tag:jamesrussell.org,2005:/blogs/love-story-from-the-male-perspective--2?p=3Love Story from the Male Perspective2020-10-21T07:05:00-04:00jamesrussell.orgfalsetag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31793262020-10-21T07:05:00-04:002023-12-10T11:30:29-05:004 Worst Pieces of Dating Advice You Can Receive <p><em>4 Worst Pieces of Dating Advice You Can Receive </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br>Everyone we know is a relationship expert, so they think. They'll dish out advice all day since they aren't responsible for the outcome of your decisions. When in doubt, here's some pointers based on research to to help you navigate.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/24618a3a0a87c5bd6196bf30d273423b6b855222/medium/4-worst-pieces-of-dating-advice-you-can-receive.jpg?1489353648" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><strong>1. Choose someone based on physical attraction.</strong><br><br>“Date with your eyes closed.” That’s much better.<br><br>No matter their appearance or build, it all fades over time. Does their inner beauty cause their outward beauty to shine? In our youth, many tend to believe that outer beauty reflects inner beauty. That's a mistake.<br><br>Years from now when the infatuation has dissipated, and we look at our partner, and all we see is their character, who have we chosen to share our life with?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>What will he or she whisper into our ears when we lay down at night? Will they be pulling us down or building us up? <br><br>What kind of parent will they be? Will they love our children and help raise them to be unselfish, loving, ethical, and responsible leaders? Or will the children be verbally or physically abused, or raised believing they are the center of the world?<br><br><br><strong>2. Trust them until proven wrong.</strong><br><br>To trust someone and rely on them is dangerous when we don’t truly know them. It takes a good three months for us to begin knowing people. According to studies, it takes a good two-three years to truly know them.<br><br>Most of us put our best face forward in the beginning. Give the person time. Listen to their words and observe their actions in various circumstances.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The best place to see who they really are is when they’re at home with their families. Meeting the family should be one of the first steps in dating someone, not when the time of engagement is approaching. When we date someone, we’re dating his or her family. If we marry him or her, we’re marrying into that family. <br><br><br><strong>3. Long engagements are a bad idea.</strong> <br><br>I cannot count the number of couples who said they didn’t begin seeing their partner’s true character until around the two to three year mark.<br><br>One girl said her boyfriend didn’t start yelling and screaming at her, becoming verbally abusive, until around three years together, and they had spent time together almost everyday. Wow.<br><br>I know people who dated less than six months and then married. It worked out well for some, but for most, they wish they had spent more time dating each other.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. Ignore warnings from family and friends. </strong><br><br>My friend John is a chair in Family Counseling at a university in Nashville. He said there were two common threads in the results of each divorce case study: Divorcees a) didn’t know their partners well and b) family and friends had made objections to their union.<br><br>Yes, family and friends can be jealous and unreasonable at times. But make sure that’s the reason they’re saying no, and not because they see things which we can’t because those infatuation chemicals are firing in our brains. “Love is blind” is a popular saying for a reason.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em> </a><br><br>---<br><br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on<em><strong> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </strong></em>or subscribe to his<em><strong> <a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> </strong></em>for updates. </p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/62402762020-10-21T06:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:03:49-04:006 Ways To Rebuild Trust After Cheating<p><em>6 Ways to Rebuild Trust After Cheating</em> by contributor, <em>Content Geek</em>. <br>- - -<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/add40a4c059136b4f4b395de9d552c1e2c30e55f/original/cheat.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />So, you’ve cheated on your partner. The knowledge has come out. At the end of it all, you’ve decided to stay together and try to rebuild. How do you do that? How do you put the relationship first, especially as the partner who cheated? If you want to continue this relationship, you need to make a concerted effort to do so. Here’s how you can do that.<br><br><br><strong>1. Truly Understand Your Partner’s Feelings </strong><br><br>Your partner’s probably dealing with a lot of negative emotions. Some of those emotions are probably targeted at you. It’s easy for this to feel like an intentional attack. Try to avoid the urge to fire back, however. Let your partner have those emotions, as long as they’re not being abusive toward you. As you rebuild trust, those emotions will fade.<br><br><br><strong>2. Tackle the Root Problem</strong><br><br>There’s a reason you cheated. You may not even personally know the reason, but there’s a reason behind every decision, even ones made in the heat of the moment. What drove you to make this decision? What’s driving you to make sure you don’t repeat it? Whether this requires couple’s counseling or just lots of introspection, make sure you know the thing that caused this in the first place.<br><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. Don’t Lie, Even About the Little Things </strong><br><br>When you lie to your partner, you’re getting more and more comfortable with lying. That can spiral into very big lies, even ones regarding cheating. Make it a point not to lie. If you’ve had problems with compulsive lying before, consider making an explicit agreement with your spouse that you can always correct a lie, even a white lie. If you realize you’ve lied, state that to your partner, then state the truth. You may be surprised at the impact it makes.<br><br><br><strong>4. Make Sure You’re Honest About the Cheating</strong><br><br>It’s very hard to talk about the cheating incident, especially if you feel genuinely guilty about it. However, your partner deserves to know the whole story, even if it hurts both of you. Your partner may want you to tell the story step-by-step, or they may not want to hear exactly what happened. Either way, when your partner asks questions about what happened, don’t hide the truth because you’re worried about causing pain. Be open and honest, even about this painful topic.<br><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>5. Don’t Treat the Relationship Like a Negotiation</strong><br><br>You’re going to run into negotiation-like issues in this relationship. If you want to go out with friends, your partner may ask that you say when you’ll be home and keep to it. However, don’t turn the whole relationship into a negotiation. At the end of the day, you’re staying together because you love each other. That should be your guiding principle. Avoid the temptation to argue your way into a better situation, because that’s not going to work.<br><br><br><strong>6. Take Steps to Show You’ve Changed</strong><br><br>You have to actively show that you’ve changed. You can’t just leave it to a passive set of behaviors. Reach out to your partner in a way that shows you’ve changed. For example, if you met the other person through your phone, you may want to give your partner access to your phone records. Your partner can run contact numbers through an <a contents="online people search" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://blog.peoplefinders.com" target="_blank"><strong>online people search</strong></a> to know exactly who you’re talking to.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>Conclusion:</strong> Your relationship can survive cheating. Even though not every relationship can get through that storm, if you’ve chosen to try, you can do it. However, it requires a lot of hard work on both sides. You need to be willing to accept your faults. Whether it’s because you drank too much, you were jealous, or you wanted to get back at your partner for a slight, you did something with lasting consequences.<br><br>If you’re willing to let your love keep you together, you can make it through this. Building trust is hard, but if you take it one day at a time, it’s possible.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blogs/love-story-from-the-male-perspective--2/posts/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br>- - -<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell/" target="_blank"><em><strong>Facebook</strong></em></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em><strong>Instagram</strong></em></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em><strong>Twitter</strong></em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em><strong>YouTube</strong></em></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em><strong>Pinterest</strong></em></a>, or subscribe to his <a contents="email list&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"><em><strong>email list </strong></em></a>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/62249452020-10-20T07:30:00-04:002022-04-05T18:04:15-04:00Are Your Relationships Holding You Back?<p><em>Are You Holding Onto Relationships That Are Holding You Back?</em> by Margie Warrell. See below for details. </p>
<p>- - - <br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/d6df145eaea623efeaac78eb88d16aaccadef76a/original/are-your-relationships-holding-you-back.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Think of someone you love spending time with. Someone whose infectious enthusiasm for life has a way of reframing your challenges and boosting your confidence to rise above them. Someone you can count on to embolden your thinking—to back yourself more and doubt yourself less. <br><br>Now just imagine if everyone you hung out with was like that. And if everyone is, this article is not for you. <br><br>But chances are, there’s people you spend time with who aren’t lifting you up. Chances are, there are some in your orbit who might actually be pulling you down, albeit unintentionally, and keeping you from taking the very actions that would open up a whole lot of exciting new possibilities in your career or business or life. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We are all social creatures. As such, we’re at our best when we feel part of a “tribe”: connected to the people around us. But not just to any people. <br><br>The problem is, that as we go through life, we can inadvertently accumulate relationships that aren’t bringing out our best and may actually be fueling our doubts, narrowing our perspective, lowering our sights and keeping us playing small. <br><br>So if you’re the biggest thinker you know or you cannot honestly say that you look forward to the conversations you have with the people you spend time with, then maybe it’s time you decided to be more intentional in the relationships you’re investing in.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Here’s three strategies to get you started. <br><br><br><strong>1. Start with yourself: Your vibe attracts your tribe</strong><br><br>A magnetized piece of iron can lift 12 times its own weight; yet if it is demagnetized, it can’t even lift a feather. Like attracts like. Accordingly, people who radiate passion for life attract opportunities, lucky breaks and other positive people into their lives. The same is true in reverse. How you show up in the world determines who shows up in yours. <br><br>This isn’t about trying to prove yourself, or putting on a face and being someone you’re not. It’s just about embracing your worth and focusing on who it is you most want to be in the world. After all, despite the pressure you may feel to impress people, it’s by owning who you are that you will attract the kind of self-assured and big-hearted people who can help you become more of the person you aspire to be. Not all people, but the right people for you! <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>In <em>You’ve Got This! The Life-Changing Power of Trusting Yourself,</em> I wrote that the wonderful irony of simply being yourself is that the less you care about what other people think of you, the more they actually do. <br><br><br><strong>2. Be proactive: Don’t wait for ‘chance encounters’; create them</strong><br><br>Sometimes serendipity happens and an incredible person lands in your orbit. However, as my mother always said, “God helps those who help themselves.” So go hang out in the kind of places the people you want to meet hang out in. Attend a conference. Join a community. Register for a course, or organize your own event and invite people you’d like to know better.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>After moving to a new country a few years back, I met a fabulous woman named Tamera. We hit it off straight away, but between our respective work and family commitments (we had seven kids between us), we didn’t meet up near as often as we wanted.<br><br>So we decided to start our own “Best Self” Book Club and invite along five other women each—women who were “up to stuff” and shared a similar outlook on life. Within months, our personal and professional networks had expanded exponentially (despite the fact we often resorted to book summaries!). <br><br><br><strong>3. Get offline: No technology can replace genuine human connection</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Studies show that although we are more interconnected than any other time in human history, millions of people feel more alone and socially disconnected than ever before. Surprisingly, it’s those under 35—the most prolific social networkers—who feel loneliest of all.<br><br>Which just goes to show that we have to move beyond trading “likes” of curated selfies, which, while providing the illusion of friendship, fall a long way short of meeting our deeper human hunger for authentic connection. <br><br>Can unplugging from our devices and plugging into the people around us be wholly uncomfortable? You bet. Human connection requires embracing the vulnerability that our screens allow us to avoid. <br><br>Yet by lowering our online masks and getting real, with real people, in real time, we can forge the most meaningful and rewarding relationships of all. So put down your smartphone and start up a conversation with someone in front you. You have no idea what doors it might open up. <br><br>As you go through life, it’s inevitable that you’ll outgrow some relationships. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about the people you’ve shared a season of life with. Perhaps many. It just means that continuing to spend more than the minimal time with them no longer serves you… or them (though they may not see it that way).<br><br>This isn’t disloyal or unkind. It simply reflects your own personal evolution and the reality that some people simply aren’t growing in the same direction or at the same pace as you. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s just life. <br><br>Your energy is precious. Your time is precious. You are precious. So if the people you’re spending your precious hours with aren’t helping you grow into the kind of person you most want to be, stop making excuses and start investing more time with those who will.<br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Are You Holding Onto Relationships That Are Holding You Back?" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.success.com/are-you-holding-onto-relationships-that-are-holding-you-back/" target="_blank"><em>Are You Holding Onto Relationships That Are Holding You Back?</em></a> by <a contents="Margie Warrell " data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.success.com/author/margie-warrell/" target="_blank">Margie Warrell </a>at <a contents="Success Magazine" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.success.com" target="_blank">Success Magazine</a>. Margie did a great job with this article! Click on her name to follow her on the social networks! <br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blogs/love-story-from-the-male-perspective--2/posts/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </strong></em></a> <br>--- <br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell/" target="_blank"><strong>Facebook</strong></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><strong>Instagram</strong></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong>Twitter</strong></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong>YouTube</strong></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><strong>Pinterest</strong></a>, or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"><strong>email list</strong></a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/62223712020-10-19T08:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:05:22-04:00How To Approach an Office Romance (and how not to)<p><em>How To Approach an Office Romance (and how not to)</em> by Amy Gallo. See below for details. </p>
<p>- - - <br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/5b197317d17f6066796774c403f9d839c7e8d2f8/original/office-romance.jpeg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpeg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Lots of people meet their partners at work, and yet dating someone in the office is often frowned upon. Some companies even have explicit policies against it. So what if you and a colleague have been flirting and might want to explore a relationship? Should you steer clear? Should what’s right from a professional perspective override what’s best for your personal life? <br><br><br><strong>What the Experts Say</strong> <br><br>There are perfectly good reasons why coworkers fall for one another, says Art Markman, a professor of psychology and marketing at the University of Texas at Austin. “You spend a tremendous amount of time at work and, if you put people in close proximity, working together, having open, vulnerable conversations, there’s a good chance there are going to be romantic relationships,” he says.<br><br>Research shows that we also tend to fall for people who are similar to ourselves, says Amy Nicole Baker, an associate professor of psychology at University of New Haven and author of several papers on workplace romance. And “the more familiar you are with the person, the more likely it is that you’ll become attracted to one another,” she says. If you’ve become romantically interested in a colleague, proceed carefully. Here are some things to think about. <br><br><br><strong>Know the risks</strong> <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Before you act on your feelings, it’s important to think through the risks — and there are quite a few. Of course, there’s the chance that the relationship won’t work out and that there will be hurt feelings on one or both sides. There are also potential conflicts of interest. Markman references the dual relationship principle, an “ironclad rule” in psychotherapy that therapists cannot have any relationships with patients beyond their professional one.<br><br>Obviously, the same rule doesn’t apply between coworkers — many people are close friends with colleagues, for example — but “having multiple relationships with someone creates potential conflicts of interest that can be hard to resolve,” he explains. If you’re dating your teammate, do you put the team’s or the individual’s interests first? There are also reputational risks. “Your professionalism may be called into question,” says Baker, “especially if people don’t see your motives for entering the relationship as positive.” Some colleagues may think you’re giving your romantic partner preferential treatment or vice versa. “Having a relationship with someone higher up in the organization can create an alternate explanation for why you’re succeeding,” says Markman. <br><br><br><strong>Have the best intentions </strong><br><br>If you’re aware of these risks and still want to move forward, research shows that your intentions matter. Your coworkers’ reactions will reflect what they believe your motives to be, says Baker. When they perceive you as having “ego motive” — seeking out the relationship to serve your own needs, whether it’s to get ahead in your company or for your own excitement — they will clearly think of you less favorably.<br><br>On the other hand, “studies show that coworkers are generally positive if they perceive that you’re falling in love and genuinely care about each other,” she says. So, before you jump in, check your motives and consider how others will perceive them. Having positive intentions at the start may also help guard against hurt feelings and misunderstandings should the romance eventually end. </p>
<p><br><strong>Know your company’s policies</strong> <br><br>Many companies prohibit employees from dating coworkers, vendors, customers, or suppliers, or require specific disclosures, so be sure to investigate before you start a relationship. “Follow the rules and try to understand the reasons they’re in place,” Baker says. “You ignore them at your peril.” If you’ve already violated a policy, she suggests you “come clean early” because “the longer you persist, the worse the consequences will be.”<br><br>Markman says that he’s seen companies “lifting those regulations in recent years both because they’re hard to enforce and they haven’t changed behavior.” For him, this is a positive. “The rules need to recognize the reality of the world and, when it comes to workplace relationships, we want to teach people principles for making good, adult decisions, not to legislate through punishment.” Rules are also evolving because of the #MeToo movement. For example, at Facebook and Google, you can only ask a coworker out once, and if the person says no or gives you an ambiguous response (“Sorry, I’m busy”) you’re not allowed to ask again. </p>
<p><br><strong>Stay away from your boss and your direct reports</strong> <br><br>No matter what your intentions are, it’s best not to date your managers or subordinates. “It is a bad idea to get involved with anybody who is in your chain of command — up or down,” says Markman. Baker agrees: ““We know from research that the outcomes aren’t as good; the perceptions are more negative.” That’s because this is where conflicts of interest are most stark. It’s hard to be objective when giving someone you’re dating a performance review, for example. And you don’t want people to think that you’re being unduly favored; it can erode your own confidence and hurt the team’s morale. Both experts acknowledge that boss-employee romances do happen — and sometimes those relationships work out. However, if that’s something you’d like to consider, they suggest you “take action immediately” to transfer to a new boss or reassign your direct report to another team. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>Don’t hide it </strong></p>
<p>Both Markman and Baker agree that it’s important to be open about the relationship with your coworkers and boss. This might be tough advice to follow, especially if you’re not sure where the relationship will go. “You don’t have to tell them after the first date,” says Markman, “but letting people know reduces the awkwardness” and increases the likelihood that they’ll be positive about the relationship. Besides, “if you don’t tell anybody, people will still figure it out,” he says.<br><br>Baker adds that clandestine romances tend to have poorer outcomes and can be “corrosive” to other relationships. “Secrets tend to erode our trust in one another and, when the truth comes out, people are going to feel lied to,” she explains. Keep your disclosure simple and straightforward. You might say something like, “We went on a few dates, but I’m sure you can understand that I don’t want to get into more detail about our personal lives.” <br><br>Make sure that your manager is one of the first to be informed. If this feels unnecessary, put yourself in your manager’s shoes, Markman says. Wouldn’t you want to know that two people on your team, or a team member and a colleague from another group, were dating? Then “let your bosses make the call on how to staff you. They may prefer you not work together. By telling them, you’re allowing them to make informed decisions.” Whether or not to tell HR will depend on the company policy and on how much you trust your colleagues in the department to handle the situation.<br><br>“If you have an HR department that’s good, you might want to have a record, especially if the relationship goes sour,” says Markman. “If your HR dept has a reputation for being all about checking boxes, don’t tell them.” There’s another important caveat: LGBTQ employees may not feel comfortable disclosing a relationship with a coworker, especially since you can still be fired in many states for being gay. “While many workplaces have become more diverse, they haven’t necessarily become more inclusive,” Markman says. “Many people may not feel comfortable talking about their relationships.” </p>
<p><br><strong>If you break up</strong> <br><br>Of course, not every romance will work out and if you or your partner decide to end things, it’s best to be prepared. There’s no reason to mince words: “It’s going to be very painful,” says Baker, but “you still need to be open about the break up.” Markman agrees: ““If you’ve been telling people about the relationship, keep them updated on the fact that you’re no longer together.” And try to remain as professional as possible.<br><br>“Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has said something less than sympathetic about an ex,” says Markman, “but you have to be civil as if nothing ever went wrong and hope that the other person will do the same.” If you find it too awkward or painful to continue working alongside the person, you may need to consider leaving the job or at least transferring to another department. No matter how the relationship turns out, it’s worth following some of Baker’s most simple advice: “The less drama, the better.” <br><br><br><strong>Principles to Remember </strong></p>
<p><strong>Do:</strong> </p>
<ul> <li>Know the many risks of getting involved with someone at work </li> <li>Familiarize yourself with your company’s policies – and the rationale behind them </li> <li>Talk through what you’ll do if the relationship doesn’t work out </li>
</ul>
<p><strong>Don’t:</strong> </p>
<ul> <li>Pursue a coworker if you’re not serious about a relationship </li> <li>Date someone who you have a reporting relationship with </li> <li>Try to hide the relationship from your manager or colleagues – it will only erode trust </li>
</ul>
<p><br><strong>Case Study #1: Always keep it professional </strong><br><br>Heather Townsend and her colleague, Alex, were both working at one of the Big Four accounting firms when they became interested in one another. But they were hesitant about getting romantically involved. “We thought dating at work was faux pas. I wouldn’t even have more than one glass of wine with a coworker,” she says. Still, the attraction was there and, while they never openly flirted, they were “friendly” over instant messages. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>After three months of uncertainty over where things were headed, Alex “finally said on instant message, ‘Do you want to go to dinner with me?’ and I said, ‘Yes.’” On their first date, they talked about how they would handle the situation in the office. “We were both very career-focused and agreed that we wanted to always keep it professional so that our careers wouldn’t be impacted.” <br><br>Heather told one friend at work that she was dating Alex, but they waited a few months before disclosing their status to HR. “While it got serious very quickly, we wanted to be sure,” she explains. Eventually, though, they were upfront with HR in part because they were at different levels of the organization and wanted to do it before any conflicts of interest arose. “We said something like, ‘We’re dedicated to the company and we don’t want this to affect our careers but we fell in love. What should we do?’”<br><br>The HR managers responded positively. The couple worked with HR to make sure they wouldn’t be on the same project and that Alex, who was more senior than Heather, wouldn’t be responsible for her performance reviews or advocating for her promotions. “There was no way he could write an unbiased review,” she says. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Once they had that support, Heather told her boss and a few other colleagues. “That’s when the gossip started,” she says, “but we didn’t let it bother us. We kept working hard and rose above it.” Still, she was concerned about the potential impact on her reputation. “I didn’t want it to seem like I was doing well at the company because of who I was dating, and I didn’t want people to think I didn’t take my career seriously.”<br><br>So, she and Alex made a conscious decision to treat each other like co-workers first and foremost whenever they were in the office. “I didn’t stop by his desk or kiss him on the cheek or have casual conversations. We would go out for coffee, but we always met by the elevator.” <br><br>Heather left the company about nine months into their relationship for unrelated reasons, and she and Alex wed several years later. While they no longer work together, they are still happily married. </p>
<p><br><strong>Case Study #2: Why secrecy doesn’t work </strong><br><br>When Becca Pierson (some names and details have been changed) worked at a large tech company, she was assigned to help a new employee, Meryl, onboard. After getting to know one another over several months, the two women started dating. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>“We were on different teams, but we interacted regularly,” Becca explains. “Though I wasn’t her manager, I was more senior, which made me nervous. I thought it would look really bad to my team if they knew I was dating someone who was at the same level as them.” <br><br>They chose to keep their relationship a secret. “It was complicated because she wasn’t out of the closet,” Becca explains. “She’s from a country where being gay is essentially illegal.” Although the secrecy made “things more exciting in a way, more romantic and special,” it also caused a lot of anxiety. Becca couldn’t tell her friends — at work or outside it — what she was doing a lot of the time. “It was weird that no one knew the relationship existed. It felt like going back in the closet. I think when you’re hiding a work relationship — whether you’re gay or straight — it can feel that way.” <br><br>They dated for close to a year and were able to keep the secret that whole time. “I don’t think anyone ever knew,” she says. Becca feels like the secrecy ultimately broke them up. “I didn’t feel like it was a real relationship; it was almost like living a double life.” She even felt somewhat relieved when it ended. “I didn’t think I could do it for much longer. She wasn’t out to her family, and we couldn’t imagine how that would ever work.” <br><br>While Becca and Meryl remain friends, Becca says that the whole experience has made her want to steer clear from having another relationship at work. </p>
<p><br><strong>Case Study #3: When it doesn’t work out </strong><br><br>Jordan Lu (names and some details have been changed) fell for his coworker, Susan, after they’d been at the same investment bank for less than three months. “We hadn’t been working together that long. She’d joined the company before me.” <br><br>He felt like the romance didn’t present a conflict of interest because there wasn’t a reporting relationship between them. “Though I was technically senior to her in terms of hierarchy —she was an analyst and I was an associate — she did not report to me and I wasn’t involved in assigning her work, managing or evaluating her,” he explains. “We did sometimes work together as part of a big team but were never on the same team when we were dating.” <br><br>This was the first time Jordan had ever been involved romantically with someone at work and he says he was “extremely naïve” and didn’t consider the risks. “I don’t think either of us thought that far ahead to be honest. We sort of stumbled into the relationship.” <br><br>Since it was casual at first, they didn’t think to tell anyone. But when it got more serious they felt like it was too late. “It just seemed odd to raise at that point, several months in,” he says. “She was being considered for a promotion, so we didn’t want [the disclosure] to potentially impact that process.” They each had a friend at work — someone Jordan had known for a while and Susan’s roommate — who knew about the relationship. “They were both people we trusted to a high degree.” <br><br>Eventually, however, the relationship fizzled and the pair broke up. “That was the most awkward part of it all,” Jason says. “We ended up having to work much more closely on different projects, and, though it was always polite between us, there was definitely an incredible amount of tension and simmering resentment,” he says. “While it was never apparent to others, it was not pleasant.” The situation contributed to his departure from the company. “It was so awkward, and I felt like we both needed space.”<br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="How To Approach an Office Romance" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://hbr.org/2019/02/how-to-approach-an-office-romance-and-how-not-to" target="_blank"><em>How To Approach an Office Romance</em></a> by <a contents="Amy Gallo" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.amyegallo.com/" target="_blank">Amy Gallo</a> at <a contents="Harvard Business Review" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://hbr.org/2019/02/how-to-approach-an-office-romance-and-how-not-to" target="_blank">Harvard Business Review</a>. Amy did a great job with this article! Click on her name to follow her on the social networks! </p>
<p>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blogs/love-story-from-the-male-perspective--2/posts/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></strong> </a> <br>---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell/" target="_blank"><strong>Facebook</strong></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><strong>Instagram</strong></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong>Twitter</strong></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong>YouTube</strong></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong>Pinterest</strong></a>, or subscribe to his <strong><a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> </strong>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/58624932020-10-16T07:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:05:27-04:00How to Say Goodbye: The Art of Ending Relationships Well<p><em>How to Say Goodbye: The Art of Ending Relationships Well</em> by Matthew Jones. See below for details. </p>
<p>- - - <br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2edd4f4a42a7ea8b366879b518f5fe3fc1642549/original/the-art-of-ending-relationships.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />A brutal truth about life is that we can die at any moment. </p>
<p>In an instant, people that we know and love--friends and family members--can be taken from us, leaving the rest of us to work through the many feelings we have towards the deceased. </p>
<p>While saying goodbye is not the same as someone dying, in some cases they're similar. </p>
<p>Have you ever moved or graduated or secured a new job? </p>
<p>How many of your friends and associates did you maintain contact with? </p>
<p>Chances are, many of the people you used to spend time with--even the ones you attempted to stay connected to--faded away with time and distance. That's because it takes a significant amount of energy to sustain emotional connections while confronting the demands of adulthood. </p>
<p>Now, you may think to yourself, "but I see them all the time on social media." But we both know that watching someone's highlight reel isn't the same as being with them as they navigate life's complexities. </p>
<p>So, in some respects, your moving to a new environment resulted in something similar to death: your communication stopped. And your relationship to that person changed. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>That's why psychologists and other experts trained in mental, emotional, and psychological wellbeing prioritize what they call termination. </p>
<p>Termination occurs when a therapist and client end their relationship. And what's most interesting about termination is how and when it's discussed. </p>
<p>Whereas most relationships fade into the background, terminations are intentional. They are discussed for weeks and sometimes months prior to the actual ending. </p>
<p>As someone ending treatment with many of my clients, I've brought up termination--or the ending of our therapeutic relationship--several times throughout our work. But especially over the last month. </p>
<p>Each time clients say something that feels relevant to the ending of our work, I remind them about our ending. I specify how many sessions we have left. And I invite them to share more of their thoughts and feelings about it. </p>
<p>When done properly, termination can help people leave the relationship with a sense of closure, wellbeing, and confidence in their future. </p>
<p>Paradoxically, the only way that people can access those positive feelings is by sharing all of their frustrations, fears, regrets, and wishes prior to the relationship ending. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>During what I call the "termination phase" of treatment, I focus on creating space for a wide range of feelings. I encourage clients to share thoughts that they've typically kept private. I empathize with their wide range of responses. And I share my own reactions to the ending of our relationship. </p>
<p>I do all of this while summarizing the themes of our work. Encouraging clients to think about what they've learned from our time together. Setting goals for the future. And asking clients to imagine what life will be like without our sessions. </p>
<p>Sometimes these conversations are short. Other times, they are long and full of intense feelings. But more often than not, even having these talks gives clients the opportunity to do something new: end our relationship the way that they'd like to. </p>
<p>Most often, we don't have the ability to choose how to end relationships. People stop showing up. People fade away. People move. Or a million other things happen that prevent the relationship from ending the way both parties would prefer. </p>
<p>There's no right or wrong way to feel about a relationship ending. Each person varies according to their personality, their history, and their preferences. However, there can be better and worse ways to go about ending a relationship. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Ghosting leaves people on both sides with unfinished business. Avoiding these uncomfortable conversations can do the same. And both of those result in people experiencing lingering thoughts and feelings for years to come. </p>
<p>These feelings can take the form of anger or frustration at the person for leaving. They can be sadness, regret, or guilt from your inability to share your thoughts and feelings with them. And they can also involve feeling a sense of relief--being thankful that the relationship is over. </p>
<p>That's why termination, or the ending of relationships in whatever form they take, can feel a lot like death. No matter how different they appear, sometimes the emotional impact is similar. </p>
<p>While it may be uncomfortable to think about the loss of relationship as a death, bringing that seriousness and intentionality to such endings can result in greater fulfillment for both people. It gives you a chance to say things you typically wouldn't and opens you to feedback you might not otherwise receive. </p>
<p>So instead of pulling away from the emotional discomfort, face it. Move towards these conversations by having them early and often. Accept with open arms all of the feelings that get expressed. And say what you need to say. </p>
<p>That way you can leave the relationship feeling ready to continue living your rewarding and fulfilling life. </p>
<p>This article first appeared as <em><a contents="How to Say Goodbye: The Art of Ending Relationships Well" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/matthew-jones/how-to-say-goodbye-art-of-ending-relationships-well.html" target="_blank">How to Say Goodbye: The Art of Ending Relationships Well</a> </em>by <a contents="Matthew Jones" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/author/matthew-jones" target="_blank">Matthew Jones</a> at <a contents="Inc" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com" target="_blank">Inc</a>. Matthew did a great job with this article! Click on his name to follow him on the social networks! </p>
<p><strong>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a> </strong><br>--- </p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/58617522020-10-16T07:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:05:30-04:00No, You Can't Make a Person Change<p><em>No, You Can't Make a Person Change</em> by Mark Manson. See below for details. </p>
<p>- - - <br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/6ae1e4e5ee87845f445c6df8f9ca97fad221d629/original/you-cant-make-a-person-change.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />We’ve all had that one person—that one person in our lives that we always find ourselves saying, “If only they would…” Month after month, year after year—we love them, we care about them, we worry for them, but when we turn off the light or hang up the phone, we think to ourselves, “If only they would…” </p>
<p>Maybe it’s a family member. Maybe they’re depressed. Heartbroken. Despondent. Maybe they don’t believe in themselves. And every time you see them, you try to fill them with love and confidence, you compliment their new Spiderman shirt and tell them how cool their new haircut is. You casually encourage them and offer some unsolicited tips and recommend a book or two and silently say to yourself: </p>
<p>“If only they would believe in themselves…” </p>
<p>Or maybe it’s a friend. Maybe you see them screwing up left, right, and center. Drinking too much. Cheating on their partner. Blowing all their money on their odd yet obsessive go-kart hobby. You pull them aside and give them the hands-on-the-shoulders pep talk that friends are supposed to do. Maybe you offer to take a look at their bank statement and maybe even give them a loan or two. Meanwhile, in the back of your head, you keep thinking: </p>
<p>“If only they would get their stuff together…” </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Or maybe it’s the worst. Maybe it’s your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Or even worse, it’s your ex- husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe it’s over but you keep clinging to the hope that they’ll somehow change. That there’s some special piece of information that they missed that would change everything. Maybe you keep buying them books that they never read. Maybe you drag them to a therapist that they don’t want to go to. Maybe you try leaving tearful voicemails at two in the morning, screaming, “WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!!?” </p>
<p>Yeah, like that’s ever worked… <br> <br>We’ve all got that person in our lives. Loving them hurts. But losing them hurts. So, we decide, the only way to salvage this emotional cluster is to somehow change them. </p>
<p>“If only they would…” </p>
<p>On my speaking tour this spring, I held short Q&A sessions at the end of each talk. Invariably, in every city, at least one person would stand up, offer a long explanation of their messed up situation and end it with, “How do I get him/her to change? If only they would do X, things would be better.” </p>
<p>And my answer, in every situation, was the same: you can’t. </p>
<p>You can’t make somebody change. You can inspire them to change. You can educate them towards change. You can support them in their change. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>But you can’t make them change. </p>
<p>That’s because making someone do something, even if it’s for their own good, requires either coercion or manipulation. It requires intervening in their life in a way that is a boundary violation, and it will therefore damage the relationship—in some cases more than it helps. </p>
<p>These are boundary violations that often go unnoticed because they’re done with such good intentions. Timmy lost his job. Timmy is laying on his mom’s couch, broke, and feeling sorry for himself every day. So, Mom starts filling out job applications for Timmy. Mom starts yelling at Timmy, calling him names and guilt-tripping him for being such a loser. Maybe she even throws his Playstation out the window for good measure, just to give him that extra oomph of motivation. </p>
<p>While Mom’s intentions may be good, and while some may even see this as a dramatically noble form of tough love, this type of behavior ultimately backfires. It’s a boundary violation. It’s taking responsibility for another person’s actions and emotions, and even when done with the best of intentions, boundary violations screw relationships up. </p>
<p>Think about it this way. Timmy is feeling sorry for himself. Timmy is struggling to see any point in living in this cruel, heartless world. Then, suddenly, Mom comes in and trashes his Playstation while literally going out and getting a job for him. Not only does this not solve Timmy’s problem of believing the world is cruel and heartless and he has no place in it, but it is actually further evidence to Timmy that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. </p>
<p>After all, if Timmy wasn’t such a screw up, he wouldn’t need his mom to go out and get a job for him, would he? </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Instead of Timmy learning, “Hey, the world is all right, I can handle this,” the lesson is, “Oh yeah, I’m a grown man who still needs his mother to do everything for him—I knew there was something wrong with me.” <br><br>It’s in this way that the best attempts at helping someone often backfire. You can’t make someone be confident or respect themselves or take responsibility—because the means you use to do this destroys confidence, respect, and responsibility. </p>
<p>For a person to truly change, they must feel that the change is theirs, that they chose it, they control it. Otherwise, it loses all its effect. </p>
<p>A common criticism of my work is that, unlike most self-help authors, I don’t tell people what to do. I don’t lay out action plans with steps A through F or create dozens of exercises at the end of every chapter. </p>
<p>But I don’t do it for a very simple reason: I don’t get to decide what’s right for you. I don’t get to decide what makes you a better person. And even if I did decide, the fact that I told you to do it, rather than you doing it for yourself, robs you of most of the emotional benefits. </p>
<p>The people who tend to populate the self-help world are there because they have a chronic inability to take responsibility for their choices. It’s full of people who have floated through life looking for someone else—some authority figure or organization or set of principles—to tell them exactly what to think, what to do, what to give a care about. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>But the problem is, every value system eventually fails. Every definition of success eventually turns up crap. And if you’re dependent on someone else’s values, then you’re going to feel lost and identity-less from the start. </p>
<p>So, if someone like me stands on stage and tells you that for half your life savings, I will take responsibility for your life and tell you exactly what to do and what to value, not only am I merely perpetuating your original problem, but I’m making a killing while doing it. </p>
<p>People who have survived trauma, who have been abandoned or shamed or felt lost, they’ve survived that pain by latching onto worldviews that promise them hope. But until they learn to generate that hope for themselves, to choose their own values, to take responsibility for their own experiences, nothing will truly heal. And for someone to intervene and say, “Here, take my value system on a silver platter. Would you like fries with that?” only perpetuates the problem, even if done with the best of intentions.1 </p>
<p>(Caveat: Active intervention in someone’s life can be necessary if that person has become a danger to themselves or others. And when I say, “danger” I mean actual danger—they’re overdosing on drugs or becoming erratic and violent and having hallucinations that they’re living with Charlie in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.)<br><br><br>HOW CAN YOU HELP PEOPLE? <br><br>So, if you can’t force someone to change, if intervening in their life in such a way as to remove the responsibility for their own choices ultimately backfires, what can you do? How do you help people? <br><br><br>1. LEAD BY EXAMPLE <br><br>Anyone who has ever made a major change in their life has noticed that it has a ripple effect on their relationships. You stop drinking and partying, and suddenly your drinking friends feel like you’re ignoring them or are “too good” for them. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>But sometimes, just sometimes, maybe one of those party friends thinks to themselves, “Damn, yeah, I should probably cut back too,” and they get off the party boat with you. They make the same change you did. And it’s not because you intervened and were like, “Dude, stop getting blackout drunk on a Tuesday,” it’s simply because you stopped blacking out, and that became inspiring to others.<br><br><br>2. INSTEAD OF GIVING SOMEONE ANSWERS, GIVE THEM BETTER QUESTIONS <br><br>Once you recognize that forcing your own answers on somebody sabotages the benefits of those answers, the only option left available is to help the person ask better questions. </p>
<p>Instead of saying, “You should fight for a raise,” you could say, “Do you believe you’re paid fairly?” </p>
<p>Instead of saying, “You need to stop tolerating your sister’s bullshit,” you could say, “Do you feel responsible for your sister’s bullshit?” </p>
<p>Instead of saying, “Stop pooping your pants, it’s disgusting,” you could say, “Have you ever considered a toilet? Here, may I show you how to use it?” </p>
<p>Giving people questions is hard. It requires patience. And thought. And care. But that’s probably why it’s so useful. When you pay a therapist, you’re essentially just paying for better questions. And this is why some people find therapy to be “useless,” because they thought they were signing up for answers to their problems, but all they got was more questions. <br><br><br>3. OFFER HELP UNCONDITIONALLY <br><br>This isn’t to say you can never give people answers. But those answers must be sought by the person themselves. There’s a world of difference between me saying, “Hey, I know what’s best for you,” and you coming to me and saying, “What do you think is best for me?” </p>
<p>One respects your autonomy and self-determination. The other does not. </p>
<p>Therefore, often the best thing you can do is simply make it known that you are available if a person needs you. It’s the classic, “Hey, I know you’re going through a hard time right now. If you ever want to talk, let me know.” </p>
<p>But it can also be more specific. A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through some stuff with his parents. Instead of giving him advice or telling him what he should do, I simply told him about some of the problems I had with my parents in the past that I believed were similar. The goal wasn’t to force my friend to take my advice or do what I did or even to give a care about what happened to me. That was all up to him. </p>
<p>I was simply making an offering. Putting something out there. And if it was useful to him in any way, he could use it. If not, that’s fine too. </p>
<p>Because when done that way, our stories carry value outside of ourselves. It’s not me giving him advice. It’s my experience lending perspective to his experience. And his right to choose and take responsibility for his experience is never impeded, never encroached, always honored. </p>
<p>Because, ultimately, we are each only capable of changing ourselves. Sure, Timmy may have a sweet job and one less Playstation, but until his self-definition changes, until his feelings about himself and his life shift, he’s the same old Timmy. Except now with a much more frustrated mother.</p>
<p>This article first appeared as <a contents="No, You Can't Make a&nbsp;Person Change" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/no-you-cant-make-a-person-change" target="_blank"><em>No, You Can't Make a Person Change</em></a> by <a contents="Mark Manson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net" target="_blank">Mark Manson</a> at his <a contents="blog" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net" target="_blank">blog</a>. Mark did a great job with this article! Click on his name to follow him on the social networks! </p>
<p><strong>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></a></strong><br>--- </p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><strong><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </strong></em>or subscribe to his <strong><a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> </strong>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/39040812020-10-15T08:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:05:17-04:00A Letter To My Future Son: Don’t Let One Girl Ruin Every Other Girl For You<p><em>A Letter To My Future Son: Don’t Let One Girl Ruin Every Other Girl For You</em> by Samantha Lebbos. See below for details.</p>
<p>- - -<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/60ee01bb27f2dc7e1c33ef4f8e50bb56ebb7de28/medium/a-letter-to-my-future-son-don-t-let-one-girl-ruin-every-other-girl-for-you.jpg?1445607103" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>It’s the first date. Could you be any more nervous?<br><br>As you pace around your room trying to find the perfect outfit, packing on the cologne and practicing what you’ll say in front of the mirror, you hope this one date will turn the girl into your girlfriend.<br><br>You take one big, deep breath, look in the mirror one last time, grab some money from your father and head out to pick her up. Although you’re feeling nervous and excited at the same time, you’re mostly just happy she agreed to a date.<br><br>You pull up to her place, knock on the door like a true gentleman and introduce yourself to her parents. You better listen when they give you both rules about what time she needs to be home; their daughter is in your hands.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Feel accomplished and don’t take your responsibility for granted; gaining trust is hard and losing trust is easy. Gaining that trust back is nearly impossible.<br><br>As you both start the night off with laughs and conversations about your teachers, you innocently have the best time of your lives. Nothing else matters at this point; you are both on the same page.<br><br>There’s no rush now, like there is when you are just saying “hi” passing by in the school hallway. As you are still naive, you convince yourself that this is the girl you want to marry.<br><br>Oh, young love, it’s a beautiful thing when you’re caught up in the moment. I won’t sugarcoat it for you: Everything falls apart if you don’t both put in the effort. Young love is a time to explore and you two might not be on the same wavelength for as long as you’d like.<br><br>In the midst of it all a couple weeks later, the love turns to hate; you wonder when it happened. She’s moved on. Her heart latched on to someone else. But that’s how people are; they move on, and sadly, you’re the one left heartbroken.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I can see it when you walk through the door from school, and when you go straight to your room and give me one-word answers after I ask, “How was your day?”<br><br>When did your heartache take over your entire life? As your mom, I can assuredly say that there is a silver lining. Heartbreaks never last; take my word for it.<br><br>That nauseating feeling at the pit of your stomach that keeps you up at night is brutal, I know. I’m older and more experienced with this crap, I promise. It’s the memories that make the pain so much worse. Those memories are engraved in your brain and only time can heal it all.<br><br>Eventually you’ll mature, go to college and move on. You’ll meet plenty of ladies out and about while at sporting events or the bar (don’t forget the legal drinking age is 21).<br><br>Between all of the emotions you felt with your very first love, I need you to understand one thing: I never want you to lose the confidence you had on that very first date.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You know those exciting jitters you had before your first kiss, and that effort you made to stay up all night and talk on the phone even if you were tired?<br><br>I want you to have those before every date you go on because when you meet the right girl and those same feelings happen every time you see her, you’ll know she’s the one. Those feelings won’t fade like they did with the wrong girls who broke your heart.<br><br>Don’t let one heartbreak give you the same perception of every girl. Don’t bring the baggage from the last relationship to the next one because it’s just not fair. No, not every girl is the same; don’t ever say that.<br><br>Everyone has his or her one true person; you just haven’t found yours yet. Please, don’t become a jerk. Don’t be that one person who doesn’t open the door and pick up the check.<br><br>Please, don’t lay your finger on a girl unless you are hugging her or kissing her or — when you find your true love, of course — undressing her.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Please, don’t be that boy who takes her choice of wanting to take it slow as an insult. Take it slow; you’re still so young. Most importantly, choose wisely.<br><br>Don’t sleep with every girl you get the chance to sleep with because when you’re mature and you find someone you really want to be with, your past matters. <br><br>When you go through all of these heartbreaks, you will always get back on your feet and grow stronger as a person. With every struggle, you will learn more about yourself.<br><br>You’ll realize that when you find your true love, get married and have a family, you will pass all of this advice along to your son. Looking on the other side, you’ll also want the same exact thing for your daughter.<br><br>Above all, in the end, you’ll finally understand the difference between being a boy and being a man.<br><br>P.S. Don’t forget you are babysitting tomorrow night; your dad and I are going on a date. XO<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Love you forevaaa and evvaaaa,<br>The Number One Woman In Your Life (aka, your mom)<br><br>This article first appeared as<em> <a contents="A Letter To My Future Son: Don’t Let One Girl Ruin Every Other Girl For You" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/letter-future-son-treat-every-girl-way-treated-first-date/660116/" target="_blank">A Letter To My Future Son: Don’t Let One Girl Ruin Every Other Girl For You</a></em> by <a contents="Samantha Lebbos" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/slebbos/" target="_blank">Samantha Lebbos</a> on <a contents="Elite Daily" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/" target="_blank">Elite Daily</a>. Mrs. Lebbos did a great job with this article! Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31222282020-10-13T16:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:05:42-04:005 Great Ways To Enjoy Being Single<p><em>5 Great Ways To Enjoy Being Single </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/91c0d0df23bbf26fc65fa5c142325856da3d918f/medium/5-great-ways-to-enjoy-being-single.jpg?1446481484" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>It’s been my observation that society in general is becoming more aware of the importance of knowing and understanding ourselves before committing to a partner.<br><br>We seek to understand ourselves, our own wants and desires, thus embracing the single life until we’re ready to fully commit to a relationship.<br><br>For those who spent their earlier years in committed romantic relationships, and you want a fresh start getting to know yourself, this article will stimulate some ideas to help you enjoy and get the most out of your single life.<br><br><br><strong>1. Get active and adventurous.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you’re sitting in your home or office all day, the weekend arrives, and you don’t want to look at anything work related… where does your mind wander? <br><br>Yoga, Biking, Hiking, Running, Swimming, Mountain Climbing, Traveling, Concerts, Barbeques? Make a list of where your mind wanders, for that will tell you a lot about yourself. Then, start participating and enjoying yourself. <br><br>Not only will you find a life of adventure, but when you’re ready for romance, you’ve met some great, likeminded people along the way who share similar interests. <br><br><br><strong>2. Reconnect with old friends.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There are friends and old acquaintances you wish you had time to get to know… who are also single.<br><br>You’ll have a blast together once you reconnect. They may even introduce you to interests of theirs that you didn’t know could be so much fun.<br><br>You’ll also meet their friends and expand your social networks. That means you’re likely to meet future best friends you never knew existed.<br><br><br><strong>3. Pursue your dream moneymaker.</strong><br><br>You might be an artist who now has more time to learn how to promote and sell your art, or you might like the idea of working with people already established in an industry that intrigues you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You can set up meetings, lunches, coffee times, and outings with different people you want to learn from and/or work with.<br><br>We all want to be at a place where we make a living just doing what we love. Now you have more free time to explore those possibilities. Go for it!<br><br><br><strong>4. If people think it’s strange you’re single… know they’ll get over it.</strong><br><br>Why are people great at giving us suggestions and advice? Because they don’t have to live with the consequences of our decisions. We do.<br><br>I don’t understand myself very well. I’m working on that. But I understand me better than anyone in my family and within my close group of friends.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If you know what’s right for you, then do it.<br><br><br><strong>5. Remember who’s in your life now… who would love your love.</strong><br><br>My parents and brother are awesome. And I have a handful of very close friends I’ve known for years who I can depend on for anything. <br><br>When I pour my love and attention into them, and I’m there for them when they need me, guess what? Their countenance lights up like a firefly. <br><br>Our relationship that’s already built on years of love, respect, trust… it grows stronger, deeper, and the loneliness I felt away from them dissipates.<br><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>In closing:</strong><br><br>I like to look at my life and see who’s already there, who loves me and thinks I’m pretty amazing, and then I like to spend my time with them as often as possible.<br><br>Since I’ve adopted these attitudes, my life has become much, much richer.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/32113102020-10-11T08:10:00-04:002022-04-05T18:05:53-04:008 Things Men Find Romantic<p><em>8 Things Men Find Romantic </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>Note: If these topics interest you, please see the following books whose writings helped inspire this article: Willard Harley's <em>His Needs Her Needs</em> and Gary Smalley's <em>The Five Love Languages</em>.<br><br>---<br><br>You’re probably doing better than you think at romancing your man. Though it’s hard to define exactly what qualifies as “romance” when it comes to <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/0a2d87d216caf0c73036d91c8ce5bf4e2ef12993/medium/8-things-men-find-romantic.jpeg?1412115052" class="size_m justify_center border_" />men, there are many things we men appreciate from our women. And when we know we’re respected and appreciated (don't miss this), it ignites the fires deep within.<br><br><br><strong>1. If your man likes to give and receive gifts… </strong><br><br>Is there a material item or event he keeps obsessing about? Can you surprise him with it? <br><br>Not only does gift giving show you care about his happiness, but that you were paying attention to his likes and that you respect him. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Respect is key with men. “A man wants to be respected and a woman wants to be loved,” is a popular quote among family therapists. Imagine how different your life would be if everyone loved you. For men, replace the word “love” with “respect” and you’ll begin to understand the motives behind many of his actions and words. <br><br><br><strong>2. If your man likes to perform acts of service to express his love… </strong><br><br>How can you help make the events and occurrences in his day easier? What if you ran certain errands for him and/or prepared his favorite meal without him asking for help?<br><br>I’ve heard women attest that when they started serving their husbands, over time, their husbands began reciprocating. Sometimes leadership is volunteering to be the first to serve, even though there’s fear of being taken advantage of.<br><br><br><strong>3. If your man likes you to join him in his hobby…</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Can you cancel your plans and spend time with him in his hobby? One of the top needs men express is Recreational Companionship.<br><br>When he has things to look forward to, and he’s doing it with you, the woman he fell in love with, this can definitely rekindle sparks. <br><br><br><strong>4. If your man loves to spend quality time with people…</strong> <br><br>Would you be willing to prepare (buying or cooking) a meal in your home and invited his friends and their wives to join you? Then, give the boys guy time afterward. <br><br>He’ll be refreshed in having that time with the people he loves most. Not only will your time planning and/or cooking for him will speak wonders, but he’ll associate those good feelings to your act of sacrificial love, and that’s a huge plus for your relationship.<br><br>On my brother’s birthday, his wife will call all his friends (even if there’s some she doesn’t care for), and they’ll all surprise him at his favorite restaurant. He thinks that’s awesome.<br><br><br><strong>5. If your man loves to shower people with words of affirmation…</strong> <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>What if you made a list of things you admire and respect about him and give it to him or leave it for him to find?<br><br>Any man would love receiving a letter from his wife, telling him what she admires and respects about him.<br><br>The greatest complaint men have is that their wives don’t respect them. I’ve heard it from many men: “I have my daily struggles, my insecurities, my fears, my unmet hopes and dreams, but I do the best I can to provide for my wife and family. And I rarely feel appreciated for it.”<br><br>We men are horrible self-critics. The weight of the world can be on our shoulders and we’ll say our day is just fine. <br><br>Maybe it’s because the older men in our lives taught us to be tough, suck it up, and do our duty. Or maybe we’re biologically wired to serve as providers/protectors and feel ashamed when our ability to fulfill that role is jeopardized. <br><br>But I know this. The greatest compliment a boy will ever receive is when the father figure in his life pats his shoulder at a well-deserved moment and says, “You did good, young man.” As a man, if he hears similar comments from people he loves or respects, he’ll light up like a firefly.<br><br><br><strong>6. If your man’s a touchy-feely kinda guy or if he loves sex…</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You already know what he likes in that arena. If not, just ask. If he doesn’t believe you truly want to know, just try different things until he tells you what feels good.<br><br><br><strong>7. If your man loves to see you looking beautiful…</strong><br><br>We all love to see our lady in sweats and a t-shirt. Especially if it’s our t-shirt. But the next time you are out in public together for an outing or event, put extra time into your appearance.<br><br>Men like to be proud of how their spouse looks and behaves. No man aspires to marry a woman who has stopped caring about the way she looks. <br><br>Men love to brag about and show off their wives. This isn’t about some sort of trophy wife parade, but it reflects his genuine appreciation of you.<br><br>When men have a companion who takes care of herself, she helps him look good in front of his friends, peers, and colleagues. “She takes care of herself because he takes care of her,” they think to themselves. <br><br><br><strong>8. If your man likes public affection…</strong><br><br>While you’re having your evening out, consider looping your arm in his, hold his hand, lean your head on his shoulder, or just be right there at his side. You probably already know what he likes and is comfortable with. If not, just ask.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You’re telling him (and all those watching) that this man’s important, you respect, admire, and can depend on him, and that you’ll be there for him when he needs you.<br><br><br><strong>9. If – No, ALL men want to love to come home.</strong><br><br>When he comes home, show him you’re glad he’s there, and that you’re glad you married him, however that is manifested. <br><br>Over time, if he knows home is a safe and welcome place and that he’s loved there for whom he is, he’ll come to a place where he can’t wait to come home to be with you. <br><br>Men are sensitive to how they match up with other men. The money they make, the house and/or neighborhood they live in, the vehicles they drive, the schools their children go to, how their children perform, how other men treat their partners and children, etc. <br><br>He may often wonder if you’re still happy you decided to marry him. <br><br>We men like to feel secure in our beliefs, values, decisions, our accomplishments, etc. This never ends. Ambition means a lot to us men. When goals are met, new ones are set.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don't Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don't Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>- - -<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">,</span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/39040712020-10-10T08:50:00-04:002022-04-05T18:06:03-04:00The Secret To Staying With Someone Forever: Keep Falling In Love (And Never Stop)<p><em>The Secret To Staying With Someone Forever: Keep Falling In Love (And Never Stop) </em>by Paul Hudson. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/74ab3dbdb4371deffb18c69744d2cee4c8887fc2/medium/the-secret-to-staying-with-someone-forever-keep-falling-in-love-and-never-stop.jpg?1445606516" class="size_m justify_center border_" />You’re not exactly sure what’s going on. Your heart keeps racing, regardless of whether or not you’re in this person’s presence.<br><br>Thoughts flood your mind, making it difficult to focus on anything other than the person in front of you.<br><br>This person is there with you throughout the day, keeping you company in your moments of solitude.<br><br>You can’t let go of him or her because this person has somehow managed to seep through your pores, fusing and making the distinction between you and this person a little more than shadow.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You’re falling in love, and the world finally just started spinning. The moment you realize what it is that you’re getting yourself into is the moment that you take a fresh breath of life and begin living.<br><br>Falling in love is the most memorable moment of your life – each and every time it happens. In life, you should never stop falling in love because the moment that you do, the colors start to fade.<br><br>We’re cursed to forever draw comparisons between new experiences and memories.<br><br>Just as much as it is advantageous, having the ability to prop two things side by side, compare them and analyze them, is also what damns us to a life riddled with sadness and disappointment.<br><br>Accepting that the lows in life are necessary for the highs isn’t built into our nature.<br><br>We are creatures who never want to lose. We never want to lessen our holdings, our place in the world and social circles.<br><br>We are individuals who fear loss. When we take a look at experiences we’ve had and emotions that we’ve felt, we compare them to what it is that we are feeling at the present moment.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>While memories allow us to look back fondly, they simultaneously lessen the pleasure that we receive from what we are now experiencing.<br><br>Because we hate losing, we love the idea of always rising higher, always getting more, experiencing something novel and, above all else, improving.<br><br>We’re in a constant competition with ourselves trying to outdo our pleasant moments in life with more pleasant and more memorable ones.<br><br>All of this, however, is an illusion – a trick that we play on ourselves. And it’s this constant pursuit of that higher high that will make you feel as if you’re constantly on the losing team.<br><br>To win in life and to form a successful partnership, you have to learn to appreciate the uniqueness of every moment you live.<br><br>Every little thing that you see and experience in life is different from everything else that you have ever experienced.<br><br>No two seconds in your life will ever be the same. No two moments will ever taste exactly like another, nor will you ever again live this very minute of your life.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We all live on borrowed time. The person you are this very second is not the person you were the last.<br><br>The difference may be minuscule, unnoticeable even. Yet, a difference there is. When looking over a wider span of time, it’s readily noticeable how much we change as people.<br><br>This very same principle applies to every person in the world. It applies to your friends, your family, your colleagues and your lovers.<br><br>Every moment you spend with the person you love is a moment you will never get back.<br><br>It’s a moment in time that ceases to exist as soon as it comes into being.<br><br>The time that you have with the one you love is time that you ought to cherish, regardless of how it makes you feel compared to how other moments in your life made you feel.<br><br>What you once felt is gone. You can’t live in past, allowing fossilized emotions to influence your decisions. What you are feeling right now is the only time in your life that you will feel exactly that way.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>This moment is unique. It isn’t duplicable and therefore it should be appreciated.<br><br>Because we take each moment for granted, we lose sight of the fact that love is a living thing that needs to be nurtured.<br><br>The secret to loving, lasting relationships is simple. You need to fall in love with the person all over again and do so as often as possible.<br><br>We all remember that moment when we come to realize that this stranger we met not too long ago holds great value to us, the moment we realize that we care about this person as much as we care about ourselves.<br><br>This magical moment will almost certainly never be as magical as it was the first time around. When you fall in love with someone the first time, the novelty of it all intensifies the experience.<br><br>It raises your awareness of both the individual you love and the emotions you’re experiencing.<br><br>The first time will always be the most intense of times if only because of that extra stimulant.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>This, however, does not mean that falling in love over and over again with the same individual isn’t possible.<br><br>All it means is that falling in love with this person will never feel the same as it did the first time around.<br><br>It will feel different each and every time and it will be for different reasons, under different conditions and circumstances.<br><br>Nevertheless, falling in love continuously over a lifetime with that single person is not only possible, but necessary in order for you to be part of the sort of relationship you’ve always dreamed of.<br><br>What you cannot allow yourself to do, however, is to spend time comparing the way that you are now feeling to the way that you felt initially when Cupid struck his arrow.<br><br>Doing so will only nullify the emotions that you should be feeling. The past will drown out the present if you don’t learn to love the moment for what it is alone and nothing else.<br><br>Don’t run from fear of losing love. You can’t lose it. You can only stop creating it.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a></p>
<p>This article first appeared as <a contents="The Secret To Staying With Someone Forever: Keep Falling In Love (And Never Stop) " data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/successful-relationships-rely-continuously-falling-love/683427/" target="_blank"><em>The Secret To Staying With Someone Forever: Keep Falling In Love (And Never Stop)</em> </a>by <a contents="Paul Hudson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/paul-hudson/" target="_blank">Paul Hudson</a>. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38526522020-10-09T06:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:06:14-04:007 Smart Ways to Deal with Toxic People<p><em>7 Smart Ways to Deal with Toxic People</em> by Marc Chernoff. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/1ab9bc79ec4cf634f63634d5b62b23be66bcc736/medium/7-smart-ways-to-deal-with-toxic-people.jpg?1442146820" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other people’s moodiness can be quite a challenge. It’s important, though, to remember that some moody, negative people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. <br><br>They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their moodiness and negativity, you may still need to protect yourself from their behavior at times).<br><br>But there’s another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her mood swings to intimidate and manipulate. It’s this aspect of moodiness that inflicts enduring abuse and misery.<br><br>If you observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-referential. Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their selfish needs. This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.<br><br>I’m a firm believer that toxic mood swings should not be inflicted on one person by another, under any circumstances. So how can you best manage the fallout from other people’s relentless toxicity?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>1. Move on without them<br><br>If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”<br><br>When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. If the circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. <br><br>Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.<br><br>A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever reason, then consider the remaining points…<br><br><br>2. Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK<br><br>If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. <br><br>Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.<br><br>Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…<br><br><br>3. Speak up!<br><br>Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this behavior.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.<br><br>Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. <br><br>If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior, they may be surprised, or even outraged, that you’ve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But you must speak up anyway.<br><br>Not mentioning someone’s toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:<br><br>“I’ve noticed you seem angry. Is something upsetting you?”<br>“I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?”<br>“Your attitude is upsetting me right now. Is this what you want?”<br><br>Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.<br><br>Even if they say: “What do you mean?” and deny it, at least you’ve made them aware that their attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to manipulate others whenever they want. (Read Toxic People.)<br><br>And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…<br><br><br>4. Put your foot down.<br><br>Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it. It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me. The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” <br><br>Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.<br><br>Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them until they do.<br><br><br>5. Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.<br><br>It’s them, not you. KNOW this.<br><br>Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the “feeling guilty” button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you.<br><br>Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. <br><br>What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. <br><br><br>6. Practice practical compassion.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. <br><br>If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.<br><br>Several years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically “crazy” and can’t help it, right?<br><br>One day I took Dennis to a local park to play catch. An hour into our little field trip, Dennis entered one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said, “Stop bullying me and calling me names. I know you’re a nice person, and much better than that.” His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected himself and replied, “I’m sorry I was mean Mr. Marc.”<br><br>The lesson here is that you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion when we set boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long-term.<br><br><br>7. Take time for yourself.<br><br>If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. <br><br>Again, understand that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You deserve this time away. You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior. No problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesn’t make time for you.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="7 Smart Ways to Deal with Toxic People" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/12/08/7-smart-ways-to-deal-with-toxic-people" target="_blank"><em>7 Smart Ways to Deal with Toxic People</em></a> by <a contents="Marc Chernoff" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/" target="_blank">Marc Chernoff</a>. Click on Mr. Chernoff's name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/39038992020-10-03T06:50:00-04:002022-04-05T18:06:25-04:00Why The Best Kind Of Love Won’t Be The Kind You Have To Fight For<p><em>Why The Best Kind Of Love Won’t Be The Kind You Have To Fight For</em> by Fatima Faisal. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/dd695d0c422bec2ed390495259a50345a40d2912/medium/why-the-best-kind-of-love-won-t-be-the-kind-you-have-to-fight-for.jpg?1445529296" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>“Nothing in life comes easy,” except for relationships.<br><br>All you lovely single gals are probably shaking your heads in confusion, thinking if there is one universal struggle, it’s relationships. Here is the problem: We have been taught to fight for everything; we have this idea that anything worth it won’t come easy.<br><br>This notion is the reason for demise in most relationships.<br><br>We think arguing is passionate; we think how scared he is indicates how deeply he cares; we think indecisiveness is simply attributed to immaturity.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The thing is, if it is truly love, or if someone truly likes you and wants to be with you, it is easy.<br><br>I’ve seen so many of my friends struggle with this simple concept. They spend countless months fighting for the “one” because they think that is what they are supposed to do, or they stay in one-sided relationships hoping one day it will be reciprocated.<br><br>Life is filled with complications, and no situation is ever ideal. There are going to be barriers and problems.<br><br>Those things make relationships stronger, but when you have an understanding with your partner, it is easy to face him or her.<br><br>The stress that ensues is bearable because you both have faith in each other, and you both want it to work out.<br><br>My friend met this guy at a summer internship in New York City. She was immediately attracted to him, and she was unsure why. His goofy smile and somewhat awkward demeanor allured her.<br><br>She met him and, instantly, they hit it off, talking for hours. They met once and kept in touch; from there, the relationship progressed.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>After a year of talking, visiting each other and words that clearly held no promise or substance, he told her they weren’t compatible. He said the potential future may not work. He said there were things they simply couldn’t work on.<br><br>At first, my friend was upset, but then she began to realize this wasn’t the only problem. It had always been hard. She had always been the one trying to make it work all along. It wasn’t easy because it wasn’t reciprocal.<br><br>She was always there for him, always supportive, always trying to cheer him on, always trying to talk, always trying to make it easy, but it just wasn’t. With an unbeaten attitude, she finally accepted defeat, but realized he was wrong.<br><br>Everything in life is easily something you can work on or work around, no matter what, if you want it badly enough.<br><br>The compromise comes easy because you desire the other person to be in your life. It’s easy to want to try. It is easy not to be scared of the potential failure when you want it badly enough.<br><br>I looked to my other friend. Her relationship faced everything it possibly could. They had different faiths and backgrounds; it was long-distance, and there were several adversities they were both facing at the time.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>However, they wanted each other in the end. The feeling was mutual; they truly cared about each other. It was easy, so it worked.<br><br>This all doesn’t mean that the most perfect relationship won’t have its up and downs, arguments or fights. It will, but those problems will be easier to fix.<br><br>This doesn’t take away from the notion to fight for what you want. It simply means know your limits. Fight to the extent to which it comes easy to you, where your love or care for the other person is pushing your perseverance.<br><br>It means if it is getting hard, if he is making excuses and, more importantly, if you begin to make excuses for him, let go.<br><br>If he is making it hard for you to hold on, find something that comes easily.<br><br>He can handwrite a list of excuses as to why it won’t work, tell you he is devastated and currently blowing his nose into a Kleenex, playing The Weeknd on repeat, saying he is suffering just as much as you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But, the truth is, if he was just as sad as you, he would be with you. It’s as easy as that.<br><br>If it is difficult, it probably is not worth it. He probably doesn’t want you badly enough. But don't let that bother you. It's not about whether you're good enough for him, or if he's good enough for you. It's whether or not you're a good fit – if you're compatible.<br><br>A healthy and real relationship is easy. Easy doesn’t mean its not magical or passionate; it means it works. You aren’t begging for attention; you aren’t working to have the other person feel the same way.<br><br>If he wants you in his life, he will put you there and keep you there. No excuses; no fighting. It is just that easy.<br><br>Read another popular post:<a contents="&nbsp;Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em> Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Why The Best Kind Of Love Won’t Be The Kind You Have To Fight For" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/best-things-not-worth-fighting/1091107" target="_blank"><em>Why The Best Kind Of Love Won’t Be The Kind You Have To Fight For</em></a> by <a contents="Fatima Faisal" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/profile/fatima-faisal-1906400" target="_blank">Fatima Faisal</a>. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/44391252020-10-02T15:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:07:01-04:00An Open Letter To The Good Guys<p><em>An Open Letter To The Good Guys</em> by Pam Johnston. See details below.<br><br>---<br><br>Dear Good Guys, <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/75b2a8e46020f4ce1aece7901acb80e59feca0cc/medium/an-open-letter-to-the-good-guys.jpg?1477523102" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>I get it. You’re pissed. Tired of being lumped in with the likes of men who brag about sexual aggression. Raised to respect women, you would never, ever do such a thing. In fact, the very idea makes you sick to your stomach. As it should. That’s why you feel compelled to remind people “Not all men...” </p>
<p>I’m going to explain why “not all men” doesn’t matter and why you should stop saying it. And, most importantly, why you should stop insisting that women give you the benefit of the doubt just because you’re one of the good guys. </p>
<p><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>36 percent of women have been the victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking. That’s more than a third. Consider that for a moment: more than a third of women. We can’t directly extrapolate that data to the specific group of women you happen to know, but we can assume that a fair number of those women fall into that group.<br><br>These are the women that you’re insisting must give you a chance. In spite of the fact that many of those women may well have, at some point in the past, given a chance to a man who proved not to be a good guy at all. </p>
<p>Women are taught to be accommodating. From the start, we’re told to smile. Blow kisses. Look pretty. There’s a specific set of words used for speaking about women who fail to do these things. We’re taught to fear those words above all others. And that fear is a serious thing because it sometimes compels us to put ourselves in danger. </p>
<p>Put yourselves in danger? What you talking talking about? </p>
<p>I’m glad you asked, good guys. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>When I was in graduate school, I lived in a small apartment building. There were four units in the building―two upstairs, two down. For a month, as old renters moved out and new ones hadn’t yet moved in, I was the only person living in that building.<br><br>A “For Rent” sign sat in the front yard, advertising these vacancies. One day, two young men came into the building looking for the landlord. </p>
<p>Since I was the only one living there, I was the only person who answered their knock at the door. I explained that the building was managed by a realtor and told them how to get in touch with her. The guy who’d been doing the talking looked annoyed by this.<br><br>He glanced over my shoulder. “Is your place pretty much like the others? Could we just take a look around?” he asked. </p>
<p>At this point, every woman reading this story is thinking You did not let two strange men into your apartment. But I’m guessing that a lot of those women already know that’s exactly what I did. </p>
<p>I considered saying no, but then I stepped aside and let the two men pass. They were well-dressed and polite―just like most serial killers. Immediately, I regretted my decision.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I stood near the door, halfway into the hallway, but I knew that would do no good if one of them was carrying a weapon, or if they worked in tandem to overpower me. I was, as I’ve already said, the only person living in the building at the time. </p>
<p>But I was more afraid of having two strangers call me a paranoid bitch than of being assaulted or murdered. That’s the only possible explanation for my decision. </p>
<p>And luckily, nothing happened. They looked around, thanked me, and left. I never saw either of them again. So you, good guys, may be thinking to yourselves See? Nothing happened! Not all men are rapists. This is true.<br><br>But it’s also true that if something had happened, I would have been blamed―not the men who entered my apartment with the intent of causing me harm. I would not have been able to tell this story and expect anyone to defend my decision to be friendly. Anyone who heard this story would have asked “What were you thinking when you let them in?” </p>
<p>I bet you asked that question as you read this story. I ask myself that question every time this memory comes to mind. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>The fact of the matter, good guys, is that women have to assume you’re not a safe person. We have to do this because it makes no logical sense to do anything else. If we operate on any other assumption―well, it’s too late to do anything by the time we figure out we were wrong.<br><br>You’re already in the apartment. Or shoving us up against a wall. Or pulling out a weapon. And at that point, we know we’re going to be blamed. It will be our fault for trusting you, not your fault for violating our trust. </p>
<p>We’ve seen what happens to men who assault women. Or, rather, what doesn’t happen. We just can’t take that chance. </p>
<p>It’s okay to be angry about this. We live in a culture that sets the bar for men’s behavior really low. You should be angry about that. It’s insulting. So do whatever you can to raise that bar. Hold your friends and family members accountable for better behavior.<br><br>Don’t consume media that panders to the worst stereotypes of male behavior. Immediately stop saying things like “that’s just guys being guys,” and call out those who do. </p>
<p>But most importantly, stop directing your anger about this toward the women who won’t give you a chance. Even if they’d like to, maybe they’re not sure it’s safe. And if you actually care about these women, you want them to feel safe. You want that even if it means your feelings get hurt in the process. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Women didn’t create this world, good guys. We’re just trying to survive it.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don't Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don't Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article originally appeared as <a contents="An Open Letter To The Good Guys" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/an-open-letter-to-the-good-guys_us_58011fe6e4b06f314afeb33a" target="_blank"><em>An Open Letter To The Good Guys</em></a> by <a contents="Pam Johnston" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/pam-johnston" target="_blank">Pam Johnston</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks! <br><br>--- <br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em>or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/39034652020-09-27T04:55:00-04:002023-12-28T17:28:54-05:0015 Signs You’ve Found Your Mrs. Right<p><em>15 Signs You’ve Found Your Mrs. Right</em> by James Michael Sama. See details below. <br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/50735ec21f4385ac5f0c66f9544b64148252954c/medium/15-signs-youve-found-your-mrs-right.jpg?1445376457" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>It is true that the value of the woman in a man’s life should be appreciated by him daily and he should never need a reminder, but I also frequently encounter many good women who feel overlooked and under-appreciated in the dating world.<br><br>Coupled with men who feel that their dating options are limited, it makes me wonder if we really know what to look for. Here are some sounds you may have found Mrs. Right.<br><br><br>1. You really don’t know what people are complaining about.<br><br>Women complain about men, and men complain about women. But when you are commiserating with your friends and find yourself without much to say and unable to relate to the negative things they feel about their partner, it is a good sign you have found yourself a keeper.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>2. You can completely open up to her.<br><br>It takes a special type of woman to get us, as men, to entirely let our guards down and reveal our inner-most secrets to her. If you find yourself so comfortable that you can tell her things you wouldn’t even tell your closest friend – recognize how rare this is and hold onto her.<br><br><br>3. You want to share everything with her.<br><br>The minute something happens in your life, good or bad, big or small, think about the first person you want to text or call with the news. She may or may not come before your family depending on your relationship with them, but take it as a good sign when she is at the top of your list.<br><br><br>4. Her happiness is your happiness.<br><br>“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” – Robert A. Heinlein<br><br><br>5. You are still two different people with individual lives.<br><br>While a great relationship is a team in which two equal partners take on the world together, it is also important that there is not dependence or reliance on one another.<br><br>For long term success, we have to understand that we are not two people who complete each other, but two people who are already whole and accept each other completely.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>6. You genuinely miss her when she’s not around.<br><br>Not just the casual exchange of “miss u” texts when one of you is out of town or has been gone for awhile, but that you can feel her absence. When you stare longingly upon her part of the couch or her empty side of the bed until she gets back, you will know her presence brings value to your life.<br><br><br>7. She willingly compromises with you.<br><br>Love is selfless. It requires us, at times, to put our partner’s happiness ahead of our own. But we don’t see it as sacrifice, because as mentioned a couple of points ago, their happiness is your happiness.<br><br>The important thing to remember though, is that this goes both ways. If you are with a woman who willingly makes compromises for you (without complaining – as you do for her) she should never be taken for granted.<br><br><br>8. She brags about you.<br><br>I don’t know about you, but when I really love someone and am proud of their achievements (whether it be a family member or a significant other), I love to tell everyone about it.<br><br>If her family and friends already know all of the great things about you before they even meet you, it is a sign she is proud of you and has been talking you up.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>9. You don’t hesitate about planning the future.<br><br>I don’t necessarily mean getting engaged or having children, but you have no hesitancy when it comes to making plans for something coming up months from now.<br><br>There is a concert she wants to go to during the holidays but it’s only May? No problem, tickets bought! Her friend is getting married overseas next year? You are already looking at hotels. Good signs.<br><br><br>10. She makes you feel comfortable with yourself.<br><br>Men have insecurities too, we may just not talk about them as much. The right woman for you will love you for you, and help you let go of small things you want to change like that spare tire that has grown a little more than you would have liked. She will make you feel attractive and sexy just like you do for her.<br><br><br>11. …But not that comfortable.<br><br>Comfort should never turn into complacency. If you are with the right woman, her presence in your life will be enough to keep you motivated to keep working on and improving yourself.<br><br>This means accepting that spare tire, but getting your butt to the gym to get rid of it. You want to feel, look, and do better. Both for yourself, and for her.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>12. You are totally cool traveling together.<br><br>There’s a reason why a couple’s first trip together is a big deal – it can teach you new things about a person. How they handle stress when you are running late for your flight, what some of their secret habits are, what it’s like to spend a full week with them without separation…<br><br>When you are with the right person, experiences like this will bring you closer together. Not pull you apart.<br><br><br>13. She genuinely expresses interest in your life.<br><br>Does she remember details about what your friends and family are going through? Do you feel like when she asks you about them she is genuinely interested and not just asking to be polite? This is a big part of being selfless and shows interest in your entire life, not just the parts that involve her.<br><br><br>14. People comment about how happy you seem.<br><br>Of course a relationship is just between two people and you are the only ones who know what goes on behind closed doors. These days, it is difficult to keep things private because of the prevalence of social media.<br><br>But, that being said, often times people on the outside have a clear view of how two people are with each other because their opinions are not clouded by emotions.<br><br>If people consistently comment on how happy you seem since you have met her and the light she has brought to your life, there is probably something to it.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>15. You have similar views for the future.<br><br>Sure, there are always compromises to be made – but if you are really looking for something long term (potentially lifelong), it’s important that you are on the same page – or at least in the same book – when it comes to what you want for yourself and your life. This usually comes along with similar values and ambitions.<br><br>In the end, though, great relationships don’t require rules or checklists to be identified. They just need two people who love and care for each other. Two people who are willing to work through challenges together. Two people who are fully committed to each other and put in consistent effort.<br><br>She will be not only your lover – but your friend. Your equal. Your confidant. The one you turn to for support when things go wrong and to celebrate with when things go right. She will be your teammate in life, on the journey alongside you.<br><br>People will always have their own input on your relationship – but they will never be you or know how you truly feel inside. When you know that you have found the woman you want to be with, that is the only reason you’ll need.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="15 Signs You’ve Found Your Mrs. Right " data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2014/11/06/15-signs-youve-found-your-mrs-right/" target="_blank"><em>15 Signs You’ve Found Your Mrs. Right </em></a>by <a contents="James Michael Sama." data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/" target="_blank">James Michael Sama.</a> Click on his name to follow him on the social networks! <br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/51747822020-09-24T09:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:30-04:003 Things Everyone Should Be Saying During Sex<p><em>3 Things Everyone Should Be Saying During S_x</em> by Summer Engman. See below for details. </p>
<p>— </p>
<p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/6204e45dbd1eef92a2ac085e3bf0210950cef86b/medium/3-things-everyone-should-be-saying-during-sex.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><strong>(We have to abbreviate certain words so Google doesn't flag it – sorry). </strong></p>
<p>When it comes to s_x, everyone is a little different and we all want different things. </p>
<p>That’s why in my practice as a desire and intimacy coach, I don’t teach techniques and I don’t give advice on new and novel moves to try out in the bedroom. Instead, I ask the people I work with to check in with themselves about what they want and how they feel. Our own desires and feelings are really the best tools we have in guiding us toward better s_x. </p>
<p>So while we’re all a little different, and there are no universal sure-win s_x tips, I have found that no matter who you are and no matter who you’re having s_x with, saying the following three things always makes s_x hotter. </p>
<p><br>1. “I feel…” </p>
<p>There are a couple of great reasons to talk about our feelings during s_x. </p>
<p>The first is that revealing what we’re feeling helps us get connected. The second is that the best s_x is the kind of s_x where all the thoughts leave our mind and we find ourselves in a state of flow, fully in our bodies, moving without thinking. And we can’t turn off our thoughts and get into flow until we clear the things that are weighing on our mind. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>We can’t be in our heads and in our bodies at the same time. The more we are thinking, the less sensation we’ll be feeling. So when we go into s_x with anything weighing on our minds, whether it’s something left unsaid, a resentment we have with our partner, or maybe something external that’s effecting our mood, any attention we have on that thing will detract from the amount of sensation we feel in our bodies. </p>
<p>When we don’t say the thing on our mind, whether it’s positive or negative, our partner may not know the context for where we are energetically, physically, and mentally. </p>
<p>As long as we try to proceed with s_x before first clearing that thing, we will both be unable to fully drop into the realm of sensation and get into flow. Instead, one of us will be in our head thinking about the thing, the other will be in their head wondering what’s going on, and both of us will feel disconnected from each other. </p>
<p>When it comes to s_x, most people shy away from speaking too much. A lot of us might be cool with dirty talk but when it comes to feelings, there’s a common attitude that any talk about that sort of thing during or leading up to s_x is not hot. But most people don’t realize the secret bonus to saying what we feel: When we do it we feel more connected to our partner, which leads to feeling more sensation in our bodies, which leads to getting more turned on, which leads to much hotter s_x. </p>
<p><br>2. “I want…” </p>
<p>We don’t all like s_x the same way, that much is clear. There is no universal secret technique that if discovered, would make us all amazing lovers. However there is one surefire method to making sure our partner knows what we want: We can tell them. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Most of us have had that experience in s_x where a frustrated voice in our head is running a dialog that goes something like “this isn’t at all what I want! I wish they would just slow down a little bit, lighten up, change positions.” And since we’re not enjoying it or making any gestures of encouragement, inevitably our partner can feel something is off but they probably don’t know what to do differently. </p>
<p>Likewise, we have all had the opposite experience where our partner is doing the exact combination of things that cranks us up to epic levels. It’s that zone where it’s so good that we wish s_x was always exactly like that moment, and we moan louder to let them know that we love what they’re doing. </p>
<p>But here’s the thing: In both of the above scenarios, our partner probably has no idea what it is about what they’re doing that’s either working or not working. What’s crazy is that we could totally just tell them, but let’s be honest—most of us don’t. </p>
<p>Instead we hope they got the hint. </p>
<p>We continue day in and day out, s_xual experience after s_xual experience, without educating our partner as to exactly what feels good in our bodies, frustrated that we so rarely get to experience that deep nourishing feeling of being touched just the right way. </p>
<p>The solution is simple (though not necessarily easy): we describe in great detail what we like, we ask our partner to do the same, and we check in often with specific questions. </p>
<p>It works best if we don’t ask vague questions such as “do you like this?” because the answers won’t give us much information. The answer is usually either “Yes” (which may be a lie to soothe our ego) or “No,” neither of which are very helpful. Instead, we can get specific and ask questions that open the door for our partner to give us very detailed information about what they actually like. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>“Do you like it slower or faster? Lighter or deeper?” And we can check in as we go: “like this? like this? or like this?” </p>
<p>Or we can help our partner out and tell them exactly what we want. When asking for what we want, it’s in everyone’s best interest best to be very, very specific and honest. We do ourselves and our partner a favor by leaving no room for confusion. </p>
<p>Imagine all the things we’ve always thought we maybe, kinda knew about what turned our partner on. Imagine all the moments thinking “It seems like they like this but I can’t tell for sure.” And the moments of exasperation where we finally threw up our hands and gave up trying to figure it out. </p>
<p>All of that could be history with just a little open discussion. </p>
<p><br>3. “I think we peaked.” </p>
<p>S_x is a little like eating ice cream. The first bite is delicious, the second bite is, too. But when we keep eating until we’ve finished off the pint, something happens. </p>
<p>If we compared the first bite we took to the last bite we took, I bet we’d notice that after a certain point each bite we take tasted less and less delicious. That point where a bite of ice cream begins to have diminishing returns in enjoyability is called a peak. </p>
<p>Of course if we take ourselves off autopilot and put our attention on what our bodies are telling us, we can stop eating ice cream the very moment we sense that the next bite will be less sensational than the previous. We can eat until we are satisfied and not a moment longer. This is called peaking and it’s a principle that also applies to s_x. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>In our goal-oriented (climax-oriented) s_x culture, stopping at the peak can feel like giving up, but there are a couple of great reasons to try it. </p>
<p>First, feeling the peak is always mutual. If one person feels it, the other will also be feeling it. A couple of indications we’ve already peaked are that we’re slightly bored, we’re suddenly thinking about our to-do list, or we simply aren’t feeling as much in our bodies as we were before. </p>
<p>Acknowledging a peak provides us with proof of how connected we really are to each other and has us feel even more connected when we discover that we weren’t alone in what we were feeling. </p>
<p>I tell my clients that continuing past the peak can even be harmful, as it creates disconnection and often leaves us feeling lonely in the experience. </p>
<p>Second, continuing past the peak is the “overeating” of s_x. Stopping just when we’ve had enough to eat leaves us feeling nourished and energized but overeating can leave us feeling bloated and tired. </p>
<p>Anyone who’s ever eaten a whole pint of ice cream and sworn afterward that they’d never eat ice cream again will understand that it’s much better to stop before you get full. It’s the same in s_x. Leaving room for desire feels much better than eating so much that our food has no flavor anymore and we never want to eat again. </p>
<p>Finally, when you’re in the habit of calling the peak, you’ll never be stuck having s_x past the point where you feel like you’ve had enough. Calling the peak means that the minute you feel satisfied, you can stop. You’ll never get stuck going longer than you want out of a sense of obligation, or because of an assumption that your partner wants to keep going. </p>
<p>And you’ll never have to worry that once you start, you have to keep going until it’s “finished” because it’s finished exactly when you decide it is. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></strong></a></p>
<p>This article first appeared as<a contents="&nbsp;3 Things Everyone Should Be Saying During S_x" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/09/3-things-everyone-should-be-saying-during-sex-summer-engman/" target="_blank"><em> 3 Things Everyone Should Be Saying During S_x</em></a> by <a contents="Summer Engman" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/author/summer-engman/" target="_blank">Summer Engman</a>. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks! </p>
