she change - no. Our marriage vows were to love, honour and obey, and she does not do any of these. Am I a fool for putting up with this for 15 years? I would divorce her but she could be entitled to half of everything that I have, whereas she has only paid for her own cell phone bill and nothing else. I don't have much, I'm not rich and I don't have any savings, all I earn I have put into paying off the mortgage. For a fear of losing everything that I've worked for (paying of a 25 year mortgage - where my wife has only contributed in token amounts over the last 2 years - she realised that if we divorced it would be beneficial for her to have contributed to paying back the mortgage. I really feel stupid, and have pushed friends and family away rather than let anyone else know what's really happening. Buy the way she filmed me whilst I was lifeless on her mobile phone to torment me. She called over neighbours to witness when the medics revived me so the neighbours think I am a drunkard, rather the fact that she mad me into one. I really don't know if I will ever be happy, but maybe my story will help someone else. So if things aren't clicking after 2 years of marriage please consider divorce - that is my advice, cut your losses whilst you are still young. regards Luke

    Sorry to hijack this blog. I feel that most of the advice given here is good, until you factor in that both parties have to be adults, who are not selfish able to communicate, and able to empathise. I had a plan which was to graduate, get a job, buy a car, buy a house, get married and then start a family. I met someone who said they dreamt about having my children, but I now know that was just a ploy. I felt my life has ended when I married her. Not having children or the remote prospect of ever having children has meant that I am ashamed of my life and my marriage. I am the only son and also the eldest, and also the first in my family to go to college. If I don't have children then my father's bloodline ends with me (all because I was duped by a selfish immature woman who played the game until I married her). Nowadays she would prefer if I slept in a different bedroom. I gave up on my dream on being a father, as she twists our situation she says that its my alcoholism that is the reason for our childless status, rather then the fact that once we got married, we stopped having sex and absolutely no physical contact for years on end. She drove me mad and to alcohol as I would have to get so drunk so that it would numb the pain of yet another rejection or excuse. This turned from a bottle of wine at the weekend to a couple of bottles a day, until I started drinking bottles of whiskey, and one day I woke up in hospital. I gave up drinking alcohol completely for 3 years not a single drop, but did she change - no. Our marriage vows were to love, honour and obey, and she does not do any of these. Am I a fool for putting up with this for 15 years? I would divorce her but she could be entitled to half of everything that I have, whereas she has only paid for her own cell phone bill and nothing else. I don't have much, I'm not rich and I don't have any savings, all I earn I have put into paying off the mortgage. For a fear of losing everything that I've worked for (paying of a 25 year mortgage - where my wife has only contributed in token amounts over the last 2 years - she realised that if we divorced it would be beneficial for her to have contributed to paying back the mortgage. I really feel stupid, and have pushed friends and family away rather than let anyone else know what's really happening. Buy the way she filmed me whilst I was lifeless on her mobile phone to torment me. She called over neighbours to witness when the medics revived me so the neighbours think I am a drunkard, rather the fact that she mad me into one. I really don't know if I will ever be happy, but maybe my story will help someone else. So if things aren't clicking after 2 years of marriage please consider divorce - that is my advice, cut your losses whilst you are still young.
    regards Luke

  • EmEl

    EmEl Atlanta, Ga

    Fully agree with 1-5. This Aug would make 20 yrs of marriage for me but unfortunately, I'm in the middle of a divorce. My wife no longer wants to be married. We have three kids together and its absolutely killing me to think about my family not being together. It kills me to think we could not work it out. Kills me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage but my wife has checked out. My biggest mistake is I took her for granted throughout our marriage. Communication between us was always a major challenge. I strongly believe that accountability to each other's needs is paramount. While a man is supposed to do the things Russell mentions, it is just as important for a wife to pour into her husband as much as he's pouring into her. It is also critical for a wife to admit when she's wrong and learn to say sorry. Shared accountability helps!

