Interview With Breakup Coach Lee by Staff.
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Coach Lee, as he’s known, is somewhat of a real-life “Hitch.” In case you haven’t seen the movie, Hitch, it stars Will Smith who plays a dating coach who helps men attract women. Lee, however, is a bit different than Hitch in that Lee specializes in “Breakup Recovery.” That means that when you’ve been dumped, Coach Lee helps you get your ex back.
In fact, that’s the name of his website – MyExBackCoach.com and Lee works with men and women who have been dumped and are wanting their ex back. I had a chance to sit down with Coach Lee and ask him about his profession. We talked a good while, and I paraphrased a lot of his responses. I hope you enjoy it!
What is the most difficult part of your job?
The most difficult part of my job as a dating coach, or breakup coach as a lot of people call me, is calming the person down who has been broken up with.
When people panic, they almost always do the wrong thing. They freak out. They beg. They text, call, or show up at their ex’s place at stalker-like levels. Those things are unattractive to say the least and so they make themselves fall even lower in the eyes of their ex and push their ex even further away. If they schedule a coaching call with me before they do that, I can guide them away from that and we can work together to get their ex back.
If they’ve already freaked out, getting their ex back can take longer and is more difficult to do.
How did you get into being a dating coach?
I was mentored by Dr. Joe Beam, a sexologist and Ph.D. in the area of biomedical science with an emphasis in human attraction. He primarily works with troubled marriages and I learned a tremendous amount from him.
Many of the same principals apply, but there is different strategy to getting an ex back when you are dating them and there’s no marriage or children. I started working with him in the year 2000. I owned a dating website and the members of that site started contacting me when they would have relationship issues with their boyfriend or girlfriend and over time, I began to realize that relationship consulting was becoming more of a profession for me than anything else.
Over the years of working with Dr. Beam, single people would come to me asking for help after they were dumped. I applied much of what I learned from Dr. Beam, integrated with the unique details and differences of dating life and it worked extremely well. For several years I was only word-of-mouth as far as being a dating coach until in 2017 when I decided to offer it publicly with MyExBackCoach.com.
How can people avoid a breakup? That is, how can they make their relationship breakup proof?
The best way to make a relationship breakup proof is to understand that relationships are give and take, like a game of tennis. If you reach out to your girlfriend or boyfriend in the form of a text, make sure that you are waiting for them to respond and to participate in the conversation as much as you.
Though that is only one example, the point is that once there begins to be an imbalance in terms of interest being shown, communication outreach, and chasing or pursuing in the relationship, it’s almost destined to fail. The one chasing will be viewed as less attractive and in time the relationship will fade in intensity as far as what the person feels who is being chased.
This will often cause the chaser to chase even more, resulting in the chased person pulling back and, usually, ending the relationship. Good relationships require patience and not going faster than the other person desires at a given time. Though that’s a very basic way of explaining it, that’s my big-picture answer.
Do you notice that more of one gender books coaching from you than the other?
It’s nearly down the middle but the slight majority are women. 54% of my coaching clients are women and 46% men. Women tend to be more protectionist in terms of not wanting to make a mistake to lose their ex and men seem to be more about getting them back and doing things to make that happen. That’s a little bit of a broad stroke but those are the differences that I can’t help but notice.
Both men and women are simply wanting to rescue their relationship and my heart goes out to them. I receive a lot of fulfillment in being able to help and seeing results.
What are some primary issues that you see your clients going through?
A common issue is when their ex has entered into a rebound relationship.
It’s a traumatic experience for them and they often fear that this is the absolute end of the relationship and they feel betrayed. I work to calm them down, try to help them see that rebound relationships rarely work and that by using the No Contact Rule, they can usually raise their attraction level in the eyes of their ex and as the rebound person feels them pull away, he/she does the absolute wrong things and can often deliver them back on a silver platter so to speak.
It’s obviously more detailed and nuanced than that, but I’m giving a generalization. What is one final thing you want to tell people visiting this site who have been broken up with and are hurting? I want them to know that the intense emotions of loss, betrayal, and shock that they are feeling is normal. It’s also helpful to know that one of the reasons you feel such panic is because the other person has pulled away from you and that raises their attractiveness in your eyes.
I’ve even spoken with people who were thinking about breaking up with their girlfriend or boyfriend but then the other person broke up with them and now they are on a coaching call with me to get them back. The reason is because when another person pulls away from you, that person seems untouchable, which makes them have more value in your eyes.
I often use the example of a celebrity like Justin Timberlake. He is not someone that women can just call up, ask out, text, or go on a date with. So whereas he is a handsome and charismatic guy anyway, he’s also untouchable because of his celebrity. That makes him over-the-top attractive to most women and they would make fools of themselves in order to be near him.
When someone breaks up with you, that dynamic happens to some degree, which contributes to us feeling such a since of loss and a desire to get back with them. Of course, when you love them, this becomes even stronger and the panic, sorrow, and anxiety becomes even stronger.
The reason I’m mentioning this is because I want people to know that the breakup itself makes you see this other person as more attractive than you did before and it makes you romanticize the past which means that sometimes people chase after relationships that they weren’t even happy in simply because of the fear of loss.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to get back with the person who broke up with you. In fact, it’s my job to help you get them back if that is what you want. But I am wanting you to know that some of this is a mental and emotional process that is predictable in large part.
That’s important because getting your own emotions under control is important to getting them back. I’m happy to help if you wish and hope that my information has been helpful. I’m here if you need me... Coach Lee
Read another popular post: Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!
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