<p>— </p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><strong><em>Facebook</em></strong></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><strong><em>Pinterest</em></strong></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong><em>YouTube</em></strong></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em><strong>Instagram</strong></em></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong><em>Twitter</em></strong></a> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"><em><strong>email list</strong></em></a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/39031812020-09-23T05:25:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:34-04:009 Signs A Loved One Is Bad Company<p><em>9 Warnings Signs You're In Bad Company</em> by Marc Chernoff. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/613617399680ce402059ed5c74c30bf8714b1230/medium/9-signs-a-loved-one-is-bad-company.jpg?1445291680" class="size_m justify_center border_" />A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. Sometimes luck controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you pursue, and who you let walk back out.<br><br>Ultimately, you should surround yourself with people who make you a better person and let go of those who don’t. Here are some warning signs you’re in the presence of the latter:<br><br><br>1. They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.<br><br>It’s obvious, but any relationship without regular interaction and communication is going to have problems, especially when there’s a lack of commitment.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Don’t waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them. You shouldn’t have to force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they truly care about you they will gladly create space for you.<br><br>Being in a relationship with someone who overlooks your worth isn’t loyalty, it’s stupidity. Never beg someone for attention. Know your self-worth, and move on if you must.<br><br><br>2. They hold your past against you.<br><br>Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved past them. <br><br>They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their negative behavior. Keep moving forward.<br><br>Holding on to the unchangeable past is a waste of energy and serves no purpose in creating a better day today. If someone continuously judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to repair your future by leaving them behind.<br><br><br>3. You feel trapped.<br><br>Healthy relationships keep the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is flowing and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this kind of unrestricted environment. You can come and go as you please, but you choose to stay because where you are is where you want to be.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If you want to be a part of someone’s life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make you leave. If someone has closed them all in an effort to trap you into something you don’t want to be a part of, it’s time to find the strength to kick down the door. <br><br><br>4. They discredit your dreams and abilities.<br><br>If you allow others to define your dreams and abilities, then you enable them to hold you back. What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends on what you choose to do with your time and energy.<br><br>People will throw all sorts of assumptions your way about what is possible and what is impossible. Look beyond the presumptions and mental limitations of others, and connect with your own best vision of how YOUR life can be. <br><br>Life is an open-ended journey, and what you achieve comes from what you expect to achieve and what you work to achieve.<br><br>So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Keep living your truth. The only people that will get mad at you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.<br><br><br>5. They have lied to you more than once.<br><br>Love is a verb, not a noun. It is ACTIVE in all relationships. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance between lovers; it is also a behavior among friends and family. If someone lies to you, they are unlovingly disrespecting you and your relationship.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unloving to you!<br><br>Bottom line: Those who avoid the truth and tell you only what you want to hear do so for their own benefit, not yours. Don’t put up with it. <br><br><br>6. Their negativity is rubbing off on you.<br><br>The negative people in your life don’t just behave negatively towards you, but towards everyone they interact with. What they say and do is a projection of their own reality – their own inner issues. <br><br>Even if they say something to you that seems personal – even if they insult you directly – it likely has zero to do with you.<br><br>This is important to remember because what these negative people say and do shouldn’t be taken to heart. Although you don’t have control over what they say and do; you do have control over whether or not you allow them to say and do these things to you. <br><br>You alone can deny their venomous words and actions from invading your heart and mind. If you feel like these people are getting to you, take a break and give yourself some space to breathe.<br><br>Positive things happen when you distance yourself from negative people. Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>7. They are excessively envious of what you have.<br><br>A little bit of envy is OK, but when someone is excessively envious of what you have, there’s a good chance what they really want is to take it from you.<br><br>Excessive envy doesn’t tell you how much someone admires you, it tells you how much they dislike themselves. If you can, try to help lift them up, but also be careful that they don’t pull you down. <br><br>Oftentimes no amount of love, or promises, or proof from you will ever be enough to make them feel better about themselves. For the broken pieces they carry, are pieces they must mend for themselves. Happiness, after all, is an inside job.<br><br><br>8. They motivate you to be judgmental or hateful.<br><br>Truth be told, no human being is superior. No faith, race, size or shape is inferior. All collective judgments about others are wrong. Only judgmental hypocrites make them.<br><br>If you judge others by their skin color, their body size, and their outer beauty, you will miss EVERYTHING about who they really are. It is amazing the quality of people you will learn about and meet in this world if you can simply get past the fact that lots of people are not dressing and living the way you do.<br><br>People who motivate you to judge or hate others are as bad as bad company gets. Avoid them at all costs. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>9. They want you to be someone else.<br><br>Spend time with people who see you the way you are, and not as they wish to think you are. Spend even more time with those who truly know about you, and who love and respect you anyway.<br><br>If someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back. It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by acting like someone you’re not. <br><br>It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity. It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br><a contents="9 Warnings Signs You're In Bad Company" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/06/09/9-warning-signs-youre-in-bad-company/" target="_blank"><em>9 Warnings Signs You're In Bad Company</em></a> by <a contents="Marc Chernoff" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/" target="_blank">Marc Chernoff</a>. Mr. Chernoff does a great job with this article. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/39037682020-09-19T08:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:38-04:0015 Signs You're With A Good Man<p><em>15 Signs You’re With A Good Man</em> by James Michael Sama. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/fd0ee88a5e176eff9e035ccb46bf0f52e1eeb1c7/medium/15-signs-youre-with-a-good-man.jpg?1445467845" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>When it comes to dating and relationships, I often find myself wondering how certain people end up with others. Wondering why they don’t walk away if they don’t get what they deserve and hoping that they truly appreciate their teammate if they are getting what they deserve.<br><br>I think a big part of the problem blurring this line is that many people aren’t even quite sure what a healthy relationship looks like these days or how a ‘good man’ (or woman) should act towards their partner. To help clarify, I have put together this list of how a good man should act while in a relationship.<br><br><br>1. A good man never lets you forget how much he loves you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with women who tell me that there is no affection in their relationship. The man in their life does not make them feel loved, wanted, or appreciated.<br><br>This is a profoundly important piece of the puzzle – a good man will always remind you how much you mean to him.<br><br>I understand men can be less communicative or affectionate than women are, but this does not excuse the severe lack of effort put forth by our generation. If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you’ll be wondering all the time if they do.<br><br><br>2. A good man always supports you.<br><br>Regardless of whether you want to go back to school after 20 years to get your Master’s degree, start a singing career, or stay at home to raise a family, a good man will always support you and what you want out of your life.<br><br>He will never discourage you or make you feel as though you can’t do what you set out to do. He will be beside you every step of the way, cheering on your victories and comforting you during your defeats.<br><br><br>3. A good man will inspire you.<br><br>This goes one step beyond supporting you, which can be more passive. To inspire someone takes effort both in how one lives their own life as well as encourages others to live theirs. A good man’s drive and ambition will rub off on you as he pursues his own passions.<br><br><br>4. A good man will work to gain your trust.<br><br>A good man will want you to be comfortable and confident in your relationship. The very cornerstone of this is being able to trust someone, and he will realize that. Without trust there is no foundation for love or respect.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>He will understand that trust is not just handed over to someone – it has to be earned, and then it has to be kept.<br><br><br>5. A good man will always make you feel beautiful.<br><br>He will understand that making you feel beautiful does not just mean saying the words to you. It will mean truly making you feel beautiful. In the way he looks at you, touches you, and treats you.<br><br>He will notice details when you put effort into your appearance and remind you how attractive he still finds you even when you don’t.<br><br>A good man will understand that whether you are in your sweatpants on the couch or in your evening gown heading to a gala, when you love someone for who they truly are, everything about them becomes beautiful.<br><br><br>6. A good man will make you feel safe.<br><br>I have always said that I believe one of the best compliments a woman can give a man is telling him that she feels safe around him.<br><br>Regardless of how attracted she is to you or how funny she thinks you are or how much money you have – if a woman cannot sleep soundly by your side at night, none of it matters.<br><br><br>7. A good man does the little things.<br><br>Do you need a prescription filled but have to stay late at work? Did you mention an art exhibit coming to town and he made plans to take you to see it? Regardless of how small certain things seem, he will understand they are really the big things that matter most.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>8. A good man never crosses the line.<br><br>It is natural to have disagreements and even arguments in a relationship – but there is no reason to make things personal, become insulting, and never, ever to become abusive. A good man will remain calm and stay on the topic at hand.<br><br><br>9. A good man is always trying to improve himself.<br><br>Whether it be learning new things, developing a new skill set, reading a new book or watching a documentary – a good man who prides himself on continuous self improvement will always be intellectually challenging you and keeping your attention.<br><br>He will be doing these things for himself, but the added benefit will be the positive impact it has on your relationship.<br><br><br>10. A good man understands actions speak louder than words.<br><br>Having the right man in your life will make you understand that people who make promises do not deserve your respect. People who keep promises deserve your respect, and he will be one of them.<br><br><br>11. A good man will open up to you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It can be difficult for some men to express their emotions, fears, and even inner-most desires – but having the right woman in our life often helps to open those doors.<br><br>A good man, while understanding of course some things are to be kept private, will not hide things from you or bottle up his feelings knowing it will cause tension and frustration.<br><br><br>12. A good man will always be honest with you.<br><br>When building a foundation for a happy, healthy relationship, a good man will understand that honesty is always the best policy.<br><br><br>13. A good man will make you feel comfortable being honest.<br><br>Comfort in a relationship (the good kind, not the kind that makes you stop trying) comes from the ability to be open and honest with your partner – and the ability to do this comes from knowing you will never be judged.<br><br>A good man will encourage you to open up and share your feelings with him. There should never be any fear of him flying off the handle or overreacting if you share something with him.<br><br>This means being able to be the most genuine, uncensored version of yourself around him.<br><br><br>14. A good man will never be abusive.<br><br>Perhaps the most important point of all. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically, a good man will never even think about being abusive towards you or harmful in any way.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If this happens to you – please have the courage and respect for yourself in order to talk to someone or walk away immediately. No good person would ever act like this and it will not get better on its own.<br><br><br>15. A good man will stand by you no matter what.<br><br>When a man commits his love and his time to a woman, there are no stipulations or circumstances required. There will be good times and there will be not-so-good times. There will be challenges and unexpected situations that arise. But he will stay by your side and be your teammate through it all.<br><br>Of course, there is an asterisk on this. This does not mean you can disrespect him, lie, or cheat. It does not mean you can betray his trust and expect him to stick around because he promised to commit to you.<br><br>This point is about things the two of you go through together and him having the integrity needed to not walk away when times get hard.<br><br>Any man can be by your side on the sunny days. The real test of character is whether or not he will hold the umbrella over you during the stormy days.<br><br>And ladies, if the man you are with puts in the effort to be this person for you, please let him know how much you appreciate him. No matter how kind a person is, there is no emptier feeling than giving your heart to someone who you feel takes it for granted.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="15 Signs You’re With A Good Man" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2014/09/28/15-signs-youre-with-a-good-man/" target="_blank"><em>15 Signs You’re With A Good Man</em></a> by <a contents="James Michael Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/" target="_blank">James Michael Sama</a>. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38927802020-09-19T06:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:41-04:0010 Best Traits In a Girlfriend<p><em>Best Traits In A Girlfriend</em> by AskMen. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/a9445ac76bfb7d8d37e16a2318da52f8e12a0692/medium/10-best-traits-in-a-girlfriend.jpg?1444601451" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br><strong>10. She's Independent</strong><br><br>No one gets into a relationship to be a babysitter. If she's had a rough day at work, it's great to be her shoulder to cry on. But if she can't seem to function without you, you'll eventually suffocate, and if you're smart you'll run for the nearest exit.<br><br>Independence is key to a happy relationship, for both the man and the woman. You'll find you're still getting to know her long after you've gotten serious if she has a host of interests and commitments outside of your relationship.<br><br><strong>9. She's Intelligent</strong><br><br>I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. A woman who can meet you at an intellectual level is a total turn-on. Every man wants to be challenged by his woman, whether he realizes it or not. <br><br>An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get bored or complacent. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about - marriage isn't an eternal sex fest.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>8. She's Sexual</strong><br><br>While we're on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. The two of you have to be on the same page.<br><br>Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues).<br><br>It is important that you please each other in the bedroom -- or on top of the dryer -- whatever the case may be.<br><br><br><strong>7. You're Attracted To Her</strong><br><br>I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. <br><br>Being seen with her should make you feel better about yourself. And this doesn't mean that she's a Heidi Klum clone. Whatever floats your boat. Your mutual attraction should make you both want to stay looking your best.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>6. She Respects You</strong><br><br>This is a biggie. Your girlfriend must respect you -- otherwise you have to wonder why she bothers to be with you. This means that she takes the time to listen to you, even if you're in a heated argument.<br><br>A great girlfriend will keep major disputes private rather than taking you down in public. She'll make an effort to see things from your point of view (provided you do the same for her). She knows how to major in the majors and minor in the minors.<br><br>The key here is that the respect be mutual -- it's very hard for one of you to respect the other while feeling disrespected. The golden rule has no better application than in terms of respecting your significant other.<br><br><br><strong>5. She Lets You Be A Man</strong><br><br>Do not -- I repeat -- do not get involved with a woman who tries to make you into a woman (similar wants and needs).<br><br>You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she's a great girlfriend, she'll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches.<br><br>She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn't deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn't expect you to give up the guys for her.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. She Doesn't Nag Without A Good Reason</strong><br><br>We've never met a man who was convinced to change his behavior because of his girlfriend's nagging. A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to get upset and when to let it slide. <br><br>However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide -- not even a great girlfriend. Don't push your luck with anyone, least of all your girlfriend.<br><br><strong>3. She Gets Along With Your Friends And Family... And She's Kind</strong><br><br>A great girlfriend will make an effort to get to know your people. She'll help your parents out at Thanksgiving, try to understand your brother's twisted sense of humor and want to get to know your friends. <br><br>She'll actually empathize with your sister's getting dumped and suggest that you guys take her out to cheer her up. Not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she'll be joining you guys when she gets off work -- she's one of the crowd.<br><br>And pay attention to how she treats others, especially strangers or people she doesn't like. Because, guess what? She's not gonna like you all the time, either. Her character will come out at times when she interacts with people she knows can't do a thing for her.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. She Loves You</strong><br><br>If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. Of course, everyone has their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she'll be able to cope with these.<br><br>Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis.<br><br>If the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or she sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she loves you.<br><br><br><strong>1. She Makes You Want To Be a Better Man</strong><br><br>Stop making that face... Any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way.<br><br>If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister when you were younger or find yourself trying to get your finances in order to prepare for the future, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Best Traits In A Girlfriend by AskMen" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/the-best-traits-of-a-girlfriend_10.html" target="_blank"><em>Best Traits In A Girlfriend by AskMen</em></a>. (Edited by James Russell Lingerfelt.) Click on their title to follow more of their work!<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38846612020-09-17T04:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:45-04:0011 Ways To Become The Person You Love<p><em>11 Ways to Become The Person You Love</em> by Marc Chernoff. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/d75a6d95f4f4335dd31f393f908230eec0aeb97d/medium/11-ways-to-become-the-person-you-love.jpg?1444138811" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>You are powerful when you believe in yourself – when you know that you are capable of anything you put your mind to. You are beautiful when your strength and determination shines as you follow your own path – when you aren’t disheveled by the obstacles along the way. <br><br>You are unstoppable when you let your mistakes educate you, as your confidence builds from experiences – when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward.<br><br>Here are 11 ways to become the person you love.<br><br><br>1. Stop judging, and appreciate the beauty within you.<br><br>Judging yourself is not the same as being honest with yourself. When it comes to living as a compassionate, non-judgmental human being, the only challenge greater than learning to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, is learning to walk a lifetime comfortably in your own. <br>script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js">
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</script><br>In every smile there is beauty. In every heart there is love. In every mind there is wisdom. In every human being there is a soul, there is life, there is worth, and there is the ability to see all these things in everyone, including one’s self. <br><br><br>2. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.<br><br>Accept yourself! Insecurity is what’s ugly, not you. Be you, just the way you are, in the beautiful way only you know how. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. <br><br>You must love who you are or no one else will either. And when you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit.<br><br><br>3. Care less about who you are to others.<br><br>Don’t lose YOU in your search for acceptance by others. Be aware that you will always appear to be a little less than some people prefer you to be, but that most people are unaware that you are so much more than what they see. <br><br>You are good enough just the way you are. You have nothing to prove to anyone else. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself.<br>script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js">
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</script><br>4. Know your worth.<br><br>We often accept the love we think we deserve. It makes no sense to be second in someone’s life, when you know you’re good enough to be first in someone else’s.<br><br><br>5. Don’t rush intimate relationships.<br><br>Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can. You don’t need a perfect one, you just need someone who you can trust – who shows you that you’re the only one. <br><br>If you haven’t found true love yet, don’t settle. There is someone out there who will love you unconditionally, even if it’s not the person you were initially hoping for.<br><br><br>6. Let go of those who aren’t really there.<br><br>There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life no matter how much you want them to. And the only ones truly worthy of your love are the ones who stand with you through the hard times and laugh with you after the hard times pass. <br><br>Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include anyone else right now. Maybe it’s just you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is simply letting go.<br>script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js">
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</script><br>7. Forgive yourself and others.<br><br>Of all the things that can be stolen from you – your possessions, your youth, your health, your words, your rights – what no one can ever take from you is your freedom to choose what you will believe in, and who and what your heart will love going forward. <br><br>Life begins where your fear and resentment ends. Just because someone hurt you yesterday, doesn’t mean you should hate the world, or start living life today in constant fear of being hurt tomorrow. When you forgive yourself and others, and stop the inner imprisonment, you’re creating the love of your life. <br><br><br>8. Focus on the positive.<br><br>Do not let the pain make you hopeless. Do not let the negativity wear off on you. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world is a beautiful place. <br><br>Change your thoughts and you change your reality. Our thoughts are the makers of our moods, the inventors of our dreams, and the creators of our will. <br><br>That is why we must sort through them carefully, and choose to respond only to those that will help us build the life we want, and the outlook we want to hold as we’re living it.<br>script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js">
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</script><br>9. Believe in the person you are capable of being.<br><br>The real purpose of your life is to evolve and grow into the whole person you are capable of being. Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing. <br><br>Change really is always possible – there is no ability that can’t be developed with experience. Don’t ever let your negative beliefs stand in the way of your own improvement.<br><br><br>10. Work on goals you believe in.<br><br>Never put off or give up on a goal that’s important to you. Not because you still have tomorrow to start or try again, but because you may not have tomorrow at all. Life is shorter than it sometimes seems. Follow your heart today.<br><br><br>11. Keep looking and moving straight forward.<br><br>Moving on doesn’t mean you have forgotten; it means you have accepted what happened in the past and choose to continue living in the present. Moving on doesn’t mean you’re giving up; it means you’re giving yourself another chance by making a choice to be happy rather than hurt. <br><br>Through all the problems you have faced, the burdens weighing down on your shoulders, the pain in your heart, you have only one thing to say, “I survived and I now know better for next time.”<br>script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js">
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</script><br>In the end, loving yourself is about enjoying your life, trusting your own feelings, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, cherishing the memories, and learning from the past. <br><br>Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not exactly how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="11 Ways to Become The Person You Love" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/09/11-ways-to-become-the-person-you-love/" target="_blank"><em>11 Ways to Become The Person You Love</em></a> by <a contents="Marc Chernoff." data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/" target="_blank">Marc Chernoff.</a> Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38777222020-09-16T13:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:48-04:007 Reasons Why You Should Never Go Back To A Cheater<p><em>7 Reasons Why You Should Never Go Back To A Cheater </em>by Brittany McSorley. See details below.<br><br>---<br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/df9567c8334410420559f6fea867466c0dc7a002/medium/7-reasons-why-you-should-never-go-back-to-a-cheater.jpg?1499374955" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>These days, it seems like every person has fallen victim to an unfaithful significant other. At the very least, we all know somebody who’s been cheated on and probably, someone who’s cheated.<br><br>Becoming more and more common, though, are the people who have forgiven a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend and tried to carry on with the relationship.<br><br>Sometimes, this works out and the two live happily ever after because the cheater saw the error in his or her ways and never strayed again. However, this scenario is definitely the exception to the rule, despite it being what you tend to hope for when you’re the one who’s been betrayed.<br><br>People who forgive cheaters and stay together know how disastrous it can become. Here are seven reasons not to go back to dating cheaters:<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>1. They’re always sorry, but not sorry enough.<br><br>Really think about this one. Cheaters who apologize profusely and give all sorts of excuses for their behaviors may very well feel remorse, but something still overpowers that feeling long enough for them to cheat.<br><br>This is especially true if the cheater isn’t the one to break the news of cheating to the cheated. This means that the cheater isn’t sorry for failing to stay faithful, or at least not sorry enough to fess up.<br><br>Example: “I was going to tell you, but I didn’t want to hurt you.” Right.<br><br><br>2. No matter what, you won’t trust them again.<br><br>Whatever motivation was there to cheat in the first place will remain in the back of both of your minds.<br><br>This can get exponentially worse depending on with whom the cheater cheated. If you know the other person, everything about it will suck for a pretty long time.<br><br>Example: “You’re going where? Is SHE going to be there?” Probably.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>3. They don’t love you enough.<br><br>This may be the simplest reason not to go back, but still the hardest reason to accept. The person who cheats on you does not love you enough to stay faithful, no matter what other crap is included in the list of excuses.<br><br>Example: “You’re so great. I’m not good enough for you. I just liked the attention.” I am, you’re right and CLEARLY.<br><br><br>4. They pretty much always do it again.<br><br>Even if it’s on a subconscious level of which he or she is not totally aware, staying with a cheater sends the message that the act wasn’t actually so bad.<br><br>This also leads to an expectation from the cheater that you will eventually just get over it.<br><br>Example: “I thought we moved past this! I can’t pay for it forever!” Good to know you’ve moved past it.<br><br><br>5. It makes you feel like crap.<br><br>This is what makes cheating so unfair and hard to handle, but maintaining the relationship ensures that you’ll feel like crap for a whole lot longer.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Example: “It had nothing to do with you!” Yeah, I KNOW.<br><br><br>6. The relationship is incredibly unbalanced, with the faithful partner caring so much more than the unfaithful one.<br><br>That balance will probably never be restored, no matter what kind of post-cheating promises are made.<br><br>Example: “From now on, I’ll treat you like you deserve to be treated.” Ah, romantic.<br><br><br>7. People exist who are totally capable of not lying to the person they’re dating.<br><br>If you’ve been cheated on, you’re in the wrong relationship. Your tainted relationship doesn’t deserve any more of your attention or hard work. Nobody should need to hurt in order to realize that you actually are important.<br><br>Example: “It just confirmed how much I care about you.” So sweet.<br><br>Kicking a person to the curb after he or she hurts you can be much more difficult than it sounds. But, it’s almost always a huge mistake to stay with someone who broke your trust, no matter the surrounding circumstances.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I see it happen constantly and the cheated always deserves better. If you’re ever in that unfortunate situation and the cheater asks to remain in your romantic life, think about what factors are influencing your decision.<br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="7 Reasons Why You Should Never Go Back To A Cheater" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/never-go-back-to-a-cheater/637677" target="_blank"><em>7 Reasons Why You Should Never Go Back To A Cheater</em></a> by <a contents="Brittany McSorley" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/profile/brittany-mcsorley-1912826" target="_blank">Brittany McSorley</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks! <br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38629692020-09-15T05:15:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:51-04:009 Things A True Friend Would Never Do<p><em>9 Things a True Friend Would Never Do</em> by Marc Chernoff. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/b9708fda89e54868312436b7e820e75d39d8f6c1/medium/9-things-a-true-friend-would-never-do.jpg?1442929653" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>An acquaintance has a little something in common with you and merely enjoys your company for a short time. A fair-weather friend flatters you when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. A true friend, on the other hand, has your very best interests at heart and would NEVER…<br><br><br><strong>1. Criticize you for being flawed</strong><br><br>As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you think you are, you don’t have to hide all the imperfect pieces of yourself from a true friend. They see your flaws as features that make you interesting and beautiful.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. True friends love and appreciate each other just the way they are.<br><br><br><strong>2. Walk away when times get tough</strong><br><br>True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return. Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.<br><br>So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most.<br><br>Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you. The people still standing beside you are your true friends.<br><br><br><strong>3. Discourage you</strong><br><br>Unfortunately, some who seem like your friends will try to hold you back from your full potential. It may be difficult, but don’t let these negative imposters bring you down. <br><br>Don’t ever let your so-called friends turn your sky into a ceiling. Beware of friends who try to belittle your ambitions. Small hearts and minds always do that. The greatest hearts and minds – the people you should spend time around – make you feel that you, too, can become great.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Remember, encouraging things happen when you distance yourself from discouraging people. Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.<br><br><br><strong>4. Hold a grudge over your head</strong><br><br>Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved beyond them. <br><br>They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their begrudging behavior. Let go of their negativity, find peace, and liberate yourself!<br><br>A true friend never holds the unchangeable past against you; instead, they help your repair your present and future. If someone relentlessly judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to take matters into your own hands, and repair your present and future by leaving them behind.<br><br><br><strong>5. Lie to you</strong><br><br>When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unfriendly to YOU.<br><br>If you know someone who avoids the truth by telling you only what you want to hear, they do so for their own benefit, not yours. They are not a true friend and they don’t deserve to be treated as such.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>6. Pretend like they have all the answers</strong><br><br>If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life – the ones who truly made a difference – you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems. <br><br>They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.<br><br>Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you.<br><br><br><strong>7. Take from you without giving back</strong><br><br>You deserve to be with friends who make you smile – friends who don’t take you for granted – friends who won’t leave you hanging. When you notice that a friend is always taking from you without giving back, you might need to distance yourself from them for a while.<br><br>If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.<br><br>You should want to give, but you shouldn’t be forced to always give more than you get. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, respect yourself enough to confront the situation. <br><br>This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with those who you feel are at fault, but you need to evaluate your friendships and realize where to draw the line when you give yourself to certain people.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>8. Bully you</strong><br><br>It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your friends. Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places. <br><br>Be cognizant of how your friends treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw. When necessary, confront them or distance yourself from them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.<br><br>Life’s too short to be hanging around people who try to control and manipulate you. Anyone who does so is not a true friend. Gain your independence by taking off the shackles and freeing yourself from these bullies. <br><br><br><strong>9. Make you feel like you’re burdening them.</strong><br><br>True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations. What true friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them. Period.<br><br>So don’t chase people. They don’t need to be chased. If someone is a true friend and wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever force yourself on someone who continuously overlooks your worth.<br><br>A true friend who understands your tears and troubles is far more valuable than a hundred friends who only show up for your smiles and joys. Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured, not an opportunity to be exploited.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="9 Things a True Friend Would Never Do by Marc Chernoff." data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/07/21/9-things-a-true-friend-would-never-do/" target="_blank"><em>9 Things a True Friend Would Never Do by Marc Chernoff.</em></a> Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://instagram.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38673292020-09-14T08:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:10:54-04:00How To Efficiently Get Past A Bad Break Up <p><em>How To Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps</em> by Aaron Bleyaert. See details below.<br><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/bc549ccb99d12d47346a25bab5ff1ac661959048/medium/how-to-efficiently-get-past-a-bad-break-up.jpg?1443292397" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></strong></p>
<p><strong>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: This article was originally disguised as a weight-loss article. But it's definitely regarding relationships. It was so clever and well-written, I just had to publish it as a guest post.</strong><br><br>I’ve spent the past year losing 80 lbs and getting in shape. A lot of people have been asking me how I did it; specifics like what diet I was on, how many times a week I worked out, etc etc.<br><br>So I thought I’d just answer everyone’s questions by giving you guys step by step instructions on how you can achieve everything I have… IN JUST 4 EASY STEPS! Ready? Here we go!!!<br><br><br>1. NO BEER<br><br>This is a big one, and one that you’ve probably heard before. Every time you drink a beer, it’s like eating seven slices of bread. That’s a lot of bread!<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>2. PORTION CONTROL<br><br>This is especially true when you go out to eat at restaurants. A good trick to do is when your meal comes, cut it in half and right away ask for a takeout container, so that you can save the rest for later — and even better, if you start your meal out right by ordering lean meats and veggies, you’ll slim down in no time!<br><br><br>3) HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN<br><br>And not just broken; shattered. Into itsy bitsy tiny little pieces, by a girl who never loved you and never will. Join the gym at your work.<br><br>Start going to the gym regularly, and even though you don’t know that much about exercise and you’re way too weak to do pretty much anything but lift 5 lb weights and use the elliptical machines with the old people, do it until your sweat makes a puddle on the floor. Then go home and go to bed early and the next day do it again.<br><br>And then again. And then again.<br><br>Listen to stories of your ex-girlfriend screwing around with gross and terrible people, stories from your friends who think they are doing you a favor. Go to the gym and make more puddles of sweat.<br><br>Buy books. Learn about different muscle groups and how they work together. Start eating healthy. Learn about nutrition. Plan out your week of meals. Try to forget her.<br><br>After work one night, go up up up all the way to the top floor of the parking garage and walk all the way to the back. Look out at the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles and think about how every single one of those office lights represents a person.<br><br>Try to imagine how they feel. What they’re doing right then; if they miss someone special, if they wonder if someone special misses them. Then realize that most of those lights are probably shining into offices with no one in them except for a custodian or two.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Realize you are alone, that you are staring at no one. Turn your collar up against the cold and drive home to a meal of a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. Go to sleep. Go back to work. Go to the gym. Sweat.<br><br>Buy a scale. Pick a goal weight. Imagine the goal weight as a shining beacon on a hill. You are at the bottom, in the dark. Talk to her at work. Notice the awkward way she walks in high heels and her goofy smile when she looks over at you.<br><br>Feel something clench inside your chest. Think about the gym and what muscle groups you are going to work that night.<br><br>Get on the treadmill. Push yourself to level 3, then level 4. Then 6. Run so fast you feel like you are going to die. Hit level 10. Pray for death. Think of how bad she makes you feel. Find the strength to keep going.<br><br>Late one night, make the mistake of looking at her Facebook and Instagram posts. Feel lower than you ever thought possible. Unfriend her and try to forget what you’ve seen.<br><br>She is doing things with other people that you asked her to do with you. She is having a great time without you, and you are wasting your life listening to Taylor Swift on repeat and making sweat puddles on a gym floor.<br><br>Watch as your life shrinks down to four things: 1.) work, 2.) the gym, 3.) the food you eat, 4.) sleep. She wears the necklace you bought her and tells you that she got it “from someone who’s really special”. That night you discover that Slayer’s “Angel of Death” might be the perfect song to do squats to.<br><br>Start to make friends at the gym. Vince and you spot each other on Wednesdays; Chase and you spot each other on Fridays. You used to look down on bro nods and fist bumps — but since that’s how gym rats communicate, that’s become the language you speak most often. Work, Gym, Food, Sleep. Over and over. More sweat puddles. More fist bumps. You run hundreds of miles and lift thousands of pounds.<br><br>You start to see new people working out here and there and you realize you have done something you once thought impossible: You have become one of the regulars.<br><br>Once in a while, you are the last one leaving the gym. You make a point to get to the gym earlier, but your workouts start to stretch from one hour to ninety minutes to two hours. You are now routinely the last person at the gym. You run. You lift. You make more puddles.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Your body changes slowly, then all at once — you are suddenly thin and muscular. You hit your goal weight, pick a new one, then hit it again. You go out and buy new clothes.<br><br>You receive wave after wave of compliments. Your ex tells you that she’s seeing someone else. Your chest clenches. You feel exhausted.<br><br>That night you go to the gym. You listen to all her favorite songs. You run farther and lift more than you thought your body was capable of. It is a good workout. It leaves you numb. You go home and eat a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables.<br><br>You go to sleep. You dream of a bottomless black puddle.<br><br>You’ve stopped drinking alcohol months ago, so now when you hang out at bars or parties you don’t talk to anyone new. But with your new body and new clothes, gorgeous women hit on you constantly.<br><br>One time, a woman literally comes up to you and says she thinks you’d be good in bed and hands you a napkin with her number on it. As she is talking to you, her hand resting on your chest inside your shirt, all you can think of is how badly you need to beat your best time sprinting across the park across from your house the next day.<br><br>That night when you get home you research the best shoes for trail running and click “buy”. The shoes are a hundred dollars. The phone number goes in the trash.<br><br>There is a girl you see a lot at the gym, who always does these weird leg exercises you’ve never seen before. She’s beautiful. You make it a point to not look at her — because you are overly worried about looking creepy like that guy in the blue shirt who never wears underwear and always hangs around the lat pulldown machine — but you notice this girl is always at the gym when you are, and seems to always choose the bench next to you.<br><br>You turn up the Slayer and concentrate on making your puddles bigger.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Your ex parades her new boyfriend around, flatly ignoring you the entire time. He is taller than you, more ripped than you, better looking than you, and — according to the Greek chorus of your mutual friends — he comes from money.<br><br>As you watch her introduce him to everyone but you, you remember how her blue eyes lit up underneath the ferris wheel on her birthday when you gave her those bracelets she’s wearing. In your pocket, your hand makes itself into a fist.<br><br>That night, you deadlift your body weight. You sneak a photo of yourself in the mirror and email it to yourself with the subject heading “You Are A Warrior”. The next day you are disgusted with yourself and delete it.<br><br>You make puddle after puddle after puddle and eat single chicken breasts and work and sleep and the weather gets warm and then gets cold and you know all of Taylor Swift’s songs by heart and the only things that exist in the entire universe are you and The Gym and then something different happens: a night comes where you are not the last person in the gym.<br><br>It is you and the girl who does the weird leg exercises. You end up walking out at the same time.<br><br>Her name is Melissa and she works in the building next to you. She’s worked there for two years. She asks you out to dinner on Friday, promising it’ll be healthy. The leg exercises are Pivoting Curtsy Lunges.<br><br>You start seeing Melissa a lot, both inside the gym and out. You tell no one. You add a couple cheat days to your week — for when you two get dinner and share dessert — and you start getting a lot less sleep.<br><br>You phase out Slayer in favor of Springsteen. Vince and Chase note that you’ve stopped looking like you’re praying for death when you run. Your ex texts you late at night to ask you out to coffee, but you don’t write her back. You can’t remember the last time you fantasized about puddles.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>One night you’re walking Melissa to her car in the parking garage and she is parked up up up all the way on the top floor. She says she wants to show you something and she takes your hand and leads you all the way to the back.<br><br>You both stand there in the dark looking out over the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles.<br><br>“Isn’t it beautiful?” She says. “All those lights.”<br><br>You tell her that yes, it’s beautiful, but it makes you sad. All those pretty lights mean nothing; they’re just shining into cold lonely offices with nobody in them.<br><br>Melissa squeezes your hand and says yes, each light is an empty office — but they’re only empty because the people have all gone home for the day. All those twinkling lights aren’t sad; each one is a person who’s at home, happy with the one they love. And how romantic is that?<br><br>You look at her in the lights and she smiles. Something in your chest expands.<br><br>Late one Sunday afternoon you are writing out your rent check and realize it’s been exactly a year since you started working out. You think of all those miles you’ve run and those pounds you’ve lifted and chicken you’ve eaten and puddles you’ve made.<br><br>It doesn’t seem that bad. You realize that it’s not about hitting a goal weight, or lifting a weight. It’s about being able to wait. Waiting, being patient, and trusting that life will slowly inch along and things will eventually get better. After all, change takes time.<br><br>But time is all it takes.<br><br><br>4. NO FRUIT JUICE<br><br>Too much sugar!!!<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article originally appeared as <a contents="How To Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://medium.com/@AaronBleyaert/how-to-lose-weight-in-4-easy-steps-1f135f7e1dec" target="_blank"><em>How To Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps</em></a> by <a contents="Aaron Bleyaert" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://medium.com/@AaronBleyaert" target="_blank">Aaron Bleyaert</a>. Click on Mr. Bleyaert's name to follow more of this work!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38666912020-09-13T06:50:00-04:002022-04-05T18:15:32-04:0011 Honest Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Relationship<p><em>Love Him Or Leave Him? 11 Honest Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Relationship</em> by Macaile Hutt. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/68b65bdb4eee03f1501d09faba82296c5d8f2472/medium/11-honest-questions-to-ask-yourself-about-your-relationship.jpg?1443106406" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br><strong>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: This article by Ms. Hutt can be applied to both men and women. I'm a huge advocate for considering the kind of family you're marrying into, and how they will influence your own family. But hopefully, by this stage you're in, you've already considered that process.</strong><br><br>I believe in love more than I believe in anything else in the world. I also believe too many people settle because they don’t ask themselves the tough questions they should before they make the “love him or leave him” decision.<br><br>Here are those 11 questions:<br><br><br><strong>1. Does he bring out the best in you?</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<script>
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</script><br>We all possess beauty and believe it or not, we all also possess ugly. The person with whom you choose to spend the rest of your life should magnify your strengths and balance out your weaknesses. He should make you feel like not only the best version of yourself, but the truest version, as well.<br><br>If you had to summarize yourself in just five qualities, what would you like them to be? Now, think about the qualities that your significant other brings out in you. Do they align? How would he describe you? When the qualities you strive to have become the qualities you possess, true harmony becomes possible.<br><br><br><strong>2. Does he make you want to be a better person/friend/sister/employee?</strong><br><br>I’ve learned that when we feel fulfilled and accepted exactly as we are, we tend to become better versions of ourselves. When we feel unappreciated and misunderstood, we struggle to exist as we are. True happiness fills hearts with so much joy that it overflows into the relationships that surround us.<br><br>Have your relationships outside of the one with your current partner flourished or suffered since you’ve been together? The love of your life will want you to nurture relationships that are important to you rather than require your full and undivided attention.<br><br>If you find yourself skipping out on girls’ nights, missing your nephew’s t-ball games and making excuses for leaving family dinners early because you’ve been made to feel guilty for not spending all of your time with your significant other, it might be time to reassess.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. Does he make the ordinary seem extraordinary?</strong><br><br>Every person has a different opinion of the ideal date, the perfect way to spend a weekend and a fantasy vacation destination, but when it comes to day-to-day activities, how do you spend your time?<br><br>Do you explore together, go on adventures together and, most importantly, enjoy performing everyday tasks together, such as going to the grocery store or folding your laundry?<br><br>Some might laugh at this question, but the rest of your life is a long time to spend with someone you don’t enjoy doing the mundane with. It’s amazing how much more fun “chores” can be when you are performing them with someone you love.<br><br><br><strong>4. Does he make you feel safe?</strong><br><br>While it’s nice to feel protected with the comfort of beefy arms, the safety to which I am referring involves your feelings and emotions.<br><br>Does he make you feel safe when you need to share something that’s been on your mind, reassess a situation that happened at work or when you just need someone to listen? Does he make you feel safe to chase your dreams and discover your passions?<br><br>Men and women are very different and tend to deal with emotions very differently; however, there is something to be said about a man who chooses to listen, tries to understand and protect your feelings.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>5. Does he make you laugh?</strong><br><br>This may be one of the most important questions. Life is way too short to spend it being serious and there is nothing better than laughing until your stomach cramps with someone who demonstrates a weirdness similar to your own.<br><br>We are all weird and goofy and we all have the capability to be completely hilarious in the eyes of someone who appreciates our specific style of humor.<br><br>The bottom line is that life is better when you’re laughing. What better way to determine if you’re with the right person than to ask yourself, “Does he make me laugh?”<br><br><br><strong>6. Do you enjoy talking to him?</strong><br><br>We focus so much on the destination that we often fail to notice all of the steps it took to arrive. The top of the mountain may be beautiful, but the conversation on the hike up makes the journey worthwhile.<br><br>Choose to spend your days with someone you can talk to about anything and still feel as though there’s more left to say.<br><br>I always feel sad when I see a couple at a restaurant staring blankly at each other in silence, swirling their straws in their glasses, as though there’s truly nothing left to discuss. Life is way too long to fill it with small talk.<br><br><br><strong>7. Does he calm your storms or create your storms?</strong><br><br>The love of your life should be your heart’s resting place. The safety in the chaos, rainbow after the rain and the person you know you will leave feeling better than when you started.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>All too often, people get stuck in relationships that create more storms in their lives and spend the whole relationship trying to calm them.<br><br>Life is hard enough as it is. We shouldn’t have to spend our days in relationships that only make it harder. When you’ve had a bad day, to whom do you turn? When you cry, who wipes away the tears? The love of your life should spend more time bringing sunshine rather than rain to your life.<br><br><br><strong>8. Do you respect one another?</strong><br><br>Respect is one of the most important qualities to have in a relationship. If you respect someone, you will likely not embarrass him in front of others.<br><br>If you respect someone, you will choose to come directly to him when you have a problem, rather than talking about it to everyone else first.<br><br>Arguments follow a much more constructive highway when respect is present.<br><br><br><strong>9. Do you fight the same way?</strong><br><br>Everyone has a preferred method for fighting and it’s imperative that you and your significant other are compatible in conflict resolution. It will not always be rainbows and butterflies and problems will arise.<br><br>If two people prefer to “fight” in completely opposite ways, it may not work in the long run. Some people need to get heated, scream it out and say things they’ll regret later on in order to feel understood.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Some people shut down completely and need time to cool off and think about things, while others need to discuss the situation immediately and feel hurt when their partner says he needs some time or space.<br><br>Some people need to sit down and have lengthy discussions about every tiny detail of a situation before they feel better, while other people would rather just forgive and forget and move forward. It’s important to ask yourself how you handle conflicts with the people you love.<br><br><br><strong>10. Does he challenge you?</strong><br><br>All too often, people become complacent in relationships. Does your relationship challenge you mentally, physically and intellectually? Do you feel as though you learn from each other, grow with one another and have progressed both individually and together since you have been together?<br><br>The love of your life will fuel your passions so that you can pursue the things you find meaningful and will challenge you to learn new skills that the two of you can pursue together.<br><br><br><strong>11. Is he good on paper or is he good in person?</strong><br><br>Do you love HIM or the IDEA of him? It’s so easy to create an image of the perfect man, only to realize that the person in our minds doesn’t exist. Be patient with your heart and be aware of your feelings.<br><br>If you are forcing it, justifying it or constantly seeking approval for it, it might not be the right relationship for you. Don’t waste time trying to make sense of your love, but rather, wait for the love that simply makes sense.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Love Him Or Leave Him? 11&nbsp;Honest Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Relationship" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/love-leave-10-honest-questions-ask-relationship/673406" target="_blank"><em>Love Him Or Leave Him? 11 Honest Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Relationship</em></a> by <a contents="Macaile Hutt" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/profile/macaile-hutt-1906971" target="_blank">Macaile Hutt</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38626612020-09-11T06:10:00-04:002022-04-05T18:15:36-04:00Romance Is Like Alcohol<p><em>Romance Is Like Alcohol </em>by Mark Manson. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/4572c436d2867786b55e043ab93e9a70961fd3ed/medium/romance-is-like-alcohol.jpg?1442765808" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Romance is like alcohol. It can heal and it can hurt. It can create joy and it can create pain. It’s often responsible for some of the best and some of the worst moments of your life. It can obscure a terrible idea into a brilliant one; it can distort a terrible person into a fate-filled lover.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol. It invents emotions out of thin air. It can create a mirage of love; it can intoxicate us with an imagined happiness. It can generate anger and jealousy where none is deserved. It can bestow sadness and heartbreak when nothing is lost.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol. It feels really good. Most of the time. But there’s usually a price to pay as soon as you sober up.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol in that it captivates us when we’re young. It intoxicates us and convinces us that what we’re experiencing is the only thing that is real, the only thing that matters.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>As we grow older and gain more experience, we learn to trust this feeling less and less, to understand that it comes and goes like anything else.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol — it can become an addiction, consuming us, destroying lives and ruining relationships with those closest to us. Some people can’t seem to get enough of it.<br><br>They seek it out in the most unacceptable of places — their friend’s spouse, a young impressionable co-worker, or an ex that they can’t quite seem to let go of. They will lie, cheat, steal, and hurt others just to get one more fix of it, yet their behavior will always appear justified in their own mind.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol. Make sure you are using it and it’s not using you. Moderation is key. Sometimes you need to inject a little of it to add some zest back into your love life.<br><br>Sometimes you need it to grease the wheels of a stale, old relationship. Sometimes you need it to help celebrate life’s important moments more intensely. But be sure to never lose yourself in it.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol. None is healthier than too much. And a little is healthier than none.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Romance is like alcohol. If you refuse to take part in it, you’re probably a real bore at parties.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol in that it distorts time. A few seconds can feel like an eternity, while an entire weekend can disappear without any sense of what happened.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol: it makes you really horny. Sometimes so horny that you end up sleeping with someone you probably shouldn’t sleep with.<br><br>Romance is like religion. It can lead you into believing in some greater force that is either trying to save you or destroy you, but you’re never sure which. It convinces you of childish superstitions for the simple sake of explaining what appears to be unexplainable on the surface.<br><br>Romance is like religion in that most people prefer to go through the motions and create the appearance of it rather than truly living it. Most people, when confronted with it, become shy or embarrassed and feel undeserving of the joys it can offer.<br><br>Romance is like religion in that others will make fun of you if you do it too much in public. “Get a room!” they’ll shout. As if praying at the altar of your lover’s lips in the clear of day were some public offense.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Romance is like religion in that it’s completely illogical, but that doesn’t stop people from giving their lives over to it.<br><br>Romance is like science in that you need to screw up a few times before you know how to get it right. Failure is part of the process. Or rather, it’s the whole point.<br><br>Romance is like science in that no matter how many times you try to verify the experience, you can never be completely sure what exactly happened or what went wrong. You can know for certain either who you’re with or the emotion occurring between the two of you, but never both at the same time.<br><br>Romance is like alcohol in that we sometimes need it to get outside of ourselves, to feel and live and breathe and let ourselves simply be with others. It’s a chemical tool to surmount our own flawed psychology. An evolutionary trick to bind the cultures and societies that make us.<br><br>When I was young, I didn’t believe in romance. I treated it the same way I treated Santa Claus or the tooth fairy — sweet sentimentality overriding people’s otherwise right minds.<br><br>As you can probably guess, I was lonely and single. And ironically, despite all my musings about what romance was or wasn’t, my ignorance of the subject left me completely defenseless for the emotional crapshow that was my first serious relationship.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Despite my ardent opposition to what romance was or wasn’t, I remained enslaved to it for years without ever realizing it.<br><br>Because this is the funny thing about romance: sometimes it hurts. This is by design. Sometimes all of the petty drama — the broken plates and slammed doors and tearful screams and shattered cell phone screens — is just as intoxicating to us as the most beautiful sunset, or the most heartfelt kisses.<br><br>As I grew older and more experienced, in the same way I learned to hold my liquor, I learned to hold my heart. I learned that just because it feels good doesn’t mean it is good.<br><br>Just because I want something doesn’t mean I should have it. Just because we say we love each other doesn’t mean we entirely understand what that love is.<br><br>I came to understand the power of my emotions in the same way I had come to understand alcohol or religion or science: as a tool.<br><br>And as a tool, emotions are actually neutral. Emotions can hurt us, and they can help us. They can make us better people and they can make us worse people. They can be used for good and for evil. They are a supplement to who we are, they do not define who we are.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And once I understood this, I understood what love really was and what it could be. Some greater thing, unaffected by the day-to-day gusts of my internal weathervane. Something so sturdy that it didn’t even matter if it sometimes felt bad.<br><br>I understood that I can make my emotions work for me, that they are the servant and I am their master, not the other way around. That they are not commandments as much as powerful recommendations. That just because I feel it, does not mean that it must be so.<br><br>I understood that romance is like alcohol, something to be used and enjoyed responsibly (and preferably not while driving). That it is a tool designed to make my life better, even at the risk of making it worse.<br><br>Because romance is like alcohol: sometimes you just want to go out and get drunk for a while.<br><br>Read another popular post:<a contents="&nbsp;Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em> Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Romance Is Like Alcohol" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/romance" target="_blank"><em>Romance Is Like Alcohol</em></a> by <a contents="Mark Manson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/" target="_blank">Mark Manson</a>. Mr. Manson did a great job with this article! Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38594352020-09-09T06:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:15:40-04:0011 Signs You've Met A Woman You Shouldn't Let Go<p><em>When You Find This Type Of Woman, Never Let Her Go</em> by James M. Sama. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/0ac449186040a01b196984fdecb3da4061226e9a/medium/11-signs-youve-met-a-woman-you-shouldnt-let-go.png?1442507015" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>For today’s generation of men, finding the type of woman we can picture ourselves in a long term relationship with, marrying, and building a family with, can be a long and tiring one.<br><br>Sometimes, discouraging. But it is important for us to understand that good women, while hard to find, are out there. The same can be said for men – but since I write from the male perspective (obviously), that is where this article will come from.<br><br>First, we need to open our hearts and minds to the possibility of actually being able to find the type of woman we can envision a future with. If we enter every dating scenario with the presumption that each woman will be like the last, we will always find a way for the relationship to fail and continue to ask ourselves why nothing ever works out and every scenario seems to be the same.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Once we do come across her, though, we have to put in the effort it takes to show her we are serious about her and are willing to go above and beyond the men in the past who have perhaps given her the same perception some of us have developed about our generation’s women.<br><br>When you find that type of woman – never let her go.<br><br>1. She makes you smile just by thinking about her.<br><br>Not just when you talk to her, or when you are with her, or when you come across a photo of her online – but when you simply think of her (which is often) or see something that reminds you of her. You smile not just because of who she is, but what she stands for. Happiness, excitement, hope, and possibilities for the future.<br><br><br>2. She's thoughtful and does small things for you frequently.<br><br>As men, I believe it is important to consistently be romantic and chivalrous towards the woman in our life. Not just in the beginning of a relationship, but always – even if we are together forever.<br><br>Often times, though, men who are givers can sometimes feel taken for granted or that their efforts are not reciprocated. The type of woman who will make you as happy as you make her will do these things for you without want for return or a reciprocal expectation, but simply because she cares.<br><br><br>3. You just want to be with her.<br><br>Two people who are meant together should never have to try to be comfortable around each other. People who have to fill their time with constant talking or physical activity may not even realize that this could be a sign that they are not truly content with their significant other.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you find a woman who you can just sit with in silence (no phones, computers, or TV), you will know she is right for you. This may sound crazy – but only until you actually find her. ‘Silence is pure. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking.’ – Nicholas Sparks<br><br><br>4. She makes you want to be better.<br><br>When the right woman walks into a man’s life, he begins to reevaluate himself. Is he doing all he can to reach the goals he has set? Is he happy with the shape he is in? Are his priorities in the right order?<br><br>This is not to say that a woman should be the sole source of motivation for a man, of course his drive should come from within and the desire to improve should be inherent, but the right woman can ignite reflection inside of him and make him take a closer look at how he is living his life.<br><br><br>5. She makes you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.<br><br>We all have a past. We have all experienced heartbreak, we have broken up with others and had them break up with us.<br><br>We have laughed and cried and had to move on from relationships we may have never thought would end – but when a woman who is truly right for you comes into your life, she will open your eyes to things you may not have realized were lacking in previous relationships.<br><br><br>6. She loves everything about you that the wrong women took for granted.<br><br>Not everyone will appreciate your kindness, your giving nature, or your selflessness. This goes for men, women, intimate relationships, family, friendships, everyone. The fact is that some people just will not appreciate you for you – but the right person will.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>7. She respects those who are important to you.<br><br>I always remember my parents saying when I was growing up – “when you marry someone, you don’t just marry them – you marry their whole family.” While this is more true in some situations than others, more than likely you will be around your partner’s family during holidays or special occasions at the very least – far more frequently at the most.<br><br><strong>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: May I add to this? Remember, when parents age, they may need to come live with you. Are you okay with this? And make sure you note the way she acts around her family, who knows her best, and who she knows best. Because I've observed and experienced that the way she treats them, is insight into how you'll be treated later.</strong><br><br>While we cannot be expected to like every person we come in contact with, showing respect and courtesy to each other’s families, friends, and anyone important in lives is essential to making everyone happy in the long term.<br><br><br>8. She supports your goals, passions, and dreams.<br><br>Not all of us are going to want the same things out of life. We may not understand why our significant other wants to set a Guinness World Record for the biggest bubblegum bubble ever blown or why they want to do whatever other crazy thing they want to do – but we will still support them.<br><br>We will support them because we love them and want to see them happy, even if we do not share the same passions. The right woman will do this for you, as you do it for her.<br><br><br>9. You can envision a future with her.<br><br>Dating has become so casual today that people are all about just living in the moment. Hooking up, taking things a day at a time, whatever happens happens.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>While this is all well and good for awhile or in younger ages, eventually most people will reach a point where they wonder exactly what they’ve been doing this whole time.<br><br>While I don’t think any experience is a waste of time, per-say, I do think our time is better used building something that has the potential to last in the long term.<br><br><br>10. Your values are similar.<br><br>Perhaps one of the most important points of all – it doesn’t matter how attracted to each other you are or how well you get along, if you view the world from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, finding synergy within your relationship will be a constant challenge.<br><br>For example, do you place the same importance on family?<br>I have recently really began to understand the importance of being with someone who perhaps there was a similar upbringing, or at least an instilling of values as what you had.<br><br>There is a big difference between making compromises for someone and having to change your entire view of the world. One can work out, the other likely cannot.<br><br><br>11. You're happier with her, than without her.<br><br>Every single person reading this has a different image in their head of what happiness looks like. We all have different pasts, experiences, upbringings, and backgrounds. We are from different parts of the world and hold different ideals and expectations. But, we do all have one thing in common: We want to be happy.<br><br>Regardless of any mental checklist we may define in our heads, regardless of what sort of lists we read on the internet, regardless of where someone is from or what social class they are a member of, the most important thing we can ever ask for is that we are simply with someone who helps make us happy.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When two people find and feel this way about each other, I truly believe they will find a way to make things work. They will overcome the hard times and celebrate the good times. They will work through challenges together and come out the other side smiling bigger and stronger than before – because that’s what teams do.<br><br>When you find this type of woman, make sure you hold on to her. But if you do all of these things for her in return (as you should), you won’t have to worry about losing her, because she will be holding on to you, too.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="When You Find This Type Of Woman, Never Let Her Go" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2014/12/29/when-you-find-this-type-of-woman-never-let-her-go/" target="_blank"><em>When You Find This Type Of Woman, Never Let Her Go</em></a> by <a contents="James M. Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com" target="_blank">James M. Sama</a>. Click on their titles to follow them on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, </em><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38208102020-09-02T07:30:00-04:002022-04-05T18:15:43-04:0020 Ways To Improve Your Relationships<p><em>20 Things to Start Doing in Your Relationships</em> by Marc Chernoff. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/f841fb92d4ddacae436b2f6657d91815b2ea0d4c/medium/20-ways-to-improve-your-relationships.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Family isn’t always blood. They’re the people in your life who appreciate having you in theirs – the ones who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways, and who not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be. These people – your real family – are the ones who truly matter.<br><br>Here are twenty tips to help you find and foster these special relationships.<br><br><br><strong>1. Free yourself from negative people</strong><br><br>Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. <br><br>Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. Let go of those who are already gone</strong><br><br>The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on. <br><br>We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. So when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.<br><br><br><strong>3. Give people you don’t know a fair chance</strong><br><br>When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them, and forced them to grow. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours. We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer. <br><br>So appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.<br><br><br><strong>4. Show everyone kindness and respect</strong><br><br>Even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are. There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother. People will notice your kindness.<br><br><br><strong>5. Accept people just the way they are</strong><br><br>In most cases it’s impossible to change them anyway, and it’s rude to try. So save yourself from needless stress. Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example.<br><br><br><strong>6. Encourage others and cheer for them</strong><br><br>Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.<br><br><br><strong>7. Be your imperfectly perfect self</strong><br><br>In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress.<br><br>Be your imperfectly perfect self around them. We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and love us for who we really are. And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love about us.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>8. Forgive people and move forward</strong><br><br>Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. <br><br>It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. Remember, the less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.<br><br><br><strong>9. Do little things every day for others</strong><br><br>Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.<br><br><br><strong>10. Pay attention to who your real friends are</strong><br><br>As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones. Remember, life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late.<br><br>But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess. These people are your real friends in life. They are the ones who matter most.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>11. Always be loyal</strong><br><br>True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable. These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated. When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty is everything.<br><br><br><strong>12. Stay in better touch with people who matter to you</strong><br><br>In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart. So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words.<br><br>Stay in touch with those who matter to you. Not because it’s convenient, but because they’re worth the extra effort. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of. Paying attention to these people is a priority.<br><br><br><strong>13. Keep your promises and tell the truth</strong><br><br>If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT! If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE! If you say you feel something, MEAN IT! If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE. It’s always better to tell people the truth up front. Don’t play games with people’s heads and hearts. <br><br>Don’t tell half-truths and expect people to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies. Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt. Lying, cheating and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts. Never mess with someone’s feelings just because you’re unsure of yours. Always be open and honest.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>14. Give what you want to receive</strong><br><br>Don’t expect what you are not willing to give. Start practicing the golden rule. If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It works. It really is this simple. <br><br><br><strong>15. Say what you mean and mean what you say</strong><br><br>Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable. Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication functioning. Start communicating clearly.<br><br>Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a family, friendship, or business relationships, start with bad communication.<br><br><br><strong>16. Allow others to make their own decisions</strong><br><br>Do not judge others by your own past. They are living a different life than you are. What might be good for one person may not be good for another. What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better. Allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.<br><br><br><strong>17. Talk a little less, and listen more</strong><br><br>Less advice is often the best advice. People don’t need lots of advice, they need a listening ear and some positive reinforcement. What they want to know is often already somewhere inside of them.<br><br>They just need time to think, be and breathe, and continue to explore the undirected journeys that will eventually help them find their direction.<br><br><br><strong>18. Leave petty arguments alone</strong><br><br>Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right. There are many roads to what’s right. And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much.<br><br><br><strong>19. Ignore unconstructive, hurtful commentary</strong><br><br>No one has the right to judge you. They might have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What most people think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.<br><br><br><strong>20. Pay attention to your relationship with yourself</strong><br><br>One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving others too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? <br><br>When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?<br><br>Read another popular post:<a contents="&nbsp;Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em> Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="20 Things to Start Doing in Your Relationships" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/01/29/20-things-to-start-doing-in-your-relationships/" target="_blank"><em>20 Things to Start Doing in Your Relationships</em></a> by <a contents="Marc Chernoff" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/about/" target="_blank">Marc Chernoff</a>. Marc did a great job with this article. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://instagram.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38461532020-08-31T07:10:00-04:002022-04-05T18:15:47-04:008 Tips To Make Your Relationship Feel Like It Did In The Beginning<p><em>8 Tips to Make Your Relationship Feel Like it Did in the Beginning</em> by Sara Altschule. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/b4e897f0090984c95da5fbdcec71a3a94abe90c5/medium/8-tips-to-make-your-relationship-feel-like-it-did-in-the-beginning.jpg?1441722902" class="size_m justify_center border_" />The beginning of a relationship is all butterflies and daisies. It feels like a fairytale that you want to never end. But soon, those butterflies fly back down to earth, and the daises aren’t blooming as big as they used to.<br><br>This fairytale story isn’t what it used to be. I’m not saying it’s a book of horrors, but it could use a little fairy dust. Most relationships go through this. You lose sight of those fireworks and don’t know how to get that intense spark back.<br><br>Here are some tips to make your relationship feel like it did in the beginning.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>In the beginning of a new relationship, it’s all about being spontaneous. As your relationship goes on, so does your routine. Routines are great, but you two need to spice up the spontaneity.<br><br>Don’t you remember when you both used to go out on a work night, just because? Or when you decided to drive to Las Vegas that one weekend last minute? These are the nights you’ll never forget. Make more of those moments.<br><br><br>2. Kiss<br><br>Don’t you remember when you first starting dating and you two would just make out for hours on the couch? It was like you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other, or your lips.<br><br>As the relationship grows, unfortunately, the making out starts to fade. Well, I say, bring on those kisses again! Start acting like you two are teenagers and get to kissin’.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>3. Reminiscence<br><br>An excellent way to rekindle your relationship is to reminiscence about when you two first met. Talking about the moment you first saw each other can bring back those old butterflies. Pull out old photographs and memorabilia and anything else that brings out good feelings.<br><br>Go on your very first date again and laugh about those silly awkward (but cute) moments you once had. Bring up your first kiss and how you knew he was the one when he just went for it.<br><br><br>4. Date Differently<br><br>Your once-romantic dinners turned into TV dinners while watching the news. Um, no, thank you. Turn this around. Start planning out actual date nights with each other.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Switch off planning the dates to make it fun. Go on dates you both have never been on. Try a new kind of food together. Travel to a different city. Date differently.<br><br><br>5. Spice Up the Bedroom<br><br>Spicing it up shouldn’t just be meant for the kitchen. You also need to spice it up in the bedroom. If you and your partner’s sex life has become one note, you’re going to need to add in some flavor.<br><br>Think back to how you two got down in the beginning and do those moves again. Let that wild side of you show again. Try out new moves, or even new places. Who knows where this can take you.<br><br><br>6. Touch<br><br>In the beginning of your relationship, holding hands was the name of the game. You two were the cuddle masters and no one could dethrone you. How quickly things can change.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Pick up those hands and start holding on to each other. Even hugging one another can make you feel more connected than you ever imagined. So in order to not lose touch with each other, start touching more often.<br><br><br>7. Words<br><br>In the first months of dating, you both used your words to express how you feel. After you know you have your relationship on lockdown, these words start to lessen.<br><br>Those sweet loving texts aren’t being sent as much and those compliments aren’t being told as much. But you can’t lie, you miss those “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen” texts or those love notes left on each other’s cars. Start speaking up again. Tell your loved one how much you love him or her.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>8. Sleep Together<br><br>Getting enough sleep in life is important. So is getting enough sleep with your partner. When a relationship starts, you two usually go to sleep together. But as months pass, you might be putting your relationship on snooze.<br><br>One of you usually ends up on the couch watching TV, while the other decides to hit the hay alone. This creates less intimacy and is the opposite of rekindling your relationship. Start making a conscious effort to go to sleep together. A happy bed makes a happy couple.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="8 Tips to Make Your Relationship Feel Like it Did in the Beginning" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/48827-8-tips-to-make-your-relationship-feel-like-it-did-in-the-beginning" target="_blank"><em>8 Tips to Make Your Relationship Feel Like it Did in the Beginning</em></a> by <a contents="Sara Altschule" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.bustle.com/profile/sara-altschule-1906887" target="_blank">Sara Altschule</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/47570032020-08-30T13:25:00-04:002022-04-05T18:16:21-04:005 Secrets to a Happy Marriage: 1. Put Your Spouse First<p><em>Secret to a Happy Marriage: Put Your Spouse First</em> by Mel Robbins. See details below.</p>
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<p>The E! reporter, Giuliana Rancic, said putting her husband first, and the baby second is the secret to her happy marriage. I couldn’t agree more. As you might suspect, a nuclear meltdown happened online as women who put their kids first came out on attack. I was invited to appear on Good Morning America to defend Giuliana.</p>
<p>If you watch the segment, you’ll meet these two female bloggers who basically say the kids always come first and then laugh about where their spouses fall on the list…. “If you asked me what the breakdown was I would say my children, my girlfriends, then my husband. But…don’t tell him that because he doesn’t know it.” And then they laugh hysterically like it’s all a big joke. </p>
<p>Marriage isn’t a joke. It’s something we work hard at and are tremendously proud of. I want it to last a lifetime, which is why I treat it accordingly. </p>
<p>I bet her husband‘s breakdown is the same: my children, my girlfriends and then my wife….but don’t tell her because she doesn’t know it because she’s too busy focusing on her kids, her friends and her self. Marriage isn’t a joke. If you put your spouse last; it’s a tragic, sad affair. My husband Chris and I have been together for 19 years.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Like you, our lives are consumed by the logistics of running a household, managing careers and caring for our three kids and a dog. Like you, our lives are impossibly busy. Like you, we love our kids. Our marriage provides the foundation for everything that we’ve built together. It isn’t a joke.</p>
<p>It’s something we work hard at and are tremendously proud of. I want it to last a lifetime, which is why I treat it accordingly. If you stop and think about it, it’s the way it should be. You should put your marriage first: <br><br><br><strong>1. A strong marriage is the healthiest thing you can give your kids.</strong></p>
<p>Your kids feel safe and loved when they see two parents who work as a team, take interest in each other, make an effort, display both respect and affection and act like one another’s favorite, even after all these years. <br><br><br><strong>2. If you put your spouse first, your marriage will last your lifetime. </strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>If you want your marriage to last your lifetime, give it the attention and effort it deserves. Your kids will live with you for just two short decades. Putting your marriage on cruise control for 20 years, while you focus on your kids is like falling asleep at the wheel—deadly. When your kids leave, your spouse is the one who’s left. If you’ve made them your last priority (and think it’s funny) they’d be dumb to stay with you. <br><br><br><strong>3. Spouses aren’t roommates, they’re partners and lovers.</strong></p>
<p>When your kids become the center of your universe…your role as wife gets shelved. Slowly you start to feel like a taxi driver, lunch packer and homework checker.</p>
<p>You and your spouse become so busy focusing on everything but each other that you drift apart. At first you just feel really busy, but then you start to feel like roommates. You settle into that routine assuming it’s a phase. And you’re right it is a phase:—it’s the beginning of the end. Suddenly the kids are gone—and you can’t remember why you married each other in the first place. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. You don’t want to raise obnoxious kids.</strong></p>
<p>When you make kids the center of your universe, they turn into adults who think they are the center of the universe. <br><br><br><strong>5. Don’t you want your kids to grow up and marry someone who puts them first?</strong></p>
<p>Of course you do! And, its your job to teach them what it looks like. Show them with your marriage first </p>
<p>Putting your marriage first is actually really easy. All you have to do is to find small ways make your spouse feel cherished. You already do this to your dog, just follow that philosophy: Treat your spouse like the dog, only better: greet them at the door, always be happy to see them (wag your tail), go for walks every day, reward good behavior several times a day with a treat, give lots of physical affection every day (pet the dog) and don’t hold grudges (you don’t punish a dog for weeks on end for pooping once in the house…so don’t be mad at your spouse for something they said last week). </p>
<p>Bring him/her coffee every morning. Hug, hold hands, often. Text/flirt throughout the day (reminders “just thinking about you xo”). Make your bedroom a no kids zone—explain to the kids that it’s “your space." Say I love you, in front of the kids, daily. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Plan the week as a family, every Sunday to make logistics a minimum. You and your spouse should manage your family like it’s a team but you’re the star players. A friend of mine calls it “steering the ship”—the family may all be on the same cruise liner—but you and your spouse drive it. </p>
<p>It’s simple stuff if you think about it. Honestly it’s just about your focus. Life is busy. Technology overwhelms us. When you throw in kids, pets, work, girlfriends, etc—you have to prioritize—you can not do it all. Declaring your spouse as your number one priority is the first step, from there it’s pretty simple.</p>
<p>My mom and will be married 45 years in June. To this day, I remember when dad would come home, he’d hug mom first and the dog would start barking at their embrace because he was so jealous.</p>
<p>I remember that we’d have to wait to have dinner until he got home from work, no matter how late it was. Even at a young age, I knew that we weren’t waiting because they wanted us to all be together, it was because they wanted to be together. I also remember how he told her he loved her every day and kissed her before he left for work.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>They modeled a marriage that I wanted. I wanted to be the most important thing in my husband’s life, and vice versa. I never felt a lack of love, just the opposite—I was surrounded by it. I knew my dad loved me, but I knew he loved my mom most. And, that’s how it should be.</p>
<p>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Secret to a Happy Marriage: Put Your Spouse First" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.success.com/blog/secret-to-a-happy-marriage-put-your-spouse-first" target="_blank"><em>Secret to a Happy Marriage: Put Your Spouse First</em></a> by <a contents="Mel Robbins" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.success.com/profile/mel-robbins" target="_blank">Mel Robbins</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!</p>
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<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a><em> </em>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/45898712020-08-29T08:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:16:33-04:0017 Traits Of A Successful Relationship<p><em>17 Things Every Strong Relationship Has in Common</em> by Staff. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/9603d327eb0caa886355cb6fe16bb63f1794564e/medium/17-traits-of-a-successful-relationship.jpg?1487096116" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>They say the perfect relationship doesn’t exist, and maybe they’re right. But happy and healthy ones do. Maybe they’re not flawless, but they’re meaningful—and they share certain characteristics and positive qualities that make them so. </p>
<p>Here are 17 things all strong relationships have in common:</p>
<p><br><strong>1. Love</strong> <br><br>“When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.” –John Lennon. Bring a little love into your life and the lives of others, and watch it work miracles. <br><br><br><strong>2. Devotion</strong> <br><br>So if, God help us, we are ever tempted to ditch our marriage when it’s lost its glow, let’s give the thing our finest spit and polish — and, having learned our lesson, not let go. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. Kindness</strong> <br><br>How kind should you be? As kind as you possibly can. Who should you be kind to? To everyone you come in contact with. A kind word goes a long way. Perhaps somebody is having a bad day and you don’t know it. They are really feeling down and you offer a kind word.<br><br>Maybe it’s just a friendly, “Hello, how are you today?” Maybe it’s just taking a minute or two to listen to what somebody has to say. But your few moments of attention could turn somebody’s day around. You might make them feel more worthwhile and important. <br><br><br><strong>4. Appreciation </strong><br><br>“Do unto others as you would have done unto you” might sound like common sense until you reflect on your own daily interactions. You’ll find that the idea of taking a moment to sincerely appreciate where your counterpart is coming from isn’t actually all that common. <br><br><br><strong>5. Attention</strong> <br><br>Treat your spouse (or your family and friends) like you do the dog, only better: Greet them at the door, always be happy to see them, go for walks every day, reward good behavior several times a day with a treat, give lots of physical affection and don’t hold grudges. <br><br><br><strong>6. Selflessness</strong><br><br>Learn to approach work, life and people with a voracious thirst for social chemicals (obtained naturally of course!). Find a reality where connection, compassion, empathy and love dominate. Where we connect first and do business second.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Where we approach each person we come across—including in the workplace—with a wild sense of curiosity, an unreasonable benefit of the doubt and the thought of I love you in our hearts and minds. <br><br><br><strong>7. A Common Purpose</strong> <br><br>The most meaningful relationships are those that are held together by a common purpose and vision for what it can accomplish. When people have a common purpose, they feel like they are part of a team—they feel bound together.<br><br>So even when you might be disappointed in the person you are in relationship with, if there is a purpose there, such as raising the children, you are much more likely to stick it out. Purpose creates bonds, and when you are seeking it out, the relationship gets better and stronger. <br><br><br><strong>8. Openness</strong> <br><br>Communication and being open with your partner is important, for your partner to be updated on how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and vice versa. The best way to be open with your partner is to tell them how you are feeling as soon as that feeling arises.<br><br>Don’t wait to see if it goes away. Talk about it and communicate with each other so you can start working on solving that problem. Waiting to see if the problem will fix itself is the worst idea. <br><br><br><strong>9. Love Languages </strong><br><br>“Love is a way of life. Love is a part of who you are so that when a person encounters you, they’re going to feel love,” says relationship expert Gary Chapman. “The reality is many times people may reciprocate, but that is not the objective.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The objective is to enhance others’ lives.” Make that your objective with your spouse, and you might just find that you are happily ever after. <br><br><br><strong>10. Adaptability</strong> <br><br>Developing your adaptability allows you to understand how different types of people would like to be treated. It does not mean imitating the other person’s behavior. It does mean adjusting your behavior to be more in line with the other person’s preferences.<br><br>The effectively adaptable person meets the other person’s needs and his own. He knows how to negotiate relationships in a way that allows everyone to win. With adaptability you are practicing the spirit of the Golden Rule and can treat the other person the way he wants to be treated. <br><br><br><strong>11. Integrity </strong><br><br>For some people, disappointing others is a regular occurrence, and apologizing—for running late, for forgetting to do the thing they said they would—has become a recurring theme.<br><br>They have become desensitized to the pain causing someone’s disappointment and are able to rattle off an “I’m sorry” in a way that doesn’t carry any real remorse. And the reason is ultimately a lack of integrity. If this is you, it’s time for a change; it’s time to step up, stop repeating the same mistakes and build your integrity. <br><br><br><strong>12. Empathy</strong> <br><br>Empathy is one of the most important characteristics for relationships, whether at work or with family members or friends. “If you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, even if you don’t agree, then you can often see the issue from their perspective.<br><br>This will then open the door for collaboration and communication,” says Gail Gross, Ph.D., a family, relationship and child development expert. “If you are busy defending yourself, then you can’t hear what the other person has to say.” <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>13. Forgiveness</strong> <br><br>Holding on to baggage weighs heavily on any relationship. Resentment, disappointment and frustration, when left unresolved, erode trust and drain our spirit. You know you have a great relationship when you are able to express how you feel and let it go.<br><br>You are able to forgive shortcoming and failings. You support one another. You learn from the experiences you face, and you move on. <br><br><br><strong>14. Ownership</strong> <br><br>Realize that it is your life, and no one but you is going to take responsibility for the results that you are getting, in a relationship or not. Honestly assess where you are. Do you like it? If you are in a relationship, how is it going? Are you satisfied with where the two of you are?<br><br>Your level of intimacy, connection and fulfillment? Talk about your relationship and plan to make it even better going forward. <br><br><br><strong>15. Alone Time</strong> <br><br>There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about spending time alone. Independence—and that quality relaxation—is good for couples, no matter how close their connection.<br><br>After taking the time to do things that make them feel good—refreshed—both partners will come back feeling renewed… and lucky to be in a balanced and healthy relationship. <br><br><br><strong>16. Fun</strong> <br><br>All good relationships have some element of fun. Fun brings enjoyment to the relationship and that is important. Oftentimes this key element can be easily forgotten or neglected in our family and spousal relationships.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The fun things we did initially in a new relationship after a while can be taken for granted or simply fall by the wayside and we stop creating the fun and joy. So remember to consciously craft fun situations and moments, for these are the glue that hold our memories together and make our lives sweet. <br><br><br><strong>17. Warmth</strong> <br><br>Love is so many things: gentle, liberating, warm. Love is the binding that seals our very existence. Love keeps us whole and encourages us to share the adoration we feel for others, and even to cherish ourselves.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="17 Things Every Strong Relationship Has in Common" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.success.com/article/17-things-every-strong-relationship-has-in-common" target="_blank"><em>17 Things Every Strong Relationship Has in Common</em></a> by Staff. Click on the link to follow Success Magazine!<br><br>---<br><br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38340352020-08-28T14:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:16:43-04:008 Things I Wish I'd Known As A Newlywed<p><em>8 Things I Wish I'd Known As A Newlywed </em>by Tyler Ward.<em> </em>See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/755952b9cdc225b35a96b54f13309d6b3285dbd3/medium/8-things-i-wish-id-known-as-a-newly-wed.jpg?1440711533" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>We walked the aisle, said “I do,” and stuffed cake in each others faces when I was 24.<br><br>I wasn’t 25 before I realized that I had absolutely no idea how to be married.<br><br>I brought a lifetime of bad ideas and bloated expectations to this enigmatic relationship, and the deeper we got into marriage, the more ridiculous some of my most basic assumptions about it proved to be.<br><br>After slamming doors and screaming matches became regular hobbies of ours, I knew I needed to put some of these basic expectations to the test.<br><br>My personal exploration hasn’t ended—and ideally, never will. But here are a few things I’ve picked up along the way that could save newlyweds at least a few hard days.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. Happily Ever After is a Perk—Not the Point.</strong><br><br>Our modern obsession with being happy often makes it far easier for us to love happiness more than we ever love another human.<br><br>Our modern obsession with being happy often makes it far easier for us to love happiness more than we ever love another human. And though being happy is a very real by-product of a healthy relationship, the value we put on personal fulfillment is so inflated, it’s causing us to miss one of the more beautiful purposes of marriage.<br><br>In Hebrew, the word used for marriage actually means "Fire." And not-so-coincidentally, fire is also the element used throughout ancient Hebrew culture to represent personal reformation. In this light, marriage, and its necessary—but often unhappy—friction, is seen less as a doorway to happily ever after and more as a tool in God’s hands to help us become increasingly beautiful—increasingly our best and brightest selves.<br><br><br><strong>2. The Perks of Marriage are Incredible—But They Take Work.</strong><br><br>Many experts say young people simply expect too much from marriage. But I tend to think that it's not what perks we expect, but how we expect to get them that sets us up for disappointment in marriage.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We walk the aisle, recite a few vows and subconsciously expect marriage to be a genie in a bottle without a price tag—freely giving out sustainable happiness, breathtaking sex and emotional security.<br><br>But you aren’t entitled to the benefits of love just because you put a ring on it. Those perks only come with intentional investment and personal sacrifice.<br><br><br><strong>3. Good Consumers Make Bad Lovers.</strong><br><br>The Hebrew word for love, ahava, has little to do with what one feels or receives. To the contrary ahava is actually a verb that means "I give."<br><br>Love is not the fleeting butterflies we get when looking into the eyes of our significant other. It's far simpler—and far wilder—than all of that. It is the big, small, mundane—but generous—choices to give to our spouse. And as we begin to orient ourselves to this brand of love that requires us to show up continually, we're sure to discover the beautiful paradox that it is.<br><br><br><strong>4. Love is a Journey—Not a Free Fall.</strong><br><br>Many of us think we meet someone, date, fall in love and then get married. We then expect to reap the rewards of love immediately—and inevitably learn that true love isn't, in fact, something we fall into. This state of "Love" (and all of its benefits) is developed over years of learning to relate to one another—it's a journey.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>These benefits are very real perks of love, but we don’t simply fall into them. Why? Because trust requires time, true companionship comes from years of conversation, and the kind of romance that doesn't fade only comes from being intentional over the long-haul.<br><br><br><strong>5. Marriage isn’t Just a Choice.</strong><br><br>“I do.”<br><br>With those words, we choose to embark on a journey to learn how to give, to value and to care for another human as much as we do ourselves. But marriage isn’t just a choice we make on our wedding day. Its a choice we make every day.<br><br>A good friend says it this way, “Marriage isn’t something we accomplished the day we said ‘I do.’ It is an ongoing action of marrying our individual lives—with all of our thoughts, responses, fears and strengths—together.”<br><br><br><strong>6. Marriage is Designed to be Priority No. 1</strong>.<br><br>One of the most useful tips I’ve been given on marriage comes from a rabbi who said, “All of your problems (financial, relational, marital, etc.) are because your marriage isn’t your highest priority. The gains that a spouse will feel on both a spiritual and material level defy description, once they make their marriage first place.”<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The moment our spouse feels less important than our work, friends or hobbies—our efforts of love suddenly mean very little to them. But when marriage is given its rightful place in our priorities—our spouse becomes a partner and asset to every other area of life.<br><br><br><strong>7. Your Spouse isn’t the Problem. You are.</strong><br><br>Marriage is not simply a private endeavor between two people. When looking through the lens of research, healthy marriage is clearly a social good.<br><br>It took me a long time (and an absurd number of yelling matches) to see my wife’s “issues” were actually just a reflection of much deeper brokenness in me.<br><br>This is the phenomenon Solomon alludes to when he says, “As in water, face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man.” Or what one of my teachers told me, “You didn’t get married to correct your spouse. You got married to be corrected, by using your spouse as a mirror.”<br><br><br><strong>8. The World Needs Love</strong><br><br>Social & scientific studies show that for better or worse, your marriage changes you, determines your spouse’s growth, affects your kids development, alters the future of your community and has implications on your economy.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Marriage is not simply a private endeavor between two people. When looking through the lens of research, healthy marriage is clearly a social good.<br><br>Our modern world doesn’t need any more millionaires or leaders or soldiers or philanthropists—not primarily, anyway. What the world needs are better lovers—husbands and wives committed to learning the unnatural art of loving another person.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="8 Things I Wish I'd Known As A Newlywed" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/8-things-i-wish-id-known-newlywed" target="_blank"><em>8 Things I Wish I'd Known As A Newlywed</em></a> by Tyler Ward. <br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38156192020-08-24T08:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:16:53-04:006 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic<p><em>6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic</em> by Mark Manson. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/71414e27c70721bf17f610681a7078e6a4a168f1/medium/6-healthy-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-toxic.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>This article explains how traits that don’t fit our traditional narrative for what love is and what love should be are actually necessary ingredients for lasting relationship success.<br><br><br><strong>1. Letting Some Conflicts Go Unresolved</strong><br><br>John Gottman has been studying intimate relationships for more than 40 years.<br><br>Gottman devised the process of “thin-slicing” relationships, a technique where he hooks couples up to all sorts of biometric devices and then records them having short conversations about their problems. Gottman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame looking at biometric data, body language, tonality and specific words chosen. He then combines all of this data together to predict whether your marriage sucks or not.<br><br>His “thin-slicing” process boasts a staggering 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wed couples will divorce within 10 years — a staggeringly high result for any psychological research. His method went on to be featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s bestselling book Blink. Gottman’s seminars also report a 50% higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional marriage counseling. His research papers have won enough academic awards to fill the state of Delaware. And he’s written nine books on the subjects of intimate relationships, marital therapy and the science of trust.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The point is, when it comes to understanding what makes long-term relationships succeed, John Gottman will slam-dunk in your face and then sneer at you afterwards.<br><br>And the first thing Gottman says in almost all of his books is this: The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth.<br><br>In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for 40+ years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving everything because they believed that there should be a void of disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship too.<br><br>People like to fantasize about “true love.” But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don’t like. Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partners or things they don’t agree with, and that this is fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.<br><br>The truth is, trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes the most optimal relationship strategy is one of “live and let live.”<br><br><br><strong>2. Being Willing To Hurt Each Other's Feelings</strong><br><br>My girlfriend is one of those women who spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. She loves to look amazing and I love for her to look amazing too (obviously).<br><br>Nights before we go out, she always comes out of the bathroom after an hour-long make-up/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks me how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. But every once in a while, she looks bad. <br><br>When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at me.<br><br>Men stereotypically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. She calls me out on my stuff sometimes, and it’s honestly one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I gripe and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and wow she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time.<br><br>It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right. There's more important stuff: values, needs and trust.<br><br>If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.<br><br>These conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs. With out them, we get lost and lose track of one another.<br><br><br><strong>3. Being Willing To End It</strong><br><br>Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any romantic movie and I’ll show you a desperate and needy character who mistreats themselves for the sake of being in love with someone.<br><br>The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.<br><br>Romeo and Juliet was originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young love and how irrational romantic beliefs can make you do stupid shit like drink poison because your parents don’t like some girl’s parents. But somehow we look at this story as romantic. It’s this kind of irrational idealization that leads people to stay with partners who are abusive or negligent, to give up on their own needs and identities, to make themselves into imaginary martyrs who are perpetually miserable, to suppress their own pain and suffering in the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”<br><br>Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves, our values, our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.<br><br><br><strong>4. Feeling Attraction For Someone Outside The Relationship</strong><br><br>Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. <br><br>As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. I get emails all the time from people in happy marriages/relationships who get blindsided by finding someone else attractive and they feel like horrible, horrible people because of it. Not only are we capable of finding multiple people attractive and interesting at the same time, but it’s a biological inevitability.<br><br>What isn’t an inevitability are our choices to act on it or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.<br><br>This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be it, end of story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.<br><br>But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.<br><br>When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you (suppression) rather than dictating your behavior for yourself (feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything).<br><br>People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves having sex with a co-worker in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to project them onto their partner and becoming blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought and whim, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. You’re killing a part of yourself and it ultimately only comes back to harm your relationship.<br><br>When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. But it also reminds me why, out of all of the beautiful women I’ve ever met and dated, I chose to be with my girlfriend. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is common. But real intimacy is not.<br><br>When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?<br><br>What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.<br><br><br><strong>5. Spending Time Apart</strong><br><br>You see it all the time: the man who meets his girlfriend and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her boyfriend likes even though she doesn’t know how to hold the XBox controller properly. We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.<br><br>When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person we’re infatuated with. This feels great. It’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.<br><br>The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.<br><br>It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>6. Accepting Your Partner's Flaws</strong><br><br>In his famous book <em>The Unbearable Lightness of Being</em>, Milan Kundera said there are two types of womanizers: 1) men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her, and 2) men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.<br><br>I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either try to make their partner be perfect by “fixing” them or changing them. Or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.<br><br>This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Let’s break it down:<br><br>1. Every person has flaws and imperfections.<br>2. You can’t ever force a person to change.<br>3. Therefore: You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate.<br><br>The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, then that’s a sign of true intimacy.<br><br>One of the best expressions of this idea came from Plato in the form of a myth. In his Symposium, Plato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. There were no men or women. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and they were powerful, so powerful that they rose up and challenged the gods themselves.<br><br>This posed a problem for the gods. They didn’t want to completely wipe out the human race as they’d have no one to rule over. But at the same time they had to do something to humble and distract humanity.<br><br>So Zeus split them in half. He split each human into a man and a woman and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the world looking for their other half, the half that would make them feel whole and powerful again. And this wholeness came not from two perfections meeting, but two imperfections meeting, two imperfections that both complemented and compensated for one another’s shortcomings.<br><br>The artist Alex Grey once said that, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another and our flaws enamor one another.<br><br>It may be our perfections that attract one another. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether we stay together or not.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/6-healthy-habits" target="_blank"><em>6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic</em></a> by <a contents="Mark Manson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/" target="_blank">Mark Manson</a>. Click on Mr. Manson's name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38259542020-08-19T10:50:00-04:002023-12-16T21:13:48-05:00Why Women Leave Men<p><em>Why Women Leave Men </em>by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/3ea4ad333e059128819bbc8fdd5e57f8c61434c8/medium/why-women-leave-men.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>"I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned."<br><br>"My husband is no longer my friend."<br><br>"The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex."<br><br>"He is never there for me when I need him the most."<br><br>"When he hurts my feelings he doesn't apologize."<br><br>"He lives his life as if we weren't married; he rarely considers me."<br><br>"We're like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine."<br><br>"My husband has become a stranger to me, I don't even know who he is anymore."<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>"He doesn't show any interest in me or what I do." <br><br>Why do women seem so dissatisfied with marriage? What do they want from their husbands? What bothers them so much about marriage that most are willing to risk their families' future to escape it?<br><br>Each day I am confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They usually express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them, let alone change enough to solve the problem.<br><br>From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.<br><br>When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a very different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general, and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they've made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizeable contribution to the family.<br><br>They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.<br><br>The simpler role of husbands in decades past has now been replaced by a much more complex and confusing role, especially in their relationship with their wives. Some conclude that women are born to complain and men must ignore it to survive.<br><br>Others feel that women have come to expect so much of men that they are impossible to please, so there's no point in even trying. Very few men, these days, feel that they have learned to become the husbands that their wives have wanted, and the job seems to be getting more and more difficult.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is "mental cruelty." When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband's efforts to drive them crazy. It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.<br><br>Neglect includes both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment. Husbands that work away from the home, sometimes leaving their wives alone for weeks at a time, fall into this category.<br><br>Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety.<br><br>There has been increasing social pressure on men lately to avoid hurting their wives physically and verbally, which makes my job even easier. But neglect is a much tougher sell. While it is the most important reason women leave men, it is hard to convince men that it is a legitimate reason, something they should avoid at all costs.<br><br>Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, "He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive."<br><br>Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel that their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic if married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Do women expect too much of their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should? I've proven to husbands over and over again that their wives usually do not expect too much of them, and when they understand and respond to their wives' frustration, the complaining ends and a terrific marriage begins.<br><br>What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate, someone they trust who is there for them when they have a problem, who takes their feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom they feel emotionally connected.<br><br>I use a house as an illustration to help husbands understand how their wives feel. Each room in the house represents one of the husband's roles in life. There is a room for his job as a production manager, there is another for golf, another for his new sports car, one for his garden, one for his children, and, yes, one for his wife.<br><br>As he makes his way through an average day, he visits various rooms when he is faced with the role the room defines. And when he's in a certain room, the others are blocked out of his mind so that he can focus his undivided attention on the role he plays at the time.<br><br>He does his best when he's not faced with distractions, and prefers to deal with each problem with all his energy and creativity so that he does the best he can in each role he plays.<br><br>The wives of most men are only one of many rooms in this imaginary house. It represents the "husband" role. When they are in that room, they usually try to give their wives undivided attention and make a special effort to meet their needs. They also go to that room to have their own needs met, particularly the need for sex.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>What frustrates wives most is that they are relegated to only one room in their husbands' imaginary house instead of every room. In other words, they want to be integrated into a man's entire life, not relegated to one corner. Without such integration, there can be no emotional bonding, no uniting of the spirit, no feeling of intimacy and, in many cases, no sex.<br><br>They learn to integrate their wives into every aspect of their lives. When I counsel a husband, I explain that he is to invite his wife into each room of his house. Regardless of his role or responsibility, his wife should be considered in each decision he makes. Once the invitation is made, the results are startling!<br><br>When a husband invites his wife into each room of his house, she helps change his priorities. She reminds him that her feelings are very different from his. As a result, he begins to live his life in a way that is compatible to her needs and values.<br><br>He learns how to avoid habits that cause his wife to be unhappy, and he learns how to meet her most important emotional needs. He also learn how to give his undivided attention to her and schedule time to be alone with her.<br><br>To help men integrate their wives into each room, I have encouraged husbands to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.<br><br>This policy helps men take their wives' feelings into account whenever they make a decision. They avoid thoughtless habits, learn to meet emotional needs with mutual enjoyment and resolve their conflicts. All of this creates marital compatibility and emotional bonding.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The word "anything" in the policy applies to all the activities of a husband that go on in each of his rooms. So whenever he follows it, he learns to think about his wife's reaction to everything he does, not just what goes on in the "husband" room.<br><br>Some argue that just an agreement would be a big help, why insist on enthusiastic agreement? It's because I want couples to avoid agreements that are coerced or self-sacrificing. I want couples to learn how to come to agreements that take both of their interests into account at once.<br><br>Joint agreement means that both husband and wife must be enthusiastic together, and no one risks losing their identity or subjecting themselves to slavery when they themselves must be enthusiastic about each decision. The goal is to become united in purpose and spirit, not to overpower or control each other.<br><br>Couples that are already emotionally bonded have little or no trouble following this policy because they have already learned how to behave in sensitive and caring ways in each of their life's roles. But emotionally distant couples have great difficulty with the policy at first.<br><br>They are accustomed to doing what they please regardless of it's effect on each other, especially when they play certain roles. <br><img src="https://track.flexlinkspro.com/i.ashx?foid=1096665.289124&fot=9999&foc=2&fos=1" class="size_orig justify_inline border_" height="0" style="opacity: 0;" width="0" /><br>As couples apply the policy to each of their daily plans and activities, they begin to feel cared for by each other and are encouraged by each other's thoughtfulness. Over time, their emotional bonding becomes more and more firm, and the policy becomes easier and easier to follow as they become soul mates. These men become increasingly sensitive to their wives' feelings.<br><br>If men consider their wives feelings in each decision they make, asking their wives when there is any uncertainty, they create a compatible lifestyle. The Policy of Joint Agreement helps create understanding, emotional bonding, intimacy and romantic love in marriage. Men that learn to take their wives feelings into account meet their most important emotional needs.<br><br>They also learn to overcome the selfish habits that make their wives so unhappy, because these habits do not meet the standard of mutual agreement. Over time, they experience what every couple hopes to create in marriage: A loving and compatible relationship.<br><br>A woman doesn't leave the man who has invited her into every room of his house. That's because she doesn't stand outside the rooms of his house feeling like a stranger. She is welcomed into his entire home as his cherished life partner.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Why Women Leave Men" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html" target="_blank"><em>Why Women Leave Men</em></a> by <a contents="Dr. Willard Harley" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html" target="_blank">Dr. Willard Harley</a>. Click on his name to follow him on social media.<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a><br>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37914692020-08-18T19:50:00-04:002020-08-18T20:49:36-04:009 Ways You Might Be Unknowingly Destroying Your Marriage<p>A combination of two articles: <em>5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Husband and Killing Your Marriage</em> by Katelyn Carmen and <em>4 Things That Are Hurting Your Wife and Killing Your Marriage</em> by Matt Walsh. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/8bcc8caf45f2308a27caa93094fae61cd2d157f5/medium/9-ways-you-might-be-unknowingly-destroying-your-marriage.png" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Mrs. Carmen: When I got married, I was amazed at the instant, overwhelming sense of responsibility I felt to love and care for my husband. Suddenly, a huge part of someone else's well-being and happiness was largely affected by my choices and actions.<br><br>Women, we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands and marriages. Don't let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.<br><br>Here are just a few ways you might be unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage (as a caveat, please understand that although this article is directed toward women, it applies to men as well):<br><br><br><strong>1. Living outside of what you can afford (Mrs. Carmen)</strong><br><br>A wise old woman once advised me: "The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband's means."<br><br>Wives, show sincere appreciation and respect to your husband by carefully following a budget and making the most of what you have. Be wise about your finances.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Constantly complaining about not having enough when it comes to purchasing things you "want" rather than "need" can be a poor way of saying "thank you" to a faithful spouse who works hard every day to provide for the family.<br><br>Yes, you may not have enough to buy that designer bag you've had your eyes on for months, but your husband will love and appreciate the fact that you honor him and are grateful for what he provides.<br><br><strong>James Russell Lingerfelt: A wise business person told me once to strive to live off one spouse's salary, and then use the other salary for investments. An emergency fund and a vacation fund should be in the leading budget.</strong><br><br>Mr. Walsh: I won’t bother with a ‘this could apply to women, too’ disclaimer, because if you can’t figure out that such things are always implied, I don’t know what to do with you.<br><br><br><strong>2. Porn (Mr. Walsh)</strong><br><br>There probably isn’t a more efficient way to make your wife feel betrayed, used, and violated than picking up a porn habit. Porn is poison. There’s nothing harmless about it. Nothing innocent. Nothing fun. It’s prostitution by proxy.