    Fully agree with 1-5. This Aug would make 20 yrs of marriage for me but unfortunately, I'm in the middle of a divorce. My wife no longer wants to be married. We have three kids together and its absolutely killing me to think about my family not being together. It kills me to think we could not work it out. Kills me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage but my wife has checked out. My biggest mistake is I took her for granted throughout our marriage. Communication between us was always a major challenge. I strongly believe that accountability to each other's needs is paramount. While a man is supposed to do the things Russell mentions, it is just as important for a wife to pour into her husband as much as he's pouring into her. It is also critical for a wife to admit when she's wrong and learn to say sorry. Shared accountability helps!

  • John Carson

    John Carson New York, NY

    This is perhaps one of the most short-sighted, idiotic articles one could come across! It is precisely these types of whipped-up men, and the myth that they create, and the propaganda from the women that destroys men's lives. Maybe this man believes he made mistakes. He internalizes his mistakes and wants to learn and grow. Fantastic, good karma! However, he completely ignores the role that his ex played in the break-up. He treats as if women should be on a pedestal and that they are doing favors by choosing or marrying men, when in fact such dynamics that serve as recipes for disaster (especially in the long run). Perhaps his wife was one in a million or billion but society today is far from what it was even 20 years ago. No way should a man put himself second. His life, his emotions, his wealth, etc. are just as important and should never be placed second for any one, especially for a wife; nor should a wife do the same for the husband, in a healthy marriage. I could be wrong, but his wife has him believing that it is majority his fault or blame... he goes as far as to say "don't get lazy in love". What utter rubbish and garbage. Truth for millions is that you live a daily life, jobs, children and a million objectives in this evermore complex life. Of course 'love' will take a back seat and one HAS TO take their spouse for granted, otherwise what is the point of getting married? You'd be eternally insecure with no real partnership, and never trust a foundation to build anything. I can go on forever, but I'd be wasting my breath. This man has no clue, this article is utter garbage. And for those who write comments otherwise choose to stay blind by the myriad myths of the media and feminist propaganda. Peace.

    This is perhaps one of the most short-sighted, idiotic articles one could come across! It is precisely these types of whipped-up men, and the myth that they create, and the propaganda from the women that destroys men's lives.

    Maybe this man believes he made mistakes. He internalizes his mistakes and wants to learn and grow. Fantastic, good karma! However, he completely ignores the role that his ex played in the break-up. He treats as if women should be on a pedestal and that they are doing favors by choosing or marrying men, when in fact such dynamics that serve as recipes for disaster (especially in the long run).

    Perhaps his wife was one in a million or billion but society today is far from what it was even 20 years ago. No way should a man put himself second. His life, his emotions, his wealth, etc. are just as important and should never be placed second for any one, especially for a wife; nor should a wife do the same for the husband, in a healthy marriage.

    I could be wrong, but his wife has him believing that it is majority his fault or blame... he goes as far as to say "don't get lazy in love". What utter rubbish and garbage. Truth for millions is that you live a daily life, jobs, children and a million objectives in this evermore complex life. Of course 'love' will take a back seat and one HAS TO take their spouse for granted, otherwise what is the point of getting married? You'd be eternally insecure with no real partnership, and never trust a foundation to build anything.

    I can go on forever, but I'd be wasting my breath. This man has no clue, this article is utter garbage. And for those who write comments otherwise choose to stay blind by the myriad myths of the media and feminist propaganda.

    Peace.

  • TK

    TK OK

    I, too, am divorcing after 16 years. As I read each point you made, I found that my husband had tried to be this man in the beginning of our marriage. As the years went on, he stopped being the man I needed - literally. Yes, literally - he now lives as a woman the majority of the time. When he finally dropped the mask he had been wearing all those years, and let me know who he truly was behind the lies and alcohol, it was far too late. I no longer trust his words, mainly because even now, he still lies about he stupidest things. Old habits die hard, I guess. The roles in our marriage had shifted so that I felt as if I was the man. I did all the things that the husband would do in the relationship while he became the wife. While I never needed to be put on a pedestal, I still needed the man in him to step up and be the man. He blamed me for his shortcomings - it was never his fault that he behaved the way he did. Thankfully, I made an appointment for marriage counseling. I found a wonderful therapist that has experience with people who are transitioning from one sex to the other and is helping him navigate that world. The therapist now sees my husband weekly, while joint sessions are every few weeks to work out the divorce. While it is not always easy, divorce was the only answer in our case. My advice to him was to be honest, from the very beginning, with whoever you are with.

