Am I Marrying the Wrong Person?

How I Know My Wife Married the Wrong Person by Tyler McKenzie. See details below.

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Today my wife Lindsay and I celebrate our two year anniversary. Two years ago, we tied the knot and took the plunge. The cutest girl in Indiana was taken off the market! Two years ago, we launched the beginning of the rest of our lives.

And after two years, there’s no hiding behind the dinner-and-a-movie façade of dating life any longer. I can’t buy enough flowers to conceal it. I can’t open enough doors. I can’t say enough I love yous.

She knows (and painfully, so do I) that she married the wrong person.

Allow me to humbly explain. For some time, there’s a myth floating around in our idealistic individualistic society. That marriage will only work when you find your “smoking-hot, high-class, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, accept-me-as-I-am, Titanic-Notebook-Sweet-Home-Alabama-Twilight-esque, soul mate.”

Don’t believe me? Look at the message Hollywood communicates; the empirical evidence pointing to later and fewer marriages; research studies suggest this is a primary factor that holds men and women back from marital commitment – they just haven’t found their soul mate.

They believe in their heart of hearts that their match-made-in-heaven is still out there, somewhere.

Much could be said about where this mindset came from, but let’s just leave it at this – Singles today (and most married couples too) are searching for super-spouses that simply don’t exist.

People expect far too much from their spouse in all the wrong areas.

That’s why I know beyond doubt, at least by society’s standards, that Lindsay married the wrong person. I’ll never be quite as smart as a New York Times Best Seller.

I’ll never make a six digit paycheck.

I’ll never electrify the bedroom in the way our pornographic media culture broadcasts as the norm. I’ll never understand her quite as well as we both wish I would. I’ll continue to make mistakes.

I’ll get angry over silly stuff. I’ll forget to do the dishes. I’ll raise my voice when I shouldn’t. I’ll let pride get the best of me. And I’ll probably think of myself far more often than I should…

Oh yeah, and my younger days as a part-time body-builder, part-time male-model, full-time Matthew McConaughey stunt double…are over. I retired this January. I’m not an astrophysicist.

I’m not a movie star. I’m not a billionaire. I’m just Tyler. And Tyler does not meet the standards of the Real Housewives.

So what then is the solution? What do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the “wrong person?” Well here are a few things you could try:


1. Every time your significant other falls short, find another

On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. If they really loved you, they would’ve thought before they acted.

Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage to carry with each new sexual partner. Or there will be financial fallout from dividing your wealth over and over. Or your kids may grow up with a distorted view of parenting or marriage.

But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right?


2. Try it before you buy it

Test drive it. See if the chemistry is there and the sparks fly. Cohabitate. Allow someone into your life at the highest degree of vulnerability, and give them this priceless delicate gift without asking them to commit to you past tomorrow morning.

Maybe in the process you’ll find your soul mate. Let’s just hope they agree.


3. Avoid it all

Make it girls’ night out every weekend. Feed your appetite for sex when it’s hungry, for community with drinking buddies, but don’t let anyone too close. Marriage is old news anyways. Commitment is so Generation X. No strings attached.

Lock your heart up in an “iron-clad dungeon” where no one can reach it, and allow it to grow “motionless, unbreakable, and impenetrable.”

Then no one will ever break it… or capture it.


4. Realize that love takes hard work

And that, as long as you limit the field to human beings, you’ll never marry the “right person.” Because there are no 100% “right people.” There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right. 


5. Conclusion

The fairy-tale image of two soul mates finding love at last is just that, a fairy tale. But the image of a beautiful marriage provides something more beautifully realistic: A portrait of two imperfect people, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part.

If both partners understand and commit to this, not only will they experience the perks of marital intimacy like they’ve never imagined, but they both will change. They both will become more forgiving, more sensitive, more loving, and more truthful, together. 

Even if just one commits to this, he or she will be surprised how much, still, both partners will change. Your forgiveness, your sensitivity, your love, and your truthfulness will enable and compel your spouse to show the same kid of transforming character back.

And what could be more satisfying than that?

Not much. Trust me. I know. Because I’ve been married, two years now, to a girl who has relentlessly committed to this task with me. And because of that, I’m a better person. And so is she, I think.

Love you Lindsay. Here’s to fifty more.

Read another popular post: Don’t Ever Apologize For Loving Someone – Not Ever!

This article first appeared as How I Know My Wife Married the Wrong Person by Tyler McKenzie. His website is no longer available.

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2 comments

  • Future Campbell

    Future Campbell Central Alabama

    This is beautiful... I teared up when I got to the 4 bullet points about soul-mates. I love my spouse so much and I really want to marry him, I think. I think we both wish we were better for each other in some sort of way though. I keep praying over our relationship and I keep asking God if this is the man that he has for me... I'm either not listening or not seeing the signs. I'll just keep praying and keeping my eyes open. Thanks for this article.

    This is beautiful... I teared up when I got to the 4 bullet points about soul-mates. I love my spouse so much and I really want to marry him, I think. I think we both wish we were better for each other in some sort of way though. I keep praying over our relationship and I keep asking God if this is the man that he has for me... I'm either not listening or not seeing the signs. I'll just keep praying and keeping my eyes open. Thanks for this article.

  • Lynn Watkins

    Lynn Watkins Washington State

    Unfortunately, I disagree with number 5. At the end he says even if one does all the work, then both will benefit. I've been married twice, both were unfaithful, both told me what I wanted to hear but not what they really felt. I tried, for years, till I could not try any more, it all just got worse. I am now at the "locked up my heart to avoid being hurt" . I honestly can't take it, even one more time. I really liked all other parts of the article, and hope it helps others that are struggling. Thanks for posting

    Unfortunately, I disagree with number 5. At the end he says even if one does all the work, then both will benefit. I've been married twice, both were unfaithful, both told me what I wanted to hear but not what they really felt. I tried, for years, till I could not try any more, it all just got worse. I am now at the "locked up my heart to avoid being hurt" . I honestly can't take it, even one more time. I really liked all other parts of the article, and hope it helps others that are struggling. Thanks for posting

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