<br><br>Speaking of which, I’ve always wondered why we draw a distinction between a prostitute and a porn star. The former is paid to have sex, the latter is paid to have sex. The only difference is who pays and how much. Same can be said for the Johns. A guy watching porn is paying to be sexually gratified by a (probably abused and drug addicted) young woman. Whether he pays through a subscription or pays just by clicking on the website and helping to drive revenue, he pays.<br><br>The man with the hooker in the Motel 6 is also paying to be sexually gratified, but in a more direct manner. In some ways, you might say that the prostitute and the John are at least honest about what they’re doing. The porn star and the porn viewer hide behind screens and in front of cameras, but it’s all the same.<br><br>There are a lot of reason to hate pornography, but one of the reasons certainly has something to do with how delusional it makes us. Many married guys insist there’s nothing wrong with it, but I doubt they’d say there’s nothing wrong with sitting in the same room as a woman and watching her have sex.<br><br>They might go to strip clubs, but they’d probably admit that it’s not a place a married men should be going, either. And whether they do it or not, they’d likely admit that they shouldn’t be sexting or flirting with other women. Yet spending hours viewing graphic sex on their laptop is substantively different from all of these things.. how? Because it’s a fantasy? No it isn’t. It’s real. It’s happening. It’s physically happening. The act is facilitated by modems and internet connections, but it’s happening.<br><br>This brings up a whole new conversation, I suppose. The experience of watching something on TV or doing something on the computer is so passive and effortless that we think it doesn’t ‘count.’ Imagine the cyber troll who types the most vicious and hateful things in the YouTube comment section, but would never dream of breathing a word of any of it to anyone in ‘real life.’<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>He thinks, perhaps subconsciously, that the internet is a moral no-man’s land. He rationalizes that what he does and says there won’t impact people, including himself, the same way it would in three dimensions. There’s no basis for this rationalization. It makes no sense, yet we all fool ourselves into thinking it, for one reason or another. Still, despite the lies we tell ourselves, a woman who discovers porn on her husband’s computer will feel just like a woman who finds out about her husband’s affair. And that feeling will only be made worse by the fact that her husband will claim it’s ‘no big deal,’ and much of society will echo those sentiments.<br><br>This says nothing of what porn does to us as men. It becomes an addiction just like any other. It lessens us. It pulls us away from our families, away from our wives. It makes us liars and hypocrites. I think any man’s porn compulsion comes wrapped in a thick layer of guilt, but that must especially be the case for men with daughters. It might be a cliche to say ‘that’s somebody’s daughter’ but she is somebody’s daughter, and that does mean something. I cringe particularly when I think of older fathers who look at porn involving women the same age as their own children. It’s perverse and disgusting. These men are not bad people, but they are doing a bad thing — a bad thing that, to make matters worse, has been dressed up as innocent and playful.<br><br>It’s definitely not an easy time to be a virtuous man. Everywhere we look there are words and images trying to grab our attention and send us into a spiral of lust and sexual greed. You really can’t even scroll down a Facebook newsfeed anymore without seeing blatant or borderline pornography. The entire world, it seems, is out to exploit our weaknesses. It’s easy to give in, but we have to fight it. We owe ourselves that much, and more importantly we owe our wives. Porn is adultery. Porn will wreck your marriage, guaranteed.<br><br><br><strong>3. Constant negativity (Mrs. Carmen)</strong><br><br>You hate your hair, the messes around the house, the neighbor across the street, your dumb co-worker, the old dishwasher, and everything in between. As soon as your husband walks through the door, you launch into action and dump every negative and angry thought that's crossed your mind throughout the day, with a to-do list to go with it.<br><br>Can you imagine having to carry that burden? Negativity is draining. Men like to fix things, and constantly being hounded with complaints makes it difficult for him to help solve your pains. With his pressures at work, family drama, and everything in between, home needs to be a place of peace and rest. <br><br>If there is one thing I've learned from marriage is that a good man wants you to be happy, and if he can't help you do that, he blames himself. It's okay to have a bad day once in a while, that's totally understandable, but don't make it a way of life.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. Laziness (Mr. Walsh)</strong><br><br>I’ve always said that men can be hugely benefited from spending a few years living on their own before getting married. On their own as in alone, not ‘on their own’ with their roommates on campus, or ‘on their own’ with their live-in girlfriends. On their own alone, paying all the bills, running all the errands, taking care of themselves and their affairs without any help from mommy and daddy. I did this for five years before I met my wife, and I still think it was one of the most valuable periods of my life.<br><br>With that said, there are some pitfalls. One of them, for me anyway, is that I got very good at living like a bachelor. I learned to streamline things. I learned the shortcuts. I learned to live in relative filth and disarray, because, hey, it’s just me and my imaginary friend here, and he doesn’t care about the mess. Eventually, like any self-respecting bachelor, I started using only paper plates and plastic utensils to avoid washing dishes. I would buy new packs of socks and underwear to avoid going to the laundromat. If something broke, I would just stop using it, problem solved. I got used to being lazy. And then I got married.<br><br>I try to fight off the lazy urge, but it’s been a struggle. I do ‘help around the house,’ but I’m probably illustrating the problem by writing that I ‘help around the house’ like I deserve credit for it. I’m as much responsible for the dirty dishes as my wife is, I’m just as capable of changing a diaper as she is, and there’s nothing written in the heavens saying that only she should vacuum the carpet. So I know that when I don’t do these things, I’m sending a message that I should be allowed to check out and enter into some kind of vegetative state while she continues working until the work is done.<br><br>Families take effort, so when I refuse to exert it, I am to some extent refusing to be a part of the family. It makes sense that our wives get upset about that attitude. It make sense that something as ‘small’ as not ‘helping around the house’ could ultimately destroy a marriage. It destroys it because we aren’t participating in it. We have no right to be lazy husbands. Family is work, marriage is work, life is work, and it’s our job to do it all without complaint.<br><br><br><strong>5. Putting everything else first (Mrs. Carmen)</strong><br><br>When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is taken for granted. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem?<br><br>Put your husband first.<br><br>Although it sometimes seems counter-intuitive and counterproductive, I think you'd be amazed to find that it's often the key to the greatest happiness in marriage. So many couples get divorced these days, because they neglect to care and love one another and put each other first. Remember, this must be reciprocated by both spouses.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If you choose to put each other first, you will find a lot of joy.<br><br><br><strong>6. Passiveness (Mr. Walsh)</strong><br><br>I guess all of these things are connected. The lazy man is likely a passive man, but not definitely. He could put plenty of effort toward doing chores and keeping everything in order, but be otherwise apathetic to the spiritual and emotional welfare of his family. I do believe, despite modern sentiments to the contrary, that men are called to be leaders in the home. We can’t sit back and allow things to just happen, leaving a leadership void that must be filled by our wives. Wives who, no matter how feminist or progressive they consider themselves, really do not want a man who won’t lead. No woman does.<br><br>I’m learning a lot about being a leader for my family. I’m learning about it the hard way, mostly. I guess when I was younger there might have been a time — despite the awesome example of true leadership that my own dad provided — when I thought of ‘the man leads’ as a sort of arrogant privilege. It’s tempting to see it that way, especially before we actually get married and have kids and feel the burden of carrying their physical and spiritual well being.<br><br>What I’ve come to understand is that leadership is a responsibility, not an entitlement. It’s something we are called to do with humility and love, as servants, not as emperors. I’ve learned why men are tempted to pass the buck on to their wives or even their children, and I’ve learned why that can be such a devastating choice. But I’ve also learned the joy of embracing that leadership role, however imperfectly, and accepting the vocation that all husbands and fathers are called to.<br><br>The truth is, I worry all the time about my family. I worry about keeping them fed, and housed, and comfortable; I worry about their salvation; I worry about their happiness; I worry about their safety. I worry that I’ll fail them, that I’ll disappoint them, that I’ll drop the ball at the most important moment. These anxieties can be suffocating and overwhelming, and I sometimes feel like I’m not cut out to be what I irreversibly am; like I’m not qualified to be the leader of anything, much less a family. But the good news is that I’m right: I’m not qualified. I don’t have what it takes. If I try to be dad and husband all on my own, I’ll falter. It’s fortunate, then, that I’m not doing this alone — God is here. He is the true leader, and in the end my only job is to point us in His direction.<br><br>So in my worries, I know that He is the Answer. And if I ever stop searching for Him amidst all of this, if I become passive and apathetic, I will have finally failed my wife, and our marriage will be in dire straits.<br><br><br><strong>7. Withholding sex (Mrs. Carmen)</strong><br><br>Men crave and need it with their wives. When you constantly decline this, it wears on them. It's not just a desire. It's in their biological and psychological wiring.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Sex should not be used as a tool to control your spouse; it should be viewed as a sacred tool to draw you closer to one another.<br><br>It is a great blessing to be wanted and needed by a loving, romantic husband who wants to share something so beautiful and important with you -- and you only. Even though you might not always be in the mood, it's worth it to give in (when you can) and spend that time bonding.<br><br><br><strong>8. Immaturity (Mr. Walsh)</strong><br><br>I’ve run afoul of the ‘gaming community’ on more than one occasion, so I hope this doesn’t get me in trouble with them again. But it must be said that our wives married grown ups (allegedly) and grown ups should moderate the amount of time they spend playing with toys. I’m not suggesting that we husbands should never play video games, although I myself rarely feel the urge. We all have hobbies and recreational activities we enjoy, and if video games are your thing, great. Godspeed. Go in peace.<br><br>But as opposed to other recreations like, say, jogging or reading books, it seems that some men tend to get lost in their games for hours and hours and hours on end every day. Video games are pretty unique in their capacity to take hold of men and swallow up a grotesque amount of time and energy.<br><br>There are many women out there — and I know this because I’ve heard from a number of them — who are absolutely miserable in their marriages because hubby comes home from work, turns on the Xbox or whatever people are playing these days, and enters into a video game cocoon for 7 or 8 hours, emerging only to eat dinner and then finally to sleep, just to start it all over again tomorrow. Maybe it’s a little limiting to completely chalk this up to immaturity, but immaturity undeniable has something to do with it.<br><br>A child’s life might be dominated by a desire to play with their toys and other frivolous pursuits, but as men we need to develop interests in deeper things. Our tastes should mature right along with the rest of us. Is it fair to our wives when we put her in a situation where her husband is just as obsessed with toys as her children are? Is she supposed to feel a great desire for a man who ignores her in favor of TV and Xbox? How is she supposed to relate to a man who hit 6th grade and has yet to graduate from it?<br><img src="https://track.flexlinkspro.com/i.ashx?foid=1096665.289124&fot=9999&foc=2&fos=1" class="size_orig justify_inline border_" height="0" style="opacity: 0;" width="0" /><br>There’s a strange thing happening in our culture today. We seem to have decided, in my generation particularly, to drag our childhood with us into adulthood. That’s why we’re just as adamant consumers of video games, comic books, cartoons, and superhero movies as we were in 1994. It’s not that we should reject these things outright, but with age ought to come a certain perspective, and that perspective ought to help us shove these things to one corner of our lives. Something to indulge in, if we want, from time to time as a means of escape, but not a lifestyle. Not an overpowering, overarching, overwhelming distraction that consumes us and turns us into shiftless, lethargic overgrown juveniles.<br><br>If you want proof of everything I’m saying here, pay attention to how some people react to it. Keep in mind, all I’ve done is suggest that mature men should not be so obsessed with toys, including video games, that it takes over their lives. This statement is so true and so self evident that it shouldn’t need to be said. But there are some men who take their video games so seriously, who are so enraptured with them, so wrapped up in the so called ‘culture,’ that any criticism of video games at all, whatsoever, will be met with rage and indignation. Again, this is how a child might react when you take his toys away. For a man to lash out in such a way is disturbing, to say the least. But it will happen because it always happens. In fact, criticizing video games might be among the most controversial things you can say anymore.<br><br>I make this point, and the points before it, not from a position of superiority, but as someone in the thick of it and fighting to be a better man. I know that I desperately need to be a better man, a better husband, a better father — this is the single most important goal in my life. As men, we have to help each other in that quest to improve ourselves. Helping each other starts here, with a bit of brutal honesty. I’m sure you found yourself somewhere on this list. I certainly did.<br><br>But we can do better. We owe it to the women we married.<br><br><br><strong>9. Not speaking his language (Mrs. Carmen)</strong><br><br>Women love to drop hints. (I think it's part of our DNA.) But men just don't get them. (I think that is a part of their DNA.)<br><br>Don't waste your time giving subtle hints that he won't understand: Speak plainly to him. Be honest about your feelings, and don't bottle things up until you burst. If he asks you what's wrong, don't respond with "nothing" and then expect him to read your mind and emotions. Be open about how you really feel.<br><br>Remember, effective communication is key in marriage.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This is a combination of two articles: <em><a contents="5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Husband and Killing Your Marriage" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://familyshare.com/20289/5-ways-you-are-unknowingly-destroying-your-husband-and-killing-your-marriage" target="_blank">5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Husband and Killing Your Marriage</a></em> by <a contents="Katelyn Carmen" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://familyshare.com/authors/katelyn-carmen" target="_blank">Katelyn Carmen</a> and <a contents="4 Things That Are Hurting Your Wife and Killing Your Marriage" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/4-things-that-are-hurting-your-wife-and-killing-your-marriage/" target="_blank"><em>4 Things That Are Hurting Your Wife and Killing Your Marriage</em></a> by <a contents="Matt Walsh" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.theblaze.com/author/matt-walsh/" target="_blank">Matt Walsh</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/44022082020-08-13T07:00:00-04:002022-04-05T18:25:11-04:0016 Signs You Married The Right Person<p><em>16 Telltale Signs You Really Did Marry the Perfect Person</em> by Jeff Haden. See details below.<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/754d300f865413caa808798cacda7819e947c34f/medium/16-signs-you-married-the-right-person.jpg?1475532520" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>At some point in every marriage the person you felt you couldn't live without becomes the person you actually do live with–and that's when you really find out if you married the right person. <br><br>By no means are the following the only aspects of a marriage that are important: physical attraction, intimacy, trust, a shared sense of humor...the list goes on and on.<br><br>But other qualities also definitely matter. And they're definitely signs that you married the right person, because the right person supports and helps you personally, professionally, and in helping to make your dreams come true. <br><br>(Since I'm a straight guy, I wrote this from my perspective–hence "she"–but none of the following is gender specific.) <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. When there's bad news, your spouse is the first person you want to tell...not the person you most dread telling.</strong> <br><br>When good things happen, plenty of people can't wait to tell their spouse. <br><br>But what about when something bad happens–and especially if that "something bad" is in some way your fault? That's a much harder conversation to have. <br><br>If you've married the right person, though, that is the first conversation you want to have: You know she'll listen, commiserate, empathize...and then help you find ways to make a bad situation better. <br><br><br><strong>2. Your spouse doesn't expect you to change overnight.</strong> <br><br>I often agree to do something way off in the future...only to want to back out when it gets close to the day. So invariably I'll say something like, "You know, I don't think I want to go [somewhere] after all...." <br><br>Instead of saying something that I already know, like, "You always do this. Just suck it up and go," or, "People are going to be disappointed if you don't go," my wife smiles and says, "I really hope you go. You'll have fun. You always learn things and meet cool people. And later, you're always glad when you do [that]. What can I do to help you get ready?" <br><br>She doesn't make me feel bad for wanting to back out. She knows that's how I am, and instead of criticizing me, she's supportive and helps me work through it. <br><br>The right person knows there are things about you that you want to change, but they don't expect them to change overnight. They're willing, for as long as it takes, to help you work through your quirks. <br><br><br><strong>3. Your spouse won't let you give up on yourself. </strong><br><br>Showing patience is an under-appreciated way to show genuine confidence in your spouse, because it shows that, no matter the current struggles or issues, you truly believe in him. <br><br>When I first changed careers, I really struggled. I worked impossible hours just to scratch out a semblance of the income I once generated. But every time I talked about giving up, my wife kept me centered by gently reminding me that all the work I was doing would pay off if I stayed the course. "I have all the faith in the world in you," she said. "I know that if you give it time, you will figure this out." <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I still work long hours, but the reward is much greater. And I've figured out how to have a lot of fun doing what I do. <br><br>No success is overnight. That's why, when your spouse is patient with you–while also encouraging you to work hard–you can sometimes achieve things you never imagined possible. <br><br>And speaking of success... <br><br><br><strong>4. Your spouse helps you be more successful. </strong><br><br>Researchers at Washington University in St. Louis found that people with relatively prudent and reliable partners tend to perform better at work, earning more promotions, making more money, and feeling more satisfied with their jobs. <br><br>That's true for men and women: "Partner conscientiousness" predicted future job satisfaction, income, and likelihood of promotion, even after factoring in the participants' level of conscientiousness. <br><br><br><strong>5. Your spouse doesn't talk about you; they talk about the cool things you do.</strong> <br><br>We all know people who openly badmouth their spouse: complaining about what their partner does (or doesn't do), criticizing their partner's decisions, questioning their partner's judgment, or work ethic, or manners, or...it's almost as if they wear their spouse's failings like a badge of honor. <br><br>When you love and respect the person you married, you don't gossip about their personal failings. You talk about their great qualities because you're happy for them...which is also a sign you're happy with yourself. <br><br>Or, more likely, you don't say anything at all, unless asked, because quiet pride is the best pride of all. <br><br><br><strong>6. Your spouse knows you well enough to have the ideas you should have had (and you love when they do).</strong> <br><br>A few years ago, I was in Nashville for Inc.'s GrowCo event. The day Mark Cuban appeared, one young man spent the entire day manning the green room door. I started to feel sorry for him; here he was at this cool conference and yet he was stuck in a chair guarding a door in a lonely hallway. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>So I stopped to talk. He was surprisingly happy about doing that job but mentioned that he would love to meet Mark Cuban. I didn't say so, but I knew that would never happen: Cuban's time was tightly scheduled, plus local and national media were angling for time. The constant crowd of people wanting something from him would make that impossible. <br><br>A little later I called my wife and mentioned that the volunteer hoped to meet Mark. She said, "You can make that happen. Why don't you try?" She was right. I could make that happen. So I did. <br><br>When you've married the wrong person, you both care more about who had the idea than the idea itself. The right person knows enough about your work, your goals, your dreams, and the kind of person you want to be to offer ideas you haven't considered. <br><br>And when they do, you never feel like they're telling you what to do or meddling in your business...you're just glad. You just appreciate that they care enough to want to help you. <br><br><br><strong>7. You feel your spouse listens more than they talk (and they feel the same way about you). </strong><br><br>The right person is a master of Social Jiujitsu, the ancient art of getting you to talk about yourself without you ever knowing it happened. <br><br>It's easy. They ask the right questions, staying open-ended and allowing room for description and introspection. Asking the right questions, and then listening closely, shows they respect your thoughts, your opinions...and, by extension, you. And you do the same for them. <br><br><br><strong>8. They care more about doing something with you than whatever you actually do.</strong> <br><br>If you don't know there's a difference, and you don't feel the same way about your spouse, then you didn't marry the right person. <br><br><br><strong>9. You only have to think about what you want to say, not how you need to say it.</strong><br><br>We all manage up, or sideways, or down, choosing our words carefully in order to frame an idea, or a suggestion, or feedback, or constructive criticism.... Oftentimes, in professional or personal settings, we feel we need to think more about how we want to say something than the essence of what we need to say. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you've married the right person, you don't think about how you want to say something. You just say it, partly because you know they will understand...but also because you trust that you can work through any initial misunderstandings. <br><br><br><strong>10. Your spouse cares a lot more about finding what's right than being right.</strong><br><br>Oftentimes, people in a relationship take a position and then proclaim, bluster, and totally disregard their partner's opinions or points of view. They know they're right, and they want (actually, they need) their spouse to know it, too. Those discussions are more about power than about making great decisions. <br><br>The right person doesn't mind being proven wrong. They feel finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right. And if they feel your point of view is better, they're secure enough to back down graciously...because ultimately they feel you're in it together. <br><br><br><strong>11. Your spouse never hesitates to ask you for help.</strong> <br><br>Asking for help instantly conveys respect. Without actually saying it, you've said, "You know more than I do." You've said, "You can do something I can't." You've said, "You have experience (or talents or something) that I don't have." <br><br>What you've said is, "I respect you." That level of regard is incredibly powerful and empowering. <br><br>More importantly, though, asking for help instantly conveys trust because it shows vulnerability. When you ask for help, you admit to a weakness. That means what you've really said is, "I trust you." <br><br>Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength, especially in your relationship. <br><br><br><strong>12. Your spouse not only forgives, they forget. </strong><br><br>When one person makes a mistake, especially a major mistake, it's easy for their partner to forever view them through the lens of that mistake. (Or to use that mistake as ammunition in disagreements or arguments.) <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>That's the easy thing to do. It's much harder to move past a mistake and put it behind. When you've married the right person, you see living proof that to forgive may be divine, but to forget can be even more divine. <br><br><br><strong>13. Your spouse helps turn your flaws into your strengths.</strong> <br><br>I have a need to be liked, probably to an unhealthy degree. In this business, that's not always a good thing, but my wife encouraged me to not only embrace what others might see as a failing but also to use it to my advantage. <br><br>For example, I don't like to write negative things about people, products, or companies. So I don't. I work hard to find people who are smart, talented, successful, insightful...and that way I never have to write anything negative. If I write about someone, that means I like and respect them. (In short, if I can't say anything good, I don't say anything.) <br><br>My wife doesn't expect me to be something I'm not. She just helps me be a better version of who I am. If that's what your partner does, you're with the right person. <br><br><br><strong>14. Your spouse is genuinely thrilled when you are successfu</strong>l. <br><br>Great business teams win because their most talented members are willing to sacrifice to make others happy. Great teams are made up of employees who help each other, know their roles, set aside personal goals, and value team success over everything else. <br><br>The same is true for great marriages. The right person doesn't resent your success, doesn't begrudge your success, doesn't need to claim a share of the spotlight...they're just genuinely happy that you are happy. <br><br>The right person believes, without thinking, that a portion of their happiness comes from seeing their spouse succeed. And that means they not only celebrate your success–they help you achieve it. <br><br><br><strong>15. Your spouse never makes you say something like, "I talked her into coming..."</strong> <br><br>My wife and I were standing beside Morgan Spurlock in the balcony at Webster Hall as we waited for Metallica to hit the stage. I made a little small talk. "Do you think they'll start late?" I asked him. <br><br>"Nope, they're real professionals," he said. "Why?" <br><br>Some people would have answered, "She's not really a Metallica fan, so I had to talk her into coming, and if they're late I'll feel worse." <br><br>I didn't need to say that. I didn't even think about saying that. My wife isn't a Metallica fan but she knew I really wanted to go, so she never made me feel like she was doing me a favor, or that I owed her, and she wouldn't have complained if the trip and the show hadn't turned out well. (They did, though. Both were awesome.) <br><br>The right person doesn't expect a pro quo for your quid. If they agree to go, or participate, or whatever...then they mean it, without reservation. The right person is truly giving–because truly giving people give without expectation of return. And speaking of giving... <br><br><br><strong>16. Your spouse praises you more than they praise anyone else</strong>. <br><br>It's easy to take people for granted, especially the people we see every day. But we all do things well and we all deserve praise and appreciation, even from someone we see every day. <br><br>The right person sees the good in you, over and over again. The right person is also consistently appreciative. <br><br>Not only does that make you feel good, it can help make you a better person...because sometimes consistent praise is the main reason we keep trying to get even better.<br><br>Read another popular post:<a contents="&nbsp;Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"> <em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article originally appeared as <a contents="16 Telltale Signs You Really Did Marry the Perfect Person" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/16-telltale-signs-you-really-did-marry-the-perfect-person.html?cid=sf01002&sr_share=facebook" target="_blank"><em>16 Telltale Signs You Really Did Marry the Perfect Person</em></a> by <a contents="Jeff Haden" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/author/jeff-haden" target="_blank">Jeff Haden</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br>---</p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37346252020-08-10T08:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:25:23-04:00Couples Who Fight, Love Each Other<p><em>Something To Fight About </em>by Lauren Martin. See info below.<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/8aa6e86060317edb3d1af0fa658210530b162604/medium/couples-who-fight-love-each-other.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br><strong>A message from James Russell Lingerfelt: We all have our definitions of "fighting." I'll never advocate partners screaming or throwing things. There's maturity in learning to have discussions, caring enough to voice our wants and needs, without raising our voices. And if some define that as fighting, so be it. Ms. Martin offers another perspective, and I invite us to take what we can use from her thoughts, whether or not we agree with every line she writes.</strong><br><br>---<br><br>If you love me, fight with me. If you love me, yell with me. Scream and shout with me to show me you care. But stand your ground. Become exhausted, annoyed and utterly fed up with me. Dance with me in this maddening tango of love and pain.<br><br>But show me that you’re willing to stick it out, even when you want to leave. Show me that you’re going to make an effort and fight through the pain and past the hurt. Because as crazy and ridiculous as it seems, fighting tells me something. You care.<br><br>According to Dr. John M. Gottman of the Gottman Institute, fighting isn’t a sign of a weak relationship, but a strong one… depending on how you’re fighting.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There are three basic styles, according to Gottman:<br><br>1. Those who want to sit down, compromise, and get back to being comfortable with each other<br><br>2. Those who want to be heard immediately and have the other person agree with them<br><br>3. Those who have no interest in dealing with problems<br><br>The first approach, while described rationally, doesn’t always include sitting down. It can encompass fits of rage. It does, however, usually end in compromise and peace.<br><br>As we’ve all learned from a good fight, while getting through it may be difficult and painful, the result always ends in a stronger relationship.<br><br>The second approach is just the sign of a partner who doesn’t want to work it out or even listen. This is someone who doesn’t deserve your time and isn’t fighting in a productive and beneficial way. This partner isn’t really interested in fighting.<br><br>The third is the deadliest approach to relationships: not fighting. To the outside observer, it would seem like the couple who never fights is the happiest. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s the couple who cares enough to fight — to not walk away, and to battle it out — who holds the stronger, more loving relationship.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s easy to walk away when things get tough, but it’s a sign of true love to be willing to withstand the pain and discomfort of working through a good fight.<br><br><br><strong>1. Fighting means you care</strong><br><br>Fighting means you care enough to deal with the hurt and anger, rather than just walk away. It means actively pursuing a solution, a breakthrough that will make you stronger.<br><br>No two people are going to agree on everything, and fighting just means you’ve hit a point in your journey together that needs special attention and communication.<br><br>Relationship therapist Dana Ward explains, “Fighting is normal. While some couples may think fighting is the sign of a bad relationship, it is actually is very important. The key is fighting with a purpose.”<br><br>It’s the whole idea of “fight or flight.” The way species adapt and evolve is based on the psychological reactions that occur when a threat is perceived. You either stand your ground or flee the situation. Either way, you’re making a decision, one that questions whether the threat is worth attacking or running.<br><br>The couples most in love are willing to push aside those subconscious (and conscious) desires to flee, in favor of sticking it out and fighting for one another.<br><br><br><strong>2. Fighting means keeping each other healthy… and sane</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Gautama Buddha once wisely cautioned, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”<br><br>According to findings published in “Psychosomatic Medicine,” Buddha’s logic wasn’t just profound, but also scientifically sound.<br><br>Based on a 10-year study of 4,000 men and women in Framingham, Massachusetts, women, specifically, who hold onto anger or unresolved feelings during a fight are four times more at risk of dying than women who can express themselves.<br><br>CNN published the findings of another study by Ernest Harburg, Ph.D., of the University of Michigan. The study followed 192 married couples from 1971 to 1988 and found that those who harbored their anger during a fight or when unjustly attacked did not live as long or as healthy as the couples who fought and resolved their issues fairly.<br><br>The stress you feel from holding on to anger is real. The health risks of that stress are also very real. If you love your partner, care about your partner’s health and want to see him or her happy, then fight for your relationship.<br><br><br><strong>3. Fighting means being honest</strong><br><br>Only during a good fight can you let go of your inhibitions and understand how you and your partner really feel.<br><br>According to Pamela Paul, author of “The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony,” compatibility of personality traits, such as beliefs and core values, comes out during a good fight. It’s when you’re heated, not holding back or restraining yourself, that you finally let the other person see how you really think and feel.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>These outbursts of truth can only come from a good, heated discussion. Without these fights, people would be getting married and having children without knowing the true feelings and innermost desires of their partners.<br><br>In order to face the important and pressing issues that can destroy a marriage, a couple has to be completely honest and open with themselves and the values they hold most important. If these values aren’t tested until a fight occurs, then there’s no way to know what’s really worth fighting for.<br><br><br><strong>4. Fighting means better sex</strong><br><br>Was it the fight before the sex, or the sex before the fight?<br><br>We’re not sure which came first, but we’ve all experienced the make-up sex that comes after a good fight. Tensions are high; blood is boiling, and there’s no better way to break the tension than with a good ol’ fashioned wrestling match.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>While we haven’t yet found much evidence to prove this theory, there isn’t much disproving it. We’re not suggesting you go home and pick a fight tonight; we are saying that if you are going to fight, just look at the make-up sex as the consolation prize.<br><br>Maybe now it won’t be such a big deal who wins.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Something To Fight About: Couples Who Fight The Most, Love Each Other Most&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/couples-fight-love-more/723139" target="_blank"><em>Something To Fight About: Couples Who Fight The Most, Love Each Other Most </em></a>by <a contents="Lauren Martin" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/profile/lauren-martin-1912749" target="_blank">Lauren Martin</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br>---<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/36687122020-08-09T15:15:00-04:002022-04-05T18:25:36-04:006 Reasons The Hook-Up Culture Is Getting Us Nowhere<p><em>How Accepting The Hook-Up Culture Is Getting 20-Somethings Nowhere</em> by Erica Gordon. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><br><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/116d6f0394a0b04bbf66a7a611bec2ca7e168f35/medium/6-reasons-the-hook-up-culture-is-getting-us-nowhere.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />A note from James Russell Lingerfelt:</strong> If men would ask out women they already know and trust, a lot of the drama Ms. Gordon addresses in this article would become obsolete. One of the mistakes I see men make is pursuing a woman they know little to nothing about.<br><br>They don't know or trust the woman, and that leads to the men acting insecurely. I strongly agree with the conclusions of John Van Epp in that physical intimacy with another person you wish to pursue for a longterm relationship shouldn't occur before knowing, trusting, relying, and (lastly) committing to that person. <br><br>---<br><br>To say that our generation is inadequate when it comes to romantic relationships would be the understatement of the year.<br><br>Instead of relationships, it’s non-relationships that we’re condoning. Participating in today’s hook-up culture is easy and fun, but is it getting our generation anywhere? What are we gaining?<br><br>The real question is, what are we missing out on? The series of hookups and non-relationships leave us feeling unfulfilled; yet, barely anyone seems willing to do anything about it.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. The Non-Date and the Non-Breakup now exists</strong><br><br>What thwarts me the most about the hook-up culture is the excessively nonchalant attitudes we all seem to deal with when it comes to someone we’re interested in.<br><br>Many people believe that playing it cool or not caring is considered attractive, but it’s actually quite discouraging.<br><br>A man I recently met (let’s call him Dan), who I shared a mutual attraction with, would of course send me text messages that read something like, “Hey, maybe we can meet up for a bit at some point this weekend?”<br><br>It’s the “maybe” and the “at some point” that gets to me. The epidemic of passive man is upon us. Let’s use Dan’s text message as an example: An underlying fear of coming across as too eager or being rejected is likely the cause behind this ambiguity.<br><br>I guess it’s no longer the norm to have even a hint of old-fashioned flavor to your courtship. These days, instead of being presented with a cute plan and a fun date idea for a specific day of the week, women are getting proposals of non-dates and casual hangouts.<br><br>A suggestion to consider would be to simply ignore texts that present nonchalant plans and proposals of non-dates, and suggest that he come up with an actual date idea.<br><br>It doesn’t matter if he figures out where he’s going wrong or not; the point is that you’re still making a difference by not participating or enabling, and by having a backbone.<br><br>Any man who sends me a text along the lines of, “Hey, Erica, would you like to go out for dinner on Friday night?” gets an automatic 10,000 points, especially if he asks at least a few days in advance.<br><br>More men should be asking women out with definitive plans in mind, instead of asking if they’d like to “maybe” hang out “sometime soon.”<br><br>You, however, have some control over the matter by being confident enough to not participate in the hook-up culture he is trying to set up here. Walk away from the hook-up arrangement, and you might walk into the arms of Mr. or Mrs. Right.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. Traditional Dating is Dying Out and We're In a Reformation</strong><br><br>This generation needs to start dating again. I talk to women all the time who are losing hope that they’ll ever find a man who is actually willing to delete his Tinder account and just be with one awesome woman.<br><br>What these women need to realize is that traditional dating is dying, but it’s not dead yet. There are still men out there who do have the guts to take a risk or make a sacrifice for a special someone.<br><br>The hook-up culture is appealing in part because it is so low-risk. Keeping things casual ensures that you face much less rejection than you would if you were attempting to take it to the next level.<br><br>The casual nature of the hook-up culture and the non-relationship also guarantees that there won’t be that tearful breakup if things don’t work out.<br><br>Sometimes a friends-with-benefits relationship will continue for ages, partially because one or both parties is concerned that if it is taken further, there could potentially be a breakup followed by losing that person for good. It seems easier to keep things as they are.<br><br>Everyone seems to have a lot of options (especially if they are using online dating apps like Plenty of Fish or Tinder), and many have a fear of missing out on those options if they commit to one person.<br><br>To these people, I suggest taking a chance and giving up your other options. No risk, no reward, right?<br><br>We should also be willing to risk feeling that embarrassment and awkwardness you’re dealt when you lay your feelings on the line and you’re rejected.<br><br>Remember: No pain, no gain, and what you can gain is a real relationship with true intimacy, and the sense of happiness and fulfillment that comes with it. These tremendous gains will be worth the wager you took to get there.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. A communication breakdown</strong><br><br>It’s fair to state that humans are complicated beings with complicated thoughts. Unfortunately, today’s communication formats don’t allow complicated thoughts to present themselves appropriately.<br><br>Since all we’re doing is texting each other all the time, we’re used to communicating in a brief, simple and casual way. We need to bring back the phone call.<br><br>For communicating in between get-togethers, a phone conversation allows for thoughts and words to flow more effectively. Conversations don’t flow the same way via text, and it’s harder to truly get to know each other and for relationships to blossom.<br><br>One of the biggest benefits of properly communicating is that you’re getting rid of that awful feeling of uncertainty you have when you’re not sure where you stand with someone you like.<br><br>Unfortunately, we are often unsuccessful at the open type of communication. We have been conditioned to play games and play it cool instead of being open and honest.<br><br>We think that showing we care or verbalizing how we genuinely feel can lead to losing the person we’re interested in.<br><br>Whoever cares less wins… or so we think.*<br><br><br><strong>3. Plenty of Options and Plenty of Hookups, But Still Lonely</strong><br><br>It’s rare for a woman of our generation to meet a man who treats her like a priority instead of an option. Some of the loneliest, most unhappy people I know, have a ton of options and have no problem finding someone to spend the night with.<br><br>However, they’re lonely because they don’t have anyone they let themselves care enough about to develop a true connection with.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Even the sex feels empty. The only real way to have amazing sex is to have it with someone you share true intimacy and feel totally at ease with. Is there any real intimacy in the hook-up culture?<br><br>How much are you even enjoying these hookups?<br><br><br><strong>4. Hooking Up Ultimately Leads to Heartbreak</strong><br><br>Many women tend to think the guy they’re hooking up with might fall for them. This is something they secretly hope will happen, and they convince themselves that a series of hookups with the same guy will ultimately lead to him wanting something more.<br><br>This lingering hope causes women to reluctantly participate in the hook-up culture, in hopes that he will wake up one day and realize it’s been her the whole time.<br><br>It’s a common enough problem that I’ve seen several women crushed when this dream dies.<br><br><br><strong>6. A Post-Dating World is new territory</strong><br>There was a time when being in a relationship seemed easier to accomplish. Perhaps this was during a time when online dating was less prevalent and people had less options getting in the way of commitment.<br><br>This was a time when more people gave it their all, and actually openly communicated their feelings with each other. Now we think we might like to be exclusive with someone we think is special, but we don’t dare say it out loud.<br><br>You can be a willing participant in the hook-up culture, but what happens when one day you decide you want to be in a relationship?<br><br>To the men out there: It’s worth sacrificing other options for a special lady, and please bring back the traditional date. You will score major brownie points with women.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>As for the women out there: Let’s drop the delusion that a series of hookups will hook a boyfriend, and instead hold off on sex until a commitment has been made.<br><br>Let’s find fulfillment by taking some risks, harboring self-discipline and laying our hearts on the line the good, old-fashioned way. You’ll be a better person for it, and maybe even grow up a little along the way.<br><br>Read another popular post:<span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">This article first appeared as<a contents=" How Accepting The Hook-Up Culture Is Getting 20-Somethings Nowhere" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/hookup-culture-non-relationship-generation-getting-nowhere/664654" target="_blank"><em> How Accepting The Hook-Up Culture Is Getting 20-Somethings Nowhere</em></a> by <a contents="Erica Gordon" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elitedaily.com/profile/erica-gordon-1908787" target="_blank">Erica Gordon</a>. See below for details.</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31985672020-08-09T15:15:00-04:002022-04-05T18:26:11-04:00The Truth About The Jerk You’re Dating<p><em>The Truth About The Jerk You’re Dating </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/849c033e6a709c955b857e390c0284c6330bf775/medium/the-truth-about-the-jerk-youre-dating.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Hey sis,<br><br>I’ve been thinking about our talk last week regarding Tom. I don’t want to sound too judgmental… but I think you might be with a jerk.<br><br><br><strong>1. When girls date jerks, it’s because they mistake it for confidence. </strong><br><br>At least, that’s been my observation. A woman knows better, but that’s only because she has had experience with jerks. I don’t want to see you get hurt because of bad experiences. I’d rather you hear it from me instead, and guard yourself.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s not easy to stay away from guys like Tom, especially when they’re good looking and they come from a seemingly established family both financially and mentally (let’s not overlook the mentally, please).<br><br><br><strong>2. If you’re desire is to change him, you’re already messing up.</strong> <br><br>You can’t change him. A change in our inner being is a personal choice. You know that by examining your own life, don’t you? Besides, why would you want to change him? Why can’t you love him the way he is? <br><br>If you don’t like the way he is, if you can’t love him for who he is now, then you’re not a good fit for each other. <br><br><br><strong>3. “Am I good enough?” is the wrong question.</strong><br><br>And, if we’re honest, there are times when we ask, “Is he or she good enough for me?” But no one is or isn’t good enough for the other. We’re all human. The question we should be asking is, “Are we a good fit?”<br><br>When we ask, “Am I good enough?” and we believe that answer is no, then we become susceptible to compromising our character and morals… and we go back to him or her. <br><br><br><strong>4. Are you going back for validation?</strong> <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You don’t need his validation. I think you’re awesome. Mom and Dad does too. If the people closest to you think you’re awesome, then you’re awesome. Right?<br><br><br><strong>5. We all can be great at manipulation.</strong><br><br>Through interpersonal relationships we all know how to say and arrange circumstances to help us get what we want.<br><br>Therefore, if he’s not that into you, but says and does certain things to bring you back, only to use you to satisfy his wants and needs without being in a committed relationship, then he’s not interested in a committed, self-sacrificing relationship. <br><br><br><strong>6. Your feelings for him will wane, but his character will remain.</strong><br><br>You may like the way you feel when you’re with him. We all have those feelings when we’re with people we’re attracted to. But that doesn’t mean we should date and marry them. <br><br><br><strong>7. Those “in love” feelings is just serotonin firing in the brain.</strong> <br><br>Therefore, we literally have a chemical imbalance and think and reason through those chemicals. That’s why you hear a lot of people say, “Love is blind.” During those times, our perceptions of reality are skewed. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s always the infatuation stage they’re speaking of. People who have been married a few years don’t have that problem anymore. And many married people become filled with infinite regret due to making decisions based on “feelings” (due to the serotonin imbalance), rather than seeking a compatible partner. <br><br>Did you know that this symptom of serotonin flooding the brain is what causes Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? That’s why when we’re “in love” or “infatuated” we can act just flat out crazy and controlling. <br><br><strong>8. We need help from trusted friends and family.</strong><br><br>They can offer us an objective view when we’re choosing who to date and marry. Since the person we marry will help direct our path for the rest of our lives, and we marry a person we date, deciding who to date isn’t a decision we should take lightly.<br><br><br><strong>9. Everyone we meet places their best face forward.</strong> <br><br>So even though you might think you know him, how you perceive him and how he is can be very different.<br><br>The best way we can get to know someone is to spend a couple years listening to their words and observing them in a variety of circumstances. Especially in the company of their family. Two years sounds like a long time. But being married to someone for forty years makes two years seem miniscule. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Girls have told me their boyfriend didn’t become verbally abusive until around the two to three year mark. Wow. <br><br>Be wise. Be cautious. Be safe.<br><br><strong>10. There’s 6 billion people in the world. You’ll find someone, so be patient.</strong><br><br>There’s not just one potential partner for you, so don’t get hung up on this guy. Besides, if you’re honest with yourself, you don’t truly know him very well anyway. Be patient. Your time will come. <br><br><br><strong>11. You don’t need a man to make you happy.</strong> <br><br>You’re responsible for that feeling yourself. But to find a man to compliment you, who will be a good husband and father; a protector, provider, someone who will be open and honest and affectionate with you… finding a good fit who can offer you that life will not be found overnight.<br><br>The best things you want for your life will require a battle. And that battle is manifested differently for each of us.<br><br><strong>In closing:</strong><br><br>I hope this hasn’t discouraged you. If so, that wasn’t my attention. I just want you to be aware. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled. Spend enough time with him to get to know his heart and character. <br><br>It’s the sober way.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Love you kid.<br>-James<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31450192020-08-07T08:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:26:17-04:003 Reasons To Remember Your Heartbreaks – Not Forget Them<p><em>3 Reasons To Remember Your Heartbreaks - Not Forget Them </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/40850a4e00fa21c1bbaebe39b3f9c02767ada19f/medium/3-reasons-to-remember-your-heartbreaks-not-forget-them.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>You encountered your first taste of love, you journeyed through the valley, and you survived. You were able to pick yourself up, dust off, and give another love another chance.<br><br>If the first time around was physical attraction or infatuation, you learned your lesson. Now you want a life partner: Someone who will live and love life beside you, who will be there for you and you for them. Here’s 3 reasons why remembering your past heartbreaks will help your life.<br><br><br><strong>1. You won’t be fooled as easily.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You have a greater insight into reading people’s character. You witnessed their behavior in various circumstances, you heard their confessions to you and others, and you observed how they treated others in their life they loved most.<br><br>Glitter doesn’t impress you anymore. Good character and a best fit do. You know that, now.<br><br><br><strong>2. You’re more powerful and mature than ever before.</strong><br><br>To decide to love again, to live a life of selflessness toward another, this requires a lot of maturity.<br><br>You know more of what’s required to invest in and build a healthy relationship, and you’re aware of the risks. Therefore, you’re filled with a more sober confidence.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. You’re a fuller version of yourself.</strong><br><br>You’re more fully aware of who you are, your wants, your needs, and your goals in life. <br><br>Being transparent and vulnerable with others gives us insight into our own souls. We realize the levels of self-sacrifice we’re capable of, and also our boundaries. <br><br><br><strong>In Closing:</strong><br><br>Heartbreaks are always terrible experiences, and falling in love is always like falling in love for the first time (because it’s the same chemicals firing in the brain). You might can handle heartbreak better than before, but it doesn’t change what you feel.<br><br>But those experiences teach us a lot about ourselves; how we think, act, how we tick. So let’s not leave those experiences or ourselves unexamined. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Some people make the same mistakes over and over again because they don’t take the time to examine themselves or their former experiences in order to learn from them. <br><br>Let’s not forget or ignore the past, for it’s our guide. But let’s not dwell there, either. A brighter present and future awaits us.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31042862020-08-06T08:50:00-04:002022-04-05T18:26:35-04:006 Steps to Forgiving People <p><em>6 Steps to Forgiving People </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>Shakespeare wrote that the two bitterest enemies are two who once loved each other. Here’s how to find healing through forgiving.<br> <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/d99f593fc51ca43bd0439e18a45b427cc6e74cc3/medium/6-steps-to-forgiving-people.jpg?1507678227" class="size_m justify_center border_" /> <br><strong>1. Recognize the problem isn’t him or her. It’s us.</strong><br> <br>It’s never someone “out there.” It’s in here.<br> <br>Hatred is the only time in life where we create a prison, lock ourselves in, hold onto the key, and believe the guilty are somehow being punished.<br> <br>There’s only a handful of people in my history who I genuinely loathed. And it was because of the way I was treated. Years later, when I confronted them separately, they barely remembered it. One of them couldn’t recall the event at all.<br> <br>We tend to believe that by despising someone, our attitude somehow makes them suffer. But they’re living their own lives, unaffected by our inner struggle.<br> <br> <br><strong>2. Recognize that we choose to be the victim in our story… or the hero.</strong><br> <br>The hero is the protagonist in every story. The person we root for. The person we aspire to be.<br> <br>The victim is the whiner, the one where, “the world revolves around me.” He or she allows other characters in the story to control him or her.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I don’t want my happiness or role in life to be dependent on the wavering emotions, words, and decisions of others who I can’t control.<br> <br>We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We’ve been taken advantage of, fooled, and we were victims for a short period of time. But we can’t keep playing the victim if we want to be happy.<br> <br>Life is more rewarding and exciting when we leave our victimhood status behind and become the protagonist of our life story.<br> <br><br><strong>3. Recognize that we too have often needed forgiveness from others.</strong><br> <br>I need forgiveness every day. I don’t have the world figured out and never will. I’ve said and done things when my emotions flared, looked back in hindsight, and wanted to crawl in a hole to hide.<br> <br>“Dear Mouth, why can’t you just stay shut?” I ask.<br> <br>Did you know when we’re emotional, the emotional side of our brain actually heats and “out shouts” the logical side? Fun biological fact. That’s why when people are emotional, their behavior can be shocking.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Fights, killings, saying words they don’t mean, “over – reacting” to put it lightly.<br> <br>We all yearn for forgiveness and desire it from loved ones - even from strangers.<br> <br> <br><strong>4. Recognize that hate is often a pendulum swing from our love.</strong><br> <br>In my personal experience, the people who hurt me… I genuinely cared about them.<br> <br>I’ve found that the more I was hurt, I had in equal measure loved and invested into their lives.<br> <br>When people are hurting, they need a comforter – not a commentator. But once we heal and the sun shines again, what if we choose to be thankful for having met them, known them, and for the lessons those encounters taught us?<br><br>They made us wiser and more thankful for the people in our lives who love us through all circumstances.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We are never thankful for the pain. But we are often thankful for the lessons we learned from the pain.<br> <br> <br><strong>5. Recognize that we should never apologize for loving someone.</strong><br> <br>When I love, I become more of a lover. When I hate, I become more of a hater. If they can’t handle my love, that’s their problem – not mine. I’m not going to turn into a hater. I want to be known as someone others know they can love, confide in, spend time with… and feel safe, wanted, and glad to be in my presence.<br> <br> <br><strong>6. Know that living a beautiful life after all that happened is the best revenge.</strong><br> <br>Let’s be careful here. If our attitude is at a healed, healthy, balanced state, we won’t care about revenge or if they approve of us. We’ll be too busy living out our happy life.<br> <br>But if you need motivation to make that first step toward forgiveness, think on number 6 as you take your initial steps toward forgiveness.<br> <br> <br><strong>In Closing:</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Cognitive psychology teaches that when our minds dwell on the negative in life, we become a negative minded people toward all we encounter.<br><br>This affects our mood, and that will affect our bodies. If we want to love life and be glad to be alive, we must do this one thing: Alter how we choose to respond to what we encounter.<br> <br>My friend Burt has a PhD in Clinical Psychology. He said that since each of us interact with the world through our own individual point of view, or “point of reference,” it is impossible for us to separate fantasy from reality.<br><br>Doesn’t that explain why we often say about others, “What in the world was he or she thinking?” and “What planet do they live on?” We believe the story we tell ourselves.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Don’t underestimate the power of the human mind. Our mind directs all we think, say, and do. Let’s take care of it.<br> <br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; outline: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31335782020-08-05T13:30:00-04:002022-04-05T18:27:23-04:005 Signs You’re Ready to Date Again<p><em>5 Signs You're Ready to Date Again </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br><br>You are the only person who will know when you’re ready to pursue another romantic relationship. But here’s 5 insights to help you along.<br> <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/d143dbf868b042228557f89dcdcd5a00f9e6abce/medium/5-signs-youre-ready-to-date-again.jpg?1446121419" class="size_m justify_center border_" /> <br><strong>1. You’re ready to be completely and utterly unselfish.</strong><br> <br>The worse question we can ask in relationships is, “What’s in it for me?”<br> <br>Until you’re ready to place another person’s desires and needs above your own, stay single. There’s still some things you need to take care of in your life before you take on the responsibility of caring for another.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Any relationship requires giving and receiving, of course, but if both spouses strove for this mentality, the relationship will be healthy. <br> <br> <br><strong>2. You’re no longer afraid to be open and honest about your needs and wants.</strong><br> <br>Do you have the courage to express your needs and desires to a potential partner?<br> <br>When we’re kids, we hope our girlfriend or boyfriend will just figure it out. When they do, without being told, they’re portrayed as heroes. But that’s naïve. No one is psychic. A mature adult understands the necessity of effective and open communication.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br> <strong>3. You know what you want in life.</strong><br> <br>You don’t have it all figured out and you don’t have to. But you do need an idea of where you want your life and/or career to go.<br> <br>When we know what we want, we’re better at planning and expressing our visions, desires, and needs to our partner.<br> <br> <br><strong>4. You love yourself.</strong><br> <br>You’re satisfied with who you are. You know and love yourself and you’re comfortable being with yourself.<br> <br>Actually, you’d be fine being single for the rest of your life. You know you have your family and friends.<br> <br>You cannot be the strong person you’re partner needs until you’re satisfied with who you are, first.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>A relationship writer named James Michael Sama said, “<em>Single</em> is simply a word to describe someone who is strong enough to live their life by themselves until the right person comes along to share it with.” He hit the nail on the head.<br> <br> <br><strong>5. Your past ex is history.</strong><br> <br>You truly wish your ex a happy life… and would say no to them if he or she tried to come back.<br> <br>How unfair would it be to date and eventually marry someone while your heart is still open to another? It’s possible that person from your past could return, asking for another chance. If you’re committed to another, how strong will you be?<br> <br> <br><strong>In Closing,</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you commit to the right person, you’ll know there’s no one else who can compete with his or her place in your life.<br> <br>You’ve spent enough time together, you know him or her, you know their families well, and the future looks bright.<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post: </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">___</span></p>
<p><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">,<a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Instagram</em></a>, or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31568902020-08-04T13:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:27:33-04:009 Questions To Ask Before Committing To A Relationship<p><em>9 Questions To Ask Before Committing To A Relationship </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/7a1ef7048aef8446d8d0a92bf9f9f5e6a5ce15e8/medium/9-questions-to-ask-before-committing-to-a-relationship.jpg?1463521202" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Most people don't think to ask questions like these below, since it's often not popular to be logical in pop-culture. Instead, there's too many messages in the world to "go with what you feel" or "with what your heart tells you." If reason and logic is thrown out, disaster's probably fast approaching.<br><br>Here's some questions to help us along.<br><br> <br><strong>1. How well do I know him/her? </strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Don’t trust someone until you know them. Oh! How we miss this one. A lot.<br> <br>“But our friends introduced us.” It doesn’t matter. Anyone can wear masks. The best way to know someone is:<br><br>1) Spend time with them while they’re with their family. 2) Listen to the words they say to you. 3) Observe them in a variety of circumstances.<br> <br>Not watching them interact with their family is one of the worse mistakes we’ve made in our post 1920s western dating culture.<br><br>For some reason, “Meet the parents” has become the last step before planning the engagement.<br> <br>Bad idea.<br> <br>What kind of family does he/she come from? That was their foundation and upbringing until they left home. No matter how far we travel, those development years left a huge impression on who we are, and who we’re likely to resort back to when we’re older.<br> <br> <br><strong>2. Can I trust them with my secrets?</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If they share your private conversations with others, walk away or have a serious discussion about that issue. If you don’t take care of it now, you’ll only resent them later.<br> <br> <br><strong>3. Are we comfortable together in the quiet?</strong><br><br>If they can’t enjoy the silence with you, that’s actually evidence that there’s a lot going on inside them and they need noise for distraction. Spend more time getting to know them before you decide to commit.<br> <br> <br><strong>4. Do I know how this person will change me?</strong><br><br>“We become like the community we’re a part of” and “We are a product of our environment” are popular quotes for a reason. Be selective with who you surround yourself with – who you allow to influence you.<br> <br>Remember too, that you will marry a person you date. So ask this question early.<br> <br> <br><strong>5. Am I attracted to their heart and character?</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s easy to be attracted to the physical or who the person portrays him or herself to be. But what do they do during their free time? What are their values and beliefs? Our worldview is our center and directs all our decisions.<br> <br> <br><strong>6. Does he/she appreciate me for who I am right now?</strong><br><br>If they’re trying to change you, they’re not ready for a relationship. Plain and simple. The most mature, loving people I’ve ever encountered loved me for just who I was. The only time they called me out is when they knew I was knowingly or unknowingly about to hurt myself or others, and they were protecting me.<br> <br>They might challenge you, which is a very good thing. But that is very different than someone trying to change you. Beware not to confuse these two.<br> <br> <br><strong>7. How does he/she already treat people they love most?</strong><br><br>I don’t mean during holidays or time spent after long periods apart. But everyday. This will require spending a lot of time together with their families. If that’s impossible, don’t forget that this side of them, who they truly are, is a side you haven’t been exposed to yet.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I’ve met plenty of people who told me that their partners or spouses completely changed when they were back in the comforts and security of their families.<br> <br> <br><strong>8. Does he/she strive to place my desires and needs first?</strong><br><br>I understand the importance of giving and receiving. But if the person you’re with has the attitude of, “My desires are above yours,” they’re not ready for a relationship. They still have some growing up to do.<br> <br>I’ve met plenty of people who believe the world revolves around them, rather than embracing the simple truth that we are all part of a universe.<br> <br>We are a part of the human community within a universe. That universe nor its members are here to grant us our dreams and wishes. Until we realize this, we will live very selfishly and never understand what it will take to nurture and grow healthy relationships.<br> <br>Clear warning signs: Temper tantrums, outbursts of anger, control issues, and their believing you should read their minds to know their wants and desires without having to communicate them to you.<br> <br> <br><strong>9. Are their hopes and dreams for the future compatible with mine?</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Do they want a partnership where both are working in the corporate world or a traditional role where one partner stays home? Do they know if they want to live in the city, the countryside, or the suburb?<br> <br>Though it’s important to remind ourselves that our desires and interests change as we grow older, it’s still important to discuss these issues. They might not want to live near their parents now, but wait until his/her parents age and find it difficult to take care of themselves. Suddenly, the situation has changed.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31900362020-08-03T20:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:27:42-04:007 Virtues We Can Strive For With Our Partners<p><em>7 Virtues We Can Strive For With Our Partners</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>After you have found someone who is a good fit for you, these are characteristics we can all strive for, together.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/9645b2632fe567f90754d90e321dcfb07fd9b862/medium/7-virtues-we-can-strive-for-with-our-partners.png?1410906451" class="size_m justify_center border_" />1. Try to be kind... even to our enemies.<br><br>Anyone can be nice to people who are nice in return. Anyone can be nice to strangers, waiters, and their own family members… but to their enemies? <br><br>At some point, you and your partner will be each other’s enemy. No relationship is butterflies, rainbows, and a consistent life of frolicking in the meadows.<br><br>When we learn to be kind to our enemies, we’ll in turn learn to be kind to our partner during any situation.<br><br><br>2. Learning value in servant leadership.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Striving to meet each other’s wants and needs doesn’t make us a doormat, because we’re choosing to serve each other.<br><br>No one is forcing us. And we understand relationships are all about giving and receiving. It takes humility to give. But it also takes humility to receive and just say, “thank you.”<br><br><br>3. Make gossip boring.<br><br>Be too busy pursuing your own goals and dreams with your partner to worry about the affairs of others. Love for each other and striving toward goals and dreams help establish security so that we will not want to put others down. We will have risen above that.<br><br>You and your partner have traveled your own roads with your own life experiences that others can’t possibly understand. And you know that’s true with others. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>4. Help loved ones solve their problems without criticizing.<br><br>If you see a problem in a loved one’s life, you ask if you can help in any way, without criticizing and correcting.<br><br>Life has taught you that each of us are hard enough on ourselves. We don’t need the people we love most to knock us down, too. <br><br>Make home a safe haven. The ultimate support group. <br><br><br>5. Learn not to panic when the boat’s rocked.<br><br>You will eventually realize your heart might pick up in pace, but you aren’t freaking out anymore. <br><br>We have learned what the majors and minors are – what a big deal is, what a big deal isn’t. Besides, most drama is cured with an “I’m sorry,” some time away from each other, or just sleep.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>6. Think before you act in anger.<br><br>When our emotions flare, we can’t think and reason objectively. <br><br>In the human brain, when the emotional side heats up, it overpowers and outshouts the logical side. That’s why people can engage in the craziest behavior when they’re emotional… and are filled with infinite regret after they calm down.<br><br>When the emotions heat up, let’s step away until we can think clearly. <br><br><br>7. Consult your elders.<br><br>Before you make major life decisions, you and your partner know to meet with older men and women in your lives whom you trust, to seek direction. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You understand that the more advisors you have in your lives, the wiser and more successful you’ll become.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, </em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31693572020-07-31T05:55:00-04:002022-04-05T18:27:58-04:005 Signs You Should Date Him or Her<p><em>5 Signs You Should Date Him or Her </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt </p>
<p>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/9e14ae6a593557c676cd842d1b3158ab0bb62bd5/medium/5-signs-you-should-date-him-or-her.jpg?1507300630" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br><strong>1. Trusted family and friends introduced you.</strong> <br><br>Most everyone wears their best face when they first meet people. But here, your trusted friends and family know the person well and can vouch for their character. <br><br>Before the 1920s in most parts of the world, we had grown up with the people we ended up marrying. Our grandparents knew each other. Our parents knew each other. <br><br>We knew exactly who they were before we dated or courted. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Though that’s not the world we live in now, knowing the person's history and where they came from is key in helping prevent us from future disasters. <br><br><br><strong>2. They’re honest.</strong> <br><br>They say what they mean and mean what they say. And when you ask them a question, they’ll tell you. <br><br>This quality, along with selflessness, is what creates and solidifies a secure foundation in relationships. <br><br><br><strong>3. They’re reliable. </strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you ask for something, they will strive to provide it for you. If they aren’t able to provide, you know they gave it their all, because you’ve grown to know them well. <br><br>They are committed to you during the hard times. Only you will know what qualifies as hard times. <br>But if they hang in there with you through the worst, takes notes, because a lot of people won’t. <br><br><br><strong>4. They’re patient.</strong> <br><br>They understand plans may change and hiccups arise. <br><br>They recognize they are part of a global community, a universe, and that the universe doesn’t revolve around their wishes or ideology. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>5. They apologize when they know they’re wrong. </strong><br><br>Some don't. But the partner we’re looking for will not only apologize but strive to repair the problem. If they’re flippant and unwilling to apologize, take note. <br><br>One of the best pieces of advice my brother ever gave me was, “Don’t allow them three strikes. When there’s one strike, and you’ll know what a strike is when you see it, you need to end the romantic side of the relationship.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, or subscribe to his <a contents="newsletter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">newsletter</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30893802020-07-27T09:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:34:00-04:0010 Ways to Get Over Your Ex <p><em>10 Ways to Get Over Your Ex </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/84cab140cd9b8818e635129f30850828c54dc9ea/medium/10-ways-to-get-over-your-ex.jpg?1507241358" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Each of these paths might not suit every single person, but I believe most of them will help.<br><br><br><strong>1. Understand the importance in finding a mentor</strong><br><br>You can call him or her a confidant, counselor, mentor, etc. When emotions are involved, it’s difficult to think objectively. We’re all amateurs and fools in love. <br><br>Being able to converse and receive words of truth from older, wiser, more experienced people in your life… they can guide you and keep you from making some tragic mistakes. <br><br><br><strong>2. Know your ex wasn’t perfect</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We tend to dwell on the good times with our ex while ignoring the bad. There were warning signs along the way, but we chose to defend or justify them. <br><br>You were willing to love, be vulnerable, and self-sacrificial. That’s beautiful, so don’t scorn yourself for loving. But they were human, just like everyone else – don’t miss that. <br><br><br><strong>3. Know your ex wasn’t your only chance at love</strong><br><br>Some believe only one person in the world exists for them. That’s not true. <br><br>Love is a decision, an action, which can be performed toward any person at any time. Hope is never lost for anyone open and willing to express it and receive it.<br><br><br><strong>4. Know this isn’t about you not being good enough for your ex</strong><br><br>The question isn’t, “Was I good enough for him or was she good enough for me?” The correct question is, “Is this person a good fit for me? Are we compatible?” <br><br>Asking these questions helps us make wiser decisions regarding relationships, and also helps turn us away from self-accusations, self-judgment, and self-condemnation.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>5. Be willing to confront the person in order to gain closure, but do it maturely</strong><br><br>If people know they can express their thoughts without retaliation, judgment, rebuttal, or counter aggression, they’re more likely to speak honestly and freely. <br><br>But it might be wise to exchange letters instead of meeting in person. <br><br>Letters can be edited before being sent, you can wait a few days before sending it, and writing guards us from possibly breaking into an unintended emotional outburst… which we’d only regret later. <br><br><br><strong>6. At some point, cut off all contact</strong><br><br>We don’t want to see that person with someone new too soon, nor play with false hopes of getting back together. <br><br>So, depending on the level of hurt, throwing away their phone number, unsubscribing or blocking them on social media, stashing away or trashing old pictures, it might be necessary. <br><br>Even if you wish to salvage the friendship later, right now you need time apart.<br><br><br><strong>7. Exercise</strong> <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Yoga, running, swimming, weight lifting, working in the garden, going for walks, it all releases endorphins into the brain, which reduces mental pain, and builds confidence. <br><br>Nothing helps soothe the heart and vent fumes more than exercise. <br><br>Anger will find an outlet – no doubt. We can vent through exercise, or we can scream and snap at innocent people who don’t deserve to be mistreated. <br><br><br><strong>8. Surround yourself with people who genuinely love you</strong><br><br>Friends and family are awesome. But we shouldn’t unload onto them. Save that for your mentor. <br><br>This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t confide in our loved ones. Communicating what’s taking place in our lives is a good thing. But we can’t dwell there or else we might push them away. <br><br><br><strong>9. Launch out on adventures and begin fulfilling your dreams</strong><br><br>When we’re with a significant other, it’s a give and take partnership. But now that you’re single… what would you like to set out to accomplish? <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Write down your list of goals and dreams and put dates on the calendar to accomplish them.<br><br><br><strong>10. Don’t leap into another romantic relationship yet</strong><br><br>When we love and know ourselves, we’re comfortable alone and are no longer dependent on others for feelings of security.<br><br>Some believe reinvesting immediately into another romantic relationship aids the healing process. Maybe so. But we’ll probably only hurt someone in the process, just as we were hurt. <br><br>Perhaps they’ll believe we really liked or loved them, but all along, we’re just using them to fill our own emptiness.<br><br>We miss affection, the outings, the relationship, being and looking nice for someone. But let’s not place our desires above the vulnerable hearts and needs of others. We’re better than that.<br><br><br><strong>In closing:</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We’ll know when we’re ready to invest into another romantic relationship when we’re at peace and the sun is shining again. The night is always darkest and coldest just before dawn breaks. But the sun will shine again. It just takes time. <br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Instagram</em></a>, </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30645682020-07-25T15:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:33:56-04:005 Signs It’s Time to Move On... From That Person<p><em>5 Signs It’s Time to Move On... From That Person </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/065217c77866ed32a710f9c0a6ffb961f6b34f56/medium/5-signs-it-s-time-to-move-on-from-that-person.jpg?1507121663" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>When we’re in love, it's difficult to look at our relationship objectively. We tend to dwell on the beauties of the relationship and make excuses for our loved one when he or she behaves badly. Here's 5 signs it's time to move on.<br><br><br><strong>1. Are they trying to change you?</strong> <br><br>If so, they don’t love who you are right now. You’re not "good enough."<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You have family and friends in your life who believe you’re freaking awesome. Listen to them rather than people who don’t truly know you. <br><br><br><strong>2. Do they treat you badly but say they love you?</strong><br><br>What are their actions over long periods of time? My grandfather taught me, “Don’t pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what they do.” <br><br>In my experience, people say a lot depending on their views or emotions at that given time and place. If they say they love you but don’t like spending time with you unless you’re doing them favors… they don't value you as much as the loved ones you already have in your life.<br><br><br><strong>3. Do you place effort in trying to make them love you more?</strong> <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You feel like you’re the only one trying in the relationship. What happened to meeting each other in the middle? <br><br>When my dad and brother married, they said loving and marrying their wives was a very natural progression. They never had to perform for her or try to talk her into anything. The love and respect with their women was mutual and it blossomed naturally.<br><br>If you’re forcing everything or if you give and give, and they take and take... aren't there other people already in your life who deeply love you? Can you make better use of your time and energy investing into their lives?</p>
<p><br><strong>4. Do they value your charm and physical beauty more than your character? </strong></p>
<p>Our charm comes in spurts and our physical beauty fades. At the end of the day, are they able to get enough of you? Are you able to get enough of them? That helps us discern “attraction to image” versus “attraction to person.” </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>5. Is he or she aloof? </strong></p>
<p>If they’re always looking for someone they think could be a better fit, or if they don’t want to be seen in public with you... that's a clear sign to get out.<br>You can find a better fit for yourself than someone who treats you bad.<br><br><br><strong>In Closing:</strong><br><br>When I stopped asking myself, "Am I good enough for her?" or "Is she good enough for me?" and I instead began asking, "Are we a good fit?" my behavior toward relationships of all kinds changed drastically - and for the better.<br><br>I was in love once and only once, but things didn’t work out with her. Now my attitude is, “Until that comes again, I’ll stay in love with my family, my friends, my goals, and my life passions.” Adopting this attitude has resulted in my life being much, much richer.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/48736182020-07-23T06:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:34:22-04:006 Ways to Navigate Social Media Boundaries in a Relationship<p><em>How to Navigate Social Media Boundaries in a Relationship</em> by Vanessa Marin. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/c8f6dde3dcad024a65a05c20de51013b3201afe1/medium/6-ways-to-navigate-social-media-boundaries-in-a-relationship.jpg?1506963287" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>As a s_x therapist, I never imagined I’d spend so much time talking about Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat. <br><br>But a number of my sessions are filled with stories about the ways that social media interferes with my clients’ relationships: things like snooping in a Facebook account, and then agonizing over what to do with suspicious, but not completely incriminating, activity; or ending a new and promising relationship because the person followed their exes on Instagram. <br><br>Jordan Gray, a s_x and dating coach, sees these kinds of challenges in his work too. <br><br>“It’s so tricky because it is completely uncharted territory,” he said. “Social media accounts have never had this level of market saturation at any other point in human history. That’s inevitably going to bring up some new challenges for people.” <br><br>In a 2014 Pew Research Center survey, 45 percent of millennial respondents said their social media accounts had had a “major impact” on their relationships. <br><br>Most of us are uncomfortable talking about these types of interactions because we worry that social media is too frivolous to argue over, but it is important to recognize that social media brings up real feelings, and those feelings do matter.<br><br>Still, navigating social media boundaries doesn’t have to be the colossal struggle we sometimes turn it into. <br><br><br><strong>1. Prioritize Quality Time Without Social Media</strong> <br><br>The most common social media-related fight I hear from clients is how much time their partners spend on Facebook or Instagram. I hear story after story of couples planning a romantic date night that turns into nothing but chatter about Instagram likes, Twitter favorites and Snapchat views. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The behavior even extends into the bedroom: Clients have told me stories of discreet mid-coitus phone check-ins. <br><br>“A cigarette and embrace after s_x has quickly been replaced with a scroll through social media,” said Gillian McCallum, chief executive of Drawing Down the Moon Matchmaking, a British dating website. “Men and women are guilty of reaching for their phone and basking in the glow of their screen rather than the afterglow of lovemaking.” <br><br>You should always make your partner feel more important to you than your phone, so dedicate at least 20 minutes a day to spending screen-free time together. (Scrolling through Facebook while watching television won’t cut it.)<br><br>Of course, more social media-free time is better, if you can swing it. You may like having all your meals be phone-free (or at least having those phones on silent or in airplane mode). Or try turning off notifications when you’re together. <br><br><br><strong>2. Check In Before You Post</strong> <br><br>Always prioritize your living, breathing, human partner. This is especially important when it comes to sharing details, photos of the two of you or details of your lives or dates together. Often in relationships, one person is more private than the other, a difference that can lead to fights. <br><br>Laurie Davis Edwards, founder of the dating site eFlirt, said that honest conversations about your social-media boundaries early on in a relationship can prevent surprises later. Ask your partner what he does and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing on social media.<br><br>This is especially important around major milestones, like when you become “official,” when you get engaged, when you get pregnant and so on. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>One easy rule to follow: Ask your partner before sharing anything related to your relationship. Simple questions like, “Are you O.K. with my posting this picture of us on our date night?” can go a long way toward heading off arguments. When there isn’t agreement, Mr. Gray said to err “on the side of the partner who is more private.” <br><br>If you find yourself stuck in oversharing mode, Ms. McCallum offered a great reminder. “The volume of photographs of your relationship that you post on Facebook is not indicative of the success or warmth within that relationship,” she said.<br><br>“Even in this period of heightened social media use, very solid, strong, happy couples quite often choose to not lay their relationships bare on Facebook.” <br><br><br><strong>3. If You Wouldn’t Do It in Person ...</strong> <br><br>In the real world, the boundaries we should abide by when we are in a relationship are obvious. But social media can blur those lines, which might lead people to do or say things online that they wouldn’t in real life.<br><br>Commenting “niccccce” on your ex’s latest bathing suit photo on Instagram may seem more innocuous than saying it to her face, but it might not come across that way. <br><br>Use real-world boundaries as your digital guide. Imagine that your social media behavior is happening in person, with your partner standing right beside you. Would you make that comment or send that message with your partner watching? If you wouldn’t do it in the real world, don’t do it online. <br><br><br><strong>4. Don’t Snoop</strong> <br><br>Social media also makes it easier to check on your partner’s behavior. You don’t have to don a trench coat, fake mustache and sunglasses to track your partner across town anymore.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You can just grab his phone when he is in the shower. And there’s a lot to find too; for some reason, most of us think our online activity is private, but it’s shockingly easy to find a treasure trove of information. <br><br>Some people insist on trading phone passcodes before getting into a committed relationship, or refuse to date someone who won’t share their passwords as “proof” of their fidelity.<br><br>It’s easy to feel entitled to see your significant other’s emails, texts and direct messages, assuming that you should be able to if they have nothing to hide. As tempting as it may be, snooping is never a good idea, in the real world or online. <br><br>“If you feel the need to snoop on your partner’s online behavior then there’s a bigger conversation that you need to have about your lack of trust in the relationship, or your feelings of internal security in general,” Mr. Gray said.<br><br>If the need to follow your partner’s every move is just too great, there is likely something else at work that, once resolved, will help more than giving in to the urge to snoop. <br><br>You might consider simply not following each other on social media at all. I have two friends who are a couple. The guy’s social media platform of choice is Twitter; his girlfriend prefers Instagram. They purposefully don’t follow each other.<br><br>They trust each other not to do anything inappropriate, and they like not feeling like they’re “checking up” on each other. It’s a good reminder that your social media lives don’t have to converge the same way your real lives do. A little distance is always healthy, in the real world and online. <br><br><br><strong>5. Give Your Partner the Benefit of the Doubt</strong> <br><br>Even if you innocently stumble across suspicious-seeming activity, try to remember that tone and intent are much harder to gauge online. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Most of us are quick to jump to conclusions with a limited amount of information. This is “what I call storytelling syndrome: When you draw conclusions to decipher what’s happening without first-hand knowledge,” Ms. Edwards said.<br><br>“Storytelling syndrome usually escalates and before you know it, you’re convinced they are cheating on you all because of a comment on someone’s post.” <br><br>Ask your partner about their intent before making assumptions. For example: “Hey, I saw you’re now friends on Facebook with that girl you told me you hooked up with before we met. How did that happen?”<br> </p>
<p><strong>6. Address Discomfort Quickly</strong> <br><br>Even with the best intentions, you and your partner are probably going to hurt each other with some of your online behaviors. It’s best to address these episodes quickly and on a case-by-case basis. Address them directly before a pattern develops, or before bad feelings have a chance to fester. <br><br>Mr. Gray suggested first taking the time to figure out why you’re upset, rather than focusing on the behavior. What is the underlying issue? Our emotions can give us a lot of information if we let them. <br><br>Then talk to your partner, focusing on the why, rather than the specific action. Let your partner know what the real issue is and what you need from them.<br><br>For example, you might say, “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I feel uncomfortable seeing that you still have romantic pictures of you and your ex on your Facebook account. It made me worried that you’re not fully over him. Do you think you could delete them?” <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Yes, it’s frustrating to acknowledge the profound impact that social media can have on us and our relationships. But remember, even Snapchat can open up some meaningful conversations between partners.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="How to Navigate Social Media Boundaries in a Relationship" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/29/smarter-living/navigating-social-media-relationships.html?_r=1&utm_content=buffer36a39&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer" target="_blank"><em>How to Navigate Social Media Boundaries in a Relationship</em></a> by <a contents="Vanessa Marin" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://vmtherapy.com/" target="_blank">Vanessa Marin</a>. Click on her name to follow her on social media!<br><br>---</p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Instagram</em></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>Twitter</em></a> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30428562020-07-19T13:05:00-04:002022-06-04T11:47:39-04:00What Marriage is Really Like: One Woman’s Perspective<p><em>I Never Thought My Marriage Would Look Like This</em> by Natalie Thomas. See below for details.<br><br>—<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/c721853f9277f6963feb9c5d666dd67676335fe7/medium/what-marriage-is-really-like-one-woman-s-perspective.jpg?1444592729" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>“You will HATE him!”<br><br>Years ago, I attended the wedding of one of my closest friends. Another friend, now living out of state, already married with a 6-month-old, was telling us how exasperated she was with her husband. She warned the rest of us, responsibility-free, about what our future entailed.</p>
<p>I thought her statement was harsh. And that she needed anger management or couples counseling. I actually feared for her marriage — and her husband.</p>
<p>Fast-forward five years and I completely understand. She wasn’t unstable or angry; she was married with a kid.</p>
<p>My mom and sister tried, albeit in a nicer way, to prepare me too. But, like every person in the throes of young love, I thought he was different, we were different.</p>
<p>The only thing different was the stage we were in compared to others. You can’t tell a high on life honeymooner that their vacation will one day end. That it isn’t all Mai Tais and massages.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>That life, a full life, with a significant other is an intoxicating, thrilling, ever-turning ride, yes, but one that you often want to get off, stop the spinning, lie down on the cold tile floor, grab the barf bag and dump it on his head.</p>
<p>And just when you think you’re about to pull the emergency brake, that you can’t take one more minute, suddenly you’re soaring, hands raised, heart aflutter.</p>
<p>Or when you think you can’t love him more, be happier or luckier, the bottom drops out. After all that’s what love is, living life to the brink, eyes welled with tears, head filled with fears, heart about to burst, never feeling more scared, vulnerable or alive. <br><br>It’s a cycle and if we see it through long enough, white-knuckle through the bad, it’ll always come back around to the good. At least that’s what I tell myself.</p>
<p>My personal relationship roller coaster has gone somewhat like this…</p>
<p>Initial spark. Want to know everything about him. Can’t stop thinking about him. Planning our lives together in my head after our first meeting.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Bad first date. Over him. Pick apart everything about him. What was I even thinking?</p>
<p>A year passes. I think about him from time to time. Replay everything in my head. See him again. That spark. Best second, first date ever. Back to swooning. He’s everything.</p>
<p>He’s moving back to Texas. Over him. List of reasons in my head why it never would have worked. Break him down. Move on.</p>
<p>A year later. Our friends’ wedding. Mexico. That spark. Margaritas. Infinity pools overlooking the Cortez. More margaritas. Game over.</p>
<p>He moves back from Texas to New York. We move in together, can’t get enough of each other. Obsessed. Inseparable. Until we fight about his old, ugly dresser and too many throw pillows, placing our independence on inanimate objects.</p>
<p>Once we get past the pillows, it’s like playing house. Forbidden and fun.</p>
<p>We become engaged. Euphoria.</p>
<p>We start wedding planning. Hell.</p>
<p>We contemplate calling off the wedding, breaking up.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Honeymoon. Heaven.</p>
<p>Other people’s weddings. Peace.</p>
<p>First couple years of marriage without kids. Bliss. All the fun, none of the pressure. Riding high on a child-free zone. Selfish, insane fun.</p>
<p>Making the baby. So bonded. So in love. Reliving our honeymoon. Relaxed. Stress-free. Sun-tanned. Wine-filled.</p>
<p>Pregnant. Bonded by the WTF moment. Thrilled about the future. Each doctor appointment and ultrasound, we grow a little closer.</p>
<p>Hormones. I could kill him for doing this TO ME. The mere smell of him repulses me. What he eats, how he chews, the fact that he’s losing weight, getting sleep, seemingly totally unaffected by what’s happening to me and what used to be my body.</p>
<p>Health scare. Attached at the hip.</p>
<p>Date night. He drinks a bottle of wine. Consumes copious amounts of sushi. A variety of off-limit meats and cheeses. And I’m pissed.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Go time. I cling to him like Saran-Wrap. Stage 5 has nothing on me.</p>
<p>He sleeps (the last we’ll get in months, maybe years) while I’m itching. I hate him once more.</p>
<p>Baby! We’re in awe and eternally grateful. The three of us are a force, a family. It’s us against the world. I wouldn’t want anyone else in our trifecta in TriBeCa.</p>
<p>Breastfeeding class. They tell me he can’t stay for a 45 minute seminar just down the hall from our room and I have a mental breakdown.</p>
<p>Home. We spend two blissful, horrible, beautiful, sleep-deprived and love-filled weeks together.</p>
<p>He goes back to work. Doom’s Day. I don’t know how I will function without him.</p>
<p>But I do. With each day, every week, I get stronger, more confident, knowledgeable and bonded to my babe. I’ve got this motherhood thing. Who needs the father? All he does is get in the way, interrupt our rhythm, make a mess.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Thursday comes, I’m losing steam. By Friday, I’m cooked. I can’t wait for the weekend for him to be home, get some help, for us to be a family.</p>
<p>By Sunday night, I’m ready for him to go back.</p>
<p>And the coaster continues.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br>This article originally appeared as <a contents="I Never Thought My Marriage Would Look Like This" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natalie-thomas/i-never-thought-my-marriage-would-look-like-this_b_5405070.html" target="_blank"><em>I Never Thought My Marriage Would Look Like This</em></a> by <a contents="Natalie Thomas" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/natalie-thomas" target="_blank">Natalie Thomas</a>. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375542020-07-16T07:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:34:47-04:0011 Differences Between Dating A Boy vs A Man<p><em>11 Differences Between Dating A Boy vs A Man</em> by Amy Chan, with additional commentary by James Russell Lingerfelt. See below for details.</p>
<p>—<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/99772d075ad733be1fe6cb44ad6d438b8c324b70/medium/11-differences-between-dating-a-boy-vs-a-man.jpg?1403728749" class="size_m justify_center border_" />When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player.<br><br>I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents.<br><br>Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.<br><br>Games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was, ridden with insecurity, and a low sense of self-worth.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.<br><br>I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage.<br><br>Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up.<br><br>I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.<br><br>A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up.<br><br>You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply.<br><br>If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.<br><br>1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.<br><br>2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.<br><br>James Russell Lingerfelt: Many mature men still don’t know what they want. But a mature man takes responsibility for that (here, let’s define maturity as the ability to express love – and love as the ability to sacrifice unselfishly). He does what he must to provide for himself and his family. He might not have himself or his life figured out, but he knows he must be mature if he chooses to be a provider and the kind of leader others can depend on. Becoming mature is a choice, not a by-product.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.<br><br>4. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.<br><br>James Russell Lingerfelt: A mature man is seeking a partner who will be an appropriate and compatible life-long partner. Will she be a good wife for me and a good mother to our children? Will she be a person of love? The question is not, “Am I good enough for her?” or “Is she good enough for me?” Rather, the question should be, “Will we love each other and are we a good fit?” He understands that they’ll “be in this together,” for the rest of their lives. He better be ready to put her desires and needs above his own. And vice-versa. This is what’s required from both partners if a marriage is to be healthy and successful. When we couples decide to get married only because we see it as the next step after a period of dating or because “we’re in love,” I believe we’re setting ourselves up for problems.<br><br>5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings.<br><br>Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>6. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.<br><br>James Russell Lingerfelt: A mature man understands the importance of honesty, openness, and clear communication. This is the only way both partners can find satisfaction in a relationship. A boy isn’t ready for such a relationship. He’s still playing. Does this mean he’s a bad person? No. It’s just that he’s still a kid. He’s still learning. <br><br>7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is still getting drunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.<br><br>James Russell Lingerfelt: A mature man has the experience to understand that a rhythm of work and play is necessary. Work hard but we need to take some days away to “sharpen the axe.” No one who loves the work they do, and sees their own financial success, enjoys taking time off. But it’s necessary to stay balanced. As for the boy, he’ll be more interested in punching the clock and looking forward to the weekend. Long-term planning isn’t a top priority. <br><br>8. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>9. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.<br><br>10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.<br><br>Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:<br><br>11. A boy plays mind games. A man doesn’t.<br><br>James Russell Lingerfelt: As I’ve grown older, some things have proven true to me over and over through observations and experience. If you want a man to become mature, he must be given responsibilities and he must learn to love. This requires life experience, but most importantly, it takes the boy willing to decide to become mature.<br><br>Lastly, a lot of boys can be quite successful though they did not have a strong father figure to teach them how to be a man. They relied on their mother. Therefore, many will seek a strong woman to be a mother figure and continue to take care of them. They do not try to avoid being a man or strong leader – they are just not aware of what being a leader, pursuer, planner is like. <br><br><a contents="Read another popular post:&nbsp;Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Read another popular post: <em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br><em>This article first appeared as <a contents="11 Differences Between Dating A Boy vs A Man" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://justmytype.ca/11-differences-between-dating-a-boy-vs-a-man/" target="_blank">11 Differences Between Dating A Boy vs A Man</a></em> by <a contents="Amy Chan" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://justmytype.ca/" target="_blank">Amy Chan</a>. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a></em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375582020-07-15T06:30:00-04:002022-04-05T18:35:29-04:007 Reasons You’re Afraid of a Relationship<p><em>7 Reasons You Think Relationships S_ck</em> by James Michael Sama. See details below.</p>
<p>—<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/e0da5acbf47069834800f2da3c0fd1f88e96cc7a/medium/7-reasons-you-re-afraid-of-a-relationship.jpg?1403732356" class="size_m justify_center border_none" alt="" />Here are some myths being perpetuated in our society that stem from a fundamental misunderstanding of what a relationship really is.<br><br>Unfortunately, people may have had these experiences more than once, and begin to generalize as well as begin to express their opinions as overall fact.</p>
<p><br><strong>1. You think everybody cheats.</strong></p>
<p>This one is pretty basic. Kind of like “Why relationships suck 101.” Men cheat, women cheat, or maybe you cheat, and you can only assume that everyone else acts the way that you do.<br><br>Maybe this has even happened to you more than once.</p>
<p>The truth is…hear me out here…not everybody cheats. There are people out there who possess the self control to understand that a loving, healthy relationship will bring more satisfaction than a temporary physical act.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Typically, we call these people “mature, respectable adults” and if you only commit yourself to one of them, you may have a more positive experience.</p>
<p><br><strong>2. You see your friends unhappy.</strong></p>
<p>Maybe you’re single but your friends are in relationships. Maybe they don’t make the best choices when it comes to partners, and they are, overall, unsatisfied. It’s only natural that this will affect your perception of what is normal for our generation, but you are not them, and their circumstances aren’t your circumstances.</p>
<p>If we just take the time to listen, observe, and learn from other peoples’ experiences, we can make better decisions when it comes to our own. You do not have to be a victim of circumstance, you can create your own.</p>
<p><br><strong>3. You think you’ll be held back in life.</strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>You do not have to choose success or a relationship, all you need is to find someone who will support and encourage you along your journey. People, in general, can be lazy and unmotivated.<br><br>They fall into routines and their happiness or self-motivation dwindles and this negativity can be contagious, especially in a relationship.</p>
<p>It’s difficult to plan a future with someone who doesn’t have any plans for their own future. This is what makes it so important to really get to know someone as well as their hopes, dreams, and ambitions, before you commit to them.</p>
<p>The right person will be your support system, and never discourage you.</p>
<p><br><strong>4. You think you’ll have to give up your friends.</strong></p>
<p>Why is it that so many people feel as though if you’ve got a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you can no longer communicate with members of the opposite sex? This, to me, is a serious trust issue and is a red flag right off the bat.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When it is understood that you are two individual people with two individual lives that existed before you knew each other, it makes life much easier.</p>
<p>When you’re happy with someone, wouldn’t you rather introduce them to everyone and become part of each others’ lives, rather than cutting everyone else out?</p>
<p><br><strong>5. You’ve had multiple relationships with the same person.</strong></p>
<p>Have you ever seen a fly that keeps flying into a glass door when there is an open window on another wall, but they never seem to notice it? They just continue to fly into that closed window and when you’re watching, it’s obvious they’ll never get through.<br><br>You just want to redirect them over to the open window – this is how some people treat relationships.</p>
<p>If you continue to go back to the same person over and over and over again, you are the fly trying to get out of the door. It’s only natural that you’ll think that every other door or window will be closed too, but sometimes, you’ve got to stop and look around the room.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>6. You’ve been fishing in the same pond.</strong></p>
<p>Perhaps worse than catching the same fish only to throw them back and catch them again, is to continue catching multiple different fish of the same kind.</p>
<p>Many of us tend to stay in the same circles. We often go to the same places on the weekends or fall into a routine that limits how many new people we meet.<br><br>Similar to the fly in the previous example, this is a situation of how we represent the world to ourselves. We find only what we choose to focus on, and much will be illuminated if we step outside of our comfort zone and surround ourselves with different types of people.</p>
<p><br><strong>7. You think all relationships end anyway, so why bother?</strong></p>
<p>There are two sides to this coin. First, yes – most relationships do end. But, not all of them. Am I saying that you’ll be one of the lucky ones who ends up in a Notebook-esque marriage with a white picket fence, a dog, and 2.5 kids? Of course not.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But, to prevent yourself from having a positive experience before it even begins will do more harm than good.</p>
<p>Secondly, why bother? For the same reason I’ve mentioned in previous articles. Sure, relationships end, but so do movies. So do books. So do nice dinners. But we still give our time, effort, and money to experience these things, because it’s the experiences along the way that make life beautiful.</p>
<p>Why bother? Because each person who enters our lives helps us grow into the person we will become.</p>
<p>What do all of these points have in common? The inherent negativity does not come from the fact that you were in a relationship, but from the person who you were with.</p>
<p>We have all had bad (learning) experiences along the way, but it’s important that we don’t let them contaminate our future.</p>
<p>The next person you bump into when walking around the corner has a completely different genetic makeup, experiential background, family upbringing, and outlook on life than the last person you broke up with.</p>
<p>The question we each have to ask ourselves when meeting someone new is: Am I going to let this person take the blame for the actions of someone they’ve never met, or am I going to explore the entire new world of experiences that they can show me?</p>
<p>The answer is up to you.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <em><a contents="7 Reasons You Think Relationships Suck" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2014/03/20/7-reasons-you-think-relationships-suck/" target="_blank">7 Reasons You Think Relationships S_ck</a></em> by <a contents="James Michael Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/" target="_blank">James Michael Sama</a>. Click on James' name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375612020-07-12T13:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:35:40-04:003 Things I Wish I Knew Before Marriage<p><em>3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married</em> by Tyler Ward. See below for details.</p>
<p>—<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/5fe480e3a25569a40422041d625521323451712c/medium/3-things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage.jpg?1403733628" class="size_m justify_center border_none" alt="" /></p>
<p>I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.<br><br>Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.</p>
<p>This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal space for the rest of my life.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none of which I would trade for the world.</p>
<p>However, I wish I had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all.</p>
<p>According to most research, more than 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. I’d be willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of unawareness.<br><br>Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad ideology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage.</p>
<p>Although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight.</p>
<p>The following are three thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.<br><br><br><strong>1. Marriage is not about living happily ever after.</strong></p>
<p>Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.</p>
<p>I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for more.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she’s looking for me to validate the way that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well deserves as a wife.</p>
<p>Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.</p>
<p>I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness.<br><br>In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight.</p>
<p>Marriage is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow. When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience of life.<br><br><br><strong>2. The more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.</strong></p>
<p>Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid the low ones.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes something like this: If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.</p>
<p>When we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.</p>
<p>It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years.</p>
<p>However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy a test drive couldn’t hurt.</p>
<p>For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale, including career productivity and general quality of life.</p>
<p>To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.</p>
<p>Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to my work.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>She no longer saw our relationship and my career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.</p>
<p>Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.<br><br><br><strong>3. Marriage can change the world.</strong></p>
<p>John Medina, the author of <cite>Brain Rules</cite> and a biologist, is often approached by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father?”</p>
<p>Medina’s answer alludes to a surprising truth.</p>
<p>In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my 16-month-old son’s behavior.</p>
<p>What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time, my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my marriage.</p>
<p>Re-enter John Medina, the biologist. After years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”?</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>“Go home and love your wife.”</p>
<p>Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of <cite>Babywise</cite>, say it this way: “A healthy marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a child in their development process.”<br><br>They go on to sum up their years of research by saying, “In the end, great marriages produce great parents.”</p>
<p>The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us.<br><br>But, concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.</p>
<p>So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/3-things-i-wish-i-knew-we-got-married" target="_blank"><em>3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married</em></a> by <a contents="Tyler Ward" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.tylerwardis.com/" target="_blank">Tyler Ward</a>. See below for details.<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375802020-07-10T08:50:00-04:002022-04-05T18:35:50-04:005 Lessons Men Need To Learn About Women<p><em>5 Lessons Men Need to Learn About Women</em> by James Michael Sama. See details below.</p>
<p>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2a5b9eab2c310bfd9560c07c5e17d722971ddef1/medium/5-lessons-men-need-to-learn-about-women.jpg?1438657154" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Sure, we have all met some women who seem to be more complicated than Chinese algebra. Even the famous Oscar Wilde remarked: Women are meant to be loved, not understood.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>But, I do think that as men, we over-complicate women because we expect them to be just like us.<br><br>It’s natural for anyone to project their own qualities onto others and become confused when they don’t fit the mold, but once we step outside of ourselves and see people as they are, and not as we are, our vision becomes clearer.</p>
<p><br><strong>1. It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how she feels.</strong></p>
<p>A woman’s honesty to herself is unparalleled, because her self-esteem is rooted where it should be, in herself.<br><br>You can call her beautiful or sexy or gorgeous every single day, but if she doesn’t feel it, it won’t get through to her.</p>
<p>You need to make her feel all of these things, and more. In fact, what you don’t say usually matters more than what you do say. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>2. You work on logic, she works on emotion.</strong></p>
<p>This is not to say that women are illogical or don’t use logic in every day situations – often their thoughts and ideas are better articulated than their male counterparts. The point I’m trying to make here is that a woman’s emotions will influence her actions more than a man’s would for him.</p>
<p>As men, society teaches us to keep our feelings hidden, so we don’t acknowledge them as much, and therefore don’t act on them as women do.</p>
<p>It has always been seen as a negative for a man to be in touch with his ‘feminine side,’ but when people say this, they’re typically referring to someone who is more in touch with his own emotions. Women will naturally gravitate closer to men like this, because they feel they will be better understood.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>(Hint: Women, this also means if you want your man to know how you feel about something, you need to tell him. He may not be able to read it on his own).</p>
<p><br><strong>3. Women don’t compartmentalize.</strong></p>
<p>Meaning, if a man has a bad day at work, he can come home, give his woman a kiss, pour himself a drink, and (usually) unwind – blocking out the stress until the next day (assuming his work doesn’t come home with him).</p>
<p>If a woman has a bad day, it will affect her mood, and her interactions. This is exactly the time when men need to shut up and not tell her to ‘get over it’ or that it’s ‘not a big deal’ because these things stay fresh in her mind. Be understanding, be comforting, and she will feel better.</p>
<p><br><strong>4. What women want isn’t that complicated.</strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>It’s always a mystery what women want in a relationship…or is it? Believe it or not, gentlemen, women are humans too.This means they crave the same things that you do, deep down, but probably won’t admit.</p>
<p>They want to be loved, respected, trusted, and adored. They want you to listen, at least make an attempt to understand, and help where you can. They’re not nearly as complicated as you think – so don’t make it worse than it is.</p>