    I, too, am divorcing after 16 years. As I read each point you made, I found that my husband had tried to be this man in the beginning of our marriage. As the years went on, he stopped being the man I needed - literally. Yes, literally - he now lives as a woman the majority of the time. When he finally dropped the mask he had been wearing all those years, and let me know who he truly was behind the lies and alcohol, it was far too late. I no longer trust his words, mainly because even now, he still lies about he stupidest things. Old habits die hard, I guess.
    The roles in our marriage had shifted so that I felt as if I was the man. I did all the things that the husband would do in the relationship while he became the wife. While I never needed to be put on a pedestal, I still needed the man in him to step up and be the man. He blamed me for his shortcomings - it was never his fault that he behaved the way he did. Thankfully, I made an appointment for marriage counseling. I found a wonderful therapist that has experience with people who are transitioning from one sex to the other and is helping him navigate that world. The therapist now sees my husband weekly, while joint sessions are every few weeks to work out the divorce. While it is not always easy, divorce was the only answer in our case. My advice to him was to be honest, from the very beginning, with whoever you are with.

  • JA

    JA GA

    Going on 23 years and yes have there been many changes. First few years were good, some awesome memories, then trying to have child led to 8 years of IVF and emotional rollercoaster. Postpartum depression, weight gain, lowered self esteem leads me to loneliness and inappropriate activities from what else. 15 years go by fast with her not being able to get over trust or emotional issues. I of course hang in there for my child, yet never felt behind every good man is that good woman. Some times it just changes for the worse and it scares the hell out of you because you hate the alternative or are too poor to hire attorney or give away part of child!

    Going on 23 years and yes have there been many changes. First few years were good, some awesome memories, then trying to have child led to 8 years of IVF and emotional rollercoaster. Postpartum depression, weight gain, lowered self esteem leads me to loneliness and inappropriate activities from what else. 15 years go by fast with her not being able to get over trust or emotional issues. I of course hang in there for my child, yet never felt behind every good man is that good woman. Some times it just changes for the worse and it scares the hell out of you because you hate the alternative or are too poor to hire attorney or give away part of child!

  • Selva

    Selva Chennai

    Awesome!!!!!

    Awesome!!!!!

  • Elaine Bauman

    Elaine Bauman Long Island, New York

    He's not worth my time any more. I'm moving on

    He's not worth my time any more. I'm moving on

  • Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Virginia

    I actually have a pretty good marriage. We've been married for 20 years, and just had big fight, and I was thinking, "Maybe it's time to end it." or "What is marriage supposed to be?" Our marriage is actually very good, until we have a major disagreement, which may happen 4 times a year. Your column, although not directed toward women, helped me today to look into my heart and see if I have been nurturing us keeping our connection. I have not. Thank you for your helping others through your loss.

    I actually have a pretty good marriage. We've been married for 20 years, and just had big fight, and I was thinking, "Maybe it's time to end it." or "What is marriage supposed to be?" Our marriage is actually very good, until we have a major disagreement, which may happen 4 times a year. Your column, although not directed toward women, helped me today to look into my heart and see if I have been nurturing us keeping our connection. I have not. Thank you for your helping others through your loss.

  • Clementine

    Clementine Montreal

    In all honesty it isn't about man and wife, it's about two people respecting each other. In my case I was with my gf (gay couple) for 10.5yrs and things ended abruptly in January 2016. In my case I honestly can say I told her every day from day one that I loved her, she was beautiful and amazing. I supported (emotionally and financially) her for all 10.5yrs even in the worst of times. To this day she really can't even explain what I do for work. She comes from a family where her mother has never said I love you to her and vice versa. I am extremely affectionate and can say that all I needed was affection and appreciation and she just couldn’t do it. What's dangerous in unhealthy relationships are the issues that arise due to lack of one partner being really into the relationship. I am not embarrassed to admit it, I developed a drinking problem over the last 4 years. I put her and myself through hell. We stopped communicating years ago and to me that was unbearable. I used to communicate in the beginning about some of the issues I thought we should work on. To her I was being over-demanding. I don't know - we built our first house and I asked for help with cooking (she finishes at 2pm and me at 6), help with mowing the lawn, help with cleaning. For 2.5yrs I asked for help nicely. But one night I got drunk and she made comments at me about being a loser and harsh and I said she was a loser back who made no money... This should have been our first sign of that something is WRONG. This happened many times afterwards because we never ever communicated. Her only means of communicating were via text message - I told her for years that I hated that. I would actually try to call her and when she'd finally answer she didn't have much to say. I can admit I became and asshole and so did she. We lived the last 5yrs full of resentment. It got physical (pushing) and verbally (name calling) abusive when we drank, another unacceptable situation. Drinking was her glory moment to start talking about our issues. If I wasn't drunk I could control the situation but if I was drunk we'd fight about it. I lost it big time on about 5 occasions. I was always the one apologizing for 10.5yrs and to this day she says the blame is 100% on me. She always blamed the drinking but in truth no matter what I would have done, there would have been a problem. There was always something that I did that bothered her, I felt I couldn't breathe anymore and having just one drink actually made me feel like I could deal with the pain I was going through. I was in and out of therapy for the last 3 years trying to get help for the drinking and almost all my psychologists said that the relationship was the big problem because I felt unloved for so long while literally paying for everything. My ex even sent me a text saying she couldn’t handle my stupid insecurities about us. I told her what do you expect when I look at you and say “I Love you” and you say nothing back for the last 2-3years. I would ask her to join me at some meetings, or try to do different things but she always said no. She loved to make me pay for any mistake I have made but I had to always forgive. When we do talk now she loves telling me how I was wasted every single night, which is pure lies. We had a nasty game of I piss you off, and then I will piss you off back. In all honestly for years I asked to do things, go out and have some fun. But she never ever wanted to. She loved being in her pj’s watching cooking shows all day and then in return I knew buying a bottle of wine would piss her off. My life is a nightmare now and she continuously tells me how she’s doing so much better without me and loves reminding me of all my mistakes. The sad part is that the two of us truly loved each other…. I know by reading the above you couldn’t imagine but when we were good, nothing could stop us. I don’t think the blog should be about just one person. Every day you should be grateful for who you have in your life, show respect, expect respect back and make an effort to be in the relationship. And, to be honest if something that is important to you is not being met in the relationship, then you should leave. Trying to force people to be a certain way gets you nowhere except for finding disappointment. I grew up in the relationship at the beginning but I can honestly say I have been in the same spot for the last few years. You should definitely be present every day.