<p><br><strong>5. She is more afraid of rejection than you are.</strong></p>
<p>I know man, trust me. I’ve been rejected probably more than the average guy. I know how much it sucks and how hard it is to put all of that risk on the table when approaching a woman. <br><br>But, a woman’s desire is to be desired. Every societal norm, whether you agree with it or not, shows her that she is to be pursued. Are you waiting for her to make the first move? Stop.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Can you imagine the blow to self-esteem when you are the object of desire, being made to feel undesirable? Like anything in life, we tend to avoid or be intimidated by what we don’t understand. But, we can choose to observe, learn, and eliminate the hesitation.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="5 Lessons Men Need to Learn About Women" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2013/12/03/5-things-men-need-to-learn-about-women/" target="_blank"><em>5 Lessons Men Need to Learn About Women</em></a> by <a contents="James Michael Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/" target="_blank">James Michael Sama</a>. James does a great job with this article! Click on his name and follow him on the social networks!</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30376012020-07-09T09:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:36:06-04:00Am I Marrying the Wrong Person?<p><em>How I Know My Wife Married the Wrong Person</em> by Tyler McKenzie. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/62aed094ca93897b6eddb375bf9c9338cfdcb271/medium/am-i-marrying-the-wrong-person.jpg?1438219951" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>Today my wife Lindsay and I celebrate our two year anniversary. Two years ago, we tied the knot and took the plunge. The cutest girl in Indiana was taken off the market! Two years ago, we launched the beginning of the rest of our lives.<br><br>And after two years, there’s no hiding behind the dinner-and-a-movie façade of dating life any longer. I can’t buy enough flowers to conceal it. I can’t open enough doors. I can’t say enough I love yous.<br><br>She knows (and painfully, so do I) that she married the wrong person.</p>
<p>Allow me to humbly explain. For some time, there’s a myth floating around in our idealistic individualistic society. That marriage will only work when you find your “smoking-hot, high-class, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, accept-me-as-I-am, Titanic-Notebook-Sweet-Home-Alabama-Twilight-esque, soul mate.”</p>
<p>Don’t believe me? Look at the message Hollywood communicates; the empirical evidence pointing to later and fewer marriages; research studies suggest this is a primary factor that holds men and women back from marital commitment – they just haven’t found their soul mate.<br><br>They believe in their heart of hearts that their match-made-in-heaven is still out there, somewhere.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Much could be said about where this mindset came from, but let’s just leave it at this – Singles today (and most married couples too) are searching for super-spouses that simply don’t exist.<br><br>People expect far too much from their spouse in all the wrong areas.</p>
<p>That’s why I know beyond doubt, at least by society’s standards, that Lindsay married the wrong person. I’ll never be quite as smart as a New York Times Best Seller.<br><br>I’ll never make a six digit paycheck.<br><br>I’ll never electrify the bedroom in the way our pornographic media culture broadcasts as the norm. I’ll never understand her quite as well as we both wish I would. I’ll continue to make mistakes.<br><br>I’ll get angry over silly stuff. I’ll forget to do the dishes. I’ll raise my voice when I shouldn’t. I’ll let pride get the best of me. And I’ll probably think of myself far more often than I should…<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Oh yeah, and my younger days as a part-time body-builder, part-time male-model, full-time Matthew McConaughey stunt double…are over. I retired this January. I’m not an astrophysicist.<br><br>I’m not a movie star. I’m not a billionaire. I’m just Tyler. And Tyler does not meet the standards of the Real Housewives.</p>
<p>So what then is the solution? What do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the “wrong person?” Well here are a few things you could try:</p>
<p><br><strong>1. Every time your significant other falls short, find another</strong><br><br>On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. If they really loved you, they would’ve thought before they acted.<br><br>Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage to carry with each new sexual partner. Or there will be financial fallout from dividing your wealth over and over. Or your kids may grow up with a distorted view of parenting or marriage.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right?<br><br><br><strong>2. Try it before you buy it</strong><br><br>Test drive it. See if the chemistry is there and the sparks fly. Cohabitate. Allow someone into your life at the highest degree of vulnerability, and give them this priceless delicate gift without asking them to commit to you past tomorrow morning.<br><br>Maybe in the process you’ll find your soul mate. Let’s just hope they agree.<br><br><br><strong>3. Avoid it all</strong><br><br>Make it girls’ night out every weekend. Feed your appetite for sex when it’s hungry, for community with drinking buddies, but don’t let anyone too close. Marriage is old news anyways. Commitment is so Generation X. No strings attached.<br><br>Lock your heart up in an “iron-clad dungeon” where no one can reach it, and allow it to grow “motionless, unbreakable, and impenetrable.”<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Then no one will ever break it… or capture it.<br><br><br><strong>4. Realize that love takes hard work</strong><br><br>And that, as long as you limit the field to human beings, you’ll never marry the “right person.” Because there are no 100% “right people.” There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right. <br><br><br><strong>5. Conclusion</strong><br><br>The fairy-tale image of two soul mates finding love at last is just that, a fairy tale. But the image of a beautiful marriage provides something more beautifully realistic: A portrait of two imperfect people, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part.</p>
<p>If both partners understand and commit to this, not only will they experience the perks of marital intimacy like they’ve never imagined, but they both will change. They both will become more forgiving, more sensitive, more loving, and more truthful, together. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Even if just one commits to this, he or she will be surprised how much, still, both partners will change. Your forgiveness, your sensitivity, your love, and your truthfulness will enable and compel your spouse to show the same kid of transforming character back.<br><br>And what could be more satisfying than that?</p>
<p>Not much. Trust me. I know. Because I’ve been married, two years now, to a girl who has relentlessly committed to this task with me. And because of that, I’m a better person. And so is she, I think.<br><br>Love you Lindsay. Here’s to fifty more.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <em>How I Know My Wife Married the Wrong Person</em> by Tyler McKenzie. His website is no longer available.</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375772020-07-07T13:10:00-04:002022-04-05T18:36:15-04:003 Steps To Replacing Bad Relationships With Good Ones<p><em>How to Eliminate Negative Relationships to Create Room for Inspiring Ones</em> by Miki Agrawal. A great article! Click on Miki's name to follow on the social networks!<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/818e0f9911a4c2c06b55b470877f34186bd8a960/medium/3-steps-to-replacing-bad-relationships-with-good-ones.jpg?1462398180" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>“Make a list of people who inspire or deplete you. Draw a big X through the people on the “deplete” list. Now go cultivate the relationships you want.”<br><br>One of the most interesting conversations I’ve been having with people recently has revolved around the importance of friendships and thinking critically about the people you spend your time with, both while at work and when not working.<br><br>I’d like to start by challenging you to truthfully assess if you fall into one or more of these categories:<br><br>1. I realize there are people in my life who aren’t helping me be my best; they may even be holding me back. I want to surround myself with the right people.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>2. I’m done going to bars and watching football for ten hours on weekends with my college friends who drink their faces off, and I want more.<br><br>3. I want to build a new community of friends who challenge, support, and inspire me.<br><br>So often, we fall into the routine of spending time with the people we feel comfortable around, even if they aren’t giving us the energy to do something meaningful with our life.<br><br>With that in mind, here is a system I call BET (bullet, eliminate, take on) to help you stray from the comforts of your usual group and get the results you want.<br><br><br><strong>Step 1: Create a list of commitments, affiliations, relationships, and individuals.</strong></p>
<p>Put those who inspire you on one side and those who deplete you on the other.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>When I say inspire, I mean people who love life, who have the confidence you’ve always wanted, who have relationships that you admire, who you admire for their compassion or abilities, who are achieving things in their life, and who really support and care about you.</p>
<p>When I speak of people or relationships that deplete, I mean people who make you feel bad about yourself, who have a negative attitude, or who make you feel insecure, guilty, unsuccessful, or deflated.</p>
<p>I took a hard look at my friends when I was 25, and discovered there was a clear line between people who made me feel good and those who made me feel bad. I wrote out a list of good and bad relationships and chose to reinvest my energy where it would be the most rewarding.</p>
<p>So sit down and examine the nature of your relationships. If negatives outweigh positives, write that person’s name down under your “deplete” list.</p>
<p>It’s okay if you don’t have a lot of people in the “inspire” column. I’ve had to start over a few times with only a few people I could truly count on. Having a few true and loyal friends is better than a bunch of negative acquaintances any day.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>Step 2: Eliminate the bad relationships and nurture the good ones.</strong></p>
<p>Now draw a big X through the people on the “deplete” list.</p>
<p>I know it can be complicated. But I also know that if you allow yourself to live or work with someone who makes you feel bad, it will hold you back.</p>
<p>It’s not always easy to eliminate a friend. But be aware of how you feel when you spend time with them. If you feel bad every time you see them (or guilty, negative, or exhausted afterward), it’s time to step away.<br><br>Take steps to spend less and less time with them until you can phase them out entirely. And if it’s really bad, and they’re a consistent and significant negative influence on your life, find their contact info in your phone and just press delete.</p>
<p>That may sound harsh. And you may be thinking, “It’s a lot more complicated than this.” The person who makes you feel bad could be a business partner or a boss. It could be a spouse.</p>
<p>Just think about it. Maybe you already tried being nice and attempted to reason with them in the past, but it backfired. Maybe you had a conflict that really never got resolved and grudges remain. Or maybe, no matter how hard you tried to communicate, you just can’t see eye to eye.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Each time you eliminate a person on the “deplete” list, it will free you up to cultivate the great relationships you have or want. You only have a limited amount of time to devote to your friends, so pick them wisely.</p>
<p><strong><br>Step 3: Take on new activities and relationships that energize you.</strong></p>
<p>Go to a place where people are doing the things you love and excel at–or want to excel at. If you want to start a business in technology, go to, say, General Assembly (a start-up incubator) and connect with people there. Bring a friend if you’re intimidated.</p>
<p>If you want to create a design product, find out when design meet-ups are happening on Meetup.com. Another great way to meet new people is by becoming an intern. More often than not, if you’re friendly and sincere, you will make great connections quickly.</p>
<p>If you are a small business owner or are launching your own business, you can find allies through local entrepreneurship groups. Contact your chamber of commerce and join their small business administration.<br><br>Go to the businesses where you see good people working and ask them where they found their workers and if they know of other good people who are looking for jobs. Put feelers out on Facebook and Twitter.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>This BET System will remove undue stress from your life. It will give you more time to find and do what you love and to build your business. And it will put a bounce back in your step.<br><br>Straying from “your comfortable group” is the way to have the most unique opportunities to make new friends and build key contacts quickly in a new city. Being a sheep in the herd is not where you want to be, and you’re only your best when surrounded by positive influences.</p>
<p>Take a BET on yourself: Stray from the group.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as<em> <a contents="How to Eliminate Negative Relationships to Create Room for Inspiring Ones" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/miki-agrawal/eliminate-bad-relationships-to-make-room-for-inspiring-ones.html" target="_blank">How to Eliminate Negative Relationships to Create Room for Inspiring Ones</a></em> by <a contents="Miki Agrawal." data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/author/miki-agrawal" target="_blank">Miki Agrawal.</a> Click on Miki's name to follow on the social networks!<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375792020-07-06T16:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:36:25-04:00Marriage Isn’t For You<p><em>Marriage Isn’t For You</em> by Seth Adam Smith. See details below.</p>
<p><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/99b17de6598ad856663978b8abfc7b063f364d2b/medium/marriage-isnt-for-you.jpg?1438657485" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.<br><br>Now before you start making assumptions, know that I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided we no longer wanted to be just friends.<br><br>I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?</p>
<p>Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you.<br><br>You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy.<br><br>More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day.<br><br>I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.</p>
<p>My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”</p>
<p>Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.</p>
<p>But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.</p>
<p>To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.</p>
<p>And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Marriage Isn’t For You" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/" target="_blank"><em>Marriage Isn’t For You</em></a> by <a contents="Seth Adam Smith" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://sethadamsmith.com/" target="_blank">Seth Adam Smith</a>. Mr. Smith did a great job with this article! Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375852020-07-03T07:15:00-04:002022-04-05T18:36:42-04:005 Marriage Myths Debunked<p><em>Debunking 6 myths about marriage that everybody’s heard</em> by Aaron Anderson. See details below.</p>
<p>—<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/250488a9bf9aceff1436b1b873acf11ca99acbb8/medium/5-marriage-myths-debunked.jpg?1438552926" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>We long for the Hollywoodization of relationships. Where everything goes smoothly and passionately and all our disagreements are resolved before the credits roll. But the truth is, common myths about marriage can undermine your relationship.<br><br>Rather than falling victim to these myths, take off the glasses and be honest with yourself and your spouse.</p>
<p>You don’t have to settle for less. In fact, you likely are reading this post because you’re interested making your marriage all it can be.<br><br>A great marriage is a long-term process — not an overnight miracle. By uncovering and debunking these marriage myths you’ll see things more clearly in life and marriage.</p>
<p><br><strong>Myth 1: A good marriage begins by finding Mr. or Ms. Right.</strong></p>
<p>It’s easy to blame problems in marriage on our spouse, which can lead to the belief that they are not Mr. or Ms. Right. Surely, there are couples that really don’t belong together. However, the majority of these not-the-right-person beliefs are rooted in unrealistic expectations.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>Myth 2: When couples argue, it destroys the relationship.</strong></p>
<p>You may have entered marriage believing that arguing is bad. You may have expected things to go smoothly, with only a few minor bumps along the way. But then the usual struggles over money, sex, children, and/or sharing responsibilities emerge. If you don’t recognize that all couples face these problems, it’s easy to believe something is wrong with your marriage.<br><br>Some couples choose to distance themselves from each other rather than talk through the problems. In the end, many of these couple let their marriages fall apart because the gulf became too big to find their ways back to each other. Arguing, or better stated—heated discussions, can be a positive force in a marriage.</p>
<p>A good marriage is the product of constant care and nurturing. Think about it this way, what do we know about achieving anything good in life? It takes work. For example, how do people stay physically fit? Certainly not by fantasizing and longing for a rock hard body – a healthy body takes constant attention and work. <br><br>The same is true for thriving relationships. Marriage is very much like a living organism: It is constantly changing. Partners are not always going to feel close or affectionate toward one another. There are even times when you will be very angry at your spouse, times when you may even question why the two of you married in the first place. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Working though these rough spots is an important part of growing closer. Keep in mind however, there is nothing automatic about the process.</p>
<p><br><strong>Myth 3: Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another’s makeup.</strong></p>
<p>One great joy of marriage is the ability to pool your strengths and talents. If one of you is physical and the other intellectual, you can help expand one another’s horizons. However, if you are painfully shy and rely on your spouse to do all the talking, you’re going to feel an imbalance. <br><br>Assuming rigid roles based on gender also creates an imbalance: like a husband who refuses to help with cooking or cleaning because these tasks are “woman’s work” or a wife who refuses to pick up a hammer or screwdriver because “that’s the husband’s job.”<br><br>Spouses must be flexible in their roles, and willing to work together at all sorts of tasks.</p>
<p>Great marriages are collaborative efforts in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple. Each marriage partner brings a unique package of strengths and weaknesses to the table, and each has a separate timetable for growth.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But, if one partner’s development or contribution is way out of proportion to the other’s, this imbalance can undermine the marriage.</p>
<p><br><strong>Myth 4: Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work.</strong></p>
<p>It still surprises me how many people think happily married couples must do everything together. As if when you get married you cease to exist as an individual. Each spouse has a separate life apart from that as a marriage partner – because marriage is choice.<br><br>And it’s still as much of a choice 15 years into it as it was on the first day. When you choose to get married, you choose to become an integral part of another person’s world.<br><br>That means, among other things, taking an interest in your partner’s personal goals, and doing your best to have amicable dealings with his or her family of origin. However, this is a lot different than feeling compelled to do everything together.<br><br>If you believe this myth you’ll likely find yourself or your spouse feeling trapped in the relationship. Some marriages require more togetherness; others, more separateness. The trick is finding a balance of togetherness and separateness that works for you.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>In the past, people married out of economic necessity and to have children. Now some believe marriage is a way to achieve fulfillment and personal satisfaction. <br><br>Complaints in marriage often go like this: “I’m just not happy with him anymore. I don’t feel fulfilled.” These complaints are a result of overblown and misguided expectations. You may see signs that this myth is interfering with your marriage; one would be when you or your partner say,<br><br>“If you loved me you would . . . (check the choice or choices that apply):</p>
<p>a) Spend more time with my family, b) make love to me more often, c) take the vacation I want, <span style="font-size:13px;line-height:19px;">d) do more household chores</span>…and more.</p>
<p>The message here, “You don’t love me unless you do exactly what I want.”</p>
<p>There is also a flip side to this myth that shows up when one partner demands that the other accept their love on faith — even when their words and actions convey the opposite message.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Every one of us have a right to want our desires fulfilled, but we must be realistic. Even in the best of marriages, a spouse and the relationship can provide just so much fulfillment.<br><br>The rest will have to come other sources such as career, family, or from the pursuit of various interests, or even – most importantly – from within.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <em>Debunking 6 myths about marriage that everybody’s heard</em> by <a contents="Aaron Anderson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://goodmenproject.com/author/aaron-anderson/" target="_blank">Aaron Anderson</a>. Click on Aaron's name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375932020-07-02T12:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:36:53-04:00An Open Letter From A Divorced Man<p>Guest post by "David A."<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/7dd6a8f873f181c3547904a450932b52e65217a9/medium/an-open-letter-from-a-divorced-man.jpg?1505858613" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: Wherever we are in life, we are all on a journey. There is never an “arrival.” If this article arises infuriating feelings within, may I invite you to focus on David’s transparency and the courage it took for him to share a story for anyone in the world to read.<br><br>This article is not about whether his actions, reactions, life, or leadership is or isn’t admirable. It’s about a man who experienced deep levels of pain and regret, yet mustered the courage to press onward, find hope, and then share his story.</p>
<p>Falling but finding the courage to rise and try again; this is so many of our stories. Through conflict and rising, we become new people. We are never thankful for the hurtful times. But once the wounds become scars and no longer cause pain, we find ourselves thankful for the lessons we learned.<br><br>Those scars remind us of where we’ve been and we live with a deeper sense of meaning, purpose, clarity. We are no longer living by theories but realize we now have experience. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>In regards to the article below, I’ve developed trusting relationships with spiritual, religious, social, and political leaders. No matter how much you admire a person, or how well put together they seem, at the end of the day, they’re just people.<br><br>---</p>
<p>From David: I was a senior pastor of a church. This was not supposed to happen, not to me. But it did (I speak with the formal naivety I once owned). But things happen to everyone.<br><br>Mine was not a case of cheating, but of being a battered husband. The shame and pain, the difficulty for me to forgive, the plethora of unmentioned losses were incalculable: to lose my wife, my children, my home, my ministry after twenty years.<br><br>I foolishly concealed what was taking place in my private life because I was ashamed and afraid of what people would think if they found out the truth. My understanding of leadership was skewed.<br><br>Men were being mentored for leadership roles in the church, and when I strove to make our home an open home to them, I had no choice but to become completely transparent.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>My wife and I were married for 17 years. During the last 3 years of our marriage, her violence erupted regularly. It began after we had returned form overseas missionary work. She had a breakdown after encountering all the suffering in third world countries.<br><br>She punched, kicked, bit. Once while we were riding in the van, she jerked the steering wheel trying to make us wreck. The kids were loaded in the back. Sometimes she expended so much energy she would go to bed for a couple of days at a time.<br><br>I didn’t know how to handle this. I had never raised my hand or my voice at her. We had fifteen years of happy, harmonious marriage. Love and mutual respect. But during the violence, there were times when all I could do was get out of the home and walk the streets. When it began to happen in front of my kids, that was the real humiliation.<br><br>We went to a self help group and discovered that about other couples shared similar stories of their wive’s violence. This was more widespread than we expected.<br><br>I stepped down from my position at the church and tried another 3 years to save our marriage. I had no idea what I was doing. It’s not like there’s a handbook to every single situation in life. Depression set in and I was overcome with a deep sense of failure.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The weight of believing I had let my kids down, the people in the church, and all the rest. Here’s a theologian’s question: How is it that all I've been taught and teach myself doesn’t work where the rubber meets the road?<br><br>My heart went out to <a contents="Gerald Rogers" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage" target="_blank">Gerald Rogers</a> for his article. His many noble and mentioned shortcomings. But he is only in the first stages of his walk as a single man. Will he carry the stigma of a divorcee? And the destructive baggage of his past? I hope not.<br><br>It took me ten years of seeking healing before I began to find some measure of peace. Part of this is in fault of my carrying secret guilt, shame, failure, and my unwillingness to forgive my wife.<br><br>I have never ever contemplated suicide because I believe there is too much loving to do. But I understand those who have.<br><br>Years of secret pain, at times, felt unbearable. I knew these experiences would effect my three boys and even shape the paths they choose in life. And I was not there to help guide them through the week since I could only visit with them on the weekends.<br><br>Then, taking them home and the aggression and violence of my wife attacking me in the street… Unforgiving spouses can use the children in the destructive game of “I’m taking vengeance.”<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I learned through all of the pain and failure, that guilt and shame are the most difficult of all, because I had to live with me. I hated what I had done, thus hated myself.<br><br>I told the man in the mirror that I hadn’t loved enough, laid down my life enough, given my wife enough attention and concern, etc. This, in turn, evoked more resentment from her.<br><br>After fourteen years, I’ve arrived to a period of discovering grace and new beginnings at a whole new level. I became a man set free. Many will not or ever understand this.<br><br>I had grown a beard and grew accustomed to wearing sunglasses so that people couldn’t recognize me or see into my eyes. But then I shaved and discarded the glasses, as if I was reborn.<br><br>During the time of our separation and divorce, I had made attempts to reconcile, but we both carried so much past baggage, hurt and resentment. We remained separated, and some years later, she passed away from cancer.<br><br>It wasn’t long after, that I was introduced to a woman through mutual friends. A wonderful woman who had come out of a destructive marriage with an unfaithful husband. And she too had found healing. Within a week of dating her, I had fallen in love with her and proposed. And we were married three months later.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We have been happily married now for over fifteen years. There is life after divorce. Just make sure you have found healing from the past, that all the cupboards that could potentially hold skeletons are swept clean and cleared out.<br><br>There is hope.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375672020-06-29T09:25:00-04:002022-04-05T18:37:06-04:00Is Marriage For You?<p><em>Marriage is for Losers </em>by<em> </em>Dr. Flanagan. See below for details.</p>
<p>— <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/258c7e942522dc474f15d077ab116e935b919cb0/medium/is-marriage-for-you.jpg?1461792464" class="size_m justify_center border_" />You can be right, or you can be married; take your pick. I can’t remember who told me that, but I do remember that they were only half-joking. The other half, the serious half, is exceedingly important. This is why.</p>
<p>Many therapists aren’t crazy about doing marital therapy. It’s complicated and messy, and it often feels out of control. In the worst case scenario, the therapist has front row seats to a regularly-scheduled prize fight.<br><br>But I love to do marital therapy. Why? Maybe I enjoy the work because I keep one simple principle in mind: if marriage is going to work, it needs to become a contest to see which spouse is going to lose the most, and it needs to be a race that goes down to the wire.</p>
<p>When it comes to winning and losing, I think there are three kinds of marriages.</p>
<p><br><strong>1. Both spouses are competing to win, and it’s a duel to the death.</strong><br><br>Husbands and wives are armed with a vast arsenal, ranging from fists, to words, to silence. These are the marriages that destroy. Spouses destroy each other, and, in the process, they destroy the peace of their children.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>In fact, the destruction is so complete that research tells us it is better for children to have divorced parents than warring parents. These marriages account for most of the fifty percent of marriages that fail, and then some.</p>
<p><br><strong>2. Ripe with winning and losing, but the roles are set, and the loser is always the same spouse.</strong><br><br>These are the truly abusive marriages, the ones in which one spouse dominates, the other submits, and in the process, both husband and wife are stripped of their dignity. These are the marriages of addicts and enablers, tyrants and slaves, and they may be the saddest marriages of all.</p>
<p><br><strong>3. Not perfect, not even close. But a decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all—themselves.</strong><br><br>In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the most. The marriage becomes a competition to see who can change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and strength of the other.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>These marriages form people who can be small and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful. And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.</p>
<p>Because we live in a culture in which losing is the enemy (except in Chicago, where Cubs fans have made it a way of life). We wake up to news stories about domestic disputes gone wrong. Really wrong.<br><br>Go to workplaces where everyone is battling for the boss’s favor and the next promotion, or we stay at home where the battle for the Legos is just as fierce.<br><br>Nightly, we watch the talking heads on the cable news networks, trying to win the battle of ideas, although sometimes they seem quite willing to settle for winning the battle of decibels.<br><br>We fight to have the best stuff, in the best name brands, and when we finally look at each other at the end of the day, we fight, because we are trained to do nothing else. And, usually, we have been trained well.</p>
<p>In the worst of cases, we grew up fighting for our very survival, both physically and emotionally. But even in the best of situations, we found ourselves trying to win the competition for our parents’ attention and approval, for our peers’ acceptance, and for the validating stamp of a world with one message: win.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And, so, cultivating a marriage in which losing is the mutual norm becomes a radically counter-cultural act. To sit in the marital therapy room is to foment a rebellion.</p>
<p>What do the rebellious marriages look like? Lately, when my blood is bubbling, when I just know I’ve been misunderstood and neglected, and I’m ready to do just about anything to convince and win what I deserve, I try to remember a phone call we recently received from my son’s second grade teacher.<br><br>She called us one day after school to tell us there had been an incident in gym class. After a fierce athletic competition, in which the prize was the privilege to leave the gym first, my son’s team had lost.<br><br>The losers were standing by, grumbling and complaining about second-grade-versions of injustice, as the victors filed past.</p>
<p>And that’s when my son started to clap. He clapped for the winners as they passed, with a big dopey grin on his face and a smile stretched from one ear of his heart to the other. His startled gym teacher quickly exhorted the rest of his team to follow suit.<br><br>So, a bunch of second grade losers staged a rebellion, giving a rousing ovation for their victorious peers, and in doing so, embraced the fullness of what it can mean to be a loser. When I’m seething, I try to remember the heart of a boy, a heart that can lose graciously and reach out in affection to the victors.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heart ache rather than a solution. It’s being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times.<br><br>It’s finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that you’re right and they are wrong.<br><br>It’s doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego. It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily. It is eliminating anything from your life, even the things you love, if they are keeping you from attending, caring, and serving.<br><br>It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy-making things about your partner because, you remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first place. It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionally—because they are a broken creature, too—and loving them to the end anyway.</p>
<p>Maybe marriage, when it’s lived by two losers in a household culture of mutual surrender, is just the training we need to walk through this world—a world that wants to chew you up and spit you out—without the constant fear of getting the short end of the stick.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Maybe we need to be formed in such a way that winning loses its glamour, that we can sacrifice the competition in favor of people. Maybe what we need, really, is to become a bunch of losers in a world that is being a torn apart by the competition to win.<br><br>If we did that, maybe we’d be able to sleep a little easier at night, look our loved ones in the eyes, forgive and forget, and clap for the people around us.</p>
<p>I think that in a marriage of losers, a synergy happens and all of life can explode into a kind of rebellion that is brighter than the sun. The really good rebellions, the ones that last and make the world a better place, they are like that, aren’t they? They heal, they restore.<br><br>They are big, and they shine like the sun. And, like the sun, their gravitational pull is almost irresistible.</p>
<p><strong><em>Read another popular post:</em></strong> <strong><em><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ev" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ev</a>er!</em></strong><br><br>This article originally appeared as <a contents="Marriage is for Losers&nbsp;by&nbsp;Dr. Flanagan" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://drkellyflanagan.com/2012/03/02/marriage-is-for-losers/" target="_blank"><em>Marriage is for Losers</em> by Dr. Flanagan</a>. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br>—</p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em></a>,<em> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em> <em><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt">Twitter</a> </em>or subscribe to his <a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact">email list</a> for updates.</p>
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<br> </div>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375682020-06-28T08:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:37:23-04:007 Facts I Wish I Knew Before Marriage<p><em>Seven Things I Wish I Had Known Before Getting Married</em> by Melanie Pinola. See details below.</p>
<p>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/990b9e197ebb02b5386068fd03057a2d9034848f/medium/7-facts-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage.jpg?1442322635" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>This month, my husband and I celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary. Here are the things I think every single person should consider before they get married.</p>
<p><br><strong>1. Marriage Is the Final Frontier</strong><br><br>Most of the things I’ve learned (below) apply to both cohabitation and marriage, except this one: Getting married really is different than living together unmarried even for many years. It’s not just the many legal and financial benefits of marriage, though. There’s a psychological difference.</p>
<p>My husband and I lived together for several years before getting engaged, and dated several years before that, so it’s not like there was much to adjust to after getting married. But maybe it’s the months of preparing for a wedding (and investing thousands in it) or the knowledge of how difficult (and also expensive) divorce can be that makes the commitment more ironclad, for both you and those around you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But as soon as the wedding vows are exchanged, you’re on a different, accelerated life path. Before, you were being nagged about when you were going to get married. Now friends and family will be asking when you’re going to have a baby (a relationship - and life-changer on its own).<br><br>Once you have that baby, you’ll be asked when you’re going to give the kid a brother or sister. Everyone’s in such a hurry.</p>
<p>Even if you’re really ready for marriage and can picture the entire rest of your lives together, it’s normal to wake up some days and think, “Wow, I’m married forever and ever??”<br><br>Even when getting married is a natural step in your happy relationship, years later when you’re more appreciative of the decades you have ahead of yourselves, you can be floored by how extraordinary it is to commit the remainder of your life to one person.</p>
<p><br><strong>2. You’re Not Just Marrying Your Partner, You’re Marrying His or Her Family Too</strong><br><br>You know the saying “We’re not losing a daughter, we’re gaining a son-in-law”? Well, it works in the reverse too: You’re inheriting the obligations, stresses, and, yes, benefits, of a whole new family.<br><br>You might get along superbly with your significant other’s family now, but once you’re married, they could transform into the in-laws from hell, because now you’re cemented to your partner and they claim you as one of their own.</p>
<p>I’ve seen couples on the brink of divorce over in-law issues rather than problems specifically between the couples themselves. So my advice would be for both sides to imagine each other’s family at their worst and how you two might handle any issues before they got bigger than the both of you.<br><br>And, to be fair, know that bonding with your partner’s family at a deeper level and becoming the daughter/son/sister/brother they always wanted is another surprising perk of marriage.</p>
<p><br><strong>3. Say Goodbye to Taboos</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There’s a scene in <em>This Is 40</em> where Paul Rudd’s character forces his onscreen wife Leslie Mann to inspect his naked bottom for hemorrhoids. It might not be as extreme as that for all couples, but after being married for some time, the raw and crude things are no longer, well, raw or crude.<br><br>In fact, they’re like curiosities and, sometimes, obligations.</p>
<p><br><strong style="font-size:13px;">4. The Little Things Matter a Whole Lot More</strong><br><br>I used to think that the best test of whether you could live with someone else forever is to ask yourself if you could put up with his or her biggest flaw—or the worst version of this person—for the rest of your life.<br><br>I still think that’s a good exercise, since people become more themselves as they age—their desires, strengths, and flaws get sharper. If your partner is somewhat of a curmudgeon now, he or she will probably only become crankier and more stubborn as the years go by.<br><br>Conversely, the best things you love about a person could hold you steady through the inevitable tough times. </p>
<p>But now I think that it’s the little things you have to look for, because in the day-in/day-out of marriage, the little things add up.<br><br>Little annoyances like a nail biting habit or leaving filled water glasses everywhere are really easy to overlook during a relationship when the bigger things—the way your partner makes you laugh or how beautiful you feel around him or her—attract your attention more.<br><br>When we’re “in love” we tend not to notice the small things that could drive you crazy months later, like hanging the toilet paper the wrong way.</p>
<p>On the flip side, it’s also the small acts of everyday kindness, respect, and love that keep a marriage going. Romantic gestures like buying flowers or a surprise date out are great, but they don’t hold a candle to mundane things like unclogging a drain or taking over child-bathing duty.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Doing chores becomes sexy in a way you would never imagine.</p>
<p><br><strong>5. You Both Have to Change to Make the Marriage Work</strong><br><br>The old adage that you can’t change someone by marrying them still holds true. You shouldn’t fall prey to “fixer-upper bias,” and you probably don’t want anyone to change you either. The truth is, though, you’re probably both going to have to change or adapt, as a choice, to keep the energy and love alive.</p>
<p>The two biggest things are learning how to fight more productively and how to communicate in ways that might not be natural to you but make more sense to the other person.<br><br>Gary Chapman, who literally wrote the book on what people should know before they get married, says that people have different “love languages” or ways they express and receive love best.<br><br>I’m not naturally a “toucher” but am learning how significant just holding hands can be. It can take a long time to learn what your partner’s silences mean (and don’t mean), that grudges can kill a relationship, and how to adapt to the ups and downs that life is going to throw at you both.</p>
<p>I think every couple should go through at least one really tough time together before they get married, just to see how the other person handles such things.</p>
<p><br><strong>6. There’s No Just You Anymore</strong><br><br>Paul Reiser in <em>Couplehood</em> explains it pretty well: “The problem is, when two people live together, there is no more Business of Your Own. Your Own Business is closed. You’ve merged and gone public.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>"You have to run everything by the partners. And if there are too many conflicts of interest, the business may go under, freeing the partners to once again open up smaller concerns by themselves.”</p>
<p>Being part of a permanent team has its benefits. You come to rely on the other person to remember and take care of certain information.<br><br>I don’t have to worry about making plans with our friends or not getting lost when driving, and he doesn’t have to worry about the bills or after-school activities.<br><br>(Also, I wish I had known at the start that there were some things he’ll willingly do that I just assumed he hated, because I hate them: things like grocery shopping and getting rid of telemarketers. I would’ve had him do those things sooner.)</p>
<p>On the other hand, now you have to put the marriage above everything else, and might even forget what you were like when you were single and “free.” It’s not a bad thing, necessarily. It’s just a lot of responsibility, being responsible to someone else.</p>
<p><br><strong>7. It’s a Constant Work in Progress</strong><br><br>You might think once you’ve finally settled down you can relax and live happily ever after, but nothing can be farther from the truth. The years jumble together, and if you’re not careful you’ll easily take the marriage for granted.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I didn’t know it over the years, but I think the thing that’s made the most difference for my marriage is our regular vacations and other traditions—things that force us to take stock again in our relationship and reconnect on a deep level. Just “being in love” isn’t enough to make a marriage work.</p>
<p>Even after decades of living together, you’ll be learning things about your partner, bit by bit, that might surprise you—or they’ll suddenly change or have different priorities and needs (“Really, you want to become a scuba diver now?” and “How come you never told me you don’t like olives?”).<br><br>It’s like a dance, and you both have to keep up with each other. But what a beautiful dance it can be.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br><a contents="Seven Things I Wish I Had Known Before Getting Married " data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://lifehacker.com/7-things-i-wish-i-had-known-before-getting-married-1452066572" target="_blank"><em>Seven Things I Wish I Had Known Before Getting Married </em></a>by <a contents="Melanie Pinola" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://kinja.com/MelaniePinola" target="_blank">Melanie Pinola</a>. Ms. Pinola did a great job with this article! Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375702020-06-26T07:15:00-04:002022-04-05T18:40:08-04:00Dear Daughter, About Your Future Husband<p><em>A Daddy’s Letter to His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband)</em> by Dr. Kelly Flanagan. See details below.</p>
<p>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/37ec3fae9f884653682579fe3cf8da04b7ecdea7/medium/dear-daughter-about-your-future-husband.jpg?1505339590" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Dear Cutie-Pie,<br><br>Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world.<br><br>Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”<br><br>It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.<br><br>And I got angry.<br><br>Little One,<br><br>1. It’s not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”<br><br>2. Your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>(If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)<br><br>If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.<br><br>3. I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting.<br><br>4. I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>5. I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.<br><br>6. I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.<br><br>7. I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.<br><br>8. I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.<br><br>9. I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>10. I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.<br><br>In the end, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common: You. Because in the end, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.<br><br><br>Your eternally interested guy,<br><br>Daddy<br><br>This post is, of course, dedicated to my daughter, my Cutie-Pie. But I also want to dedicate it beyond her. I wrote it for my wife, who has courageously held on to her sense of worth and has always held me accountable to being that kind of “boy."<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I wrote it for every grown woman I have met inside and outside of my therapy office—the women who have never known this voice of a Daddy. <br><br>And I wrote it for the generation of boys-becoming-men who need to be reminded of what is really important—my little girl finding a loving, lifelong companion is dependent upon at least one of you figuring this out. I’m praying for you.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="A Daddy’s Letter to His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband)" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/04/17/a-daddys-letter-to-his-little-girl-about-her-future-husband/" target="_blank"><em>A Daddy’s Letter to His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband)</em></a> by <a contents="Dr. Kelly Flanagan" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://drkellyflanagan.com/" target="_blank">Dr. Kelly Flanagan</a>. Click on Dr. Flanagan's name to follow him on the social networks!</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375692020-06-25T07:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:40:12-04:0010 Ways To Know Your Woman Is A Keeper<p><em>10 Ways to Know Your Woman is a Keeper </em> by James Michael Sama. See details below.</p>
<p><strong>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/1441d713ac0de11f2818a7612cb34172907a1df3/medium/10-ways-to-know-your-woman-is-a-keeper.jpg?1505490632" class="size_m justify_center border_" />We’ve all heard “oh, there are plenty of fish in the sea” when it comes to dating.</strong> But, when was the last time you walked into someone’s house to find hundreds of tiny minnows proudly hung along their mantle?</p>
<p>No. You want the catch. You want the one you couldn’t possibly let go. The one you’d do anything to reel in. So, how do you know you’ve found a keeper? Here are 10 signs to look out for.</p>
<p><br><strong>1. She doesn’t look for attention. </strong><br><br>The women who don’t look for attention, are precisely the women we should be giving our attention to.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Girls who are always looking for compliments or to be noticed, are often insecure and looking to overcompensate. What’s more – is that they’re likely more concerned about their own happiness, than they would be about yours.</p>
<p>Women who are content with their own self confidence and don’t look elsewhere for validation, shine from within and will add to your life. The last thing you need is to be a placeholder for a girl who is just seeking something anyone else can give her. This doesn’t provide any sort of foundation for a solid relationship.</p>
<p><br><strong>2. She can hold a conversation. </strong><br><br>Believe me – I know how important physical attraction is to a relationship. But, believe me when I say that I also know that it’s not the most important thing, when you’re talking long term.</p>
<p>A woman who truly keeps your attention, makes you excited to see her, or just talk to her – every day – is one worth holding onto. An intelligent, well-spoken, witty, funny woman with killer looks, granted is hard to come by – but, who are you to settle for less than you deserve? Nobody, that’s who.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong><span style="font-size:13px;">3. She is comfortable in any situation. </span></strong><br><br>Let’s face it, when you’re dating somebody, you’re not alone with them all the time. It’s important to be able to live a full life with them by your side. This means family events, outings with friends, double dates, movie nights on the couch…Not to mention, the activities brought forth by similar interests – which you both should have!</p>
<p>I’ve always used the rule of thumb that if you truly like a girl and feel comfortable bringing her to any social event and leaving her alone if you need to go talk to someone or grab a drink – then she gets major bonus points.</p>
<p><br><strong>4. She doesn’t start petty arguments. </strong><br><br>In a healthy relationship, two people should be able to work out their differences via mature conversation and discussion. This does not mean bringing up nonsensical past issues or dwelling on small events that they’ve been emotionally harboring, waiting for the right time to unleash.</p>
<p>A mature woman won’t throw the past in your face or use it as ammunition against you, especially if she has already forgiven you for your mistakes.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>5. She encourages you. </strong><br><br>Even the best accomplishments in life seem to lose their luster when there is nobody to share them with. Your significant other should be one of, if not THE first, people you want to tell exciting news to.</p>
<p>Does your girl get excited about things in your life, even if she doesn’t have personal interest in them? Does she stand behind you, and encourage you to chase your goals and dreams? If so, you have found a teammate worth holding onto.</p>
<p><br><strong>6. She’s your sunshine on a gloomy day (and every day). </strong><br><br>Do you wake up every morning excited to talk to her? Or to kiss her on the forehead if you’re there together? Does seeing her name pop up on your phone during a rough day make you forget about all of your worries? Does being with her take you into your own world where nothing else matters?</p>
<p>If you said yes to any of the above, hold onto her, man.</p>
<p><br><strong>7. She puts in effort for you. </strong><br><br>I am all about giving in relationships. Personally, I love to give and do things for my girlfriend. Seeing her happy makes me happy – and I believe if two people both feel that way in a relationship, it will be a success.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as keeping her hair or nails done to look good for you. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.</p>
<p>If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.</p>
<p><br><strong>8. You can laugh together. </strong><br><br>Seriously, how big is this one? Simple, but so important. Life can get you down. Work, bills, obligations – your relationship shouldn’t be something on that list. Your girlfriend should also be your best friend who you can do anything with, and have fun doing it.</p>
<p>If they drag you down, it’s time for a change.</p>
<p><br><strong>9. You can cry together. </strong><br><br>Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Times get tough, things get hard, and we all need a support system.</p>
<p>Is she there for you when you need her? Are you there for her? If your support is not reciprocated by her, then you need to find someone who understands the importance of your feelings, too.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>10. You have similar views for the future. </strong><br><br>I know man, the future is way off. It’s a scary place, but it’s still there. If you’re in a solid, committed relationship, it’s important to understand where both of you see yourselves, and the relationship – going.</p>
<p>Does she want a ring within a year? A baby? Dude…are you ready for that? If you’re not – what makes you think that she will forget all about it and that your relationship will coast through time without it being an issue?</p>
<p>Compromise is key. The future of your life cannot be dictated by someone else, but it can be affected by them – and working together to find what makes you both happy in the long run, is key.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="10 Ways to Know Your Woman is a Keeper" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2013/11/13/10-ways-to-know-your-girl-is-a-keeper/" target="_blank"><em>10 Ways to Know Your Woman is a Keeper</em></a> by <a contents="James Michael Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/" target="_blank">James Michael Sama</a>. A great article! Click on Mr. Sama's name to follow him on the social networks!</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375602020-06-24T21:05:00-04:002022-06-04T11:48:05-04:0014 Reasons To Never Cheat On Your Spouse<p><em>Before You Cheat, 14 Things You Need To Know</em> by Rod Arters. See below for details.</p>
<p>— <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/383e15ea83b5e93584488429b0028713e0744f3c/medium/14-reasons-to-never-cheat-on-your-spouse.jpg?1403733288" class="size_m justify_center border_none" alt="" /></p>
<p>Cheating seems to be so prevalent today that the question isn’t who is cheating but rather – who isn’t?<br><br>Too many treat their most important relationships casually and their commitments as optional. Our microwave mentality (quick and easy) has infiltrated our most sacred institution: marriage.</p>
<p>We even have a reality called <em>Cheaters</em> that is designed to reveal an indiscretion and exploit the humiliation on national television. I’m not sure which is more devastating – discovering your lover’s unfaithfulness or discovering the crushing news at the same time as the train-wreck watching public. We live in a very sad day and age.</p>
<p>I have seen first-hand the destruction of cheating. It devastates relationships and shatters dreams.<br><br>If you have entertained the idea of cheating on your spouse or significant other, let this serve as your official warning. Your handsome boss, cute office secretary or sultry neighbor down the street comes with a price tag that you cannot afford. Before you cheat here are 14 things you really need to know.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>1. You will become a liar. </strong></p>
<p>It’s bad enough to bear the title of “Cheater,” but if you cheat, you will also wear the hat of “Liar.” Cheating cannot occur without deceit on some level and normally the white lies in the beginning become full-fledged lies at the end.<br><br>“I’m working late at the office tonight” may be a half-truth but you’ll need to redefine the word “working” to silence your compromised conscience. Cheating and lying go hand in hand.</p>
<p><br><strong>2. You will get caught. </strong></p>
<p>It may not be today or tomorrow. But eventually, your affair will come to light. Your world will come crashing down on you. If you are fortunate, the story of your indiscretion may avoid the evening news or the front page of your local paper, but your circle of friends will know your deeds.<br><br>And everyone likes to share juicy news.</p>
<p><br><strong>3. You will disappoint everyone. </strong></p>
<p>Everyone. Your spouse. Your friends. Your co-workers. Your parents. Your nephew. Your children. God. Yourself.</p>
<p><br><strong>4. You will be a bad example. </strong></p>
<p>We’re either a good example or a bad example in all things that we do. Cheating is a not only a very bad example in relationships but brings with it a cloud of doubt that hovers over you in other areas of your life.<br><br>If you cheated in one area, would you cheat in another? Cheating communicates to everyone that you took the easy road. It tells others that you were willing to cut corners in your most primary relationship.<br><br>It reveals that you were not willing to do the hard work and get the help you needed. No one ever admires a cheater. Even if you did a lifetime of good, this one bad deed can erase it all.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>5. You will lose your moral authority. </strong></p>
<p>It’s hard to tell your children (or others) to do the right thing when they know you didn’t. Saying “Do as I say, not as I do” is the fastest way to lose the respect of others.<br><br>Not only will you lose their respect, you’ll lose yours. Every moral judgment you make in the future will be weighed against your cheating action of the past. It doesn’t mean you can’t speak the truth in the future, it just means that few will listen to you.</p>
<p><br><strong>6. You will create trust issues for your spouse. </strong></p>
<p>Forever. You will single-handedly damage the precious self-esteem of the one you promised to love. Every relationship they have after you will be one that they struggle to trust.<br><br>If that were not enough, you will rock the world of children and cause them to question the stability of every meaningful relationship they have. For children, their parents relationship is their anchor and cheating cuts the line.</p>
<p><br><strong>7. You will lose your standard of living.</strong></p>
<p>Depending on what you do for a living, you may lose your job. Many lose their home. Most end up with enormous court fees since cheating is usually the precursor to divorce.<br><br>Betrayed spouses have a way of making you pay and that payment is always expensive. Every check you write is a constant reminder of your foolishness.</p>
<p><br><strong>8. You will spend years trying to rebuild your life. </strong></p>
<p>Literally years. Even if you somehow weathered the storm financially, you will find it takes years for you to recover emotionally. It takes years for you to restore certain friendships, if you even do.<br><br>It takes years for you to rebuild your character. It takes years to rebuild trust. It takes years to truly forgive yourself.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>9. You will lose relationships.</strong></p>
<p>You will lose a LOT of relationships. Lifelong friends will walk away. Close friends that you have helped countless times will not be around to help you. Even some family members who are supposed to love you no matter what will vanish.<br><br>A cheater can end up living a very lonely life. It’s hard for many people who used to call you friend to get past that skunk smell of disappointment.</p>
<p><br><strong>10. You will increase your chances of getting an STD.</strong></p>
<p>Sexually transmitted diseases run rampant among promiscuous people. But your paramour is “clean,” right? After all, they told you so. And if there is one thing we all know – we can trust a cheater and their word.<br><br>As the saying goes, “There is honor among thieves.” One helpful thought may be to assume that everyone but your spouse has an STD. That should curb your appetite for destruction.</p>
<p><br><strong>11. The grass is not greener on the other side. </strong></p>
<p>The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception. Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand. It’s not.<br><br>In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color. This usually happens soon after you get caught.</p>
<p><br><strong>12. You will then see that patch of land differently. </strong></p>
<p>You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back. The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard. Would you want this done to you? Thieves like to steal wallets but hate when it’s done to them.<br><br>If we all lived by the Golden Rule (“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”) most of life’s problems would be solved overnight. Think about this action as if it were being done to you. The problem is that it requires thought and thinking is often the last thing a cheater has on his/her mind.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>13. You will eventually regret this decision. </strong></p>
<p>In the heat of the moment, cheating appears to make sense. It feels good and sometimes even feels right. Feelings are deceitful. Soon afterward, your eyes will be opened and you will regret that you ever partook of the forbidden fruit.<br><br>Don’t we all have enough regrets in our lives? Why add another one – particularly one that can only destroy everything you have worked so hard to build? Your home may not be perfect but it sure beats living in a tent.</p>
<p><br><strong>14. The pain outweighs the gain. </strong></p>
<p>No one ever says from their deathbed, I wish I had an affair. No one ever leaves their lawyer’s office with a smile on their face – grateful for the experience. No one loses dear friends and is glad they have one less Christmas card to receive this year.<br><br>The loss is immeasurable. The pain can be unbearable. Entire kingdoms can be lost for a few minutes of pleasure. It is just not worth it.</p>
<p>In November 2008, I looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw. I did not like who I had become. I was finally at the point where I was willing to admit the dark side of my soul. Days later, I confessed to my wife and children and church that I had been unfaithful during my marriage.<br><br>Needless to say, it was the most difficult series of conversations I have ever had in my life. There is no pain like watching people you love sob in tears because of your selfish actions. Within one year, I had lost everything dear and precious to me.</p>
<p>The 14 points above come from an extremely painful personal experience. I know what it’s like to fall and not be able to get up. Over the last four years, I have had to learn how to tear down my emotional walls – walls that assisted me in getting in trouble in the first place.<br><br>I have come to understand the problem with pedestals and have wrestled with the mechanics of forgiveness, even forgiving me.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>As difficult as it is, I now embrace my past and appreciate the many regrets. They have become precious to me. As a result of my actions, I have accumulated many scars and now try to learn from each and everyone of them.<br><br>I have hit “rock bottom” and realized something amazing in the process. God is still here, even if others are not.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em><strong>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</strong></em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="Before You Cheat, 14 Things You Need To Know" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://rodarters.wordpress.com/2012/11/29/before-you-cheat-14-things-you-need-to-know/" target="_blank"><em>Before You Cheat, 14 Things You Need To Know</em></a> by <a contents="Rod Arters" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://rodarters.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Rod Arters</a>. Click on Mr. Arters' name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/50562722020-06-22T18:10:00-04:002022-04-05T18:40:20-04:00How To Break Up With Someone Without Being a Jerk<p><em>How To Break Up With Someone Without Being A Jerk</em> by Coach Lee. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/9d4c292711b29d68190a7a58ea810df574da898f/medium/how-to-break-up-with-someone-without-being-a-jerk.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Let me preface this article by speaking directly to you, the person who thinks you want to break up with someone. <br><br>I want you to know that in my business, I’ve found that many times people want to leave a good thing for the wrong reasons. “But that’s not me,” you’re thinking. I’ve got a good reason. Maybe you do, but I also want you to consider and entertain the idea that maybe you don’t.<br><br>Maybe, just maybe, you are going through a down time in your relationship that is a normal and natural part of being in love. Maybe it’s not as exciting as it once was. Maybe you are unsure of the future or maybe you are looking at another person through grass-is-greener eyes and thinking that it would possibly be better to be with that person than the person you are with now and with whom you want to break up. <br><br>A lot of times people who break up with someone find out later that they left a good thing. So all that I want to say to you is that you need to be sure. Does this relationship belong in the trash heap? Or could it be salvaged. Do the two of you just need a vacation away together? Do you need a heart-to-heart conversation? Do you need to tell this person what you need that you are not getting?<br><br>Yes, communication is important and that means that you do not expect the other person to read your mind but use language to tell them what you want and need if you aren’t getting it (and them tell you as well). <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The bottom line is, the odds are your relationship can be saved. There is a lot of value in a long, stable relationship and I hope that you do not realize that too late. You aren’t perfect either. Reconsider. Don’t make life harder than it has to be. <br><br>So You Want To Break Up With Him/Her? <br><br>Breaking up with someone is usually an awkward, painful and depressing event. Sure, sometimes it can be refreshing but if we wanted the relationship to work and have come to realize that it won’t, it can be a very sad time. <br><br>Most of us don’t want to hurt the other person when we break up with them. In fact sometimes we allow the relationship to go on longer than we feel we should because we don’t want to hurt that person, especially if that person has strong feelings for us that are no longer reciprocated. <br><br>So how might a decent human being approach this difficult situation? It will come up for the majority of us, even if it is simply us deciding we don’t want a third date. So we’d better be prepared. I’ve been on both sides of this dramatic dance and have compiled this list to help walk you through the process if you decide you must break up with someone. <br><br><br>1. Make sure you really want to break up.<br><br>All relationships go through down times and you need to make sure this is not simply a temporary dip. Take your time and do your best to picture your life without being in your current relationship with this person.<br><br>Decide whether or not the issues that have you wanting to break up are based on current circumstances or if they are permanent issues that cause you to feel the two of you are best served by going your separate ways. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Sleep on your decision. <br><br><br>2. If you’ve gotten past the first part and know that you need to break up with this person then you need to plan your words and timing carefully.<br><br>The Golden Rule says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you." So your top priority needs to be ending your dating status with this person with grace and love, even though it will not be romantic love. You need to break up with them “as you would have them” break up with you.<br><br>No one wants to be dumped, but if it’s going to happen there’s certainly some ways that we would rather not experience.<br><br>Most of us don’t want to hurt the other person when we break up with them. If we do want to hurt someone then we need to step back and evaluate our own emotional, mental, and spiritual health. It’s going to hurt them no matter what, so it’s best for us to try to hurt them as little as possible. Now is not the time for vengeance. <br><br>We should treat others with care. So that means we don’t break up with them in an email or voice mail or text and don’t ghost them. We should give them respect and care by talking with that person face to face. So choose to care and show compassion toward the person you’re about to break up with. <br><br><br>3: Sometimes in an effort to show compassion, you might end up leading the other person on.<br><br>That means that instead of ending the relationship as planned, you are talked into hanging on a little longer because you don’t want to hurt the other person. Usually this ends up causing more pain in the long run. So let me encourage you to refer back to the first rule and if you are certain you want to break up then do nothing less.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s like ripping off a band aid. It certainly hurts but it isn’t prolonging the pain by a timid series of attempts. So make a clean break if breaking up is what you want to do. It’s better to allow the other person to start the healing process then to give them false hope. <br><br>Tell that person that you care about them but want to break up. Use language that is clear and without loopholes so that they will know what they’re facing. Wish them the best. Tell them you’re sorry. Then leave.<br><br>Don’t make this a long process because by dragging out the meeting you only allow them to think they might be able to talk you into staying in the relationship. It’s also common that they will want a continual series of last kisses, hugs, or other forms of affection. You don’t want to hurt them so you might give in and this will only confuse each of you and cause more pain to the person on the other end of the break up.<br><br>Words are enough. Keep a cool head, be polite and sensitive and then walk away. <br><br><br>4. This part is not much easier than the others.<br><br>You need to set up boundaries that you don’t want the other person to cross. <br><br>If you know the other person still wants to get back together with you, you will need to be considerate enough to them that you don’t accidentally give them hope that you also want to reconcile. So for the first several months especially, if you do interact with your ex you’ll need to focus on limiting your interactions to small talk.<br><br>It’s important you don’t undo the clean break from the third step with your words. <br><br>It is my opinion that both people have to be on exactly the same page if a friendship is ever to come from the ended relationship. It’s possible, but rare and difficult. So take that part very slowly. Sometimes, if your ex is ever going to emotionally move on, you must limit your friendship and contact.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>That might sound harsh but it can sometimes be the price paid for a romantic relationship that went bust. <br><br>If you have mutual friends it would be wise to be very careful with your words around them because it’s likely your ex, if he/she wants to get back together, will be probing them for words you said that might suggest you want them back.<br><br>Don’t share the details with mutual friends. You’re better than that, right? You know that could end up getting back to your ex and hurt feelings. It’s not necessary. Share with someone who does not know your ex if you must, but don’t keep talking about it constantly. <br><br><br>5. Life goes on.<br><br>It does but that doesn’t mean you jump into another relationship the day after initiating a break up. Only you will know when the time is right but it’s not healthy for you to intentionally start another romantic relationship quickly. <br><br>It’s also not fair to your ex. For example, it would be very unfair for them to see you kissing another person only a couple of days after you broke up with them. It might cause them to believe you were cheating on them with that person while the two of you were together. That can delay the healing process and cause a tremendous addition of unnecessary pain. <br><br>So be fair to yourself and your ex by taking the post breakup stage slowly. Give yourself time to be with friends and time to be emotionally ready for another relationship if that is what you want. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>No one wants to break up with someone but it’s usually part of life. Don’t be reckless with other people’s feelings. But don’t be controlled by them either.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="How To Break Up With Someone Without Being A Jerk" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://myexbackcoach.com/break-up-with-someone-without-being-a-jerk/" target="_blank"><em>How To Break Up With Someone Without Being A Jerk</em></a> by <a contents="Coach Lee" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://myexbackcoach.com/author/lee/" target="_blank">Coach Lee</a>. Coach Lee helps people get their ex back after a breakup and keep them back. For information on scheduling a private coaching call with him or to read free articles on how to get your ex back, visit <a contents="MyExBackCoach.com" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://myexbackcoach.com/" target="_blank">MyExBackCoach.com</a><br><br>--- </p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on<em> <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a></em>, <em><a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em>or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"><strong>email list</strong></a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375742020-06-20T13:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:40:23-04:0010 Ways To Make Her Feel Special<p><em>10 ways to make your girl feel special</em> by James Michael Sama. See details below.</p>
<p>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/f8da8e8d6a521e190cc92cd374bda02304df7c89/medium/10-ways-to-make-her-feel-special.jpg?1438790044" class="size_m justify_center border_" />I think it often goes overlooked is that a woman like this won’t just be with any schmuck. If you want a woman who is genuinely special, you should be treating her that way.<br><br><br><strong>1. Make her feel beautiful, every day</strong></p>
<p>This one seems obvious. Internet Romeos everywhere are reading this going “Hey man, I call girls beautiful every day!” I don’t mean just telling a woman she’s beautiful – any guy can do that.<br><br>I mean make her deeply feel, in her heart, that you think she is the most heart-wrenchingly beautiful woman you’ve ever laid your eyes on.</p>
<p>Women are not often as confident as they come across. You need to reinforce her, no matter what.<br><br>It doesn’t matter if she just got stung by a bee and her entire face is swollen like a basketball, she is still beautiful, and you damn well better act like it.</p>
<p>It’s not just in what you say – it’s in what you don’t say. It’s in how you look at her, how you talk to her, and how you touch her. Make her feel what you don’t need to say, instead of just hearing what you do say.</p>
<p><br><strong>2. Be honest</strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>This is another big one. It may not seem like it, because honesty should be a quality that you express towards everyone in your daily life – but being honest with a woman you care about will show her that you respect her enough to be straight up with her.</p>
<p>Choose your words carefully, don’t express your honesty in a way that would hurt her feelings, but make sure she knows that she’ll get a straight answer when she comes to you for one, no matter what it’s about.</p>
<p><br><strong>3. Kiss her. And not just on the lips</strong></p>
<p>Now’s the time to get your mind out of the gutter – When was the last time you gave your girl a kiss on the forehead? On the nose? On her hand?</p>
<p>Sometimes these actions speak even louder volumes than a kiss on the lips. They show her you want to be close to her, and you care about her. Plus, they’re more appropriate in public, so you can show her affection and not be arrested by the PDA police.</p>
<p><br><strong>4. Don’t compare her to other women</strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>There’s really no reason to do this in the first place – but a woman shouldn’t be made to feel that she’s the ‘best’ out of ‘all the other girls’ because it implies that there are, or have been, other girls. We’re all adults, we realize everyone has a past, but there’s no point in bringing it up.</p>
<p>Instead of making your girl feel like the ‘best’ girl – make her feel like the only girl, because she is.</p>
<p><br><strong>5. Don’t miss the little things</strong></p>
<p>Chivalry is a common theme in my blog posts – but that’s because it’s a big one. Often times the small things you do for a woman are the ones that count the most, because it shows you’re willing to put in effort for her just because you want to, and not due to a special occasion or event.</p>
<p>Don’t let the little things fade. The opening of doors and pulling out of chairs, holding her hand no matter how long you’ve been together, hugging her from behind for no reason – all speak louder than words you can say.</p>
<p><br><strong>6. Listen</strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>In a healthy relationship, each partner relies on the other for love, guidance, and advice. Sometimes, just taking the time to genuinely listen to what she has to say, and not saying anything at all – will say more to her than your words ever could.</p>
<p>If a woman is complaining to you, remember that it means she trusts you enough to express her feelings to you. Don’t betray that trust.</p>
<p><br><strong>7. Start, and end your day with her</strong></p>
<p>Even if you can’t see each other every day, by sending her a simple text when you wake up, and before you go to bed, she will know she’s the first and last person you think of every day. That is priceless.</p>
<p><br><strong>8. Give her massages</strong></p>
<p>I never thought I’d have to put this one in here, I give my girlfriend some type of massage literally every time I’ve seen her in over a year of being together. Yet, when girls talk about getting a massage from their boyfriend it’s like it’s some special occasion saved for birthdays and holidays.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>It’s not that hard, guys. She’ll appreciate it, and return the favor…</p>
<p><br><strong>9. Respect her wishes</strong></p>
<p>You may not always agree with everything your girlfriend says or does. But, mutual respect is the backbone of any healthy relationship. Speaking of backbone – respecting her wishes doesn’t mean sacrificing yours, but it does mean being willing to bend it a little bit for her. You don’t always need to get your way. Plus, you might learn something from her.</p>
<p><br><strong>10. Remember the little details</strong></p>
<p>Whether it’s the date you met, the song that always makes her cry, that craving for french fries she gets once every 6 months, or that perfume she loves – paying attention to small details and doing something about it to surprise her, will show your woman that when she talks, you hear her.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>It shows her that no matter how busy your life is, despite the pressure you get at work, or the millions of other things you need to worry about – she holds a special place in your heart, and your mind. A place uncluttered by the other noise in your day, or the hectic life you probably both live.</p>
<p>A place reserved just for her – and that, gentlemen, is special.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a></p>
<p>This article originally appeared as <a contents="10 ways to make your girl feel special" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2013/09/09/10-ways-to-make-your-girl-feel-special/" target="_blank"><em>10 ways to make your girl feel special</em></a> by <a contents="James Michael Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com" target="_blank">James Michael Sama</a>. Mr. Sama did a great job with this article! Click on Mr. Sama's name and follow him on the social networks!</p>
<p><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37924222020-06-18T20:25:00-04:002022-04-05T18:40:42-04:00To The Girl Who Replaced Me, Please Take Care Of Him<p><em>To The Girl Who Replaced Me, Please Take Care Of Him</em> by Kirsten Corley. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/da5dd28377312b60b54bb0234261317ba1fcc4e8/medium/to-the-girl-who-replaced-me-please-take-care-of-him.jpg?1504824233" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Dear Replacement,<br><br>There are a few things I think you should know, as you are now the object of his affection.<br><br>Don’t let it surprise you, how quickly you fall for him, and don’t be apprehensive in letting yourself fall. He’ll be there to catch you.<br><br>Don’t let my Facebook page intimidate you. There were a lot of pictures of us, and while I hate to admit it, the pictures are a thing of the past.<br><br>He’s taken down most of them by now. He may not talk about me to you; he didn’t talk to his friends about it when it ended, so I don’t know if they will know either.<br><br>It was a beautiful, one-sided love story of the past, but you are his future now.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We don’t know each other, and I am sure you already don’t like me. I resented you slightly when I first found out, but we do have something very wonderful in common, and it connects us whether we like to admit it or not.<br><br>I won’t text him or like his posts on social media. I can’t tell you every secret because it took me time to figure that out myself. But just trust that there are reasons he doesn’t say what you want him to, and there are reasons he doesn’t do what you want.<br><br>He will spoil you from time to time, but he is wise with his expenses; he spends money only when he needs to. You are going notice how he gets excited like a child when it comes to certain things and learn to hear giggle in his laugh.<br><br>You’ll find out his favorite movie and he’ll make you sit through it; I know I couldn’t without falling asleep. You’ll notice how he loves watching movies and how he might do it more than going out.<br><br>You will see him out drunk and he’ll get mad sometimes. He has a temper, as I’m sure you have noticed, so don’t take it personally. When he storms off, let him go and trust he’ll always come back with a smile and his bright blue eyes that make you look away.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When he falls in love with you, let it not scare you when he cries because that’s the one thing that triggers those emotions in him. When he falls in love with you, you’ll notice you sleep better at night, and when it rains, his touch simply will vanish every fear.<br><br>When that happens, you’ll almost look forward to simple things, such as walks because he’ll reach for your hand and you’ll blush because no glove has ever fit it so well.<br><br>He’ll do whatever you ask of him and you’ll rarely fight. He doesn’t like advertising things like relationships and feelings, so don’t expect that of him, just know he does love you. He may not think of you at every moment, but you’ll cross his mind often enough.<br><br>He has bigger dreams than he is confident enough to believe in, so it’s your job to tell him every day how handsome he is and how smart he is and that he is capable of it all. He won’t believe you, but don’t stop saying it.<br><br>He’ll make you see the world in a new light, and you’ll start questioning things you never knew. He can’t cook, so don’t expect him to. You’ll find yourself laughing at his little catchphrases, and if you do something he doesn’t like, one eyebrow will raise and he’ll look at you without blinking.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you two are out, he’ll watch you the whole time and it’ll seem like you are the only one in the room. When you dance, it’ll seem perfect. Let none of this scare you and love him the way he deserves.<br><br>He’ll tell you about the past and his mistakes, so it’s your job to take his hand and let him know you’re not judging him.<br><br>He is a better person because of all of that, and he’s found you because of failed relationships in the past. I hope you love him the way he deserves and I hope he loves you as deeply as I thought he did me.<br><br>I hope he’s honest with you in a way he never was with me, but most of all, I hope he gives you the fairytale I thought would once be my life.<br><br>Also: Remember that I don’t dislike you, but if I’m being honest, I am jealous of you. I have found acceptance, but I’m also happy someone else gets a chance to experience what I did.<br><br>I hope one day I can properly meet you. Like I said before, we have a connection that no one else can say they have and I’m sure you are a wonderful person. He looks at who a girl is first before falling in love with her appearance. It’s a rare quality in a man.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I only ask one thing of you: Don’t hurt him the way he hurt me. I believe in karma and I believe people get what they send out to the world, but I never wish that pain upon anyone, especially him. You are dating the man of our dreams and I truly mean it when I say I hope it all works out for you.<br><br><br>Sincerely,<br>The Other Girl<br><br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as, <a contents="To The Girl Who Replaced Me, Please Take Care Of Him" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/letter-girl-replaced/707040/" target="_blank"><em>To The Girl Who Replaced Me, Please Take Care Of Him</em></a> by <a contents="Kirsten Corley" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/kcorley/" target="_blank">Kirsten Corley</a>. A great article at Elite Daily. Click on Ms. Corley's name to follow her on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>
<p> </p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/50451742020-06-17T13:30:00-04:002022-04-05T18:40:53-04:003 Signs You're In a Toxic Relationship<p>Excerpt from Mark Manson's <a contents="How to Let Go" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go" target="_blank"><em>How to Let Go</em></a>. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/87c4493ecc7a8caab2d24abbafcfe8731cc9e729/medium/3-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-relationship.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />YOU MIGHT BE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP IF… <br><br>For those of you freaking out that your relationship might be toxic and ruining your breakfast every morning, here’s a handy little gray box to help you figure it out. </p>
<p>1. You can’t imagine having a happy life without your relationship.<br><br>A toxic relationship is a deal with the devil. You resign your identity and self-worth to this person or this thing, and in return, that relationship is supposed to offer the meaning and purpose for your life that you so desperately crave.<br><br>But what you don’t realize is that by sacrificing your identity to one person or thing (or one person-thing, not here to judge), the relationship generates more insecurity, not less. It envelopes your life, demanding all of your time and attention, rendering all other meaning moot, all other relationships worthless. </p>
<p>If the thought of losing your relationship feels as though your life would be over, then you’re probably cocooned in a toxic relationship. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>And look, it’s not just people who are toxic. Workplaces can be toxic. Family members can be toxic. Groups such as churches, political groups, self-help seminars—you can have a toxic relationship with all of them.<br><br><br>2. The relationship harms other relationships in your life.<br><br>Toxic relationships are flames that consume all of the oxygen from our hearts, suffocating the other relationships in our lives. A toxic relationship soon becomes the lens in which you view all other relationships in your life.<br><br>Nights out with friends are dominated by unloading the drama and baggage you’ve accumulated since you last saw them. You find yourself unable to hold conversations that don’t relate to your relationship for more than a few minutes.<br><br>Compared to your toxic relationship, the world feels like a cold, bland, grey mess. You couldn’t care less. You find yourself compulsively thinking about your relationship, even in places where it’s irrational or inappropriate—at a basketball game, in the middle of a job interview, while calling your mother on a Tuesday, while listening to your kid’s shitty violin recital. Nothing else matters. Nothing else feels like it should matter. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When enrapt in a toxic relationship, friends will find you selfish and unbearable, family members will disapprove and then quietly distance themselves. Some friends or family may try to help, telling you that your relationship is hurting you, but this will usually make things worse, not better.<br><br>Outside people’s attempts to intervene will only be interpreted as more drama to stoke the toxic flame. <br><br><br>3. The more you love you give, the more hurt and angry you become.<br><br>Because the drama is always calling the toxic relationship into question, the relationship demands all of your thought and energy. But then the relationship only punishes you further for this thought and energy, enabling a downward spiral of crap.<br><br>Toxic relationships are black holes. Not only do they suck you in deeper and deeper, but they have their own force of gravity. Any attempt to break away just stokes the drama flame further, which then sucks you right back to where you began. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Toxic relationships often have a “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” quality to them. When you’re in them, you can’t wait to get away from them. But when you’re away from them, because you’ve lost your identity, you have no idea what to do without them. <br><br><br>WHY IT’S HARDER TO LET GO OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS THAN HEALTHY ONES <br><br>Toxic relationships are addictive because drama is addictive. Like narcotics or gambling, drama is unpredictable; it is numbing and distracting, and it hits you with unexpected rewards of joy or excitement. </p>
<p>What’s worse, is that we become desensitized to drama. We need to find greater and greater conflicts to prove to ourselves that we’re loved. The old conflicts will no longer suffice. You started out with a fight about who takes out the garbage. Now he takes out the garbage.<br><br>But you still feel insecure and unloved. So you start a fight over how often he calls his mother. So he stops calling his mother (around you at least). But that insecurity remains. So you must up the ante again. Time to piss in his favorite pair of shoes and see how he takes that. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Eventually, the drama reaches a boiling point and the relationship will begin to painfully evaporate, scalding everyone involved. <br><br>Read another post: <em><a contents="Don't Apologize For Loving – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Don't Apologize For Loving – Not Ever! </a></em></p>
<p>This is an excerpt from an article that first appeared as <a contents="How To Let Go" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go" target="_blank"><em>How To Let Go</em></a> by Mark Manson. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks! </p>
<p>--- </p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <em><a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a></em>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em></a>,<em> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list </a>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/50451692020-06-14T05:50:00-04:002022-04-05T18:41:05-04:00How To Let Go: Dealing With Loss<p><em>How To Let Go</em> by Mark Manson. See details below.<br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/bdff2f4e2e634e489aad4d05bfdd99301b871e67/medium/how-to-let-go-dealing-with-loss.png" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Recently, my wife and I passed by the spot of one of our first dates. For the next few minutes, we smiled and reminisced and rehashed a small happy sliver of our overall shared story. That date had been absolutely magical. One of those nights you dream about when you’re an awkward teenager, but as a young adult, you begin to assume it will just never happen. </p>
<p>And then it does. A night that you only get to experience maybe a couple times in your life, if you’re lucky. </p>
<p>And with that realization, to my surprise, I began to experience a faint sort of sadness. I grieved over a tiny loss of myself—that cocky, self-assured 27 year old who walked into that restaurant having no idea what lay before him. The infinite potential that lay before us. The intensity of emotion that I didn’t know what to do with. </p>
<p>The two people we were that night were now gone. And they would never come back. I would never get to meet my wife for the first time again. I would never get to fall wildly in love in a way that both excited and terrified me at the same time. There was a sweet, cocky ignorance to my younger self that has been irrevocably lost. And despite being lost for the best reasons, it still made me sad. For a few moments, I silently mourned my past the way one mourns a distant relative’s death. </p>
<p>And then I moved on. </p>
<p>I’m no stranger to loss. I don’t think any of us are. I’ve watched family members and friends die. I’ve had romantic relationships end in a spectacular explosion and I’ve had them end in a long, drawn out silence. I’ve lost friendships, jobs, cities, and communities. I’ve lost beliefs—in both myself and others. </p>
<p>Every loss is a form of death. In every case, there once existed an experience—a thing, an idea, a person—that brought your life meaning. And now it no longer exists. </p>
<p>As such, coping with loss always involves the same dynamics. In every case—whether it’s the loss of a friendship, a career, a limb, whatever—we are forced to reckon with the fact that we will never experience something or someone again. We are forced to feel an internal emptiness and to accept our pain. We are forced to confront that horrible, horrible word: “Never.” </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>“Never” hurts because never means that it can’t be changed. We like to think that things can be changed. It makes us feel better. <br>“Just work a little bit harder!” <br>“You just have to want it enough!” </p>
<p>These phrases give us a lil’ boot in the ass. They say if you don’t like it, get out there and change it. </p>
<p>But “never” means it’s over. It’s gone. And that’s really hard to bear. You can’t bring a dead person back to life. You can’t restart a broken relationship. You can’t fix a wasted youth or redo a past mistake or un-say the words that destroyed a friendship. </p>
<p>When it’s gone, it’s gone. And it will never be the same, no matter what you do. And this, in a real psychological sense, destroys a small piece of you. A piece that must eventually be rebuilt. <br><br><br>EVERY LOSS IS A PARTIAL LOSS OF WHO YOU ARE <br><br>One of the most common emails I get from readers is from people who want to get their ex back. Some of them word it more nicely than that—they say they want to “make things up” or “fix things,” but really it comes down to, “He/she left me and it hurts; what do I say or do to get them back?” </p>
<p>This question never made sense to me. For one, if there was a tried-and-true way to get an ex back, then no one would ever break up or divorce. The world would be flooded with happily married couples. And I’d probably be out of a job. </p>
<p>But more importantly, trying to “win” back an ex is impossible because even if “it works,” the reformed relationship will never resemble the one of the past: it will be a fragile, contrived affair, composed of two wholly different and skeptical individuals, replaying the same problems and dramas over and over, while being constantly reminded of why things failed in the first place. </p>
<p>When I think of all of the happy couples I know, you know how many of them say, “Oh, he was a total piece of crap, but then he apologized and bought me cake and flowers and now we’re happily married”? </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>None of them. </p>
<p>What these emailers don’t get is that relationships don’t end because two people did something wrong to each other. Relationships end because of two people are something wrong for each other. <br><br>We’ve all been through breakups before. And we’ve all, in our moments of weakness, pined for our exes, written embarrassing emails/text messages, drank too much vodka on a Tuesday night, and silently cried to that one 80s song that reminds us of them. </p>
<p>But why do breakups hurt so bad? And why do we find ourselves feeling so lost and helpless in their wake? This article will be covering coping with all loss, but because the loss of intimate relationships (partners and family members) is by far the most painful form of loss, we will primarily be using those as examples throughout. </p>
<p>But first, we need to understand why loss sucks so bad. So I’m going to whip out an epic bullet point list to set everything straight: </p>
<p>To be healthy, functioning individuals, we need to feel good about ourselves. To feel good about ourselves, we need to feel that our time and energy is spent meaningfully. Meaning is the fuel of our minds. When you run out of it, everything else stops working. <br><br>The primary way we generate meaning is through relationships. Note that I’ll be using the term “relationship” loosely throughout this article. We don’t just have relationships with other people (although those relationships tend to be the most meaningful to us), we also have relationships with our career, with our community, with groups and ideas that we identify with, activities we engage in, and so on. All of these relationships can potentially give our lives meaning and, therefore, make us feel good about ourselves. <br><br>Our relationships don’t just give our lives meaning, they also define our understanding of ourselves. I am a writer because of my relationship with writing. I am a son because of my relationship with my parents. I am an American because of my relationship with my country. If any of these things get taken from me—like, let’s say I get shipped to North Korea by accident (oops) and can’t write anymore—it will throw me into a mini identity crisis because the activity that has given my life so much meaning the past decade will no longer be available to me (that and, you know, being stuck in North Korea). <br><br>When one of these relationships is destroyed, that part of our identity is destroyed along with it. Consequently, the more meaning the relationship added to my life, the more significant its role in my identity, the more crippling the loss will be if/when I lose it. Since personal relationships generally give us the most meaning (and therefore, happiness), these are the relationships that hurt the most when lost. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When we lose a relationship, that meaning is stripped away from us. Suddenly this thing that created so much meaning in our life no longer exists. As a result, we will feel a sense of emptiness where that meaning used to be. We will start to question ourselves, to ask whether we really know ourselves, whether we made the right decision. In extreme circumstances, this questioning will become existential. We will ask whether our life is actually meaningful at all. Or if we’re just wasting everybody’s oxygen.<br><br>This feeling of emptiness—or more accurately, this lack of meaning—is more commonly known as depression. Most people believe that depression is a deep sadness. This is mistaken. While depression and sadness often occur together, they are not the same thing. Sadness occurs when something feels bad. Depression occurs when something feels meaningless. When something feels bad, at least it has meaning. In depression, everything becomes a big blank void. And the deeper the depression, the deeper the lack of meaning, the deeper the pointlessness of any action, to the point where a person will struggle to get up in the morning, to shower, to speak to other people, to eat food, etc. <br><br>The healthy response to loss is to slowly but surely construct new relationships and bring new meaning into one’s life. We often come to refer to these post-loss periods as “a fresh start,” or “a new me,” and this is, in a literal sense, true. You are constructing a “new you” by adopting new relationships to replace the old. <br><br>The unhealthy response to loss is refuse to admit that part of you is dead and gone. It’s to cling to the past and desperately try to recover it or relive it in some way. People do this because their entire identity and self-respect was wrapped up in that missing relationship. They feel that they are incapable or unworthy of loving and meaningful relationships with someone or something else going forward. <br><br>Ironically, the fact that many people are not able to love or respect themselves is almost always the reason their relationship failed in the first place. <br><br><br>TOXIC VS HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS <br><br>To dive into why some people have such a hard time letting go, we need to understand a simple dichotomy: A toxic relationship is when two people are emotionally dependent on each other—that is, they use each other for the approval and respect they are unable to give themselves. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>A healthy relationship is when two people are emotionally interdependent with each other—that is, they approve of and respect each other because they approve of and respect themselves. <br><br>Toxic relationships need drama to survive. Toxic people, because they don’t love or respect themselves, are never quite able to completely accept the idea that someone else could love and respect them either. And if someone comes around giving them love and respect, they don’t trust it or won’t accept it. It’s kind of like that old Groucho Marx trope: “I’d never join a club that would have me as a member.” </p>
<p>Ergo, toxic people are only able to accept affection from people who don’t love and respect them either. </p>
<p>Now, when you have an emotional clusterfuck like this—two people who don’t love and respect themselves OR each other—then obviously, they begin to feel really insecure around each other. What if she leaves me? What if she realizes I’m a loser? What if she disapproves of the pizza toppings I ordered? </p>
<p>As such, these people need a way to consistently test whether or not the other person actually wants to be with them. These tests are accomplished by creating drama. </p>
<p>Drama is when someone creates unnecessary conflict that generates a false sense of meaning for a short period of time. When a toxic person fucks up their own relationship and their partner forgives them and overlooks it, it causes an otherwise shitty relationship to feel non-shitty for a short period of time. And that feeling causes the relationship to feel really meaningful.They say to themselves, “Wow, I gave his dog away, and he’s still with me. This must be true love.” And everything is rosy and peachy and some other pleasant-sounding color…for a while. </p>
<p>Because drama doesn’t last. The underlying insecurity remains. So pretty soon, the toxic couple will need another injection of drama to keep the farce of a meaningful relationship going. </p>
<p>Healthy relationships avoid drama because they find that unnecessary conflict detracts from the meaning and importance already generated by the relationship. Healthy people simply don’t tolerate drama. They expect each other to take responsibility for themselves. Only then can they really take care of each other. </p>
<p>Healthy relationships, instead of inventing conflict to affirm their love and mutual support, minimize conflict to make more room for the love and support that is already there. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Let’s go back to the example of my nostalgia for when I met my wife. If our relationship was toxic and I was perpetually insecure in my relationship, I could have responded to my small amount of sadness and grief by picking a fight with my wife, blaming her for the loss of that young excitement and new-relationship passion, bitching at her that things aren’t the way they used to be. </p>
<p>The resultant drama would do two things: 1) it would give me a sense of meaning again; here I am, fighting for a more passionate, exciting relationship with my wife! And she has to agree with me and do something about it! And 2) after being a total jerk to her for an hour or three, the fact that she defended herself, placated me, or made an effort to resolve the (imaginary) conflict, would once again prove to me that she loves me and all would be right in my heart’s world…at least until I started feeling insecure again. </p>
<p>Another toxic response is to simply decide that if my wife can’t give me that new excitement, then I’ll just go find it outside the marriage. Banging some rando would reaffirm my insecure feelings of being unloved and unwanted. For a while, at least. And I would tell myself all sorts of entitled bullshit, like “I deserve” to feel that newness and excitement with a woman again. And that ultimately, it’s my wife’s fault that my heart (a.k.a., penis) strayed. </p>
<p>But instead of all this, being the healthy couple we are, I simply mentioned something like, “Wow, weren’t those nights together great? I kind of miss them…” And then silently reminded myself that relationships evolve, that the joy and benefits of love in week three are not the same as the joy and benefits in year three or decade three. And that’s fine. Love grows and expands and changes, and just because you possessed a fleeting excitement, does not mean it was better. Or even necessary at all. <br><br><br>WHY IT’S HARDER TO LET GO OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS THAN HEALTHY ONES <br><br>Toxic relationships are addictive because drama is addictive. Like narcotics or gambling, drama is unpredictable; it is numbing and distracting, and it hits you with unexpected rewards of joy or excitement. </p>
<p>What’s worse, is that we become desensitized to drama. We need to find greater and greater conflicts to prove to ourselves that we’re loved. The old conflicts will no longer suffice. You started out with a fight about who takes out the garbage. Now he takes out the garbage. But you still feel insecure and unloved. So you start a fight over how often he calls his mother. So he stops calling his mother (around you at least). But that insecurity remains. So you must up the ante again. Time to piss in his favorite pair of shoes and see how he takes that. </p>
<p>Eventually, the drama reaches a boiling point and the relationship will begin to painfully evaporate, scalding everyone involved. </p>
<p>But something else happens when we’re caught up in a drama spiral. As we up the ante and the drama increases, we become more emotionally dependent on the person, not less. We invest so much into the drama that we come to believe that our partner is far more important to our well being than they actually are. </p>
<p>Drama is therefore a psychological prism—a funhouse mirror—skewing the meaning that a relationship brings us. In our eyes, this person or this group or this activity is everything we need, when in reality, it’s probably the one relationship that likely harms us the most. </p>
<p>Incidentally, people who don’t know how to let go of a relationship are often those who were in a relationship with someone who was either abusive or completely disinterested. That’s because, in these relationships, a breakup changes nothing. When they were together, the person spent all of their time and energy trying to win their partner over. After they split, they continue spending all of their time and energy trying to win their partner over. Same crap, different day. </p>
<p>Similarly, people who are unable to accept the loss of their relationship will badger their ex and instigate drama with them to re-live the sensation of that relationship. But they need to create that drama again and again to keep that feeling alive. </p>
<p>Drama, of course, can infect other relationships as well. People create drama at work to overcome their insecurity of not being valuable or appreciated. People create drama with authorities or governments when they feel an existential insecurity. And people create drama with themselves when they imagine they aren’t living up to some sort of past glory. <br><br><br>HOW TO GET BETTER AT ACCEPTING LOSS <br><br>STEP 1: UNDERSTAND THAT OUR MEMORIES LIE TO US AND CONVINCE US THAT EVERYTHING WAS TOTALLY AWESOME BACK THEN, EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T. <br><br>I graduated university in 2007, a.k.a., the worst job market in four generations. I struggled after school. I had no money. Most of my friends moved away. And boy, did I miss school. School had been easy. It had been fun. And I was good at it. </p>
<p>Then I went back. I had some friends who were a year behind me, and I spent a day visiting them, hanging out on campus and going to some parties that night. </p>
<p>And man, it was a downer. </p>
<p>I realized something: school had actually kind of sucked. I had just forgotten about all the sucky parts and only remembered the good. Pretty soon I couldn’t wait to go back home and get away. </p>
<p>Our minds have a tendency to only remember the best qualities of our past. We delete the tedious and monotonous and just remember the highlight reel. Ever meet up with an ex a few years later and wonder to yourself, “Me and this person dated?!?” Yeah, that’s because our memories aren’t accurate. </p>
<p>Our brain always thinks that there’s one thing that will make us happy, that there’s one thing that will fix all our problems. And the same way we tend to falsely believe that achieving one goal in the future will make us live happily ever after, we also tend to falsely believe that recapturing something in our past will make us live happily ever after. </p>
<p>But in both cases, our mind is simply reaching for something to remove it from the present. And the present is where happiness is. You know, buried beneath all the bullshit. <br><br><br>STEP 2: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. <br><br>So, your mind is like a chair with a bunch of spindly legs. Some legs are bigger than others. And if enough legs get knocked out, you have to replace them. </p>
<p>Well, relationships are legs on your chair. And when you lose one leg, you need to make the other legs bigger to compensate for its loss. Otherwise, the chair won’t hold your fat ass—which, I guess, in this strange analogy, is your happiness—and you’ll fall over and spill your milkshake.</p>
<p>What that means is you have to reconnect with people who care about you. It’s these people and these activities that will carry us through and be the emotional bulwark as we begin the hard process of rebuilding ourselves. </p>
<p>This sounds easier than it is. Because when you’ve been destroyed by some loss in your life, the last thing you want to do is call up your friends to go get a beer. Or to call mom and admit that you’re a total failure. </p>
<p>This is particularly difficult for people exiting a toxic relationship. That’s because people who have toxic relationships in one area of life often have toxic relationships in other areas. As a result, they don’t have people who appreciate them unconditionally. Everything is drama. And their breakup in one relationship will often merely be used as another form of drama in others. </p>
<p>My recommendation: If you’ve lost one toxic relationship, why stop there? Use your mini personal crisis as a litmus test to see who genuinely cares about you and who’s just in it for the drama injections. Good people and good relationships will offer unconditional support. Toxic friends and family members will look to adopt the drama of your loss and make it theirs as well. This just makes everything worse. <br><br><br>STEP 3: INVEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF. <br><br>Generally, people who depend on toxic relationships for their self-worth do so because they’ve never really developed functioning relationships with themselves.</p>
<p>What do I mean by “relationship with yourself?” </p>
<p>Basically, how do you treat your own body, mind, and emotions? </p>
<p>This is the time to join a gym, to stop eating tubs of ice cream, to get outside and get reacquainted with your old friend called sunshine. It’s the time to sign up for that course you’ve always wanted to sign up for, to read that book that’s been sitting on your nightstand for six months, to finally floss for the first time ever. Now is the time to also let yourself feel sad or angry or guilty without self-judgment. </p>
<p>And if you find it hard to get motivated to do all these things, use your loss as motivation. If you’re the victim of a disgusting breakup, well, self-improvement is the best revenge against any ex. If you’ve lost someone close to you tragically, imagine what they would have wished for you and go out and live it. If you’ve lost something dear to you in your life, or aged out of a time of your life when you felt important and wanted, commit to building something even better for yourself today. <br><br><br>STEP 4: IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND AND COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED TO DO—DO THAT. <br><br>One of the healthiest things you can do after a loss is get back to basics: do something for the simple pleasure of doing it. If no one was around, if you had no obligations on your time or energy at all, what would you spend your time doing? Chances are you aren’t doing much of it. And that’s part of the problem. Get back to it. </p>
<p>Of course, there are some people who have no idea what they would do with their time if they had no obligations or no one to impress. And this is an incredibly dire sign. It implies that everything they’ve ever done is for the simple sake of pleasing others and/or getting something transactional out of their relationships. No wonder their relationships went south. </p>
<p>(If you find yourself in this position, there’s a new course on my site that can help you find that direction you need to get started.) <br><br><br>STEP 5: IF YOU LOST AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, DON’T BE AFRAID TO STAY SINGLE FOR A WHILE. <br><br>After losing an intimate relationship, many people’s natural inclination is to immediately fill the void with either another relationship, or by seeking a bunch of attention, affection, and sex. </p>
<p>This is a bad idea. As it distracts one from the healthy activities listed above. </p>
<p>If you’re on the wrong side of a breakup (or even worse, you lose someone to tragedy), even if the relationship was healthy and secure, you need to time to recuperate emotionally. And it’s hard to do that if you’re immediately throwing your heart to the next person who comes around. </p>
<p>Stay single a while. Learn to spend time on yourself again. And only re-enter the dating world when you’re genuinely excited to. Not because you feel like you have to. <br><br><br>EVENTUALLY, EVERYTHING IS LOST <br><br>Life is a long series of losses. It’s pretty much the only thing that is guaranteed in our existence. From moment to moment, year to year, we give up and leave behind former selves that we will never recover. We lose family, friends, relationships, jobs, and communities. We lose beliefs, experiences, perspectives, and passions. And ultimately, we will one day lose our existence entirely. </p>
<p>If you think back to a hard time in your life, recognize that to get out of those hard times, you had to accept losses. You had to lose relationships and pursuits, you had to lose a lot of meaning in order to create greater, healthier meaning. In that sense, all growth requires a degree of loss. And all loss incites further growth. The two must occur together. </p>
<p>People like to see growth as this euphoric, joyous thing. But it’s not. Real change brings a mixture of emotions with it—a grief of what you’ve left behind along with a satisfaction at what you’ve become. A soft sadness mixed with a simple joy. That night, my wife and I continued walking. And soon, we came across a new restaurant, just opened, that had new things that we wanted to try, new experiences we were prepared to share. </p>
<p>We invited ourselves in.<br><br>Read another post: <a contents="Don't Apologize For Loving – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don't Apologize For Loving – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="How To Let Go" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go" target="_blank"><em>How To Let Go</em></a> by Mark Manson. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br>---</p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Instagram</em></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>Twitter</em></a> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375862020-06-13T06:35:00-04:002023-08-16T15:06:59-04:00Love Is Not Enough: Consider This Before Marriage<p><em>Love Is Not Enough: Important Considerations Before Marriage</em>, by Deb Schwarz Hirschhorn. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/63e607fe9bcedc6676089563fe19c9751b594aa9/medium/love-is-not-enough-consider-this-before-marriage.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Jack had a spring in his step as he headed for home. It was 2 AM, but the night had flown by. He was so in love. Karen was beautiful, inside and out. And, miracle of miracles, she loved him too!<br><br>She had told him that. Tonight, she made it clear. It wasn’t just attraction; it was love! They would spend a lifetime together.<br><br>His head was full of his dreams and plans as he headed home. He couldn’t wait to see her again and texted her right there in the middle of the street at 2 AM. “I luv u; g’nite,” he wrote. “I luv u 2” came back the immediate reply.</p>
<p>Jack and Karen had been dating for six months. They were not teenagers; they were mature adults with responsible jobs. They’d had their share of weird, annoying, or just plain wrong relationships.<br><br>This one was different and they both said so to any friend that would care to listen. They were seeing each other often; at least three times a week. They’d had all the deep and heavy talks.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>They were not living together and neither one wanted to. Perhaps you’d call them romantics; perhaps their religious values just happened to be in alignment, but that was a decision they both agreed on. What they did seem to want was to get married.</p>
<p>The question is: Have they done their due diligence?</p>
<p>Their what? They are not hiring employees! What are you talking about, Dr. Deb?</p>
<p>So let me ask you: In which instance do you have more to lose—making a wrong hire or choosing the wrong mate? See, I thought you’d understand. In fact, if we were wise, we’d all do the due diligence before falling head over heels for someone because it’s an awful lot harder to untangle yourself when you’re in love.<br><br>In fact, once you’re smitten, you will argue with your best instincts; you will ignore the advice of friends; you will deny what you see; and you will forget the arithmetic you learned in third grade (as in adding up 2 + 2).</p>
<p>Allow me to suggest to you four broad areas to take a good look at before getting married:</p>
<p><br><strong>1. Does she or he treat you right?</strong></p>
<p>If he or she ignores you when you’re talking, goes out with others, forgets to invite you to social or family events, isn’t polite, finds fault, wants things his or her own way all the time, doesn’t ask your opinion, blames, criticizes, is sarcastic, flirts with others, forgets your birthday, or a host of other things that you can easily imagine, then he or she may not be treating you right.</p>
<p>I was just talking to a mom about her daughter who is recently engaged. Her daughter’s fiancé expected this mom to pay for the entire wedding, but he wanted only the most expensive hall and caterer. I was surprised.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I thought men weren’t into that so much. No, she told me, this one was. “And how does your daughter feel about it?” was my key question. “She doesn’t agree with him,” this mother came back. “She’s a frugal person. She earns well but wants to save much more than he does.”</p>
<p>Now I was surprised again. How could this couple get this far without having ironed this out? Doesn’t this young man want to please her? The mom explained that her daughter feels she should compromise to make her man happy. Well, that’s lovely. I agree in theory. But what is he donating to the cause? Compromise is a two-way street. If one person always gives in, that person will feel resentful over time.</p>
<p>Marriage is all about giving. That’s first base. It’s not about you; it’s about the other person. No chance of a home run if you can’t get to first base.</p>
<p>Besides love, marriage is a place where laundry and groceries and childcare get done. In order to elevate what could feel like drudgery to something pleasant, maybe even fun, there’s got to be a feeling of teamwork.<br><br>Well before that ring is given, you’ve got to find out just what kind of a team you will be when it comes to finances, parenting, cleaning, and errands. This may be the central most critical part of marriage.</p>
<p><br><strong>2. Do you like his or her family?</strong></p>
<p>You are married to your partner’s family. Is the family nice, kind, friendly, open, accepting, supportive, or fault-finding, rejecting, dysfunctional, and mean?</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Assuming the worst, there are only two ways to handle it: Your partner makes a clean break with the family or you end the relationship. There is no third choice. The clean break is financial, social, psychological, and perhaps geographical. Your partner must be a very strong person to be able to do that.<br><br>The problem with clingy parents whose child will never marry anyone good enough for them is that they have brainwashed their child into thinking that they really do know best.</p>
<p>This is very clever. When their adult child believes parents have their best interests at heart, the child will not question their motives. The child will not be able to break free.</p>
<p>Someone I know was in a relationship that raised eyebrows. I suggested he speak to his girlfriend’s sister’s husband to get the lay of the land about what it’s like to be in that family. After all, that guy will become his brother-in-law eventually, so he’s a good person to ask: an outsider-insider.</p>
<p>A family could seem very lovely and accepting but still not want to let go of their child. At the last minute, they can pull the rug out. How do you prepare?</p>
<p>The answer is: Don’t ignore the tip of the iceberg. In other words, never, ever say, “Oh, that only happened one time.” No! Nothing is out of character. Whatever you observe is always part of a bigger pattern.<br><br>So if your girlfriend’s parents stop a date, or weigh in negatively on your job, your character, your behavior (provided these are all sterling), or throw monkey wrenches into your relationship in any way, be forewarned.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Here’s something that actually happened to Jack. Karen’s parents decided to include her on their vacation. Karen is 26 and certainly doesn’t need to go with her parents. However, they were going to a resort and insisted that it would be such a nice bonding experience to have her for a week, especially before she gets married.<br><br>This just happened to overlap Jack’s two weeks of vacation time, and he had been looking forward to spending it with Karen. Well, at least he’d have the second week, he thought. Then Karen texted him from the hotel to say that they were extending their stay another week.</p>
<p>Do you see the iceberg? When it comes to your partner’s family, your partner had better have your back.</p>
<p><strong>James Russell Lingerfelt’s note: </strong>Please also note how your partner treats her loved ones. How does she treat the people in her life that matter to her most? Does your partner fight or argue a lot? Make cutting remarks? Just simply unkind? Because it’s been my observation that once the puppy love fades, you’ll be treated the same.</p>
<p><br><strong>3. Do you have a lot in common?</strong></p>
<p>Opposites do attract, but research shows that for a marriage to work out, the best foundation is to have religion, work ethic, family values, and other biggies more or less on the same page.</p>
<p>Make a list of what’s important to you and then tag a weight on each item from 1 to 10. Then compare with your partner.</p>
<p><br><strong>4. Are you married for 30 years or are you just dating?</strong></p>
<p>The rules are completely different if you are already married. Elsewhere on this site and on my own site and in my book I’ve talked extensively about turning around a marriage that is in pain.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I’ve talked about healing, reconnecting spiritually, reigniting the passion, and starting over with your own spouse, even when there’s been verbal abuse.</p>
<p>This is because you have created a shared life together; you may even have children together. In the 5, 10, 20, or 30 years or more that have intervened, there is some kind of bond that must be respected.<br><br>Statistics back me up: The one who files for divorce tends to end up more depressed as time goes on than the one who received the papers.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <em>Love Is Not Enough: Important Considerations Before Marriage</em>, by <a contents="Deb Schwarz Hirschhorn" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/important-considerations-before-marriage-0719125" target="_blank">Deb Schwarz Hirschhorn</a>. Dr. Hirschhorn did a great job with this article. Click on her name to follow her on social media.<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375782020-06-12T07:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:41:36-04:0010 Ways To Know You’re Dating The Right Guy<p><em>10 Ways to Know You’re Dating a True Gentleman</em> by James Michael Sama. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/6e769752670b3534d8464bc78254ca8d695c94c7/medium/10-ways-to-know-you-re-dating-the-right-guy.jpg?1504732335" class="size_m justify_center border_" />A man may be able to put across a great image, but it could simply be a cover for hidden shortcomings, or he could just be totally faking it to ‘get the girl.’ Here are some ways to know if you’ve struck gold:<br><br><br><strong>1. A true gentleman values more than just your looks.</strong></p>
<p>Is every compliment from him about a different body part? It doesn’t matter how creative he can be, if a guy’s sole focus is on how you look, or ‘talking dirty,’ see it as a red flag. <br><br>A real man will value your personality, your kindness, your intelligence, and who you are as a person, in general. The things he makes you feel good about will be things that you control, not just results of getting lucky in the gene pool.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. A true gentleman will never be intimidated by your motivation.</strong>
<p>A man who has goals for himself, will want to be with a woman who has goals for her own life, too. He will never feel intimidated or threatened by a woman who goes after what she wants.<br><br>He will want to be part of a power couple, rather than a dictatorship. Be mindful of anyone who tries to keep you from pursuing your dreams.</p>
<p><br><strong>3. A true gentleman will have more interests than just you.</strong></p>
<p>I don’t mean this in a negative way. You should, of course, be a priority in his life – but he needs to have a life as well. Interests, friends, hobbies, aspirations.<br><br>If a man works his entire life around you, it’s another red flag – relationships should be a great part of your life, but not encompass your whole life.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. A true gentleman will give you answers.</strong>
<p>No matter how awkward or uncomfortable a situation is, a real man will approach it, and you, with respect. I have always felt that a mark of a man is how he handles conflict, criticism, and less-than-ideal situations.<br><br>A man will not dance around answers or make excuses. If there is something you two need to talk about, he will talk about it.</p>
<p><br><strong>5. A true gentleman is direct.</strong></p>
<p>In addition to the last point – there will be no mind games or manipulation in your relationship. A man will be direct, to the point, and honest with you…but with kindness.</p>
<p><br><strong>6. A true gentleman will trust you.</strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>As long as you haven’t betrayed his trust, a man will NOT be paranoid, or snoop around invading your privacy to make sure you’re not doing anything bad. He will have confidence in your relationship.<br><br>A boy will project his own insecurities onto you, and like termites in a house, will eat away at the foundation of what you’ve built.</p>
<p><br><strong>7. A true gentleman is cool, calm, and collected.</strong></p>
<p>It should be understood that part of what comes with the territory of having a girlfriend, is dealing with her getting hit on. If you’re at the bar together, or if she’s out with her friends, it goes without saying that your girlfriend will get hit on every once in awhile.</p>
<p>Instead of letting his primate instincts prevail and beating his chest like an angry gorilla to scare off competition, a confident man will calmly make his position known, and understand that you’re still going home with him at the end of the night.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>8. A true gentleman will show you respect.</strong></p>
<p>Nothing signifies an empty shell of a man more than someone who disrespects women, animals, or children. A good man will treat you with the respect that you deserve, never force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, and never mistreat you.<br><br>Be honest enough with yourself to walk away from any situation that is dangerous to you, physically or emotionally.</p>
<p><br><strong>9. A true gentleman will put effort into your relationship.</strong></p>
<p>Boys are generally apathetic and just look for one thing from a woman. A man, will do what it takes to make you happy, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Your happiness, is his reward.</p>
<p><br><strong>10. A true gentleman will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.</strong></p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>A man will empower those around him. He will strive for greatness and therefore inspire others to strive for it as well. This not only includes friends and co-workers, but also significant others.</p>
<p>As Mark Twain said – Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as<em> <a contents="10 Ways to Know You’re Dating a True Gentleman" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2013/11/06/10-ways-to-know-youre-dating-a-real-man/" target="_blank">10 Ways to Know You’re Dating a True Gentleman</a></em> by <a contents="James Michael Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com" target="_blank">James Michael Sama</a>. Mr. Sama does a great job with this article! Click click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37941332020-06-11T08:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:45:13-04:00The Agony Of Realizing That ‘The One’ Is Now Somebody You Used To Know<p><em>The Agony Of Realizing That ‘The One’ Is Now Somebody You Used To Know</em> by Paul Hudson. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/398953935cdbc567c91df9338d7e1e7616de012e/medium/the-agony-of-realizing-that-the-one-is-now-somebody-you-used-to-know.jpg?1438198414" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>To be very happy is to have experienced much sadness. In fact, it isn’t possible to experience true happiness unless you have a true understanding of what it means to be miserable.<br><br>Knowing happiness is to only know one side of the coin; knowing sadness means gaining a new appreciation for the whole thing, entirely.<br><br>Knowing how deep of a hole it’s possible to fall into only elevates you higher when you find yourself on a mountain peak.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And there is no better way to understand the highs and lows of life than to know what it means to be in love.<br><br>To understand love is to understand what it can do to you, how it can make you feel and how it permanently changes a person. Love consumes your life and inevitably is the deciding factor in living either a great or miserable life.<br><br>It isn’t possible to love without feeling the pain that must accompany it. When you think about love and what it means to love a person, you likely only consider all the good feelings, ignoring all the bad. We like to imagine love as the pinnacle of happiness — but that isn’t what love is.<br><br>Love isn’t just the good feelings we experience, but also the awful ones. It’s the entire experience; it’s both the amazing and horrible thing that makes being in love the most exciting and alive you’ll ever feel.<br><br>You neither can nor should try to avoid the sadness of love. There is always some loss associated with loving a person. You don’t want to own them, but to fuse with them, become a part of each other – and because you can never fully become one, you’ll always feel that there is a part of them that you won’t truly know.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There is always a chance of losing them, if not now then somewhere down the line. In fact, you are guaranteed to lose them sooner or later as death has a nasty habit of cutting the ropes that bind two lovers together.<br><br>If death alone is the only force that can separate the two of you then consider yourselves blessed. Sadly, life itself and the decisions we make along the way are often more than enough to mangle the love between two individuals.<br><br>The truth is that relationships sometimes die – and the love that once was goes along with them. Time changes people. People change people. The love that you once had too often fades or burns up in a blaze and the person that once meant the world to you is suddenly a stranger.<br><br>More likely than not, that person no longer even exists. You may find yourself still part of a relationship in which your partner has become a stranger.<br><br>You may have spent the last few years together only to now have to accept that the person you wake up next to every morning isn’t the person you remember once waking up next to. They changed. You changed. The lovers that once were no longer exist.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Finding out that the person you loved is no longer the person you love is an incredibly frightening realization. The two of you, though living in such close quarters, have managed to lose each other.<br><br>Now a decision needs to be made: Do you continue walking forward with this person by your side or do you make a change? Do you find a way to resuscitate that love or do you cut your losses and move on with your life?<br><br>I feel that most people find themselves in a position in which the person they once loved no longer exists. Even if we don’t find ourselves part of a relationship in which we lose our lover, we all look back and realize that one or several of the people we once loved – that were once a huge part of our lives and shaped the people we are now – we no longer know.<br><br>Too many people, even those we at one point deemed to be very important to us, become strangers.<br><br>The thought alone is depressing. Love has to die for it to have any value – just as we, ourselves, have to die in order to have importance. You will one day look back with tears in your eyes at the shadows of the people who made you, you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The memories will fill your heart and then leave you with an emptiness once reality kicks back in. You will feel sad. You will feel pain, but smile: what you are experiencing once again is love.<br><br>These people may no longer be parts of your life. They may no longer even exist, but the love still does – even if in a slightly different form. Feel the pain that those memories bring and then turn the coin over.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article originally appeared as <em><a contents="The Agony Of Realizing That ‘The One’ Is Now Somebody You Used To Know" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/the-one-is-now-somebody-you-used-to-know/744519/" target="_blank">The Agony Of Realizing That ‘The One’ Is Now Somebody You Used To Know</a></em> by <a contents="Paul Hudson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/paul-hudson/" target="_blank">Paul Hudson</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38555172020-06-10T07:30:00-04:002022-04-05T18:45:10-04:007 Differences Between Healthy Couples And Unhealthy Couples<p><em>7 Differences Between Healthy Couples And Unhealthy Couples</em> by Dave Willis. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/12c5a831709dfb9b5966b5284f6069301aa1b7da/medium/7-differences-between-healthy-couples-and-unhealthy-couples.jpeg?1504475187" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Have you ever been hanging out with a married couple and they seem to not only love each other, but they actually seem to like each other too? It’s enjoyable being around them. It’s life-giving and encouraging.<br><br>By contrast, have you ever been around a couple where it was obvious they didn’t like each other very much and the tension made everyone around them feel uncomfortable?<br><br>I think we’ve all been around both kinds of couples, but the real question is, how do we become like the happy couple and not like the unhappy couple? What are the habits or secrets that separate the two?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I’m glad you asked! After observing the behaviors of couples from all over the world, I believe these seven indicators below are some of the clearest ways to measure the current health of your marriage and chart a clearer course towards a healthier and happier relationship.<br><br>In no particular order…<br><br><br>1. Healthy Couples don’t keep secrets. Unhealthy couples hide things from each other regularly. <br><br>A healthy marriage is built on a solid foundation of trust, transparency and honesty. The moment you send a text message, visit a website, make a purchase or have a conversation you hope your spouse never finds out about, you’re already WAY out of bounds!<br><br>Fight for trust in your marriage. It’s the foundation for everything else. For more on this, check out our short video on “How to build an affair-proof marriage.”<br><br><br>2. Healthy couples share everything. Unhealthy couples divide everything up into “his” and hers.”<br><br>Marriage is not 50-50. Divorce is 50-50. Marriage is 100-100. A healthy marriage doesn’t require dividing everything in half, but rather, giving everything you’ve got!<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Unhealthy couples “use” each other while healthy couples look for ways to serve each other. Serve each other generously and selflessly and your marriage might instantly improve.<br><br>3. Healthy couples point out the best in each other. Unhealthy couples point out the worst in each other.<br><br>If you focus on the best in each other, you’ll bring out the best in each other. If you focus on the worst, you’ll bring out the worst in each other. Be each other’s biggest encouragers; not the biggest critics.<br><br>For more on this, listen to a free sample of my “iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” audiobook by clicking here.<br><br><br>4. Healthy couples have conversations. Unhealthy couples have arguments. <br><br>In her latest book, “The Argument-Free Marriage,” Fawn Weaver points out the difference between discussions and arguments. In a discussion, you’re working together towards a common goal, but in an argument, you’re trying to “win’ and cause your spouse to “lose.”<br><br>A marriage needs to be win-win. You share everything, so work together to find a solution.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>5. Healthy couples invest in their marriage regularly. Unhealthy couples always say “someday” they’ll get around to it.<br><br>The happiest couples I know make their marriages a priority. It’s not rocket science, but when you invest in something, it tends to grow. It doesn’t have to be a big financial investment.<br><br>Your time is the great resource you can invest into your relationship. Make time for each other daily. Unplug. Have conversations. Have date nights (even if date night is just Netflix and popcorn on your couch).<br><br><br>6. Healthy couples give each other their best. Unhealthy couples give each other their leftovers.<br><br>Don’t go through your day giving your best time, energy and thoughtfulness to strangers and co-workers only to give your spouse and family your grumpy leftovers at the end of the day. Save your best energies for the people who matter most.<br><br>7. Healthy couples believe in grace in forgiveness. Unhealthy couples believe in keeping score and holding grudges.<br><br>If you keep score in your marriage, you both lose. If you choose to forgive and seek forgiveness, you both win. A marriage can’t survive without a LOT of grace.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you’ve blown it, be quick to apologize, accept responsibility and work to rebuild trust. When your spouse has blown it, be quick to give forgiveness and create opportunities for trust to be rebuilt. Hold hands, not grudges. <br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="7 Differences Between Healthy Couples and Unhealthy Couples" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://sixseeds.patheos.com/davewillis/7-differences-between-healthy-couples-and-unhealthy-couples/" target="_blank"><em>7 Differences Between Healthy Couples and Unhealthy Couples</em></a> by <a contents="Dave Willis" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://sixseeds.patheos.com/davewillis/" target="_blank">Dave Willis</a>. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1px; line-height: 26.8333px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37150702020-06-09T08:30:00-04:002022-08-17T12:32:46-04:007 Paths To Being Unforgettable in Bed<p><em>How to Be Unforgettable In Bed</em> by Thomas G. Fiffer. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/502b56cc59d005782ddc331d2219ebbd2dc740b6/medium/7-paths-to-being-unforgettable-in-bed.jpg?1452202918" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Want to be an unforgettable lover? Forget about technique and try these simple tips.<br><br>You turn to your partner and ask, “Was it good for you?” but you already know the answer. “Good? OMG! It was beyond good. It was … unforgettable!”<br><br>I’m talking about the kind of s_x (Google flags this word for porn, so... we have to use underscores to keep our advertising) you can’t stop thinking about. The kind you replay in your mind over and over until your next encounter. The earth-shaking, world-rocking, leg-wobbling kind. The kind you see in movies. The kind you may have thought wasn’t possible … or may still think isn’t. The kind … oh stop teasing me already, please!<br><br>All right, enough foreplay. Now that you’re excited, I have to deliver, so let’s start with the basics. You love each other. Your relationship is healthy. You’re s_xually compatible. While these things don’t guarantee great s_x, without them as your baseline it’s tough to hit the high notes.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Next, we have to unlearn some stuff, and be reminded of some new stuff.<br><br><br><strong>1. The joy of s_x isn’t physical. Pleasure occurs in the brain.</strong><br><br>First, dump the idea that great s_x depends on great physical technique. The joy of s_x isn’t physical. Sure, the things we do to and with each other’s bodies feel good, but pleasure occurs in the brain, which means regardless of what’s happening down at those delicate nerve endings, state of mind is everything.<br><br>You can master every move in the handbooks, but unless you perform them in a way that resonates in the control center, it’s just pointless rubbing. You don’t have to measure up to enjoy pleasure beyond measure.<br><br><br><strong>2. Second, bigger, harder, and longer do not always equate to better.</strong><br><br>Basic physical compatibility matters, but beyond that, more length, more girth, more pounding, more kissing, more minutes or hours of whatever you’re doing—none of these mores add up to more pleasure.<br><br>Anyone, with whatever equipment you’ve been given, can use the secrets for unforgettable s_x. You don’t have to measure up to enjoy pleasure beyond measure.<br><br><br><strong>3. Bringing your lover to climax doesn’t mean you’ve hit a home run.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>An org_sm can be as intense and powerful as the popping of a champagne cork, or as flat as opening a bottle of soda that’s lost all its fizz. It’s much more about what you’re feeling when you feel the waves than how the waves make you feel.<br><br>The view from the mountaintop may be breathtaking, but the exhilaration comes from the climb. When you radiate love, its light gives off a brilliant glow.<br><br><br><strong>4. You don’t have to be beautiful to be attractive.</strong><br><br>Unforgettable s_x doesn’t depend on a perfect butt, flat stomach, or well-defined six pack. When you radiate love, its light gives off a brilliant glow, and this determines how your partner sees you. So what are the secrets?<br><br>You know, I really shouldn’t give these away. Because once you start using them, you’ll spoil your partner for any other kind of s_x. If you’re already in a committed relationship, that’s a good thing.<br><br>It will only get more committed. But if you’re the type who hooks up casually, be warned. Unhooking is about to get a lot more difficult.<br><br>It requires tuning in completely to your partner’s emotional state and focusing on giving emotional pleasure along with the physical.<br><br><br><strong>5. Learn to read your partner’s moods.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>By far the greatest pleasure enhancer is a sense of simpatico or being on the same wavelength. Knowing when to stop and knowing when to keep going. Knowing when to change positions. Knowing when to plant a kiss or simply gaze and smile.<br><br>Knowing when to grab and when to hold, when to move in and when to move back. Knowing what your partner wants before your partner knows it.<br><br>This type of knowing makes s_x feel simultaneously safe and dreamy, grounded and ethereal, and creates a deep intimate connection that allows movement to flow wordlessly. It requires tuning in completely to your partner’s emotional state and focusing on giving emotional pleasure along with the physical.<br><br>You don’t have to ask how your partner wants it, whether what you’re doing feels good, or if it’s time for a bathroom break. You know. When both partners learn to read each other’s moods, lookout. S_x is never the same again.<br><br>Trust me on this one, nothing is hotter than a reverent touch.<br><br><br><strong>6. Celebrate your partner’s body—every single inch of it.</strong><br><br>There’s a difference between touching for your pleasure and touching for your partner’s. There’s also a difference between a touch that asserts or assumes ownership and an appreciative touch that conveys gratitude for a gift.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you celebrate, you include. When you celebrate, you indulge. When you celebrate, you go slowly. When you celebrate, you revere. Trust me on this one, nothing is hotter than a reverent touch.<br><br>The more deeply respectful you are, the more deeply you will move your partner, and the more likely you are to move deeper still.<br><br>When is the last time you took the time to admire her hands or feet, massage his arms or shoulders, gently stroke her hair, or run your hands from his thighs to his toes? When you celebrate, you are patient. You don’t go right for the hotspots. You make the effort to warm things up.<br><br>As you focus on areas you thought weren’t s_xy, they suddenly become s_xy, and you may hear your partner say, “No one has ever touched me there that way before.” Touch that celebrates is magical and electric. You’ll feel the charge in the air.<br><br>And before you start, be sure to remove your smoke detector’s battery, because sparks will start flying.<br><br>Using intimacy to create connection is backwards. Connection creates intimacy, because connection presumes trust.<br><br><br><strong>7. Connect hearts before parts.</strong><br><br>This is the foreplay that precedes foreplay, the coming together that precedes …. I mention it last, because it’s the most important secret, and it’s easy to skip after mastering the other two.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You can tune in and touch reverently, but if you forget to align yourself fully with your partner, to pause and remind each other—with words, gestures, even a glance—of the love you share, you’ll go through the motions of s_x and end up feeling empty.<br><br>When you feel you’re drifting apart from your partner, it’s tempting to use s_x to try to reconnect. But using intimacy to create connection is backwards.<br><br>Connection creates intimacy, because connection presumes trust. When you let your partner get close to you emotionally, you take your walls down and allow yourself to relax.<br><br>This state of mental calmness has a tremendous effect on the body, priming it and making you intensely receptive. Your partner feels your energy and feeds on it, feels your hands before you touch, and when your fingers finally alight, you arouse feelings you’ve already awakened.<br><br>But none of this happens if you don’t align your hearts first. The easiest way to get in sync is to repeat a simple phrase together. “I am here because I love you.”<br><br>When you say these words in unison, the world around you melts away, and you’re ready to experience something unforgettable.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="How to Be Unforgettable In Bed" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/how-to-be-unforgettable-in-bed-fiff/" target="_blank"><em>How to Be Unforgettable In Bed</em></a> by <a contents="Thomas G. Fiffer" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://goodmenproject.com/author/thomas-g-fiffer/" target="_blank">Thomas G. Fiffer</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. 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<p> </p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/38373872020-06-08T10:10:00-04:002022-04-05T18:45:01-04:009 Signs You’re in the Right Relationship<p><em>9 Good Signs You’re in the Right Relationship</em> by Marc Chernoff. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/e8b15492deecc6353b005e2cb1c3124dad48cc1e/medium/9-signs-you-re-in-the-right-relationship.jpg?1441116397" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”<br><br>This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask us. And after Angel and I listen to the specifics of their situation, we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts and expectations. For instance:<br><br>“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”<br><br>Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well. So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” and corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. No games are being played.</strong><br><br>Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. <br><br>Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.<br><br>And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up.<br><br><br><strong>2. Everyone is on the same page.</strong><br><br>If a woman starts out all casual with a man and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a committed relationship, it will likely never become a committed relationship. If you give someone the impression that casual, or whatever, is okay with you, that’s what will be assumed going forward. <br><br>The bottom line is that you have to be straight from the start, or at least as soon as you know what you want. Don’t beat around the bush. If someone gets scared and runs away because you were honest and set boundaries, that person wasn’t right for you anyway.<br><br><br><strong>3. The line of communication is open, honest, and clear.</strong><br><br>You can’t be afraid to have certain conversations. It’s better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. Say what you mean and mean what you say. <br><br>Don’t expect the important people in your life to read your mind, and don’t play foolish games with their heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect them to trust you when the full truth comes out – half-truths are no better than lies.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Listen without defending and speak without offending. Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship. Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues, and above all, communication issues. <br><br>So be honest, commit, and COMMUNICATE always. <br><br><br><strong>4. Loving deeds consistently reinforce loving words.</strong><br><br>Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of what you have already shown them by how you treat them on a daily basis. <br><br>Do little things every day to show your loved ones you care. Knowing that the person you’re thinking of has you on their mind too means a lot.<br><br>Truth be told, you can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t.<br><br>If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere. It’s as simple as that. And there’s no such thing as a “right” relationship that isn’t sincere at both ends.<br><br><br><strong>5. Expectations of perfection are strictly forbidden.</strong><br><br>Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.<br><br>Your best friends and your soul mate may be far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you. Give them a chance to show you. When you stop expecting the people you love to be a certain way, you can start to enjoy and appreciate them for who they are. <br><br>What you need to remember is that every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect in the end is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>6. Honesty, vulnerability, and presence are held sacred.</strong><br><br>Although it may sound risky, the strongest type of love is the love that makes you the most vulnerable. It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and fully disclosed over the long-term. <br><br>It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.<br><br>So open yourself up. BE with the person you love. Allow yourself to experience them authentically. Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.<br><br>This is real life. This is how you welcome a sincere connection with another human being. <br><br><br><strong>7. There is a healthy blend of freedom and teamwork.</strong><br><br>Keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to be with us or love us. We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave. And likewise, we should never feel trapped in a relationship.<br><br>In fact, if either person feels trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist. Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.<br><br>Relationships are also built on a solid foundation of teamwork. And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway.<br><br>You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. It really is a full circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And remember, relationships are rarely 50/50 at any given instant in time. You can’t always feel 100%, or a full 50% of a relationship’s whole – life is simply too unpredictable for that. So on the days when you can only give 20%, the other person must give 80%, and vice versa.<br><br>It’s never been about balancing steady in the middle; healthy relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments for each other in real time as needed, and give more when the other person can’t help but give a little less.<br><br><br><strong>8. Personal growth is embraced, celebrated, and shared.</strong><br><br>It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect with someone special, a best friend or a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. <br><br>In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.<br><br>When you honestly think about what you and your closest confidants add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad.<br><br>No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.<br><br><br><strong>9. Outsiders aren’t calling the shots.</strong><br><br>Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You have to live your own life your own way; that’s all there is to it. Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people. It’s your duty, and yours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for you. <br><br>You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living and deciding for yourself.<br><br>The floor is yours…<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">This article first appeared as <a contents="9 Good Signs You’re in the Right Relationship" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/02/12/9-good-signs-youre-in-the-right-relationship/" target="_blank"><em>9 Good Signs You’re in the Right Relationship</em></a> by <a contents="Marc Chernoff" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/about/" target="_blank">Marc Chernoff</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37626672020-06-07T10:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:46:23-04:00Why I Hope My Ex Was A Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love<p><em>Why I Hope My Ex Was A Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love</em> by Kelsey Hau. See details below.<br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/79abc95767afcb242a2feb05550340b3b091af81/medium/why-i-hope-my-ex-was-a-once-in-a-lifetime-kind-of-love.jpg?1435791962" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br><strong>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: This article was edited to help the writer differentiate between "love" (action) and being "in love" (infatuation, firing of chemicals, etc.), since she used the term "love" to define both meanings. The integrity of the article has been maintained. </strong></p>
<p>---<br><br>Yesterday I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile. As we did our quick five-minute catch-up, she asked me how my ex was doing.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>After I did my well rehearsed polite response, “Actually we aren’t together anymore, so I am not entirely sure,” she gave me the immediate look of sadness and sympathy that I always get.<br><br>I’m well used to that look, I guess that’s what happens when the man you thought you were going to marry breaks up with you, but after giving me “the look,” she told me that she knows I’ll find someone new and I will love him just as much, if not more.<br><br>Her words, meant to make me feel better about being single, really got me thinking.<br><br>I hope she is wrong. I hope I never find someone to be in love with as much as I was with him.<br><br>I don’t say that because I am a cynic, and I don’t say that because I hope we get back together. I say that simply because being in love with him was too much for me.<br><br>It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything.<br><br>He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I felt incomplete when I wasn’t around him, and when he was near it was like everything was right in the world again.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>He was my other half, and what I considered the best part of myself. He made me crazy and emotional. It was like our entire time together was a roller coaster of missing him, loving him, hating him, and needing him.<br><br>And I pray to God I never ever feel that way again.<br><br>It changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of forever. I was in love, young, and I loved every minute of being in it. Even when we were fighting and I hated him, I loved it. But I never want to feel it again.<br><br>That kind of pain and hurt mixed in with such passion was too much for me. It was too much for my heart to handle and when he decided to leave me, I didn’t understand how the world would keep turning.<br><br>But it did keep turning, and one day the ache in my chest stopped hurting and all the broken little pieces of my heart and soul seemed to be put back together. That’s when I realized I don’t need being in love. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love again. I want to love again. And that's different.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who can help make me feel whole on my own. I am in control of my own feelings. I know that.<br><br>I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts, I want to know that even when I am apart from him I can trust him and know that he is coming home to me. I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night.<br><br>I don’t want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me and push me to be the best self I can be on my own.<br><br>I want a partner. I want someone I can rely on 24 hours out of the day, seven days a week. I want a relationship that helps make me smile and go to bed completely content with my life, not one that keeps me up at night.<br><br>I don’t want a man who treats me like a princess and the most precious thing in the world - I want him to treat our daughter like that. I don’t want to be the love of his life because I want our family to be.<br><br>My ex taught me more about love and being in love and life than he will never know. After the break up my friends always told me that he would never find someone who loved him quite like I did. They said it to make me feel better, but I hope the same is true for him, too.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We were young and naive and loved being in love, but it was mistaken for love (action) itself.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">This article first appeared as <a contents="Why I Hope My Ex Was A Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://thoughtcatalog.com/kelsey-hau/2014/10/why-i-hope-my-ex-was-a-once-in-a-lifetime-kind-of-love/" target="_blank"><em>Why I Hope My Ex Was A Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love</em></a> by <a contents="Kelsey Hau" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://thoughtcatalog.com/kelsey-hau/" target="_blank">Kelsey Hau</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Letterboard 14 --> <script>
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</script> <em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/48303732020-06-06T12:05:32-04:002022-04-05T18:46:34-04:005 Secrets to a Lasting Marriage According to 1,500 Happy Couples<p><em>The Secret to a Lasting Marriage? Here's What 1,500 Happy Couples Have to Say</em> by Minda Zetlin. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/3c370c1655076c24b548cf83bf355560a5b5c381/medium/5-secrets-to-a-lasting-marriage-according-to-1-500-happy-couples.jpg?1504040037" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Bestselling author and blogger Mark Manson asked his audience for advice. He got quite a lot of it.<br><br>What does it take to have a happy marriage that stays happy over several decades? It turns out there are some clear answers to that question. <br><br>Mark Manson is a blogger and entrepreneur who's best known as the author of bestseller <em>The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F_ck.</em> He's also a newlywed, having gotten married early this year.<br><br>Like many newly married people, he began wondering what it takes to keep a marriage strong, and since he has a wide audience, he decided to ask them. He put out a call on his website for readers who had been married at least 10 years and were still happy in their marriages to tell him how they did it. Some 1,500 of them responded, sometimes at length. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Manson read through all the answers and found that many of the same patterns emerged over and over, and many of the answers covered the same themes. He found this very reassuring because it meant that there really is a formula to having a happy marriage. <br><br>My husband and I are about to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary. That makes us rank amateurs compared to some of the really long-term couples who wrote to Manson. Still, we can confirm from our own marriage that the advice Manson received is absolutely right.<br><br>You can find all of it here. Meantime, here's our take on some of Manson's readers' best tips: <br><br><br><strong>1. There's a difference between love and romantic passion. Don't confuse the two. </strong><br><br>Does your heart skip a beat when you see your loved one coming toward you? That's great, but that intensely romantic feeling is not going to stay the same over the years. In a good marriage, it gets replaced with something deeper and more solid, like a tree setting down long roots after a burst of flower.<br><br>You'll know that you can count on your spouse to be there when you need him or her, to understand you better than anyone else, and to help you fulfill your biggest dreams. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>In a way, that feeling of solidity and trust is the opposite of wild passion because wild passion always has uncertainty at its core. Not that you won't ever feel wild love for your partner--you will, sometimes. Other times, you will wish that same partner would go far, far away and never come back. And that's OK. <br><br><br><strong>2. Respect trumps almost everything else.</strong> <br><br>Couples can disagree about a lot, but the real trouble starts when one stops respecting the other. At least, that's how it's been in every serious relationship I've had that ended. <br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><br>Interestingly, Manson observed that couples who'd been together 10 to 15 years tended to stress the importance of communication, while those who'd been together 20 years or longer (sometimes much longer) emphasized respect instead.<br><br>Manson guessed this was because long-term couples know that communication will break down at some point. I think it's because at some point, when you've been close for decades, you've pretty much said everything you have to say and communication becomes less of an issue. <br><br>Manson refers to respect as the bedrock of a relationship and I think that's exactly right. If you respect each other, and you share the same values, your relationship can survive almost anything. Without respect, it's almost impossible to make a long-term relationship work. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. Learn how to fight.</strong> <br><br>I believe that if a couple is constantly fighting that's a bad sign--but if they never fight, that's a worse one. You're human, your spouse is human, and there will be times when you disagree. There will also be times when one of you feels wronged by the other. <br><br>So it's important that you fight, but it's also important how you fight. Even in the midst of a shouting match, when you are beside yourself with fury, will you refrain from saying things that can damage the relationship or your partner's self-esteem?<br><br>As Manson notes, psychologist John Gottman is good at predicting whether a couple will divorce based on how they fight. So learn to fight fair, and in a way that does not inflict lasting wounds. <br><br><br><strong>4. Make time for each other</strong>. </p>
<p>Life gets very full very quickly with jobs and kids and especially if you're starting a company. So you may have to be deliberate about making time to be with your spouse to do things together that are fun, as well as the things you need to do.<br><br>Have a date night, plan the occasional weekend getaway, take vacations together. If you were dating instead of cohabiting, you would carefully plan your time together, and just because you're married doesn't mean you can skip this step. Your relationship needs these booster shots to stay healthy. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It also needs sex, something else you must make time for. A few years ago, my husband and I attended a tantric sex workshop that really opened my eyes on this point.<br><br>Spontaneous sex may seem more natural or romantic but it often means squeezing in a quick session in between when you first open your eyes and when the alarm goes off, or rushing through an encounter before you go out for the evening. <br><br>You put planning and thought into most of the important stuff in your life, and sex deserves the same. With forethought, you can set the perfect scene for sex, and you can give each other all the time you need and deserve. <br><br><br><strong>5. Make a choice</strong>. <br><br>Manson doesn't mention this specifically, and yet it's the subtext of almost every comment from his readers that he published. Getting into a relationship is a matter of choosing, and so is staying in one for the long term.<br><br>If you're in a relationship that isn't working and doesn't fulfill you, or your spouse can't be the partner you need, then you may need to make a difficult choice about leaving. But if you're in the relationship and you want it to work, then you need to choose to be there. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>That's a lesson I learned from my husband, and it took me a while because it goes against the mythology of love. Just as movies and songs tell you (falsely) that you should expect to feel romantic all the time and live happily ever after, they also tell you (falsely) that love is something that just happens to you. It's more like something you choose to create, especially after you've been married for a while. <br><br>A friend of my father's, and one of my mentors, told me that she married at 17 because she wanted to leave her father's house. She and her almost-as-young husband agreed they would give the marriage six months and then decide if they wanted to "renew." Six months later they did, so they decided to give it another six months. And so on and on until he died in his 90s. <br><br>That's marriage. You choose to commit to your spouse, and then you choose again and again. To accept them for who they are. To trust them to accept you. You choose to work through the tough stuff that inevitably will happen and to forgive the really hurtful things your spouse inevitably will do.<br><br>You choose to talk about things that are hard to discuss because otherwise they'll pull you apart, and sometimes to shut up when you've talked about something enough. <br><br>A solid partnership can be the foundation on which everything else you do is built, so you must make it your top priority at least some of the time, and always when it needs to be. Marriage is something you choose, not every six months, but every single day. That choice can sustain you throughout the rest of your life.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="The Secret to a Lasting Marriage? Here's What 1,500 Happy Couples Have to Say" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/the-secret-to-a-lasting-marriage-heres-what-1500-h.html" target="_blank"><em>The Secret to a Lasting Marriage? Here's What 1,500 Happy Couples Have to Say</em></a> by <a contents="Minda Zetlin" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.inc.com/author/minda-zetlin" target="_blank">Minda Zetlin</a>. Click on their names to follow them on social media!<br><br>---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"><em>email list</em></a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37800532020-06-05T08:20:00-04:002022-05-08T09:16:14-04:00The Toxic Attraction Between an Empath and a Narcissist <p>The Toxic Attraction Between An Empath and A Narcissist by Alex Miles. See details below. <br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/f1549ca7b6c051d8ca1d167cfd8f5029147b37f8/medium/the-toxic-attraction-between-an-empath-and-a-narcissist.png?1437064353" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br><strong>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: This is probably one of the best articles I've read that compares narcissism with empathy. One thing I'd like to add is, the ego is 1) the need to be right and 2) an attachment to the outcome. Our ego often depends on the outcome of events for our happiness. We might fail to realize that we are in complete control of our reactions – how we choose to respond. No one can make us feel anything. Our reaction is our choice.<br><br>Therefore, being blind to all this, we manipulate and fight for control so that the outcome is what we desire. If I'm a narcissist, if my ego gets in the way, I will destroy the relationships with the people in my life I love most... and I'll never have the insight to understand the fault was mine. I love this quote in the article below: "From my own experience and studies on the narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded. Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.."</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I am an empath. I discovered I was an empath after I got involved in a very deep and highly destructive relationship with a narcissist.<br><br>I am writing this article from the perspective of an empath, however, would love to read the view from the opposite side if there are any narcissists that would like to offer their perception on this.<br><br>Through writing about the empath personality type I have connected with many other people who class themselves as an empath and time and again I have heard people tell me how they have also attracted relationships with narcissists. So, I decided to explore it further.<br><br>From my own experience and studies on the narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.<br><br>Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.<br><br>Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.<br><br>What the empath fails to realize is that the narcissist is a taker. They do all they can to build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them.<br><br>An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.<br><br>The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care.<br><br>There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.<br><br>The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates.<br><br>When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel.<br><br>An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.<br><br>An empath at this stage must realize the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.<br><br>Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others.<br><br>A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.<br><br>An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.<br><br>However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.<br><br>Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside.<br><br>An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognize that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.<br><br>In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix. That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realize.<br><br>We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.<br><br>The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one.<br><br>If a relationship is already underway, it is never to late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognize our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.<br><br>The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>They are not consciously aware of their behavior and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.<br><br>An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.<br><br>A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realize they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked.<br><br>The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <em><a contents="The Toxic Attraction Between An Empath And A Narcissist" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/the-toxic-attraction-between-an-empath-a-narcissist/" target="_blank">The Toxic Attraction Between An Empath And A Narcissist</a></em> by <a contents="Alex Miles" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/author/alexsandramyles/" target="_blank">Alex Miles</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks! <br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration-line: none; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/41330272020-06-04T07:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:47:16-04:0010 Ways To Break Up Gracefully<p><em>How To Break Up Gracefully</em> by Mark Manson. See details below.<br><br>--- <br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/a8b8265e99b14a2522b14a470c64b284c3dd5c6b/medium/10-ways-to-break-up-gracefully.jpg?1503864429" class="size_m justify_center border_" />The year was 2006. Kim and I had been seeing each other for maybe two months. It wasn’t serious. Although she had been dropping some hints — hints of both her long-term interest in me as well as her complete lack of emotional stability.<br><br>But I was less experienced back then. All I knew was she was hot and there was sex involved. Ignorance was bliss. <br><br>So on that random weekday night, she calls me. I answer. “Hey.” She says she has some friends over. They’re just hanging out and having drinks. Do I want to come by?<br><br>I wasn’t doing anything particular that night but I told her no. Why? To be honest, I can’t remember why. I just didn’t want to. Didn’t feel right.<br><br>She says “Cool.” No problem, talk to you later. <br><br>Maybe an hour later she calls back. “Yeah?” You should really come she says. We’re having a lot of fun. “No thanks,” I say. Tonight’s not a good night. “Are you sure?” Yeah, sorry, I say. I’ll call you this weekend. “OK.” She sounds dejected. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Thirty minutes later she calls again. I consider not picking up. I sit there staring at my phone as it rings, rings, rings. <br><br>I finally pick up. She’s crying. Why won’t I come see her? I’m embarrassing her in front of her friends. “You can’t be serious,” I find myself saying. She’s drunk. I tell her she’s drunk. She insists she’s not and that she misses me a lot.<br><br>“You’re saying things that you’re going to regret saying tomorrow. I’ll call you this weekend.” The teary drawls go on. My God, get off the phone I think to myself. <br><br>I hang up. <br><br>Minutes later she calls back. I let it ring. She leaves a voicemail. <br><br>A few minutes later she calls again. And then again. Another voicemail. And another one. <br><br>I text her and tell her if she wants to see me again, she should stop calling me right now. She calls six more times, six more voicemails. I turn the phone off. <br><br>The next day I wake up to 43 voicemails and one text message. The voicemails are from the night before. The text message is from early that morning. I read the text: “I’m really sorry. I was drunk last night. I don’t know what came over me. Please don’t be mad at me. I’ll make it up to you tonight. Deal?” <br><br>I reply, “I think we should stop seeing each other.” I delete her number and the voicemails without listening to them. <br><br>It’s the only time I’ve ever broken up with someone over text. And it felt completely justified. <br><br>Is there a right or wrong way to handle a break up?<br><br>There’s that old saying that “breaking up is hard to do.” Well, not only is it hard to do, but it’s hard to handle the aftermath and the emotional complications that burp up out of us when we’re in such a vulnerable state. </p>
<p>Break ups are also difficult because they’re as unique as the relationships that spawn them. Giving advice on break ups can be complicated because break ups are contextual.<br><br>For instance, I would never advise to break up with someone through text message, but at the same time, I’m completely content in how I ended things with our batshit crazy lady friend, Kim. </p>
<p>The key to a graceful break up and a healthy recovery depends on a variety of factors. Are you the dumper or the dumpee? Did you break up over a singular issue or was the chemistry and excitement gone? Were things emotionally turbulent for a long time or did things just suddenly ‘snap’? </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Yeah, we’ve all been there… not fun. <br><br>And then there are the more permanent questions: Do you want to stay in contact with your ex? How do you get over missing them? What if they want to get back together with you? What if Steve was more your friend than her friend even though she thinks he likes her more but he really likes you more? </p>
<p>These are all good questions. And they deserve answers. So I’ll do my best. Below are some guiding principles on how to handle a break up gracefully. </p>
<p><br>1. Always do it in person and if possible, don’t do it in public.<br><br>Unless they did something totally out of line like scalp your cat (or leave you 43 tearful voicemails in one night), and if you have any respect for them at all (often a legitimate question), then always do it in person. </p>
<p>Yeah, it’s harder. But suck it up. And if possible, don’t do it in public. Being in public makes people feel limited in what they can express, whether it be final words they’d like to say to you, or dishware they’d like to break. Which brings us to principle number two… </p>
<p><br>2. Never make a scene and keep your crazy to a minimum.<br><br>Feeling distraught is OK. Being torn apart from the inside out is fine and expected. Wishing fiery hell and brimstone onto your ex and feeling the urge to dismantle their life and everything they hold dear piece-by-piece isn’t totally out of the ordinary either.<br><br>But any attempt to do so is going to just make you look like a child with down syndrome throwing a tantrum. Control yourself. Grieve and express your pain, but don’t do anything stupid. Do it in private and do it with someone you trust. And this goes double if you’re in public. </p>
<p><br>3. Do NOT try to make the other person feel better.<br><br>This goes particularly for the dumper. Once the relationship is severed, the other person’s emotions are no longer your responsibility. And not only is it no longer your responsibility to help them cope, but comforting them will likely make them feel worse. It can also backfire in that it will just make them resent you more for being so nice (while dumping them). </p>
<p>And for God’s sake, don’t have sex with them. Seriously, you just broke up. They’re crying and saying how much they’re going to miss you. You hug them to make them feel better. You start getting upset because you wish things could have worked, but this is for the better.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Suddenly you’re tearing up and wondering why you’re dumping them in the first place, because god, remember when things were good? They were great, right? Then the clothes are off and one of you is crying and smiling and suddenly the sex is more passionate than it’s been in a year and a half and what the heck, what are you doing? No, really, what are you doing!? Stop! </p>
<p><br>4. After the break up, respectfully cut all contact for a short period of time.<br><br>This is the second thing that many people don’t muster the courage to do. A lot of people get hung up on remaining friends and actually force contact when it’s causing them more emotional stress. </p>
<p>Research on relationship break ups finds that people who limit contact with one another emotionally recover much faster. </p>
<p>Not only is it totally reasonable to refrain from seeing/speaking to each other for a brief period of time, but it’s healthy. The more contact you’re in, the more risk you run of setting off an emotional time bomb, relapsing, and ending up in that messy no-man’s land of “we’re not together, but we’re still kind of together, but we’re definitely not boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m going to call really quick to check in, but seriously we’re not together — why are you looking at me like that?” </p>
<p><br>5. Talk to somebody about it.<br><br>This one may seem obvious, but make sure you do it. If this is a particularly serious relationship, talk to a trusted friend or family member before making the decision. And then take whatever advice they give you seriously.<br><br>We are often poor observers of our own relationships, but our friends can see how its affecting us better than we can. </p>
<p><br>6. Allow yourself to be sad/angry/upset but don’t judge or blame anyone.<br><br>Emotions are healthy and normal. Even negative emotions are healthy and normal. But judging and blaming people, whether it’s them or you, doesn’t get you very far. </p>
<p>This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t distinguish good/bad behavior or good/bad choices. Learning from your errors and what went wrong in your relationship will go a long way to helping you move on.<br><br>I was really messed up about my first serious relationship. I harbored a lot of resentment because she left me for another guy. I didn’t really start to get over it until I came to terms with all of the ways I wasn’t that great of a boyfriend.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Once I realized that I wasn’t such a perfect angel and that I wasn’t completely the victim, then it was easier to come to terms with what happened and let go of them. </p>
<p>Start by recognizing that maybe they weren’t as great as you thought and there really were some things you didn’t like. Recognize the things you didn’t do well and how you could have been a better partner. But don’t blame them or trash them as people.<br><br>Everyone goes into a relationship with the best of intentions. Most people come out of them feeling hurt and betrayed in some way. Most people come out having messed up royally somewhere along the way. There’s nothing uniquely horrible about you or that one person. Just learn from the mistakes and move on. </p>
<p><br>7. Recognize that the break up itself is a sign of your incompatibility and you’re both better off.<br><br>Here’s something that grates on me: people who just got out of a relationship and lament that “he/she and I were perfect together.” Obviously you weren’t. Otherwise you’d still be together. </p>
<p>For some reason when it comes to judging someone’s compatibility, people suddenly excise out the fact that they aren’t together anymore. Oh yeah, even though we were clawing at each other’s throats for the last six months, that first trip we took to Florida was magical. We were just so right together. </p>
<p>While we do all have perceptual biases for remembering things better than they were, it’s important to remind oneself that you broke up for a reason. And often that reason is a very good reason. And for those of you still holding onto that one special someone months or years later: stop. If they were right for you, they would have realized it by now. You’re deluding yourself. Move on. </p>
<p><br>8. Invest in yourself.<br><br>The longer you spend in a romantic relationship, the more your sense of identity melds with theirs. Being together with someone in such an intimate space for so long creates a third, overlapping psychological entity that comprises both you and them. </p>
<p>And when that entity suddenly dies, not only is it painful, but it leaves a temporary void in who you are. This is why the best and most important post-breakup advice on the planet is to invest in rebuilding your personal identity.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Rediscover your old hobbies. Focus double on work. Start that new project you’ve been putting off for months. And most of all, spend time with your friends. Your friends will not only reassure you and make you feel better in the moment, but they will also help you reinforce your own personal identity again. Friendship is the best medicine for heartbreak. </p>
<p><br>9. Only start dating again when you’re legitimately excited to.<br><br>A lot of people break up and enter a “rebound” period. They’re immediately back on the market and throwing themselves at the first thing that comes by. The problem is this is more of a coping mechanism than genuine enthusiasm for the new people one’s meeting.<br><br>You can tell because the new connections you make feel complicated and lacking. Anxiety and desperation come back with a vengeance, and overall the process of meeting someone new is far less enjoyable. </p>
<p>After you break contact and invest in yourself, don’t pressure yourself to meet someone new until you’re legitimately excited to do it. There’s a difference between excitement and desperation. Desperation is feeling alone and incomplete without dating someone — like you need to be with someone to be happy. Excitement is being genuinely excited to discover what’s out there and feeling fine regardless of what happens. </p>
<p>Besides, when you’re excited to meet new people and are in a good place emotionally, you are far more attractive anyway. It’s worth it. </p>
<p><br>10. Only attempt to be friends with your ex again once you’re over the idea of dating them.<br><br>Some people have the admirable goal of remaining friends with their ex. Other people have the admirable goal of breaking the kneecaps of their ex with a tire iron. </p>
<p>Whatever the goal for your future relations with your ex, they need to happen organically. Forcing a friendship enters into testy territory as it can make the other person feel obligated to you and that can kick up a lot of the negative feelings leftover from the break up. </p>
<p>What I’ve found is that if you had a strong friendship within the relationship, that friendship will naturally emerge outside of the relationship once you’ve both moved on. In a lot of cases, it takes dating new people for both parties to relax enough to form that bond again. Other times it takes a lot of time. But if that friendship is there, it’ll eventually sprout up. Do it a favor and don’t force it. <br><br>I often get emails from people with their break up situation asking if it’s hopeless. Is there any chance they may end up back together? <br><br>Here’s the deal: if you get back together after one break up, it can work. But that’s assuming that one or both of you genuinely learns from the break up and alters the course of their behavior or their perception of the relationship. There are plenty of examples of couples who needed some time apart to gain perspective on the relationship and learn how to make it work. And generally, only one catastrophic break up isn’t too much to heal. <br><br>But if you’re going through break up after break up after break up — or what I sometimes refer to as the “emotional boom/bust cycle” — where you’re either in bliss or in hell, depending on which month it is, then I hate to say it, but you should probably just end it permanently. <br><br>Imagine your relationship as a beautiful china plate. If you break it once, you can put it back together with some care and effort. If you break it a second time, you can still put it back together but it takes a lot of extra time and care. But if you break it again and again and again, eventually you end up with so many pieces that you can’t put it back together.<br><br>And no matter how much you liked that plate, you’re better off going and finding another one.</p>
<p>Read another popular post: <em><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em> <br><br>This article originally appeared as <a contents="How To Break Up Gracefully" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/break-up" target="_blank"><em>How To Break Up Gracefully</em></a> by <a contents="Mark Manson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://markmanson.net/" target="_blank">Mark Manson</a>. Click on Mr. Manson's name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br>--- <br><br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest,</a> <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, </em><em><a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list " data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"><em>email list </em></a>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37547742020-06-03T09:05:00-04:002022-10-13T05:08:45-04:0010 Ways To Know You’re In Love With The Right One<p><em>10 Ways To Know You’re In Love With The Right One</em> by Eric Santos. See below for details.<br><br><strong>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: If you've ever been in love, you know it's a wonderful feeling. I published this article here in honor of that experience. As many of us know, once those feelings of "in-loveness" subside, we're back to reality where loving someone (as action) becomes a choice.</strong><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/444c52539cf6acdaa53519bb649913abe9419cbd/medium/10-ways-to-know-you-re-in-love-with-the-right-one.jpg?1503690057" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Falling in love is one of the most exciting, rewarding and scariest things you could ever do.<br><br>Once you’re in love with someone, it’s hard to remember how you lived without him or her. Of course, you were alive before you met this person, but you really didn’t start “living” until the two of you met.<br><br>I remember when I first fell in love with my girlfriend; it was a very scary feeling, as I had managed to elude love for the entirety of my life before her. I specifically remember the transition from when I liked Vanessa to when I began to be in love her.<br><br>Vanessa went from being someone who made me smile to being the greatest catalyst of the happiness and joy in my life. She went from a gorgeous girl I met to the most beautiful girl I know. She went from my crush to the love of my life.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Everyone experiences being in love (or infatuation) differently, and at different times. Even the meaning of love is extremely subjective, but I say for certain that anyone who’s experienced it knows it’s the best feeling ever.<br><br>Here are 10 ways to know if you might be in love — rather than in like — with someone:<br><br><br><strong>1. The best part of your day</strong><br><br>As Childish Gambino said, “When I’m alone, I’d rather be with you.” Seeing my girlfriend is always the highlight of my day. If you're really in love with someone, you never truly get tired of him or her.<br><br>No matter how great your day might be going, your special person will make it better. When you just like someone, he or she might make your day better, but probably isn’t the best part.<br><br><br><strong>2. The first person you think about</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Your love will be the first person you think about when you wake up and the last person you think about before you go to sleep. When something good happens to you, this is the first person you want to tell.<br><br>When something bad happens to you, you look to this person for support.<br><br><br><strong>3. Prioritize above your own needs</strong><br><br>Love is selfless. I was the most important person in my world until I met my girlfriend. Once I fell in love with her, her needs became much more important than my own.<br><br>This is just how being in love is. Your needs always seem trivial in comparison to the other’s needs.<br><br><br><strong>4. You’d do anything</strong><br><br>If I tried to construct a list of things I wouldn’t do for my girlfriend, the list would be pretty empty. When you’re in love with someone, you do whatever you can to make the person happy.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you like someone, you may feel like there is a lot you would do for the person, but you have your limits. <br><br><br><strong>5. You are never afraid to express your feelings in public</strong><br><br>I have this semi-bad habit of telling the world how in love I am with my girlfriend.<br><br>When you’re truly in love, you want everyone to know. You are not bashful about your feelings by any means. When you like someone, there is a lot of holding back on how you feel.<br><br><br><strong>6. You love the imperfections</strong><br><br>My girlfriend is the most beautiful girl I know, but she does have some imperfections. But, to me, they’re not imperfections — they’re unique qualities and things I love.<br><br>When I tease her about them, she thinks I am making fun of her, but I am truly just admiring them. Being in love is the ability to know and accept someone’s faults.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You may know the imperfections of a person you like, but having the capacity to embrace them likely won’t happen unless you fall in love.<br><br><br><strong>7. You think long-term</strong><br><br>When you’re in love with someone, it’s hard to imagine a future without the person in it. For this reason, you will think long-term about how you can build a life with this person.<br><br>You won’t give in to short-term temptations that might mess up your long-term goals. When you just like someone, thinking long-term can be pretty scary.<br><br><br><strong>8. You become a better person</strong><br><br>No one is perfect; we all have room for improvement. But, being in love will force you to work on these things.<br><br>You want to become the best version of yourself for the person you're in love with. I am a better person now than I was before I met my girlfriend.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>9. Your feelings are unconditional</strong><br><br>Your in-loveness knows no conditions and is absolute. I don’t actually like the term “unconditional love” because I think it’s redundant — I believe all true love is unconditional.<br><br>When you like someone, your feelings change depending on the condition.<br><br><br><strong>10. Your love is your best friend</strong><br><br>Sometime along the way, my girlfriend became my best friend. I believe this to be true for most people who fall in love.<br><br>Your significant other becomes your partner in crime. You feel like, together, you can take on the world.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">This article first appeared as <a contents="10 Ways To Know You’re In Love With The Right One" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/10-ways-know-youre-love-someone-dont-just-like/685279/" target="_blank"><em>10 Ways To Know You’re In Love With The Right One</em></a> by <a contents="Eric Santos" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/esantos/" target="_blank">Eric Santos</a>. Great article! Click on Mr. Santos' name to follow him on the social networks!<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/45003462020-06-02T07:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:47:38-04:00How Romance Novels and Movies Ruined Love<p><em>How Fiction Ruined Love</em> by Alain de Botton. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/7363b0f2c8437d2009896f098d83f97d05ff6dbc/medium/how-fiction-ruined-love.jpg?1503608589" class="size_m justify_center border_" />To fall in love feels like such a personal and spontaneous process, it is strange — and a bit insulting — to suggest that we’re only copying what the novels and the movies tell us to do.<br><br>However, the differences in how people have loved throughout history suggest that our style of loving is to a significant extent determined by what the prevailing environment dictates.<br><br>In certain eras, we’ll swoon at the sight of the beloved’s ankle; in others, we’ll coldly put romanticism aside for the sake of dynastic or practical concerns. We learn how to love by copying a range of more or less subtle cues emitted by our culture.<br><br>Or, as that brilliant observer of human foibles, François de La Rochefoucauld, wickedly put it: “There are some people who would never have fallen in love if they had not heard there was such a thing.” <br><br>Crucially, over the centuries, the most important factor to have shaped how we love is art. It is through novels, poems, songs and, latterly, films that we have acquired our ideas about what aspects of our feelings we should value and where our emotional emphases should fall. <br><br>This is unfortunate. It’s not that the art has been bad; indeed a lot of it has reached the highest aesthetic pitch. It’s simply that representations of love in culture have frequently been profoundly misleading at the psychological level. That we are quite so bad at loving — and the statistics on relationship breakdowns suggest we really are — is a problem that can at least in part be laid at the door of culture. The primary impediment to having better relationships may be the quality of our art. <br><br>To call for “better” art doesn’t mean art that is more moving or colorful or impassioned. The art that deals with love is already all those things and more. What it is lacking are crucial elements of wisdom, realism and maturity. Our love stories excite us to expect things of love that are neither very possible nor very practical.<br><br>The narrative arts of the romantic tradition — everything from the poetry of Keats to films such as Before Sunrise (1995) and Lost in Translation (2003) — have unwittingly constructed a devilish template of expectations of what relationships are supposed to be like, in the light of which our own love lives often look grievously unsatisfying. We may break up with our partners or feel romantically cursed because we have been systematically exposed to the wrong sorts of love stories. <br><br>In western literary culture, the book that has most generously and deeply explored the issue of how love stories affect our relationships is Gustave Flaubert’s Madame Bovary (1856). Early on in the novel, we learn that Emma Bovary spent her childhood in a convent immersed in heady Romantic fiction.<br><br>As a result, she’s expecting that her husband will be a transcendent being, someone who understands her soul perfectly, a constantly thrilling intellectual and sexual presence. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When she eventually does get married to the kind, thoughtful but in the end human (and therefore often humdrum) Charles, she is set up for a fall. She is quickly bored by the routines of married life. She has no interest in domestic chores, she hates having to prepare dinner, organize the linen cupboard and have quiet nights in with her spouse.<br><br>Her dissatisfaction gets even worse when her first child arrives on the scene. She is convinced that her life has gone profoundly wrong for one central reason: because it’s so different from what the novels she knows told her it would be.<br><br>In a clumsy search to bring her reality in line with art, she embarks on a series of misguided affairs with louche figures, spends too much money, neglects her child and eventually commits suicide — bankrupt and in disgrace. Flaubert lays the blame squarely at the door of literature: a certain kind of Romantic novel is responsible for Emma Bovary’s death.<br><br>He is writing the novel that she should have read in order to tolerate the reality of marriage — though sadly, she is the only one not to be able to benefit from Flaubert’s wry, realistic wisdom.<br><br>We are all, at points, as deluded as Emma Bovary, for our art is full of omissions. For example, in so many romantic tales, the whole business of work is rarely viewed as relevant to the enduring of a relationship.<br><br>Yet of course, in reality, part of the rationale of any relationship is to enable two people to function as a stable joint economic unit for the education of the next generation. This is in no way banal. There are opportunities for genuine heroism here. Especially around laundry. We don’t hear much about this in art. <br><br>One of the central manuals of Romanticism — the book that more than any other taught people how to love in a new way — was The Sorrows of Young Werther, written by the German poet and philosopher Goethe in 1774, when he was in his mid-twenties. The book was an instant bestseller in Germany, England and France; Napoleon read it seven times.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The novel tells the story of a student, Werther, and his doomed love for a young (betrothed) woman, Charlotte. The tone is intense and ardent. Yet, crucially, as his love for Charlotte grows, Werther is not distracted by the demands of an occupation. Romantic love is a leisured experience. <br><br>Romanticism and capitalism are the two dominant ideas of our time, guiding the way we think and feel about the two things that usually matter most in our lives: relationships and work. But combining romanticism and capitalism, as we are actually expected to do, can be arduous in the extreme. It’s an unhappy historical clash.<br><br>We live under two very powerful but oddly incompatible systems — and art doesn’t help us here. The impressive philosophy of romantic love in art — with its emphasis on intimacy and openness and spending lengthy, carefree days together (often in nature, sometimes next to cliffs or waterfalls).<br><br>This sits very badly with the requirements of working routines that fill our heads with complex demands, keep us away from home for long stretches and render us insecure about our positions in a competitive environment.<br><br>In Richard Linklater’s irresistible film, Before Sunrise, two young lovers meet on a train, fall in love and spend hours talking about their feelings while walking the streets of Vienna at night. Like so many romantic works of art, the film suggests that love involves very close communication about pretty much everything.<br><br>But the level of openness this assumes is wholly at odds with the realities of day-to-day life. <br><br>After a tricky day (or week), one’s mind is likely to be numb with worries and duties. We may not feel like doing much besides sitting in silence, staring at the kitchen appliances, or running through a series of dramas and crises at work.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Such preoccupation is not pleasant to witness, and it risks expressing itself in a range of not very endearing symptoms: grunting, brooding silence and a short-fused temper.<br><br>The most innocuous-sounding question about how the day might have gone can elicit a growl — then, if it is repeated, an explosion. None of this we’ll be prepared for if we stick to the romantic script. When romantic writers have explored the troubles of relationships in their works, they have tended to draw attention to important, but notably limited, issues.<br><br>The great Russian poet Alexander Pushkin depicted the challenges faced by rational, self-possessed people in revealing their true desires in Eugene Onegin (1825-32). Jane Austen was acutely attentive to how differences in social status could pose obstacles to a couple’s chances of contentment.<br><br>In Italy, the most widely read novel of the 19th century — The Betrothed by Alessandro Manzoni — discussed how political corruption could overwhelm love. All these great writers were — in different ways — deeply interested in what might make it hard for a relationship to go well. <br><br>And yet there has tended to be something major missing from their list. There has never been very much interest in any of the challenges that fall within the realm of what we can call the “domestic”, a term that captures all the practicalities of living together and extends across a range of small but crucial issues, including whom one should visit on the weekend, what time to go to bed, and whether or not towels should be hung up in the bathroom. <br><br>From the romantic point of view, these things cannot be serious or important. Relationships are made or broken over grand, dramatic matters: fidelity and betrayal, the courage to face society on one’s own terms, the tragedy of being ground down by political opposition.<br><br>The day-to-day minutiae of the domestic sphere seem entirely unimpressive and humiliatingly insignificant by comparison. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>In Haruki Murakami’s outstanding 1987 novel, Norwegian Wood, we are taken through every nuance in the emotions of unrequited or doomed love. What is ignored, as it almost always is in art, is the business of sharing a life with someone who isn’t married to someone else, distant, dying or out of reach.<br><br>What we have come to think of as a “love story” tends — ultimately — frequently to comprise only the obstacles that lie in the way of a love story starting. But once a relationship properly begins, the film or novel ends. <br><br>The good-enough ordinary love stories that do exist are therefore all the more remarkable. Karl Ove Knausgaard’s cataloguing of his daily life comes to mind, or, to pick a mid-20th century example, Evan Connell’s Mrs Bridge, which looked at the everyday unhappiness of married life. In cinema, we have the films of Eric Rohmer in France or those of Joanna Hogg in the UK.<br><br>There's the American indie movies such as Richard Linklater’s Before Midnight (2013), which catches up with the lovers from Before Sunrise in discontented middle age, and acts as a brilliant corrective to his earlier romanticism.<br><br>These haven’t fundamentally changed our views of love, but they offer a welcome counterpoint to our more starry-eyed predilections. <br><br>Until our art changes more completely, we won’t go into relationships ready to perceive domestic issues as important potential flashpoints to look out for and pay attention to. We won’t acknowledge how much it may end up mattering whether we can maturely resolve issues around the eating of toast in bed or the conundrum of whether it is stylish, or a touch pretentious, to give a cocktail party. <br><br>Films like When Harry Met Sally . . . (1989) and Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) are typical in centering the action entirely on the run-up to the start of a relationship. But for most of us, our life’s problem isn’t finding a partner (that’s just one very important and at points thrilling phase), it is tolerating the candidate one eventually finds, and being tolerated by them, over time.<br><br>A wiser culture than ours would recognize that the start of a relationship is not the high point that romantic art assumes; it is merely the first step of a far longer, more ambivalent and yet quietly audacious journey on which we should direct our intelligence and scrutiny. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There’s another thing missing from a lot of art about love: children. In films such as Amélie (2001), children are incidental, sweet symbols of mutual love, or naughty in an endearing way. They rarely cry, take up little time, and are generally wise, exhibiting an unschooled intelligence.<br><br>But in life, we come to see that relationships are often fundamentally oriented towards the having and raising of children — and, at the same time, that children tend to place the couple under unbearable strain. They may kill the passion that made them possible. Life moves from the sublime to the quotidian.<br><br>There are toys in the living room, pieces of chicken under the table, years of rebellion and no time to talk. Everyone is always tired. This, too — unlike what Shelley or Baudelaire tell us — is love. <br><br>Our culture is full of skillful depictions of love. But at the same time, many of these tales are very unhelpful. We learn to judge ourselves by the hopes and expectations fostered by a misleading artistic medium. By its standards, our own relationships are almost all damaged and unsatisfactory.<br><br>No wonder separation or divorce so often appear to be inevitable.<br><br>They shouldn’t be. We merely need to tell ourselves more accurate stories about the progress of relationships, stories that normalize troubles and show us an intelligent, helpful path through them.</p>
<p>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="How Fiction Ruined Love" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.ft.com" target="_blank"><em>How Fiction Ruined Love</em></a> by <a contents="Alain de Botton" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://alaindebotton.com/" target="_blank">Alain de Botton</a> at<a contents=" Financial Times" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.ft.com" target="_blank"> Financial Times</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br>--- <br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37547732020-06-01T13:45:00-04:002022-04-05T18:50:08-04:0014 Reasons Why You Should Date A Man Who Is Family-Oriented<p><em>14 Reasons Why You Should Date A Man Who Is Family-Oriented</em> by Lexi Herrick. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/791412446b2ccb074bc2261474f053f43d597d91/medium/14-reasons-why-you-should-date-a-man-who-is-family-oriented.jpg?1503524996" class="size_m justify_center border_" />People are not cut and dry. Everyone behaves differently in a relationship, and it can often be difficult to attribute certain characteristics to life circumstances.<br><br>However, I have personally found that strong family ties inspire a unique kind of relationship conduct that extends past the family circle. There’s something special about being with a family man.<br><br><br><strong>1. When the going gets tough, he won’t get going.</strong><br><br>A guy who is very close to his family understands commitment at a deeper level. If you undergo hardship in your relationship, he isn’t one to just call it quits and leave.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Feb 2020 square ad --> <script>
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</script><br>He understands that relationships aren’t always easy because he has continued to maintain a strong one with his family throughout his whole life. He knows how to compromise, and sees the bigger picture.<br><br><br><strong>2. He’s supportive of you and what you love, even if he doesn’t enjoy it himself.</strong><br><br>Being close to one’s family means attending loads of soccer games, family reunions, dance recitals, graduations and weddings you may not necessarily want to be at.<br><br>It was always expected of him that he supports and appreciates things that are important to the people he loves. That’s something a family guy carries on with him.<br><br><br><strong>3. His mom taught him how to respect women.</strong><br><br>Respect is a learned trait. A man that loves, listens to and respects his mother for the strong and caring woman that she is, will treat the women in his life differently.<br><br>He will carry those positive values that his mother continues to instill inside of him into his future relationships.<br><br><br><strong>4. He loves to spend time with your family, too.</strong><br><br>Two family people make a good match for this reason. If you value time with your family and would sometimes rather spend a night out with your parents than with a bunch of friends, it’s nice to be with someone who understands that and also enjoys it.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Feb 2020 square ad --> <script>
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</script><br>He will take on the corky family events and celebrations like a complete champ, and you’ll love him for it.<br><br><br><strong>5. He’s good with kids.</strong><br><br>Not everyone wants children, and I understand that. However, being comfortable and playful with children is a positive trait for more reasons than just the prospect of future reproduction.<br><br>Children are innocent and yet complex little humans. Being good with kids means having patience, creativity, kindness and a good bit of kid still left in your heart. It’s good to have a man like that.<br><br><br><strong>6. He keeps his word.</strong><br><br>Families place a lot of importance around doing what you say you are going to do. If you said you’d be at your little sister’s gymnastics meet, you better be there.<br><br>If you said you would come home for Christmas, you couldn’t even think about backing out. A family man doesn’t make promises he can’t keep, and he also commits to the ones that he does make.<br><br><br><strong>7. You get to have a second family.</strong><br><br>There is nothing like forming a strong bond with another family. Family love is a special kind of love, and if you are lucky enough to experience that outside of your own family, it is quite the gift. He will want to welcome you in, and include you in that very important aspect of his life.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Feb 2020 square ad --> <script>
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</script><br><strong>8. He’s appreciative of you and your relationship.</strong><br><br>Loving your family means appreciating them and appreciating the value of the relationships you have created through that bond.<br><br>It’s easier for him to value other people and what they bring to his life because he’s had the same group of awesome people bringing wonderful things to him since infancy.<br><br>He has seen the grave effects his human relationships have had on his life, and therefore he values all of his friendships and relationships<br><br><br><strong>9. He’s confident.</strong><br><br>A family who really loves you, will make you feel special and incredible for who you are. If your family believes in you, often you do too.<br><br>Confidence levels obviously vary extensively, but generally if a man has a really close relationship with his family, he has been raised to have a high level of self-worth and to believe in himself.<br><br>Confidence reflects very positively on a relationship, and will make an enormous difference in the end.<br><br><br><strong>10. He trusts you.</strong><br><br>Abandonment and betrayal are complex situations that often start in the family. Prior relationship infidelities can also ruin a man’s ability to trust a woman.<br><br>However, in my personal experience, I have found that men who have had families that have been there for them throughout their whole lives, have an easier time trusting other people in general.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Feb 2020 square ad --> <script>
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</script><br>He believes in the larger picture and depth of your relationship, and trusts that you respect him the way he respects you.<br><br><br><strong>11. He’s a ton of fun.</strong><br><br>Being around a bunch of family all of the time often means a wild array of funny stories and picking on each other. Guys from strong families know how to laugh at themselves and make others laugh as well.<br><br>They are happy with anything, from a raging night of board games to those loud, crowded cook-out activities.<br><br><br><strong>12. He’s good at communicating with you.</strong><br><br>Families talk, and communication is one of the strongest qualities of a good and close family. A man who comes from that kind of environment knows how to voice his opinions and feelings to you with effective communication.<br><br>He’s been sharing his thoughts his whole life. Communicating with you during times of duress, or even on a day-to-day basis, is something that comes naturally for him.<br><br><br><strong>13. He knows how to be a friend.</strong><br><br>Relationships aren’t all about romanticism and passion. Often the entire foundation of a relationship is a strong friendship, and that is also the foundation of a strong family.<br><br>Friendship is about listening, laughing and making the best of the time that you have with each other. Friends and families improvise, and have fun doing the most simple of tasks together.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Feb 2020 square ad --> <script>
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</script><br>They make inside jokes, set up forts in the living room and make up ridiculous games for long car rides together. A family-guy knows how to be your best friend and also your romantic partner.<br><br><br><strong>14. He’s a lover at heart.</strong><br><br>Love is something you learn through the ways it was expressed to you. A man who loves his family, was loved by his family, and will one day love the family he creates as his own.<br><br>He makes time for friends, appreciates kindness shown to him and knows how to love in a committed way. He says he’s sorry, and he know knows how to laugh. He has walked with his grandma on his arm. He has let his little cousins ride on his back.<br><br>He buys his mom flowers on Mother’s Day, and keeps the trinkets and ties his dad has handed down to him. He knows to hug everyone goodbye at a family event and has probably played many games of hide-and-seek long after becoming an adult.<br><br>So, if a man starts to tell you he is really close with his family, keep your eye on the prize, ladies.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="14 Reasons Why You Should Date A Man Who Is Family-Oriented" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/14-reasons-date-family-oriented-man-2/816503/" target="_blank"><em>14 Reasons Why You Should Date A Man Who Is Family-Oriented</em></a> by <a contents="Lexi Herrick" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/lherrick/" target="_blank">Lexi Herrick</a> at <a contents="Elite Daily" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/" target="_blank">Elite Daily</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/48211062020-05-31T11:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:50:13-04:00How Marriage Is Evolving In a Time of Women's Independence<p><em>How Marriage Is Evolving In a Time of Women's Independence</em> by Susannah Wellford. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/b5f8b7f1e05b13c11316f470740a4d3585beb21c/medium/how-marriage-is-evolving-in-a-time-of-womens-independence.jpg?1503356393" class="size_m justify_center border_" />If you haven't read Icelandic Nobel Prize winner Halldor Laxness' book "Independent People," you need to pick it up right away and bring it with you to the beach. It is an unforgettable story about, among other things, how and why women and men live together as partners.<br><br>The story revolves around a man fighting to make it on his own as a sheep farmer in the unforgiving climate of Iceland. He will accept no help or charity from anyone, except of course from his wife who is little more than a slave in his house. <br><br>For much of the history of the world, men and women lived together because they needed each other. Marriage was an economic arrangement, and love and emotional support came second or perhaps not at all.<br><br>On the small farm in Iceland, where the main character Bjartur lives, he wants a wife so that when he comes in from a long day in the cold, he has a warm meal waiting.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>His wife also bears and takes care of the children (whom he needs to work on the farm) and keeps the home warm and clean. He provides her with more elemental things: a roof over her head, food to eat and status as a wife.<br><br>Without him, she has to rely on the charity of others to live. In exchange, she gives up her rights and freedom. The independent people of the novel's title are decidedly not the women. <br><br>In America at least, marriage has evolved a lot since the times when women had to marry to survive. Love and emotional support are the key reasons that people marry now, not financial necessity. In America, women are almost half of the labor force and make a good amount of money, although not quite what men bring home.<br><br>They increasingly hold leadership positions, have equal rights to men in most things and are more than capable of leading fully independent lives. But this independence means there may not be as pressing a need for women to marry, and perhaps this helps explain why the marriage rate has been in a steady decline in America since 1970. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But still, almost everyone I know is married. And despite the falling marriage rates, I think for most people it is still the gold standard of how to live one's life. I certainly grew up wanting it. My plan was to meet the perfect man, get married, make a home together, have children and live happily ever after.<br><br>I got a lot of that, but after 17 years, I was single again. Here's what I have now: I have two incredible children, a beautiful home and a great job. What I don't have is a husband.<br><br>Unlike the women in "Independent People," when I lost my husband (through divorce, not death!), I didn't need to immediately find another man to take me in so that I could survive. And while I would love to have the companionship and love of marriage again, it won't be a financial necessity for me. <br><br>I think American society is very much in transition – women are climbing towards parity with men in economic status and in leadership, but we also still want to live together as partners in marriage.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The rising divorce rates show that we are having trouble figuring out what this means in a time when the traditional male/female roles in society and in the home are rapidly evolving.<br><br>My sister Liz is a great example. She is married to Chris and has two daughters. When her girls were very young, she had a flexible schedule at work while Chris worked a demanding full time job. Now they both are working full time, which changes the dynamic in the marriage.<br><br>When she gets home from a long day at work, she wants someone to take care of her, but so does Chris.<br><br>Without someone full time at home nurturing the culture of the family, making sure everyone's needs are met, both partners have to be more flexible and willing to do what needs to be done.<br><br>But instead of breaking down as a couple under this new arrangement, they now devote much more time to working on their marriage, making sure that they are still communicating and taking time to enjoy each other to counter the inevitable stress. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When you poll Americans to ask what they want from a marriage, 62 percent say the ideal marital arrangement is for both partners to make money and for both to share equally in the work at home. But this is not the way things work out for most families.<br><br>Women in America still do twice as much of the housework and child care, even when they are also working full time outside the home.<br><br>One solution for ambitious women is to marry a type-B man, who will be willing to take on the traditionally female roles of keeping house and children cared for. I've seen marriages like this that seem to work out beautifully, but the uneven balance of power can't be easy for either partner. <br><br>I think the best marriages are those built on deep love, strong mutual respect and a sense of equality. As American women become more independent and powerful in society, the answer isn't abandoning the institution of marriage but rather working harder to have marriage evolve to become something that works better, and is happier, for both partners.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Read another popular article: <a contents="Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="How Marriage Is Evolving In a Time of Women's Independence" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.usnews.com/opinion/civil-wars/articles/2017-08-15/how-marriage-is-evolving-in-a-time-of-womens-independence" target="_blank"><em>How Marriage Is Evolving In a Time of Women's Independence</em></a> by <a contents="Susannah Wellford" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.usnews.com/topics/author/susannah-wellford" target="_blank">Susannah Wellford</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br>---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Instagram</em></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>Twitter</em></a> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37414972020-05-30T08:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:50:16-04:009 Ways To Lose The Woman You Love, For Good<p><em>How To Lose The Woman You Love For Good </em>by Tamara Star. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/cd4a38e4aaa7700e92c9a1af12a04507b8d8c5e5/medium/9-ways-to-lose-the-woman-you-love-for-good.jpg?1435067093" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>While most women won’t let go easily or without great effort to save your sinking ship, there are a few ways to lose the woman you love forever.<br><br><br><strong>1. Stop doing the little things like holding her hand and looking into her eyes.</strong><br><br>Women fall in love over the little things.<br><br>Movies may lead us to believe that grand gestures are the way into a woman’s heart, but it’s the little things you do that sink a hook deep into her psyche.<br><br>Holding her hand for no reason and looking into her eyes when you talk to her activates feelings of her mattering to you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Touching her hair, letting distractions pass when she’s talking, and kissing her goodbye are the golden moments she lingers over in her mind’s eye when you’re away.<br><br>We all know the quickest way to kill love is to take someone for granted, and the first thing to go when you wander down that dead end path are the little gestures. Lead her down this alley and you won’t be able to find her on your return out.<br><br><br><strong>2. Don’t ask her questions or try to get to know her.</strong><br><br>Let her beauty and what you think she can offer you drive your attention. Once she realizes you don’t really know her, understand where she’s been, or hold any of her secrets, she’ll realize she doesn’t matter to you and she will leave.<br><br>For a short period of time, you might be able to hold her attention through flattery of her physical appearance, but women are smart and they’ll eventually sense the emptiness of your connection.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>While knowing that you are attracted to her beauty is important, your focus on her appearance throws you back into the pack of the many others she encounters in her world that mean nothing to her heart.<br><br><br><strong>3. Don’t listen to her when she talks to you or even better yet, interrupt when she’s sharing her heart with corrections to her thinking and answers for her problems.</strong><br><br>Women solve problems and soothe their own stress by talking to someone that will listen. If you don’t hear her out, she will talk faster and faster repeating herself over and over again, getting louder and more emotional until she just finally stops trying.<br><br>At that point, the sound of her silence will let you know that while she may still be sitting in front of you, her permanent exit is looming.<br><br><br><strong>4. Don’t allow her to feel safe and relax into your love.</strong><br><br>Get defensive when she questions you and refuse to accept that women step closer by testing the water.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When a woman is falling deeper into love with you she will push back a bit, test you and question your actions, words and motives to see if you’re the real deal.<br><br>Whether you’ve been together for a month or for decades, this testing never stops. A man who has the ability to keep his woman, lets these tests and these questions roll off his back, calmly knowing they have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his woman stepping closer.<br><br><br><strong>5. Take everything as an attack on your character and meet your woman with defensiveness and anger.</strong><br><br>We’ve all been hurt, we all have fears and we all have tender spots that need extra TLC, but if you haven’t healed your past pain, you will be like a newly formed blister overly tender to every brush of contact.<br><br>Ignore your own issues and instead react to everything she might say or do with gusto as though it were a personal attack planned to orchestrate an insulting demise on your manhood, and soon your pain will be spared forever.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>6. Don’t make her special or allow her to relax into knowing she’s your woman.</strong><br><br>Keep your options open through regular flirtations and intimate sharing with other females and remember to hold nothing but sex special between the two of you. Intimacy literally translates as: into you I see.<br><br>By keeping the doorway open to many others through Facebook flirts and cute little text, you’ll ensure that there’s nothing special between the two of you other than sex.<br><br>Over time, she’ll slowly fade into the same creamy vanilla flavor of your many other intimate connections.<br><br><br><strong>7. Make sex your be all - end all - expression of love</strong>.<br><br>Stop kissing her for no reason other than to initiate sex so when you do kiss her, if she’s not feeling in the mood for sex, she won’t respond.<br><br>Don’t caress her outside of the bedroom, and don’t flirt with her or seduce her throughout the day like you used to, but always expect her to respond to you as passionately as ever.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>8. Stop joking and making her laugh. </strong> <br><br>Humor is the glue that keeps couples together and happy for the long haul. Start taking yourself really seriously so that every joke is a personal dig and ignore the little things that might make you both laugh by not being present in the moment with her.<br><br>Let yourself be preoccupied by what’s really important in your world and ignore the silly little things you used to laugh about.<br><br>Over time, she will give you the room you thought you wanted when you were just too busy to play.<br><br><br><strong>9. Check out when you’re with her by using your phone constantly.</strong><br><br>Remember that your time and attention are far more important than hers and trust that she doesn’t have anything better to do than sit across from you at the table and watch you check your phone.<br><br>Keep in mind that the calls, text and emails she lets sit on the back burner while she’s with you aren’t really as important as yours, and know that over time, she’ll give you all the space you need with your mobile device—permanently.<br><br>Like artwork, there comes a time to stop thinking about what you want to create and instead start creating. Unfortunately, too many of us make a brief effort and then go on auto pilot forgetting that it takes consistent practice to master the art of love.<br><br>Yet when we do make the effort, we create a masterpiece that never grows boring to look at.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br><a contents="How To Lose The Woman You Love For Good" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/how-to-lose-the-woman-you-love-for-good/" target="_blank"><em>How To Lose The Woman You Love For Good</em></a> by <a contents="Tamara Star" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/author/tamara-kerner/" target="_blank">Tamara Star</a> at <a contents="Elephant Journal." data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.elephantjournal.com" target="_blank">Elephant Journal.</a> Click their names to follow them on the social networks!<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37346462020-05-25T07:05:00-04:002022-04-05T18:50:20-04:0012 Lessons You Learn When You’re Finally In A Healthy Relationship <p><em>What You Learn When You’re Finally In A Healthy Relationship For Once</em> by Lauren Martin. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/e67a87d5ed0f10be2cf820c6c0a2062e02f73b3b/medium/12-lessons-you-learn-when-you-re-finally-in-a-healthy-relationship.jpg?1503245743" class="size_m justify_center border_" />“Healthy relationship” seems like a clinical term. Like a tonic or a remedy, it gives the illusion of something used to cure the clinically insane and depraved.<br><br>But isn’t a relationship a sort of cure? Aren’t we all a little bit crazy? Isn’t love a medicine for our aching souls? Isn’t a healthy relationship the one tonic we can’t wait to drink?<br><br>Healthy relationships are, indeed, a type of medicine. They calm us and heal us. They teach us how to love and make us strong.<br><br>They are a healing elixir after all the placebos and toxins. They are the answer to all the unhealthy relationships we’ve been drinking for years.<br><br>So what do you learn when you’ve finally taken the right dose? When you’ve finally experienced what it’s like to be in something healthy and right for a change?<br><br>Like dying and being reborn again, you learn everything for a second time. You learn what love means and what it doesn’t.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. You learn what’s worth fighting for and what was never worth your time.</strong><br><br>It takes a healthy relationship to realize all the bad. It takes the right thing to realize everything else was just wrong.<br><br>It takes a healthy relationship to realize you can never go back to anything unhealthy again.<br><br>Healthy relationships aren’t formed by two perfect people. They’re two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.<br><br>It isn’t the perfect love we all dreamed about — it’s this imperfect love we never imagined could be so much better.<br><br><br><strong>2. Arguments don’t tear you further apart, they bring you closer together.</strong><br><br>Unlike all those unhealthy relationships, you don’t need to start fights for attention.<br><br>You get enough attention, and fights are something you deal with, not deal out.<br><br>They’re something that naturally happens and always bring you closer.<br><br>You fight to further your relationship, to work through something, not further the wedge between the two of you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You don’t need to be together all the time to feel close<br><br><br><strong>3. Spending five days apart doesn’t make you start to question the relationship, but bask in its comfort. </strong><br><br>You don’t feel nervous or unappreciated when you’re not together.<br><br>You finally have that peace of mind that he or she loves you, and nothing, not even time apart, can change that.<br><br>You should never feel embarrassed to be yourself<br><br>Healthy couples know how to play like children and love like adults. They don’t need to constantly be impressing each other and aren’t afraid to embarrass themselves.<br><br>They aren’t scared to show their true colors – even if that means taking the makeup off and putting the real face on.<br><br><br><strong>4. Mundane things are enough to turn you on.</strong><br><br>Healthy couples aren’t about grand gestures and expensive lingerie. They’re about the little things that don’t need planning or praise.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>His or her smell, the little thoughtful things he or she does – bringing you food when you’re sick, picking up a prescription for you, covering you with a blanket.<br><br>Because these things aren’t about the pride of the act, but the unconscious devotion and love that didn’t require a second thought.<br><br><br><strong>5. The things you can’t change about a person, you wouldn’t change.</strong><br><br>There are always going to be things we don’t love about people.<br><br>There are also going to be things you can never change because they’re part of who they are.<br><br>When you’re in a healthy relationship, you don’t want to change a thing.<br><br>You may get annoyed or frustrated with certain aspects, but unlike in your last unhealthy relationship, those parts make your SO special, those parts are worth working with. Because those parts make him or her yours.<br><br><br><strong>6. Being vulnerable doesn’t make you weak.</strong><br><br>You depend on your SO. You love this person. You’d be devastated without him or her.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Your partner has a power over you, the kind of power that’s the closest we have to supernatural.<br><br>A healthy relationship is about respecting each other and the power you have over each other.<br><br>You know the other person can hurt you at any moment, but you trust enough to offer your heart up anyway.<br><br><br><strong>7. You will always be a work in progress.</strong><br><br>No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. Any relationship is work, but the right one is the most fulfilling work you’ll ever do. But it’s not just work on the relationship; it’s work on yourself.<br><br>It’s realizing there will be some things you need to compromise on and some things you really do need to change.<br><br>But it’s always for the better. Sometimes it takes being in a healthy relationship to realize some of the bad parts aren’t acceptable.<br><br><br><strong>8. You’ll never know everything, but every day you learn more.</strong><br><br>A healthy relationship is about learning and growing – two people teaching each other every day. You have stuff to give but aren’t above learning new things.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Being in this type of relationship should reaffirm that you don’t know everything.<br><br>You’re happy to be taught, but you’re also excited to teach what you do know. You feel proud to be a second part of the equation.<br><br><br><strong>9. You’re completely content with your choice.</strong><br><br><strong>10. You’re not constantly searching for something better. You’re never looking around. You don’t want anything better.<br><br>11. You’ve found what you’ve been looking for and feel relief in the closure of the chase.<br><br>12. You don’t look around because you’re too busy looking ahead – to your future and your life together.</strong><br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">This article first appeared as, <a contents="What You Learn When You’re Finally In A Healthy Relationship For Once" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/healthy-relationship-for-once/1001288/" target="_blank"><em>What You Learn When You’re Finally In A Healthy Relationship For Once</em></a> by <a contents="Lauren Martin" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/lmartin/" target="_blank">Lauren Martin</a> at <a contents="Elite Daily" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/" target="_blank">Elite Daily</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube</em></a><a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">,</em></a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/36892182020-05-24T08:15:00-04:002022-04-05T18:50:24-04:00Why People Cheat<p><em>Why People Cheat </em>by Mark Manson. See below for details <br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/b83e2a4c82541161659e5fb001e184e0241f6f9a/medium/why-people-cheat.jpg?1449612013" class="size_m justify_center border_" />I get a lot of email these days. People tell me all about their lives and sometimes ask me questions. Dad doesn’t talk to me anymore. My friends think I’m a nerd. What do I name my dog? Hi, will you marry me?<br><br>A lot of these emails involve people’s relationships. And a lot of these relationships are about as healthy as the Ebola virus. Cold, distant, loveless, and flesh-eating. I get to hear the stories about the heartbreak and loneliness, the lying and cheating, and the pain. Always the pain.<br><br>Inevitably these emails always end with some form of the same question: “Why?” Why does he/she do this to me? Why does he/she not care anymore? Why won’t he/she change?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I do think the question of fidelity, of why some people choose to remain faithful and others do not, is fairly straightforward and easily answered. I find that it’s very hard for most people to be logical about infidelity. They start raging all over the place and throwing people’s stuff out on the lawn. Or they get so sad and hurt that they can’t look at the situation reasonably and see all of the warning signs stretching out miles behind them.<br><br>So let’s break this down logically. I know algorithms aren’t exactly romantic or sexy. But then again, neither is cheating. So, you get an algorithm.<br><br>SELF-GRATIFICATION > INTIMACY = CHEATING<br><br>As humans, we all have a natural desire for self-gratification. Good food. Good sex. Little work. Lots of sleep. Video games and corn flakes.<br>As humans, we also all have a natural desire for intimacy and to feel loved by somebody else, to feel as though we are sharing our lives with somebody.<br>Unfortunately, these two needs are often contradictory. To achieve that intimacy and love, you have to sacrifice your own self-gratification at times. And to achieve self-gratification, you often have to sacrifice some love and intimacy.<br> <br>This can be as simple as watching a movie you don’t really like or attending some boring work party you don’t care about. But it can also be deep and complex, like being open about your fears and insecurities to your partner or making a conscious commitment to be monogamous with that person for an indefinite amount of time.<br><br>If a person values self-gratification more than the intimacy they gain from a relationship, then they will stop sacrificing for the relationship and are likely to end up cheating. If a person values the intimacy they gain from a relationship more than self-gratification, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their self-gratification to remain faithful.<br><br>Think of it like a scale. On one side you have self-gratification and on the other you have intimacy. If at any point the self-gratification side outweighs the intimacy side, well, then you get a cheater.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There are two ways this can happen. The first way is that a person is just shallow and selfish and needs to be gratified constantly. The second reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and desire.<br><br>Let’s unpack these two reasons separately.<br><br>REASON #1: AN OVERSIZED NEED FOR SELF-GRATIFICATION<br><br>In my eyes, the definition of maturity is the ability to defer self-gratification in favor of more important long-term goals.<br><br>You don’t goof off at work because that would get you fired. You don’t eat chocolate cake for breakfast every morning because that would give you a heart attack by the age of 32. You don’t mainline heroin straight into your eyeballs before picking your kids up from school because, well, do I really have to explain that one?<br><br>Sure, these things feel nice, but you have larger and more important concerns and you’re able to defer your own gratification to meet those concerns.<br><br>This is called “maturity.” It’s called “being an adult.” It’s called “not being a screw up.”<br><br>Cheating falls under the same umbrella here. Sure, it may feel good to get sexually involved with a beautiful stranger or a love from the past, but a mature person is capable of stepping back and deferring their gratification in favor of a more important life-long commitment.<br><br>You may ask here, “What about honesty?” as cheating is inherently dishonest. It is true that an honest person who chooses their own self-gratification will simply end a relationship rather than cheating. But the catch is that honesty also requires one to defer self-gratification, because being honest and hurting people’s feelings is not a gratifying or fun thing to do.<br><br>Let's continue. Self-gratifying cheaters come in two flavors: miserable over-compensators and people in power.<br><br>The miserable over-compensators are constantly focused on their own gratification because they feel so miserable about themselves that they need to make themselves feel good to cover it up all the time. Chances are that if your cheating deadbeat of an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend is a miserable over-compensator, cheating isn’t the only destructive self-gratifying behavior they pursue. They may be a heavy drinker, a hard partier, a drug user, or a social climber.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Or they may just try to take over the world.<br><br>The people in power are just that, people in high positions of power. They are people who don’t have anyone to say “no” to them or those who don’t face any real tangible repercussions for their actions.<br><br>But these don’t just need to be people with social power. These can be people who are given complete power over the relationship, people who are shown no repercussions for their actions by their partners. Yes, you can unwittingly enable your partner to cheat on you. Which brings us to the second reason.<br><br>REASON #2: THE LACK OF REAL INTIMACY<br><br>It’s not rocket science to say that the likelihood of infidelity in a relationship is directly proportional to how miserable the relationship is.<br><br>The problem is that many people don’t recognize the misery in their own relationships. They come from a family full of miserable relationships and/or have a long history of miserable relationships, so to them, it’s not even miserable, it’s just normal.<br><br>Then they get surprised when wifey is having sex with the milk man. Everything was so good, what happened?<br><br>No, it wasn’t so good buckeroo. Let me explain why.<br><br>Look, there are two relationship patterns that usually end up with somebody cheating. Both involve poor boundaries. And both create an illusion that “everything is great,” when really it’s falling apart.<br><br>The first situation is when one partner feels as though they “do everything” for the other partner. They take care of them, give them everything they want, and in some cases support them. The person feels like a saint and then what happens? They get cheated on.<br><br>The reason this is actually a toxic situation is that when you do everything for your partner, when you take care of all of their problems and show them that no matter what happens you will always make it better for them, you show them that there are essentially no repercussions for their actions.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>They lose their job because they were goofing off at the office again and you decide to support them. Then they spend the next six months loafing around on your couch while you tirelessly send out their resume for them. What makes you think they’re going to change? What makes you think they will ever stop and question their own behavior?<br><br>If you had a dog that continuously peed on your rug and every time you just cleaned up the rug because OMIGOD I LOVE HER, why would the dog ever stop peeing on it?<br><br>That’s what happens when these people cheat on you. You’re actually surprised when you’ve been tolerating and enabling the exact behavior that led them to cheat all along. No, it’s not your “fault,” but you weren’t helping the matter.<br><br>Believe it or not, a healthy and loving relationship requires that people say “no” to one another on occasion. It requires that each individual stands up for themselves and their needs. Because only then can two people, as self-respecting individuals, discuss what will work and what won’t work for them in a relationship.<br><br>The other situation where cheating always ends up happening is when one partner is insanely possessive and jealous.<br><br>Let me ask you this, if you were dating somebody who regularly looked through your phone without permission, demanded to know where you were at all times, got pissed off every time you went out with your friends without him/her and screamed at you until blood vessels popped in their face if you go a single day without calling or texting, why wouldn’t you cheat?<br><br>I mean, this person is essentially treating you like you already cheated, even though you did nothing wrong. So why not cheat? It won’t get any worse.<br><br>And that’s exactly what happens. “Well, my husband yells at me every day anyway, and now that I’m with my friends and we’ve have had a few apple-tinis, I realize I haven’t been happy with him in about a year, so yeah, why don’t I kiss this cute guy hitting on me right now? He’s actually nice to me. And I’m going to get yelled at when I go home anyway. So why not?”<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And boom, the milkman strikes again.<br><br>Possessive/jealous behavior communicates extreme insecurity and a lack of self-respect. How can your partner respect you if you are incapable of tolerating any sort of discomfort in the relationship whatsoever?<br><br>True sexy confidence comes not from fighting for self-gratification, but rather from being comfortable with deferring gratification. Which brings us too…<br><br>HOW TO PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING CHEATED ON<br><br>Step 1: Do not date somebody who cannot defer self-gratification well<br><br>This goes without saying, but don’t fall in love with the first person who looks at you without grimacing.<br><br><strong>Look, dating a self-gratifier can be awesome, as long as you continue to gratify them. But you need to learn to look past the feel-goods and look at how this person actually lives their life. Are they capable of making sacrifices for those around them? Are they impulsive? Does their life appear to be filled with unnecessary drama? Do they take responsibility for their actions?</strong><br><br><strong>The problem with people who base their lives around their own gratification is that they often appear confident to people who are anxious or insecure. I remember when I met my first girlfriend, one of the things I loved about her was that if she wanted something she just went and did it. I was so insecure and inhibited at the time that I thought this was an amazing display of confidence.</strong><br><br>What I later found out was that it was actually an amazing display of self-gratification. As soon as she wanted a different lover, well, there they were.<br><br>As I described in this article, true sexy confidence only exists when someone is comfortable with what they don’t have. True confidence comes from being able to defer and give up one’s own gratification and desires and take the appropriate actions when necessary.<br><br>The other issue with people who date self-gratifiers is that they think to themselves, “Well, he’s so loving and happy when he’s with me, why would he ever want to be with somebody else?”<br><br>Yeah, it’s because he was dating you for the self-gratification, not the intimacy. So of course he loved being with you, as long as it was on his terms. As soon as you quit providing gratification for him, he went and found somebody else who did.<br><br>Step 2: Enforce healthy boundaries<br><br>That means standing up for yourself. That means declaring what is and is not acceptable in the relationship both for yourself and your partner. That means sticking by those declarations and following through on them.<br><br>That means you recognize that you are not responsible for your partner’s happiness nor are they responsible for yours. That you do not have a right to demand certain actions from them nor do they have a right to demand certain actions from you.<br><br>That means that they are responsible for their own struggles just as you are responsible for yours.<br><br>That means that you realize often the most loving and compassionate thing you can do for a loved one is allow them to deal with their struggles themselves.<br><br>The point of a relationship is not for you to have all of your life’s problems fixed by your partner, nor is it for you to fix all of your partner’s life problems.<br><br>The point of a relationship is to have two individuals unconditionally support each other as they deal with their own problems together.<br><br>Step 3: Always be willing to leave<br><br>This comes up in a lot of my replies to those emails I get, and it often catches people off guard.<br><br>But a relationship is only as strong as each person’s willingness to leave. Note that I didn’t say desire to leave, but the willingness to leave. Every healthy relationship requires the occasional loving but stern “no.” Otherwise nothing will ever change because there’s no reason for it to change.<br><br>A wise friend of mine told me years ago that after two divorces the most important lesson he learned was that “the quickest way to kill a relationship is to take each other for granted.”<br><br>A relationship is not an obligation. It is a choice. Made every day. It is a choice that says, “The intimacy we share is better for me than my own self-gratification.” It is a choice that recognizes the short-term costs are worth the long-term benefits. It is a choice to appreciate what brought you two together in the first place. And then to let that keep you there.<br><br>Read another popular post:<span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">This article first appeared as<em> <a contents="Why People Cheat" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat" target="_blank">Why People Cheat</a></em> by <a contents="Mark Manson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/" target="_blank">Mark Manson</a>. Click on Mr. Manson's article to follow him on the social networks.<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube</em></a><a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/41080852020-05-23T06:50:00-04:002022-04-05T18:50:27-04:005 Things To Remember About The One You Believe Got Away<p><em>5 Things Every Guy Needs To Remember About The One Who Got Away</em> by Matthew Farris at Elite Daily. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/90710f97e98441526041b37a876f11d0f0943270/medium/5-things-to-remember-about-the-one-you-believe-got-away.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_center border_" />For the most part, we all have at least one. At least one person whose memory is so deeply embedded into our psyche that he or she invades more thoughts than he or she should on a daily basis. </p>