    In all honesty it isn't about man and wife, it's about two people respecting each other. In my case I was with my gf (gay couple) for 10.5yrs and things ended abruptly in January 2016. In my case I honestly can say I told her every day from day one that I loved her, she was beautiful and amazing. I supported (emotionally and financially) her for all 10.5yrs even in the worst of times. To this day she really can't even explain what I do for work. She comes from a family where her mother has never said I love you to her and vice versa. I am extremely affectionate and can say that all I needed was affection and appreciation and she just couldn’t do it. What's dangerous in unhealthy relationships are the issues that arise due to lack of one partner being really into the relationship. I am not embarrassed to admit it, I developed a drinking problem over the last 4 years. I put her and myself through hell. We stopped communicating years ago and to me that was unbearable. I used to communicate in the beginning about some of the issues I thought we should work on. To her I was being over-demanding. I don't know - we built our first house and I asked for help with cooking (she finishes at 2pm and me at 6), help with mowing the lawn, help with cleaning. For 2.5yrs I asked for help nicely. But one night I got drunk and she made comments at me about being a loser and harsh and I said she was a loser back who made no money... This should have been our first sign of that something is WRONG. This happened many times afterwards because we never ever communicated. Her only means of communicating were via text message - I told her for years that I hated that. I would actually try to call her and when she'd finally answer she didn't have much to say. I can admit I became and asshole and so did she. We lived the last 5yrs full of resentment. It got physical (pushing) and verbally (name calling) abusive when we drank, another unacceptable situation. Drinking was her glory moment to start talking about our issues. If I wasn't drunk I could control the situation but if I was drunk we'd fight about it. I lost it big time on about 5 occasions. I was always the one apologizing for 10.5yrs and to this day she says the blame is 100% on me. She always blamed the drinking but in truth no matter what I would have done, there would have been a problem. There was always something that I did that bothered her, I felt I couldn't breathe anymore and having just one drink actually made me feel like I could deal with the pain I was going through. I was in and out of therapy for the last 3 years trying to get help for the drinking and almost all my psychologists said that the relationship was the big problem because I felt unloved for so long while literally paying for everything. My ex even sent me a text saying she couldn’t handle my stupid insecurities about us. I told her what do you expect when I look at you and say “I Love you” and you say nothing back for the last 2-3years. I would ask her to join me at some meetings, or try to do different things but she always said no. She loved to make me pay for any mistake I have made but I had to always forgive. When we do talk now she loves telling me how I was wasted every single night, which is pure lies. We had a nasty game of I piss you off, and then I will piss you off back. In all honestly for years I asked to do things, go out and have some fun. But she never ever wanted to. She loved being in her pj’s watching cooking shows all day and then in return I knew buying a bottle of wine would piss her off. My life is a nightmare now and she continuously tells me how she’s doing so much better without me and loves reminding me of all my mistakes. The sad part is that the two of us truly loved each other…. I know by reading the above you couldn’t imagine but when we were good, nothing could stop us. I don’t think the blog should be about just one person. Every day you should be grateful for who you have in your life, show respect, expect respect back and make an effort to be in the relationship. And, to be honest if something that is important to you is not being met in the relationship, then you should leave. Trying to force people to be a certain way gets you nowhere except for finding disappointment. I grew up in the relationship at the beginning but I can honestly say I have been in the same spot for the last few years. You should definitely be present every day.

  • slats

    slats Australia

    That was a lovely article, I wish that I could have read it a couple of years ago. A year ago, just after our 20th wedding anniversary, I discovered that my husband had been having an affair. We were the sort of couple that everyone looked up to as an example of a wonderful marriage. We were going through a tough time. I had started working full time, our kids are teenagers and there was significant demand on our time to run them around. We basically lost each other in hum-drum of ever day life. I have spent the last year fighting with everything that I have to save my marriage because he was the most wonderful man and husband, however i have found out that he has continued the affair. He isn't sure that he wants me, but he doesn't want to let me go. I am devastated, and although I know that I cant own his actions, I have so many regrets. Regrets that I got swamped by motherhood, regrets that he didn't realise just how much he meant to me, regrets that he didn't come to me when he felt his needs weren't being met, and am so incredibly sad that I have lost the love of my life. The way forward is going to be long and hard and at times I think impossible to navigate, to loose not only my husband but best friend. So my advice to those starting out on this journey called marriage, and on the whole it is wonderful journey, tell that special person every day what they mean to you, and don't take anything for granted

    That was a lovely article, I wish that I could have read it a couple of years ago. A year ago, just after our 20th wedding anniversary, I discovered that my husband had been having an affair. We were the sort of couple that everyone looked up to as an example of a wonderful marriage. We were going through a tough time. I had started working full time, our kids are teenagers and there was significant demand on our time to run them around. We basically lost each other in hum-drum of ever day life.
    I have spent the last year fighting with everything that I have to save my marriage because he was the most wonderful man and husband, however i have found out that he has continued the affair. He isn't sure that he wants me, but he doesn't want to let me go.
    I am devastated, and although I know that I cant own his actions, I have so many regrets. Regrets that I got swamped by motherhood, regrets that he didn't realise just how much he meant to me, regrets that he didn't come to me when he felt his needs weren't being met, and am so incredibly sad that I have lost the love of my life. The way forward is going to be long and hard and at times I think impossible to navigate, to loose not only my husband but best friend. So my advice to those starting out on this journey called marriage, and on the whole it is wonderful journey, tell that special person every day what they mean to you, and don't take anything for granted

  • Jimmy

    Jimmy Germany

    This article is true. There is the similar list for women. Men and women are different and we should respect, even celebrate it. One thing I would add is that if something does not seem right with your relationship please get some professional advice. Personality problems (disorders) can distroy peoples lives no matter how hard you try. My wife turned out to have an issue that I would never be able to deal with. It destroyed me emotionally and hurt our kids as well. I can not count the times I have looked back and wished I understood what was going on. If I had the knowledge and support to deal with a troubled spouse I may have saved us all so much pain. Being the perfect husband does not always work. I turned myself inside out trying.