<p>Whether it’s been weeks, months or years since you’ve seen this person, whether this person moved on or you moved on, his or her place, in your mind’s eye, is permanent. You can recall every detail of the one who got away’s face, including the frown lines, the crooked smile, the birthmarks and the way his or her eyes would sparkle when he or she laughed. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>And as well you should, since you’ve spent so much time gazing at this person. As a great artist, Felt, once said, “I’ll be looking at your face like I’ll be tested on it later.” I think we can all remember at least one person we looked at with such intensity. </p>
<p>For so many of us, it was a “right person, wrong time” kind of situation. It sucks, and when you think about it, you start to wonder why fate decided to bend you over. The questions still come, like, “Why did it have to be this way?” and “Why couldn’t I fix it?” </p>
<p>Well, hindsight is always 20/20; it’s usually one of those “if I knew then what I know now” things. That’s easy enough to understand, but seems rather unfair when you find yourself comparing your dates to them and realizing that nobody seems to measure up. </p>
<p>That realization is usually accompanied by a paralyzing fear that you’re going to end up old and alone, with a multitude of animals and a bad temper, screaming at neighborhood children for being on your lawn. All because you lost the one who you believe was your chance at true fairy tale love, the type that is glamorized in, like, every TV show and movie ever made. (At least it seems that way when you’ve been single for a while.) </p>
<p>This is all inevitable, but it’s not all bad. Once you think rationally about it all, you start to realize it was a great learning experience. This is something that can teach you more than any class in any grade in any school. These are real life lessons that will be applicable in the future, if you’re smart enough to apply them. Maybe, just maybe, by doing so, it’ll provide a healthier foundation for you to build a future relationship on. </p>
<p>These are five things I’ve learned after dwelling on the past and one who got away: </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>1. Not all love lasts forever, and it doesn’t have to</strong>. </p>
<p>Everyone longs for and believes in that undying love, the love shared between two people as they grow old together. The love that brings tears to the eyes of anyone with even an inkling of romanticism.<br><br>The love that makes you feel something fierce when you see an old couple holding hands, and you just know they’ve been doing that happily for 40+ years. Yes, that is ideal, and that is certainly true love. But who’s to say that’s the only type of love to cherish? </p>
<p>I read something recently that really resonated with me; it was a quote from a book written by the world’s greatest pick-up artist turned self-help guru, Neil Strauss: We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times, it stays for a second, a day, a month or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it. </p>
<p>This blew my mind and changed my entire perspective. I was so busy hating love and cursing it for the pain that it caused, that I forgot to be grateful. I’ve been in love or "infatuated" three times. Some people don’t ever experience that. I should appreciate the fact that I was able to experience and embrace the most powerful emotion there is, multiple times. </p>
<p>Not to mention, every one of those girls holds a place in my heart and taught me about myself. For that I will be forever indebted. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>2. You’ll realize what’s right for you after you realize what’s wrong. </strong></p>
<p>I’ve made mistakes in every relationship I have had, but so have they. Through it all, I learned what’s right for me. </p>
<p>How I should behave, how I want my future significant other to behave, and what I can/can’t deal with. I’ve learned about the traits that matter most to me and what doesn’t really mean jack. <br><br>I can know, almost instantaneously, if someone is incompatible with me or if there is a chance we can develop into something. If I didn’t suffer through the wrong relationships, I would have no idea what the right one would look like when (if) the day comes when it’s staring me in the face. </p>
<p><br><strong>3. You need to put the same amount of effort into keeping someone as you did into getting the one who got away.</strong> </p>
<p>This is true for everyone, but I feel it’s especially true for guys. </p>
<p>Ladies, do you have any idea how many hoops we’ll leap through to get your attention? Or the way we’ll bend over backward to keep it? We have a history of doing crazy stuff in pursuit of the opposite sex, and we put so much thought into every move we make. </p>
<p>The problem is, once we do all of that and we hooked someone in, we get lazy over time. The “good morning” texts become less frequent, the “flowers for no reason” thing happens once in a blue moon, and we start to take for granted what we have. </p>
<p>That goes for everyone, men and women. We become complacent and stop putting in effort. We stop focusing on making sure the person we’re with feels special. We stop looking at our partners like they’re the only people in the room, no matter where we go. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I know that life gets hectic; I’m well aware that stuff happens, but if we could manage to even put 80 percent of that original effort in, I think so many relationships could be saved. </p>
<p><br><strong>4. Don’t settle for the sake of settling down, and don’t fall in love with the idea of love. </strong></p>
<p>These two go hand in hand, so I consider it one thing to list. Especially now, this time of year, a couple months after the major holidays and after Valentine’s Day, people start to analyze why they’re single.<br><br>Some people are willing to dive headfirst into any relationship just to feel that validation. If you have ever even thought you found “the one,” possibly multiple times in your life, you’re able to see that a relationship destined to fail from the start is worse than no relationship at all. </p>
<p>In fact, it’s been said that a relationship shouldn’t be considered a failure because it doesn’t last forever. It’s a failure when two people stay in it for longer than it’s working. </p>
<p>When you’ve been in the trenches of this love stuff, fought the losing wars and made it out alive, but not unscathed, you get a sense of clarity. You understand how powerful the emotion is, why people are in love with the idea of love, and you understand that you will never let that happen to you. </p>
<p>You refuse to settle for less than you want, less than you’re worth and less than you need in a future partner. You won’t lower your standards and settle for someone just for the sake of settling down. You know well that you’re waiting for the right person. </p>
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</p><p>I’m guilty of this, and I’m certain so many others are as well. You get so wrapped up in finding out about your new partner, his or her interests and trying to prove your compatibility that you start to lose focus. The focus on your passions, drive, hobbies and the things that shape you as an individual get deterred until your world becomes about his or her world. </p>
<p>As much as I try to believe in the “two souls become one” notion when true love and marriage occurs, I can never stand by and let myself lose the things that made me the way I have been in the past. I was a shell of who I am when I was so wrapped up in a relationship.<br><br>I didn’t write the way I needed to. I didn’t make music consistently. I was worried about my artistic content offending my partner, and I couldn’t take the solitary time needed to do what I needed to without fear of bothering him or her. That’s no way to live and no way to love. </p>
<p>I don’t blame anyone but myself for this, and if you’ve done the same stuff, neither can you. The bottom line is everyone needs to find a balance on being someone else’s other half while still being 100 percent themselves. </p>
<p>Well, that’s it. I guarantee there is more stuff that I learned that I’m forgetting. I’m also positive that in times of introspection and reminiscing, there is more that I will learn from everything. </p>
<p>Read another popular post: <em><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em> <br><br>This article first appeared as<em> <a contents="5 Things Every Guy Needs To Remember About The One Who Got Away " data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/guy-one-who-got-away/1387631/" target="_blank">5 Things Every Guy Needs To Remember About The One Who Got Away</a></em><a contents="5 Things Every Guy Needs To Remember About The One Who Got Away " data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/guy-one-who-got-away/1387631/" target="_blank"> </a>by <a contents="Matthew Farris" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/mfarris/" target="_blank">Matthew Farris</a> at Elite Daily. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br>--- <br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em>or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="/Contact" data-link-type="page" href="/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37256102020-05-22T06:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:50:56-04:00My Marriage Wasn’t Meant to Be<p><a contents="My Marriage Wasn’t Meant to Be" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/i-didnt-marry-the-one-she-become-the-one-after-i-married-her/" target="_blank"><em>My Marriage Wasn’t Meant to Be</em></a> by <a contents="Matt Walsh" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.theblaze.com/author/matt-walsh/" target="_blank">Matt Walsh</a> made some great points. Click on Mr. Walsh's name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br>---<br><br>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: I don't always agree with every view in every article I publish. But I do like articles from educated and passionate writers with interesting perspectives. Whether you agree with Mr. Walsh or not, I thought his views were worth reading. As my mentor told me pertaining to philosophy, "When you eat fish, you swallow the meat and spit out the bones. You don't throw out supper."<br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/844513ef251564157c40ef2dab05760145b5dcc8/medium/my-marriage-wasn-t-meant-to-be.jpg?1433266820" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>I've discovered that unfortunately, men and women are profoundly impacted by how pop culture depicts romantic relationships.<br><br>Movies aren't the only culprit — but it's part of the problem. Think of the glamorization of the “mysterious” and “damaged” guy from the “wrong side of the tracks.” Hollywood makes him seem alluring and sexy, but forgets to mention that most of the time, in the real world, that dude probably has herpes, a coke habit, and a criminal record.<br><br>Still, that bit of propaganda is nothing compared to the underlying misconception that so many of us carry around consciously or subconsciously, because we’ve seen it on TV and in the movies, and read it in books a million times since childhood: namely, that there is just one person out there for us. Our soul mate. Our Mr. or Mrs. Right. The person we are “meant to be with.”<br><br>We think that our task is to find this preordained partner and marry them because, after all, they’re “The One.” They were designed for us, for us and only us. It’s written in the stars, prescribed in the cosmos, commanded by God or Mother Earth. There are six or seven billion people in the world, but only one of them is the right one, we think, and we’ll stay single until we happen to stumble into them one day.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And when that day happens, when The One — our soul mate, our match, our spirit-twin — comes barreling into our lives to whisk us off our feet and take us on canoe rides and deliver impassioned romantic monologues on a beach in the rain or in a bus station or whatever, then we’ll finally be happy. Happy until the end of time. We can get married and have a perfect union; a Facebook Photo Marriage, where every day is like an Instragam of you and your spouse wearing comfortable socks and sitting next to the fireplace drinking Starbucks lattes.<br><br>Yeah. About that. It’s bull crap, sorry. Not just silly, frivolous bull crap, but bull crap that will destroy you and eat your marriage alive from the inside. It’s a lie. A vicious, cynical lie that leads only to disappointment and confusion. The Marriage of Destiny is a facade, but the good news is that Real Marriage is something so much more loving, joyful, and true.<br><br>I didn’t marry The One, I married this one, and the two of us became one.<br><br>We’ve got it all backwards, you see. I didn’t marry my wife because she’s The One, she’s The One because I married her. Until we were married, she was one, I was one, and we were both one of many. I didn’t marry The One, I married this one, and the two of us became one. I didn’t marry her because I was “meant to be with her,” I married her because that was my choice, and it was her choice, and the Sacrament of marriage is that choice. I married her because I love her — I chose to love her — and I chose to live the rest of my life in service to her. We were not following a script, we chose to write our own, and it’s a story that contains more love and happiness than any romantic fable ever conjured up by Hollywood.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Indeed, marriage is a decision, not the inevitable result of unseen forces outside of our control. When we got married, the pastor asked us if we had “come here freely.” If I had said, “well, not really, you see destiny drew us together,” that would have brought the evening to an abrupt and unpleasant end. Marriage has to be a free choice or it is not a marriage. That’s a beautiful thing, really.<br><br>Free will is the greatest gift to us because without it, nothing is possible. Love is not possible without will. If we cannot choose to love, then we cannot love. God or Mother Nature or whatever you believe in did not program us like robots to be compatible with only one other machine. We were created as individuals, endowed with the incredible, unprecedented power to choose. And with that choice, we are to go out and find a partner, and make that partner our soul mate.<br><br>That’s what we do. We make our spouses into our soul mates by marrying them. We don’t simply recognize that they are soul mates and then just sort of symbolically consecrate that recognition through what would then be an effectively meaningless marriage sacrament. Instead, we find another unique, dynamic, wholly individualized human being, and we make the monumental, supernatural decision to bind ourselves to them for eternity.<br><br>It’s a bold and risky move, no matter how you look at it. It’s important to recognize this, not so that you can run away like a petrified little puppy and never tie the knot with anyone, but so that you can go into marriage knowing, at least to some extent, what you’re really doing. This person wasn’t made for you. It wasn’t “designed” to be. There will be some parts of your relationship that are incongruous and conflicting. It won’t all click together like a set of Legos, as you might expect if you think this coupling was fated in the stars.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s funny that people get divorced and often cite “irreconcilable differences.” Well what did they think was going to happen? Did they think every difference would be reconcilable? Did they think every bit of contention between them could be perfectly and permanently solved?<br><br>People go into marriage with the mentality of children, and I really think that pop culture has a lot to do with that. Marriage is a choice made against the odds. That’s what’s so exciting about it. Thankfully, I made this choice with my wife. She is now my soul mate, my other, my completion, but I could not say that about her until we said “I do” to each other.<br><br>We could have not said it, you know. She could have met someone else. I could have fled into the hills to be a celibate hermit for the rest of my life. She could have moved to the city and married some rich lawyer or banker. She could have never called me back after our first date. We could have dated for years until eventually the relationship flickered out, as they almost always do. She could have gone to California to become an actress. I could have moved to Denmark and shacked up with a Scandinavian crossing guard named Helga.<br><br>There were literally millions of things that either of us could have done. An innumerable multitude of possible outcomes, but this was our outcome because we chose it. Not because we were destined or predetermined, not because it was “meant to happen,” but because we chose it. That, to me, is much more romantic than getting pulled along by fate until the two of us inevitably collide and all that was written in our horoscopes passively comes to unavoidable fruition.<br><br>We are the protagonists of our love story, not the spectators.<br><br>There’s no doubt that certain personality types might gel better with you; you might have a few specific traits and characteristics you’re looking for in a mate. It’s good to have standards, obviously. I’m not saying that you should just throw yourself into the mosh pit and say, “hey, I have no soul mate so I’ll just marry anyone! Who’s game?”<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But I am saying that, if you’re single, there are probably hundreds of options out there. None of them soul mates, but all of them possibly potential soul mates. You don’t have to sift around for that one custom made, personalized grain of sand in the desert. You’ll be alone forever if you do that, and you don’t have to be alone forever.<br><br>I can acknowledge all of this without feeling like I’ve minimized the significance of my relationship with my wife. Quite the opposite. This is what makes our marriage such an immense and tremendous and inconceivable thing. It was a choice, one of many possible choices made freely by two free people, but that choice — that moment — was eternal. Like C.S. Lewis wrote, it was a moment that contained all moments.<br><br>As human beings, we rarely make eternal choices. We rarely make choices that last the day, in fact. We choose one thing and then another and then back to the original and then something else and then something else. But in marriage we choose each other, we consecrate that choice, our souls are fused together, and that’s it. We have permanently altered our reality, our identity, through one choice. How beautiful and miraculous is that?<br><br>There’s a very real danger inherent in the “there’s only one particular person out there for you” mentality. Think about it. If you are “meant” for one specific person, who’s to say when and if you’ve met them? Who’s to say that the person you married is them? And who’s to say that you don’t get married and then, just like that, someone moves in next door, or you get a new coworker at the office, or you run into someone at the grocery store, or you lock eyes with the cashier at Trader Joe’s and all of a sudden you realize that this is your real soul mate, the person you were “supposed” to marry?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If we are meant for someone in particular, who’s to say you’re wrong? Sure, adultery is evil, but this is your soul mate we’re talking about here. This is the person The Universe designed for you. Can It really be mad if you ditch the mistake in favor of your true Prince or Princess Charming? Maybe you’re technically a backstabbing, adulterating cheater, but you’re just following your heart, and who can fault you? You’re correcting a mistake. Resolving a cosmic injustice. Fulfilling your destiny. Isn’t that what cheaters often tell themselves?<br><br>This is the dark underbelly of pop culture fairy tales. It gives a free pass to adulterers, and convinces married people to follow their emotions rather than stay true to their vows.<br><br>Well, they’re either right or they’re wrong. And if they’re wrong, then we’re led right back to my conclusion.<br><br>My wife and I weren’t destined for each other. It wasn’t fate that brought us together. We are bound not by karma, but by our choice. That might not make for a good tagline for the next Hollywood movie, but it’s far more romantic than anything they can create.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as<em> <a contents="My Marriage Wasn’t Meant to Be" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/i-didnt-marry-the-one-she-become-the-one-after-i-married-her/" target="_blank">My Marriage Wasn’t Meant to Be</a></em> by <a contents="Matt Walsh" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.theblaze.com/author/matt-walsh/" target="_blank">Matt Walsh</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube</em></a><a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">,</em></a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/36273952020-05-21T07:00:00-04:002022-04-05T18:51:07-04:0030 Ways To Be More Intimate With Your Wife<p><em>30 Ways to be Intimate With Your Wife</em> by Sean Platt. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><br>Dear men, intimacy can be defined in many ways.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2b78a3a5e009468b39d849e8fe1beb578892b61e/medium/30-ways-to-be-more-intimate-with-your-wife.jpg?1427475073" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Truth is, intimacy isn’t what happens between the sheets. Intimacy means fostering a warm, friendly, informal atmosphere that makes is easy to share mutual interests, habits or affections.<br><br>Sex equals intimacy, but intimacy doesn’t necessarily equal sex.<br><br>Intimacy with your spouse should be the breath of your relationship. Yes, intimacy should include physical touch and carnal pleasure, but it must also be a core value that leads you to a deeper understanding of your partner.<br><br>Nurture your intimacy and you will have a union that is happier, healthier, and filled with surprises. Get to know your best half a little better and remind her that she’s the center of your universe. Gather insight into her interests outside of the bedroom and you might be surprised at what happens once the door is closed.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Here are 30 ways to be intimate with your wife. Start today and by this time next month you’ll be making the neighbors jealous.<br><br><br><strong>1. Have a Picnic</strong><br><br>Whether you have a picnic at the park, beach, or living room floor, sharing a blanket full of food is a simple yet terrific way to enhance intimacy. You could be sitting beneath a cloud-filled sky dreaming of what will one day be, or in front of the fireplace reveling in silence – the one-one-one without the usual distractions will reinforce the idea that all you need is each other.<br><br><br><strong>2. Take her to the arts</strong><br><br>Maybe your wife isn’t the theater type. But if ballet, opera or anything on the stage is something she would enjoy, two tickets for an evening at the theater will show how much you care. Ballet or opera probably aren’t for, but it isn’t about you. Buying tickets shows an active interest in her.<br><br><br><strong>3. Book a room at a local bed and breakfast</strong><br><br>This is a low maintenance way to experience the benefits of time away without emptying your bank account. Lavish your lover with a romantic evening and a leisurely breakfast, and let someone else do all the heavy lifting.<br><br><br><strong>4. Send flowers to work</strong><br><br>Take it from me, a guy who worked in a flower shop for 12 years. Women LOVE getting flowers, especially at work. Having flowers delivered to your wife’s workplace will make the women around her jealous. Imagine what that might do for you.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>5. Surprise her</strong><br><br>Leave an hour early from work and have a nice dinner prepared when she gets home. Schedule a babysitter for the kids if you need to, but make the evening about the two of you.<br><br><br><strong>6. Prepare a gift basket full of romantic items</strong><br><br>Your wife works hard. Sometimes all she wants is a break. Give her what she needs with a basket brimming full of bath salts, chocolates, bubble bath and scented candles. The basket does the hard work for you, providing her with a calm, relaxing (and accessible) escape from reality.<br><br><br><strong>7. Make a romantic memory scavenger hunt</strong><br><br>I’m sure you remember back when you first started dating and intimacy wasn’t a problem. Create a scavenger hunt built around your personal histories; your first kiss, first I love you!, or any old moment worth reliving. She’ll love the memories!<br><br><br><strong>8. Give her public praise</strong><br><br>Just as sending flowers to her workplace will build her self esteem and help her see you in a softer light, even when you’re not around, praising her in public, whether she’s present or not, will do the same – especially when she hears others repeating your words back to her.<br><br><br><strong>9. Make her breakfast in bed</strong><br><br>It’s cliché, but you can never go wrong with breakfast in bed (as long as you don’t burn anything or settle for cold cereal!).<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>10. Do your chores (and hers)</strong><br><br>Surprise her by completing a stray chore or lingering home project that’s been laying unfinished for too long. Chipping in shows her you don’t take her for granted. Whether you’re helping to potty train your toddler, or finally finishing building the deck, your extra set of hands won’t go unnoticed.<br><br><br><strong>11. Maintain eye contact</strong><br><br>Great eye contact sends the signal that your partner’s words are important to you. It shows your interest and affection. This will make your wife feel valued.<br><br><br><strong>12. Talk about your goals, then record them together</strong><br><br>Discuss what you want for your collective future, then write those goals and set a date to re-evaluate them every six months. This will this make a great date night, but more importantly, it will establish a tradition of bonding that will keep you growing as a couple.<br><br><br><strong>13. Give her a seven second kiss</strong><br><br>No need to hurry. Give her the same lingering lips you once did, back before she did all your laundry and you mailed all the bills.<br><br><br><strong>14. Be a better listener</strong><br><br>Intimacy is about understanding and appreciating your wife’s desires and interests. Being a better listener means more than not watching TV while she’s talking, it’s about caring enough to ask the questions that will fertilize the conversation.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>15. Have a mini-honeymoon</strong><br><br>Make time to get away for a long weekend. How long has it been since the two of you spent significant time alone together? Chances are, you’re overdue. Choose a special spot to get away from it all, and use your time to learn a little more about each other.<br><br><br><strong>16. Have manners</strong><br><br>Be a gentleman. This may not seem like a big deal, but courtesy might be a bigger turn on for your Mrs. than you realize. Don’t let chivalry die on your watch; open the door, pull out her chair and by all means, use the manners your mama gave you.<br><br><br><strong>17. Let her rest</strong><br><br>When the kids rise in the middle of the night, or are up first thing Sunday morning, take the initiative to lead the family toward quiet. Bonus points if you take her out to breakfast when she wakes up!<br><br><br><strong>18. Put her goals first</strong><br><br>If your wife wants to go back to school, make sure she has the chance. Whether she wants to learn sewing or scuba diving, give her time to learn and grow herself. If your wife feels like she’s growing as a woman and person, she will be happier and healthier – so will your entire family.<br><br><br><strong>19. Write a mission statement</strong><br><br>Take the time to write the expectations for your marriage and family. Sitting down and sharing goals is an extremely intimate experience. Deciding where to take your family together is the first step in getting where you’ve always wanted to go.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>20. Renew your wedding vows</strong><br><br>You can’t do this one often, but it’s guaranteed to carry a lot of capital when you do!<br><br><br><strong>21. Ask your wife about her fears</strong><br><br>Find out what makes her most insecure. This might even be uncomfortable, but only for a bit, and true intimacy is sometimes built by asking tough questions. Schedule a romantic dinner. Then ask what makes her sad and listen to her every word. Offer suggestions when appropriate, but it’s most important to simply listen.<br><br><br><strong>22. Alleviate her fears</strong><br><br>Find ways to alleviate her fears and insecurities. Use your new knowledge to help your wife find a better outlook. Let her know you are there to put her first and protect her forever.<br><br><br><strong>23. Put her first</strong><br><br>Value your wife above everyone else and make sure she knows how you feel. Your friends will always be around, your parents are family, but your wife should feel like she’s the most important person in your orbit.<br><br><br><strong>24. Court her</strong><br><br>Remember how easy intimacy seemed before you said, “I do!” Intimacy doesn’t end after you get married, but it’s up to you to bring it back. You’ve caught her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t ever want to be chased.<br><br><br><strong>25. Spend quality time together</strong><br><br>Invite her for some quality alone time. Mark it on the calendar and don’t let anything get in the way. She deserves the attention and will appreciate having it.<br><br><br><strong>26. Write love letters</strong><br><br>Making your feelings permanent with ink will go a long, long way. You don’t have to be Shakespeare to express your affection. Write from your heart. She will love it.<br><br><br><strong>27. Show her intimacy without expectation</strong><br><br>Show her how much you love her without wanting anything in return. She will likely give you things you weren’t even asking for.<br><br><br><strong>28. Make her feel noticed</strong><br><br>Let her know she looks beautiful when she takes the time to look pretty. Humans crave attention, you’re wife’s no different. Pay attention when she goes the extra mile and compliment her as often as possible.<br><br><br><strong>29. Recreate your first date</strong><br><br>Tell your wife you’re taking her out, but don’t tell her where you’re going. You may be inhibited by time or geography, but do your best to recreate the experience of your first date together.<br><br><br><strong>30. Share an activity you both enjoy</strong><br><br>How about taking dancing lessons? Not only is this fun and intimate, taking dancing lessons together will ultimately lead to the two of you going out and practicing what you learned – then returning home electrified.<br><br>Intimacy is more than a physical desire; it’s learning who your lover is on a deeper, more emotional level; discovering her interests and affections, and learning to appreciate the same things, at least on some level.<br><br>Take a month, try some of these ideas. See how much more there is to learn about the person you thought could no longer surprise you. Intimacy is a process, not an event, and it doesn’t end with marriage. Find it and you’ve found the golden goose that will lay golden eggs forever.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br><a contents="30 Ways to be Intimate With Your Wife" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://simplemarriage.net/30-ways-to-be-intimate-with-your-wife/" target="_blank"><em>30 Ways to be Intimate With Your Wife</em></a> by <a contents="Sean Platt" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://sterlingandstone.net/" target="_blank">Sean Platt</a>, on<a contents=" simplemarriage.net" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://simplemarriage.net/" target="_blank"> simplemarriage.net</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37044692020-05-20T06:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:51:18-04:00A Woman's View: 11 Qualities I Look For In A Man After Observing My Dad<p><em>11 Qualities I Want In A Boyfriend That I Learned From The First Love of My Life, My Dad</em> by Gigi Engle. See details below.<br><br>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: We all have a girlfriend or a kid sister, or a mom who's dating again after a husband passed or another rocky relationship ended. To all my aunts, girlfriends, sisters, and surrogate mothers in the world, this one's for you. I personally would like to add something to #6. Reading allows us to escape into other's people's minds. We are more prone to empathize with people from various frames of references and points of views because we were exposed to those outlooks through reading. We become more compassionate people. <br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/eea514f0c7c2ddac37caee669091488ed5b31550/medium/a-womans-view-11-qualities-i-look-for-in-a-man-after-observing-my-dad.jpg?1502487962" class="size_m justify_center border_" />My dad is the greatest man I have ever known. I don’t think there are too many girls out there who can say that. He’s been my greatest advocate when I’ve needed support, had my best interest in mind and never failed to help me mend a broken heart.<br><br>My daddy has every characteristic a girl should look for when seeking out a partner. He’s the kind of man who will insist we make a detour on the way home from the movies because he wants to bring my mom her favorite specialty candy.<br><br>He’s the kind of man who wants to watch old movies with me a million times. He’s the kind of man who will do my taxes because I’m too inept to figure them out myself. I hope the man I end up with shares many qualities with my father.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Here are 11 lessons about men that I learned from the best man I know:<br><br><br><strong>1. Never settle</strong><br><br>My dad taught me that settling is not an option. His kindness, generosity and understanding heart have always been qualities that I admire and adore. I could never settle for some Jo Schmo who specializes in the mundane and has a Ph.D. in boring.<br><br>I want someone who will sing and dance with me and someone who will support me in everything I that I do; someone who will challenge me and always be my biggest cheerleader.<br><br><br><strong>2. Marry a man who loves children</strong><br><br>My dad can cradle a little bundle of joy to sleep in a matter of minutes while cooing songs. I want to marry a man who loves to play with our kids, who wants to take them to the park and who wants to build them awesome rocketship beds.<br><br>A man who loves children is a man with a pure heart and an infinite amount of compassion. Watch how a man is with children and that’s how you’ll be able to tell if he could potentially be a worthy father for your own someday.<br><br><br><strong>3. Don’t date that hot jerk</strong><br><br>That “bad boy” might be a good kisser and his awesome tattoos might make him alluring, but truthfully, it’s the nice ones who deserve your time. The nice ones are the ones who will bring you soup on sick days at work and pick you up when you’re down.<br><br>I want to marry a man who isn’t afraid to show his emotions, hold my hand and treat me with genuine understanding and kindness. They say that the nice guys always finish last; well, the nice guy will always end up stealing my heart.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. Intelligence is the sexiest trait a guy can have</strong><br><br>My dad is extremely well read and knowledgeable. My mother used to call him “Dr. Daddy” because of the precision and care in which he fixed my cuts and scrapes. I remember thinking he was a real doctor because he seemed to know so much about medicine.<br><br>He also seemed to know everything about history, science and math. He is the smartest man I have ever met and I still learn new things from him every day. Intelligence is one of the first things I look for in a man.<br><br><br><strong>5. I want to be loved</strong><br><br>I’ve never seen anyone look at his wife the way that my father looks at my mom. I want to be with a man who adores me and who is in awe of me. I want to be with a man who wakes up next to me every morning and thinks, “Wow, I am the luckiest guy in the world.” <br><br>It’s a look that communicates that he has no idea how on earth he ended up such an amazing woman and is constantly thankful for his good fortune. I hope my man will look at me in the same way.<br><br><br><strong>6. Only date readers</strong><br><br>"If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have a lot of books, don’t sleep with them." – John Waters<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You shouldn’t, indeed! If there’s anything that my father’s endless books and thirst for literature have taught me, it’s that books contain the magic of other worlds. When I fall in love, it will be with a man who loves to read as much as I do.<br><br><br><strong>7. Marry someone who wants a partner</strong><br><br>You should want a person who wants to be your equal and who wants just as much out of life as you do. You should want a man who supports your dreams and encourages you to pursue your greatest desires.<br><br>You should want a partner, but you should also want someone who wants you and loves to take care of you, as well; someone who will bring you chicken soup when you’re sick and hold your hand when your dog dies. Likewise, you should always be willing to offer that same level of care and support for him.<br><br><br><strong>8. Only give your heart to someone who will treasure it</strong><br><br>The heart is a delicate, complicated entity and it is easily broken. Only give it to someone who will handle it with care. We may pretend to be strong, but we girls have fragile hearts that need tender loving.<br><br>Of course, love is always a risk and a leap of faith, but when you find the love that you want to last forever, it should be with someone who will unabashedly adore you.<br><br><br><strong>9. Never be afraid to stand your ground in an argument if you know you're right</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You should never feel like you are not able to speak your mind in a relationship. If he’s done something that makes you angry or said something to hurt your feelings, don’t be afraid to tell him. Relationships are about communication and without it, they fall apart.<br><br>If you think he has messed up, tell him. The man I’m going to love won’t be afraid or too proud to apologize for hurting me, and he will try everything he can to make me happy again.<br><br><br><strong>10. Fall in love with someone who surprises you</strong><br><br>Life is too short for the unexciting. Sure, you’ll fall into a routine. Go to work, come home, have dinner, (have sex?) and go to bed. But, don’t let the excitement die because of the repetition. If you get bored, you will lose that spark.<br><br>My father is always surprising my mother with special date nights, flowers and kisses (which gross me out, but are still adorable). I’m going to love a man who keeps me guessing; who loves what we have together so much that he’s always thinking of little things to keep me on my toes.<br><br>A girl should want a man who is always asking questions about the world around him; a man who is constantly challenging himself and trying to improve himself. A man worth marrying is never stationary for very long.<br><br><br><strong>11. When he does thoughtful things for you, take note.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Don’t let the sweet things a man does for you go unnoticed. I will appreciate that single rose left on the kitchen table for me when I get home because it’s the little things that count. It’s the little things that are important.<br><br>The man who will win me over will think of me as my dad always thinks about my mom.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="11 Qualities I Want In A Boyfriend That I Learned From The First Love of My Life, My Dad" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/11-things-learned-from-my-dad/696096/" target="_blank"><em>11 Qualities I Want In A Boyfriend That I Learned From The First Love of My Life, My Dad</em></a> by <a contents="Gigi Engle" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/giengle/" target="_blank">Gigi Engle</a>. Click on Ms. Engle's name to follow her on the social networks.<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/36559962020-05-19T07:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:51:31-04:007 Steps To Being A Person Others Want To Be Around<p><em>7 Steps To Being A Person Others Want To Be Around </em>by Michael Hyatt. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/e893f032d6209608a2af8b9b3923c4726e2e417e/medium/7-steps-to-being-a-person-others-want-to-be-around.jpg?1502392946" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Several months ago, my wife, Gail, and I attended an industry mixer at a conference we were attending. Almost immediately, I was cornered by an author who proceeded to complain about all the incompetent people in his life.<br><br>He grumbled about his literary agent, his booking agent, and his publisher. No one, it seems, measured up to his standards. I tried to change the subject, but he persisted.<br><br>The conversation made me feel very uncomfortable. I finally had enough and excused myself. I felt a little rude, but I didn’t want to steep in his brew of negativity.<br><br>As I thought about this, I realized how destructive complaining about others is. My author friend didn’t make me think less of the people he grumbled about; it made me think less of him.<br><br><strong>Complaining about others has the potential to hurt you in four specific ways.</strong><br><br><br><strong>1. It trains your brain.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I remember when I bought my first Lexus. I never really noticed Lexus cars before. But suddenly, they seemed to be everywhere. This demonstrates the principle that you see more of what you notice. If you focus on people’s faults, you will find even more of them.<br><br><br><strong>2. It makes you miserable. </strong><br><br>My author friend was not happy. His humor was biting and sarcastic. He seemed entitled and discontent. His attitude was highly toxic—which was why I felt the need to get away from him. He was contagious!<br><br><br><strong>3. People pull away. </strong><br><br>One of the consequences of complaining is that healthy people don’t want to hang around you. They avoid you. As a result, you miss scores of great opportunities, both social and business ones.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. People don’t trust you. </strong><br><br>This is perhaps the saddest consequence of all. As my friend was complaining about others, I began to wonder, What does he say about me when I am not around? I then instinctively thought, I don’t trust him.<br><br>After I left the presence of my negative friend, I bumped into an agent friend, who is one of the most positive, encouraging people I know. He told me about all the great things happening in his life and business. <br><br>Whenever he mentioned someone’s name, he raved about them. He exuded gratitude. I didn’t want to leave his presence. It was like balm to my soul.<br><br>My second friend was such a contrast to the first, it made me realize these are two entirely different mindsets and approaches to life. The good news is that if you are a negative person, you don’t have to stay that way.<br><br><br><strong>Here are 7 steps to reversing this pattern and becoming a happy person others trust and want to be around.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. Become self-aware.</strong><br><br>Are you a negative person? Do you tend to see the glass half empty or half full? If you are in doubt, ask your spouse or a close friend for candid feedback. Negativity is costing you more than you know. Frankly, it’s like having bad breath or b.o.<br><br><br><strong>2. Assess your needs.</strong><br><br>What need are you attempting to meet by complaining? Perhaps the need for connection? Maybe a need for significance? Are there better, more healthy ways to meet these needs?<br><br><br><strong>3. Decide to change.</strong><br><br>Complaining is a habit. And like all bad habits, change begins when you own your behavior and make a decision to change. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out process. It will take conscious effort at first, but it will become automatic over time. You can start today.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. Shift your identity.</strong><br><br>The most powerful change happens when we modify our identity. When I declared myself an athlete, daily exercise suddenly became easier. What if you said to yourself, I am a positive, encouraging person? How would your behavior change?<br><br><br><strong>5. Greet others with a smile.</strong><br><br>According to health expert Ron Gutman, “smiling can help reduce the level of stress-enhancing hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, and dopamine, and increase the level of mood-enhancing hormones like endorphins.”<br><br>While smiling has this impact on you, it also has a similar impact on others. This is one reason they unconsciously want to be around you.<br><br><br><strong>6. Catch them doing something right.</strong><br><br>The corollary to the principle “you see more of what you notice” is "you get more of what you notice. If you catch people doing what is right and complement them for it, guess what happens? They start doing more of it. This is not manipulation; it is influence. It too is contagious.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>7. Speak well of others. </strong><br><br>I’m not saying you shouldn’t deal with bad behavior by confronting it. I’m saying you should deal directly with the people involved rather than complaining about it to those who are neither part of the problem nor part of the solution.<br><br>Your mama’s advice was right: “If you don’t have something positive to say, don’t say anything at all.”<br><br>While complaining about others may hurt them, ultimately it hurts you the worst. By becoming more aware and more intentional, you can become a person others seek out and want to be around.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="7 Steps To Being A Happy Person Others Want To Be Around" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://michaelhyatt.com/becoming-a-happy-person.html" target="_blank"><em>7 Steps To Being A Happy Person Others Want To Be Around</em></a> by <a contents="Michael Hyatt" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://michaelhyatt.com/welcome/" target="_blank">Michael Hyatt</a>. Click on Mr. Hyatt's name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em>,</a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/37044742020-05-18T07:00:00-04:002022-04-05T18:55:08-04:00The Beauty And Pain Of Falling In Love With The Right Person At The Wrong Time<p><em>The Beauty And Pain Of Falling In Love With The Right Person At The Wrong Time </em>by Paul Hudson. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/f45b4f04594959223e503f1a3e248f2620c9593b/medium/the-beauty-and-pain-of-falling-in-love-with-the-right-person-at-the-wrong-time.jpg?1502828399" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>When I was about 18, I met a girl who changed my life. She opened my eyes to a part of the world – a part of life – that I didn’t know existed.<br><br>This was the first time that I ever fell in love, and it was the deepest I have ever fallen in love. The frequency and intensity with which I felt, anything, was something I didn’t believe possible – I honestly didn’t know that a person could feel so incredibly happy and horribly miserable.<br><br>Finding the right person, a person you want to spend your life with, is the greatest accomplishment one can achieve. Yet, the unfortunate truth is that the right person doesn’t always come at the right time. And that makes all the difference.<br><br>You’re not guaranteed to find the right person at the wrong time, but it can happen. I’m living proof. I understand you may be thinking that if you met the right person, the person you loved with all your soul, things would just work out.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We see it in all the movies. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. And they live happily ever after – roll credits. How wonderful it would be if the world were so simple.<br><br>In reality, human beings are emotionally complicated and because we’re so emotionally complicated, we manage to make situations complicated. Even if you do find the right person, if you aren’t the right person you yourself need to be, the relationship will fail.<br><br>Relationships don’t only fail because the person you’re with turns out to be the wrong person; they also fail when you yourself aren’t yet the person you need to be. If you aren’t yet capable of being in a loving relationship then the two of you are doomed.<br><br>You will most likely implode emotionally and take it out on the person you love. This goes for the person you love as well – if this person isn’t at the point in life where he or she can be a loving and devoted partner, the relationship won’t work either.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There are so many ways a relationship can fail, it’s amazing that we aren’t all alone.<br><br>Many people will make excuses for why they aren’t in a place in their lives that’s conducive to a healthy relationship. Many will argue that they need to focus on their careers. Some will argue that they still want to explore life and spend more time flying solo before settling down.<br><br>Others will even convince themselves that the love they’ve felt for so long wasn’t true love. They will twist their emotions and memories to make themselves believe that it was more of an illusion than anything else, a dream they need to wake up from. Yet, these are all excuses that veil the truth.<br><br>The honest truth is that whether you can admit it to yourself or not, you are not capable of loving – not the way the other person needs to be loved. We should only allow ourselves to settle for one sort of love.<br><br>The sort of love that is all-consuming, intoxicating, passionate and, at the same time calm, collected, caring and supportive.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>We should only settle for a love that embodies the definition in its purest form: to love fully, deeply and selflessly – or rather, as selflessly as humanly possible. I’m not talking about the love of fairytales. I’m talking about the most ideal love that people can possibly be a part of.<br><br>Now, the problem when you do find the right person is that you may not yet be willing to give up a part of yourself – because that is what you’re going to have to do.<br><br>You are surrendering a part of yourself to your lover. You are giving up on certain things, making concessions and compromises in order to give yourself to the other person. You are devoting a chunk of your life, your thoughts, your dreams and your future to them.<br><br>The deepest, purest love is the love shared when both individuals give a piece of themselves to the other, but not entirely without expectation. We may not command anything in return, but because we are only human, we expect our love to be reciprocated.<br><br>More so, because we do love our partners, we want them to have the love that they deserve. So what do you do when you love a person knowing you cannot be the person he or she needs you to be?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>What do you do when you find the right person, but cannot love that person the way he or she deserves to be loved? If we aren’t willing to make the tradeoffs then there is really only one thing you can do… you have to let that person go.<br><br>Letting a person you love go is the most difficult decision you can make in your life. The worst part is that the longer you are apart, the more you come to realize how difficult it is – the more you realize how much you actually love that person.<br><br>I haven’t seen or spoken to that girl I met nearly a decade ago in years. And I still know that a part of me does, and always will, love her. Thinking about a person every day of your life that you know you will never be with is a hell of its own. But it’s okay.<br><br>It’s okay because it is a part of life. It’s a learning experience like no other. Some of you will fall in love with the right person to find that it is the right time. But some of you will go through what I go through.<br><br>I just hope that you have the strength to keep going, not to give up on yourself. You may have had to give up on your relationship with that person, but you can find love again.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>You have to believe that you can because it is possible. It is possible to find another right person and to find him or her at the right point in your life. It’s happened to many and will happen to many more. I have to believe that it will happen for me just as you have to believe it will happen for you.<br><br>There is no worse way to live life than to live it while giving up on the prospect of love. Love is the only purpose worth living for.</p>
<p>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br><em>This article first appeared as <a contents="The Beauty And Pain Of Falling In Love With The Right Person At The Wrong Time" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/youre-going-date-right-person-wrong-time-okay/720059/" target="_blank">The Beauty And Pain Of Falling In Love With The Right Person At The Wrong Time</a></em> by <a contents="Paul Hudson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/paul-hudson/" target="_blank">Paul Hudson</a>. Click on their names to follow them on the social networks!<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/36439582020-05-16T08:40:00-04:002022-04-05T18:55:05-04:008 Reasons Why A Real Man Would Never Cheat On Someone He Truly Loves<p><em>8 Reasons Why A Real Man Would Never Cheat On Someone He Truly Loves</em> by Paul Hudson. See below for details. <br><br>---<br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/6e009ad88d3fb673dcc5b60a36bbc9513d1fab27/medium/8-reasons-why-a-real-man-would-never-cheat-on-someone-he-truly-loves.jpg?1502318603" class="size_m justify_center border_" />So many boys, so few real men.<br><br>I’m rather pissed off at all you stupid boys, parading about like actual men. In fact, you recently cost me a potentially promising relationship. Because you’ve managed to cheat on so many women and break their trust, there seem to be very few women left who are willing to trust another man.<br><br>I have never before cheated on a woman in my life, nor will I ever do so. Unfortunately, very few women seem to believe me. I’m sure I’m not the only man who has come across a similar problem.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I’m certain that plenty of great guys have had to carry the baggage some other douchebag left behind. When you break a woman’s trust, you will never get it back. I really mean never. Sadly, you’re also ruining it for the next guy.<br><br>By cheating on a woman, you are screwing her over for the long run – she’ll likely be unable to trust another man for years to follow. Real men don’t cheat. Here’s why:<br><br><br><strong>1. Real men are emotionally stable.</strong><br><br>We usually hear about women having trouble controlling their emotions. Truth be told, men are much worse. While women have the intelligence to share their feelings and discuss their problems (most of the time), men like to keep it bottled up.<br><br>Until, of course, they can’t take it any longer and explode. When something goes wrong in a relationship, women may very well cry, they may complain, they may throw tantrums or give you the silent treatment, but men – weak men – pretend like they feel nothing.<br><br>Once their cup flows over, they look for whatever release they can. They drink. They smoke. They have sex. Unfortunately, since they aren’t on talking terms with their woman, they'll have sex with whatever they can find. Real men deal with their emotions appropriately.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. Real men have enough willpower to keep it in their pants.</strong><br><br>I’m sorry to have to tell you this gentlemen, but because you are men you are going to want to sleep with every beautiful woman who crosses your path. Literally, every single one.<br><br>If you’re a real man, however, you won’t risk screwing up what you have for a brief few minutes in the sack with a woman you more than likely won’t have chemistry with. If you really want sex that badly then why not sleep with the woman who loves you?<br><br>If the sex bores you, then do something to make it more exciting. It takes two to tango – if she won’t bring the whipped cream then it’s up to you to do so.<br><br><br><strong>3. Real men don’t date women they don’t love or don’t believe they can one day love.</strong><br><br>Obviously, we all date people we aren’t yet certain we will fall for — if love at first sight exists, it’s rarely the case. However, many will date someone they don’t especially care about simply for convenience.<br><br>Why go out to find tail when you can have it delivered? Real men understand that women aren’t objects and therefore don’t use them simply to satisfy their own needs. When they know they don’t love a woman then they cut things off instead of continuing to lead them on.<br><br><br><strong>4. Real men are respectful.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>They treat people with respect when respect is due… especially when it comes to the women they’re dating. Cheating is lying; it’s breaking trust and it proves that you care little about your partner as a lover, friend and as a human being.<br><br>To cheat is to act as if you’re better than she is and the fact is that you aren’t. Break her trust and you will never really get her back. I had to learn this the hard way.<br><br><br><strong>5. Real men don’t need to add notches to their belts simply to make themselves feel like men.</strong><br><br>Real men know that they’re real men. They can feel it with every step they take – and more often than not it shows. It shows in their demeanor and in their actions.<br><br>Too many “men” these days believe it’s laudable to sleep with as many women as possible – as if it were some sort of game, and women are collectables of sorts.<br><br>Women aren’t objects, and this game that you’re playing is called life. If you get caught cheating and the stakes are high enough then you can ruin your life.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>6. Real men would never hurt the woman they love.</strong><br><br>To be fair, real men would never hurt any woman, but especially not the woman they understand as being an extension of themselves. Real men love and care for themselves as well as those who are closest to them.<br><br>If you are lucky enough to have found a woman to love and are luckier still to have her love you back, then do everything in your power to keep her smiling. There is nothing worse in the world than losing a person you love. Mistakes are mistakes… but they aren’t always forgivable.<br><br><br><strong>7. Real men know what’s important in life – and it’s not another game of sex.</strong><br><br>Proper men are too busy living the life of their dreams to bother with excess. They are working on attaining all that it is that they want in life, but more importantly still, they understand what it is that they really want.<br><br>As men, we often want more than is good for us. Only when we get what we thought we wanted do we come to realize the error of our ways. I will tell you right now that there should only be one woman for you.<br><br>That one woman who will love you for your entire life is all that really matters. The rest you won’t even remember.<br><br><br><strong>8. Real men have the guts to break up with a woman.</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If you plan on cheating on her then you clearly don’t want to be with her. Grow a pair and break things off. You’re clearly going to do it sooner or later.<br><br>Rip that bandaid off and get it over with. Be a real man and not a quivering coward.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="8 Reasons Why A Real Man Would Never Cheat On Someone He Truly Loves" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/8-reasons-real-men-dont-cheat/708215/" target="_blank"><em>8 Reasons Why A Real Man Would Never Cheat On Someone He Truly Loves</em></a> at Elite Daily by <a contents="Paul Hudson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/paul-hudson/" target="_blank">Paul Hudson</a>. Click on Mr. Hudson's name to follow him on the social networks.<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em>,</a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/36206522020-05-14T07:15:00-04:002022-04-05T18:55:11-04:0010 Things Happy Couples Do Differently<p><em>10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently</em> by Angel Chernoff. See below for details.<br><br>---<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/ef20e023b4f70bc21b72f3b8c5d9fe5e9bfdca0f/medium/10-things-happy-couples-do-differently.jpg?1427223029" class="size_m justify_center border_" />All intimate relationships are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and attraction, but what do happy couples do differently to keep their love thriving in the long run?<br><br>It’s important to understand that love is not just about finding the right person, it’s about working with them to create the right relationship. We've worked with couples at all ends of the spectrum over the years, and we’ve found that the happiest couples, or the unhappy couples who successfully turn things around, are able to create loving, lasting relationships by doing the following:<br><br><br><strong>1. They make plenty of time for each other.</strong><br><br>Neglect based on lack of attention damages relationships far more often than malicious abuse. There’s nothing more vital to the bond you share with someone than simply being there for them.<br><br>Too often we underestimate the power of a thoughtful question and a listening ear that’s fully present and focused. Although it’s a simple act, it may very well be the most powerful act of caring – one which has the potential to turn a relationship around.<br><br>When we pay attention to each other we breathe new life into each other. With frequent attention and affection our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow stronger. <br><br>This is the side effect of a good relationship – we help heal each other’s wounds and support each other’s strengths.<br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js">
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<br>Bottom line: Stay in close touch with what’s going on in your partner’s life – communicate openly on a regular basis. Not because it’s convenient, but because they are worth the extra effort.<br><br><br><strong>2. They don’t beat around the bush</strong><br><br>No matter how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. When you truly love someone, be loving in words and deeds every single day. Don’t beat around the bush. Be straightforward.<br><br>If you appreciate someone today, tell them. If you adore someone today, show them. Hearts are often confused and broken by thoughtful words left unspoken and loving deeds left undone. There might not be a tomorrow. Today is the day to express your love and admiration. <br><br><br><strong>3. They meet in the middle and work together</strong><br><br>The most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting your partner half way. You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. That’s what healthy relationships are all about – teamwork. It really is a full circle. <br><br>The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.<br><br>Anyone who helps you to make your half-hearted attempts more whole-hearted through passion, love and teamwork, is a precious friend and teacher, and thus makes a great partner. Take the lead and BE this partner. Make an effort to work closely with your significant other, and conquer the world together.<br>
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<br><strong>4. Their actions consistently backup their claims of love.</strong><br><br>Actions often speak much louder than words. When you love someone you have to act accordingly. They will be able to tell how you feel about them simply by the way you treat them over the long-term.<br><br>You can say sorry a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere.<br><br>And remember, it’s not so much about how much you do for your loved ones as it is about the love you put into what you do for them. Learn what matters most to them and make a habit of it.<br><br><br><strong>5. They respect each other’s humanness.</strong><br><br>All humans are imperfect. At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know.<br><br>And guess what? You’re human and so is your partner. In fact, we all are. We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard. We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes.<br><br>But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments. Most of the time we’re remarkable. So stand beside the people you love through their trying times of imperfection, and offer yourself the same courtesy; if you aren’t willing to, you don’t deserve to be around for the perfect moments either. <br>
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<br><strong>6. They focus on what they like about each other.</strong><br><br>What you focus on grows stronger in your relationships. When you focus on a person’s wonderful qualities, you have a wonderful relationship with them. When you focus on a person’s not so wonderful qualities, you have a not so wonderful relationship with them. <br><br>When you focus on benefits of a situation, you get to take advantage of them. When you focus on the drawbacks, you gain nothing but a frown.<br><br>The bottom line is that you see only what you want to see, and what you see determines the health of your relationships. Your attitude is a little thing that makes a massive difference. Don’t be the stubborn one who makes it a point to not see the good in your partner.<br><br><br><strong>7. There is far more between them than physical attraction.</strong><br><br>Infatuating yourself with someone simply for what they look like on the outside is like choosing your favorite food based on color instead of taste. It makes no sense. It’s innate, invisible, unquantifiable characteristics that create lasting attraction. There must be common ground in your interests and outlooks on life.<br><br>Just as some people enjoy the smell of mint, while others prefer the scent of cinnamon, there is an undeniable, magnetic draw that attracts you to the qualities of certain people, places, and things. <br><br>Sometimes it’s even the scars your soul shares with them that reels you in and creates the very hinges that hold you together in the long run.<br><br><br><strong>8. They resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.</strong><br><br>If you’re disappointed with yourself or frustrated with your partner, the answer is not to take it out on the world around you. Retribution, whether it’s focused on yourself or others, brings zero value into your life. <br><br>The way beyond the pain from the past is not with vengeance, mockery, bullying or retaliation, but with present love.<br><br>Forgive the past, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and love the present moment for what it’s worth. There are plenty of beautiful things to love right now; you just have to want to see them. <br>
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<br>Loving is never easy, especially when times are tough, yet it is easily the most powerful and positively enduring action possible.<br><br><br><strong>9. They open up to each other, especially in trying times.</strong><br><br>Let your partner in when you’re in a dark place. Open up to them completely. Don’t expect them to solve your problems; just allow them to face your problems with you. Give them permission to stand beside you. <br><br>They won’t necessarily be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter will at least show you which way the door is.<br><br>Above all, the important thing to remember is that you are not alone. No matter how bizarre or embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, your partner is in your life and has dealt with similar emotions and wants to help you. <br><br>When you hear yourself say, “I am alone,” it’s just your insecurities trying to sell you a lie.<br><br><br><strong>10. They are committed to growing together.</strong><br><br>It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect with someone special, especially a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. <br><br>In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.<br>
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<br>When you honestly think about what you and your partner add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you two have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad. <br><br>No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.<br><br><strong>Afterthoughts</strong><br><br>The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end. And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/09/12/10-things-happy-couples-do-differently/" target="_blank"><em>10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently</em></a> by <a contents="Angel Chernoff" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.marcandangel.com/" target="_blank">Angel Chernoff</a>. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks.<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">YouTube,</a></em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/35872812020-05-13T08:35:00-04:002022-04-05T18:55:14-04:0015 Honest Questions The Person You Marry Should Be Able To Answer<p><em>15 Honest Questions the Person You Marry Should Be Able To Answer</em> by Paul Hudson. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><br>It’s not marriage’s fault - some people are bad at marriage. Here’s how you can become good at it right from the very start.<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/8c3499b787a339ec606bc6dbc22e55c856ea15ac/medium/15-honest-questions-the-person-you-marry-should-be-able-to-answer.jpg?1502049862" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Marriage really is a beautiful thing. I used to think it was a bit pointless, just a piece of paper that allows you an extra tax cut. However, the more I thought about it, the more I learned to appreciate what marriage could be.<br><br>Marriage gets a bad rap because most people are really bad at it. It’s not marriage’s fault. It’s the couples’ fault for being neither mature enough nor smart enough to manage.<br><br>I used to believe people couldn’t possibly promise to love someone else in 10, 20 years when neither their partners nor they will be the same people they are now. But that’s the point. We know that the future is filled with uncertainty.<br><br>Regardless, we still want that promise because it gives us courage to give ourselves to another without reservations.<br><br>You may not be able to keep that promise, but you can keep the promise to do your best to be an amazing life partner. That’s all anyone can really ask for. If you’re thinking about tying the knot then be sure that your future life partner to-be can honestly answer these questions to your liking:<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. Why do you love me?</strong><br><br>People seem to feel this is a question that doesn’t especially need answering. Most will say we love others simply because we love them — a horrible answer. All people need to know exactly why it is that they love the people they love.<br><br>Loving someone is a very selfish act, and it’s okay. You love the person you love for what that person does for you and how he or she makes you feel.<br><br>We may all have slightly different answers as to why we love someone, but if we aren’t able to exactly define the parameters of our love, then we’re likely to struggle later on once the initial intensity dies down. If your partner can’t answer why he or she loves you now, then imagine the inevitable uncertainty down the road.<br><br><br><strong>2. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?</strong><br><br>“Because I love you” is not a good answer. Life is a journey — one that is best not traveled entirely alone. However, not everyone has the same destination in mind. Wanting to take different pit stops along the route is one thing. Wanting different things out of life is another entirely.<br><br>Your partner should be able to tell you what life experiences he or she hopes to share with you. It’s these little goals you set for yourselves that make your life special.<br><br><br><strong>3. Will you do your best to keep the romance alive?</strong><br><br>Keeping the romance alive is not an easy task. Yes, it’s all mental, but keeping interest for such a long time is difficult. It takes a lot of work and creativity. It takes the other person regularly trying to please and impress you, which in itself becomes increasingly difficult with each new year.<br><br>Romantic love cannot survive on its own; both of you are going to have to maintain it constantly. Is your partner willing to keep the romance as one of his or her main priorities?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. Will you grow with me, and not away from me?</strong><br><br>We may not know exactly where our lives will take us and what we will learn — who we will become — along the way, but we can make a conscious effort to grow closer together and not apart.<br><br>Most people grow apart over the years because they feel like they’ve accomplished everything in their relationships that needs accomplishing.<br><br>This is one main reason marriages end up being so horrible — people think that there is no greater peak to climb than the one their relationship is already resting on. Marriage shouldn’t be the end, it should be the beginning.<br><br><br><strong>5. Will you stick through the rough times?</strong><br><br>The good times are a piece of cake. The difficult times, however, will destroy your relationship if you allow them to. There comes a point in every relationship when you have to make a decision. It’s a decision that, if made, is only made once. You will reach a point where you will either decide you are going to be there for this person for the rest of his or her life, or not.<br><br>If you decide you’re going to stick with this person then you can’t allow any tragedy or outside force to shake that decision. This is one of the most important decisions we make in our lives — or, as it often turns out, fail to make decisively. Has your lover made the decision? Have you?<br><br><br><strong>6. Are you willing to lose some battles in order to keep the peace?</strong><br><br>The key to a successful marriage is taming your ego. No matter how competitive we are, sometimes you just need to pick your battles. Sometimes the arguments and the stress just aren’t worth it.<br><br>What you need to understand is that 99 percent of arguments aren’t arguments over fact, but rather over opinion. An opinion is neither right nor wrong. Sometimes you just have to let things be.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>7. Can you promise to put us ahead of everything else?</strong><br><br>Life has a lot to offer. And if you’re anything like me, you have a very large appetite. We want everything life has to offer, and then some. The problem is we don’t have enough time to have it all; our lives are too short. We can only pick a few things we consider important and do our best to flourish in those areas.<br><br>The beauty of marriage is that it can be used as a base to build the rest of your life on. Your partner should be just that: your partner. Your relationship is the most important thing in your life because it’s what makes the rest of your life possible.<br><br><br><strong>8. Will you be a great parent?</strong><br><br>Again, how could anyone know he or she will be a great parent? Easy. You just decide you’re going to be. That’s it. No tricks. No gimmicks. Just a decision and then action.<br><br>Some things don’t need too much thinking involved. You’re going to be great because you decided you will be. Will your lover do the same and be a great role model for your children?<br><br><br><strong>9. Will you be sure to remind me how much you love me regularly?</strong><br><br>People not only want, but need to hear it. We need to be reminded you love us because we know that love doesn’t always last forever. We want to hear the words and then have that reassurement reinforced with actions showing how much you love us.<br><br>It really is enough just to love us, but understand you need to love us the way we need to be loved — just like we need to love you the way you need to be loved in order for you to be happy.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>10. Can you promise to do all you can to keep that spark alive?</strong><br><br>Sparks don’t spark on their own. Think about how a lighter works. You have a spark that lights the fuel, which creates a flame. But how does that spark, spark? You have to create a force that will result in the energy creating a spark.<br><br>Just the same, you can’t expect sparks to keep flying if you’re not trying. If you want to have a happy and healthy marriage, then you need to find someone willing to devote the necessary energy.<br><br><br><strong>11. Will you support me if I can’t support myself?</strong><br><br>Not just financially, but mentally. Maybe even physically if necessary. No one knows what life holds. The unexpected happens, often leaving us weak, hurt or even permanently damaged. Will your partner carry you when you can’t walk?<br><br>Will your partner support you when you’re weak at the knees? Will your partner carry the family you’ve created until you regain your strength? Is your partner capable of mustering the strength to fight battles for the both of you?<br><br><br><strong>12. Will you promise to continue to pursue your personal goals and dreams?</strong><br><br>Marriage is not entirely the end of the person you were and the start of a new you. Sure, being in a serious relationship does require a person to change in many ways.<br><br>Yet, there’s a part of us we can never, under any circumstance, let go of. The dreams, wants and hopes we have — our personal goals — must stay alive.<br><br>When we lose them, we lose ourselves and inevitably lose the person we love. Marriage isn’t just an “us.” It’s also a you and him/her. You have to juggle being the person you have always been with being a part of a larger whole. It’s not easy. But it is necessary.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>13. Will you not allow yourself to let go?</strong><br><br>Will your partner take care of him or herself by eating healthy and exercising? Will your partner get regular checkups and take vitamins? This may sound silly, but I’ve seen what letting yourself go can do to a marriage.<br><br>Moreover, I’ve seen how not maintaining your health can make the lives of those closest to you incredibly difficult.<br><br>Yes, your family should take care of you when you need to be taken care of — but it’s your responsibility first and foremost to take care of yourself. No people should become a burden to those they love.<br><br><br><strong>14. If I’m the first to go, will you be there with me until the end?</strong><br><br>Will your partner hold your hand when you’re too weak to hold it back? Will your partner kiss your forehead and tell you he or she loves you, that you made life worth living? That, because of you, life made sense? Will your partner be there for your last breath, when you find yourself pressed betwixt fear and content?<br><br>No one should leave this world alone. It’s said that we leave it the way we come into it, but even when we come into it, there’s someone there to hold us. I understand most people don’t like to think about death, but seeing as it’s an inevitability, it’s better to plan ahead.<br><br><br><strong>15. Can you promise me that if my time is cut short, you’ll continue to live on for the both of us?</strong><br><br>You love this person. You want him or her to be happy regardless of whether he or she is with you or without you. If death collects you ahead of schedule, you’ll want to know during those last few seconds that the person you love will continue to live life to the fullest.<br><br>That your partner will continue to do great things, continue to be happy, and — if you have children — continue to love your children and guide them through life.<br><br>The death of a loved one can ruin you. It can break you in ways that make full-recovery impossible. Can your partner promise you to find the strength and courage to press forward?<br><br>I don’t know about you, but the last thing I’d want for the woman I love is for my departure to be her downfall. If my being in her life or leaving her life will in anyway destroy hers, then I clearly made a mistake by allowing myself into her life.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This great article first appeared as <a contents="15 Honest Questions the Person You Marry Should Be Able To Answer" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/kt-15-honest-questions-the-person-you-marry-should-be-able-to-answer/" target="_blank"><em>15 Honest Questions the Person You Marry Should Be Able To Answer</em></a> by <a contents="Paul Hudson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/paul-hudson/" target="_blank">Paul Hudson</a> at Elite Daily. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">YouTube,</a></em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, </em><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/36070042020-05-12T07:20:00-04:002022-04-05T18:55:17-04:0010 Cute Things Women Do That Men Find Irresistible <p><em>9 Subtle, Low-Key Cute Things Girls Do That Men Can’t Get Enough Of</em>. A great article by Dan Scotti. See details below.<br> <br>---<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/ee60aae9f2c1e0cf5a707959437ae9d09c3fb7da/medium/10-cute-things-girls-do-that-men-find-irresistible.jpg?1426605223" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Okay, so this article is more for those in the dating stage, but I'd like to add one to this list:<br><br><strong>10. "You can put me in my place" - James Russell Lingerfelt</strong><br><br>I love a woman who can challenge me, and rightly correct me when I'm wrong. Because not only does this tell me that she has the intellectual capacity, but that she also <em>knows</em> me. To me, that's hot. She cares about me enough to call me out, too.<br><br>I pretty much agree with Dan's list below, but I just had to throw my own #10 in there. But let me say, not all guys like watching sports. I will play a sport before watching it, any day. So think of this principle: You're joining him in his favored recreation. "Recreational companionship" is known to be a major need for a man in a romantic relationship.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>9. When you try and watch sports with us</strong><br><br>I love it when you’re laid up next to me, watching a Knicks game. Even though I know you don’t have the slightest clue of what’s going on, or what a “Carmelo” is – it’s the fact that you’re trying to share my interests that I’m attracted to.<br><br>Don’t try too hard, please. It’s equally as sexy when you’re watching the Yankees, hoping for a touchdown. Just know that when the game is over, and the spotlight returns back, fully, on you – no matter the outcome, you the real MVP.<br><br><br><strong>8. When you rap along to gangsta/misogynistic hip-hop lyrics in the car</strong><br><br>When the Carter III shuffles onto my iPod, while we’re out driving, and you smirk at me before rapping along – it’s the sexiest.<br><br>Especially when 75% of the verse you just rapped consisted of straight up gangsta words. In fact, you really didn’t know most of the lyrics outside of those words; regardless, it was slightly embarrassing, and you still looked bad doing it.<br><br>Don’t worry, the good kind of bad.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>7. When you don’t wear makeup</strong><br><br>Once you’re truly attracted to a girl, makeup isn’t ever needed. By that point in a relationship, looks have taken a backseat to every other aspect of a person’s makeup, and when you recognize this – and say “screw it” – it’s irresistible.<br><br>I know you wore all that makeup when we met to impress me, but by now you already know you got it. Things are always more attractive when they’re natural, anyway.<br><br>It may be subtle, and I know we just hit the deli quick for a coffee, but when you sidestep that mascara, it shows me that I’ve made you comfortable. Around me, and with yourself.<br><br><br><strong>6. When you wear my clothes</strong><br><br>Watching you standing in my house draped in my retro Larry Johnson jersey or one of my over-worn vintage rock tees, makes me never want to leave my home. It’s the sexiest seeing you wear my clothes.<br><br>Yeah, partly because I have immaculate taste in clothing. But mostly because they’re always a few sizes too big on you, and the way it hangs loose off your shoulders is just too inviting. It's Wow.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>5. When you offer to cook something</strong><br><br>When you’re down to cook for the boy, you’ve already found the key to my heart. It’s fine if you’re not a 5 star chef, I never expect that. By simply trying to cook you show me that you’re willing to help me out, and offer a break from the typical night out on the town.<br><br>Chances are, if you’ve survived a few dates out with me, I probably like you. If I like you, I’m probably not going to skip town based on your kitchen skills, or lack thereof.<br><br>If your attempt to cook for me turns out to be a total fail, it’s even more adorable. Hey, you tried. Worst case, the only thing you’ll have to make for dinner is the reservation.<br><br><br><strong>4. When you wear a baseball cap, forwards</strong><br><br>I find it oh-so-tempting whenever I see a girl wearing a baseball hat, forwards. No, not like those times when your girl friends steal your snapback off your head, and throw it on haphazardly – before making a duck face and asking their friend to snap a picture.<br><br>I’m talking about when a girl buys her own hats, and wears them properly.<br><br>Most girls won’t have the swagger to entertain the notion of a baseball cap, but you pull it off, slightly – at least I think. I’m pretty sure that the fact that you look a little awkward is why it’s subtly sexy.<br><br>Sure, you look look tomboyish, but it’s in a Maria Sharapova sort of way. That’s never a bad thing, believe me.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. When you know exactly which buttons to push, and when to push them</strong><br><br>I notice when you try and push my buttons, and I usually laugh, – which always makes it worse – but I’m not trying to mess with you. That, I promise.<br><br>But when you know exactly which buttons to push, and go ahead and push them, it shows you truly know me. I’m down with that, and truthfully, the fact that you’re trying to get me hot and bothered… works.<br><br>Probably not in the way you’d like, though.<br><br><br><strong>2. Pretty much anything you do, fresh out of the shower</strong><br><br>When you step out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, with your hair dripping – you know you’ve got me wrapped around your finger. Extra credit if you try and make small talk, half naked, still wet, while looking for something to wear.<br><br>Don’t ask me to suggest anything because I’m only going to delay the process.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>1. When you say my name</strong><br><br>Regardless of how many times my name might get called on a given day, hearing you say it will never get old. It’s just different.<br><br>My boys call me by my last name. My mom will use my first one, but usually after I did something wrong. When you say it, it just sounds right.<br><br>I don’t know. I’m no narcissist, but I could hear you say my name on loop. You’ve got your nicknames for me, and I smile when you use them, but nothing can touch the way you say my given, first, name.<br><br>Whether you’re mad, or need something, or just really, I don’t know, passionate about “something” – hearing you say my name is always irresistible.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="9 Subtle, Low-Key Cute Things Girls Do That Men Can’t Get Enough Of" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/9-low-key-things-girls-guys-cant-resist/698081/" target="_blank"><em>9 Subtle, Low-Key Cute Things Girls Do That Men Can’t Get Enough Of</em></a> by <a contents="Dan Scotti" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/dscotti/" target="_blank">Dan Scotti</a>. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks.<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">YouTube,</a></em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333px; font-size: 15.5556px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/35166242020-05-11T07:45:00-04:002022-04-05T18:55:43-04:009 Signs You Should Make Him Your Husband<p><em>9 Signs You've Found The Man You Should Make Your Husband </em>by Laura Argintar. See below for details.<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/eaf449d12a068fb35661b3b5d0ea56b945e588e2/medium/9-signs-you-should-make-him-your-husband.jpg?1447956467" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><strong>A message from James Russell Lingerfelt:</strong> There are very, very few men I know who fit all of these descriptions. But whether we men agree with the author or not, I think it's important that we underscore what women need and want in marital relationships, even if we might think this list is idealistic.<br><br>A great article to consider. <br><br>- - -<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>There’s one thing we’re all chasing after. One force that trumps money, power or reason, and that very closely dictates the kind of people we become. And it’s love.<br><br>Falling in love is like coming home. Your worries are quieted and you feel protected in your partner’s arms. The man you give your heart to just feels right.<br><br>When you’re deep in love, it’s hard not to picture the rest of your life with that other person. But how do we know for certain that it’s real forever and not just a current fantasy?<br><br>Perhaps we’re a little old-fashioned, but we like to believe that marriage — for better or for worse — is sacred for life. Here are the nine signs you’ve found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with:<br><br><br><strong>1. You don’t need to be “on” in front of him</strong><br><br>Good days and bad days, he understands who you are and doesn’t expect you to be anyone but yourself. In his eyes, you’re special by just being you. There’s no pretending.<br><br>During those lazy times when all you want to do is lounge in stained sweatpants and not formulate sentences, he gets it because he’s right there with you. You can totally be yourself — whatever mood you’re in — and he always thinks you shine.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. Your happiness is his happiness, and vice versa</strong><br><br>You know he’s the one because he’s good to you in ways that you’ve never thought possible. He wants what’s best for you, even if it comes at a cost to him.<br><br>The man you marry gives selflessly, as your interests are now his interests. In fact, he thinks he’s being selfish when he indulges in you because it brings him pleasure, too.<br><br>To that end, he can balance ambitions at work with ambitions at home. Some stages or careers are more difficult than others, but he finds ways to let you know he hasn’t forgotten about you.<br><br><br><strong>3. Even at the end of a really bad day, all you want is to be with him</strong><br><br>No matter what kind of crummy mood you’re in, you’d rather be with him than be alone, for you’re better with him than without him.<br><br>He patiently listens while you speak your mind and he won’t invalidate your concerns with his honest feedback. His confidence and passion positively influence your own, which makes your relationship all the more exciting. You want to be near him, always.<br><br><br><strong>4. The attraction is palpable</strong><br><br>Physically, emotionally and mentally, you two are compatible on all those levels. The chemistry between you both is powerful enough to block everything else out. Sometimes it feels like it’s just him that really matters.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Even doing the littlest things together, such as running to the grocery store, feel more special because he’s around. The attraction is pervasive from the bedroom to the most platonic of places, like the doctor’s office. You can’t keep your hands off each other and you certainly aren’t holding back.<br><br><br><strong>5. You want to share every experience with him</strong><br><br>When you envision your future, he has a major role in it (and vice versa). The idea of spending the rest of your life with him doesn’t scare you. Being by his side is where you feel most comfortable.<br><br>When something funny happens or you receive good news, you immediately want to share it with him first. When a cheesy love song comes through your headphones, you instinctively think of him.<br><br>From what he ate for lunch to what he’s currently watching on television, you’re interested in all that he does. And, while you sometimes hate to admit this, you’re more inclined to do something if he’s part of it. That’s just what companionship is to you.<br><br><br><strong>6. You have the same idea of romance</strong><br><br>Sometimes you feel like you’re in a “Twilight” movie with all this inexplicable magic and love buzzing around. Whatever your definition of romance is — intimate dinners, long road trips, cuddling in bed — he shares in it and will go the extra step to make that happen.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>He won’t shy away from pouring his heart out or opening up to you because he trusts you and wants to connect with you on a deeper level. He’ll always be your man, but he’s not afraid to show you a softer side either.<br><br><br><strong>7. You love more than you fight</strong><br><br>It never feels good to fight because you care too much about him to hurt him. The compromise always seems like the best option because you both can be happy. But at the end of the day, you really can’t stay mad at each other for long.<br><br><br><strong>8. He not only listens to you, but he also hears what you’re saying</strong><br><br>He can read between the lines and anticipate your needs without you having to communicate them all the time. He’s thoughtful and well-intentioned like that.<br><br>He knows what you are trying to say without having to always explain yourself. You help each other grow and become the people you want to be.<br><br><br><strong>9. He accepts you as you are</strong><br><br>You’re messier, louder and maybe less funny, but he loves you for it. He makes you feel good about all those things you might dislike about yourself.<br><br>And he brags about you to his friends because he’s so proud to call you his own. You would brag more, except everyone already knows how enamored you are.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>He knows everything about you — good and bad — and appreciates both because it’s all part of who you are.<br><br>You are his, he is yours and suddenly it all feels comfortingly simple.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="9 Signs You've Found The Man You Should Make Your Husband" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/9-signs-man-marry/709958/" target="_blank"><em>9 Signs You've Found The Man You Should Make Your Husband</em></a> by <a contents="Laura Argintar" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elitedaily.com/users/largintar/" target="_blank">Laura Argintar</a>. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/34911532020-05-10T11:40:00-04:002023-08-21T07:15:37-04:00I Didn't Treat My Spouse Well, And That Wasn't Fair<p><em>I Wasn't Treating My Husband Fairly, And It Wasn't Fair </em>by "Miss Fran Jansan" at Reddit.<br><br>- - -<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/dbc6a606ce69b0ba5e04f0df7a21e7c10cd1199d/medium/i-didnt-treat-my-spouse-well-and-that-wasnt-fair.jpg?1501794784" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>It's never easy for any of us to admit when we have a problem, or that we were wrong. The author had a "revelation" and decided to share her story in hopes it might help others.<br><br>I will say, before we begin, one principle I'm afraid she missed is, we treat people the way we feel inside. When we're being ugly to people, especially to the people we love, we need to look deep in ourselves and find the source of our unhappiness. Most of the time, my problem with people isn't them - it's me.<br><br>Nevertheless, here's her words:<br><br>My "Aha Moment" happened because of a package of hamburger meat. I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized he'd gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat - which means it's 70% lean and 30% fat.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I asked, "What's this?"<br><br>"Hamburger meat," he replied, slightly confused.<br><br>"You didn't get the right kind," I said.<br><br>"I didn't?" He replied with his brow furrowed. " Was there some other brand you wanted or something?"<br><br>"No. You're missing the point, " I said. "You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20."<br><br>He laughed. "Oh. That's all? I thought I'd really messed up or something."<br><br>That's how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even read the labels? Why can't I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was probably most offended by, why wasn't he more observant? How could he not have noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything I do?<br><br>As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, "I never noticed," "I really don't think it's that big of a deal," and "I'll get it right next time," I saw his face gradually take on an expression that I'd seen on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised. That's when it hit me. "Why am I doing this? I'm not his mom."<br><br>I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was right. It really wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didn't know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, "Yeah. I guess we'll make do with this. I'm going to start dinner."<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.<br><br>And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I'd just done. And what I'd been doing to him for years, probably. The "hamburger meat moment," as I've come to call it, certainly wasn't the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.<br><br>Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that I've taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like I'm accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. Why do I think it's reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean he's wrong? When did "my way" become "the only way?" When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didn't like as if he were making some kind of mistake?<br><br>And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, "Wow! I'm sure glad she was there to set me straight?" I highly doubt it. He probably feels like I'm harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it I'm pretty sure it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing things around the house, or avoid me altogether.<br><br>Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night before. When I asked why he didn't tell me, he said, "I just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didn't want you to have a conniption fit over it." #2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why he'd thrown them away. He said, "They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didn't want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don't know how to wash clothes after 35 years."<br><br>So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea — or just plain easier — to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What kind of environment have I created where he feels he's not allowed to make mistakes?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And let's look at these "offenses": A broken glass. A pair of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it up. As for the socks, even though he'd clearly stated it was an accident, I gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when he's sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, he'll sit there and take it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, "I guess it just doesn't matter that much to me."<br><br>I know now that what he means is, "this thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don't see why you're making it such a big deal." But from my end I came to interpret it over time that he didn't care about my happiness or trying to do things the way I think they should be done. I came to view it like "this guy just doesn't get it." I am clearly the brains of this operation.<br><br>I started thinking about what I'd observed with my friends' relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their husbands, and I realized that I wasn't alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife Always Knows Best. There's even a phrase to reinforce it: "Happy wife, happy life." That doesn't leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?<br><br>It's an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies, TV, advertisements - they're all filled with images of hapless husbands and clever wives. He can't cook. He can't take care of the kids. If you send him out to get three things, he'll come back with two — and they'll both be wrong. We see it again and again.<br><br>(On a side note, I have a friend in advertising, and I asked him why so much of that stereotype exists. He basically said, "'Smart wife/dumb husband' is really the only joke that's allowed anymore. Imagine doing a commercial with a clueless or helpless wife who needs a man to come in and save the day. Customers would be up in arms because of the company's antiquated views on women. Plus women make the majority of household purchases in this country, and you want to make them feel smart for choosing your product. So what you always get is the dumb husband character foil.)<br><br>What this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that says "we don't respect you. We don't think you're smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you'll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation." Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your eyes). If he's confident with himself and who he is, he'll come to resent you. If he's at all unsure about himself, he'll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to you, him or the marriage.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I'm sure there are untold numbers of women who don't ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, I'm sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don't think of it as a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didn't display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, "we can just order a pizza." The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain? "Accidents happen," was his only response.<br><br>I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and he'd made those mistakes.<br><br>So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn't he bite my head off when I don't do things the way he likes? I'd be a fool to think it doesn't happen. And yet I don't remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesn't seem he's as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?<br><br>Maybe I should take what's he always said at face value. The fact that these little things "really don't matter that much to him" is not a sign that he's lazy, or that he's incapable of learning, or that he just doesn't give a damn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind — and justifiably so. They're not the kinds of things to start fights over. They're not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesn't make him dumb or inept. He's just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And it's why he doesn't freak out when he's on the other side of the fence.<br><br>The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He's not my servant. He's not my employee. He's not my child. I didn't think he was stupid when I married him - otherwise I wouldn't have. He doesn't need to be reprimanded by me because I don't like the way he does some things.<br><br>When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him. He's intelligent. He's a good person. He's devoted. He's awesome with the kids. And he does always help around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, he's always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know I'm not alone in this.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean "do things differently than us"), then eventually they're going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they'll actually come to believe those labels are true.<br><br>In my case it's my husband of 12+ years I'm talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family.<br><br>He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computer's operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it won't stop running. I can't (or don't) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He's a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn't deserve to be harassed over little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.<br><br>Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. I'm not always 100% consistent, but I know I've gotten a lot better. And I've seen that one little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. It think we're both starting to see each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with each other in our day-to-day existence. I've even come to accept that sometimes his way of doing things may be better!<br><br>It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing he does that's not to your liking. Ladies, remember, it's just hamburger meat.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared on Reddit as <em>I Wasn't Treating My Husband Fairly, And It Wasn't Fair</em> by "Miss Fran Jansan." The article has since been deleted.<br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">YouTube,</a></em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/35354392020-05-07T06:30:00-04:002022-05-22T07:06:19-04:001 Rare Quality Men Want In A Woman<p><em>The One Rare Quality Men Want In A Woman</em> by James Michael Sama. See below for details. <br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/ad99321ad7776b725263fcb7b57464323b410961/medium/1-rare-quality-men-want-in-a-woman.jpg?1501707086" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>I was asked a very interesting question last night that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about, so I decided to write something on the topic. I certainly don’t want to sound cynical or judgmental, but I have brushed over the topic lightly in previous articles and I believe it is something a lot of people can relate to.<br><br>This was the question: Are you encouraged by the women you see out there? Or are you as discouraged as most of us girls?<br><br>This really made me start to think. I wanted to say that I meet countless amazing women all the time and guys are the ones who need to change and improve and they would suddenly come across their fairy tale princess because there are so many out there waiting to be swept off of their feet.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But, that’s just not true.<br><br>Don’t get me wrong, I have been privileged to meet some incredible human beings of both genders in my travels and I am fully aware that they are out there.<br><br>In fact I find that the vast majority of my readers fit into this category, as they are looking to have meaningful discussions, learn more, and help the rest of us learn more as well. I certainly do not want to generalize everyone here, but I think we can all agree there is a severe lack of one quality in today’s society:<br><br><strong>Depth</strong>.<br><br>By ‘depth,’ I mean people whose personality is as attractive as their appearance, or even more so. I began thinking about all of the time I spend at events where I have met fantastic people, and then I start thinking of those in our generation(s) who just seem to be caught up in the glitz and glam and wonder.<br><br>Could I really bring her around my family? Could we spend a weekend away somewhere relaxing with family or friends and just…hang out? Not have to do anything, enjoy each other’s company and just – be?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Most often, the answer is ‘eh, probably not.’<br><br>Depth, class, integrity, whatever you want to call it – Men are searching for women who they can picture as an equal part of their life. Someone who they can share their passions with and really connect with.<br><br>Someone who they can have meaningful conversations with. Someone they can sit across from at the dinner table night after night and never get bored.<br><br>This is what’s missing.<br><br>Not just in women, but in men as well – I realize that. But the majority of my articles are about the shortcomings of the modern man and I truthfully believe there is reflection that needs to be done by both genders if we are really going to solve the problems that are facing our generations in terms of dating and relationships.<br><br>And this is a big part of it.<br><br>This is a big part of it because without this depth we are going to continue along the path we are already on – the hookup culture that judges people on looks and “In a Relationship” just being a Facebook update that doesn’t carry any real meaning.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s simply an association with another person that can be broken off at any time. We are not taking the time to bond with each other. We are not taking the time to develop ourselves emotionally, which is the only way we will be able to truly relate to another person.<br><br>When someone asks me what I want in a partner, in a teammate, one of the first words that comes to mind is: Depth. That is what is going to allow a connection to form, when, and only when – two people have the depth necessary to cultivate it.<br><br>Physical attraction is important. A great smile is important. Someone who takes care of themselves physically is important. But it is not important enough to bring a couple through hard times. It is not important enough to build a foundation on. It is not important enough to actually make someone want to commit to you.<br><br>We, as a society, spend too much time emphasizing the importance of improving the body and not enough time discussing the importance of also improving the mind. Too much of one or the other, and our relationships will flounder.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Needless to say, I am speaking in generalities here. There are thousands upon thousands of great people in the world whom none of this applies to, but my point is – they are hard to find. And, I think we all know that.<br><br>Where are the women out there who are concerned with more than just their newest pair of Louboutins or the hottest new nightlife spot? Where are the women who want to build a real, meaningful relationship with a man who wants the same? Where are the women who are going to be up front and honest about their wants and needs?<br><br>Stand up, because we are looking for you.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <a contents="The One Rare Quality Men Want In A Woman" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/2014/09/18/the-one-rare-quality-men-want-in-a-woman/" target="_blank"><em>The One Rare Quality Men Want In A Woman</em></a> by <a contents="James Michael Sama" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesmsama.com/" target="_blank">James Michael Sama</a>. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks! <br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30427392020-05-05T11:10:00-04:002022-04-05T18:56:38-04:00Date A Boy Who Travels<p>Date A Boy Who Travels, by Lena Desmond at lainnnes. Lena did a great job with this article. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!<br><br>---<br><br>Date a boy who treasures experience over toys, a hand-woven bracelet over a Rolex. Date the boy who scoffs when he hears the words, “vacation”, “all-inclusive”, or “resort”. Date a boy who travels because he’s not blinded by a single goal but enlivened by many.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/08672a5249dffc3aeed5bf5d7158feb4fad91f74/medium/date-a-boy-who-travels.jpg?1464647248" class="size_m justify_center border_" />You might find him in an airport or at a book store browsing the travel guides – although he “only uses them for reference.”<br><br>You’ll know it’s him because when you peek at his computer screen, his background will be a scenic splendor of rolling hills, mountains, or prayer flags. His Facebook friend count will be over-the-roof, and his wall will be plastered with the broken English ‘miss-you’ of friends he met along the way.<br><br>When he travels, he makes lifelong friends in an hour. And although contact with these friends is sporadic and may be far-between, his bonds are unmessable and if he wanted, he could couch surf the world… again.<br><br>Buy him a beer. Once a traveller gets home, people rarely listen to their stories. So listen to him. Allow him to paint a picture that brings you into his world. He might talk fast and miss small details because he’s so excited to be heard. Bask in his enthusiasm. Want it for yourself.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>He’ll squeak like an excited toddler when his latest issue of National Geographic arrives in the mail. Then he’ll grow quiet, engrossed, until he finishes his analysis of every photo, every adventure. In his mind, he’ll insert himself in these pictures.<br><br>He’ll pass the issue on to you and grill you about your dreams and competitively ask about the craziest thing you’ve ever done. Tell him. And know that he’ll probably win. And if by chance you win, know that his next lot in life will be to out do you. But then he’ll say, “Maybe we can do it together.”<br><br>Date the boy who talks of distant places and whose hands have explored the stone relics of ancient civilizations and whose mind has imagined those hands carving, chiseling, painting the wonders of the world. And when he talks, it’s as if he’s reliving it with you.<br><br>You can almost hear his heart racing. You can almost feel the adrenaline ramped up by the moment. You feel it passing through his synapsis, a feast to his eyes entering through those tiny oracles of experience that we call pupils, digesting rapidly through his veins, manifesting into his nervous system, transforming and altering his worldview like a reverse trauma and finally passing, but forever changing the colors of his sight. (Unless he’s Karl Pilkington.) You will want this too.<br><br>Date a boy who’s lived out of a backpack because he lives happily with less. A boy who’s travelled has seen poverty and dined with those who live in small shanty’s with no running water, and yet welcome strangers with greater hospitality than the rich.<br><br>And because he’s seen this, he’s seen how a life without luxury can mean a life fueled by relationships and family, rather than a life that fuels fancy cars and ego.<br><br>He’s experienced different ways of being, respects alternative religions and he looks at the world with the eyes of a five-year-old, curious and hungry. Your dad will be happy too because he’s good with money and knows how to budget.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>This boy relishes home; the comfort of a duvet, the safety stirred in a mom-cooked meal, the easy conversation of childhood friends, and the immaculate glory of the flush-toilet. Although fiercely independent, he has had time to reflect on himself and his relationships. Despite his wanderlust, he knows and appreciates his ties to home.<br><br>He has had a chance to miss and be missed. Because of this, he also knows a thing or two about goodbyes. He knows the overwhelming uncertainty of leaving the comforts of home, the indefinite see-you-laters at the departure gates, and yet he fearlessly goes into the unknown because he knows the feeling of return. And that the I’ve-missed-you-hug is the best type of hug in the whole world.<br><br>He also knows that goodbyes are just prolonged see-you-laters and that ‘hello’ is only as far away as the nearest internet cafe.<br><br>Don’t hold onto this boy. Let this boy go and go with him. If you haven’t travelled, he will open your eyes to a world beyond the news and popular perception. He will open your dreams to possibility and reality.<br><br>He will calm your nerves when you’re about to miss a flight or when your rental blows a flat, because he knows the journey is the adventure. He will make light of the unsavory noises you make when you – and you will – get food poisoning.<br><br>He will make you laugh through the discomfort all while dabbing your forehead with a cold cloth and nursing you with bottled water. He will make you feel like you’re home.<br><br>When you see something beautiful, he will hold your hand in silence, in awh the history of where his feet stand, and the fact that you’re with him.<br><br>He will live in every moment with you, because this is how he lives his life. He understands that happiness is no more than a string of moments that displace neutrality, and he is determined to tie as many of these strings together as he can.<br><br>He also understands your need to live for yourself and that you have a bucket list of your own.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Understand his. Understand that your goals may at some points differ, but that independence is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship when it’s mutually respected.<br><br>You may lose him for a bit, but he will always come home bearing a new story and a souvenir he picked up because it reminded him of you, like it was made for you, and because he missed you.<br><br>You might be compelled to do the same. Make sure that independence is on your bucketlist, and make sure it’s checked. Independence will keep your relationship fresh and exciting, and when you’re together again it will forge a bond of unbreakable trust.<br><br>He’ll propose when you’ve breached your comfort-zone, whether it be a fear like skydiving or swimming with sharks, or sitting next to the smelly person on an overcrowded bus. It won’t be with a diamond ring, but with a token from a native culture or inspired by nature, like the penguin and the pebble.<br><br>You will get married somewhere unassumed, surrounded by a select few, in a moment constructed to celebrate venturing into the unknown together again. Marry the boy who’s travelled and together you will make the whole world your home.<br><br>Your honeymoon will not be forgotten to a buffet dinner and all-you-can-drink beach bars, but will be remembered in the triumphant photographs at the top of Kilimanjaro and memorialized in the rewarding ache of muscles at the end of a long days hike.<br><br>When you’re ready, you will have children that have the names of the characters you met on your journeys, the foreign names of people who dug a special place in your heart if only for a few days.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Perhaps you will live in another country, and your children will learn of language and customs that open their minds from the very start, leaving no room for prejudice. He will introduce them to the life of Hemingway, the journey of Santiago, and empower them to live even bigger than both of you.<br><br>Marry a boy who travels and he’ll teach your children the beauty of a single stone, the history of the Incas and he will instill in them the bravery of possibility. He will explain to them that masking opportunity, there is fear. He will teach them to concur it.<br><br>And when you’re old, you’ll sit with your grandchildren pouring over your photo albums and chest of worldly treasures, while they too insert themselves into your photographs, sparked by the beauty of the world and inspired by your life in it.<br><br>Find a boy who travels because you deserve a life of adventure and possibility. You deserve to live light and embrace simplicity. You deserve to look at life through the eyes of youth and with your arms wide open.<br><br>Because this is where you will find joy. And better, you will find joy together. And if you can’t find him, travel. Go. Embrace it. Explore the world for yourself because dreams are the stuff reality is made from.<br><br>James Russell Lingerfelt’s note: Due to the context and title of her article, one would think Lainnnes is writing, “boys who don’t travel aren’t worth dating.” But don’t misunderstand her. Her point is, “a man with these character qualities is what I’m looking for” (which in her observations and experience, many gain once their global views are broadened).<br><br>Many young women have found encouragement from her words, especially those who’ve heard a lot of “rich, good looks, and charm is what counts in a mate.” Notice her article’s focus on character development rather than travel in and of itself. Anyone can enjoy a foreign vacation.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But not everyone will allow themselves to be changed for the better after life’s various experiences. So for those young men who are not able to travel, take heart. Read her description of a lovely man, take what you wish from it, and wonder why this article received 490,352 hits in two weeks and over 300 comments (mostly from women praising the article).<br><br><strong><em>Read another popular post:</em></strong> <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><br>This article first appeared as <em>Date a boy who travels</em>, by <a contents="Lena Desmond" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://wherearemyheels.com/" target="_blank">Lena Desmond</a>. Click on Lena's name to follow her on the social networks!<br><em>---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375942020-05-04T06:45:00-04:002022-04-05T18:56:49-04:00A Woman’s Response To “Beautiful Advice From a Divorced Man After 16 Years of Marriage”<p>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: We took a number of your responses and added them to the comments section below. The power of this article is in the collaborative effort, so feel free to add your own thoughts!<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/96acc4f284db919c46aae98c15994c0aacd56e58/medium/a-womans-response-to-beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage.jpg?1464130015" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>Lastly, in my experience watching my parents, if we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness. Isn’t this true in all healthy relationships? Such principles are great, but having a list of ideas to help us along never hurts…</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>Began by “Wendy”</p>