    This article is true. There is the similar list for women. Men and women are different and we should respect, even celebrate it. One thing I would add is that if something does not seem right with your relationship please get some professional advice. Personality problems (disorders) can distroy peoples lives no matter how hard you try.
    My wife turned out to have an issue that I would never be able to deal with. It destroyed me emotionally and hurt our kids as well. I can not count the times I have looked back and wished I understood what was going on. If I had the knowledge and support to deal with a troubled spouse I may have saved us all so much pain.
    Being the perfect husband does not always work. I turned myself inside out trying.

  • Realist

    Realist Michigan

    There are a few good points here but mostly it's really all focused toward the benefit of the wife. If you put all your focus on her, do everything she wants, etc. etc. it'll all be magical. A bigger load of BS I have not consumed in quite some time. Everything looks better in the rear view mirror. Just like your high school girlfriend - there was a reason it didn't work out - she was crazy and you need to admit it. Don't try to find her - she hasn't changed. I agree that effort is important - both side usually stop contributing and that leads to issues. The responsibility should be equal for both sides to make a marriage work. Just like that saying - happy wife, happy life. That's BS as well. Guys are allowed to be happy and to have a say in their lives. It's OK fellas - nothing to be ashamed of.

    There are a few good points here but mostly it's really all focused toward the benefit of the wife. If you put all your focus on her, do everything she wants, etc. etc. it'll all be magical. A bigger load of BS I have not consumed in quite some time.
    Everything looks better in the rear view mirror. Just like your high school girlfriend - there was a reason it didn't work out - she was crazy and you need to admit it. Don't try to find her - she hasn't changed. I agree that effort is important - both side usually stop contributing and that leads to issues. The responsibility should be equal for both sides to make a marriage work. Just like that saying - happy wife, happy life. That's BS as well. Guys are allowed to be happy and to have a say in their lives. It's OK fellas - nothing to be ashamed of.

  • James

    James San Jose, CA

    This is a great article. I am in a 12 year marriage that is on the rocks, and may very well be over soon. I wish I had read (and TOOK ACTION ON) the points of this article a year ago. Well, can't change that now - but it's not over until it's over, so I will use what I can here and make a last stand! Pay extra attention to #2, it seems simple but is really much more complex.

    This is a great article. I am in a 12 year marriage that is on the rocks, and may very well be over soon. I wish I had read (and TOOK ACTION ON) the points of this article a year ago. Well, can't change that now - but it's not over until it's over, so I will use what I can here and make a last stand! Pay extra attention to #2, it seems simple but is really much more complex.

  • Invisible

    Invisible NC

    This article is so touching. The only problem is...my husband doesn't get any of this. After 15 years of marriage I feel so lonely. I have bought books to read together. I have recommended counseling. I have told him to leave but he begs and promises he'll change. He used to be my best friend. I tell him everything. He is so distant. He's so secretive. He has never been one to be harsh but is now very sharp. He is an amazing dad and I find myself wishing he'd show me attention like he does with them. Don't get me wrong I love how great he is with our kids but it's so obvious he loves being with them. It's not so obvious that he likes being with me. I know he loves me. But I don't feel like it is growing and going in the right direction. He doesn't have a great relationship with his parents who divorced when he was young and I have tried to help him see we are not like them but he keeps shutting me out of his world. Not only does he keep secrets but he will lie. He hates arguments and will say whatever to avoid one. I'm hurting and I don't want to keep living like this. I know he's not having an affair because he is always here. I'm not sure about what all he does with his tablet. I really don't think he's into porn. I really think he thinks I'm over reacting and things are fine. Yet again he can't see that he has emotionally checked out. I don't want to keep being hurt over and over again but that's what has been the cycle for most of our 15 years. The more I try to work on us the more he is convinced we are fine. I'm only 36 and I don't want a divorce but I'm so unhappy. I do not think it is ever God's will for people to divorce but I do think He made away out and I'm really not sure I can continue to live like this. He was so different when we were dating. I felt wanted. Am I being selfish to want to be happy. My parents were totally in love with each other. I have made excuses that he never had an example but after 15 years I think laziness is more the issue. He just doesn't get or care how often he hurts me. I could use someone else's opinion. Thanks

    This article is so touching. The only problem is...my husband doesn't get any of this. After 15 years of marriage I feel so lonely. I have bought books to read together. I have recommended counseling. I have told him to leave but he begs and promises he'll change. He used to be my best friend. I tell him everything. He is so distant. He's so secretive. He has never been one to be harsh but is now very sharp. He is an amazing dad and I find myself wishing he'd show me attention like he does with them. Don't get me wrong I love how great he is with our kids but it's so obvious he loves being with them. It's not so obvious that he likes being with me. I know he loves me. But I don't feel like it is growing and going in the right direction. He doesn't have a great relationship with his parents who divorced when he was young and I have tried to help him see we are not like them but he keeps shutting me out of his world. Not only does he keep secrets but he will lie. He hates arguments and will say whatever to avoid one. I'm hurting and I don't want to keep living like this. I know he's not having an affair because he is always here. I'm not sure about what all he does with his tablet. I really don't think he's into porn. I really think he thinks I'm over reacting and things are fine. Yet again he can't see that he has emotionally checked out. I don't want to keep being hurt over and over again but that's what has been the cycle for most of our 15 years. The more I try to work on us the more he is convinced we are fine. I'm only 36 and I don't want a divorce but I'm so unhappy. I do not think it is ever God's will for people to divorce but I do think He made away out and I'm really not sure I can continue to live like this. He was so different when we were dating. I felt wanted. Am I being selfish to want to be happy. My parents were totally in love with each other. I have made excuses that he never had an example but after 15 years I think laziness is more the issue. He just doesn't get or care how often he hurts me. I could use someone else's opinion. Thanks

  • On Deck Law

    On Deck Law Seattle, Washington

    Fantastic article on relationship advice! Particularly enjoyed the portion "ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure."

    Fantastic article on relationship advice! Particularly enjoyed the portion "ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure."

  • ron

    ron anywhere

    And what happens if those tenets were followed and your partner cheats on you anyway.

    And what happens if those tenets were followed and your partner cheats on you anyway.

  • j delfy

    j delfy

    I am married for almost 14yrs and i have a difficult decision to make. My wife is chating with other guys on her phone. One day the fone was laying on the fridge charging and i was curious y she is so secrètive, as i was looking through the messages, one of the other man ask pics of her, and she send it. A nother incident was one of the guys came up to her and kiss her, and she was laughing while i was standing there. After work i confranted her and she tell me that she couldn 't push him away because she wasn 't like the other girls.After that i speak about the photos she send to this guy, she tells me that i'm speaking rubish as i said the guys name , than she said it is nothing to send photos of her to other guys. That guy she kissing she tell me (husband) she won't cover up for him and don 't care what i think or do. When me confranted her again she just tells lies and when the thruth perserver than she tells me theirs nothing wrong I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH but i 'm giving up because i can 't take the lies and cheating no more. Please give advice thanks i no is for comments but sory for this

    I am married for almost 14yrs and i have a difficult decision to make. My wife is chating with other guys on her phone. One day the fone was laying on the fridge charging and i was curious y she is so secrètive, as i was looking through the messages, one of the other man ask pics of her, and she send it. A nother incident was one of the guys came up to her and kiss her, and she was laughing while i was standing there. After work i confranted her and she tell me that she couldn 't push him away because she wasn 't like the other girls.After that i speak about the photos she send to this guy, she tells me that i'm speaking rubish as i said the guys name , than she said it is nothing to send photos of her to other guys. That guy she kissing she tell me (husband) she won't cover up for him and don 't care what i think or do. When me confranted her again she just tells lies and when the thruth perserver than she tells me theirs nothing wrong I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH but i 'm giving up because i can 't take the lies and cheating no more. Please give advice thanks i no is for comments but sory for this