<p>I’m a woman, divorced after 7 years of marriage. I read your post and appreciate the heart behind the advice. The fact that you you recognize the part you played in the scheme of things is a feat in itself. Being able to face the past with openness and humility is admirable and not something many can, or even want, to accomplish.</p>
<p>Given my experience, there are some key concepts I learned in my journey as well. We women have equal responsibility in making a marriage work. For all the points mentioned for husbands, there are perhaps also some for wives I would like to share.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>1. Always seek out the best in him. Dwell on those things, not what you don’t like about him. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>2. Have sex with him. Often. All the time if need be. (From Caroline)</p>
<p> i. Best advice received from an older woman on the eve of my wedding 12 years ago: Make love a lot, especially when you don’t feel like it. Making love is a balm, it covers and heals a lot of the wounds we inflict on one another in a marriage. When you feel like you just AREN’T close to your spouse, that’s the time to take off your clothes and GET close. Boy-oh-boy, was Janice right! (From Rebekah)</p>
<p>3. Seek counsel from older, wiser women who have succeeded in their marriages. It’s impossible to make good decisions when we’re emotional. And seeking counsel from your friends who are your own age isn’t as good as counsel from elderly women. (From JRL - host)</p>
<p>4. Let him zone out. He is not ignoring you, men just have moments of brain freeze. (From Caroline)</p>
<p>5. It’s not your job to change or fix him. We are all on a journey. (From Wendy)</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>6. Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME. They tend to forget. (From Caroline)</p>
<p>7. Never forget or take for granted that your man chose you. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>8. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they aren’t funny. (From Caroline)</p>
<p>9. We are responsible for our reactions, no one else. We must take full accountability of our emotions and how we respond. And so must he. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>10. Make him that goddam sandwich. (From Caroline)</p>
<p>11. Allow your man to just be. Be a comfort, be a gentle and giving spirit when the times call for it. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>12. Quit your bitching when he gets home, let him chill. (From Caroline)</p>
<p>13. Love him in the way he needs it, not the way you assume he needs it. Find out your different love languages and be sensitive and ready to show him you love him in ways he understands best. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>14. Make yourself look pretty. The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man. (From Caroline)</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>15. Be present. Give him your time and attention when he needs it. In my experience, during those times I did serve him, he over time, served me. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>16. Never talk about other men, even if they are fictional or movie, even if it’s to say “you are so much hotter than that guy” Most men already think they are, so this will confuse them. (From Caroline)</p>
<p>17. Be willing to have him sexually. Let him know you need his masculine presence, that you trust him fully. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>18. <a contents="Never read advice on the internet from strangers" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://contractorquotes.us/internet-safety-tips-for-kids/" target="_blank">Never read advice on the internet from strangers</a>. They probably don’t know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage… (From Caroline)</p>
<p>19. Give him space. He needs times to find his new self (we change constantly) before he can give of himself. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>20. By doing these things it would not mean a wife doesn’t expect her husband to be great too, or is to blame for the breakdown, just that she is doing her part to make a better half of a marriage. (From Caroline)</p>
<p>21. Be vulnerable. Do not be afraid to share your fears and feelings. Men tend to know when we’re keeping things from them. And they know when we’re transparent. And, I can’t emphasize this more: acknowledge your mistakes. Say you’re sorry when you know you need to. (From Wendy)</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>22. Allow your husband to love you his way instead of comparing his expression of love to your own ideals. If you keep comparing, you may miss the most beautiful moments of tenderness. (From Jennifer)</p>
<p>23. Do not be afraid to be fully transparent. This builds great trust over time. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>24. Don’t ever, ever, ever put your spouse down in public! He has to have someone that he knows will have his back. If you need to discuss something he did or said, do it in private. No one wants corrected in front of others. Once discussed and fixed, let it go! (From Marie)</p>
<p>25. Find common hobbies, goals and dreams. Also, find common ground in your faith. Never stop growing together. Laugh lots. Fall in love over and over again. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>26. Many times, we cannot connect or reconnect because we have created a version of them in our mind and hearts that justifies our own weakness. As long as we see them as the caricature we’ve created we cannot connect to them, because that caricature is not them. Own your feelings, own your results, meet your own needs, turn to a higher power for what you lack, and allow your higher power to make up for what pain your spouse will cause. Even the best human among us will cause another pain, it’s part of being human. (From Liz)</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>27. Don’t let financial issues come between you. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>28. Acknowledge and embrace each others pasts, it made you who you are. Speak up, talk about “it” when it happens instead of fighting about it a month later. (From Sarah)</p>
<p>29. Forgive. Don’t let history hold you or your man hostage. (From Wendy)</p>
<p>30. Never underestimate the power of simply touching each other. Sometimes it can say what words can not. (From Sarah)</p>
<p>31. Always, choose love. Love is action, not emotion. Don’t miss that. (From Wendy)<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post: </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5556px; line-height: 26.8333px;"><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5556px; line-height: 26.8333px;"><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"> </a><br>---</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">,<a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375952020-05-03T07:20:00-04:002024-03-03T21:12:09-05:00Beautiful Advice From a Divorced Man After 16 Years of Marriage<p><em>My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage,</em> by Gerald Rogers. See details below.</p>
<p>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/cce83c22e8e8b69842c05d7ab8fac09ea1a9612b/medium/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage.jpg?1442089206" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: Mr. Gerald Rogers’ article stirred a wide variety of feelings among people across the globe. Helped and encouraged thousands, infuriated few. We read letters from women in Malaysia comforting women in England. Men in USA and Singapore spoke healing words to men in Europe and India. A man in Germany responded with some of the deepest insights I’ve read in years. The unity and compassion among people which this article brought forth was a beautiful experience to witness. I’ll never forget it.<br><br>One common idea reverberated among many of the healthy responses: If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Is utter and complete selflessness the goal? The advice in this article can be applied to both genders.</p>
<p>---<br><br>Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had:<br><br><br><strong>1. Never stop courting</strong> <br>Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it.<br><br>This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. Protect your own heart</strong><br>Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife.<br><br>Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.<br><br><br><strong>3. Fall in love over and over again</strong><br>You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday.<br><br>SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.<br><br><br><strong>4. Always see the best in her</strong><br>Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.<br><br>Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.<br><br><br><strong>5. It’s not your job to change or fix her</strong><br>Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.<br><br><br><strong>6. Take full accountability...</strong><br><b>...</b>For your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>7. Never blame your wife if <em>you...</em></strong><br>get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed.<br><br>You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.<br><br><br><strong>8. Allow your woman to <em>just be</em></strong><br>When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean.<br><br>The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET.<br><br>Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.<br><br><br><strong>9. Be silly</strong>…<br>don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.<br><br><br><strong>10. Fill her soul everyday</strong>…<br>learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.<br><br><br><strong>11. Be present</strong><br>Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>12. Be willing to take her sexually...</strong> <br>To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.<br><br><br><strong>13. Don’t be an idiot</strong><br>And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.<br><br><br><strong>14. Give her space</strong><br>The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing.<br><br>(Okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)<br><br><br><strong>15. Be vulnerable</strong>…<br>You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.<br><br><br><strong>16. Be fully transparent</strong><br>If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds…<br><br>Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p><br><strong>17. Never stop growing together</strong><br>The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.<br><br><br><strong>18. Don’t worry about money</strong><br>Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.<br><br><br><strong>19. Forgive immediately...</strong><br>and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.</p>
<p><br><strong>20. Always choose love</strong><br>ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.</p>
<p><strong>In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after.</strong> It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity.<br><br>Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.</p>
<p>These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, <em><strong>I loved being married</strong></em>, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love.<br><br>One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.</p>
<p>MEN - THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an<em> EPIC LOVER.</em>There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></a><br><br>This article was first published by my friend <a contents="Gerald Rogers" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://geraldrogers.com/" target="_blank">Gerald Rogers</a> as "My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage." Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!<br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5556px; line-height: 26.8333px;">---</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram,</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/34644502020-05-03T07:10:00-04:002022-04-05T19:00:19-04:0036 Questions That Will Increase Intimacy With Your Partner<p>English professor Mandy Len Catron wrote a piece in <em>The New York Times</em> that mentioned a list containing the questions here. See details on the article below. <br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/b33dd26c44ff89c64406ff888254518f98114ee7/medium/36-questions-that-will-increase-intimacy-with-your-partner.jpg?1501620275" class="size_m justify_center border_" />More than 20 years ago, psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions.<br><br>Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.<br><br>Much of Dr. Aron’s research focuses on creating interpersonal closeness. In particular, several studies investigate the ways we incorporate others into our sense of self.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It’s easy to see how the questions encourage what they call “self-expansion.” Saying things like, “I like your voice, your taste in beer, the way all your friends seem to admire you,” makes certain positive qualities belonging to one person explicitly valuable to the other.<br><br>(Mandy speaking) What I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It’s true you can’t choose who loves you, although I’ve spent years hoping otherwise, and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone.<br><br>Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.<br><br>The 36 questions:<br><br>1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?<br><br>2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?<br><br>3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?<br><br>4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?<br><br>5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?<br><br>6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Feb 2020 square ad --> <script>
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</script><br>7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?<br><br>8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.<br><br>9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?<br><br>10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?<br><br>11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.<br><br>12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?<br><br>13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?<br><br>14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?<br><br>15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?<br><br>16. What do you value most in a friendship?<br><br>17. What is your most treasured memory?<br><br>18. What is your most terrible memory?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?<br><br>20. What does friendship mean to you?<br><br>21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?<br><br>22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.<br><br>23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?<br><br>24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?<br><br>25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “<br><br>26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “<br><br>27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.<br><br>28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.<br><br>30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?<br><br>31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.<br><br>32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?<br><br>33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?<br><br>34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?<br><br>35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?<br><br>36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Feb 2020 square ad --> <script>
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</script><br>These questions were referenced in an article <a contents="Mandy Len Catron's" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://mandylencatron.com/" target="_blank">Mandy Len Catron's</a> wrote regarding a handful of psychologists, titled <a contents="To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html" target="_blank"><em>To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This</em></a>. <br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/34758372020-05-02T15:40:00-04:002022-04-05T19:00:23-04:005 Dating Tips To Remember Before Dating Someone<p><em>5 Dating Tips To Remember Before Dating Someone </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/86f410e9c3a323b8e6aa2e289b457f9a1e387b66/medium/5-dating-tips-to-remember-before-dating-someone.jpg?1447698040" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>According to <a contents="Van Epp " data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.lovethinks.com/" target="_blank">Van Epp </a>studies, it takes three months to begin to know someone, and two years to truly know someone. You get to Know someone before you Trust them - not vice versa.<br><br>After you know you can Trust someone, then you can allow yourself to Rely on them (however that's manifested i.e., meeting wants and needs). Then, after Know, Trust, Rely, which takes two years, you are allowed to consider Commitment to each other. <br><br>Before all that, here's 5 qualities to seek in someone before dating them.<br><br><br><strong>1. Don't settle for less than what you want in a dating partner - even if you'll be single forever.</strong><br><br>It's better to be single than to date or marry someone you know isn't a good fit for you.<br><br>I've been shocked at the number of people who have said, "I just wanted to get married" or "I just wanted a girlfriend/boyfriend" after they expressed regret over dating or marrying the wrong person.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>"I didn't want to be alone" or "I was afraid of growing old and alone" they said. <br><br>Singleness isn't a time to mourn being single and lonely - that's self pity and is a form of selfishness. Even in marriage, we'll experience loneliness. Let us focus on pursuing goals, dreams, passions, and bettering ourselves as people. <br><br>Being in a relationship was never supposed to be about "me" anyway. Relationships is about us loving and serving and investing ourselves into another's person's life... for the rest of our own.<br><br><br><strong>2. Date someone who is kind to people they don't like. </strong><br><br>Guess what? When you date and marry someone, once the infatuation dissipates and normal life resumes, there will be days when that person will hate you. During those times, how will that person treat you? <br><br>Pay close attention to how your love interest treats their family members. I cannot express that enough. Because one day, if you marry the person you date, you'll be a family member and be treated likewise.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>3. Seek intelligence over "hotness" and status.</strong><br><br>I've known the girl who became more beautiful the more I came to know her. I know the girl who was hot and then turned into a slob after she was "finally" married. "I'm married, whew, now I can just let myself go." Guys have done it, too.<br><br>Date someone you can have long, deep conversations with. Someone who loves the same things as yourself. Once you're married, your partner is the last person you'll see when you go to sleep, and the first person you'll see when you wake.<br><br>Conflict, traumas, dramas, then all your new, wonderful experiences, events worth celebrating, and days when the world couldn't be better, all will be lived alongside your partner.<br><br>What will they be whispering into your ear? Will they be tearing you down or building you up? Will their attitude enrich your life or tear you down?<br><br>And that leads us into #4.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>4. Seek depth over someone who's smart.</strong><br><br>If the person is deep, he or she is smart. However, someone can be smart, and not deep. <br><br>If he or she can carry on those deep, long conversations with you, not cutting you off or poking fun at you when you share intimate facts about your life and past, perk up. He or she is a good communicator, can empathize with you (not criticize when they don't understand you) which is essential in healthy relationships.<br><br>If he or she is a reader, even better. I read a study last year which showed that people who read a lot (I don't mean <em>Cosmopolitan</em> or <em>Maxim</em> mags) are much more capable of expressing compassion and empathy toward others.<br><br>Why? They've been exposed to diverse views, experiences, and world views from various characters living in different cultures and contexts.<br><br><br><strong>5. If you want to get married one day, date someone who wants to get married.</strong><br><br>I've known people who dated someone for years, and later expressed sadness for that decision, knowing all along that the other person didn't want to get married. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>All those years were invested into that relationship, and now they want to leave, but feel stuck. "If I leave her, it will hurt her" or "If I leave him, I'll be alone again." Don't make that mistake.<br><br>Remember, it is better to be alone with space to explore, learn, and grow, than to be unhappily married to someone who isn't a good fit for you.<br><br>Read another popular post:<span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/40562132020-05-01T06:40:00-04:002022-04-05T19:00:27-04:0012 Relationship Tips For Newlyweds <p><em>12 Relationship Tips For Newlyweds</em> by Brilliant Earth. See below for details.<br><br>---<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/95b498d948dccbe0c8e4a2dcf2b35a739ac19424/medium/12-relationship-tips-for-newlyweds.jpg?0" class="size_m justify_center border_" />For many couples, there is no moment more magical than their wedding day. After months of planning and prepping and errands and tastings, everything comes together for the perfect celebratory event… But then, real life kicks in. No matter how wonderful your Big Day was, marriage comes with its own set of challenges.<br><br>Not every couple is ready for the shift that occurs once the wedding planning dies down. We surveyed dozens of therapists, couples counselors, and relationship experts to identify how couples could best support each other in the first year of marriage. Here’s what they had to say. <br><br>"Extend grace for the minor annoyances. Can we just be honest? People do stuff that gets on our nerves at times. That’s true of all of us, even with the people we love most, maybe even especially with the people we love the most. Great couples have learned not to let those little things distract from the major things, like love and commitment." – Dr. Fran Walfish <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>"People naturally settle into married life after an eventful year of wedding celebrations, but while couples refocus on their careers and create new priorities, it can feel as though their relationship has fallen to the back burner. Be weary of this shift in dynamic!<br><br>This sense of comfort can quickly turn into laziness in love. Couples should put just as much effort into their marriage as they did when they were just dating. The term 'date your mate,' exists for a reason! </p>
<p>"To have a happy, successful marriage in the long-term, aim for a daily dose of undivided attention, physical affection, such as hugging and kissing, and verbal praise, such as complimenting your partner.<br><br>Couples can also make the most of these moments by practicing gratitude for each other, which has been shown to increase relationship satisfaction and feelings of love. </p>
<p>"Try expressing appreciation for one thoughtful thing your partner did for you that day. Maybe it was a simple, 'I miss you' text during the workday, or a home cooked meal. Creating a daily routine around gratitude will quickly become a favorite time of the day where you feel more connected and intimate." - Samantha Burns<br><br>"First, focus on being better, not being right. Most marriages go through an adjustment period the first year, especially if you haven’t lived together before. Many couples get caught up in who is at 'fault' when problems arise and lose sight of the shared goal of creating a long happy life together. That takes collaboration and a willingness to let go of being 'right.'</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Paddle in the same direction. Marriage is like being in a rowboat with your spouse. If you are not paddling in the same direction as your spouse your marriage is bound to just go in circles. It is not always clear which way our spouse is paddling. That requires open dialogue and communication. So, check in with one another from time to time." - Steven J. Hanley </p>
<p>"Offer to help your partner and ask him/her how you can contribute to household responsibilities. Say things like “Is there anything else I can do? Do you need me to make these calls? Can I pick up any food/groceries for you?" Dr. Jane Greer <br><br>"The best way to support your partner in your first year of marriage is to put them first. We are naturally selfish people—oh, the number of times I’ve had to stop myself from eating the center-cut brownie before he could get to it!—but a marriage works best when you have your partner’s best interests in mind and they have yours. </p>
<p>"I think the only way a marriage can last is with a team mentality: fully believing that what is best for your partner is ultimately best for you too. Sure, you may have to take turns on whose career takes priority or picking whose office you’ll live closest to, but at the end of the day, having a partner in life who you know has your back no matter what is an incredibly precious gift.<br><br>"When we consistently put ourselves first, thinking of our marriage as two opposing teams, that’s where the trouble comes in. People say you shouldn’t be best friends with your spouse, but I say, go ahead, be one another’s BFF, because ultimately, your spouse is the one person who is definitely, absolutely going to be with you forever." - Caroline Cunningham</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>"Practice being vulnerable. Love is about sharing joy and fun, but the connection deepens so much more when you can share the hard stuff too–disappointments, sadness, regrets. Embrace the security that comes from fully seeing and knowing one another." - Erica R. Turner </p>
<p>"If a couple wants to support each other, they can start practicing gratitude now. Tell each other what they love about the other and what they are grateful for. Then if things begin to change, they can gently remind each other of what they found so delightful in the beginning." -Dawn Maslar </p>
<p>"More importantly than at any point in the marriage, in that first year, exhibit patience. This is different than being patient. Exhibiting patience means making sure your spouse knows, sees and hears that you understand whatever they (or you as a couple) are going through. Being patient is taking a deep breath and holding back from whatever initial act of frustration hits you.<br><br>"An example of exhibiting patience is saying, 'There was another potential snowstorm that we’re just too darn strong to let bury us' and giving them a kiss and a smile. It’s very important to both partners in that first year that they do not see little arguments or bumps in the road as being damaging and marriage ending from the perspective of their spouse." -Chris Armstrong<br><br>"Make sure to compliment each other. Research says you need 5 positives for every negative to keep your relationship strong. Listen to your partner’s requests and try your best to do them. Learn to compromise where there are big differences. Find creative ways to meet in the middle. Remember to still laugh and have fun and be romantic.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>"Don’t take the other for granted. Having a weekly date night after marriage tends to make marriages last longer and be stronger. Money is one of the top things couples fight about. Create a system that works for you both or seek help around it so you are on the same page and have an agreed upon plan." -Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman<br><br>"It’s easy to feel romantic when you live separately and date each other, because every moment spent together is special. From the moment you begin to live together, such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, or going to work.<br><br>"Although this can be new, exciting and fun at first, as soon as the initial newness of living together wears off, such everyday things cease to feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you. Here are four simple steps to help: </p>
<p>"1) Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything. 2) Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up — be a team, a partnership. Don’t get stuck on who’s right or wrong. Focus on what will solve the problem. 3) Keep your connection going through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for each other. 4) Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other." -Tina B. Tessina <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>"Perhaps the biggest change in the first year of marriage is that though the couple has now made a commitment to each other, they start to take each other for granted.<br><br>So, it’s very important that they continue to do the little things they did pre-marriage that sent the message: 'You matter.' These include showing respect, appreciation and prioritizing the relationship. </p>
<p>"One of the things NOT to do is attempt to change the person. Accept who he or she is. Additionally, encourage who they are and what they are doing. SO, if there is a new job or a challenge, as an example, be a cheerleader.<br><br>Communicate, communicate, communicate – talk about your days, gossip (research shows couples who gossip together are closer), and discuss your feelings (including sex)." -Karen Sherman </p>
<p>"No matter how busy and complicated your lives become, be sure to build into every week some 'Sweetheart Time' — a time in which you talk about your feelings and wants and dreams and in which you do some of the things you enjoyed doing when you were dating. Never forget that you want to remain Sweethearts." -Isadora Alman</p>
<p>There is no magic formula to ensure the perfect marriage, but listening to wisdom from the experts can certainly help couples appreciate each other and treat each other with kindness and respect.<br><br>Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough. <br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></a><br><br>This article first appeared as<em> <a contents="12 Relationship Tips For Newlyweds" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.brilliantearth.com/news/relationship-advice-for-newlyweds/" target="_blank">12 Relationship Tips For Newlyweds</a></em> on <a contents="Brilliant Earth" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.brilliantearth.com/" target="_blank">Brilliant Earth</a>. The writers did a fantastic job with this article! Click on their name to follow them on social media!<br><br>--- <br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <em><strong><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </strong></em>or subscribe to his <strong><a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> </strong>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/34444212020-04-30T07:55:00-04:002022-04-05T19:00:39-04:003 Common Misconceptions About Romantic Love <p><em>3 Common Misconceptions About Romantic Love</em> by Mark Manson. See details below.<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/e582b633acef4f1a5b87b503ef383ff89c56237d/medium/3-misconceptions-about-romantic-love.jpg?1447441974" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>John Lennon wrote, “All You Need is Love” and beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.<br><br>Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called “Love is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.<br><br>One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.<br><br>In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff — all of the hard stuff?<br><br>But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.<br><br>Idealizing love causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Allow me to illustrate:<br><br><br><strong>1. Love does not equal compatibility. </strong><br><br>Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.<br><br>It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.<br><br>It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality. It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.<br><br>That may sound paradoxical, but it’s true.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>When I think of all of the disastrous relationships I’ve seen or people have emailed me about, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion — they felt that “spark” and so they just dove in head first. It just felt right.<br><br>When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and their worldviews in general. <br><br><br><strong>2. Love does not solve your relationship problems.</strong><br><br>My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.<br><br>And every time we fought, we’d come back to each other the next day and make up and remind each other how crazy we were about one another and that none of those little things matter because we’re omg sooooooo in love and we’ll find a way to work it out and everything will be great, just you wait and see.</p>
<p>Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.<br><br>As you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. We were both self-absorbed to the point where we couldn’t even communicate that effectively.</p>
<p>Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three years!<br><br>After all, love conquers all, right? Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg being doused in jet fuel. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this: while love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each high feeling even more important and more valid than the one before, but unless there’s a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that rising tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.<br><br><br><strong>3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. </strong><br><br>One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.<br><br>But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it? In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.<br><br>But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it.</p>
<p>If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were.<br><br>One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.<br><br>But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend? Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.”<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been “between jobs” for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns about him, she happily married him anyway.<br><br>But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. A year into their marriage, he’s still “between jobs,” he trashes the house while she’s at work, gets angry if she doesn’t cook dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she’s “spoiled” and “arrogant.” Oh, and he still ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.<br><br>And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. She idealized love. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love signaled relationship compatibility. It didn’t.</p>
<p>When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. It didn’t. And now that everything had fallen into a heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work.<br><br>And the truth is, it won’t.<br><br>Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships? Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. That friendship would be over fast.<br><br>Or another situation: a man’s girlfriend who was so jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to make sure he wasn’t tempted by other women. His life was practically under 24/7 surveillance and you could see it wearing on his self-esteem.</p>
<p>His self-worth dropped to nothing. She didn’t trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to do anything.<br><br>Yet he stays with her! Why? Because he’s in love!<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>Concluding remarks</strong><br><br>Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.<br><br>You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.<br><br>But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.<br><br>Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy. But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose.</p>
<p>We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.<br><br>Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.<br><br>This article was originally named <em><a contents="Love Is Not Enough" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/love" target="_blank">Love Is Not Enough</a></em> by <a contents="Mark Manson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://markmanson.net/" target="_blank">Mark Manson</a>. Click on his name to follow him on the social networks!</p>
<p><strong>Read another popular post:</strong> <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a></p>
<p>--- <br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/34066622020-04-29T20:10:00-04:002022-04-05T19:00:52-04:005 Regrets From His First Marriage<p><em>5 Regrets From His First Marriage </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br> <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/b21ae190ee7e7ac11fb9fa5df495b9832e357467/medium/5-regrets-from-his-first-marriage.jpg?1501191507" class="size_m justify_center border_" />I hung out with my pal Robert the other day. He was married when he was 21 and she was 19. They divorced eight years later. It's been over a year now, and he's dating again. We talked a good while about his past marriage, and I pulled 5 insights from our conversation.<br><br><br><strong>1. He wished he understood that he's in control of his reactions.</strong> <br><br>No one can make us angry or irritable or short-tempered. These are all reactions we choose. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. He wished he understood the "emotional bank account."</strong><br><br>We all have this emotional bank account. We make deposits. Our spouse makes deposits. We take withdrawals and our spouse takes withdrawals.<br><br>We must have the humility to give and receive. And when both partners are giving, receiving, and have decided to be committed to each other, no matter what happens, it seems to work.<br><br><br><strong>3. He wished he understood that psychological assaults are not forgotten. </strong><br><br>They're forgiven, but not forgotten.<br><br>Emotional attacks are psychological. And the deeper the wounds from the attack, the longer it takes the wounds to heal. These are wounds with tender scabs. And when future psychological attacks occur, the old wounds are irritated and they bleed again.<br><br>Psychological wounds are hidden. We can't see them, therefore if I'm the person who inflicted them, I may never know they exist in my loved one. Maybe I did know, apologized, and forgot. But my loved one didn't. <br><br>Don't misunderstand the difference between anger and cruelty. Healthy anger lets our loved ones know their behavior isn't permissible. It incites movement for change. But cruelty is intentionally hurting someone because of our own unhappiness.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>I have very deep, loving relationships with family members, and I can tell you when and where we were when I was hurt. Have I forgiven them? Yes. Am I there for them? Yes. Have I forgotten it? No.<br><br><br><strong>4. He wished he had paid more attention to his instincts.</strong><br><br>If something doesn't feel right, there's usually a reason. You know what normal is in your life. So when something doesn't feel right, it's time to ask questions.<br><br><br><strong>5. He wished he hadn't let the abnormal become the normal.</strong><br><br>After we're stuck in dysfunctional relationships for a long period of time, we tolerate the assaults and make excuses for them. "That's just how he/she is," we say. Or we might say, "I knew that would set him/her off, so it's probably my fault." <br><br>It's possible to come to a place where we don't know what normal is anymore.<br><br>My brother Wayne was in sales for a number of years. He said they were taught that people are generally only comfortable in stepping outside their boundaries by 15%.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It's like this: "Introduce them to the idea. Plant the seed. Don't blindside them with it. Don't push. Then when that 15% becomes 0%, push for the next 15%."<br><br><br><strong>Conclusion:</strong><br><br>If we can accomplish the following, we're accomplishing a lot: When both partners place the other's desires and needs above their own, and there's a mutual decision from both to remain committed to each other no matter what happens, a healthy marriage can be sustained.<br><br>Read another popular post:<span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong></p>
<p>---</p>
<p><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/33708402020-04-27T14:00:00-04:002022-04-05T19:01:06-04:006 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic<p><em>6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic</em> by Mark Manson. See details below.<br><br>---<br><br><strong>1. Letting some conflicts go unresolved</strong><br><br>John Gottman devised “thin-slicing” relationships, a technique where he hooks couples up to all sorts of biometric devices and then records them having short <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/b834245520d501c5e7e0ffad80487a44cb8fd70c/medium/6-healthy-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-toxic.jpg?1501101774" class="size_m justify_center border_" />conversations about their problems. Gottman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame looking at biometric data, body language, tonality and specific words chosen. He then combines all of this data together to predict whether your marriage sucks or not.<br><br>His “thin-slicing” process boasts a staggering 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wed couples will divorce within 10 years - a staggeringly high result for any psychological research. Gottman’s seminars also report a 50% higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional marriage counseling. His research papers have won enough academic awards to fill the state of Delaware. And he’s written nine books on the subjects of intimate relationships, marital therapy and the science of trust.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>And the first thing Gottman says in almost all of his books is this: The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth.<br><br>In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom who have been married for 40+ years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving fucking everything because they believed that there should be a void of disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship too.<br><br>People like to fantasize about “true love.” But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don’t like. Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partners or things they don’t agree with, and that this is fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.<br><br><br><strong>2. Being willing to hurt each other's feelings</strong><br><br>My girlfriend is one of those women who spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. She loves to look amazing and I love for her to look amazing too (obviously).<br><br>Nights before we go out, she always comes out of the bathroom after an hour-long make-up/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks me how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. But every once in a while, she looks bad. She tried to do something new with her hair or decided to wear a pair of boots that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milan thought were avant-garde. And it just doesn’t work.<br><br>When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at me.<br><br>Men stereotypically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. She calls me out on my bullshit sometimes, and it’s honestly one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time.<br><br>When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it.<br><br>It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right. The sunsets and puppies, they happen when you get the more important stuff right: values, needs and trust.<br><br>If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.<br><br>These conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs. With out them, we get lost and lose track of one another.<br><br><br><strong>3. Being willing to end it</strong><br><br>Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.<br><br>Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves, our values, our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.<br><br><br><strong>4. Feeling attraction for people outside the relationship</strong> <br><br>Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. Being in love is like a cult where you’re supposed to prefer drinking Kool Aid laced with cyanide to letting your thoughts wander to whether other religions may be true too. As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise.<br><br>Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. I get emails all the time from people in happy marriages/relationships who get blindsided by finding someone else attractive and they feel like horrible, horrible people because of it. <br><br>What isn’t an inevitability are our choices to act on it or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.<br><br>This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be it, end of story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.<br><br>But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.<br><br>People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to project them onto their partner and becoming blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought and whim, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><em><strong>When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. But it also reminds me why, out of all of the beautiful women I’ve ever met and dated, I chose to be with my girlfriend. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is common. But real intimacy is not.</strong></em><br><br>When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?<br><br>What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.<br><br><br><strong>5. Spending time apart</strong><br><br>You see it all the time: the man who meets his girlfriend and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her boyfriend likes even though she doesn’t know how to hold the XBox controller properly. We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.<br><br>When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person we’re infatuated with. This feels great. It’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.<br><br>The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.<br><br>It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>6. Accepting your partner's flaws</strong> <br><br>Milan Kundera said there are two types of womanizers: 1) men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her, and 2) men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.<br><br>I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either try to make their partner be perfect by “fixing” them or changing them. Or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.<br><br>This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Let’s break it down: 1) Every person has flaws and imperfections. 2) You can’t ever force a person to change. Therefore, you must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate. The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings - her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks - and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, then that’s a sign of true intimacy.<br><br>Alex Grey said, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another and our flaws enamor one another.<br><br>It may be our perfections that attract one another. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether we stay together or not.<br><br><a contents="6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://markmanson.net/6-healthy-habits" target="_blank"><em>6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic</em></a> by <a contents="Mark Manson" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://markmanson.net/" target="_blank">Mark Manson</a>. originally appeared on <a contents="Markmanson.net." data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://markmanson.net/" target="_blank">Markmanson.net.</a><br><br>Read another popular post:<span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2mhp9dw" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2nAGFcO" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?1458997662" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375892020-04-22T19:10:00-04:002022-04-05T19:01:22-04:00I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married<p><em>I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married</em> by Chassid in The Middle East. See below for details.<br><br>---</p>
<p>I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap. I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date. <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/849086f772c8c79ee3484e0c6fc8cd54c2dfe578/medium/i-didnt-love-my-wife-when-we-got-married.jpg?1501017862" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly. I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird. I still remember her reaction. She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile. Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.</p>
<p>I wasn’t heartbroken by the response. I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me. But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.</p>
<p>Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time. After two months of dating, we were engaged. Three months after that, we were married. And that whole time I was swooning. This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>But then we got married, and everything changed.</p>
<p>Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion. I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.<br><br>I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account? How can you feel it when you get into an argument?<br><br>How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?</p>
<p>There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives. And at first, it drove me nuts. That emotion meant love! That excitement was how I knew I cared for her! <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But suddenly, life was this grind. Even when I was with her. Especially when I was with her. And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.</p>
<p>But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times. Like, when I offered to do the dishes. Or make dinner after she had a hard day. <br><br>Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her. I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while. It just kept happening.</p>
<p>But I think it had an effect on me. Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be this look she would give me. <br><br>This look of absolute love. One that was soft and so beautiful. It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening. But eventually it became clear. Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving. In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.<br><br>And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.</p>
<p>And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.<br><br>I didn’t love my wife on that second date. I didn’t love her when we got engaged. I didn’t even love her when we got married. Because love isn’t an emotion. That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire. From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry. But it wasn’t love.</p>
<p>No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun. It’s a verb. The Hebrew word for love means “giving.” As putting someone else’s needs above your own. Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married? <br><br>Because it wasn’t for her. It was for me. An emotion I had in my chest. And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love. Being sappy isn’t love.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do. And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile. She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a> </p>
<p><em>This article first appeared as <a contents="I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/" target="_blank">I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married</a></em> by <a contents="Chassid" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://popchassid.com/" target="_blank">Chassid</a> in The Middle East first appeared on <a contents="PopChassid.com" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://popchassid.com/" target="_blank">PopChassid.com</a>. Click on the links to follow him on the social networks!</p>
<p>---<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">,<a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/32324222020-04-19T20:20:00-04:002022-04-05T19:01:33-04:006 Things To Remember When You Don't Feel Good Enough<p><em>6 Things To Remember When You Don't Feel Good Enough </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/867ca5a0278096ec1fbf2e72ea552ad5729b461e/medium/6-things-to-remember-when-you-dont-feel-good-enough.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />We all have our days when the world couldn’t be better, and others, when we wonder why we even try.<br><br>The worst day is when we listen to that voice that says we’re not good enough. Where does that voice come from, anyway? It doesn’t come from the people who love us.<br><br>Here are some key points we can remember on our bad days.<br><br><br><strong>1. There are more good things working for us than the bad.</strong><br><br>We tend to look at other people’s highlights and think that’s how their life is lived at all times. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>The comparison game only leads us to a life of either self-pity (I’m not as good as them) or pride (I’m better than them). <br><br>Each day is filled with its highs and lows, victories and defeats, accomplishments and shortcomings.<br><br>What if we chose to look at people as fellow workers, strivers, and survivors in the world? With eyes of empathy and compassion, we can see all humanity sharing in the human experience. <br><br><br><strong>2. Nothing lasts forever – the good or the bad.</strong><br><br>Was today a bad day? Whatever resulted… it will pass. And people will forget. As famous writers say after a novel performs poorly, “Do better next time.” Let it go. There’s nothing more we can do.<br><br>If anyone looks down on us, they’re simply forgetting that they too have made mistakes or have fallen short.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><br><strong>3. The people who love us most - what do they think about us?</strong><br><br>People will say and think nasty things about us… Now let's ask ourselves a question. Do they truly know us? <br><br>If they did, they probably wouldn’t have thought or said those things? Why, because they would already understand why we did and said what we did.<br><br>Now the people who love us most, what do they think and say about us? Probably very good things. Let's dwell on those.<br><br><br><strong>4. Life isn’t a race or a marathon. It’s a journey.</strong><br><br>You hear that life is more of a journey than a destination. But I’m saying there is no destination. Try it. Tell me your destination. There isn’t one.<br><br>The entire life is a journey. <br><br>If we believe we must “win” or “succeed” let's be reminded that we define what “winning” and “succeeding” is.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>What if we began focusing on enjoying the journey and the pursuit of our dreams and goals rather than attaining the goal? That way, if we don’t attain the goal or it isn’t attained quick enough, we are still enjoying existence. <br><br>Life will be easier, we’ll be more merciful to ourselves, and we’ll enjoy the path to success more, when we simply change our attitudes.<br><br><br><strong>5. Remember the poorer by spending time with them.</strong><br><br>This can mean economic or mentally. It may require volunteering at the local mission, neighborhood, or even serving in third world countries.<br><br>When we take the time to listen to other's struggles, we’ll find that things in our lives are often much better than we thought. We'll also find that through helping others find healing, we too are healed.<br><br><br><strong>6. Since we are entitled to nothing and life is unpredictable, try this:</strong><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Every day, write down three things you’re thankful for. It takes a little effort, but you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes in your mind and spirit.<br><br>We have no idea what will happen five minutes from now. Keeping this in mind helps remind us that life is a journey. Dwelling on the positive, choosing to be thankful for what we already have, dwelling on our blessings, these practices will serve as medicine to our souls. <br><br><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post: </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">---<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/32195872020-04-16T09:40:00-04:002022-04-05T19:01:44-04:009 Things Men Love About Their Women<p><em>9 Things Men Love About Their Women</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/04723237be7fe1996d351fc44f9a90201fa024f9/medium/9-things-men-love-about-their-women.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Some of the best advice I've received regarding women didn't come from men or any young women. It came from a retired mom who served as a social worker for 20 years. She spent her life listening to the hearts of women. </p>
<p>I point this out because I have to tell ladies all the time to stop getting men advice from their girlfriends. You want to understand men? Start with seeking out male leaders who aren't afraid to speak truthfully to you. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, here's some words to help along the way. A man loves it when... <br> </p>
<p><strong>1. When you’re not afraid to be yourself </strong></p>
<p>Nothing signals confidence and security than a woman who doesn’t pretend to be something she isn’t. Men know no one’s perfect. <br> <br>Being yourself will attract people who will like and love you for you. Including him. <br> <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>2. When you dress at home… like you’re home</strong> </p>
<p>He loves it when you’re ready to just chill in jeans and a t-shirt. And a girl in sweatpants on the couch is a girl at home. <br> <br>You score greater points if you wear his clothes. <br> <br> <br><strong>3. When you’ve learned to hang with the boys… and you love his family </strong></p>
<p>You’ve learned to dwell on the good in them and roll your eyes and laugh when they say and do stuff off the wall. <br> <br>That doesn’t mean you have to like everything about them. Your man doesn’t, either. <br> <br> <br><strong>4. When you build him up </strong></p>
<p>Men are very rough on themselves. They constantly want to be better, more successful, and they often wonder if they have what it takes… in everything. <br> <br>When your words to him are positive and encouraging, when you tell him what you admire and respect about him, it can do wonders. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong> <br>5. When you greet him with a hug and kiss</strong> </p>
<p>Everyone likes to feel welcome and wanted. So when the woman he loves greets him with a smile, a hug, and a kiss, he’ll feel admired and appreciated. <br> <br>And his friends and family take notice, the man is respected by them because they know he’s taking care of his woman. <br> <br>Respect, appreciation, admiration, are typically more important to a man than feeling romantic love. <br> <br><strong> <br>6. When you’re dependable </strong></p>
<p>If he needs help with something, and his friends can’t help, but you can and you do, you remind him he’s never alone. <br> <br>If he can depend on your for the small things, he’ll begin trusting you for the big things. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br><strong>7. When he knows he can trust you – anywhere</strong> </p>
<p>It takes a while to build trust. But when he knows he can trust you in your behavior and with his secrets, you’re creating a foundation for a future together. <br> <br> <br><strong>8. When you want him sexually</strong> </p>
<p>Nothing is more of a turn on than when the woman he loves can’t keep her eyes and hands off him. <br> <br> <br><strong>9. When you ask what you can do to help </strong></p>
<p>“How can I make your day better? Is there something I can do that I haven’t been doing?” Awesome questions to ask him. <br><br>If you’re ready to fulfill his needs and wants, you’ll probably find that over time your man will begin asking you the same questions.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Read another popular post<a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2mFztdR" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">: </a><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5556px; line-height: 26.8333px;"><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5556px; line-height: 26.8333px;"><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"> </a><br>---</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Pinterest</em></a>,</span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> <em style="margin: 0px; font-size: 15.5556px; line-height: 26.8333px;"><a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, </em></em><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30553342020-04-15T08:20:00-04:002022-04-05T19:05:27-04:00Why I’m Not Married Yet<p><em>Why I’m Not Married Yet</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br><em>(The target audience in this note are single people who have never been married.)</em></p>
<p>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2d3f0614ed878cc7c13e3430005c75b7b865f533/medium/why-im-not-married-yet.jpg?1438213584" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>Every time this article runs, I get a message from one of two people: The first agrees with me, adds their thoughts from their own life experiences, and then thanks me for what I've written. The second writes in CAPS with bitter tones, and/or makes a snide remark about me being arrogant. <br><br>But, I can only point to my own life experiences and observations as reasons as to why I'm approaching life with this frame of reference and point of view.<br><br><br><strong>Part 1</strong><br><br>By the time I was a freshman in college, one of the questions that bothered me was, "How is it that two people can be so in love, and after just two years of marriage, hate each other's guts and want a divorce?"<br><br>I went to Auburn University and received a BA in Marriage and Family Counseling. And the main lesson I took was, "The root of marital problems is selfishness. If both partners place each other's desires and needs above their own, understand the give and take of a relationship, their marriage will work."<br><br>As I attended graduate school and furthered my studies, marriage, where two people live under the same roof, are dedicated to each other, and practice monogamy toward each other for the rest of their lives, it just didn't seem realistic. And I read a quote in Gabriel García Márquez's novel, <em>Love In A Time Of Cholera</em>. A romantic woman was talking about marriage, and the grandfather said, "We don't marry for love. We marry for stability."<br><br>And I never forgot that because in all my years of study in the field of marital counseling, I had never heard that before. In my life, up to that point, I thought you meet someone, you "fall in love" (a state of firing brain chemicals some label "infatuation") you get married, and you're dedicated to each other forever. That's what my grandparents and parents did. And that's what people do in all the best romantic movies, right?<br><br>Meanwhile, I was catching a lot of flack from friends and family. "James Russell, when will you settle down and get married?" and "You're not going to get married if you don't date" and "How can you have such a vast education in Marriage and Family Counseling, and be single?" My response was that it's because of my education that I'm single. Besides, it sounds like marriage is believed to be a default life for me and people in general. But is it?<br><br>I wrote some Marriage and Family Therapy professors and asked them what the go–to book was on the origin of marriage. And they all recommended Stephanie Coontz's book, <em>Marriage, A History</em>. I ordered it, and read it. And I will cover some of the lessons very soon.<br><br>For now, let me ask you a question. To commit yourself for the rest of your life to someone you've probably known less than three years (typical in today's western culture), leaving family and friends who you've known your entire life, and move into a single unit (a house or apt) where it's just you and your spouse, where you both are separated from all your families... why do we believe this is a good idea?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>As I read Ms. Coontz's book, and researched other materials dealing with the history of marriage across cultures and time, I learned that before 1750 CE, people across cultures married for one reason alone: Economic stability. You can scream, "Politics too!" but even the root of politics is economics. No, it wasn't for child raising. The villages raised the children together. Marriage for child raising came much later.<br><br>Also, during this time period, up until the late 1700s, most people had grown up knowing their spouses. Farm life and small communities were more prevalent than cities. You and your spouse's grandparents had grown up knowing each other. You and your spouse's parents knew each other. The families could vouch for the other family's characters.<br><br>Around 1750 CE, societies began seeing trends where people began marrying for romantic purposes. "I'm in love." People theorize that this was due to:<br><br>1) People moving from the farms to the cities and meeting people of the opposite sex for the first time.<br><br>2) The Enlightenment Period when the popular philosophy was independence in life and thought. The time's began changing. No more marrying to satisfy the opinions of others – especially family and friends. Financial independence was also growing. No longer did people have to work for the family business or live as an apprentice in a master's home for a number of years before marrying. Women could now earn their own dowry rather than create a burden on the cost from the family. Both genders could get a job, move away, marry early, and marry who they wanted. Marriage wasn't for economics or politics anymore, but meeting the emotional needs of the individual. Love, rather than economic stability, became the new motive for marrying. This led to... <br><br>3) Society introducing the writing and selling of romance novels. </p>
<p>(Research notes quoted will come from: <em>Marriage, A History </em>by<em> </em>Stephanie Coontz.) Here's a quote I've underlined during some recent studies: "During the American and French revolutions of 1776 and 1789, many individuals dared draw conclusions that anticipated feminist demands for marital reform and women's rights of the early 20th century. And even before that, skeptics warned that making love and companionship the core of marriage would open a Pandora's box."<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Most marriages I know today are not the result of families having known each other for multiple generations. Instead it's this scenario: Boy meets girl through mutual friends or at a pub. They date. Before three years, they get engaged, and a lot of times this happens during the infatuation stage. Then, they meet each other's families for the first time... Maybe this is a very, very bad idea.<br><br>Dr. John Van Epp, a best-selling marriage and family therapist author said it takes a good two years just to get to know someone. Wow. <br><br>In <em>The Journey of Man</em>, anthropologist Spencer Wells said that after examining DNA, he believes all humanity came from an East African female human (not a monkey) 65,000 years ago. Let's just say Mr. Wells is correct. That humans have been on the earth for 65,000 years. If that's true, then our concept and way of marrying (and I'm speaking to a western audience here) is very, very new. A fad, if you will. <br><br>So let's think on this whole before-1750-people-married-for-economic-stability stuff. Are you financially stable? Do you need help from a spouse to become financially stable? Before 1750 CE, this was the common question people were asking. If you do not need help becoming financially stable, and you do not plan to have kids... I believe people before 1750 CE would say to us, "Don't get married!" <br><br>If you took people (before 1750 CE) aside and told them that after 1920 CE, most people will have known their spouse for less than three years, their parents may have never met each other, and the married couples are living alone in a unit, both separated from the village they grew up in... the people before 1750 CE would scream, "Are you nuts?! That's ridiculous! It'll never work!" We have at least a 50% divorce rate and that just counts the couples who decided to get the divorce. What about those who wanted to but didn't for various reasons we'll never know about?<br><br>What if the reasons people marry is no longer just for economic stability or to raise kids, but to express love and receive love? I think we can all agree that this is what's happening today. So, let's address that, here. <br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>It appears that not understanding that marriage is now about love, is what's wrecking our family structure and therefore our society. People can blame the destruction of family structure on Hollywood, politicians, religious leaders, gay people, and on and on, but they miss the fact that what wrecks marriages and families is selfishness.</p>
<p>If the priority for today's marriages is to exercise love toward another and wake every morning with the mindset, "Today, how may I place my spouses desires and needs above my own?" that's quite a responsibility. It's perhaps one of the greatest responsibilities on the planet. <br><br>Marriage is a reciprocating relationship, of course. There is giving and receiving. But this willingness to be self-sacrificial at all times isn't for everyone. I mean, in my observations and experiences, it looks as though very few people can actually do it. That over half of society's marriages end for a reason. What if it's not realistic for the majority of people? <br><br><br><strong>Part 2</strong><br><br>Now, let's look at 3 common misconceptions about marriage I've noticed in a lot of the studies and the conversations I've had with people, when they believe we should be marrying for love alone:<br><br><br>1. Do Not Be Fooled: Marriage Isn't For You To Find Life Fulfillment</p>
<p>We encounter people all the time who are unsatisfied and unhappy and think it's because they're not married. All their life they've heard, “Get married and be happy.”<br><br>If I'm single and my life is unhappy or unsatisfactory, it's not because I'm not married or because I don't have a dating partner to love on. It's because I'm simply unhappy and unsatisfied. The fault is mine. It's all in my mind.</p>
<p>If we enter marriage because we think being married will fill those holes, we need to stay single because we have the wrong impression as to what marriage is. Marrying in hopes that our spouse will fix our issues isn't fair to him or her. (I am not implying we must be perfect or fully mature before marrying). <br><br>Could you imagine what the world would look like if we married with the mindset, "I want to marry in order to offer a retreat to my spouse! Help them enjoy life, accomplish their goals, make their life richer." And I believe that's really the attitude we should have. And I think if people knew this, fewer of them would be getting married.<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>But this mindset of "marriage = happiness" had to come from somewhere, right? By the end of the 1950s western society (in general) came to believe (and the depression had a lot to do with this) that marriage should be led by a male "breadwinner." <br><br>In Canada, one of the historians (Doug Owram) wrote that "every advertisement, magazine, and marriage manual assumed the family was based on the male wage–earner and the child–rearing, home–managing housewife."<br><br>Meanwhile, in the USA, marriage came to be viewed as the only cultural acceptable route to adulthood and independence. "Men who chose to remain bachelors were branded narcissistic, deviant, infantile, or pathological."<br><br>A family advice counselor in that day named Paul Landes argued that everyone "except for the sick, the badly crippled, the deformed, the emotionally warped and the mentally defective ought to marry." Any other form of lifestyle, "whether it was late marriage, nonmarriage, divorce, single motherhood, or even delayed childbearing – was considered deviant."<br><br>"Everywhere psychiatrists agreed and the mass media affirmed that if a woman did not find her ultimate fulfillment in homemaking, it was sign of serious psychological problems."<br><br>A 1957 survey in the USA reported that 4 out of 5 people believed that anyone who preferred to remain single was "sick," neurotic," or "immoral." <br><br><br>2. Marriage Isn't To Marry The Perfect Person<br><br>I hear comments such as, "I might not like my partner, but when we're married, I'll change him or her."<br><br>Wow. Really? <br><br>I thought we enter marriage so we can express love toward another human being, as they are and not as we want them to be? So why want to change them if they're loved as they are?<br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>Also, our wants and desires change daily. And then we want or expect our partner to live up to our new wants and desires? How self-centered can I be? </p>
<p><br>3. Marriage Isn't To Cure Our Loneliness<br><br>If we marry to love, we do not marry to cure our loneliness, because marriage doesn't cure loneliness. Though all relationships take time to build, the only answer to curing loneliness is our developing community with others and pouring our love and service into their lives. After all, I've never heard someone in the many third-world villages I've worked in say they were lonely.<br><br>There's ecological issues, economical, social, political, and religious issues. We are surrounded by needs and movements, problems and solutions to implement, surrounded by people who love us and would die for us. And then I meet people who don’t believe they're needed in the world and even mope around because they haven’t found someone to marry. <br><br><br>Conclusion</p>
<p>What's wrong with finding people already in our lives, who we already love, and just pour more of our love and attention into them? We will then stop dwelling on our losses or what we don't have, see we're making a difference, and that helps us be happy. </p>
<p>We can google topics we're passionate about and find crossroads where our passion and a world's deep hunger intersect. What's wrong with choosing not to marry, and instead, pursuing passionate vocations and dreams?<br><br>Marriage is a marital commitment; a union that demands the utmost seriousness, dedication, work, attention, and utter selflessness toward our spouse. And that attitude must be reciprocated. I'm not suggesting my readers not marry. But before we marry, we need to be aware of what marriage is, it's history, and how it has evolved.<br><br>So, why am I not married yet? I'm simply not ready... if I ever will be. <br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a></span>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on<span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375732020-04-12T11:40:00-04:002022-05-04T07:59:13-04:00Brad Pitt Writes Sweet Love Letter To His Wife<p><em>Brad Pitt Writes Sweet Love Letter To Angelina Jolie</em> at Couples & Co. See details below.</p>
<p><span style="font-size:13px;">---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/ddf4c2dd9f9f3b4a6ac0dbc88e8871adaae4b1ed/medium/brad-pitt-writes-sweet-love-letter-to-his-wife.png?1438790184" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></span><br>I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon. But then I decided to act on it. </p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>“My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children.</p>
<p>She has lost 30 pounds and weighed about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs.</p>
<p>She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up.</p>
<p>Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role.</p>
<p>I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon…But then I decided to act on it. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth.</p>
<p>She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders.</p><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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<p>I began to pamper her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised her and pleased her every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends.</p>
<p>You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever.<br><br>I had no clue that she CAN love that much. And then I realized one thing: The woman is the reflection of her man. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.“ <br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
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</script><br>This article originally appeared as <em>Brad Pitt Writes Sweet Love Letter To Angelina Jolie</em> at <a contents="Couples &amp; Co" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://couplesandco.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Couples & Co</a>. They did a great job finding this one. Click on their name to follow them on the social networks!<br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em></span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/45404052020-04-10T16:27:33-04:002022-04-05T19:05:37-04:006 Ways How To Love People Who Will Never Change<p><em>How To Stop Hoping And Actually Love People Who Keep Being Themselves</em> by Dashielle Vawter. See below for details.<br><br>---<br><br>The other morning I met up with an old friend from college. The subject of family was up for both of us and she divulged that she felt the need to find peace with who her father is, as he is now. She went on to say that she would need to give up hope that he would change. <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/ba045975243b0d6093f7d35bccf637f8c35a605f/medium/6-ways-how-to-love-people-who-will-never-change.jpg?1483742692" class="size_m justify_center border_" />While it’s true that we need to find a way to be at peace with people (events, things, life, etc) as they are it does not mean we need to give up hope. <br><br><br><strong>1. Hope is for the highest good.</strong><br><br>Hope is not a desire for a specific outcome. There’s no reason to ever give up hoping for the highest good. Hope for another person means holding sacred the infinite positive possibilities that lie before each of us until we leave this life.<br><br>People change in their own time in response to the unfolding wisdom of their own life path. Whether the wisdom of that path is visible or discernible to us or others is a separate question. <br>
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<br>However, wanting someone/something to change in a particular way, according to what would be comfortable or convenient for our lives, is not hope; it’s self-interest. So yes, give up wanting people to be different and calling it hope. Hope that people find peace in themselves and experience wholeness in this lifetime.<br><br>Begin this process by making your own experience of wholeness and peace your primary business. <br><br>To put a finer point on this…if your “hope” is indeed actually a veiled “I know what’s right for you” you are probably getting in the way of their change. <br><br><br><strong>2. Wanting someone to be different than they are creates a barrier to their change.</strong><br><br>Do you remember when you were a teenager and your mom or dad wanted you to do something differently? Dress differently? Speak differently? Have a different attitude? How often did that inspire you to change? How often did that piss you off or make you feel misunderstood/unloved/unaccepted/sad?<br><br>Furthermore, just because you don’t say it out loud doesn’t mean it isn’t heard. You create resistance in others simply by judging them, even if you do it silently. Your judgments are in everyone’s way, and they are your responsibility to question and let go of.<br><br>It’s not only that we get in other people’s way though, hope has also become a code for avoiding personal responsibility. I hear some version of this almost every day. Hoping/wanting/wishing for things to be different has become one of the primary ways we relate to anything uncomfortable… some of this we can actually affect ourselves.<br>
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<br>While idylly hoping things would be different we can feel good about our intentions while distancing ourselves from language that would imply commitment to participation. This brings me to another nuance of how the word “hope” is being used: <br><br><br><strong>3. We often want others to change because it makes it easier for us to stay the same.</strong><br><br>All relationships involve two cocreators, whether they are consciously owning their parts in the cocreation or not. If something isn’t working each of us is free to adjust how we think, speak and act in relation to that person (thing, event, etc). Sometimes we ignore these choices because we’re afraid of changing.<br><br>It would take energy and we think we’re tired (usually a real energetic response to constantly repeating to ourselves that we are tired, or busy, or “can’t”). Sometimes we teach ourselves, or are taught by our parents, to not see certain choices. Like those that will “hurt” other people. <br><br>The fact remains that most of us have far more power to affect our relationships than we’re willing to acknowledge or exercise. <br><br>Do you avoid confrontation? Do you speak your truth? Do you tell people how you feel without blaming them for it? I got a million more of these questions. Next time you’re hoping someone else will change take a minute to think about how you contribute to this relationship yourself.<br><br>Not just what you do when you’re with them, but how you think and feel about them, how you relate to them when they’re not around. When no one else is there to witness, up in the attic of your own mind. What kind of relationship are you contributing to up there? Is it healthy? Sweep your side of the street buddy.<br><br>This will make you feel virtuous and a little less hypocritical next time you want someone else to grow a vagina and do the work to change. <br>
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<br><br><strong>4. Thinking you know what’s best for another person/soul/spirit is arrogant.</strong><br><br>You don’t know. You just don’t. Give it up. What does your "knowing" and repeating it angrily/sadly/passive aggressively/aggressively/naggingly do? Love is more transformative than the subjective “knowledge” you push at people every chance you get.<br><br>Look, you don’t need to know what’s best for anyone in order to love them. You don’t. AND LOVING THEM DOES NOT OBLIGATE YOU TO ANY PARTICULAR ACTION OR TO ENABLING THEIR BEHAVIOR. It doesn’t even obligate you to ever talk to them again. <br><br>Just what is it you think this knowing you have will lead to? Has that ever worked for you? Try this instead: Just hold their flawed human process in your heart with love and surrender… and the same compassion you hopefully hold your own process with. Stop trying to should the world into obedience.<br><br>Any action you choose to take, any word you choose to say, will be more effective coming from a place of love, surrender and respect for the winding path of another person’s process. This is what’s meant by detachment – not that we stop caring, but that we care while recognizing the limits of our knowledge and control. <br><br>As a coach, and as a human, I navigate this constantly. My street gets dirty too, and we’re never done. Here’s what I’ve learned: <br><br><br><strong>5. Peace does involve surrendering to what is.</strong><br>
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<br>But it does not mean giving up your ability to participate in what is created going forward. And it certainly doesn’t mean deciding to believe that the future isn’t a realm of literally infinite possibility (a realm that most certainly always includes miraculous and hopeful possibilities).<br><br>It could be described as a paradox that in order to be in a healthy relationship with anyone or anything we are asked to both surrender to what is and hold space for the possibility of change. But I believe each of us has more than enough space inside to hold this paradox. <br><br><br><strong>6. If you’re too close to hold this paradox maybe it’s time to take some space and let go a little.</strong><br><br>This freaks our inner (and outer) codependent out but if you can’t see the forest for the trees you need some perspective. Love requires courage. It requires self-care. It requires patience. It requires knowing our own limits. It requires lots of things. You knowing and trying to control the outcome is actually not one of the required things.<br><br>Here’s one more insight: If your “hopes” are constantly being disappointed they are not hopes, they’re wants. Or wishful expectations. Find some new words. Longing. Desire. Want. It’s okay to want things, just call it what it is. <br><br>Truly holding hope for a person means acknowledging that we do not know the path of their life… but that we want good things for them. Genuine hope means to want good for someone while allowing it to come in forms we could never know or predict. Genuine hope respects the sanctity and intelligence of spirit moving in all life. <br><br>The spirit of hope means holding all possibility in our hearts for that which is out of our control… but the spirit of hope is honored more fully when we also take faithful, willing action towards the positive possibilities that we can actively contribute to.<br><br>We do need to surrender to what has been… but becoming fatalistic about what will be (the future) doesn’t absolve us of our responsibility as creators to participate in the making of our relationships and the collective future.<br>
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<br>While treating people and the future as though the course is already set may feel like it protects us from the vulnerability of trying – it slowly kills the life force within. Yes. We each have a responsibility to participate. In the ways we can. By tending our hearts. By experiencing grief. By making courageous choices. By trying. By attempting to live close to our hope… by taking faithful, willing action towards the positive possibilities.<br><br>And by surrendering to the losses along the way knowing that they will come and go. New possibilities propagate at every turn. Stay focused. It’s not a straight line. Don’t underestimate the power of living this way.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a></p>
<p>This article first appeared as <a contents="How To Stop Hoping And Actually Love People Who Keep Being Themselves" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://illumin.co/just-ask/stop-hoping-actually-love-people-keep-fing/" target="_blank"><em>How To Stop Hoping And Actually Love People Who Keep Being Themselves</em></a> by <em>Dashielle Vawter </em>at <a contents="Illumin" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://illumin.co/" target="_blank">Illumin</a>. Ms. Vawter did a great job with this article. Click on her name to follow her on the social networks!<br>---<br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on<strong> <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>YouTube</em></a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank"><em>Instagram</em></a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><em>Twitter</em></a> </strong>or subscribe to his<strong> <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"><em>email list</em></a></strong> for updates<strong>.</strong></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375872020-04-10T08:16:16-04:002022-04-05T19:05:41-04:00How To React When Loved Ones Act As Fools<p><em>How To React When Loved Ones Act As Fools</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/a8b8265e99b14a2522b14a470c64b284c3dd5c6b/medium/10-ways-to-break-up-gracefully.jpg?1503864429" class="size_m justify_center border_" /><br>When people we love, who have been taught ethics and right versus wrong, when they venture away and engage in what we feel is irresponsible behavior, I have learned to ask this question:<br><br>What if they are not being rebellious, but simply testing life, seeking to understand if what they have always been taught is actually true? “I want to learn on my own,” they say. Of course we react – we love them! We don’t want to see additional pain in their life.<br><br>But what we may interpret as stubborn, and hard-hearted, might actually be their tests, growth pains, trials, lessons, and sufferings. In my own life I have found that though knowledge through teachers and books have been excellent instructors, where I truly learned about the world was through my personal encounters. Experience.<br><br>Living amidst the world. Experiencing reality (deducting truth from experience) rather than idealism (reinterpreting my experiences to compliment my preconceived notions).<br>
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<br>The roads others have traveled are unlike mine. And mine are unlike theirs. We cannot possibly understand each others journeys because we ourselves did not travel them.<br><br>But we can listen and empathize with our loves ones (empathy is not synonymous with sympathy). And we can reflect in hindsight and recognize that hardships were necessary for us to grow in strength and wisdom.<br><br>Experience has taught me that when I do not judge the hearts of loved ones when they make drastic mistakes, but rather await them at the bottom of Fool’s Hill to catch them if or when they fall, my relationships (and life itself) become richer and more rewarding.<br><br>My loved ones are thankful for my loyalty, which always trumps a shaking finger in their face.<br><br>In the words of Norman Mclean, “And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them. We can love completely without complete understanding.”<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on<em><strong> <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a> </strong></em>or<em><strong> <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </strong></em>or subscribe to his<em><strong> <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> </strong></em>for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30378682020-04-09T19:04:56-04:002022-04-05T19:05:45-04:00How To Find Meaning For Your Life<p><em>How To Find Meaning For Your Life</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/c2961f095f2f337dbde3aa62949205399d8dc88f/medium/how-to-find-meaning-for-your-life.jpg?1504563397" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Dr. Frankl coined the term Logotherapy, which helps patients identify what they long for in the depths of their beings, exposing what gives their life meaning, what encourages them to live and press on.<br><br>This was quite a feat in his day among common psychiatry which focused on helping people control or gratify various desires.<br><br>After the war, Dr. Frankl spent his life helping ease the suffering in others. I plan to write a book review, but as of now, I came across a stand-alone passage in his book I wanted to share with you. I hope it brings you encouragement.<br><br>From <a contents="Man’s Search for Meaning" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2eEMCmd" target="_blank"><em>Man’s Search for Meaning</em></a>, by psychiatrist and holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl: "Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else.<br><br>Now, how could I help him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, ‘What would have happened if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive without you?’<br><br>‘Oh,’ he said, ‘this would have been terrible for her. Oh how she would have suffered!’<br><br>Whereupon I replied, ‘You see, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering. You are mourning her now, rather than her mourning you. As you have said, you have done her a beautiful deed.’<br><br>He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left. In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.<br><br>Of course, this was no therapy in the proper sense, because his despair was no disease. Also, I could not change his fate. I could not revive his wife. But in that moment I did succeed in changing his attitude toward his unalterable fate inasmuch as from that time on he could at least see a meaning in his suffering.<br>
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<br>One of the basic tenets of logotherapy is that man’s concern is not to gain pleasure or to avoid pain, but to find a meaning in his life. That is why man is often ready to suffer, on the condition that his suffering has meaning.<br><br>But let me make it perfectly clear that in no way is suffering necessary to find meaning. I only insist that meaning is possible even in spite of suffering – provided, certainly, that the suffering is unavoidable.<br><br>If it were avoidable, the meaningful thing to do would be to remove its cause, be it psychological, biological, or political. To suffer unnecessarily is masochistic rather than heroic.<br><br>I once asked a group of patients, whether an ape which has been used to develop a polio serum, having been punctured again and again, would ever be able to grasp the reason and meaning of his suffering.<br><br>The group replied that given the ape’s limited intelligence, it could not enter the world of man where only we would understand the meaning of its suffering.<br><br>I then asked them, ‘And what about man? Are you sure that the human world is a terminal point in the evolution of the cosmos? Is it not conceivable that there is still another dimension, a world beyond man’s world; a world in which the question of an ultimate meaning of human suffering would find an answer?’"<br><br>In his conclusion, Dr. Frankl states a theme resident throughout the book: when we are stripped of our dignity, comforts, and material possessions, what keeps us pressing on is loved ones awaiting us, the possibility of loved ones in the future, and a sense of purpose (setting goals and striving to meet them). <br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://Amzn.to/2uUHoek" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/06ec6f71b50078a97ca1f528a7e2e9a2ee200d53/original/trilogy-jpeg-low-res.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsImxhcmdlIl1d.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Check out these three coming-of-age love stories from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. Follow Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <strong><em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a> </em></strong>or<strong><em> <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> </strong>or subscribe to his <em><strong><a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> </strong></em>for updates.</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Leaderboard 2 --><script>
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</script>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375912018-03-22T12:50:00-04:002022-05-02T18:28:25-04:00Don’t Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever<p>James Russell Lingerfelt’s note: We’ve received a lot of private messages from broken people. Hurting. This blog entry is dedicated to them.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/24c0c4ada6dbe4ec94c0dd3ce83e79b19710901c/medium/dont-aplogogize-for-loving-someone-not-ever.jpg?1475100485" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>We can love, love, love but sometimes that love isn’t returned. That’s not our fault. To love or not to love is a choice. We chose to love. They chose not to. This does not mean we are unloveable or unworthy of love. We’re not idiots, fools, or weak for loving.<br><br>Rather, we have courage. Because we chose to be vulnerable and self-sacrificing; a requirement for love. And when it was over, though the echoes of the painful experiences reverberate in the depths of our being, we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and we keep pressing onward.</p>
<p>I’ve made it a rule in my personal life to never apologize for loving people, even if that love is never returned. To be unloving is the other person’s problem, not mine.<br>
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<br>As my grandmother use to tell me, “At the end of your life, the only things you’ll regret are 1) Not taking more risks and 2) Not being more loving toward others.” She died at 94 years and those were some of her final thoughts. Powerful.</p>
<p>The following letter is from an eighty year old grandfather to his son, Clayton “Finn” Fincannon. After a relationship ends between he and his first love “Eden” during his senior year of college in California, Finn visits home in Tennessee. <br><br>At night, beside a fire, Finn recounts the story to his grandfather. The next morning, Finn prepares to return to California to finish his last semester of college. The letter awaits him by the door. Whatever feelings arise when you hear the word, “God,” understand the cultural upbringing of the characters.</p>
<p>This comes from the novel, <em><a contents="The Mason Jar" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2kn52Xb" target="_blank">The Mason Jar</a>.</em></p>
<p>—</p>
<p>Dear Finn,</p>
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<p>I know right now, all that is visible is seen through the lenses of loss and pain. So, I’m not sure the words I say to you will resonate. But know that feelings just are. Experience them. Don’t deny them or push them away.<br><br>If you do, it will come out through other avenues like short-tempers and sharp answers to friends and loved ones who don’t deserve to be mistreated.</p>
<p>We do not deny our experiences, good or bad. We must embrace them. They are a part of who we are. The point is to keep from dwelling on the past or holding on to the bad times. This way, we don’t lead ourselves into resentment, cynicism and bitterness.<br><br>If we want to get angry and scream at God because we think it’s His fault, that’s okay. He can handle our anger. God might not appear to care, but He does. He promises us that. We can give up on Him and walk away, but how much better off will we be?</p>
<p>You might believe that you must stop loving Eden, but that’s not true. We can love even when we know that love will never be returned. We are allowed to love someone even if that person is gone. What we miss is their presence, but that doesn’t mean we must stop loving them.</p>
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<p>As Maclean wrote, it is those who we love the most who so often elude us. But we can still love them. We can love them completely, without complete understanding.</p>
<p>Loving is not the same as holding on because “holding on” implies that we hope the loved one will come to their senses and return. Love is an action based on free choice despite the consequences.<br><br>Love only becomes painful when it demands something in return. And though it may take time, you will find joy in loving those who might not even be aware of your love.</p>
<p>Understand, son, that we can only help those who have hit rock bottom when we ourselves have seen existence through that same lens. Therefore, you can use the pain you’ve experienced to ease the pain in others.<br><br>This does not mean God purposefully inflicts pain or is the author of loss, nor does it mean that every time we experience loss or pain that God is behind the cause. But it does mean that God can take the bad things and turn them into beautiful things. But that takes time. It cannot happen overnight.</p>
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<p>I’m sorry that I have rambled on and on, but I sometimes must write out my thoughts before I share them with you. In my old age, it helps me articulate what I want to say.<br><br>Know Clayton, I love you. Your parents love you, your brother loves you, and above all, God loves you. Dwell on these things. Hang in there and stay encouraged. As the old saying goes, “This too will pass.”</p>
<p>-Grandpa</p>
<p><strong>Read another popular post: <a contents="Beautiful Advice From A Divorced Man, After 16 Years Of Marriage" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage" target="_blank"><em>Beautiful Advice From A Divorced Man, After 16 Years Of Marriage</em></a></strong><br><br>---<br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2kn52Xb" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2kXzrP1" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?0" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>Did you like this article? Buy </span><a data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2kn52Xb" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships. <br><br><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2kXzrP1" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships.</span><br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">,<a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375722018-02-12T09:10:00-05:002022-04-05T19:06:14-04:007 Romantic Films Men Love<p>Want to watch a movie with your man on Valentine’s Day?</p>
<p>“But men don’t like romance movies,” say many women. Think again.</p>
<p>They just have to be the right kind.</p>
<p>Common threads of a romantic movie a man will watch: The screenplay is written by men, the film is told from the man’s perspective, the male lead behaves like a man would in real life and the ending of the film is redemptive. The male lead learns a valuable lesson from the experience. We men relate to these characters and stories.</p>
<p>Here are 7.<br><strong>.<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/4cacdb4ebbb0d155307b8e1005a2a6268633abfe/medium/7-romantic-films-men-love-casablanca.jpg?1438893434" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></strong></p>
<p><strong>CASABLANCA</strong><br><br><strong>Plot:</strong> Rick (Humphrey Bogart), an owner of a trendy, upscale bar during World War II, turns cynical after being burned by his first love, Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman). While sneaking heroes and patriots out of occupied territories, his love for Ilsa takes a new form.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it:</strong> Choosing your comrades, your country and the survival of the entire world instead of the girl who left you… that’s a man’s man. A hero.</p>
<p><strong>Man Moment #1:</strong> When Ilsa pulls out that pistol.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man’s moment:</strong> A woman holds a gun and knows how to use it. We men tend to think that’s hot. Especially when she’s screaming truth and putting him in his rightful place. He’s being dominated in the right kind of way. He’s not use to that. He likes it.</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Leaderboard 1 --><script>
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<p><strong>Man Moment #2:</strong> Rick sees the gun and says, “Go ahead and shoot. You’ll be doing me a favor.”</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man’s moment:</strong> Because if our first love did to us what Ilsa did to Rick, we’d say the same thing. “Shoot me.”</p>
<p>.</p>
<p><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/0d94632c6aae2d2f05839425fe69791ecdd644d4/medium/7-romantic-films-men-love-500-days-of-summer.jpg?1438893438" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></strong></p>
<p><strong>500 DAYS OF SUMMER<br><br>Plot:</strong> Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a young professional fresh out of college, falls in love with Summer (Zooey Deschanel), a girl who uses and leaves him.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it:</strong> We were actually boys at one time in our lives and we learned Tom’s lessons the hard way. The movie is a coming of age story for us.</p>
<p><strong>Man Moment #1:</strong> At the park bench when Summer tells Tom she never felt for him the same way she now feels for her husband.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> She twists the blade, reminding him of the harsh reality. “We’ve been there too, Tom,” we say, like consoling a kid brother. “It’s okay. Now, sober up.”</p>
<p><strong>Man Moment #2:</strong> Tom’s architecture meeting where he meets Autumn.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> What man doesn’t fantasize about a moment when he finally <em>did</em> or <em>will</em> put the past behind him, and later, meets a woman just as attractive, but only smarter, friendlier, and a better fit?</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Leaderboard 2 --><script>
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<p>It’s like that scene in <em>Gladiator</em> when Maximus leads the victory in the exhibition fight, removes the mask and tells Commodus, “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.” Then he enters the dungeons while the other gladiators stand and chant his name. Hans Zimmer brings it home with that music.</p>
<p>.<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/396aa46e045b2a3d2d66fb9f24704d8a71f96e55/medium/7-romantic-films-men-love-the-notebook.jpg?1438893367" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p>
<p><strong>THE NOTEBOOK</strong> (Warning. No man will tell his friends he likes this film.) <br><br><strong>Plot:</strong> Noah (Ryan Gosling) will stop at nothing, NOTHING to be reunited with the only woman he ever loved, Allie (Rachel McAdams). He’ll even build her a two story southern mansion worthy of a place in <em>Southern Living</em>.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it #1:</strong> Noah doesn’t pout his life away. He builds something for Allie and people from all over the world want to purchase it. They even offer more than his asking price. He responds by getting drunk, thinks of burning down the house, and then chases yuppies off his yard with a loaded shotgun. Only a woman can do that to a man and every man has been that angry at least once in his life.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it #2:</strong> Everyone needs a home. And every man, left or right brained, can build a home if he learns how to use the tools and read the blueprints. That’s a universal act of love.</p>
<p><strong>Man Moment:</strong> The letter Noah writes Allie telling her he’s not bitter anymore. Not only is it Nicholas Sparks’ writing at its finest, but if it’s your man’s first time to watch the film, you might want to have a ready tissue for him.</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Leaderboard 3 --><script>
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<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> When a man decides to put his first love behind him, it’s the most sobering, real moment of his life. (Except the first time he wakes with a hangover.)</p>
<p>.<br><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/26499d0e916369ef946d73c7cf78e92d550e2edf/medium/7-romantic-films-men-love-about-time.png?1438893438" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></strong></p>
<p><strong>ABOUT TIME</strong><br><br><strong>Plot:</strong> Tim (Domhnall Gleeson), a young professional, travels through time to find a girlfriend.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it:</strong> What man doesn’t love time travel movies? If he believes he’ll be single the rest of his life, he’s fantasizing about traveling back into time to repair that one relationship where the girl got away.</p>
<p><strong>Man moment #1:</strong> After Tim meets his first love, Mary (Rachel McAdams), he travels through time to relive his first sexual encounter with her over and over and over and over.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> Must I explain this?</p>
<p><strong>Man moment #2:</strong> Tim and his dad have a warm father and son moment.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> Because the father figure in a man’s life, whether biological or not, is the most important relationship he will ever have.</p>
<p>.<br><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/4ec486149c55d0706654690c14190a6ca9ccb565/medium/7-romantic-films-men-love-love-actually.jpg?1438893431" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></strong></p>
<p><strong>LOVE ACTUALLY</strong><br><br><strong>Anti Plot:</strong> Simultaneous stories where each character is at least two degrees of separation from the others.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it:</strong> Every story is real, entertaining and the characters we meet remind us of someone we know and love.</p>
<p><strong>Man moment #1:</strong> A divorced and lonely man, Jamie (Colin Firth), learns Portuguese so he can propose to his Latino temp maid.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> He’s dumped by this wife. Then pursued by a gorgeous girl who’s a much better fit for him. Latino women are hot and have a reputation for treating their men well.</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Leaderboard 4 --><script>
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<p><strong>Man moment #2:</strong> The British guy, Colin (Kris Marshall), believes he’ll get laid if he just goes to America, sits at a bar and speaks with his British accent.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> He has no clue what he’s doing. Neither do we. But it turns out well for him. So we can’t help but congratulate him with, “ ‘at a boy ol’ chap, ” in our best British accent.</p>
<p>.<br><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/8614cbf240a1674bfabcac9c22cdc311256c2de2/medium/7-romantic-films-men-love-notting-hill.jpg?1438893427" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></strong></p>
<p><strong>NOTTING HILL</strong><br><br><strong>Plot:</strong> William (Hugh Grant), a nice guy who owns a book shop, falls in love with Anna (Julia Roberts), a movie star. Anna struggles to return that love consistently.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it:</strong> We’ve all crushed on a movie star. If given the opportunity what man wouldn’t take a date with Emma Watson? (Emma, if you’re reading, of course your agent has permission to call me.)</p>
<p><strong>Man Moment #1:</strong> When William’s roommate, Spike, continues eating the mayonnaise in the jar, even after he’s been told it’s not actually yogurt.</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> We all have a friend like that. I knew a guy who ate Vienna Sausages on peanut buttered bread. No joke.</p>
<p><strong>Man Moment #2:</strong> William tells Anna “No” after she reveals her love for him because she’s broken his heart for the nth time. Spike later calls William a dirty word for turning Anna down.</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Letterboard 5 --><script>
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<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> Sometimes we need a friend to slap us across the head.</p>
<p>.<br><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/cf60a0377a419192081a04d65c5a0525249e813c/medium/7-romantic-films-men-love-four-weddings-and-a-funeral.jpg?1438893431" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></strong></p>
<p><strong>FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL</strong><br><br><strong>Plot:</strong> After Charles (Hugh Grant) meets Carrie (Andie MacDowell) at a wedding, he waits years to be reunited with her.</p>
<p><strong>Why men like it:</strong> Most of us have waited for a certain woman to come to her senses and we know it doesn’t always work out.</p>
<p><strong>Man Moment #1:</strong> Charles introduces himself and an elderly gentleman replies, “Don’t be ridiculous. Charles died twenty years ago!” When Charles suggests he’s a different man, the gentleman retorts, “Are you telling me I don’t know my own brother?!”</p>