  • Ecles

    Ecles USA

    Complete rubbish. Is it any wonder everybody divorces? All this talk about love and soul mates and blah blah blah. What you are calling love is simply attraction, and attraction is the LAST thing you want to build a marriage on because it changes and doesn't last. Most cultures know this and the USA used to know this. That is why marriages for thousands of years have not been based on love. They are about family, division of labor, children and property. That is the fact Jack. Go cry in your aromatherapy bubble bath if you don't like it. My wife, after years of being taken care of financially by me...in addition to my cooking, cleaning and 50% child care, got herself an attorney and tried dirty divorce tricks...demanding sole custody, the house, alimony, accusing me falsely of stuff etc. I fought that bitch off in court and won. I don't miss her. Fuck that loser. She ruined our little boy's life, and it wasn't because she "needed a soulmate." It was because her little bitch wine drinking buddies told her she could keep the house, our son and my paycheck while conveniently getting rid of me.

    Complete rubbish. Is it any wonder everybody divorces? All this talk about love and soul mates and blah blah blah. What you are calling love is simply attraction, and attraction is the LAST thing you want to build a marriage on because it changes and doesn't last. Most cultures know this and the USA used to know this. That is why marriages for thousands of years have not been based on love. They are about family, division of labor, children and property. That is the fact Jack. Go cry in your aromatherapy bubble bath if you don't like it. My wife, after years of being taken care of financially by me...in addition to my cooking, cleaning and 50% child care, got herself an attorney and tried dirty divorce tricks...demanding sole custody, the house, alimony, accusing me falsely of stuff etc. I fought that bitch off in court and won. I don't miss her. Fuck that loser. She ruined our little boy's life, and it wasn't because she "needed a soulmate." It was because her little bitch wine drinking buddies told her she could keep the house, our son and my paycheck while conveniently getting rid of me.

  • Phillip

    Phillip England

    You just do not realize what your responsibilities are when setting out in marriage (even though you say the words), and you think it the 'magic' will continue forever and look after itself. When young (and include everything up to about 45 in that) you have such stupid preoccupations with the libido and media-generated concepts of perfect eroticism, thinking the grass is greener etc etc. In reality, in the end, it is only friendship, love and respect that matter and if those things are focused on all along troubles would not arise. I should have loved and lusted after my wife for being 'sweet, 'plain', 'caring', 'quiet', 'soppy' - all things I deemed boring and unexciting at one point or another. I was stupid stupid stupid, and now I have lost a wife of 20 years, and managed to obliterate a love of 25 years. I did not think this was possible. Be warned. Nothing is more precious in this life than a person who is willing to marry you and bear your children, and willing to commit to a lifetime of fidelity. I blew it. Do not make the same mistake. Now I am 48, it is too late and do not have the inclination or strength to 'reinvent' myself as a single or - a swear word for me - 'divorced'.

    You just do not realize what your responsibilities are when setting out in marriage (even though you say the words), and you think it the 'magic' will continue forever and look after itself. When young (and include everything up to about 45 in that) you have such stupid preoccupations with the libido and media-generated concepts of perfect eroticism, thinking the grass is greener etc etc. In reality, in the end, it is only friendship, love and respect that matter and if those things are focused on all along troubles would not arise. I should have loved and lusted after my wife for being 'sweet, 'plain', 'caring', 'quiet', 'soppy' - all things I deemed boring and unexciting at one point or another. I was stupid stupid stupid, and now I have lost a wife of 20 years, and managed to obliterate a love of 25 years. I did not think this was possible. Be warned. Nothing is more precious in this life than a person who is willing to marry you and bear your children, and willing to commit to a lifetime of fidelity. I blew it. Do not make the same mistake. Now I am 48, it is too late and do not have the inclination or strength to 'reinvent' myself as a single or - a swear word for me - 'divorced'.