<p><strong>Why that’s a man moment:</strong> One of the funniest scenes in rom com history. (PS – <em>About Time, Love Actually, Notting Hill</em> and <em>Four Weddings & A Funeral</em> were all written by Richard Curtis.)<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></strong></a><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2lJ6i7g" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2l12rCx" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?1458997662" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>Did you like this article? Make sure to check out </span><a data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2lJ6i7g" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.<br><br><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2l12rCx" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, is now available. This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships. </span><br><br><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Mason Jar</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Notebook</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2004) and </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Pride & Prejudice</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2005). Follow him on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <em style="margin: 0px;"><a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>,</em> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://plus.google.com/+jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/52340842017-12-04T23:15:00-05:002022-04-05T19:06:26-04:00Interview With Breakup Coach Lee<p><em>Interview With Breakup Coach Lee</em> by Staff.<br><br>- - -<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/809802bcaca8a5e9310cbde9bcb4681d8be6f8b7/original/interview-with-breakup-coach-lee.jpg/!!/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Coach Lee, as he’s known, is somewhat of a real-life “Hitch.” In case you haven’t seen the movie, <em>Hitch</em>, it stars Will Smith who plays a dating coach who helps men attract women. Lee, however, is a bit different than Hitch in that Lee specializes in “Breakup Recovery.” That means that when you’ve been dumped, Coach Lee helps you get your ex back.<br><br>In fact, that’s the name of his website – <a contents="MyExBackCoach.com" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://myexbackcoach.com/" target="_blank">MyExBackCoach.com</a> and Lee works with men and women who have been dumped and are wanting their ex back. I had a chance to sit down with Coach Lee and ask him about his profession. We talked a good while, and I paraphrased a lot of his responses. I hope you enjoy it!<br><br><br><strong>What is the most difficult part of your job?</strong></p>
<p>The most difficult part of my job as a dating coach, or breakup coach as a lot of people call me, is calming the person down who has been broken up with.<br><br>When people panic, they almost always do the wrong thing. They freak out. They beg. They text, call, or show up at their ex’s place at stalker-like levels. Those things are unattractive to say the least and so they make themselves fall even lower in the eyes of their ex and push their ex even further away. If they schedule a coaching call with me before they do that, I can guide them away from that and we can work together to get their ex back.<br><br>If they’ve already freaked out, getting their ex back can take longer and is more difficult to do.<br><br><br><strong>How did you get into being a dating coach?</strong><br><br>I was mentored by Dr. Joe Beam, a sexologist and Ph.D. in the area of biomedical science with an emphasis in human attraction. He primarily works with troubled marriages and I learned a tremendous amount from him.<br><br>Many of the same principals apply, but there is different strategy to getting an ex back when you are dating them and there’s no marriage or children. I started working with him in the year 2000. I owned a dating website and the members of that site started contacting me when they would have relationship issues with their boyfriend or girlfriend and over time, I began to realize that relationship consulting was becoming more of a profession for me than anything else.<br><br>Over the years of working with Dr. Beam, single people would come to me asking for help after they were dumped. I applied much of what I learned from Dr. Beam, integrated with the unique details and differences of dating life and it worked extremely well. For several years I was only word-of-mouth as far as being a dating coach until in 2017 when I decided to offer it publicly with <a contents="MyExBackCoach.com" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://myexbackcoach.com/" target="_blank">MyExBackCoach.com</a>.<br><br><br><strong>How can people avoid a breakup? That is, how can they make their relationship breakup proof?</strong><br><br>The best way to make a relationship breakup proof is to understand that relationships are give and take, like a game of tennis. If you reach out to your girlfriend or boyfriend in the form of a text, make sure that you are waiting for them to respond and to participate in the conversation as much as you.<br><br>Though that is only one example, the point is that once there begins to be an imbalance in terms of interest being shown, communication outreach, and chasing or pursuing in the relationship, it’s almost destined to fail. The one chasing will be viewed as less attractive and in time the relationship will fade in intensity as far as what the person feels who is being chased.<br><br>This will often cause the chaser to chase even more, resulting in the chased person pulling back and, usually, ending the relationship. Good relationships require patience and not going faster than the other person desires at a given time. Though that’s a very basic way of explaining it, that’s my big-picture answer.<br><br><br><strong>Do you notice that more of one gender books coaching from you than the other?</strong><br><br>It’s nearly down the middle but the slight majority are women. 54% of my coaching clients are women and 46% men. Women tend to be more protectionist in terms of not wanting to make a mistake to lose their ex and men seem to be more about getting them back and doing things to make that happen. That’s a little bit of a broad stroke but those are the differences that I can’t help but notice.<br><br>Both men and women are simply wanting to rescue their relationship and my heart goes out to them. I receive a lot of fulfillment in being able to help and seeing results.<br><br><br><strong>What are some primary issues that you see your clients going through? </strong><br><br>A common issue is when their ex has entered into a rebound relationship.<br><br>It’s a traumatic experience for them and they often fear that this is the absolute end of the relationship and they feel betrayed. I work to calm them down, try to help them see that rebound relationships rarely work and that by using the <a contents="No Contact Rule" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://myexbackcoach.com/no-contact-rule/" target="_blank">No Contact Rule</a>, they can usually raise their attraction level in the eyes of their ex and as the rebound person feels them pull away, he/she does the absolute wrong things and can often deliver them back on a silver platter so to speak.<br><br>It’s obviously more detailed and nuanced than that, but I’m giving a generalization. What is one final thing you want to tell people visiting this site who have been broken up with and are hurting? I want them to know that the intense emotions of loss, betrayal, and shock that they are feeling is normal. It’s also helpful to know that one of the reasons you feel such panic is because the other person has pulled away from you and that raises their attractiveness in your eyes.<br><br>I’ve even spoken with people who were thinking about breaking up with their girlfriend or boyfriend but then the other person broke up with them and now they are on <a contents="a coaching call" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://myexbackcoach.com/private-coaching-get-back-ex/" target="_blank">a coaching call</a> with me to get them back. The reason is because when another person pulls away from you, that person seems untouchable, which makes them have more value in your eyes.<br><br>I often use the example of a celebrity like Justin Timberlake. He is not someone that women can just call up, ask out, text, or go on a date with. So whereas he is a handsome and charismatic guy anyway, he’s also untouchable because of his celebrity. That makes him over-the-top attractive to most women and they would make fools of themselves in order to be near him.<br><br>When someone breaks up with you, that dynamic happens to some degree, which contributes to us feeling such a since of loss and a desire to get back with them. Of course, when you love them, this becomes even stronger and the panic, sorrow, and anxiety becomes even stronger.<br><br>The reason I’m mentioning this is because I want people to know that the breakup itself makes you see this other person as more attractive than you did before and it makes you romanticize the past which means that sometimes people chase after relationships that they weren’t even happy in simply because of the fear of loss.<br><br>I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to get back with the person who broke up with you. In fact, it’s my job to help you get them back if that is what you want. But I am wanting you to know that some of this is a mental and emotional process that is predictable in large part.<br><br>That’s important because getting your own emotions under control is important to getting them back. I’m happy to help if you wish and hope that my information has been helpful. I’m here if you need me... Coach Lee<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a><br><br>- - -<br><br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://amzn.to/2IGjdVP" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/original/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg/!!/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsInNtYWxsIl1d.jpg" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://amzn.to/2IGgdIV" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/original/800-res.png/!!/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsInNtYWxsIl1d.jpg" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a></p>
<p>Did you like this article? Buy <a contents="The Mason Jar" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://amzn.to/2IGjdVP" target="_blank"><em>The Mason Jar</em></a>, a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships. </p>
<p><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://amzn.to/2IGgdIV" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships. </p>
<p>Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/c/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Google+" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://plus.google.com/+jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a contents="LinkedIn" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">LinkedIn</a>, or subscribe to his<a contents=" email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank"> email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31598342017-07-27T08:55:00-04:002022-04-05T19:06:36-04:00"If I Stay" Movie Review: A Film With a Great Message<p><em>"If I Stay" Movie Review: A Film With A Great Message </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt. This article appeared in The Huffington Post.</p>
<p>- - -<br><br><em><strong>Warning! Spoilers!</strong></em><br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/3314d07a4fde370cf76c60ba99c673be8c3fe252/medium/new-if-i-stay-movie-poster.jpg?1409198883" class="size_m justify_right border_none" alt="" /><br><em>If I Stay </em>is an epic that asks us to focus on the loves we have in our lives and the importance of pursuing our dreams and passions. <br><br>Mia (Chloe Grace Moretz), a levelheaded high school senior, lives in Portland with her former rock-star, guitar and drums pounding parents, who now live as a schoolteacher and stay-at-home-mom. Even Mia’s little brother sits at the kitchen table and drums the tabletop with spoons. They are a family of musicians.<br><br>But Mia doesn’t fit the family mold. She’s embraced the cello, listens to Beethoven instead of Alice in Chains, has auditioned for school at Julliard in New York, and is now awaiting the school’s response. Aside from her college and career choices, she struggles in spending time with her boyfriend Adam (Jamie Blackley), since he’s touring as a lead guitarist/vocalist for his rising rock band. <br><br>Mia and her family get along well because of a common theme lived and taught by her parents: self-sacrifice. “Our lives are lived not just for ourselves but also for others,” her dad says. “We sacrifice for those we love.” Mia’s kid brother remarks, “Life isn’t fair.” And her mom adds, “Life is this big, gigantic, stinky mess, and that’s the beauty of it, too. No matter what you choose, you lose something.”<br><br>During a snowy day in Oregon, as Mia and her family drive down the winding icy roads, a fatal car accident leaves Mia as the only survivor. While in a coma, she explores life via an out-of-body experience, listening to the conversations of her loved ones in the ICU waiting room. <br>
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<br>To convey it’s Mia’s choice whether she lives or dies, Mia avoids a light portal inviting her to eternity. Also, a nurse whispers into Mia’s ear, “You control this whole thing. If you live, if you die, it’s all up to you. Whatever fight you got in you, you gottapull it out now.” <br><br>Mia’s grandparents, her best friend Kim, and Adam, all fight to visit Mia in ICU, but few are given access. If Mia chooses to live, she still has loving relationships in her life and a wonderful goal to pursue: studying and performing as a cellist at Julliard.<br><br>But she will live this life without the people she loves most: her parents and brother. <br><br>For those of us who have lost someone very dear to us, we know what that journey’s like. Here, a seventeen-year-old girl has lost both her parents and her only sibling (whom she helped raise). <br><br>And here we are approached with the universal question we all will face at some point in our lives: <em><strong>Given these horrific changes in my life I didn’t foresee, nor realize the level of pain I would be made to bear, would it be better for me to pass on to the next life or press on in this one?</strong></em><br>
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<br>This provides an excellent subject for families and friends to discuss after viewing the film. What makes your life worth living? It’s loving relationships and the pursuit of goals and dreams…. good, but how does that look for each of us? (Victor Frankl explores these issues in his book <a contents="Man’s Search for Meaning" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://amzn.to/VOGHeZ" target="_blank"><em>Man’s Search for Meaning</em></a> – a great read.)<br><br>In the last act, Adam is allowed to visit her and he pulls out a letter from Julliard, which he stole from her home, and he pledges his love to her. When Mia immediately awakens after Adam’s words, we might assume young love made her want to live. “Her life was saved by her cute guitar playing heartthrob” and then we roll our eyes.<br><br>But that’s not the message of the film. <br><br>Mia’s choosing to live is due to her revisiting the best memories from her life, encountering the relationships still alive and afire, and being reminded that a future awaits her at Julliard. Mia, in the end, decides life is still worth living. And she’s right.<br><br>Just before Adam’s letter, Mia revisits the “happiest day of her life.” A year prior, on an autumn day, her parents threw a BBQ and everyone invited their friends. After food, games, and photos, they spent the rest of the night playing music around a fire. <br>
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<br>Everyone opened their guitars, so Mia dipped out… until her dad brought Mia the cello and asked her to play. Mia hesitated but joined in with her cello, the music blended well, and created a harmony none of the musicians expected. Mia nor anyone else stole the show.<br><br>They all contributed, creating music… together.<br><br><em><strong>You are loved, you are beautiful as you are, you have something to contribute to the world though it doesn’t look like everyone else…. play your music, however that manifests itself… contribute your talents and passions to the community… don’t give up or duck out. You are wanted. You are needed. You are alive! Live! </strong></em><br><br>Mia chose to allow her mind to dwell on the beauties in life rather than solely on her losses. That’s a powerful message people need to hear, especially in light of the recent tragedies of our beloved actors and actresses who have taken their own lives. <br><br><em>If I Stay</em>’s target audience is adolescent girls. But the message in the story is for us all. Invite someone to watch the film with you who need to hear its message. </p>
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<p>Read another popular post: <strong><em><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br><br>- - -<br><br><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2tMH7bs" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uB5s32" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?1458997662" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Buy <a href="http://jamesrussell.org/themasonjar.cfm" target="_blank"><em>The Mason Jar</em>,</a> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.<br><br><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uB5s32" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar,</em> is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships.<br><br>Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <em><a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em> <em><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" target="_blank">Google+</a>,</em> <em><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em>or subscribe to his <a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375532017-07-27T08:40:00-04:002022-04-09T16:59:44-04:00The Fault in Our Stars: Why We Should Watch It Twice<p><em>The Fault in Our Stars: Why We Should Watch It Twice</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt. This article appeared in <em>The Huffington Post.<br><br>- - -</em></p>
<p><strong><em>Warning! Spoilers!</em></strong></p>
<p>What happens when you bring a talented, experienced cast and crew together with a well-written, multi-layered story, and everyone believes in the film’s <span style="font-size: 12px;">message? A <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/8d91a27942ef4ae14989fe493e62e98e1c8ed4d8/medium/tfios.jpg?1403714985" class="size_m justify_right border_none" alt="" />movie, if we watch twice, helps us discover numerous lessons we may have missed the first time.</span></p>
<p>The story follows Hazel (Shailene Woodley), a sixteen-year-old girl battling lung cancer, who drags an oxygen tank on a steel cart, with tubes extending to her nose and wrapping around her ears.</p>
<p>Cynical, Hazel has given up hope and has isolated herself from her peers. Hazel’s favorite saying is, “I’m like a grenade,” because she’s afraid she’ll obliterate the lives of everyone who cares about her.</p>
<p>When Hazel meets Gus (Ansel Elgort) at a cancer support group, he rocks her world. Handsome, athletic, intelligent, witty, he has defeated cancer, but lost his leg in the process.</p>
<p>Despite all that’s happened, Gus chooses to dwell on the beauties of life. He’s a loyal friend to his blind pal, Isaac (Nat Wolff), and a source of encouragement to the suffering of others.</p>
<p>Gus’ favorite sayings: “We were made for the world, the world was not made for us” and “The world is not a wish granting factory” and “I believe we live in a universe that demands to be noticed.”</p>
<p>Gus and Hazel set out on adventures, and though she’s developed feelings for him, she keeps her distance. “I’m a grenade,” she says. Along the way, he opens a world of possibilities to her, where she doesn’t have to dwell on cynicism and bitterness, but rather embrace an uncertain future and dwell on its beauties.</p>
<p>Gus reads Hazel’s favorite book, <em>An Imperial Affliction</em> by Peter Van Houten. The book is a fictitious journal by a cynical cancer patient named Anna. But Anna’s words resonate with Hazel, helping ease the sting of loneliness in Hazel’s life.</p>
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<p><em>An</em> <em>Imperial Affliction</em> ends abruptly, not allowing readers to find closure. So, Hazel dreams of meeting Van Houten to hear what he believes happened to the characters.</p>
<p>When Gus learns Hazel has already used her “Wish” from a worldwide cancer organization, Gus writes Van Houten in Amsterdam and is granted a personal visit with Van Houten in his home. Gus uses his Wish to whisk him, Hazel, and a chaperone (Hazel’s mom) to Amsterdam.</p>
<p>In Amsterdam, Mom (Laura Dern) allows Hazel and Gus to have a quiet dinner alone at a five star restaurant where Van Houten has already paid for their hotel and dinner.</p>
<p>There, Gus and Hazel are honored by their Dutch hosts, dine together with adults dressed in formal wear, and the two teens savor the gourmet food, deserts, and champagne. Gus and Hazel are allowed a glimpse into their future if they could live to be adults. The evening is magical. The Amsterdam sequences were my favorite parts of the film, thanks to director Josh Boone.</p>
<p>When Gus suggests with a grin that they’re on a date, Hazel warns him with a wry smile not to push it. They talk about the possibility of the “Something” after this life. Hazel isn’t sure about an afterlife, but Gus asks, “If there’s nothing else, then what’s the point?” Hazel reflects and answers, “Maybe this is it.”</p>
<p>“I won’t accept that – that it’s all for nothing,” Gus replies. He then pledges his love to her and doesn’t care about the outcome of his words. He says what he means and means what he says. In his mind, his life is too short for him to be anything other than himself. And he’s right.</p>
<p>And here we see a theme fully emerge.<strong> “How will I respond to a universe that demands to be noticed?” Because our answer is the rudder which steers our lives.</strong></p>
<p>The next day, Gus asks Hazel, “You ready to get some answers?!” Ecstatic, Hazel shouts yes and joins Gus to Van Houten’s home. There, they come face to face with a bitter, depressed, cynical, recluse, who’s pushed everyone away. Van Houten (Willem Dafoe) is miserable.</p>
<p>Even his gracious, patient, assistant can barely stomach to sit in the same room with him.</p>
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<p>Through his shouts at her, we learn he never invited Gus and Hazel to Amsterdam or covered their hotel and dinner. That was his assistant’s shenanigans because she believed Van Houten needed to see the difference his book was making.</p>
<p>Van Houten, sipping on whiskey, shreds Gus and Hazel apart through messages filled with cruelty and venom. And though Gus and Hazel later admit his words were true, they loathe him for the delivery. We learn later that Van Houten’s book is based on his daughter, Anna, who died of cancer.</p>
<p>After Van Houten refuses to answer Hazel’s questions, saying the characters cease to exist when the book ends, Hazel slaps his whiskey out of his hand, and storms out. Van Houten trails the two and attempts to stump them with a final question. “Have you ever stopped to consider why you care so much about your silly questions?”</p>
<p>John Green wrote this question in the novel and the screenwriters, Michael Weber and Scott Neustadter, included it in the film. So it’s a very, very important question, which contributes to the theme of the story. You seek and seek and seek the answers to your questions.</p>
<p>But why? What if the answers to your questions aren’t some abstract responses from an all-knowing philosopher who you may or may not have an opportunity to meet one day? Hazel had believed Van Houten to be a sage. But she discovers Van Houten is just a guy who wrote a book.</p>
<p>Van Houten’s assistant chases after Gus and Hazel and apologizes. She leads them to Anne Frank’s house for a tour, which in the book, has been a highly anticipated event.</p>
<p>In Anne Franks house, now turned into a museum, the elevator is broken, thus Hazel must enter the “no attainment without struggle” trial, a rule in writing any epic. Her struggle will lead her to the revelation she seeks.</p>
<p>Hazel refuses help with her cart, climbing the staircase on her own. When she reaches the second floor, to the secret entrance behind the bookcase, a second set of stairs to an upper room awaits them. Gus offers to help, and so does the assistant, but Hazel refuses. This is her journey – her struggle.</p>
<p>When they reach the upper room, Hazel is now out of breath and dizzy. We believe Hazel’s finished. But now a ladder will lead them to the attic where the Frank family lived. Behind Hazel, a quote from Anne Frank paints the wall: <strong><em>I long to ride a bike, dance, whistle, look at the world, feel young, and know that I’m free.</em></strong></p>
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<p>Hazel accepts the challenge to carry on. As she arrives halfway up the ladder, her vision blurs, her head spins and she almost faints. A chilling, haunting, cracking, 1940s recording of Anne Frank’s words begins echoing over the speakers.</p>
<p>Anne Frank: “We’re much too young to deal with these problems but they keep thrusting themselves on us until, finally, we’re forced to think of solutions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too will end. God wishes to see people happy.”</p>
<p>Hazel pulls herself up another step.</p>
<p>Anne Frank: “Where there’s hope, there is life.”</p>
<p>Hazel arrives triumphantly to the top, and Gus helps her sit against the attic wall to catch her breath.</p>
<p>Anne Frank: “At such moments, I can’t think about the misery, but about the beauty that still remains. Try to recapture the happiness within yourself.”</p>
<p>When Hazel can stand on her own, Gus escorts her around the room, viewing all the black and white photographs of the Frank family hanging from the walls. When the camera rests on the photo of Anne Frank, we hear her say, <strong><em>“Think on all the beauty all around you and be happy.”</em></strong></p>
<p>Hazel had seen in Van Houten what could become of her if she continues wallowing in cynicism, social isolation, and self-pity (a form of pride). And she now has her experiences with Gus and the words and example of Anne Frank as a sharp contrast.</p>
<p>The answer, Hazel realizes, is not found in books or from some recluse writer in Amsterdam. The answer lies within each of us. <strong>“How will I respond to the universe that demands to be noticed?”</strong></p>
<p>In that moment, we see the epiphany wash over Hazel’s face. Hazel turns, faces Gus, and she plants the longest, most passionate kiss on him, throwing all her fears, insecurities, her “grenade” lines aside, and giving into reckless abandon to embrace a life of love and the dwelling on life’s beauties.</p>
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<p>Those who are concerned this scene is disrespectful to Anne Frank is missing the point of not just the scene, but the entire film. Anne Frank is championing Hazel on, as well as all of humanity. “Let go of the bitterness and cynicism. Choose to dwell on the beautiful in every moment!” This scene is not meant to make light of Anne Frank, but rather, the opposite. The scene honors her.</p>
<p>The wisdom Hazel seeks didn’t come from Van Houten, but rather a fourteen-year-old girl hiding from the Nazis. This is Hazel’s “mountain top” experience where she finds enlightenment.</p>
<p>It’s brilliant.</p>
<p>As Gus and Hazel finish kissing, all those around her, the tour guides, the personal assistant, the tourists, they all break out into applause. That’s not a little addition the filmmakers thought would be cute to throw in. There’s a purpose for it. The adults stand by, affirming Hazel. “Glad to see you get it, kid. You get it!”</p>
<p>When Gus and Hazel arrive back to his hotel room, she professes her love to him, and we hear her voice over, “I fell in love with him like falling asleep. Slowly, then, all at once.” Gus’ outlook on life, his love and fearless pursuit of Hazel, helped change her.</p>
<p>They make love, his first time, allowing some final moments together without interruption from the outside world. But the third act begins with a jolt. Gus reveals to Hazel that his cancer has returned. Gus has proven to her that loving another person, no matter how short or how long their time together, is always worth it.</p>
<p>Some of Gus’ final words to Hazel through a letter are, “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.”</p>
<p>During Gus’ eulogy, Hazel says she’s grateful for receiving his love, loving him in return, investing into each others lives, and the difference Gus made in her life. Gus showed her how to find the beautiful and how that living with hope, loving others, and having dreams, makes life worth living.</p>
<p>“There are an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and 1,” she says. “There’s 0.1 and 0.12 and 0.112 and an infinite collection of others. I’m grateful that you gave me forever in just a few days. “</p>
<p>In closing:</p>
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<p>We grow attached to the characters, get caught up in the emotional turns in the film, the romanticism of Europe, and watching Hazel find her new path in the world. That’s why we love films. They take us to other worlds where we can share glimpses into the experiences and realities of others. But let me challenge you to watch the film again, with Hazel’s journey at the forefront of your mind, when she interacts with Van Houten and her enlightenment at the Anne Frank house.</p>
<p>Novelist John Green said in an interview that he wanted to tell a story where the world could have a glimpse into the lives of kids with cancer. I believe he accomplished that, but he accomplished much more, too.</p>
<p>I’d like to congratulate the screenwriters, director Josh Boone, the cast and crew, Ed Sheeran for the fine lyrics and melody during the credits, and Wyck Godfrey for producing another beautiful story. You know a film is great when you leave the cinema and you miss the characters. That’s what happened to me.</p>
<p><em>The Fault in Our Stars,</em> if seen only once, deserves to be watched twice.</p>
<p>If you’re interested in learning more about John Green, these two articles are great: One from <em><a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/doree/how-a-nerd-hero-writer-became-the-breakout-star-of-this-summ" target="_blank">Buzzfeed</a></em> and another in the <em><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/06/09/140609fa_fact_talbot" target="_blank">New Yorker</a></em></p>
<p><strong>Read another popular post: <em><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" target="_blank">Don’t Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong></p>
<p>—</p>
<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2tMH7bs" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uB5s32" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?1458997662" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Buy <em><a data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2tMH7bs" target="_blank">The Mason Jar,</a></em> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.<br><br><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uB5s32" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships.<br><br>Follow James Russell Lingerfelt on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank"><em>Facebook</em></a>, <em><a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em> <em><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" target="_blank">Google+</a></em> or <em><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em>or subscribe to his <a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30448582017-07-27T08:25:00-04:002022-05-11T12:06:20-04:00“About Time” Movie Review: 5 Reasons You Should Watch It!<p><em>“About Time” Movie Review: 5 Reasons You Should Watch It! </em>by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br>Warning! Spoilers!<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/01205b11a3d0ff5fa4bfc1d6d2bbddf6fa572855/medium/about-time-movie-review-5-reasons-you-should-watch-it.jpg?1438656585" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><br>The writing is wonderful. The casting and acting is spot on. But what else could we expect from Writer/Director Richard Curtis? He brought us Notting Hill and Love Actually.<br><br>Mr. Curtis breaks rules screenwriting coaches swear by. On top of that, his twists are explosions and just when you know what will happen next…it doesn’t. I found myself delighted throughout the journey of the film, gratefully surprised at every junction and reveal.<br><br>Tim (Domhnall Gleeson), who has just turned 21, is guided by Dad (Bill Nighy) to dwell on the beauties of life. Dad is a father and former professor who retired at age 50 to spend time with his family on the English countryside.<br><br>We fall in love with Tim immediately because he reminds us of our reserved, unsure, inner child, when he pokes fun at himself about his dreams and insecurities.<br><br>Dad and Tim play table tennis everyday, which Tim wins. Dad, Tim, Mom (the glue of the family) and his adolescent sister (a wallflower) gather at the beach in their backyard everyday for tea.<br><br>Dad pulls Tim aside during his 21st birthday to inform him men in their family can travel through time. Just enter a dark place (closet, room, etc), close your eyes, think of where you would like to go (you can only travel within your own lifetime), squeeze your fists, and you can return to correct any wrong.<br><br>Mr. Curtis spends no time explaining the magic of this form of time travel because it’s simply the medium to tell the love story.<br>
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<br>Dad says winning money and never working screws people up. So Tim pursues romantic love. First, he tries to win over his first crush. And we don’t blame him. “Charlotte” (Margot Robbie) is dynamite. But Tim learns quickly,<br><br><br><strong>1. “You can’t make someone love you.”</strong><br><br>So, Tim accepts a job in London and after six months, he meets “Mary” (Rachel McAdams) in an opaque restaurant (dining in the dark and having conversations with people you can’t see). When Mary is revealed as a cute, young, nerdy librarian type, she stumbles in her shoes and pokes fun of her appearance. But she and Tim are smitten.<br><br>A message Mr. Curtis may not have intended: Before choosing who to date, close your eyes.<br><br>So the two fall in love, and during the middle of the film, Tim bumps into Charlotte at the theater. And she invites Tim to her hotel.<br>
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<br>Now since we believe this movie is a romance, Tim will enter the room, sleep with Charlotte, ruin things with Mary, Tim will try to fix this by traveling through time, realize there’s a glitch or hiccup Dad didn’t mention, and now will spend the rest of the film proving his love and devotion to Mary, learn some valuable lessons about himself, and win her in the end.<br><br>But Mr. Curtis turns this on its head, twice. First, Tim leaves Charlotte at her door and zips home. Second, Tim drags Mary out of bed and proposes to her in the most untimely and unromantic fashion. In other words, there is no “Dark Night of the Soul” moment for Tim. Very uncharacteristic of romances.<br><br>When Mary meets Tim’s parents, he warns her not to accept an invitation to tea, but she does of course, and tea turns into an all day event. Dad, through time travel, has learned...<br><br><br><strong>2. Quality and quantity time with the people you love are the most cherished moments in life.</strong><br><br>Instead of Tim’s mom asking Mary what she does for a living, Mom asks Mary to share her faults. These quirks and what we consider faults are the fun stuff. They remind us that we’re human, completely different, yet, because of that, entirely the same. We fall in love with what it means to be human all over again.<br>
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<br>At Tim and Mary’s wedding, a rainstorm destroys the event, but the family, being led by Dad, has by habit learned to dwell on beauties.<br><br>Tim narrates, “Married and pregnant, and so begins lots and lots of types of days. Worrying about the future is like trying to solve an algebra problem by chewing bubble gum.”<br><br><br><strong>3. “The real troubles in life will always be the things that never crossed your worried mind.”</strong><br><br>Tim and Mary give birth to a blonde haired girl. As we think something dramatic will happen between Tim and Mary, it’s Tim’s sister who experiences the Dark Night. She fights with her boyfriend, drives away drunk, and a horrible car accident lands her in the hospital.<br><br>So Tim travels back in time to save her. However, he returns home to a different baby! Dad informs Tim that if he changes anything before one of his children is born, a different child could be awaiting him given the shifts in his hormones.<br><br>Therefore, Tim allows his sister to have the wreck, thus the family has an intervention. Tim says to her, “We have to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.”<br><br>
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<br><strong>4. Sometimes, terrible things must happen in order for life to change for the better.</strong><br><br>I won’t tell you what happens in Act 3 because I can’t bear to spoil it for you. But I sobbed like a child right there in my cinema seat. Not because Act 3 is sad or joyful, but because it’s redemptive.<br><br>I cried because I got it. I get it, Mr. Curtis. This wasn’t a romance. This is an epic about a father’s love for his son, watching his son turn into a man, with all the lessons on love that come with it. And if you want to call that a romance, I cannot disagree.<br><br>Tim ends the narration explaining a final lesson Dad had not yet learned. Not only has Dad raised Tim into a man, but Tim has grown further than Dad. And in this, Dad has done his job, well. Tim says...<br><br><br><strong>5. “The truth is, now I don’t travel back at all, not even for the day. I just try to live everyday as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one day. To enjoy it. As if it was the full final day. Of my extraordinary, ordinary life.”</strong><br><br>The actors and actresses did a fantastic job. But the standouts in this film are Bill Nighy (Dad), where he reminds you of your favorite dad, uncle, or grandfather. Domhnall Gleeson (Tim), who reminds you of yourself or kid brother.<br><br>And Rachel McAdams (Mary) who executes her role as a cute, winsome, nerd. But let’s be honest. Should we expect anything less from Rachel McAdams as an actress? Didn’t you see <em>The Notebook</em>? When Ally smacks Noah and kicks his truck door during the break-up scene? Talk about ripping your heart out.<br>
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<br>Here’s evidence of fantastic acting, writing, and directing. When the film was finished, I missed the characters. I wish I had known them, I wish I was a relative in the story who could have experienced each moment of their journey with them.<br><br>You can thank the entire cast and crew for experiences like that but only because of Mr. Curtis.<br><br>And so I would like to publicly say, “Mr. Curtis, a standing ovation would not do you and your team justice. Because that’s too easy. I paid $5.50 to watch the Saturday matinee. If I had known the depths and wonderful experience I would gain from watching this film, I would have gladly paid $500.50.<br><br>“I read somewhere, Mr. Curtis, that you don’t want to direct movies anymore. But please don’t stop writing. I’ll be putting this movie on the same shelf as <em>Field of Dreams, It’s a Wonderful Life,</em> and <em>Life is Beautiful</em>.”<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2tMH7bs" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uB5s32" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?1458997662" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Buy </span><a data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2tMH7bs" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em>The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.<br><br><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2uB5s32" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships.<br><br>Follow him on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/45602802015-11-04T16:35:00-05:002022-04-09T17:00:21-04:00How a Parent Ensured All 12 Kids Attended College<p><a contents="How I made sure all 12 of my kids could pay for college themselves" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://qz.com/165716/how-i-made-sure-all-12-of-my-kids-could-pay-for-college-themselves/" target="_blank"><em>How I made sure all 12 of my kids could pay for college themselves</em></a> at <a contents="qz.com" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://qz.com/165716/how-i-made-sure-all-12-of-my-kids-could-pay-for-college-themselves/" target="_blank">qz.com</a> by Francis L. Thompson. Mr. Thompson did a fantastic job with this article! Click on the article to learn more about it's origins!<br><br>---<br><br><strong>From James Russell Lingerfelt:</strong> Every now and then I'll come across an article that doesn't fit on my platform, but it's so good, and is so pertinent to love and family living, that I can't not share it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.<br><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/32c73fc27b0897ae2d6f449e64e1e709cb83ae6c/medium/how-a-parent-ensured-all-12-kids-attended-college.jpg?1485181466" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br>Francis Thompson: My wife and I had 12 children over the course of 15 1/2 years. Today, our oldest is 37 and our youngest is 22. I have always had a very prosperous job and enough money to give my kids almost anything. But my wife and I decided not to. I will share with you the things that we did, but first let me tell you the results: All 12 of my children have college degrees (or are in school), and we as parents did not pay for it. Most have graduate degrees. Those who are married have wonderful spouses with the same ethics and college degrees, too.<br><br>We have 18 grandchildren who are learning the same things that our kids learned—self respect, gratitude, and a desire to give back to society. We raised our family in Utah, Florida, and California; my wife and I now live in Colorado. In March, we will have been married 40 years. I attribute the love between us as a part of our success with the children. They see a stable home life with a commitment that does not have compromises. <br><br>Here’s what we did right (we got plenty wrong, too, but that’s another list): <br><br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Letterboard 11 --> <script>
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</script><br>Chores </p>
<p>Kids had to perform chores from age 3. A 3-year-old does not clean toilets very well but by the time he is 4, it’s a reasonably good job. They got allowances based on how they did the chores for the week. We had the children wash their own clothes by the time they turned 8. We assigned them a wash day. When they started reading, they had to make dinner by reading a recipe. They also had to learn to double a recipe. The boys and girls had to learn to sew. <br><br><br>Study time <br><br>Education was very important in our family. We had study time from 6 to 8pm every week day. No television, computer, games, or other activities until the two hours were up. If they had no homework, then they read books. For those too young to be in school, we had someone read books to them. After the two hours, they could do whatever they wanted as long as they were in by curfew. All the kids were required to take every Advanced Placement class there was. We did not let entrance scores be an impediment.<br><br>We went to the school and demanded our kids be let in. Then we, as parents, spent the time to ensure they had the understanding to pass the class. After the first child, the school learned that we kept our promise that the kids could handle the AP classes. If children would come home and say that a teacher hated them or was not fair, our response was that you need to find a way to get along. You need find a way to learn the material because in real life, you may have a boss that does not like you.<br><br>We would not enable children to “blame” the teacher for not learning, but place the responsibility for learning the material back on the child. Of course, we were alongside them for two hours of study a day, for them to ask for help anytime. <br><br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Letterboard 12 --> <script>
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</script><br>Picky eaters not allowed <br><br>We all ate dinner and breakfast together. Breakfast was at 5:15am and then the children had to do chores before school. Dinner was at 5:30pm. More broadly, food was interesting. We wanted a balanced diet, but hated it when we were young and parents made us eat all our food. Sometimes we were full and just did not want to eat anymore. Our rule was to give the kids the food they hated most first (usually vegetables) and then they got the next type of food. They did not have to eat it and could leave the table. If later they complained they were hungry, we would get out that food they did not want to eat, warm it up in the microwave, and provide it to them.<br><br>Again, they did not have to eat it. But they got no other food until the next meal unless they ate it. We did not have snacks between meals. We always had the four food groups (meat, dairy, grain, fruits and vegetables) and nearly always had dessert of some kind. To this day, our kids are not afraid to try different foods, and have no allergies to foods. They try all kinds of new foods and eat only until they are full. Not one of our kids is even a little bit heavy. They are thin, athletic, and very healthy.<br><br>With 12 kids, you would think that at least one would have some food allergies or food special needs. (I am not a doctor.) <br><br><br>Extracurriculars <br><br>All kids had to play some kind of sport. They got to choose, but choosing none was not an option. We started them in grade school. We did not care if it was swimming, football, baseball, fencing, tennis, etc. and did not care if they chose to change sports. But they had to play something. All kids had to be in some kind of club: Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, history, drama, etc. They were required to provide community service. We would volunteer within our community and at church.<br><br>For Eagle Scout projects, we would have the entire family help. Once we collected old clothes and took them to Mexico and teamed up with a non–profit and distributed the clothes responsibly. The kids saw what life was like for many families and how their collections made them so happy and made a difference. <br><br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Letterboard 13 --> <script>
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</script><br>Independence <br><br>When the kids turned 16, we bought each a car. The first one learned what that meant. As the tow truck pulled a once “new” car into the driveway, my oldest proclaimed: “Dad, it is a wreck!” I said, “Yes, but a 1965 Mustang fastback wreck. Here are the repair manuals. Tools are in the garage. I will pay for every part, but will not pay for LABOR.” Eleven months later, the car had a rebuilt engine, rebuilt transmission, newly upholstered interior, a new suspension system, and a new coat of paint.<br><br>My daughter (yes, it was my daughter) had one of the hottest cars at high school. And her pride that she built it was beyond imaginable. (As a side note, none of my kids ever got a ticket for speeding, even though no car had less than 450 horsepower.) <br><br>We as parents allowed kids to make mistakes. Five years before the 16th birthday and their “new” car gift, they had to help out with our family cars. Once I asked my son, Samuel, to change the oil and asked if he needed help or instruction. “No, Dad, I can do it.” An hour later, he came in and said, “Dad, does it take 18 quarts of oil to change the oil?” I asked where did he put 18 quarts of oil when normally only five were needed. His response: “That big screw on top at the front of the engine.”<br><br>I said “You mean the radiator?” Well, he did not get into trouble for filling the radiator with oil. He had to drain it, we bought a radiator flush, put in new radiator fluid, and then he had to change the real oil. We did not ground him or give him any punishment for doing it “wrong.” We let the lesson be the teaching tool. Our children are not afraid to try something new. They were trained that if they do something wrong they will not get punished. It often cost us more money, but we were raising kids, not saving money. <br><br>The kids each got their own computer, but had to build it. I bought the processor, memory, power supply, case, keyboard, hard drive, motherboard, and mouse. They had to put it together and load the software on. This started when they were 12. We let the children make their own choices, but limited.<br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Letterboard 14 --> <script>
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</script><br>For example, do you want to go to bed now or clean your room? Rarely, did we give directives that were one way, unless it dealt with living the agreed-upon family rules. This let the child feel that she had some control over life. <br><br><br>In it together <br><br>We required the children to help each other. When a fifth grader is required to read 30 minutes a day, and a first grader is required to be read to 30 minutes a day, have one sit next to the other and read. Those in high school calculus tutored those in algebra or grade-school math. We assigned an older child to a younger child to teach them and help them accomplish their weekly chores. We let the children be a part of making the family rules.<br><br>For example, the kids wanted the rule that no toys were allowed in the family room. The toys had to stay either in the bedroom or playroom. In addition to their chores, they had to all clean their bedroom every day (or just keep it clean in the first place). These were rules that the children wanted. We gave them a chance each month to amend or create new rules. Mom and Dad had veto power of course. <br><br>We tried to be always consistent. If they had to study two hours every night, we did not make an exception to it. Curfew was 10pm during school nights and midnight on non-school nights. There were no exceptions to the rules. <br><br><br>Vacation policy<br><br>We would take family vacations every summer for two or three weeks. We could afford a hotel, or cruise, but did not choose those options. We went camping and backpacking. If it rained, then we would figure out how to backpack in the rain and survive. We would set up a base camp at a site with five or six tents, and I would take all kids age 6 or older on a three- to five-day backpack trip. My wife would stay with the little ones. Remember, for 15 years, she was either pregnant or just had a baby.<br><br>My kids and I hiked across the Grand Canyon, to the top of Mount Whitney, across the Continental Divide, across Yosemite. We would send kids via airplane to relatives in Europe or across the US for two or three weeks at a time. We started this when they were in kindergarten. It would take special treatment for the airlines to take a 5-year-old alone on the plane and required people on the other end to have special documentation. We only sent the kids if they wanted to go.<br><br>However, with the younger ones seeing the older ones travel, they wanted to go. The kids learned from an early age that we, as parents, were always there for them, but would let them grow their own wings and fly. <br><br><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script> <!-- Letterboard 15 --> <script>
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</script><br>Money and materialism<br><br>Even though we have sufficient money, we have not helped the children buy homes, pay for education, pay for weddings (yes, we do not pay for weddings either). We have provided extensive information on how to do it or how to buy rental units and use equity to grow wealth. We do not “give” things to our children but we give them information and teach them “how” to do things. We have helped them with contacts in corporations, but they have to do the interviews and “earn” the jobs. <br><br>We give birthday and Christmas presents to the kids. We would play Santa Claus but as they got older, and would ask about it, we would not lie. We would say it is a game we play and it is fun. We did and do have lists for items that each child would like for presents. Then everyone can see what they want. With the internet, it is easy to send such lists around to the children and grandchildren. Still, homemade gifts are often the favorite of all. <br><br><br>The real world <br><br>We loved the children regardless of what they did. But would not prevent consequences of any of their actions. We let them suffer consequences and would not try to mitigate the consequences because we saw them suffering. We would cry and be sad, but would not do anything to reduce the consequences of their actions. We were and are not our kids’ best friends. We were their parents.<br><br>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!&nbsp;" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don't Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever! </em></a></p>
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<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2jJ2Bhc" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2j503rY" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?1458997662" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Buy <a contents="The Mason Jar," data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2jJ2Bhc" target="_blank"><em>The Mason Jar,</em></a> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships. </p>
<p><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2j503rY" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships. </p>
<p><em>The Mason Jar</em> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2016, and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as <em>The Notebook</em> (2004) and <em>Pride & Prejudice</em> (2005). Follow him on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Google+" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>,</em> or subscribe to his <a contents="newsletter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">newsletter</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/47385552015-06-10T17:55:00-04:002022-04-09T17:00:50-04:00Managing Your Finances In a Relationship<p><em>Managing Your Finances In a Relationship</em> by guest writer Natasha Andrews. </p>
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<p>When it comes to love, it isn’t all long, candlelit dinners and romantic walks in the park. At a certain point, reality sets in — especially if you decide to live together, get married or commit to a long-term relationship without getting married.</p>
<p>Deciding how to handle your finances is <a contents="critical to a healthy relationship" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/topic/money-and-relationships" target="_blank">critical to a healthy relationship</a>. Stress over money is a leading cause of relationship problems. If spending styles are out of sync or a couple does not execute effective communication about financial goals, it could spell disaster. </p>
<p>With that in mind, here are some of our best tips for managing your finances in a relationship.</p>
<p>First, have a frank discussion about your financial status and goals. The scope of this conversation will depend largely on what level of commitment you are in your relationship. Whether you are in the early stages of your engagement, or recently married, you need to get serious about your financial situation.</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Letterboard 11 --><script>
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<p>Both partners should "<a contents="lay your&nbsp;financial cards on the table" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://secure.budgettracker.com/login.php?sp=nouser" target="_blank">lay your financial cards on the table</a>" such as assets, but also all debts and liabilities such as <a contents="credit cards" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.wikihow.com/Pay-Off-Credit-Card-Debt" target="_blank">credit cards</a>, <a contents="student loans" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://lendedu.com/blog/how-to-pay-off-student-loans-fast" target="_blank">student loans</a>, etc., and be willing to discuss income, expenses, short term, and long term career goals. </p>
<p>These conversations will involve your practices on budgeting and saving. Getting a handle on these ideas and practices can be difficult, but if you commit to talking through your different ideas and plan a course of action together, it can be accomplished.</p>
<p>Next, consider opening up a joint account for certain expenses such as bills, purchases, and vacations.</p>
<p>The idea is that a joint account will help you work together towards common financial goals, while still allowing you to maintain your individual accounts. If you have decided to not marry, but move in together, you will want to think new <a contents="legal and financial strategies" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://blog.lawdepot.com/how-marriage-affects-your-legal-and-financial-status/" target="_blank">legal and financial strategies</a>.</p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Letterboard 12 --><script>
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<p>A break-up can be emotionally difficult, but when you add in a shared living space and shared purchases, separations can get ugly. Consider meeting with a lawyer to form a version of a common law partner contract. It isn’t romantic, but it will save you problems down the road if something should happen.</p>
<p>Some options to keep in mind, it may be tempting when you're in a relationship to co-sign a loan for your partner and the like, because you might have better credit, and open the opportunities for your significant other to receive a better interest rate. But if the relationship ends, you'll be held responsible for the loan if it isn't paid.</p>
<p>Managing your finances in a relationship can be challenging, particularly when the relationship involves two people with different spending habits. But with open communication, planning and commitment, you may find that working together to reach financial goals brings you closer to each other. </p><script async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script><!-- Letterboard 13 --><script>
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<p><em>Disclaimer: This article is a guest post, and the views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of James Russell Lingerfelt.</em></p>
<p>Read another popular post: <a contents="Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/don-t-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever" target="_blank"><em>Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</em></a> </p>
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<p><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2s8TihE" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/10806bc4cb1227e6f4c8739e3dd83c8d6ee2214f/small/800-res.png?1458997662" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a><a contents="" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2skbsNg" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></a>Did you like this article? Buy <a contents="The Mason Jar" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2skbsNg" target="_blank"><em>The Mason Jar</em></a>, a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships. </p>
<p><a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://amzn.to/2s8TihE" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, the sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, is now available. Buy it now! This coming of age love story teaches readers the necessity of honesty and openness in the pursuit of loving, long-lasting relationships. </p>
<p><em>The Mason Jar</em> movie is scheduled for pre-production will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as <em>The Notebook</em> (2004) and <em>Pride & Prejudice</em> (2005). Follow him on <em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Google+" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://plus.google.com/+jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a contents="Instagram" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank">Twitter</a></em> or subscribe to his <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> for updates.</p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/34023882014-12-15T18:52:13-05:002022-04-09T17:00:44-04:00The Mason Jar Film – Update #2<em>by James Russell Lingerfelt</em><br><br><br>Miss the first update? Read it here: <a contents="The Mason Jar Film Update #1" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/the-mason-jar-film-update-1" target="_blank"><em>The Mason Jar Film Update #1</em></a> <br><br>So, I finished the screenplay for <em>The Mason Jar</em> in early November, 2014. I worked over 2 years on it and it went through 25 drafts and a handful of professional script doctors.<br><br>Most screenplays are a collaboration of screenwriters. If I'm ever paired with other screenwriters through a studio, I'd be grateful. But you have your limitations when you're based out of Nashville and no one in Atlanta takes you serious if your cell phone doesn't begin with 310.<br><br>Writing the screenplay is never finished. Even after the cameras roll, the director discovers certain scenes don’t work (for every reason you can imagine). Then, the screenplay changes even more. <em>The Curious Case of Benjamin Button</em> by Eric Roth (screenwriter of <em>Forrest Gump</em>) went through eight drafts after filming began. <br><br>I wrote a 1 page and a 5 page treatment for <em>The Mason Jar</em> (a treatment is a summary of the screenplay – like reading a short story). Many producers prefer to read that before diving into the screenplay. After 2-3 years of building relationships, I sent the treatment to a number of producers who have made love stories from the male perspective (think Nicholas Sparks films or The Vow).<br><br>Films are green lit all the time, but they fall apart for various reasons. Sometimes, movies are past pre-production (the planning stage) and are in full production (cameras are rolling) and they still fall apart. You never know if a movie will be successfully made until the final cut is finished and you have distribution to cinemas, video-on-demand, streaming-video-on-demand, and so on. <br><br>So far, two producers have responded positively. They said the story is beautiful, but their answer was no because either the funding isn’t available or they didn’t believe it’s commercial enough (meaning it needs to sell in countries like China, Korea, etc.) But then our contact at Hallmark said no one knows for sure what’s commercial or isn’t. “You just have to find a producer who loves it and runs with it,” he said. What's not commercial about a guy and a girl falling in love, are separated through a misunderstanding, and then they fight through the rest of the film to be reunited?<br>
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<br>Our contact at Sony, which in my opinion would be the best studio fit for <em>The Mason Jar </em>(they’re famous for making love stories) received the treatment, but now the cyber-attack from North Korea has stalled progress there.<br><br>As I stated in Update #1, I could have <em>The Mason Jar </em>movie made this coming year on a $3 million budget. But the majority of movies we all know and love were made on at least $12 million. Most of them were made between $25 and $30 million. I want to explore those avenues first.<br><br>Further, I just returned from Beverly Hills where I spent a week with Matt (my producer friend I spoke of in Update#1. He has believed in making The Mason Jar film on a large budget from the beginning). Things are still going well with him. He has the treatment and screenplay, and he's currently speaking with his investors. But we’re exploring all our avenues to maximize our options.<br><br>Thank you all for your letters and your notes of support. This is a David vs Goliath journey I'm on, but I wouldn’t trade it for any other mission right now. <br><br>If you want to help, please tell your friends about the project and have them subscribe to my <a contents="email list" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">email list</a> or follow me on the <a contents="social networks" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" target="_blank">social networks</a> for updates.<br><br><br>All the best,<br>Your brother in humanity,<br>James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>Read another popular post:<span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="/The Mason Jar" data-link-type="page" href="http://jamesrussell.org/the-mason-jar" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Did you like this article? Make sure to check out </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/themasonjar.cfm" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">The Mason Jar</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">The Notebook</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> (2004) and </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Pride & Prejudice</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> (2005). Follow him on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;"> for updates.</span>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30375712014-02-13T16:50:00-05:002022-04-09T17:00:37-04:00The Mason Jar Film – Update #1<em>The Mason Jar Film – Update #1</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br>This past December, I was flown to Beverly Hills; an all expenses paid trip for table talks on <em>The Mason Jar</em> movie.<br><br>Here’s the quick story. At age 26, I began the first draft of my first novel, an epic, romance, tragedy titled, <em>The Mason Jar</em>. I was turned down by eight literary agents, so I self-published <em>The Mason Jar </em>five years later.<br><br>When a publishing house buys a novel, they turn it over to their in-house professional development, copy-editing, and proofreading team. This usually consists of four to five people. To hire a team like that as freelancers would cost thousands, which I didn’t have.<br><br>A publishing house will also drop about $200,000 in marketing, which I didn't have. I hired a graduate in English Literature to proofread my manuscript for me. And when I released it, I just told my friends about it on Facebook.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/88fd601d8a85a35e28a79b1073c448f370d4aa19/small/toilet-2.png?1403736230" class="size_s justify_right border_" /><br><br>From there, <em>The Mason Jar</em> sold word of mouth. I had no idea <em>The Mason Jar </em>would perform as it has. I was just a guy from Alabama who wanted to write a novel. I’ve wanted to write since I was a kid. <em>HarperCollins</em> and <em>Amazon</em> made offers to buy <em>The Mason Jar</em>, but I said no because they wanted to keep the film rights or their advance wasn't large enough.<br><br>I received a lot of love and hate letters for <em>The Mason Jar</em> (readers either passionately loved or vehemently hated the novel), which I attribute to the novel's exploration of forgiveness and love despite any conditions. Given the vast response, I believed there might be enough passion in that story to write a screenplay.<br><br>I had worked as an extra on some television shows and feature films, and I remembered how much I loved life on set. So given that I wasn't happy as a professor, I resigned and took an internship in film producing in Nashville. I worked at the bottom of the totem pole, fetching coffee for executives, cleaning office and set bathrooms, and I once drove to Wal-Mart at 2am to buy doggie treats for a dog actor. I often worked 18-20 hour days on the sets, and one of my first duties on my first feature film was cleaning this toilet.<br>
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<br>Meanwhile, I read seven screenwriting books recommended to me by directors. A screenplay: Write out the scenes that focus only on conflict and action. Introduce us to the characters, have a Save the Cat scene (where the hero does something nice) so we will like our main character, write an Inciting Incident (Indiana Jones receives word a mummy is missing from the museum in Cairo. What will he do?)<br><br>That gets the plot going. Implement your climax and your resolution. First Act is 25% of your film. Second Act is 50%. Third Act is 25%. All drama and conflict are their heaviest in Act 3. Use that same formula for all three acts. Like three mini movies. Then use that same formula again in every single scene, as if each scene is a mini movie. In an oversimplified nutshell, there’s your film.<br><br>1 page = a minute of screen time. A 120 page script is a two hour movie. Got it?<br><br>“Got it. Wait!” I protest. “That means I can’t make the screenplay the same as the book. It doesn’t work.”<br><br>“That’s why movies are different than the books which inspired them,” says the great screenwriters.<br><br>“So after you set up and write all the scenes, and it flows well, then go through and add the dialogue to propel the scenes forward. That’s the only purpose of dialogue. NEVER EVER write the dialogue first or as the point of the scene. You’ll kill the scene. That kills the movie.”<br><br>“This is unexpected and frustrating,” I mutter.<br><br>“Writing a movie isn’t easy,” they reply.<br><br>“So though <em>The Mason Jar</em> novel is a tragedy, the movie should have a happy ending.”<br><br>"Those are the best," they respond.<br>
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<br>“I can do that,” I say. The Mason Jar movie will have a happy ending.<br><br>May 2012: I began the first draft of <em>The Mason Jar</em> screenplay. One year and four drafts later, I sent the 90 page screenplay to scriptologist Will Akers at Vanderbilt for review. He tore it apart. Ripped it to shreds. He sent me over 80 pages of notes. Mr. Akers wrote a book titled <em>Your Screenplay Sucks</em>. After his review I realized my screenplay sucked. I walked away hanging my head. But I went to work on it again.<br><br>Note: Deborah Moggach, the screenwriter for <em>Pride & Prejudice</em> (2005), wrote 11 drafts before the director and producers were satisfied. She’s near retirement age. In her youth she won a doctorate in Literature from the University of Bristol, wrote 17 novels and served as an editor for the Oxford Univ. Press.<br><br>In High School Literature, I made a C. James Russell Lingerfelt, what have you gotten yourself into?<br><br>January 2013: I took a job as an Associate Producer on a film in Mobile, Alabama to gain more experience, earn some cash to cover living expenses and invest more into my screenplay.<br><br>September 2013: While in Mobile, I wrote more and sent the 8th draft to James Breckenridge, a scriptologist in New York. He ripped it to shreds, too… but not as bad. I only received 30 to 40 pages of notes. Great! High-five! Criticisms cut in half. I rewrote and rewrote and rewrote.<br><br>A producer in Beverly Hills named Matt caught wind that a love story written from a man’s perspective was floating around. He wanted to read my novel, so I sent it to him. Matt passed it around to his team and investors.<br><br>December 2013: Matt flew me out to stay with him and his team for a week. They even paid for my rental car. One was an executive producer of the movie <em>Gladiator</em>. “Do you want a hotel?” they asked.<br><br>“No. I’d rather stay with families or friends of the producers. I don’t want to be alone in a lonely hotel room.”<br>
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<br>I stayed with Matt. They tried to pay for my meals. I said no after I learned they were paying out of their own pockets. They arranged meetings with screenwriters and entertainment lawyers, I joined them for a wedding in Santa Monica, a party in a private club in West Hollywood and I met with the manager of Kellan Lutz from <em>Twilight</em>. They were all good people. I didn’t expect them to read the recent draft of my screenplay, but they asked to see it.<br><br>I warned them it was only a draft. They wanted to read it anyway. “It’s one of the best first drafts I’ve read,” Matt said after finishing it. “But it needs more work.”<br><br>“Yes, I know. I said that,” I answered, hanging my head again. “That’s why I didn’t want you guys to read it yet. Because it needs more work. It’s just a draft.”<br><br>“But the nuts and bolts are there!” he piped up. “When you’re satisfied with it, we’ll have our man at Universal Pictures read it. And then our script reader, a former reader from Universal, she’ll read it.” We negotiated producer credits. In the end, I’m supposed to own 25% of the film and remain as a creative producer. I’ll help decide who the actors and actresses will be, who will direct it, where the film will be shot, etc. Screenwriters are fortunate if they receive 5% of the profits. So this is a great position for me.<br><br>January 2014: When I came to a place where I knew I could do nothing more to the screenplay, I sent my 10th draft to a famous scriptologist in Los Angeles named Mike Cheda. He wrote back with only 3 pages of notes.<br><br>So we're still working on the script, but I promised Matt I would turn in a final draft in November 2014.<br><br>We’re making progress! Will <em>The Mason Jar</em> get made? Yes. Even if it takes me years to make it happen. First, I have to get this script finished. <img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/5f0bb78307d0fadfbddea8b008c6c633be2deea7/medium/movie-budgets.png?1414290507" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><br>I can settle for a $3 million budget and probably see the movie made next year in Alabama (offers have already been made). But I don’t want to settle. Why? If I wait patiently, and we execute this screenplay, and the producers green-light it, we can have <em>The Mason Jar</em> made on at least a $10 million budget. I’m willing to wait years for a $10 million budget rather than $3 million.<br>
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<br>How can you help? I need your prayers or meditations or positive energy, whatever it is you believe in. Follow my journey by joining my email list or me at <strong><em><a contents="Facebook" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, <a contents="YouTube" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea" target="_blank">YouTube</a>, <a contents="Google+" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" target="_blank">Google+</a></em></strong> or <a contents="Twitter" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" target="_blank"><strong><em>Twitter</em></strong></a>. Then tell your romantic-film-loving friends about it. Share this article with them. We’ll need to build a following of romantic film lovers. I mean romantic film lovers!<br><br>Why do we need followers? Lots have changed in traditional methods of film making and marketing. Books have been written about this in Hollywood. Funding for films now only comes when investors and executive producers know people are already interested. Lots of followers on the social networks. That’s why so many best-selling novels are turned into films.<br><br>My gratitude: Thank you for your support and encouragement and for following me on my blog and social networks. For those of you who showered me with love letters due to my writings, thank you. To those who wrote hate: What are you doing reading this?! You hate my writings! Go read something else!<br><br>PS: My second romance novel, <a contents="Alabama Irish" data-link-label="/Alabama Irish" data-link-type="page" href="/alabama-irish" target="_blank"><em>Alabama Irish</em></a>, a sequel to <em>The Mason Jar</em>, will be released in 2015. I wish I could meet each of you and shake your hand. Maybe we will one day!<br><br>All the best.<br>Your brother in humanity,<br>James Russell Lingerfelt<p> </p>
<p><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="/The Mason Jar" data-link-type="page" href="http://jamesrussell.org/the-mason-jar" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Make sure to check out </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/themasonjar.cfm" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Mason Jar</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Notebook</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2004) and </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Pride & Prejudice</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2005). Follow him on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p><br><br><br> jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/31360652013-11-12T22:35:00-05:002022-04-09T16:59:52-04:00During Your Depression: A Letter To My Grandfather<em>During Your Depression: A Letter To My Grandfather</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br>Dear Grandfather,<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/4a6255015a20ac7b6030f6a3b086ddad6d89c2e3/medium/becoming-a-man.jpg?1438217021" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><br>“As a man thinks, so is he.” Those were the words you spoke to Wayne and I as long as I can remember. You told us we are what we think. “Be careful,” you’d say.<br><br>“Be careful little ears what you hear, little eyes what you see, little mouth what you speak,” for you said we are a sum of our experiences and reactions.<br><br>Did you know that you were the first who taught me how to be a man? One of your earliest teachings occurred while I was riding my bicycle for the first time.<br><br>I wrecked on the gravel driveway, bloodying my hands and knees. You and Dad both consoled me as I wondered if I should ever ride again.<br><br>You said, “Get up, son. Get up. Because you’re not gonna get anywhere laying down.”<br>
<br>You lived in Tennessee through the aftermath of the Great Depression and you saw people at the lowest point in their life. Their lowest thoughts and the lies they told themselves: “I’m not good enough. I failed. Something’s wrong with me.”<br><br>You were a hero to them. You had no money to give or more jobs to provide, but they knew they could come to your home, sit in the rocking chairs you built, be gifted a Mason jar of sweet tea, a slice of pecan pie, and there they found a listening and compassionate ear.<br><br>Your ears were quick to hear, your mouth was slow to speak, and your conclusions at the end were to remind them, “I understand. You’re not alone.<br><br>You love people and they love you. You have a purpose. God is for you, not against you. And your pain reverberates in the depths of His being.”<br><br>You enjoyed your walks through the countryside on the farm, morning coffee while reading over the newspaper, refilling the hummingbird feeders, setting out food scraps for the crows, weeding the flower gardens Grandmother built, feeding the horses, and enjoying visits from neighbors, your brothers and sisters, your children and grandchildren.<br><br>When Grandmother passed away, it wasn’t long before skin cancer was removed from your neck. Then, you lived through another surgery on your prostate. You remarked to me in passing, with disgust and disappointment, that your body was falling apart.<br><br>And you had trouble sleeping at night. You slept only three to four hours every night for the last three years when you before you averaged six to eight. You tried napping in the afternoons but your body could never allow your heart and mind to slow down.<br><br>The farm became too much for you. So, you sold the horses, you turned the newspaper over to your nephew, and you retired. Your grandchildren ran off to college and your children coped with their own life adjustments. And the gardens withered away.<br><br>Because of all these life changes, you began to dwell on your losses, and due to sleep depravation and aging, the hormones in your brain became unbalanced. For you, as for others, after a prolonged state, those imbalances locked and became the new normal.<br><br>You fell into clinical depression. For some, that imbalance is hereditary. For others, it’s due to dwelling on negative thoughts following trauma. I think a bit of both played its part in your life.<br><br>The hormones:<br>1. Serotonin (regulates mood, sleep, appetite, learning, and memory)<br>2. Dopamine (effects cognition, guilt, motivation, attention, mood, sleep, voluntary movement, learning, and working memory)<br>3. Norepinephrine (effects blood pressure and cardiac functions)<br><br>This is no different than getting adult onset diabetes or high blood pressure. This is an illness, not a personality or character defect.<br><br>The doctor said if you had remained in your state only a few more days, you would now be needing around-the-clock-care. We caught you just in time. But you, the man and leader, had become scared, weak, and vulnerable in every way possible.<br><br>So we were left puzzled as what to do until the doctor informed us of Depression. Suddenly, we possessed an understanding and a willingness to be patient, and the understanding to show you immense love.<br><br>We gathered to echo the words which you so often spoke to us: “Get up, Grandfather. Get up. Because you’re not gonna get anywhere laying down.”<br><br><br><strong>Part 2</strong><br>During the beginning of your depression, you were vulnerable and laid bare. All pride and ego was gone. You were like a scared child again.<br><br>You rose from the bed on your own, you showered, shaved, and brushed your teeth. But you shut all the doors and blinds, living in darkness.<br><br>You said the light hurt your eyes. You spoke all your thoughts. And we learned things about you which you had never revealed to us.<br><br>You wanted to hear no bad news or negativity, though your mind dwelt on the negative at all times. You trusted no one outside the immediate family. And in your worst state, you questioned whether or not you could trust your closest loved ones.<br><br>When you weren’t looking, Wayne and I both cried. You weren’t losing your mind, we knew. But we grieved over your state, your pain, how the man we once knew as strong and confident was now paranoid, frail, and jumpy.<br><br>You turned into an elderly man overnight.<br><br>We turned off all electronics in your home. No more television or phones. The noises and screens “made you nervous” you said. The information emitted was just “too much.”<br>
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<br>Instead of pictures on the screen, you saw jumbled images. And at times, just a black hole in the screen’s center. Once we understood the role that three hormones played, the doctor said you needed:<br>1. Sleep<br>2. To be fed good tasting and nutritious food<br>3. To dwell on the positive<br>4. To be loved<br>5. To laugh<br><br>The doctor prescribed you sleeping pills, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medicine. She said the medicine would take a few weeks to build. Only then would we begin to see positive results. So your children and grandchildren swooped in. We made sure one of us was always with you. We even took turns at night sleeping in a bed adjacent to your own. That’s how loved you are.<br><br>Food abounded. Everyone in our family wrote you a love letter, sharing stories of times from their own depression, so that you would know that you’re not alone. They recalled how they overcame their dark times, why they’re glad they struggled through it and overcame.<br><br>Barbara recalled outdoor Sunday lunches during the summertime when your own mother was still alive. How the tables were strewn with bedsheets. Your mother didn’t believe in purchasing tablecloths when bedsheets would do just fine. The crisp, fresh, clean, pink and white rose printed sheets, waved and popped.<br><br>The table was laden with green bean and potato casserole, hams, and fried chicken. The tomatoes, squash, zucchini, okra, radishes, peas, and corn, were all grown in the garden in your backyard. The last table was adorned with Barbara’s cakes she made from scratch for parties and weddings.<br><br>Then there was watermelon, sweet potato pie, pecan pies, and sweet tea. No one wanted unsweet tea. However, knock-off soda products were available by request.<br><br>The scents of sugar brought in hungry bees. A niece swatted at one after it landed on the sweet potato pie. Aunt Jean said, “Don’t, hon’. The bee won’t take much.” Hummingbirds skittered, zipping in and out, curious and thirsty, but with all the people’s commotions, they settled for the sugar water you had already provided in the red hummingbird feeders.<br>
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<br>All the men hung one leg over the other, the end of their gray and tan slacks exposing their black socks with brown loafers. Dad wore pennies in his, having grown up in the 50s. Toothpicks dangled from their mouths as they talked about the high school basketball team and the rivalry football games between Tennessee, Auburn, Alabama, and Georgia.<br><br>You talked about your sister’s family who we don’t see much because they live in south Tennessee. They had a nephew, Elton Caston, who moved to Alaska and never came back again. A World War II veteran turned mountain man who was hired to lay the path for the Alaskan pipeline. All the locals on the Kenai Peninsula knew him.<br><br>His hobby was dog-sled racing. To prepare himself for an upcoming race, since those races could go on for days, he would spend his nights sleeping in the snow by a firepit in his backyard, beside the dogs. To toughen him up. He bred Siberian wolves with huskies. He discovered through trial and error that such a mix built the best dog sled team.<br><br>Elton grew his hair out, wore a cowboy hat, and on his belt he sported a set of matching pearl handled revolvers.<br><br>When he was hired to lay out the path for the pipeline, he needed a man to go with him. So, he placed an ad in the paper saying he was looking to hire the “meanest, toughest son-of-a-bitch this side of Alaska.”<br><br>Only one man agreed to take the mission with him. Before they set out, Elton told him, “If we get up there and you get cold and tired and try to leave, I’ll dot your eye.” Meaning he’d shoot him. According to the story, that hired man tried to do that very thing. But Elton reminded him about the dotted eye, and that man decided to stick it out.<br><br>Sometime later, one of his rifle came up missing from Elton’s property in Soldotna. There, the main house and every barn and shed contained a rifle. In case a grizzly decided to corner its human prey. So Elton left a note in the bar, on the wall, that if the rifle wasn’t returned by the end of the week, he would find out who stole it, and “dot his eye.”<br>
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<br>And so Elton returned home one day and the rifle was back in it’s place. But not long after, he fired up his gas stove and it exploded on him. He died from the wounds. Foul play suspected. That was the story you heard about Elton, Grandpa, when you went to his funeral in Kenai. You brought home one of Elton’s leather coats.<br><br>The coat looked liked something you’d purchase as a souvenir at a tourist trap in the mid-west or in a Davy Crockett film. Tanned leather. Fringes down the arms. But it was authentic. And old. But Elton had truly worn it.<br><br>You stared off. Your mind explored and digested thoughts that were too traumatic, heavy, and rushed, experiences that you weren’t able to handle the first time around. We reminded you to dwell on the positive and we shared funny and warm stories from the past.<br><br>And you smiled. But as soon as our attention wained, you retreated back into the dark recesses of your mind. You stared off into nothingness again and groaned.<br><br>As boys, you told Wayne and I to direct our thoughts inward, and there we would discover a thousand regions left unexplored. But now, you have done the same, but seem the need to revisit dark places, which you left untouched and unexplored for far too long.<br><br>We all wrote down three things were thankful for that day. And every day, we repeated, until you had a small book of loved one’s blessings to go back and read over and over. All positive thoughts your loved ones experienced in this life.<br><br>All to remind you of the beauties in the world: The love of our family, the love of God, our morals, our good health we still have, our hometown and farm, our family values, that we were able to attend college, pay our bills, the ability to retire, seeing our children grow into adults, our parents who were good examples, that we’ve never starved or didn’t have a place to sleep at night. And the list went on and on.<br><br>Family members enjoyed the project. “What a wonderful idea,” one relative said to me. “This has actually helped us all. It makes me realize all the things I’m thankful for. I’m in a better mood now.” Your experience with darkness has shown all those who love and care about you.<br>
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<br>For they came to your rescue. To live life with you. To ask what they could do personally to help. Not only has it brought us closer together as a family, but the exercises have made us all realize what is important to us in our lives, and where our priorities lie. Even in your dark times, you still change lives.<br><br><br><strong>Part 3</strong><br>As weeks passed, you slowly began returning to us in full attention. You became more cognitive and held longer conversations. The doctor said what you needed now is laughter. So we recounted stories from the past, to help you remember the good ol’ days.<br><br>You grew up at the end of the dirt road, surrounded by cotton and pepper fields. Lawrence said as boys you played “Cowboys and Indians.”<br><br>Your weapons were slingshots. Your horses were get-a-ways, and when hiding in the woods, you covered their mouths with handkerchiefs to keep them from nickering at each other.<br><br>In the corn cob wars, Ben, “a little feller at that time,” stood in the hay loft of that two-story old red barn. Johnny threw a corn cob and hit poor ol’ Ben square between the eyes. Dizzy, he fell and landed in stacked hay rather than the wagon-beaten ground.<br><br>He sprung his arm and had to keep it in a sling for two weeks.<br><br>They said at eight years old, cowboys would bring wild horses and ponies to you because you knew how to break them. Given your small body, the horses couldn’t rub you off against tree shafts or knock you off under the limbs. One horse even reared on its hind legs, purposefully falling back to squash you on the ground.<br><br>So you threw yourself off, and after the horse squirmed and rolled and caught footing, you leaped “right onto his back, hung on like a wild Comanche” and proceeded to “wear him out with that switch, because you had to show him who’s boss.”<br><br>The Tennessee homes on the countryside were built so the kitchen laid apart from the house, separated by an open hall, to keep the heat out in the summer. That horse shot up onto your neighbor’s porch, thundered through that hallway, and the Mrs. stepped out of the kitchen with a bin full of dirty dishwater, screamed, “Oh Lord!” and fell backwards, dumping the water on herself.<br>
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<br>Horses would even dip down into ponds to get you off them. But your friends pelt them with rocks. When the horses burst out of the pond, you still rode them, whipping them to show them Man was their boss and they better mind. “James knew how to break horses,” they said, laughing. Apparently, by the time you were twelve, farmers and ranchers from Georgia to Texas were bringing their horses to you.<br><br>Then I heard you chuckle for the first time since you fell into your depression.<br><br>As a boy, you aspired to be an architect. But those dreams never were realized because you decided to get married, have children, and choose a minimum wage job at the paper. Little did anyone know, you would become senior editor and later buy that paper. All without a college education. You even gave lectures in Journalism classes at Vanderbilt and Lipscomb universities.<br><br>The doctor said that you needed to find an artistic expression from your past. Photography? Painting? Drawing? You chose drawing. You drew the horses you loved as a child. And pastures, creeks, and streams, birds and squirrels. Creating art uses both the emotional and the logical side of the brain. The two sides talk to each other.<br><br>And that was a problem of yours. Remember? In depression, when the emotional side of the brain gets excited, it flares, heats up, and overpowers logic. This explains why people can explode, commit horrendous acts while irate, and feel remorse once the emotions settle.<br><br>But for you, fear clouded your logic. You saw enemies everywhere. Your mind even revisited your past and reinterpreted events, convincing yourself that an enemy pursued you. Fear prevailed and you sought reasons to justify your fear. You said you were just listening to your instincts, your gut feelings. But with the hormonal imbalances, those instincts and gut feelings were undependable.<br><br>Paranoia set in. You perceived reality through an alternate state. None of us could convince you otherwise. What’s the point in being logical with an illogical mind? You sought to prove us wrong when we argued, to defend your perception of reality. So we hushed to keep your anxiety levels down.<br><br>I prayed with you every night. And you kissed my cheek, something you haven’t done since I was a child. And you’ve been thanking me daily for being here. You said something yesterday that disturbed me. That you didn’t want to be a burden on the family. You apologized again today.<br><br>But let me ask you, if I was sick and in bed, or if the situation was reverse, would you feel I was a burden? No. Burdensome feelings would be the last thought in your head. You would be worried and concerned about me. So it is with myself and the rest of your loved ones.<br><br>Don’t give up, Grandpa. Please don’t give up. Keep getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. Time will heal. As you once said to me, “The sun will shine again.”<br><br><br><strong>Part 4</strong><br>My fondest memories of growing up was when we bought that house just across the road from you, and spent our summers there. On the weekends, Dad made Wayne and I mow and weed-eat your grass. Following, Dad would present watermelons from the farmer’s market and Grandmother brewed Luzianne sweet tea for everyone.<br><br>Dad invited all of your sons and daughters to join us, his brothers and sisters, who never left town, who all had found clerk and desk and teaching jobs in order to be near one another.<br><br>Once we ate, drank, and we kids spit the watermelon seeds at each other, adult talk began, so I would wander away and lay my eleven year old body under the maple trees, whose leaves turned into a sugary yellow and fiery red in the autumn.<br><br>I would stare up through the limbs and into the animal clouds, and I imagined being an adult at nineteen years old with a backpack, traveling the world with a best friend, and “being nice to people.”<br><br>And I did just that. I traveled through eighteen countries before my thirty-first birthday.<br><br>You said you were proud of me in your kitchen, that summer I spent with you because I was burned out on my career. And having trouble processing what I had encountered in the third world countries. You said I had turned into a fine young man. That I was a leader. You don’t know this, but I needed to hear that from you.<br><br>Every young man needs a wise, loving, trusted elder, to look him in the eye and say, “You have what it takes. You’re on a good path. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. You’re respected. You’re loved. I’m proud of you.” But you had always taught us to, “Seek first to understand before being understood.” And Wayne and I have tried to apply that throughout our lives.<br><br>During the darkest times of your depression, you leaned heavily on your faith. And a love-hate relationship revealed itself. You said that on one of those nights, you were laying in bed, encountering another sleepless night. You sat up, burst into tears and told God, “I just don’t trust You anymore. How can I trust You if you’re going to treat me like this?”<br><br>And in faith, in the depths of your being, unintimidated by your anger and pain, and like a wise grandfather, you heard Him say to you, “It’s okay, James. It’s okay. When the fog clears you’ll realize I was with you the entire time. And I’ve always been with you.”<br><br>One of my favorite memories of you is like a video reel that replays in my mind when I return to nostalgia. You’re wearing your sun hat, sitting in a wooden weaved chair under your favorite weeping willow tree that overlooks the pond. Under it, I find you reading different the Romantic and Victorian poets. CS Lewis. Tolkien. Thoreau. Aristotle. The Hebrew and Christian Bible.<br><br>The frogs croak, the crickets chirp, the locusts tweed. And at the breaking of a single blade of grass, the anthem ceases, and the frogs hop into the water with a thud. Water bugs skate across its waters. Long winged insects hover and bounce above the waters. Fish roll, disturbing the muddled surface.<br><br>I remember walking up to you once. You smiled and patted my leg and your eyes reverted back to your pages. We saw each other daily. And you were well aware of my short attention span given the surroundings of the countryside left unexplored.<br><br>I squatted near the frisbee sized mushrooms with their smaller growths sprouting out beside them. I searched beneath their tops for toads, not because toads hung out beneath mushrooms, but because I had seen too many cartoons that suggested they did.<br><br>At night time, you watched us from your porch as we boys waited for the lightning bugs to come out at dusk. They hung in the air, dipping and flashing. And we boys tried to catch as many as possible in those old pickle jars you kept in the utility room. But once captured, the lightning bugs wouldn’t flash their light. I guess, when trapped, their light dies out.<br><br>And so, I recall these little stories, these flashes of memories, and I read to you every night. You no longer stare off and mumble. You hold lengthy conversations now and are open to receiving visitors, who once before you would have held in suspicion.<br><br>Two weeks ago, Dad gave you a pair of five pound dumbbells and you’d walk in circles in the living room doing shoulder presses, bicep curls, side laterals. You weren’t ready to spend most of your time outside, like you always have, but you knew you needed exercise. You said you could “feel your core healing.” The rest will just take time. That’s the thing about time. We cannot control time’s time table. Time just takes it’s time.<br><br>You’ll now go for two or three short walks a day outside, but not for long periods. You get nervous and retreat back into the house where it’s safe. You’ve made significant progress in just these four weeks. The doctor said it’ll take you at least two months before you’ll be back to your normal self. Even then, she said she wants you to take the medication for a full year. We won’t argue with her.<br><br>We went for a two hour drive across the countryside yesterday. You said you wanted to see the autumn leaves change. And so we did. And as you pointed at landmarks and recalled memories from your childhood and stories passed onto you from others, you smiled. And you thanked me for driving you.<br><br>One of my friends, Ronnie, who went through clinical depression at age thirty-seven, he said it took him four to six weeks to get through it. I asked him to write you a note of encouragement. And he said, “James, you will know when you get your relief. You will feel like your life was handed back to you.<br><br>In the meantime, having the family support of your close ones should be cherished, take time to rest, catch up on non-professional passions or hobbies you may have neglected due to your responsibilities in life, and take some time to enjoy the changing leaves. You’ve earned it.”<br><br>As I reflect on all that has occurred, I wish to remind you, to speak into your own life, the words which were spoken by Someone all those years ago: “It’s okay, James. It’s okay. When the fog clears, you’ll realize I was with you the entire time. And I’ve always been with you.”<br><br>And I’m thankful the sun is shining again.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="/The Mason Jar" data-link-type="page" href="http://jamesrussell.org/the-mason-jar" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Make sure to check out </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/themasonjar.cfm" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Mason Jar</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Notebook</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2004) and </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Pride & Prejudice</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2005). Follow him on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span><br> jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30376022013-06-04T21:15:00-04:002022-04-09T17:00:00-04:00A Love Story From Chile<p><em>A Love Story From Chile</em> by <a href="http://larszeekaf.com/" target="_blank">Lars Zeekaf</a></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12px;">---</span><br><br>In Pichilemu, Chile, I’m a Dutch man, a Hollander, spending his January away from the bitter cold and into Chile’s gorgeous summer.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/9ac04b4d6eaf49ab8d10b5b312a35330dfdf1703/medium/a-love-story-from-chile-1.jpg?1438219193" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><br>I left working in Argentina, learning bits and pieces of Spanish along the way. World-class waves as my backyard. Surfing is my life’s passion, and with this job, I could surf daily on perfect waves. Did I tell you I’ve always wanted to learn to surf? Now I could. No experience with working in hostels, but that didn’t bother me. <br><br>I viewed it as a challenge. In my youth, I had a great job and a lot of fun back home. I partied a lot with my friends. And we took vacations in Europe together. But something had changed in me, I guess. I wanted something more adventurous.</p>
<p>After meeting new friends in the hostel, they invited me to a party with them. So, I went. Let me just go ahead and say it. I have a weakness for girls with long dark hair and eyes. “That big guy isn’t your boyfriend?” I said to a pretty girl, after I downed a few drinks. I am always more courageous after those few drinks. Spanish is not my first language, mind you.<br><br>I thought I sounded like a fool. Though I’m Dutch and can speak excellent English, I knew she wouldn’t care. I’m in her country and I fumble with her language? I was a fool indeed. Let me tell you. I didn’t care if I sounded like a fool or not. She had this glow about her. She was happy. And I don’t see “happy” that much these days.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/4f5b6b49aab085fa14fa1b5aa57a5f2955dcdda4/medium/a-love-story-from-chile-2.jpg?1438219253" class="size_m justify_right border_" /></p>
<p>At first sight, she was like a dream between Pocahontas and every Italian or Black Sea maiden every man wished he could meet. And that’s my type. Beautiful women are everywhere. But her radiance drew me in. Like a tractor beam. So when she walked by me, with that big guy I thought was her boyfriend, I gently took her wrist in my hand.<br><br>She smiled at me, even chuckled, and waved at her friend, letting him know she was safe. He nodded and disappeared into the crowd. “That big guy isn’t your boyfriend?”</p>
<p>“Nnno,” she said in her Spanish accent.</p>
<p>“What’s your name? You’re on vacation here?” I asked her.</p>
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<p>“Marlielle.” (Mariel, but she spoke with that accent. It drove me crazy.) I loved that name. It became my favorite name in the whole wide world. She was from Santiago, a four hour drive from Pichilemu. Enjoying her vacation at the beach. We danced for a while and didn’t say much more.<br><br>Because we enjoyed each other’s company and that spark between us. It didn’t require talking. Just having fun! When the lights came on and closed the club, she and I went for a walk. The quiet night. The cool air.</p>
<p>Her drunk friends waited outside the club, but she swore I’d take care of her. We sat on the edge of the boulevard, facing the beach. She was studying to become a nurse. When Chile’s best wave rolled in, chasing us from the sand, I walked her back to the club, and we vowed to meet again at 2pm at the spot we both loved. Punta de Lobos.<br><br>That’s the surf and beach to be. We hugged goodnight. She left with her friends, but turned and gave me one last smile and hug that gave me the shizzles. I skipped back to my hostel around the corner.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2be23ef9096d5848afcff65741d81c66fec34607/medium/a-love-story-from-chile-3.jpg?1438219295" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><br>The next day, we met and exchanged a long hug. I can still smell the perfume in her hair and on her shoulders. Her long, black raven hair, laid on one shoulder, in waves, because she hadn’t brushed it after her morning shower. The sun bronzed her sugar brown skin. Her almond eyes, like a doe. I thought I would die at just the sight of her. “I’m sorry if my Spanish is bad,” I said. “I’m still learning.”</p>“Do you speak English?” she asked, with perfect pronunciation. My jaw dropped. Well, after that, we were inseparable. We spent every waking moment together for the next four weeks. She would even come to my work and help out. One evening, I invited Mariel to the hostel to cook for her. A simple pasta, but the atmosphere is what made it special.<br><br>A 360 degree view over the beach from inside the hostel, just the two of us, some candle light and music, and at the end of the night, I walked her outside, cupped her face with my hands and we shared our first kiss.<p>
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</p><p>The next night, her mother invited me into their rented apartment for the most amazing dinners. I had days drowning in work, so all the dinners were greatly appreciated. Typical Chilean plates and the famous empanadas are all dishes I can still taste. Every evening, we watched the sunset together. And we decided not to spend the night together.<br><br>We did not want to rush anything, since all felt special. Different. But after a little more than three weeks, feeling at peace together, we shared our first night. We felt we had known each other for years.</p>
<p>When the summer finished and Mariel was set to return home, I promised to visit her in Santiago as soon as I could get time off. When the time came for me to leave Chile, we both cried, because we were afraid we wouldn’t see each other again. And Mariel was afraid I wouldn’t be faithful to her. When we parted ways, she handed me a book she hand-crafted, filled with photos and writings retelling our time together. I never felt such overwhelming emotions in my life. <br><br>As time passed, we messaged each other daily. For the first few months, somehow, the trust deepened and our love grew. But at the turn of sixmonths, she asked that we back off because our time apart was draining her. We still dropped each other a note every now and then. While Mariel returned to college, I moved to live and work in Spain.</p>
<p>And after out 13th month apart, I surprised her with a visit to Chile.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/4e70532652c770def8aac479ea3d8c2906a84d66/medium/a-love-story-from-chile-4.jpg?1438219341" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><br>I was super nervous when I walked through customs scanning every glass window where people stood to greet loved ones. My heart was pounding and my hands were sweating. When the doors slid open and I walked through the arrival hall, I saw this gorgeous brunette sprinting and darting between people, and leapt into my arms. Then, she hid her face in her hands and burst into tears. It seemed as if we had just been apart a week.<br><br>And so there we were, in love, so happy together, like best friends, together again, at last. And so, in the month I stayed with her, our love and dedication was sealed. Weeks later, I flew Mariel to Holland to meet my family. To have the girl you love, next to you, to be able to introduce her to the world you grew up in, your home, the experience was like none other. And then, I took her to Paris.<br><br>Seeing Paris had been a dream of Mariel’s since she was a child. And it became our dream to be together in that “city of love.” And to travel together for the first time. We parted ways again, and after 5 months, she finished school, and we met together in the Caribbean and spent 2 months surfing and dancing, diving and living our life together on our beloved beaches. After that, I moved to Santiago to be with her. And we’ve been together ever since.<br>
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<br>Mariel will graduate in December 2013. And I currently work in a lovely Irish pub and restaurant. We’re saving our money for a trip to Australia. And so, whenever we can, we take the bus down to the beach and we surf. And we watch the sunset just like we did in Pichilemu, where we first met. To meet a woman from the other side of the world. And to love her…Isn’t life amazing?</p>
<p><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="/The Mason Jar" data-link-type="page" href="http://jamesrussell.org/the-mason-jar" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Make sure to check out </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/themasonjar.cfm" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Mason Jar</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Notebook</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2004) and </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Pride & Prejudice</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2005). Follow him on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30378702013-04-09T20:20:00-04:002022-04-09T17:00:14-04:00Why Do the Gods Take Away the People We Love?<p><em>Why Do the Gods Take Away the People We Love?</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br>As a child, CS Lewis lost his mother to cancer, and his wife to the same disease as an older man. A devout atheist most of his life, he asked, “How can a loving God allow so much wickedness in the world?”<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/840f46b5d1b7f14c0b248663cda0236ce381a169/medium/why-do-the-gods-take-away-the-people-we-love.jpg?1438215748" class="size_m justify_right border_" /><br><br>CS Lewis; his BA in Classical Literature and MA/Ph.D. in Medieval Literature, a professor at Cambridge and Oxford, and the best selling author of <em>The Chronicles of Narnia</em>, <em>Mere Christianity</em>, <em>The Problem of Pain</em>, <em>A Grief Observed</em>, <em>Surprised by Joy</em>, and <em>The Screwtape Letters</em>.<br><br>As an undergraduate at Auburn University, I read an interview between CS Lewis and (I believe it was) <em>Time Magazine</em>.</p>
<p>Interviewer: “What is your favorite book you wrote?”<br>Lewis: “<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Till-We-Have-Faces-Retold/dp/0156904365"><em>Till We Have Faces.</em></a>“<br>Interviewer: “I don’t know of that one.”<br>Lewis: “Few people do. It didn’t receive much press.”</p>
<p>I read the book in 2004 and again recently in 2011. I thoroughly enjoyed it and am providing a short synopsis of it here.</p>
<p>Set in a time before the Roman Empire, in what seems to be, Italy or Eastern Europe, Orual is an ugly princess, the daughter of a foolish and cowardly king who screams, beats, and mistreats Orual because she’s not a boy. He needs a prince to carry the crown.</p>
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<p>When the gods, more important, Aphrodite (the god of fertility), are given sacrifices of bulls and goats in a barren and impoverished land, the king tries one last time to produce a boy, yet fails. Another girl is born and the mistress dies in child birth.</p>
<p>The little girl, Psyche, is raised by Orual. Psyche grows into a kind, compassionate, young woman, and the two sisters share an unconditional love for each other. Psyche earns a reputation as the most beautiful maiden in all the land. “More beautiful than Aphrodite herself,” the countrymen say.</p>
<p>When famine strikes, the country’s citizens protest the king and his life is threatened. The priests, pressured by the mob for an answer, decides that Psyche’s reputation as being more beautiful than Aphrodite has ignited her jealousy and she has struck the land. They decide Psyche must be sacrificed. The king, pretending reluctance, hands Psyche over to the mob.</p>
<p>The fate of the sacrificed: Psyche will be taken to the edge of the country, near the forbidden land, where in the distance stands The Grey Mountain, the home of the gods (though no one has ever seen a god). There, Psyche will be chained to a pole and await her fate: A brute beast sent by the gods will eat her.</p>
<p>Orual plans to rescue Psyche after she is chained. However, Orual is beaten by the king following his latest drunken revelry and she lays in bed two weeks.</p>
<p>When Orual heals, she asks her friend and commander of the military, Bardia, to take her to gather Psyche’s remains, and provide her a proper burial in the palace’s field.</p>
<p>Bardia agrees. When he and Orual arrive, they discover loosened chains, Psyche is gone, with no evidence of bones, blood, or torn clothes. Bardia claims the gods have taken her, but Orual is skeptic.</p>
<p>Bardia is afraid to travel into the forbidden land and near The Grey Mountain, but Orual disagrees. A creek separates their countries, so she crosses.</p>
<p>Upon her first step into the water, the forbidden land evolves into a beautiful green prairie laden with flowers and trees in full bloom. The water gushes higher, turns crystal clear, the sun bursts through the clouds, and birds sing in the trees. Psyche appears, runs, and embraces Orual and leads her to the middle of the fields where she tells Orual the entire story.</p>
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<p>Psyche claims that a god, burning as bright as pure fire, with his face hidden by a mask, rescued her and has made her his wife. Psyche is to remain here, in this beautiful country during the day. The god is Cupid, the son of Aphrodite. Cupid tends to business during the day at The Grey Mountain, but returns each night to his wife. After the candles are smothered and darkness engulfs them, he removes his mask. Psyche’s only command is that she not look upon his face.</p>
<p>Orual attempts to convince Psyche to return to the palace in secret, but Psyche refuses. Orual is hurt since Psyche has never disobeyed her. Psyche tells Orual that her husband, Cupid, will allow Orual to visit with her during the day, but Orual must leave before the sun sets.</p>
<p>Rain falls, which Psyche seems oblivious to. Orual reminds Psyche that she needs shelter and to be cared for, but Psyche tells Orual about the mansion she lives in. When Orual demands to see it, Psyche bursts into tears and says, “You’re standing on the front steps!”</p>
<p>Orual tells Psyche to light a candle and shine the flame on his face, and instead of a god, Psyche will discover either a hideous creature, or a vagabond from the country who brainwashed her.</p>
<p>When Psyche refuses, Orual threatens suicide. Psyche, believing Orual, agrees to betray her lover (against her will and judgement). Bardia has left, but Orual camps near the sacrificial stake and awaits Psyche, expecting Psyche to come running to her any moment.</p>
<p>Psyche is heard screaming and crying in terror, but the scream grows faint. When Orual crosses the creek, a calm flame appears, like one from a soft, steady candle, as tall as Orual and hovering above the water. A man’s face, as beautiful as any face Orual has ever seen, appears. Cupid reads her mind and knows every thought and experience Orual has ever encountered. Cupid says, “Because you deceived my lover, a wanderer you will be for as long as your earthly life remains. The same for Psyche. She will never return to you.” Cupid vanishes.</p>
<p>Orual returns home and wears a veil to hide her ugliness and her grief for destroying Psyche’s life. Orual has nightmares for years, longing to take back what she had done. Confusion, bitterness, anger, and resentment settles and slowly festers toward the gods for taking Psyche away.</p>
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<p>Bardia trains Orual in combat, and when the king dies, Orual runs the kingdom. The veil creates a phantom appearance and intimidates all other kings, princes, and warriors. She becomes a great warrior and advisor, so that even Bardia begins to approach her for counsel. Years later, she leads the army against neighboring kings, and later, defends her country against an evil kingdom.</p>
<p>Near the end of her life, Orual writes a book containing all her complaints against the gods. Near her death, for the first time since she last saw Psyche, Orual returns to the edge of the forbidden land and gazes at The Grey Mountain. Orual crosses the creek, but all remains barren, cursed since the day she and Psyche betrayed Cupid.</p>
<p>A winged creature hovering in a fainter flame than remembered, appears to Orual and claims to be a messenger from the gods. “Are you the warrior princess who has a grievance against the gods?” he asks. “Are you the one writing the book?”</p>
<p>“I am,” Orual answers.</p>
<p>“She’s here!” he shouts. “The one who has the grievance against the gods is here!” He lifts her and wisks her toward The Grey Mountain. They pass through the mountain like a shroud of mist and the messenger places her onto a platform, center stage. Surrounding her like viewers in a coliseum seating, are all the gods. Their meeting halts when Orual arrives and all are quiet.<br><br>Psyche is present as a goddess, and is happy. It seems she was forgiven of her trespass long ago, and has lived happily with the gods for years. Psyche hugs and kisses Orual, but no time is allowed for them to converse. One of the leading gods stands and says to Orual, “No human has ever stood before the gods. But you have won our respect because of your valiantry. You are allowed one question.”<br><br>Orual, with all her anguish, hatred, and bitterness pouring forth, wastes no words or time. <strong><em>“Why do the gods take away the people we love?!”</em></strong></p>
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<p>And then she reads from her book. She reads and reads and reads, and suddenly arrives to a realization: she has been reading aloud for hours, but repeats the same words over and over. She searches for new words to better convey her turmoil and accusations, but she has no words to express them. She wonders if she needs a new body, a body like the gods, a mind like the gods, in order to address the gods in an accurate manner.</p>
<p>Orual grows quiet, and then awaits a reponse from the gods, but there is none. Only silence.</p>
<p>CS Lewis writes, as the book concludes, “I understand now, Lord, why you utter no answer. It’s because you, yourself, are the answer.”<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="/The Mason Jar" data-link-type="page" href="http://jamesrussell.org/the-mason-jar" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Make sure to check out </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/themasonjar.cfm" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Mason Jar</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Notebook</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2004) and </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Pride & Prejudice</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2005). Follow him on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/lingerfeltjamesrussell" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Facebook</em></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">, <a contents="Pinterest" data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="http://www.pinterest.com/jrlingerfelt/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">Pinterest</em></a>, <a contents="YouTube," data-link-label="" data-link-type="" href="https://www.youtube.com/user/breakfastbythesea/videos" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">YouTube,</em></a> </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/113522351245850358943/posts" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google+</a></em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> or </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a href="https://twitter.com/jrlingerfelt" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">or subscribe to his </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/contact" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank">email list</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> for updates.</span></p>jamesrussell.orgtag:jamesrussell.org,2005:Post/30378722013-04-09T20:15:00-04:002022-04-09T17:00:07-04:005 Prayers that Changed My Life<p><em>5 Prayers that Changed My Life</em> by James Russell Lingerfelt<br><br>---<br><br>I began praying these prayers around 2005 and they continue to revolutionize the way I interact with the world.<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/f909f57fddbb8a458846b0e6e0f21ffc2f589181/medium/5-prayers-that-changed-my-life.jpg?1438215646" class="size_m justify_right border_" /></p>
<p><br>1. God, Your will be done in my life, not mine; no matter what happens.</p>
<p>If God is Infinite and knows the intimate stories of all humans who have ever lived, if He created me and knows how my genes, mind, body, soul, and life experiences (and how they all work together), and if He loves me and wants the best for me, why in the world would I not pray to Him? The hard question I find to explore is, do these descriptions describe our Creator?</p>
<p><br>2. Close and lock the doors You do not want me to enter. Open the doors You do and please wave an orange flag above them.</p>
<p>I can be quite blind at times. I need some guidance. If I were a soldier at war and must pass through a field, and the enemy has placed land mines in that field, and my Captain knew where the enemy placed those land mines and even had the map of the location of those mines in his hand, why would I not seek his counsel?</p>
<p><br>3. Help me to see people and all of Your creation with the same eyes as You.</p>
<p>All day, every day, friends and family and the world tells me how I should view all that is around me. Listening to them is wise. Heeding them at all times isn’t. I don’t want to see the world as others see it, but as the creator sees it. That is my passion and desire.</p>
<p>
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<br>4. Do not remove obstacles or barriers from my path, but teach me and journey with me in climbing them, breaking through them, and/or working around them.</p>
<p>Only through conflict do we grow stronger. That is the only way.</p>
<p><br>5. A great story always involves Conflict and then an excellent Resolution. Therefore, help me to live a life where I have the patience and courage to live through both.<br><br><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; font-size: 16.1000003814697px; line-height: 26.8333339691162px;">Read another popular post:</span><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> </span><strong style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/dont-apologize-for-loving-someone-not-ever/" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none;">Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!</a></em></strong><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">---</em><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><a contents="" data-link-label="/The Mason Jar" data-link-type="page" href="http://jamesrussell.org/the-mason-jar" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/2461/2ffb31be21b12246850965c62d227a9ae54b42bc/small/the-mason-jar-cover-for-web.jpg?1410286146" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" style="border: 0px;" /></a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Did you like this article? Make sure to check out </span><a href="http://jamesrussell.org/themasonjar.cfm" style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(84, 138, 186); text-decoration: none; font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;" target="_blank"><em style="margin: 0px;">The Mason Jar</em>,</a><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> a coming of age love story from the male perspective by James Russell Lingerfelt. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships.</span><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><br style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Mason Jar</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">The Notebook</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2004) and </span><em style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;">Pride & Prejudice</em><span style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Muli, sans-serif; line-height: 26.8333339691162px; font-size: 15.5555562973022px;"> (2005). 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